Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 11:35:57 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: 1 2 3 [All]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Facebook; to remain public or to hide all posts  (Read 894 times)
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« on: January 01, 2015, 10:08:20 AM »

I'm pretty much out of the emotional woods with this relationship with a few lingering punch list with this being one of them:

My exBPD fiance' disappeared 3 months ago. As part of her process, she unfriended me and then blocked me on FB (she did the same with phone, text, LinkedIn and email) after an out of nowhere breakup via text. I have not spoken to her since nor has she attempted contact as she had in other recycling episodes. I'm pretty sure that its over for good.

I had always kept my profile on FB public though I wonder if this might cause me problems in some way with her. I have not commented on our relationship or posted anything even remotely related to her thus avoiding that pratfall. While she blocked me (meaning that when I login she doesn't even appear under a search. She can likewise, not see me). I am, however, pretty sure that she logs out and stalks my page under an alternate account (I am fairly certain that she is doing the same on a dating site I am on as well as on LinkenIn).

Is it a foregone conclusion that after a 2 year relationship that it would be normal for someone to stalk in this way? Would remaining public continue to stoke her fire? I have a suspicion that she feels a sense of attachment or belonging from doing so (even though my friends have remarked that it appears that I have not missed a beat from the nature of my posts).

On the other hand, I suspect that true to a BPD, she may not think about me or miss me any more than an old cell phone or car that once replaced (though important), there is very little thought about the one that was discarded. That being the case, is it that absolute where there is simply NO feeling? Do the triggers that make me remember the good times; the restaurant we used to go to, the special song, that place we went for vacation, etc. Do those not serve as the same kind of triggers as they do for a non?

Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2015, 10:19:14 AM »

Personally I dont know why anyone would have their fb public. I have always had it friends only.

If you suspect she is fb stalking you and havent done anything about it then aee you enjoying the fact she is still taking an interest?

If your serious about putting her behind you then change your privacy. She will probably unblock you and if she does block her. You will probably have some backlash but what can she do to you if you dont let it affect you.
Logged

JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2015, 10:32:09 AM »

Personally I dont know why anyone would have their fb public. I have always had it friends only.

If you suspect she is fb stalking you and havent done anything about it then aee you enjoying the fact she is still taking an interest?

If your serious about putting her behind you then change your privacy. She will probably unblock you and if she does block her. You will probably have some backlash but what can she do to you if you dont let it affect you.

So you are suggesting that going private would have the effect of her actually unblocking me?
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2015, 11:09:54 AM »

It might do. Theres no way of knowing for sure but if she is stalking you and you close her access then she may try other avenues.
Logged

JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2015, 11:18:51 AM »

I never cease to be amazed by BPD's! She dumps me after the idyllic relationship of her dreams becomes available to her, dumps me when the goal is achieved, then goes on her hate campaign and stalks me on FB after blocking me and my friends and family (and successfully compels her family and friends to do the same). That's amore'!
Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2015, 11:40:27 AM »

If your serious about putting her behind you then change your privacy.

'Friends-Only' would keep her from seeing anything, as would blocking. I did both at the end when she was posting hurtful things about me and my family. The relationship was over/we weren't even going to be friends. I didn't want to see her posts anymore, and didn't want her seeing mine.

A question: I've seen other people mention being stalked on FB, but how can you tell when someone is doing that? If they're not commenting on your posts, how is it possible to know they've looked?
Logged
hurting300
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2015, 11:40:58 AM »

My ex and made love on April 1st 2014. Had dinner, talked about our future we also had a baby. Next day I get up for work, she sits in the bathroom and talks to me while I take a shower, she makes my lunch to take to work and she text me all day at work. When I got home she was gone with the baby. She changed her number and deactivated her Facebook. She never even broke up with me. Then she starts driving by my house, which is miles out of the way. I've not seen my baby or her in nine months. These people are capable of anything. Well she activated her Facebook finally, and I blocked her. She still had all the sweet posts up about me. It's weird and unexplainable. Stay away from her.
Logged

In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2015, 11:43:33 AM »

Only if comments are made about posts.I dont mean on fb but by othets or the ex.
Logged

JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2015, 11:49:14 AM »

If your serious about putting her behind you then change your privacy.

'Friends-Only' would keep her from seeing anything, as would blocking. I did both at the end when she was posting hurtful things about me and my family. The relationship was over/we weren't even going to be friends. I didn't want to see her posts anymore, and didn't want her seeing mine.

A question: I've seen other people mention being stalked on FB, but how can you tell when someone is doing that? If they're not commenting on your posts, how is it possible to know they've looked?

There IS a way to see who is visiting your FB page but its messy and time consuming. If your posts are all 'public' as mine are, she would just need to log off of the identity that she blocked me on (I'll show him!), and log on using a fake FB identity. She can see everything... .

Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2015, 11:51:16 AM »

My ex and made love on April 1st 2014. Had dinner, talked about our future we also had a baby. Next day I get up for work, she sits in the bathroom and talks to me while I take a shower, she makes my lunch to take to work and she text me all day at work. When I got home she was gone with the baby. She changed her number and deactivated her Facebook. She never even broke up with me. Then she starts driving by my house, which is miles out of the way. I've not seen my baby or her in nine months. These people are capable of anything. Well she activated her Facebook finally, and I blocked her. She still had all the sweet posts up about me. It's weird and unexplainable. Stay away from her.

Sorry to hear brother, I can't imagine your pain especially with that baby - stay strong.

Mine also kept photos of mine up for a long time that a mutual friend was able to notice... .then she was blocked as well. What's up with that?
Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2015, 11:57:25 AM »

Are you going to switch to some form of 'not-public', then, for your own peace of mind? It's a choice between doing that and accepting it has to be that way, or not doing that and accepting she may be looking.

Either way, you should do what's best for you.
Logged
lipstick
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 374



« Reply #11 on: January 01, 2015, 12:13:56 PM »

I'm pretty much out of the emotional woods with this relationship with a few lingering punch list with this being one of them:

My exBPD fiance' disappeared 3 months ago. As part of her process, she unfriended me and then blocked me on FB (she did the same with phone, text, LinkedIn and email) after an out of nowhere breakup via text. I have not spoken to her since nor has she attempted contact as she had in other recycling episodes. I'm pretty sure that its over for good.

I had always kept my profile on FB public though I wonder if this might cause me problems in some way with her. I have not commented on our relationship or posted anything even remotely related to her thus avoiding that pratfall. While she blocked me (meaning that when I login she doesn't even appear under a search. She can likewise, not see me). I am, however, pretty sure that she logs out and stalks my page under an alternate account (I am fairly certain that she is doing the same on a dating site I am on as well as on LinkenIn).

Is it a foregone conclusion that after a 2 year relationship that it would be normal for someone to stalk in this way? Would remaining public continue to stoke her fire? I have a suspicion that she feels a sense of attachment or belonging from doing so (even though my friends have remarked that it appears that I have not missed a beat from the nature of my posts).

On the other hand, I suspect that true to a BPD, she may not think about me or miss me any more than an old cell phone or car that once replaced (though important), there is very little thought about the one that was discarded. That being the case, is it that absolute where there is simply NO feeling? Do the triggers that make me remember the good times; the restaurant we used to go to, the special song, that place we went for vacation, etc. Do those not serve as the same kind of triggers as they do for a non?

Hi JRT,

Yes, they will continue to stalk your page thru alternate means. My ex has been doing it for over two years now. I was blocked by him last December when I did not accept his Friend Request. Mind you - the request came after over a year of Silent Treatment by him. After dumping me two days before my birthday!

How do I know he does it? I'm guilty of stalking his page as well from time to time. I go thru my mother's account. I've seen strong reactions to things that have been posted on my own page. I don't bait him. He seems to have a problem when there is some reference to my significant other. Such as gift-giving, going places, etc...

Also - to give you an idea of how immature they are - let me tell you about this behavior. My ex has taken up photography as a hobby. He is a member of a FB group that posts pics of a specific event. Several friends of mine also belong to this group. They know who the ex is but don't interact with him in any way. These friends and I all live in the same town. The ex was born here as well but now lives about two hours away in a beach community. So the friends have noticed that ex will "Like" any and every photo posted to this group page EXCEPT for any of our hometown. Just ignores them. Why? Either from shame (thinking everyone here knows what he did to me) or anger (can't "Like" something from "Lipstick the Devil"s town!).  Either way it's childish. It's been over two years since he discarded me. Why care what I or anyone from our hometown think / know at this point? He has a terrible reputation in his own community as he and his spouse are known for "acting out" in public places. She is violent and has had them banned from restaurants, pubs, etc... They're quite the lovely couple!

So to try and answer your question - I believe they keep tabs as a way to feel a "connection" to you. And since you don't know for certain that she's checking up on you - it gives away none of her power or control. Mine also uses an alternate account that he can activate and deactivate at will. He stalks late at night. 2:00 - 3:00 a.m... So I would never be aware of his presence. I know mine feels great shame over what he did to me. We've known each other since I was fifteen years old. I just turned fifty. My ex has to keep his feelings hidden, though. Can't let anyone see what's really going on. He continues to try and portray to the FB world that his life is absolutely perfect and he is the happiest dude on the planet!  Late at night, though... .regrets surface. Thus the FB stalking.

Take care of you!    
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #12 on: January 01, 2015, 01:43:46 PM »

I must admit, there is a part of me that wants her to know that I AM in a good place and that she has no power over me through my FB posts and my activities (I have a very healthy social group, friends, activities, hobbies, etc.). Part of me wants to make her squirm to know that my life goes one despite what she has done. But, now, understanding how a BPD operates, I am thinking that to see my posts gives her some sense of power and connection. That being said, I wonder if disconnecting will slam the door shut on her even if she uses an alternate persona to stalk me.

I also have some property that needs to be returned to me that I am going to have an attorney arrange to solicit from her. I am sure that this will upset her as well.
Logged
AnnaK
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 234


« Reply #13 on: January 01, 2015, 01:54:41 PM »

I go all-public in fb with my photos etc. because due to love-hate cycle, we frequently friend-unfriend-block with my uBPDbf, and I am quite generous. If he wants the pleasure of stalking me - it's all his Smiling (click to insert in post)

I stalk him too though, so no issues.

But he is so far my "current" bf, although right now we are on hate curve of the cycle.
Logged
lipstick
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 374



« Reply #14 on: January 01, 2015, 02:02:45 PM »

I must admit, there is a part of me that wants her to know that I AM in a good place and that she has no power over me through my FB posts and my activities (I have a very healthy social group, friends, activities, hobbies, etc.). Part of me wants to make her squirm to know that my life goes one despite what she has done. But, now, understanding how a BPD operates, I am thinking that to see my posts gives her some sense of power and connection. That being said, I wonder if disconnecting will slam the door shut on her even if she uses an alternate persona to stalk me.

I also have some property that needs to be returned to me that I am going to have an attorney arrange to solicit from her. I am sure that this will upset her as well.

JRT,

In my unprofessional opinion - what you are feeling is normal! Wanting her to see that you're in a good place is perhaps the only "payback" that we nons will ever get!  My ex gets to see all the progress that I've made both personally and professionally since he dumped me two years ago.

Seeing your posts wouldn't give her a sense of power, I wouldn't think. Just more like keeping the connection. The power comes from you not KNOWING that she's lurking. And good luck getting your property back. I gave up on getting mine. I think they like to keep our things. Gives them something tangible of ours since we're not there physically. My ex has several items of mine. And he has gifts that I've given him as well. I thought for sure he would toss the gifts out since they came from "the Devil" (me). But no - he uses them as props in some of his photos and gushes about how they are his "favorite things". Weird, huh?

I think they "squirm" quite a lot, actually. Usually when no one is around. Because we're not allowed to SEE their pain, regrets, shame, whatever. I'm told these folks are great actors! Mine certainly is.
Logged
shatra
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292


« Reply #15 on: January 01, 2015, 10:13:55 PM »

JRT wrote

There IS a way to see who is visiting your FB page but its messy and time consuming.

----Facebook has confirmed it's not possible to see who views your page, and that software claiming to do this is bogus.

-----Re: getting your things back, some people give things back, yet continue or recycle the relationship later. Just because she gives it back to you doesn't mean she won't return later... .if this is what's holding her back from returning the item. Have you tried asking her directly to return it?

Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #16 on: January 01, 2015, 11:47:22 PM »

I go all-public in fb with my photos etc. because due to love-hate cycle, we frequently friend-unfriend-block with my uBPDbf, and I am quite generous. If he wants the pleasure of stalking me - it's all his Smiling (click to insert in post)

I stalk him too though, so no issues.

But he is so far my "current" bf, although right now we are on hate curve of the cycle.

I wonder if you can tell me more abut these cycles. Are they planned or extemporaneous? How long are the cycles? Who breaks the cycle? Etc
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #17 on: January 01, 2015, 11:51:10 PM »

I must admit, there is a part of me that wants her to know that I AM in a good place and that she has no power over me through my FB posts and my activities (I have a very healthy social group, friends, activities, hobbies, etc.). Part of me wants to make her squirm to know that my life goes one despite what she has done. But, now, understanding how a BPD operates, I am thinking that to see my posts gives her some sense of power and connection. That being said, I wonder if disconnecting will slam the door shut on her even if she uses an alternate persona to stalk me.

I also have some property that needs to be returned to me that I am going to have an attorney arrange to solicit from her. I am sure that this will upset her as well.

JRT,

In my unprofessional opinion - what you are feeling is normal! Wanting her to see that you're in a good place is perhaps the only "payback" that we nons will ever get!  My ex gets to see all the progress that I've made both personally and professionally since he dumped me two years ago.

Seeing your posts wouldn't give her a sense of power, I wouldn't think. Just more like keeping the connection. The power comes from you not KNOWING that she's lurking. And good luck getting your property back. I gave up on getting mine. I think they like to keep our things. Gives them something tangible of ours since we're not there physically. My ex has several items of mine. And he has gifts that I've given him as well. I thought for sure he would toss the gifts out since they came from "the Devil" (me). But no - he uses them as props in some of his photos and gushes about how they are his "favorite things". Weird, huh?

I think they "squirm" quite a lot, actually. Usually when no one is around. Because we're not allowed to SEE their pain, regrets, shame, whatever. I'm told these folks are great actors! Mine certainly is.

That's just wild... .I cannot believe that yours uses your stuff as props. The logical me would anticipate that if there was such a strong connection that remained, that he would simply reach out and hash out any differences. But of course we are talking about BPD's.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #18 on: January 01, 2015, 11:59:50 PM »

JRT wrote

There IS a way to see who is visiting your FB page but its messy and time consuming.

----Facebook has confirmed it's not possible to see who views your page, and that software claiming to do this is bogus.

-----Re: getting your things back, some people give things back, yet continue or recycle the relationship later. Just because she gives it back to you doesn't mean she won't return later... .if this is what's holding her back from returning the item. Have you tried asking her directly to return it?

-I have seen the software and you are correct, it IS a scam. However, the process that I am familiar with is part of the Chrome browser and DOES work, I assure you.

-My exBPD 'disappeared' ... .she blocked me from every conceivable manner of contact after suddenly breaking up (via text no less) while I was out of town on business just 3 weeks after she moved in to my house. I called her from a hotel line on two trips as the hotel phones were not blocked. They were met with a letter from a lawyer threatening a PPO and a call from her local police respectively. So, no, I have not attempted to ask her for my stuff back as I have no manner to do so. I am less concerned about her cycling as I am just getting my stuff back. Though, it would be nice to give her a piece of my mind as a parting gift.
Logged
Rise
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 623



« Reply #19 on: January 02, 2015, 01:18:45 AM »

I hope you don't mind me asking but if you don't care if the rest of the world can see what's going on with your FB page, why does it really matter if she can as well? What exactly are the concerns you have?
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #20 on: January 02, 2015, 03:04:12 AM »

I hope you don't mind me asking but if you don't care if the rest of the world can see what's going on with your FB page, why does it really matter if she can as well? What exactly are the concerns you have?

I don't mind at all. My concern is if I remain 'public' that her seeing my post might feed her BPD sense of control, power and sense of connection. I was thinking that making my FB posts 'private' at the expense of why I want them to be 'public' would deny her this luxury.
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #21 on: January 02, 2015, 03:19:36 AM »

If youve disconnected and are NC then feeding her fantasy will have no effect on you. Does it matter if they get something out of it if it doesnt affect you or is it really about hurting them?

We have to be honest why we do these things. If its for your own protection then its sensible if its because you want revenge then do you want to be that person?
Logged

AnnaK
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 234


« Reply #22 on: January 02, 2015, 04:39:08 AM »

I go all-public in fb with my photos etc. because due to love-hate cycle, we frequently friend-unfriend-block with my uBPDbf, and I am quite generous. If he wants the pleasure of stalking me - it's all his Smiling (click to insert in post)

I stalk him too though, so no issues.

But he is so far my "current" bf, although right now we are on hate curve of the cycle.

I wonder if you can tell me more abut these cycles. Are they planned or extemporaneous? How long are the cycles? Who breaks the cycle? Etc

Yeah, well, it seems his love sometimes becomes hate (main thing is that not indifference).

It's not planned, but triggered. Mostly by real or imagined abandonment (started going to boxing so got less emotionally dependent on him, then one moment I refused to talk to him because I had onions getting burned on the gas stove, I left to my country because my visa expired etc.).

He used to cut contact in the "hate" state of the loop (because he is aware that it's weird to love one day and hate next day without any serious reason), but since we talked that it's okay to hate me from time to time, he hates me openly... .that is, tells me he hates me without fear that I will freak out and leave him.

I told him that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference... .so he does not have to worry.

I see it in this light: " I love you so much, but you obviously care more for your onions than for me - so I hate you for that!"

It seems to end by itself after some cooling down period... .mostly. After the triggering episode goes out of "mental scope"

I suspect it's approximately equivalent to normal people holding a grudge. Except that normal adult people take it in prospective, they rarely tell something like : " you did not want to talk to me at 5:12pm because of your onions, so now I will never talk to you again!"

What else... .he obviously does not want to talk to me while he is hating me (it's all very real for him, he sees me like his enemy), but then he just suddenly realises that I am not all that bad as he was thinking, so he starts talking to me again.

Now he pretty much learned that hate is not that very eternal, so we try to maintain the most necessary communication anyway.
Logged
AnnaK
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 234


« Reply #23 on: January 02, 2015, 05:05:41 AM »

I made some topic about this kind of hatred on "staying" board, in most cases of this triggered hate, when asked to give a SPECIFIC reason why he hates me (such as to describe the event when the hate started) - he is giving generic answers. Like "you did enough!" or "you are too stubborn!" etc.

Or else, he is giving some reasons misplaced in time. Like right after that event he was quite fine with me or maybe we reconciled - but then for some OTHER trigger he painted me black, and in search for a rationally valid reason, he pulls out the past stuff.


Logged
downwhim
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 707



« Reply #24 on: January 02, 2015, 06:48:34 AM »

I say hide all posts. I am so glad I am not on FB. To me it is a waste of time and causes this type of anxiety! Whew!
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #25 on: January 02, 2015, 07:36:31 AM »

I made some topic about this kind of hatred on "staying" board, in most cases of this triggered hate, when asked to give a SPECIFIC reason why he hates me (such as to describe the event when the hate started) - he is giving generic answers. Like "you did enough!" or "you are too stubborn!" etc.

Or else, he is giving some reasons misplaced in time. Like right after that event he was quite fine with me or maybe we reconciled - but then for some OTHER trigger he painted me black, and in search for a rationally valid reason, he pulls out the past stuff.

Funny how that works. On her final melt down she brought up all sorts of crap. Some I had heard before and werent a big deal at the time (except to her I guess. She let those fester), some that i accept (like spending more time, i could have tried alot harder than I did, no excuses, but she didnt try either), some totally made up that left me standing there with the What the heck look and then the venom towards my daughter. Im really not understanding why the fu*k im still on here. Seems like a no brainer that she was unstable. Why is she still occupying space in my head?
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #26 on: January 02, 2015, 08:03:50 AM »

I go all-public in fb with my photos etc. because due to love-hate cycle, we frequently friend-unfriend-block with my uBPDbf, and I am quite generous. If he wants the pleasure of stalking me - it's all his Smiling (click to insert in post)

I stalk him too though, so no issues.

But he is so far my "current" bf, although right now we are on hate curve of the cycle.

I wonder if you can tell me more abut these cycles. Are they planned or extemporaneous? How long are the cycles? Who breaks the cycle? Etc

Yeah, well, it seems his love sometimes becomes hate (main thing is that not indifference).

It's not planned, but triggered. Mostly by real or imagined abandonment (started going to boxing so got less emotionally dependent on him, then one moment I refused to talk to him because I had onions getting burned on the gas stove, I left to my country because my visa expired etc.).

He used to cut contact in the "hate" state of the loop (because he is aware that it's weird to love one day and hate next day without any serious reason), but since we talked that it's okay to hate me from time to time, he hates me openly... .that is, tells me he hates me without fear that I will freak out and leave him.

I told him that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference... .so he does not have to worry.

I see it in this light: " I love you so much, but you obviously care more for your onions than for me - so I hate you for that!"

It seems to end by itself after some cooling down period... .mostly. After the triggering episode goes out of "mental scope"

I suspect it's approximately equivalent to normal people holding a grudge. Except that normal adult people take it in prospective, they rarely tell something like : " you did not want to talk to me at 5:12pm because of your onions, so now I will never talk to you again!"

What else... .he obviously does not want to talk to me while he is hating me (it's all very real for him, he sees me like his enemy), but then he just suddenly realises that I am not all that bad as he was thinking, so he starts talking to me again.

Now he pretty much learned that hate is not that very eternal, so we try to maintain the most necessary communication anyway.

How often do you cycle through this way?
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #27 on: January 02, 2015, 08:10:09 AM »

If youve disconnected and are NC then feeding her fantasy will have no effect on you. Does it matter if they get something out of it if it doesnt affect you or is it really about hurting them?

We have to be honest why we do these things. If its for your own protection then its sensible if its because you want revenge then do you want to be that person?

My main concern is trying to understand her behavior and anticipate reaction to my activities. However, given the amount of pain that she inflicted upon me and my daughter, I don't think that there is a person in the world that would fault me for doling come back. Its not like I am looking to burn her house down with her in it either. If cutting her off from seeing my FB posts causes her pain and anxiety, I really don't see any problem in doing so. Going further, do you really believe that makes me some sort of a bad person? I don't think so.
Logged
downwhim
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 707



« Reply #28 on: January 02, 2015, 08:15:08 AM »

Why are you a bad person if you cut her off of FB? You are setting boundaries. That is a good thing.

You said she has hurt you and your daughter yet you also sound like you want her back. Why?
Logged
AnnaK
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 234


« Reply #29 on: January 02, 2015, 08:22:12 AM »

How often do you cycle through this way?

There is no strict cycle, it can happen any time. It's more or less like weather Smiling (click to insert in post)

The main point is to understand that the opposite of love is not hate. Hate is often just a disguise for love. Then I take it easy.
Logged
Pou
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Non existent. Co-habitat. She is extremely abusive and manipulative.
Posts: 344


« Reply #30 on: January 02, 2015, 08:27:25 AM »

just something I have been thinking …. can the behaviors of PDs be so irrational actually have rational basis, it is just that they don't let us in their world and we can not piece things together.  I think at best, they are masters of deceit and therefore consequently that lead to many "irrational" behaviors.
Logged
Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #31 on: January 02, 2015, 08:31:22 AM »

Facebook is well known to do its part in destroying healthy relationships and marriages, I don't even see the need to question what you should do about Facebook in a relationship already destroyed! What percentage of your friends on Facebook actually swing by or ask you over for a cup of coffee? What percentage of the " Friends "  you have on Facebook actually give you a call to see how you are doing? Are they really friends?  Cutting ties with somebody I think should mean closing windows into your life, if they are going to look at you through a friend on a social media or vice versa then there is a part of the relationship that still exists, if these are really your friends then they will understand Facebook is completely meaningless and they will call and or have a cup of coffee with you!

Those are just my thoughts though,
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #32 on: January 02, 2015, 08:31:49 AM »

Why are you a bad person if you cut her off of FB? You are setting boundaries. That is a good thing.

You said she has hurt you and your daughter yet you also sound like you want her back. Why?

That was in response to 'enlighten me'

I have always held a special place in my heart for the people that I used to date and told that I loved them. But this one? Want her back? NOT AT ALL - you read that one wrong. We are dealing with the pain that our BPD's have caused us from our relationships with them and subsequent breakups. In so far as they have variations on their behavior, we all have our different ways of coping with the wake of what has occurred. I admit, I would like to give her a parting shot or two (it would be nice to have an audience with her to tell her what I REALLY think of her and what she had done) so that her sense of power and control are eliminated and/or she is able to feel some consequence for her actions.

I think indifference is the traditional goal but I really don't think I am ever going to get there and I am ok with that. I still hate Hitler too.

Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #33 on: January 02, 2015, 08:38:27 AM »

Facebook is well known to do its part in destroying healthy relationships and marriages, I don't even see the need to question what you should do about Facebook in a relationship already destroyed! What percentage of your friends on Facebook actually swing by or ask you over for a cup of coffee? What percentage of the " Friends "  you have on Facebook actually give you a call to see how you are doing? Are they really friends?  Cutting ties with somebody I think should mean closing windows into your life, if they are going to look at you through a friend on a social media or vice versa then there is a part of the relationship that still exists, if these are really your friends then they will understand Facebook is completely meaningless and they will call and or have a cup of coffee with you!

Those are just my thoughts though,

I couldn't disagree more. I suppose that there are many people that use FB in an unhealthy impersonal manner., Its easy to fall into that hole. While there are many people on my friends list that are nodding acquaintances, a large chunk of them are people that I have real world comings and goings with where FB facilitates interaction... .try it.

I really didn't want this to turn into a discussion about the value of FB, it is what it is. I was looking for opinions regarding keeping her connected by remaining public on FB or shutting her down by going private (at the expense of why I keep it public to begin with). I am a bit of a public figure and would like to avoid going private but would do it in a second if I knew that remaining public was somehow empowering her... .if even for a short while.
Logged
Mr.Downtrodden
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134


« Reply #34 on: January 02, 2015, 09:09:33 AM »

Facebook is the crack / cocaine of social media. Just about everyone is addicted.

Looking for a new partner even though you are involved with someone?  Simply peruse facebook, you'll eventually find it easy to hookup with someone else.  My ex is connected 24/7.

When my ex acted foolishly (poor impulse judgement) last time we were together 5 months ago, it really hit home for me. I have not returned to my facebook account since then.  Struggling with depression, loneliness, feelings of being not good enough, even some self-blame for what transpired.  I did not want to read about facebook 'friends' lives, see selfie pix, etc. Or what my ex was doing.  So, I just abandoned facebook. I've had no desire to log in.  I don't care.

And you know what?  I have a lot of friends there, many of them I have met in real life and know on a personal level beyond that of general acquaintances.  Only ONE eventually contacted me to find out what was going on with me.  The rest?  I'm sure they could care less about me. No loss.

That really shows how shallow and self-absorbed society has become with the advent of social media.

You can be someone you are not.

Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #35 on: January 02, 2015, 09:28:54 AM »

Hi JRT. Im not here to judge you. All im saying is you should do what you feel is right for you and not do things just for the sake of hurting others. We all do things that hurt others but we dont do them just to hurt them. We do it because its something we need to do. Whether its cancelling a night out with friends or not keeping a promise. We have our reasons which are valid. We didnt do it to upset people.

I agree that it can feel good to dish it back but it is short lived and trust me the sooner you get past these thoughts the better as it means your truely getting over them.
Logged

JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #36 on: January 02, 2015, 10:05:53 AM »

Hi JRT. Im not here to judge you. All im saying is you should do what you feel is right for you and not do things just for the sake of hurting others. We all do things that hurt others but we dont do them just to hurt them. We do it because its something we need to do. Whether its cancelling a night out with friends or not keeping a promise. We have our reasons which are valid. We didnt do it to upset people.

I agree that it can feel good to dish it back but it is short lived and trust me the sooner you get past these thoughts the better as it means your truely getting over them.

Generally I agree... .but I am exactly where I want to be and will ever be. Again, I am a VERY benevolent person... .I have a giving heart and have many friends and meaningful relationships. What she did is/was despicable... .I don't think that I need to 'get over' my feeling that all the bad things that have ever happened to her and will happen to her are deserved. She is a bad person, plain and simple and I don't feel that I need to feel funny about punching someone back when they punch me (especially with the attempt to kill me, metaphorically).  I don't think that I need to work on it and I wonder how much of this is OUR fault as we try to be tolerant, patient and understanding... .
Logged
Rise
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 623



« Reply #37 on: January 03, 2015, 02:57:47 AM »

JRT,

You say you are concerned about letting her feel empowered, but aren't you giving her actual power in your life by basing your decisions on how they may or may not affect her?

The only power anyone has in our lives is the power we give them. Don't give her any more than you already have.

-Rise
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #38 on: January 03, 2015, 07:03:17 AM »

JRT,

You say you are concerned about letting her feel empowered, but aren't you giving her actual power in your life by basing your decisions on how they may or may not affect her?

The only power anyone has in our lives is the power we give them. Don't give her any more than you already have.

-Rise

Rise

If someone has a gun, and shoots you in the head and kills you, I am uncertain how that is power that we gave them (I've seen that sound bite many times and it just really does not hold water). Neither do I see how wanting to frustrate her or piss her off is giving power to her. Maybe I am wired the wrong way, but it was only when I became angry that I turned the corner on getting over her and the horrible thing(s) that she had done and corresponding pain that she had caused. It will NEVER happen but punching her in the nose would make me feel REALLY better. Maybe I'm the bad guy... .
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #39 on: January 03, 2015, 07:36:51 AM »

The power you give them by wanting to hurt them is that they are in your head. You are thinking of them and therefore they have a hold on you. Even if they dont know it they are still wielding power over you.

The only person that can let them hurt you is you.

Physical threats are a totally different ball game but even then you can take the power back by avoiding it. I have got myself out of a lot of life threatening situations which if handled differently would mean I would probably be dead. The best method is to avoid. The last option you should use is fight as theres no guarantee of the outcome. The middle ground is diplomacy but that doesnt work with crazy people.
Logged

Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #40 on: January 03, 2015, 07:44:12 AM »

The power you give them by wanting to hurt them is that they are in your head. You are thinking of them and therefore they have a hold on you. Even if they dont know it they are still wielding power over you.

The only person that can let them hurt you is you.

Physical threats are a totally different ball game but even then you can take the power back by avoiding it. I have got myself out of a lot of life threatening situations which if handled differently would mean I would probably be dead. The best method is to avoid. The last option you should use is fight as theres no guarantee of the outcome. The middle ground is diplomacy but that doesnt work with crazy people.

how the hell do you get them out of your head?
Logged
Blimblam
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892



WWW
« Reply #41 on: January 03, 2015, 07:51:02 AM »

The power you give them by wanting to hurt them is that they are in your head. You are thinking of them and therefore they have a hold on you. Even if they dont know it they are still wielding power over you.

The only person that can let them hurt you is you.

Physical threats are a totally different ball game but even then you can take the power back by avoiding it. I have got myself out of a lot of life threatening situations which if handled differently would mean I would probably be dead. The best method is to avoid. The last option you should use is fight as theres no guarantee of the outcome. The middle ground is diplomacy but that doesnt work with crazy people.

how the hell do you get them out of your head?

They twist up our hearts and our heads as the untwist they just ruminate and run through the emotions over and over untill it's done and all the pain has been experienced.  You can try channeling it into some sort of artistic expression. 
Logged
lipstick
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 374



« Reply #42 on: January 03, 2015, 08:49:12 AM »

JRT,

I had my very computer-savvy significant other help me with FB source-coding last night. After a wee bit of detective work - I found the deactivated account that my ex uses to "keep tabs" on me. Checked it last night and then again this morning. It has moved up in the list of folks that check my profile. So he's been a'snoopin !

So to your original question - yes, they do continue to check up on us. In my case - I feel no need to make my page private. If the ex sees something there that bothers him - it's his own fault. The same goes for me whenever I allow myself a peek into his world. Been trying to refrain from it for a few weeks now. Doing okay. You'll make it, too !

Logged
oortcloud

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 40



« Reply #43 on: January 03, 2015, 09:38:08 AM »

JRT, I've had the same question as you recently: leave my ex unblocked, or block her to regain a sense of control?

I was recently unblocked on Facebook after being blocked for 5 months. At first I thought this was a sign that I was split white again, until I noticed she blocked me on twitter the same day (and left me blocked everywhere else). I don't understand it at all.

Right now, I think I'm going to leave her unblocked. I refuse to give her the satisfaction of a reaction.
Logged
Mr.Downtrodden
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134


« Reply #44 on: January 03, 2015, 11:20:09 AM »

JRT,

You say you are concerned about letting her feel empowered, but aren't you giving her actual power in your life by basing your decisions on how they may or may not affect her?

The only power anyone has in our lives is the power we give them. Don't give her any more than you already have.

-Rise

Rise

If someone has a gun, and shoots you in the head and kills you, I am uncertain how that is power that we gave them (I've seen that sound bite many times and it just really does not hold water). Neither do I see how wanting to frustrate her or piss her off is giving power to her. Maybe I am wired the wrong way, but it was only when I became angry that I turned the corner on getting over her and the horrible thing(s) that she had done and corresponding pain that she had caused. It will NEVER happen but punching her in the nose would make me feel REALLY better. Maybe I'm the bad guy... .

I concur, JRT.

I've been far too nice for too long, and it has gotten me nowhere. I'm tired and done with turning hte other cheek, taking the high road, or whatever "I'm a better person" phrase one wishes to drop in. Nope.  I cannot take or absorb the fallout any longer.

My ex confessed to me that her supposed ex BF beat her up after he read all of her messages on her phone.  She convinced me that he was obsessed with her, and that his continued advances left her weak.  After going thru the emotional wringer with her i now understand it was not the ex's obsession, but the fact that she was in fact still "with him" but playing me, and other guys - because she could. Take an extremely attractive and seductively charming lady who claims to be single - who can resist?

BPD or not, I wish I could have seen thru the fog at the time. Now I'm just angry, maybe more at myself.  That doesn't mean I do not want to whallop her given the chance. 

Logged
shatra
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292


« Reply #45 on: January 03, 2015, 02:52:54 PM »

JRT wrote

-I have seen the software and you are correct, it IS a scam. However, the process that I am familiar with is part of the Chrome browser and DOES work, I assure you.

-My exBPD 'disappeared' ... .she blocked me from every conceivable manner of contact after suddenly breaking up (via text no less) while I was out of town on business just 3 weeks after she moved in to my house. I called her from a hotel line on two trips as the hotel phones were not blocked. They were met with a letter from a lawyer threatening a PPO and a call from her local police respectively. So, no, I have not attempted to ask her for my stuff back as I have no manner to do so. I am less concerned about her cycling as I am just getting my stuff back.

----Would you care to share how this works on Google Chrome? It sounds interesting.

-----Sounds like, in typical BPD fashion, she got close (moved in with you) and then got scared of the closeness, so pulled away abruptly after 3 weeks... .didn't she need some proof for getting the lawyer's letter to you? Your original idea of having your own lawyer send her a letter asking for the items back is the best one, considering this new info about her calling the police.  Do you have  a sense of why she hasn't returned the items already?

Shatra
Logged
Rise
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 623



« Reply #46 on: January 03, 2015, 03:21:40 PM »

If someone has a gun, and shoots you in the head and kills you, I am uncertain how that is power that we gave them



If they randomly just walked up to you and shot you in the head? You haven't given them any power. You don't get to control the world. Bad things happen whether we want them to or not. But they didn't have any power over you. They didn't make you do anything, they didn't influence your actions or your choices. A flower pot gets blown off a high window sill by the wind, it falls on your head and kills you. Did the flower pot or the wind have power over your life?

Neither do I see how wanting to frustrate her or piss her off is giving power to her.

It's about making her frustrated. It's about pissing her off. You don't want to feed her sense of power. You're still focused on her. She's still the ultimate motivating force behind these choices. She's still making you do things. They may not be the things she wants, but you're still doing them because of her. How is that not giving her power in your life?

Maybe I am wired the wrong way, but it was only when I became angry that I turned the corner on getting over her and the horrible thing(s) that she had done and corresponding pain that she had caused. It will NEVER happen but punching her in the nose would make me feel REALLY better. Maybe I'm the bad guy... .

JRT, you aren't the bad guy, nor was I trying to imply that you were (and I'm quite sorry if you felt that I was). It's okay to be mad. It's a natural part of the healing process. And you have every right to be angry at someone that has hurt you. Anger can be healthy for us, if we use it in a healthy way. It really comes down to how we use it. We can use it as a catalyst for positive change in our lives. We can use it to carry us through some real bad times towards a better place. But while anger can move us forward, if it's focused on the wrong things, can just as easily keep us trapped in the past. It turns to rumination and hatred and obsession. You're not wrong to feel the way you do, I just don't want to see you get stuck.

My point with all of this is, instead of worrying about what it's going to mean to her, worry about how you feel. Do you really want to make your profile private? If you do, then that's fine, do it. If you don't really want to, then to hell with your ex, don't do it. You're the one that's important, not your ex. Whatever your choice, do it for you, not her.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #47 on: January 03, 2015, 04:31:51 PM »

@Enlighten and Rise

Part of what we (at least I have been) devastated by is a feeling of helplessness….or powerlessness. That there is NOTHING that can be done. NC is a great example of this and one way to restore sanity to their lives as an aggrieved non. Some of us are not of that sort of constitution, I am the consummate action oriented person and have a job and lifestyle that reflect this. Those of us that are like this are highly bothered by inactivity especially where there is crisis or urgency that is involved. We want resolution even if it is not in our favor; at least in the former we are able to move on knowing that we did ALL that we could do, now we can rest easy.

Sometimes that thing is retribution and I am not suggesting that I find her and throw her in front of a train. But I gotta tell ya, for me: it would make me feel better if I knew that I pissed her off .It would be even better if she felt the power of splitting and the punitive nature of her disappearing act to be impotent after the fact. It would also be extremely fulfilling to me to have just one last conversation with her so that I could tell her what kind of pain that she inflicted on me and my daughter….a CHILD! A child who she dispensed with in as unceremonious a fashion as she did me who is now in therapy herself. If that conversation ever were to happen, I fantasize to make it perfectly clear for her to know that she was an accident to the world and that all the bad things that have happened to her and will happen were things that she earned.

These people do not deserve the benevolence of considerate and sensitive treatment from anyone.

@Lipstick and OortCloud

Congrats for learning the trick. Your opinion please: do you feel that your ex seeing the posts satisfies him or otherwise? What do you think the effect would be if you suddenly made all of your posts private?

That was really odd oortcloud. What do you think they were thinking?

@downtrodden

I think it just feels better that way. I think that anger is very much a natural and understandable emotion when it comes ESPECIALLY to relationships. If a relationship or breakup with a BPD does not result in anger, sainthood should be guaranteed!

@Shatra

I have to keep the method secret, sorry.

Yes, there were many stresses going on in her life at that point. Her 17 year old son had just moved into his dads house (he was constant chaos for her….a net loss given her craving for chaos and dysfunction), moving into my house, ceding absolute power over home and finances (etc), being alone for the first time in 18 years (I went out of town on a business trip), etc.

The letter from the lawyer was a matter of convenience; her son just got a job at a family friend’s law firm (fired since then) and I am sure that he asked a partner for a favor. I spoke to the lawyer and even he seemed to think the PPO to be without merit. I am certain that is why she skipped going forward with him to file a PPO and went to the cops – he probably would have 1)asked for a sizable check or 2) would have advised her that there were no grounds for a ppo.


Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #48 on: January 03, 2015, 04:56:36 PM »

Hi JRT

I also have a strong sense of justice and dont like to sit around while people get away with stuff. I was married for ten years to a uBPD. she dumped me when I was in Afghanistan. Recycled me then dumped me when I went back. She moved my kids away and took me to the cleaners in court. Three years ago I was contacted by an exgf. We got together had a kid and have split up. She was where I learnt about BPD. I went through all the crazy with her before I left.

They both hurt me more than I thought possible. My exgf left me with PTSD. Something the IRA, Alquaida and the taliban never managed.

The thing I realised is yhat with my exwife I did all the counter smear campaign, rubbing her nose in it through social media and anything that I yhought would p her off. At the time it felt good but now I see that all it did was make me look like the sad crazy one. With my exgf I dont do anything. Its much less stress.

As I said before dont let her be the driving force behind your actions. Do things because you want to. By thinking about them when you do things you are empowrring them even if they dont know it. These are people who always trip themselves up. They will get their karma and you will feel better for not reacting even if you might not feel that way now. By not getting involved her friends have started questioning her actions and are slowly drifting away. She has no fuel for the fire.
Logged

oortcloud

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 40



« Reply #49 on: January 03, 2015, 05:48:39 PM »

@Enlighten and Rise

Part of what we (at least I have been) devastated by is a feeling of helplessness….or powerlessness. That there is NOTHING that can be done. NC is a great example of this and one way to restore sanity to their lives as an aggrieved non. Some of us are not of that sort of constitution, I am the consummate action oriented person and have a job and lifestyle that reflect this. Those of us that are like this are highly bothered by inactivity especially where there is crisis or urgency that is involved. We want resolution even if it is not in our favor; at least in the former we are able to move on knowing that we did ALL that we could do, now we can rest easy.

Sometimes that thing is retribution and I am not suggesting that I find her and throw her in front of a train. But I gotta tell ya, for me: it would make me feel better if I knew that I pissed her off .It would be even better if she felt the power of splitting and the punitive nature of her disappearing act to be impotent after the fact. It would also be extremely fulfilling to me to have just one last conversation with her so that I could tell her what kind of pain that she inflicted on me and my daughter….a CHILD! A child who she dispensed with in as unceremonious a fashion as she did me who is now in therapy herself. If that conversation ever were to happen, I fantasize to make it perfectly clear for her to know that she was an accident to the world and that all the bad things that have happened to her and will happen were things that she earned.

These people do not deserve the benevolence of considerate and sensitive treatment from anyone.

@Lipstick and OortCloud

Congrats for learning the trick. Your opinion please: do you feel that your ex seeing the posts satisfies him or otherwise? What do you think the effect would be if you suddenly made all of your posts private?

That was really odd oortcloud. What do you think they were thinking?

@downtrodden

I think it just feels better that way. I think that anger is very much a natural and understandable emotion when it comes ESPECIALLY to relationships. If a relationship or breakup with a BPD does not result in anger, sainthood should be guaranteed!

@Shatra

I have to keep the method secret, sorry.

Yes, there were many stresses going on in her life at that point. Her 17 year old son had just moved into his dads house (he was constant chaos for her….a net loss given her craving for chaos and dysfunction), moving into my house, ceding absolute power over home and finances (etc), being alone for the first time in 18 years (I went out of town on a business trip), etc.

The letter from the lawyer was a matter of convenience; her son just got a job at a family friend’s law firm (fired since then) and I am sure that he asked a partner for a favor. I spoke to the lawyer and even he seemed to think the PPO to be without merit. I am certain that is why she skipped going forward with him to file a PPO and went to the cops – he probably would have 1)asked for a sizable check or 2) would have advised her that there were no grounds for a ppo.

These are just my thoughts JRT, but I think that the ability to view my profile gives my ex a feeling of control. If I suddenly blocked my profile, I think it would make her feel out of control, and she'd have a negative reaction.

With regarding to the blocking/unblocking... .I've concluded that either one of two scenarios happened:

1) she wanted to unblock me on facebook to ensure we don't go to the same events, and coincidentally my name was popping up on twitter under the "Who to follow" section. However, doing these two things at the same time seem weird to me.

2) She noticed that I removed myself from a meetup group that she runs on meetup.com, and as an act of revenge, unblocked and blocked me hoping that I'd notice and contact her.

In all honesty though, I have no way of knowing for sure... .so I've stopped trying to understand it.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #50 on: January 03, 2015, 05:51:02 PM »

Hi JRT

I also have a strong sense of justice and dont like to sit around while people get away with stuff. I was married for ten years to a uBPD. she dumped me when I was in Afghanistan. Recycled me then dumped me when I went back. She moved my kids away and took me to the cleaners in court. Three years ago I was contacted by an exgf. We got together had a kid and have split up. She was where I learnt about BPD. I went through all the crazy with her before I left.

They both hurt me more than I thought possible. My exgf left me with PTSD. Something the IRA, Alquaida and the taliban never managed.

The thing I realised is yhat with my exwife I did all the counter smear campaign, rubbing her nose in it through social media and anything that I yhought would p her off. At the time it felt good but now I see that all it did was make me look like the sad crazy one. With my exgf I dont do anything. Its much less stress.

As I said before dont let her be the driving force behind your actions. Do things because you want to. By thinking about them when you do things you are empowrring them even if they dont know it. These are people who always trip themselves up. They will get their karma and you will feel better for not reacting even if you might not feel that way now. By not getting involved her friends have started questioning her actions and are slowly drifting away. She has no fuel for the fire.

Sorry to hear about your situation, I really feel the pain.

I have to be honest with myself: I spent that last 3 months in pain that felt like a herd of elephants sat on my soul. I think that everyone on this thread knows that feeling. It wasn't until I finally got pissed, I mean REALLY pissed that I snapped out of it. The last week since it happened has been liberating for me. I FEEL GREAT albeit I have some outstanding questions that are more curiosities than anything else. Reacting... .DOING something about it worked for me. Reading these posts regarding NC and 'moving on' and 'getting over it' or 'pay attention to you now' were mind boggling to me and served nothing more than to stress me even more than I already was. Releasing all that energy in the form of anger (no one has been hurt) was the right approach for me.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #51 on: January 03, 2015, 05:59:01 PM »

@Enlighten and Rise

Part of what we (at least I have been) devastated by is a feeling of helplessness….or powerlessness. That there is NOTHING that can be done. NC is a great example of this and one way to restore sanity to their lives as an aggrieved non. Some of us are not of that sort of constitution, I am the consummate action oriented person and have a job and lifestyle that reflect this. Those of us that are like this are highly bothered by inactivity especially where there is crisis or urgency that is involved. We want resolution even if it is not in our favor; at least in the former we are able to move on knowing that we did ALL that we could do, now we can rest easy.

Sometimes that thing is retribution and I am not suggesting that I find her and throw her in front of a train. But I gotta tell ya, for me: it would make me feel better if I knew that I pissed her off .It would be even better if she felt the power of splitting and the punitive nature of her disappearing act to be impotent after the fact. It would also be extremely fulfilling to me to have just one last conversation with her so that I could tell her what kind of pain that she inflicted on me and my daughter….a CHILD! A child who she dispensed with in as unceremonious a fashion as she did me who is now in therapy herself. If that conversation ever were to happen, I fantasize to make it perfectly clear for her to know that she was an accident to the world and that all the bad things that have happened to her and will happen were things that she earned.

These people do not deserve the benevolence of considerate and sensitive treatment from anyone.

@Lipstick and OortCloud

Congrats for learning the trick. Your opinion please: do you feel that your ex seeing the posts satisfies him or otherwise? What do you think the effect would be if you suddenly made all of your posts private?

That was really odd oortcloud. What do you think they were thinking?

@downtrodden

I think it just feels better that way. I think that anger is very much a natural and understandable emotion when it comes ESPECIALLY to relationships. If a relationship or breakup with a BPD does not result in anger, sainthood should be guaranteed!

@Shatra

I have to keep the method secret, sorry.

Yes, there were many stresses going on in her life at that point. Her 17 year old son had just moved into his dads house (he was constant chaos for her….a net loss given her craving for chaos and dysfunction), moving into my house, ceding absolute power over home and finances (etc), being alone for the first time in 18 years (I went out of town on a business trip), etc.

The letter from the lawyer was a matter of convenience; her son just got a job at a family friend’s law firm (fired since then) and I am sure that he asked a partner for a favor. I spoke to the lawyer and even he seemed to think the PPO to be without merit. I am certain that is why she skipped going forward with him to file a PPO and went to the cops – he probably would have 1)asked for a sizable check or 2) would have advised her that there were no grounds for a ppo.

These are just my thoughts JRT, but I think that the ability to view my profile gives my ex a feeling of control. If I suddenly blocked my profile, I think it would make her feel out of control, and she'd have a negative reaction.

With regarding to the blocking/unblocking... .I've concluded that either one of two scenarios happened:

1) she wanted to unblock me on facebook to ensure we don't go to the same events, and coincidentally my name was popping up on twitter under the "Who to follow" section. However, doing these two things at the same time seem weird to me.

2) She noticed that I removed myself from a meetup group that she runs on meetup.com, and as an act of revenge, unblocked and blocked me hoping that I'd notice and contact her.

In all honesty though, I have no way of knowing for sure... .so I've stopped trying to understand it.

Wow... .this stuff blows my mind it really does! Mine recycled me several times in the past so I am a bit surprised that she has not done so yet... .perhaps my public posts are staving her off for some reason.

I am pretty sure that going private on FB will cause her some distress. I am definitely going to do it but have one thing that I am going to do before making the change. She left a large trunk of keepsake items here; the kind of stuff you would rush into a burning building to save... .I am sure for a reason. I told her lawyer (he said it was ok to discard all property that she left now knowing what I had), her dad and her sister about the stuff but have not heard a peep from her. I am going to offer it to anyone who wants it to come pick it up or it is going into the trash on Friday. I'll let that fly until later in the week and then shut her down towards the end of the week. Maybe it would be a good idea along those lines to post a selfie with my new gf? If she thinks she has power... .
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #52 on: January 03, 2015, 06:03:19 PM »

I totally agree that anger is liberating. It is part of the healing process. Without going through the anger stage you cant fully heal. It serves a purpose. It motivates you and helps you detatch. It can only be held onto for a limited time before you have to go past it to reach your ultimate goal of indifference. When you become indifferent about your ex then you are truly over them. Having been through it twice now I know it to be true. Not quite got to indifference with the exgf but past the anger.
Logged

Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #53 on: January 03, 2015, 06:03:27 PM »

I have blocked her on everything thing and I dont care if she likes it or not. We are done. What she does is not my business nor do I care what she does. Im really not sure why the hubris on this subject. To me IMHO, we are on here to break free from them. For me, not being exposed to her and anything she does is right for me. Already had that shock. Just sayin... .
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #54 on: January 03, 2015, 11:39:23 PM »

I totally agree that anger is liberating. It is part of the healing process. Without going through the anger stage you cant fully heal. It serves a purpose. It motivates you and helps you detatch. It can only be held onto for a limited time before you have to go past it to reach your ultimate goal of indifference. When you become indifferent about your ex then you are truly over them. Having been through it twice now I know it to be true. Not quite got to indifference with the exgf but past the anger.

I am not sure that I am over my ex at this point, probably not fully. But I will respectfully disagree that indifference is my goal. I am hyperbolizing of course but Stalin, Pol Pot and Hitler did some really horrible things. I am not indifferent to them and what they did and I will never be. Still, I am a mentally and emotionally healthy person. My ex did despicable things but not to the magnitude of the above despots. I can hate her too and be over her.
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #55 on: January 04, 2015, 12:50:25 AM »

I am not saying to forgive her. I can never forgive mine. What I mean by indiference is that you dont even think about them but if you do its not triggering. You dont get that sinking feeling or panic or whatever you get now when you think of them. They have as much emotional effect on you as a road sign would.
Logged

lipstick
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 374



« Reply #56 on: January 04, 2015, 04:34:06 AM »

JRT,

How would my ex react if I locked down my page?  I think he would be saddened by it at first (he's a male Waif, BTW). Then he would probably just keep coming back to it every now and then to see if anything changed. And to see my profile picture.  He had a habit of saving my FB pictures to a private folder.

I don't believe he would have an outward reaction (ex: contacting me). He is very, very good at keeping up appearances. To contact me would be a sign of weakness and a loss of control. He allows neither.

Posting things on FB to bait or hurt them might feel good initially (I did it myself), but you wind up feeling like you've sunk to their level when you do it. One of our members here - "FromHeeltoHeal" said that indifference / ignoring them is the best payback. That's what I've been working on. I would say just go on with your life. Continue posting what you want to post on FB. Lock it down to Friends only if you just want to completely shut her out. I chose not to do that. Why? Because my ex would understand that it was directed at him. He would know that I was still thinking about him and he would like that. So I leave my page public. As I said in a previous post - it's his choice to snoop. If he sees something that bothers him, well - perhaps he shouldn't have hurt me. Then I would still be in his life. Instead he chooses to stay in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship. And spy on me from afar! At this point - I'm sure he's convinced that I hate him and he is too cowardly to reach out. They don't handle rejection well.

Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #57 on: January 04, 2015, 05:19:51 AM »

I have blocked her on everything thing and I dont care if she likes it or not. We are done. What she does is not my business nor do I care what she does. Im really not sure why the hubris on this subject. To me IMHO, we are on here to break free from them. For me, not being exposed to her and anything she does is right for me. Already had that shock. Just sayin... .

And a final note as I've seen people mention, why do we care if they think it's directed at them or they'll get upset. I know there are those of you that have child custody issues and the like, I understand, but those of us who don't? Block, unfriend, and move the fu*k on. THEY lost the right to our hearts, why do them any favors?
Logged
Perdita
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: 5 years in
Posts: 599



« Reply #58 on: January 04, 2015, 05:24:41 AM »

I deactivate my account several months ago, because his fantasy girl liked posting on his page and I believe she did it deliberately to hurt me as she would tell him about places for them to go to together!  So I decided to just get off Facebook and not give her the satisfaction.

Trust me, they do keep going back to your Facebook page if you are still there and haven't blocked them.  Mine still facebook stalks his previous ex everyday and it's been 5 years since she walked out and went NC!
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #59 on: January 04, 2015, 09:01:47 AM »

I deactivate my account several months ago, because his fantasy girl liked posting on his page and I believe she did it deliberately to hurt me as she would tell him about places for them to go to together!  So I decided to just get off Facebook and not give her the satisfaction.

Trust me, they do keep going back to your Facebook page if you are still there and haven't blocked them.  Mine still facebook stalks his previous ex everyday and it's been 5 years since she walked out and went NC!

\

WOW!
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #60 on: January 04, 2015, 09:41:38 AM »

I deactivate my account several months ago, because his fantasy girl liked posting on his page and I believe she did it deliberately to hurt me as she would tell him about places for them to go to together!  So I decided to just get off Facebook and not give her the satisfaction.

Trust me, they do keep going back to your Facebook page if you are still there and haven't blocked them.  Mine still facebook stalks his previous ex everyday and it's been 5 years since she walked out and went NC!

\

WOW!

Yeah. My GF stalked her ex husband on Instagram and always b___ed about who he was with and where he was eating. Followed him on Facebook too. What an absolute idiot I was. I hardly said a word about it. Yet, at the final rage, she tells me that I'm not over my ex? Wow... .
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #61 on: January 04, 2015, 09:53:12 AM »

I deactivate my account several months ago, because his fantasy girl liked posting on his page and I believe she did it deliberately to hurt me as she would tell him about places for them to go to together!  So I decided to just get off Facebook and not give her the satisfaction.

Trust me, they do keep going back to your Facebook page if you are still there and haven't blocked them.  Mine still facebook stalks his previous ex everyday and it's been 5 years since she walked out and went NC!

\

WOW!

Yeah. My GF stalked her ex husband on Instagram and always b___ed about who he was with and where he was eating. Followed him on Facebook too. What an absolute idiot I was. I hardly said a word about it. Yet, at the final rage, she tells me that I'm not over my ex? Wow... .

I've seen this as a 'theme' as well: the BPD accusing the non of the problem that the BPD has. Just finished reading '... .eggshells' where the author notes this more than once. Along those lines, my cousin ran into her 18 year old son (what a piece of work he is!) who insisted to her (my own cousin) that I am 'psycho', It's ME that's psycho! Well, we all laughed about it and realized that what he said was just rolling downhill.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 2 3 [All]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!