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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Interesting development in exBPD. She's actually getting help.  (Read 525 times)
Xidion
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« on: January 09, 2015, 11:22:25 AM »

20 month relationship. 6 day recycle 2 months post b/u and 30 days NC. She came to me wanting to know more about BPD because I told her I think she has it after the b/u.

She apologized for coming back into my life and ruining it again. She said she didn't mean to rekindle things before she realized she needed serious help, but being around me just brought back feelings of love.

We have been communicating for 2 days now. I still want to be here for her as a friend. It's limited to texting. She admitted to her life being on a bad path and she probably would have ended up killing herself. She did cut herself pretty badly. Her words exactly were... "If I had a gun, I would have done it. I was envisioning blowing my brains out the back of my head and thinking about how people would react. I wanted to taste the gun on my tongue".

The social worker told her that she doesn't know how to cope with anything negative that happens in her life. She needs to first learn how to cope, which she is going to therapy for.

She told me that I am a blessing to her. That I helped her realize that there is really something wrong with her. She told me that no matter if we are together or not, she will always love me. But right now she has to focus on loving herself, finding herself, and learning the skills to cope because she doesn't know how to be normal. She then said, "I have to work on me before there isn't a me".

From the bottom of my heart, I am so proud of her for realizing that she has mental problems that stem from her childhood and that it isn't her fault. She is seeking help. I hope that she sticks with it. I hope it helps her.

She wants to be friends. She wants to support each other. Why? I won't ask myself why, because that will just drive me nuts. I'm capable of being in LC and detaching from her. She has been very open and she was actually "there" for me last night. I talked to her about how hard this is. She reminded me that we don't know what the future holds. Oddly enough, she seems like the strong one right now, when she was always the weak one.

After reading all of the stories here. This one seems very rare.



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paperlung
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2015, 01:33:23 PM »

It wasn't rare for my ex to have moments of clarity like this. Sometimes she was fully aware of how crazy she was feeling/acting, and other times felt like she had it under control. Every single time she tried getting help from a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, it never stuck. She just doesn't stay committed to the therapy, even when she says she's going to. There's always an excuse.

Be happy that your ex has recognized her problems and wants help, but I wouldn't hold your breath, dude. Remain distant, and let her try to do it on her own. We're talking years of on-going therapy here.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2015, 02:13:29 PM »

It wasn't rare for my ex to have moments of clarity like this.

This.  For sure.  Hopefully she will follow through, but be mentally prepared for the whirlwind.
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FrenchConnection
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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2015, 02:19:59 PM »

This scenario is the only way i would open contact again with my ex.

I hope yours is sincere about this because it could be the only thing that gives her back a more stable and normal life. 

Praying for you both.
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Targeted
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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2015, 02:34:46 PM »

This scenario is the only way i would open contact again with my ex.

I hope yours is sincere about this because it could be the only thing that gives her back a more stable and normal life. 

Praying for you both.

This is the only way I would reopen contact with my ex as well!  Without it it is a guaranteed painful failure.  But I would have to support someone I have known for 10 years Who is making a step in the right direction
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myself
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2015, 02:48:41 PM »

I really hope it works out for her, which could well happen if she follows through with treatment. It's difficult to face this kind of stuff especially when you're so deeply troubled by it. She's lucky you were there for her.
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paperlung
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« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2015, 02:52:51 PM »

This scenario is the only way i would open contact again with my ex.

I hope yours is sincere about this because it could be the only thing that gives her back a more stable and normal life.  

Praying for you both.

I wouldn't even do contact until I knew for sure she had been going consistently for reasonable amount of time, otherwise you feel more letdown by it all. It's very common for someone with BPD to drop out of therapy.

Before my ex moved back here and I met her again, she fed me all this stuff about how she was going to get on-going help here and go to school to be a veterinary assistant (program doesn't start until April, but I'm willing to bet everything I own she won't do it as much as I wish she would). It was all a ploy to convince me to see her again. I even remember telling her I'd be more comfortable seeing her if I knew you were making good progress.
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JRT
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« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2015, 03:34:38 PM »

Its a good step that she realized that she has a problem... .as I understand it, mine finally went to a therapist but I am sure that it was under the guise of dealing with damage that I had done to her... .
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patientandclear
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« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2015, 06:53:36 PM »

Xidion, I went through a very similar scenario, minus you telling her about BPD, which I didn't know about at the time.

My ex sought help (from an excellent therapist). Said he wanted to be in touch and that he had to figure out how to be alone, as his own self. Thanked me for being so understanding. Told me many other things about my specialness.

A few days later he reached out to his ex before me and was having additional very special conversations.

When I found out I started a long 10 months of NC. I would have supported him in trying to manage w/o a r/ship (I'd told him I really respected what he was doing). But I couldn't support him as he was swapping me out for another woman, where his answer appeared to be that the problem with our r/s was that he was with the wrong woman after all.
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Xidion
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« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2015, 07:08:04 PM »

It's such a double edged sword of what to believe. She has fully admitted to me that she is ___ed up mentally. I'm debating going NC. But she has been very sweet to me as a friend so far.

She certainly is capable of being manipulative. So I always take anything she says with a couple grains of salt.
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hope2727
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« Reply #10 on: January 09, 2015, 07:28:31 PM »

I am responding because I want to follow this thread. Thank you for sharing your stories. I am sorry you have been through so much. Mine to was seeing a therapist. Then he ended up dysregulating at his workplace and they forced him into therapy. It was therapy or lose his job. Not the best situation but in this case I'll take it. I pray every day that he is actually engaging 110% in the process so he might actually find some peace. I hope you will keep posting and let us all know what happens.
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Xidion
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« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2015, 08:20:58 PM »

So far she is being very friendly and not crossing any boundaries. It's actually her who has set some boundaries. She is being positive. I've been supporting her, and she has been supporting me.

She said that if she ever is going to be able to love someone else 100% that she needs to do this. She seems so focused.

I'm okay with the thought that her and I are never romantically involved again. If we have a shot at being friends, I'm okay with that. We are limiting contact to texting, as I said. We talked about hanging out in the future, but agreed we both need time to heal and get our heads straight. 
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Blimblam
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« Reply #12 on: January 09, 2015, 08:59:35 PM »

I'm not gonna lie I'm sort of angry and jealous of you. 
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Waifed
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« Reply #13 on: January 09, 2015, 10:38:17 PM »

So far she is being very friendly and not crossing any boundaries. It's actually her who has set some boundaries. She is being positive. I've been supporting her, and she has been supporting me.

She said that if she ever is going to be able to love someone else 100% that she needs to do this. She seems so focused.

I'm okay with the thought that her and I are never romantically involved again. If we have a shot at being friends, I'm okay with that. We are limiting contact to texting, as I said. We talked about hanging out in the future, but agreed we both need time to heal and get our heads straight. 

She doesn't feel as threatened by texting. My ex started texting me only after the relationship ended. It was safe and allowed her to remain in contact until she was locked in with someone else. It also made it easier for her to work the new (or existing maybe) relationship without me interfering. Good luck to you but prepare for the worst. Im sure you understand this after all you've been through.
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Xidion
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« Reply #14 on: January 10, 2015, 12:11:59 AM »

Somehow I think I'm connected to this girl for the rest of my life of I allow it. There are times she hates me. There are times she loves me. I was bad to her at times. I was the best to her at other times. I'll tread lightly from now on and not get my heart entertwined. For some reason, I like having her in my life in some sort of way. It makes it very interesting.
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Trog
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« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2015, 01:52:42 AM »

This did happen to me. At first recycle this is what my ex told me after 6 months NC and it was true, she had help, she was on medication, she admitted she had a problem, she was meditating, going to yoga.

The cracks began to show within weeks once we got back together, all of a sudden things that were her issues for sure, became more 50/50 and then not her issues at all. I think there is something in their brain thT they must continually fight against in order to stay well, or quickly they revert to type. Guess just like us nons do on other issues.

I'm not saying this will happen, but the second time, when you've let them in again after they say they change and if they don't follow through, crushes you worse than the first time. The first time you can at least say to yourself you didn't know she had BPD, just be careful of building dreams around a person like this and getting sucked back in.
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Xidion
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« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2015, 02:09:53 AM »

This did happen to me. At first recycle this is what my ex told me after 6 months NC and it was true, she had help, she was on medication, she admitted she had a problem, she was meditating, going to yoga.

The cracks began to show within weeks once we got back together, all of a sudden things that were her issues for sure, became more 50/50 and then not her issues at all. I think there is something in their brain thT they must continually fight against in order to stay well, or quickly they revert to type. Guess just like us nons do on other issues.

I'm not saying this will happen, but the second time, when you've let them in again after they say they change and if they don't follow through, crushes you worse than the first time. The first time you can at least say to yourself you didn't know she had BPD, just be careful of building dreams around a person like this and getting sucked back in.

Right now she has no interest ina relationship,  sex,  or anything else with me. I tested her with this in a round about way. She is sticking to texting. She is however calling me "b" every now and then in texts.  Which leads me to believe I'm some sort of attachment right now. I won't be sucked in as right now I'm going on dates with 2 different woman that have their lives together and are about 2 grades higher than her physically.  I have options.  I just would generally like to see her see this through for her own quality of life.
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« Reply #17 on: January 10, 2015, 02:54:09 AM »

Somehow I think I'm connected to this girl for the rest of my life of I allow it. There are times she hates me. There are times she loves me. I was bad to her at times. I was the best to her at other times. I'll tread lightly from now on and not get my heart entertwined. For some reason, I like having her in my life in some sort of way. It makes it very interesting.

It sounds like you might want to start posting in the staying or undecided boards. 

If my ex hadn't become a trigger for me to have panic attacks I might do the same.  This ripe of thinking might be triggering for many of us on the leaving board of our guilt and shame of a failed relationship.  A personal suggestion is you start studying psychology because the role your thinking about is more like that of a parent/therapist.
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Infern0
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« Reply #18 on: January 10, 2015, 03:36:19 AM »

I sense F.O.G

I'll talk to you tomorrow bro
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bunnyrabit
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« Reply #19 on: January 10, 2015, 03:51:17 AM »

Somehow I think I'm connected to this girl for the rest of my life of I allow it. There are times she hates me. There are times she loves me. I was bad to her at times. I was the best to her at other times. I'll tread lightly from now on and not get my heart entertwined. For some reason, I like having her in my life in some sort of way. It makes it very interesting.

It sounds like you might want to start posting in the staying or undecided boards. 

If my ex hadn't become a trigger for me to have panic attacks I might do the same.  This ripe of thinking might be triggering for many of us on the leaving board of our guilt and shame of a failed relationship.  A personal suggestion is you start studying psychology because the role your thinking about is more like that of a parent/therapist.

I remember when I just arrived here I found it extremely triggering to read about members still wanting to connect with their BPDexes. And guess what, since then I've been in 2 recycles, each one of them with heartbreaking endings. In a sense it has helped me to realize that we're not right for each other. Even if she would be in therapy, which she is, our chapter together is now closed, I can see that ever so clearly now. Too much has happened between us to ever to be able to start with a clean slate.

But honestly, I wish I could have come to that realization without the recycles. All the hurtful things we did to each other, the wasted time, it wasn't necessary. So I hope for you, and all of us here, that we can come to that understanding without unnecessary suffering. Maybe just play out the recycle or the renewed contact in your head, we all know there's no happy ending.

So I know exactly how you feel. You're still holding on to some attachment, some hopes, some dreams. I know it's hard and deep down we don't really want to, but please let go of them. Try not to resent Xidion for doing what he does, apparently he hasn't had enough yet and has some things to find out still. Been there, done that, it really isn't a place to be envious of... .
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Blimblam
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« Reply #20 on: January 10, 2015, 05:11:36 AM »

What I mean is on this board we will recognize the same desire but how our situations evolved into the place we are now.

There does seem like their is fog in place but it's not impossible. To maintain having a pwBPD in your life.  The issue is being honest with oneself on the nature of the future relationship.  If it is in hopes that she will be the person you always wanted her to be for you then be prepared for a lot of pain.  Getting to a point of radical acceptance and having firm boundaries on what you will and will not accept in your life while seeing her for who she is and not following her logic but reading what she is trying to communicate.

She's a bird and if you can accept her flying away and coming back and flying away again while being true to your needs then a type of relationship can work. But you have to accept her for who she is and not what you want her to be for you.  Getting to that point is not easy at all not after trully loving her and attaching the way you already have. 

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bunnyrabit
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« Reply #21 on: January 10, 2015, 05:48:30 AM »

Excerpt
What I mean is on this board we will recognize the same desire

I no longer have that desire.

Excerpt
but it's not impossible. To maintain having a pwBPD in your life.

Maybe not but why would we want that, what positive things could we possibly get out of that? Having someone in your life that's completely self absorbed, that will only take and never give something in return.

As Xidion states it would make his life more interesting. I think it could be very interesting to ask yourself what it is that's lacking in your life that you need a mentally ill person in it to make it more interesting. It could be interesting from an academic perspective, you know like having a study object to observe and gain knowledge from. But for peeps sake go find employment in a mental hospital and try not to get emotionally attached to your patients.

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Blimblam
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« Reply #22 on: January 10, 2015, 06:05:10 AM »

Excerpt
What I mean is on this board we will recognize the same desire

I no longer have that desire.

Excerpt
but it's not impossible. To maintain having a pwBPD in your life.

Maybe not but why would we want that, what positive things could we possibly get out of that? Having someone in your life that's completely self absorbed, that will only take and never give something in return.

As Xidion states it would make his life more interesting. I think it could be very interesting to ask yourself what it is that's lacking in your life that you need a mentally ill person in it to make it more interesting. It could be interesting from an academic perspective, you know like having a study object to observe and gain knowledge from. But for peeps sake go find employment in a mental hospital and try not to get emotionally attached to your patients.

Rabbit I agree there does tend to be a reason we get involved in these relationships that should be explored. 

The thing is it's like we want to give the advice we think we wish we could give to ourselves through others. 

But xideon I see you wavering between your decision as something that is an undecided one yet you choose to remain on the leaving board, why do you think that is?

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janey62
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« Reply #23 on: January 10, 2015, 08:12:16 AM »

I am 10 days NC from a r/s with a pwBPD.  We recycled several times and at least twice because he was getting help and seemed determined to change.

I realised though when I reached the point of being so emotionally battered that I feared for my own sanity that each time all I really wanted was for him to be the person he seemed to be promising to be when we met, and that was never going to happen.  Also, unfair of me to ask it of a man who was struggling with such a cruel illness.

This morning when I felt the emotional tugging which I always feel when its over with him I clicked on 'Answers' at the top of the page, went to 'Relationship Break Up' and opened up the article on 'Surviving a Break Up When Your Partner has BPD' and read it.  And it made perfect sense and answered pretty much all of my questions and fears and addresses most of what is written on this thread... .

It is so sad and weird that I spent so much time believing that he loved me, that he was my soul mate, that he couldn't help the terrible things he said and did and that it was someone how my job to help/save him, even if to my own detriment and destruction! 

So now I know, and can't unknow and must move on, even though my heart is heavy and my head aches  :'( 

I never want to willingly be anyone's emotional punch bag again!
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Xidion
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« Reply #24 on: January 10, 2015, 10:57:33 AM »

Excerpt
What I mean is on this board we will recognize the same desire

I no longer have that desire.

Excerpt
but it's not impossible. To maintain having a pwBPD in your life.

Maybe not but why would we want that, what positive things could we possibly get out of that? Having someone in your life that's completely self absorbed, that will only take and never give something in return.

As Xidion states it would make his life more interesting. I think it could be very interesting to ask yourself what it is that's lacking in your life that you need a mentally ill person in it to make it more interesting. It could be interesting from an academic perspective, you know like having a study object to observe and gain knowledge from. But for peeps sake go find employment in a mental hospital and try not to get emotionally attached to your patients.

Rabbit I agree there does tend to be a reason we get involved in these relationships that should be explored. 

The thing is it's like we want to give the advice we think we wish we could give to ourselves through others. 

But xideon I see you wavering between your decision as something that is an undecided one yet you choose to remain on the leaving board, why do you think that is?

Maybe I have issues of my own that I need to sort out.  I'm far from being perfect.  I'm far from being capable of a healthy relationship right now. I stay on the leaving board because deep down I know that's what's best for me. Yeah,  I'm struggling with it. I want her in my life and I don't all at the same time.  I have a severe case of wanting to rescue her, which in reality I know I can never do. I don't know why I want to be the one to be here for her, even if it causes hurt to myself. I have always been the type to put other people before myself without question.  That in itself is a problem I need to fix within myself.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #25 on: January 10, 2015, 11:02:15 AM »

Maybe I have issues of my own that I need to sort out.  I'm far from being perfect.  I'm far from being capable of a healthy relationship right now. I stay on the leaving board because deep down I know that's what's best for me. Yeah,  I'm struggling with it. I want her in my life and I don't all at the same time.

I have often thought of this is my head/heart battle.  My head knows full well that the relationship will never be what I want it to be, but my heart, with it's malignant hope, wants to give it a try.

Excerpt
... .That in itself is a problem I need to fix within myself.

YES.

Your whole post is very lucid.  Put it on your fridge and read it 3x per day.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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patientandclear
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« Reply #26 on: January 10, 2015, 11:04:33 AM »

Totally get all of that. In that framework, it might be worth considering whether it is really helping her for you to be so involved. Being a submerged operating system-type of support rather than a boyfriend, still plays the role for pwBPD that they need to play for themselves. Also, you loved her. Do you really want all that to get filtered through a new "you are disordered and need help" filter? She may come to resent you greatly for acting like she is flawed and needs to be fixed. I almost never communicated my sense of that to my ex, and he still resented like hell the tiny squeaks I ever made on the subject.
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« Reply #27 on: January 10, 2015, 11:59:48 AM »

I took on the "ex girlfriend who is now the supportive friend/pseudo parent role."  I did it because it was the only role he offered me.  He was no longer "in love" with me but he still "loved" me, and it seemed better to accept a role of "importance" than to be discarded along with the others who had labelled him as abusive or a jerk. 

At the time, the role of supporter felt better than nothing at all.  I still felt that I was "important" to him, and that was so much better than feeling like I was non existent to him.

It took a second (or third) round more than 20 years after our romantic relationship officially ended to realize being picked up and set back down (depending on his needs) was a role that was actually very harmful to me.

A good test of your motive is ask yourself if you found out there were others in the same role of "greatest supporter," would you still want to be in that role, or do you want to be in that role because it makes you feel special, unique to her?

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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #28 on: January 10, 2015, 12:20:18 PM »

A good test of your motive is ask yourself if you found out there were others in the same role of "greatest supporter," would you still want to be in that role, or do you want to be in that role because it makes you feel special, unique to her?

EXCELLENT question!
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myself
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« Reply #29 on: January 10, 2015, 12:32:11 PM »

A good test of your motive is ask yourself if you found out there were others in the same role of "greatest supporter," would you still want to be in that role, or do you want to be in that role because it makes you feel special, unique to her?

EXCELLENT question!

Also: Are you hanging in there because that's where your head and heart are really at, or because you're scared to let go (for whatever other reasons) and see it for what it really is? To be/feel special concerning yourself.
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