How to be strong when he wants you back

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi family,

So my BPD ex is telling me he wants me back. His exact words were " can't we just forget it all get married and have kids?"  How can he even ask me that ? He cheated with my mate for 8 months.   This is the part if this disorder that really gets me...   How can he offer all my hopes and broken dreams for us up on a platter to get what've wants?  How can he not even see how cruel that is?  Feeling very tormented  this evening! Please can someone tell me how to cope with this?

[Giggler82]

Hi family,

So my BPD ex is telling me he wants me back. His exact words were " can't we just forget it all get married and have kids?"  How can he even ask me that ? He cheated with my mate for 8 months.   This is the part if this disorder that really gets me...   How can he offer all my hopes and broken dreams for us up on a platter to get what've wants?  How can he not even see how cruel that is?  Feeling very tormented  this evening! Please can someone tell me how to cope with this?

[1989]

Hi Giggler,

I'm simplifying it:  Do you want to build your life with a man who makes decisions based on what he's feeling in the moment?  Or do you want to build your life with someone you can trust, can depend on, and who makes his decisions based on what's best for your relationship (and your future family)?

It really comes down to what kind of future you want for yourself.

[Crayfog]

Mine didn't mention marraige in a positive or possible sense until we'd broken up. But even with that little carrot, he phrased it as an insult. It felt SO unfair! It was also terribly difficult not to go back with so much history. It was at that point that I blocked him from any contact and that was the turning point. I focused on me, what I want, who I want to be and slowly I got over him. But it was the most difficult break up to get over. Even though it was just a fraction of time compared to my other long term relationships.

Sending you strength, understanding and support. This is very confusing.

[Giggler82]

1989 that is very true and I need to hear it often.  It's the trust that is the big one for me. I can never trust him to make the best choice for "us". Sigh!

Thanks Crayfrog. I need to be strong. I know. And I'm party any of us on here have had to deal with this. I have been focusing on myself. I needed to do that so I'm keeping in mind that the silver lining to my situation is that without me catching he wouldn't have been diagnosed, and I wouldn't have seen my own issues that needed some tlc.

[1989]

Giggler,

The really big problem with pwBPD is they always believe there is an answer to their misery, that there is a cure.  They don't live in the here and now, but in the past (pining) and in the furture (wishing).  I liken it to a baby with an upset stomach:  all they know is it hurts and they want someone to take the pain away.  He had an affair with your roommate because at the time that felt like the answer.  When he realized she wasn't the answer, then he decided that you really were the answer or better yet, marriage and kids is the answer.  It won't take him long to realize that also isn't the answer.

The only answer is for him to be healed through very long and intensive therapy, and even then it will always be a struggle of sorts.

[jhkbuzz]

Giggler,

The really big problem with pwBPD is they always believe there is an answer to their misery, that there is a cure.  They don't live in the here and now, but in the past (pining) and in the furture (wishing).  I liken it to a baby with an upset stomach:  all they know is it hurts and they want someone to take the pain away.  He had an affair with your roommate because at the time that felt like the answer.  When he realized she wasn't the answer, then he decided that you really were the answer or better yet, marriage and kids is the answer.  It won't take him long to realize that also isn't the answer.

The only answer is for him to be healed through very long and intensive therapy, and even then it will always be a struggle of sorts.

This is very insightful... .but perhaps that first sentence needs a slight addition: "The really big problem with pwBPD is they always believe there is an answer to their misery, that there is a cure outside of themselves."

[Trog]

Flippant with our hearts no?

My ex would call me asking to get back with me and then later in the conversation tell me she had a crush on someone else! I can analyse this till the cows come home but at some point you've just got to say 'creep'.

I assume they don't understand how toying with emotions feels, I don't believe they feel like we feel. Or if they do they don't believe we are capable of feeling. I find my ex heartbreakingly cruel, and it's not just reserved for me. She cuts others to the quick, thou it's mostly reserved for romantic partners. Right now I just view her as a joke, some kind of sick serpent writhing in her own bile.

Im sure it's a BPD symptom but I no longer care why she is as she is.

[Giggler82]

Hi jhkbuzz

Cure outside themselves sounds about right to me. He doesn't know what he wants or who he really is. I know he won't understand himself for a long time. I just wish I could switch off the emotional swig I seem to be on. My ex has been in my life for 20 years. His meds have made him seem like his old self. This is hard for me because despite everything I will always love him. I'm finding the strength I need from you guys n gals.

Hey Trog

My  bpex cheated with a girl who he is convinced is BP too. And to be honest knowing some of the behaviours I would say that in my experience. ( remember she was my friend). They are much much worse.  Vindictive  doesn't come close.  I don't know if they have the capability to tput others first or even consider others. They are so locked in their own world.  Creep is a very mild way to put it.  They do feel an awful lot actually. It's just all about them and their wants in that moment.  You telling her no would be the cruelty trigger!  See it's so easy to think about it afterwards and give others advise but it  hurts so much when it's  us. 

I feel like this support family has saved me! Knowing you all know how I feel is like balm to my soul. Safety in mumbers

Thanks all xx