Coping methods for not breaking NC?

[Terrychango]

Went 4 weeks, then sent an email, I don't even know if she will have read it as I think she has me blocked.

I am very annoyed and frustrated with myself about this!

I know all her contact details in my head so i can't even delete them.

Anyone have any specific methods for helping them not to break NC?

[rjones91]

If I feel the urge to text my ex, I put my phone face down and walk away for 15 minutes. If I feel the urge to email her, I get up and walk away from my computer. I constantly remind myself that my ex isn't even worthy of any form of communication from me, as she messed that up when our relationship ended on horrible terms.

Its about will power and you have it. Just remember all the negative things that may have happened to you and remind yourself that you are one day closer from being completely healed of her by not contacting her. Eventually out of sight, out of mind will become a reality.

[Alberto]

Was she the woman of your life?

Make a deep introspective excercise and think if you really want to spend the rest of your life with her.

If the answer is yes, by all means contact her and don't hold things inside you. Tell her all what you still have to say, because it could be her panicking and going through a push phase.

If the answer is no, let time pass, it's the only way.

[Terrychango]

She was the Woman of my life.

I have re-found so many other things being apart from her though.

I have my friends back in my life and my family who i neglected for a year, I missed a whole year of my niece and nephew growing up.

Would I spend the rest of life with her, yes (with boundaries), But I guess I know that i couldn't because I would have to sacrifice too much of me and everything else I love. ( I know she will never stick to the boundaries)

But sometimes I miss her and get trapped by the feeling and breaking NC makes me feel like ___, I sometimes wish I could just detach like they do!

[raisins3142]

This is something I do when I want to get out the credit card and blow $500 on archery equipment or something: tell myself I have to wait a set amount of time (usually 24 hours) and if I still think I need the item then I will reconsider buying it or buy it.

The same thing might work with NC.  Make yourself sleep on it or come here and post, as you did.

The last time I wanted to contact my ex, I was picturing her sad and alone with her BPD, and I got out the credit card and was going to order her flowers to brighten her day.  It took a while to pick things, enter numbers, etc. and by that time the motivation was gone.

One thing that helped me was asking myself "why do you want to do this? what are all the consequences this might have?"  Those questions and the delay got me to not break NC.

[Mutt]

I am very annoyed and frustrated with myself about this!

Don't be hard on yourself if you sent a message.

Fall down 7 times, get up 8.

It gets easier.

[Alberto]

I think you're still chemically addicted, because you know full well someone that separates you from your friends and family is not the right person.

You will detach, and you will be happier than you were with her.

[Jack2727]

Hi.

I'm going through the same thing at the moment. I've been tempted to email my ex'a parents and thank them for how well they treated me. But every time I think about texting or emailing them or her I stop.

It's hard

When you are so traumatically cut out of a persons life it is natural to yearn for that connection. I still struggle with this at almost the two month NC point.

When you feel the urge to reach out... .Wait... .Think

Do you really want the person or the ideal back? My ex was beautiful. On the outside she was the dream girl next door. I think I yearn more for the ideal of what I thought she was than who she really is.

The truth is my ex is a really ugly person. A person who serious mental issues who hurt me worse than I have ever been before. She is the person who abandoned me at my weakest point.

She knows where to find me and your ex knows where to find you.

When you get the urge, gotta ask yourself... .Do I miss the person who she is or the image I made up in my mind?

Good luck and hope this helps

[zeus123]

hi terrychango.

It is important and i guess everyone would agree that when we go NO CONTACT after a break up we should maintain strict rules of NC, the intent is to heal and find sanity and peace in ourselves after a relationship with a BPD person.

Your compulsions to return for another drink from the borderline's toxic well despite how rejecting and injurious she is to you,stems from your desperate need to repreive from emotional exile. you're wanting to escape the shame of having been banished from her kingdom, because it hurts way too much, and drudges up old abandonment despair from your childhood. i have learned that dealing with a BPD after a break up that there is only one remedy for healing and moving on, it is maintaining NO CONTACT.

[rlhmm]

hi terrychango.

It is important and i guess everyone would agree that when we go NO CONTACT after a break up we should maintain strict rules of NC, the intent is to heal and find sanity and peace in ourselves after a relationship with a BPD person.

Your compulsions to return for another drink from the borderline's toxic well despite how rejecting and injurious she is to you,stems from your desperate need to repreive from emotional exile. you're wanting to escape the shame of having been banished from her kingdom, because it hurts way too much, and drudges up old abandonment despair from your childhood. i have learned that dealing with a BPD after a break up that there is only one remedy for healing and moving on, it is maintaining NO CONTACT.

[/quote]
 very good zeus. i would add that, if she has a replacement already that her focus is COMPLETELY on him. not you. by breaking nc you are feeding her huge ego and hurting yours... .in other words, if you message her, you are giving more of yourself away. you DONT want to give her anymore of yourself to punish. stay silent! stay away! go for a walk, talk to yourself, thats right, talk out loud if you are alone... .listen to what you have to say. it works! do not feed the beast! go be with friends, go to the gym... .break patterns... .do anything that helps you not to break nc! good luck and i hope this helps!  

[zeus123]

rlhmm you're right! tc  do absolutely nothing, No contact sends the loudest message that you have moved on, and she doesn't matter to you(even if she still does). if you establish contact with her,she will try to get back in to use you again for self-validation,favors,money,etc. no matter how much time has elapsed. stay strong. and be the exception among all her last lovers,who have kept that door open hoping to get back in her box. stay with no contact! you will stand out as the one guy in her whole world who's had enough self-respect, and dignity she will adore you more and you will stay in her head until the end of her time.

[Their Dad]

Don't be too hard on yourself. 

I came up with something last night that worked quite well.  Have a close friend or family member that is familiar with your situation role play via text messages.  I did this last night for the first time and it was a great way to get out some pent up stuff that I would relay.  My T loved the idea this morning and stated one of the hardest things about my situation is that my ex won't look at herself, blames me for everything and I am conditioned to believe it due to years of her crazy making.  There is no getting through.  Impossible.  We now communicate in writting over the children and I keep it as short and simple as possible.   I have been NC on the verbal communication for eight days and am now on record breaking territory!

Try the text role playing.