Did your ex BPD partner 'thrive' after the break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All

My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago after six years. She ended it and it was abrupt and left me confused and upset trying to understand what has happened. Since the break she was been this completely different person, she absolutely hates me and has had no time to be kind or talk about our relationship. It's as if once she decided she was done that was it and I dont exist anymore - and when I do show on her radar I'm completely hated and talked badly about. She blamed me for the break up, I can't even recall all the things she said but it was all because of me so she said. I know that is just ridiculous, even though it hurts to be blamed for all her shortcomings and depression, when I stood by her for years and was always there for her through the ups and down and the push and pull cycles.

Despite all this though, while I have developed severe depression flowing the break up and have just started antidepressants for the first time in my life, she seems to be thriving. She has lost 18 kilos and seems very happy. I looked at her Instagram this weekend and she was cooking this Jamie Oliver dish from scratch - i know that won't sound weird to people but it's a far cry from the person I dated. She spent the better part of last year in a low, and wouldn't do much except gamble on occasion and binge eat (I was working away at the time). Now she seems to be the person I would've loved to have dated, being proactive and enjoying life.

Did this happen to anyone else? When you and your ex broke up did they seem to become a more improved version of themselves? It just makes me feel like I was the one holding her back all this time even though I know it's crazy. She could've been this person when I was away from her for a year so I know it's not me to blame. It's just hard to see her doing so well, without a care in the world for me and I'm the polar opposite right now.

[Ezra]

Hi All

My ex and I broke up about 4 months ago after six years. She ended it and it was abrupt and left me confused and upset trying to understand what has happened. Since the break she was been this completely different person, she absolutely hates me and has had no time to be kind or talk about our relationship. It's as if once she decided she was done that was it and I dont exist anymore - and when I do show on her radar I'm completely hated and talked badly about. She blamed me for the break up, I can't even recall all the things she said but it was all because of me so she said. I know that is just ridiculous, even though it hurts to be blamed for all her shortcomings and depression, when I stood by her for years and was always there for her through the ups and down and the push and pull cycles.

Despite all this though, while I have developed severe depression flowing the break up and have just started antidepressants for the first time in my life, she seems to be thriving. She has lost 18 kilos and seems very happy. I looked at her Instagram this weekend and she was cooking this Jamie Oliver dish from scratch - i know that won't sound weird to people but it's a far cry from the person I dated. She spent the better part of last year in a low, and wouldn't do much except gamble on occasion and binge eat (I was working away at the time). Now she seems to be the person I would've loved to have dated, being proactive and enjoying life.

Did this happen to anyone else? When you and your ex broke up did they seem to become a more improved version of themselves? It just makes me feel like I was the one holding her back all this time even though I know it's crazy. She could've been this person when I was away from her for a year so I know it's not me to blame. It's just hard to see her doing so well, without a care in the world for me and I'm the polar opposite right now.

[Trog]

Total personality changes are common. Perhaps she is mirroring her new partner rather than being miraculously 'better'. How was she during your first months together?

[Infared]

This is common. Mine was in a relationship behind my back, long before she left. She flicked a switch and became someone that treated me in a way that I could not imagine. I was severely depressed as well and I think that you will find that your experience is similar to many if not all who come to this site.

if you want to heal I would suggest that you break all contact with her, and block all social media and do not check on hers. How do you feel after you check up on her?

Remember... .she may just be putting up a social media from and/or inventing her next personality to catch her prey. One never knows... .they are crafty and manipulative... .the sick ones.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yes, mine showed to the world after the break up what a good time she had, had a new boyfriend in 6 weeks time, suddenly had all sorts of friends (which she couldn't be bothered with when we were together even though I tried to pursuay her in getting more friends). They have to show the world that they made the right choice. It's important for them.

In a way, us feeling very bad after the break up is normal. Its grieving. It shows us that we are the normal people that have been used. So take comfort in that.

[Leaving]

This is typical of narcissistic personality disorder.  Both my mother and husband have NPD/BPD and both of them will quickly dispose of friends, children, parents, coworkers, jobs/customers, pets and anything else that  threatens them in some way.  I'm sure this is a defense mechanism that protects their fragile egos.  My mother has disposed of me and my brother and treats us like strangers now. She's completely detached and has absolutely no maternal feeling for us.

Within only minutes of deciding to leave my husband, he called his family ( who he never talked to) and cozied up with them, called old coworkers, jumped on facebook, etc... and began an aggressive pursuit for attention and a new life.  He also became vicious toward me and did some pretty ugly demented things.  Part of his psycho behavior was due to him having an unskilled therapist who thought he needed assertive training and didn't realize he was borderline/NPD.  She turned him into an aggressive animal and my therapist had to contact his T's office and tell them what was happening.  I was terrified.

My therapist has told me a few times not to ever under estimate my husband's ability to survive and survive very well despite his very coy and helpless demeanor in our  marriage.  She has made it very clear that he ' needs me' and therefore, sees me as a tool for him to use and that he will easily find another tool to replace me once I'm gone.  Keep in mind that while they may appear to be thriving, they are no better off ( mentally or emotionally) than they were with us.  Remember, they were just like that with us in the beginning.  Once they conquer and acquire us, they use us and then dispose of us without any remorse.  They leave a path of destruction behind them for everyone else to clean up and they don't care.

It does hurt a bit to know that we meant nothing to them other than being a machine that strokes their ego and nurtures their basic needs.  But, that's just how it is. 

[christin5433]

I am currently going through this completely wiped out a four year close relationship everyday together , constantly patenting , living, being together, attending aa meetings. Wiped out like a eraser on a white board . She hooked up with ex husband and his new wife who had no interest in either of us other than the ex husband hating me never ending for stealing his BPD wife . I had made amends to this man and I was extra good to his child. But he has wanted his revenge even though he has a new life an a new wife.? So she buddy up with them and her old friends who turned there back on her when we got together? Also she had some dangler friends I never really knew that shed get co signed from. She would tell these friends I don't even know all these lies about me during her episodes? Anyway I'm just a person she hates now and I am not even human I feel? But I am working through it. I was very hurt at Christmas time when she decided to do all this really messed up timing? But hey they do the things that no one else would ever do? Who cares If they hurt you, smear your name, act like you don't exist or even were worth their time? I still find myself just being kind in my heart and saying " I feel bad she lives like this and can't do things from a kinder place?" But if you would ask her I was a monster!

[JRT]

Is there any chance that the the outward appearance(s) are just for show? I mean, we ALL do this in a breakup especially if we know that our ex will be seeing us on social media and otherwise so we paint a picture that we are not only ok, but doing exponentially better than they were in the relationship.

If they are truly BPD, then one can assume that a b/u does not make them a better person or more happy, at least not in the long run. The psychological wounds that establish their illness in the first place do not go away via a breakup... .matter of fact, I would speculate that the breakup further complicates their condition.

[CloseToFreedom]

Is there any chance that the the outward appearance(s) are just for show? I mean, we ALL do this in a breakup especially if we know that our ex will be seeing us on social media and otherwise so we paint a picture that we are not only ok, but doing exponentially better than they were in the relationship.

If they are truly BPD, then one can assume that a b/u does not make them a better person or more happy, at least not in the long run. The psychological wounds that establish their illness in the first place do not go away via a breakup... .matter of fact, I would speculate that the breakup further complicates their condition.

Of course it is for show. My ex found a random dude she's with now and within the first day she's claiming to be in love. She posts selfies of herself almost each day, to get more supply. They feel the dissapearance of the comfort and security of the relationship and they need to fill it up with something else.

They are not working on becoming a better person. We are working on that, by reflecting, posting on this forum, going to therapy, staying single for a while. We are trying to become a better person, so that we have boundaries next time a new lover comes around and so that we won't let a bad relationship let us act out worse.

[Hadlee]

Is there any chance that the the outward appearance(s) are just for show? I mean, we ALL do this in a breakup especially if we know that our ex will be seeing us on social media and otherwise so we paint a picture that we are not only ok, but doing exponentially better than they were in the relationship.

If they are truly BPD, then one can assume that a b/u does not make them a better person or more happy, at least not in the long run. The psychological wounds that establish their illness in the first place do not go away via a breakup... .matter of fact, I would speculate that the breakup further complicates their condition.

I would agree with this.  My BPD friend has not improved in any way since her recent break up.  In fact, she looks worse than before.  According to her exbf, she is now going out and about when she refused to socialize as a couple for the last couple of years they were together.  He is peeved at that because her excuse to him was that she couldn't go out due to anxiety - but now she can.  I have seen her out once and she is not happy AT ALL!  So I would say it's definitely a front!

[christin5433]

I was unfriended within first week of b/u . I deactivated my FB . I wasn't going to get involved with this social media competition. I felt already huge humiliation I really couldn't endure more. To be honest I don't know if they have any feelings that may be similar to a regular person ? From what I hear they just find another host. I hear they play victim and and get validation. I really don't know how there brain works I have tried to understand and help out occasionally. But the fact is its her stuff. She's messed me up and that's my fact. I'm grieving and I want to just stay under the radar. Until I work through my issues.  

[willtimeheal]

Mine started seeing my replacement before she left me. At the time she was severely depressed and didn't want to do anything. After the break up she became a different person... .telling me and others how happy she is. Then she got a dwi but continued to post and tell the world how happy she is. She text me before the holidays thanking me for our six years together and how during that time it helped her become the person she is now and how the time with me helped Her reach the happy place she is at now. I never responded.

Maybe her life is going well maybe it isn't. I don't care. All I know  is my life has improved 100% since the break up.  It took me a while to get here and I still struggle but I am getting there. When I first started dating her she used to tell me all the same things she is posting and telling others now so Is there truth to it... .who knows and who cares. She is disordered... .It will crash it always does.

[christin5433]

Also I believe what ever their front Is its not a surprise to me If one can behave like this how can you question anything ? Even if it is a front does it matter? It's impossible to know? I know BPD's are mirroring whatever they may need. It's not that deep. They are emotionally a child. So expect your dealing with a child not a adult

[JRT]

Mine started seeing my replacement before she left me. At the time she was severely depressed and didn't want to do anything. After the break up she became a different person... .telling me and others how happy she is. Then she got a dwi but continued to post and tell the world how happy she is. She text me before the holidays thanking me for our six years together and how during that time it helped her become the person she is now and how the time with me helped Her reach the happy place she is at now. I never responded.

Maybe her life is going well maybe it isn't. I don't care. All I know  is my life has improved 100% since the break up.  It took me a while to get here and I still struggle but I am getting there. When I first started dating her she used to tell me all the same things she is posting and telling others now so Is there truth to it... .who knows and who cares. She is disordered... .It will crash it always does.

She got a DUI-her life is NOT going well... .she called you to thank you for the 6 years- her life is not going well, she is ruminating on her decision and having remorse.

[JRT]

I was unfriended within first week of b/u . I deactivated my FB . I wasn't going to get involved with this social media competition. I felt already huge humiliation I really couldn't endure more. To be honest I don't know if they have any feelings that may be similar to a regular person ? From what I hear they just find another host. I hear they play victim and and get validation. I really don't know how there brain works I have tried to understand and help out occasionally. But the fact is its her stuff. She's messed me up and that's my fact. I'm grieving and I want to just stay under the radar. Until I work through my issues.  

How long has it been since your b/u?

[christin5433]

From what I hear we all get replaced quick. I'm staying out of relationships for a good year. Unless I meet a special kind person ... .Other than that I'm not looking I need to heal and work on my damaged self. I think we become more broken.

[christin5433]

Dec 19 around ? There was so much crazy happening and impulsive behavior . All I could think is its the holidays?

[hope2727]

Yup but looks are deceiving. Mine has lost weight and is posting happy pics. But in reality he looks jaundiced (drinking to much by his own admission) his eyes are hollow and dark circled, he is chain smoking and broke. He looks like poop in truth.

They have to justify how right they were to leave us. If we weren't the problem it must be them and it just CAN"T be them after all. So chin up. We may gain weight, cry and grieve but we will learn and heal. They may if they really get motivated but its unlikely. 

[JRT]

Dec 19 around ? There was so much crazy happening and impulsive behavior . All I could think is its the holidays?

It could have been a trigger... .mine was that her 18 year old son moved out (abandonment)... .then I went on a biz trip (abandonment) on top of the stress of a her new life living with someone... .ther eis usually something that forces the hand

[christin5433]

Yes mine had a trigger it was at thanksgiving. My BPD's ex husband who had been lingering around trying to trigger her disguising it as if it was co parenting . He turned me into the child protective dept. Called DHS my step daughter who had maybe BPD/ADHD got crazy on me while I tried to turn off computer while she bad mouth me. She's 11. She fell off computer chair during her absurd behavior and got a little mark on her chest from our kitchen bench. Days went by and this ex husband told authorities on me. I have never lifted a finger on his child. This triggered my BPD but I wasn't being attentive to her needs I was too consumed in my own anger . So the ball went rolling ? She turned on me. I was sick to my stomach . I emotionally knew she was not thinking right and I had no control of her consequences. I didn't care.

Yours sounds like a walking mess maybe mine is too. I don't know ? I'm have no interest watching there new life transform . I'd stop watching the show . They want attention .

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this... .yeah, that was really unfair. Mine had a mouthy son that was entirely out of control. It really complicated things.

[Maternus]

Mine thrived in the weeks before the breakup. She already had an affair with my replacement. After she told me it's over, I broke down and she had a phone call with her mom, told her enthusiastically about a a musical event at her workplace and how great she feels, than they joked and she laughed. After that she turned to me and said "I can laugh again at last."   

[Trog]

Mine thrived in the weeks before the breakup. She already had an affair with my replacement. After she told me it's over, I broke down and she had a phone call with her mom, told her enthusiastically about a a musical event at her workplace and how great she feels, than they joked and she laughed. After that she turned to me and said "I can laugh again at last."   

Nice. I don't understand that when they are doing the dumping the also want to twist the knife. I dumped mine, but she hurt me and then twist the knife in other situations again and again. Its like they smell blood. IMO normal people, when they see an upset person or have upset a person, will apologise and comfort the other person. Not my ex. She seemed to revel and gain energy from hurting people. 

[JRT]

Good point... .this is someone that she CARED about after all... .its one thing to dump them but something entirely different to denigrate them. Its like murdering someone and then shooting holes into them even though they are already dead... .its sickening.

[Maternus]

Nice. I don't understand that when they are doing the dumping the also want to twist the knife. I dumped mine, but she hurt me and then twist the knife in other situations again and again. Its like they smell blood. IMO normal people, when they see an upset person or have upset a person, will apologise and comfort the other person. Not my ex. She seemed to revel and gain energy from hurting people. 

I think mine wanted to hurt me because she needed me to be angry. She told me on the day of our breakup "You'll be angry one day. You will hate me." I never was angry, I was sad, half dead, numb. Her attempts to provoke my anger got meaner in the aftermath of our relationship, but I never lost my temper. The day I moved out she put a filthy blanket between my stuff that wasn't mine. I told her that was not my blanket, but she insisted that it was mine. I said "When it is not yours, throw it away." She said "F... .you" went out to the removal van and stuffed the blanket into the box with my bedclothes. This was short before my moving out was finished, her last chance to make me angry. I answered ":)id you really said this to me?". No answer. That was the last words we ever exchanged.  

[JRT]

I can see the 'logic'... .I have read there that part of the splitting process results in them seeing you according to your last interaction. You being angry at her might have allowed her to cope better and justify her actions as opposed to thoughts of how hurt you looked and how calm you were.

[Maternus]

I can see the 'logic'... .I have read there that part of the splitting process results in them seeing you according to your last interaction. You being angry at her might have allowed her to cope better and justify her actions as opposed to thoughts of how hurt you looked and how calm you were.

I have read something similar. It's easier for them to break up when it happens in anger. Anger and hate are strong feelings, like love. They can not feel the gray area of emotions between love and hate, it always has to be black or white.

[JRT]

on recycles, my ex would try to suck me into angry exchanges but I always held my ground and wouldn't get pulled into the vortex. It always worked and she calmed down. It was at the phone call stage before meeting after the b/u. Her thinking was SO preposterous that I almost felt like she was giving the b/e one last attempt.

[hope2727]

I can see the 'logic'... .I have read there that part of the splitting process results in them seeing you according to your last interaction. You being angry at her might have allowed her to cope better and justify her actions as opposed to thoughts of how hurt you looked and how calm you were.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks. It kind of explains why they need us to react.

[Inside]

Keep in mind that while they may appear to be thriving, they are no better off ( mentally or emotionally) than they were with us.  Remember, they were just like that with us in the beginning.  Once they conquer and acquire us, they use us and then dispose of us without any remorse.  They leave a path of destruction behind them for everyone else to clean up and they don't care.

It does hurt a bit to know that we meant nothing to them other than being a machine that strokes their ego and nurtures their basic needs.  But, that's just how it is.

Well put…  

I’ve made a point to avoid whatever or whomever my uBPDx has moved onto after me.  I can’t care.  But from all I’d learned, no r/s will ever work for her - period.  It doesn't matter how wonderful anything appears, there’s a wall in her future that she has never, nor will ever get beyond.  

But for her own psychological survival she must put forth the illusion that she’s ‘now in a better place.’  I know better.  And though still recovering - I am recovering, learning & growing, and will use this experience to recognize and appreciate a genuine healthy human being deserving of my love and loyalty.  The same will forever elude my BPDx.

[Inside]

They are not working on becoming a better person. We are working on that, by reflecting, posting on this forum, going to therapy, staying single for a while. We are trying to become a better person, so that we have boundaries next time a new lover comes around and so that we won't let a bad relationship let us act out worse.

Right on

[lipstick]

Mine wants his FB world to believe he's thriving. After presenting this question to other members on this forum - I'm pretty much convinced he's just "fronting". Putting on a front trying to convince everyone (including himself) that his life & marriage are just the most awesome of awesome.

Funny - most happy couples that I know are off enjoying life and each other. He spends his "down time" posting on FB. Well - his down time and work time and out to dinner time and, well, you get it... .ALL of his time.   

[christin5433]

It's so good to be reading and discussing this stuff with others who relate to this madness. I read and I get it. I understand even though different scenarios. The fact is we get bullied is the word I would always use to explain her behavior but if you seen and spoke with her you would think she is normal. It's interpersonal relationships that they struggle with. When I'd explain my situations my closest friends sometimes thought I was exaggerating... .Until I'd read her texts then they understood I was dealing with a emotionally immature person. If I talk about my ex in this manner no one would believe me ? She'd be much better at her manipulative talks about me to others because she would straight up lie calling me controlling and manipulative ? Because I had a opinion or wanted to get along? They need drama , chaos In order to distract from seeing themselves , 

[enlighten me]

Its not only after the break up they thrive. If my exgf went somewhere with the kids but without me I would ask her if they had a nice time to which the reply was always amazing. I has my otger sons one day and we went off without her. We had a really great time. Lots of laughs, junk food and general fun. She asked me how it was and I said fantastic. Her reply was theres no need to exagerate you only went out with your boys!

They always have to potray perfection or great hardship. The school run is never bland. Its either a life or death struggle with the evil motorists or a fantasy adventure where so much fun happened.

[jhkbuzz]

If they are truly BPD, then one can assume that a b/u does not make them a better person or more happy, at least not in the long run. The psychological wounds that establish their illness in the first place do not go away via a breakup... .matter of fact, I would speculate that the breakup further complicates their condition.

Yup ^

[Ezra]

I defintely feel worse after looking at her social media, its just hard to detatch since i never saw any of this coming. I had a realisation this morning though, shes just not normal - normal people dont go around ruining other people and making sure they suffer even more. Even if she was done with the relationship, its still not normal to not even grieve for the loss of six years with someone and not care how much pain they have inflicted. I assume she is throwing herself into the weight loss as a way to keep herself focused on somethinge else. She hasnt found a replacement yet but thats not without trying, shes on every single dating app around.

The things she has said to me post break up are just disgusting, so evil in nature and mean. i dont know who she is anymore and its just so sad how many years i spent with someone i didnt even know. Very frustrating seeing her doing so well and being someone i wouldve loved to have been with all along - but im sure this is a front and the real person will come back in time. I havent seen her be this person in the six years i knew her.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I defintely feel worse after looking at her social media, its just hard to detatch since i never saw any of this coming. I had a realisation this morning though, shes just not normal - normal people dont go around ruining other people and making sure they suffer even more. Even if she was done with the relationship, its still not normal to not even grieve for the loss of six years with someone and not care how much pain they have inflicted. I assume she is throwing herself into the weight loss as a way to keep herself focused on somethinge else. She hasnt found a replacement yet but thats not without trying, shes on every single dating app around.

The things she has said to me post break up are just disgusting, so evil in nature and mean. i dont know who she is anymore and its just so sad how many years i spent with someone i didnt even know. Very frustrating seeing her doing so well and being someone i wouldve loved to have been with all along - but im sure this is a front and the real person will come back in time. I havent seen her be this person in the six years i knew her.

Mine exactly just tack on 3.5 more years. There's some Narcissism in there too. She changed so drastically since she went to her current job 6 years ago. Only changed dramatically into a vitriolic so and so startling last February. Would have been nice to know what set her off tho I have my suspicions.

[Infared]

Mine thrived in the weeks before the breakup. She already had an affair with my replacement. After she told me it's over, I broke down and she had a phone call with her mom, told her enthusiastically about a a musical event at her workplace and how great she feels, than they joked and she laughed. After that she turned to me and said "I can laugh again at last."  

Nice. I don't understand that when they are doing the dumping the also want to twist the knife. I dumped mine, but she hurt me and then twist the knife in other situations again and again. Its like they smell blood. IMO normal people, when they see an upset person or have upset a person, will apologise and comfort the other person. Not my ex. She seemed to revel and gain energy from hurting people.  

That was EXACTLY my experience!

[Infern0]

Nope.

For about the first month she put on the act of everything being fantastic but tbh there were already signs of major problems.

Being as she cheated on my replacement with me I got to look under the hood of their relationship and it's carnage.  No sex,  she's cheating,  fights,  hospital visits,  she's lost her job so they are broke and have bills owing etc.


She's worse off now than with me,  our relationship had problems but I honestly think her current one is going to end with one of them suiciding

[Perfidy]

Ok, I'll contribute.

   Yes. She is thriving. When we were together she wouldn't get off meth. She wouldn't work. She was a nothing and a nobody. She did not mainstream.

   Now, she's with someone more compatible. She's off meth. She has a job.

   To me, this is her own personal growth. I'm happy that she is happy. I hope that she is well throughout her lifetime. I'm happy for her.

   She couldn't achieve success with me because I gave her everything. 

[ScotisGone74]

She s "thriving" alright, on facebook and all around any friends the replacement has.     Glad to be alive and out of Oz.   

[christin5433]

It's funny they thrive. After they destroy the one that stood by and accepted their flaws . Even helped them to become a better person ? I am currently out of this messed up life and I went to a aa meeting today and everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok? And a friend told me my ex is concerned if I'm ok? What a joke? She's concerned after her total break up from hell? A b/u out of know with a highly dramatic exit with a smear campaign and she shows others she is being compassionate ? She never showed me compassion unless I coached her.

I want and wish for all of us to get to a place where no one cares they thrive. How they come out smelling like a dozen roses is all bs. It is a inside job to get better not a outside job! Truth is keep working on yourself , keep a low profile , and don't watch there show of success . It's all bs the new friends the new replacement r/s and it really doesn't matter. Be free by not caring.

[willy45]

Dude.

I've been where are you. Trust me man. I'm a three year veteran of a textbook BPD breakup.

For months after she found her new man, I thought it was me. I was the problem. She had this amazing life and I was just left depressed and hardly able to cope. Seriously. Trust me 100%. I've been there.

Fast forward three years. I just met up with her last week. I knew her new guy had left about 8 months back (out of the blue like I did... .her words). I knew she was having a hard time. But dude. I had no idea just how bad. She is being forced out of her job by her boss who is putting her on probation for inappropriate behaviour, she got kicked out the house she was living in, she basically broke, she looks super old for her age, she cries all the time, she's angry, ostracized her niece (whom she was very close to), is on the outs with her Dad that she tried to mend 8 years ago (although she didn't tell me details... .only shot me a look when I asked how he was doing and she told me she didn't want to talk about it), freaks out upon any inquiry as to why she was wanting to spend so much time with me, is finally in therapy, is having an 'existential crisis' (whatever that means... .something about not knowing why she is on the planet and what her purpose is, the nature of human misery and if it is worth living). She told me she is just doing an experiment right now to see if she can get through it all and get to the other side but that catastrophe was around every corner.

Not so great, huh? I'm not happy about this. I'm confused as all h*ll in a way, but also not. Everything that I tried to talk to her about when we were together, is all surfacing now. She can't contain it anymore. The mask she wears is cracking all over the place, in every area of her life, and even physically. Her face is  full of wrinkles and she's only 35.

So, listen man. I know what you are going through. You are idealizing this person and blaming yourself. I've been there buddy. For months and months. It sucks. But you can get through this. Your ex will likely not be thinking anything is wrong with her. She probably thinks its was all you. And you, like a confused, dizzy person, are likely right now thinking the same thing. But... .here's the thing. It has NOTHING to do with her. She hasn't changed. She is the same person you knew. You know more about her than whatever self she is curating on social media.

Here's my suggestions: Block her from everything. Don't look for her. Stop checking in. It will only serve to make you think its all you. Don't do it. Avoid it like it is toxic poison, because it is. Focus on yourself. Despite being depressed as all get down, start something. Anything. Get fit. Start a hobby. Start a business. Plan a trip. Whatever. Do it. Even if it doesn't feel good. Even if you are still depressed before, during and after. Do it. The choices you make now will determine where you end up in a year, two years, three years. And trust me man, as time goes on and you focus on yourself, you will flourish. You have that choice. She, sadly, does not. She will repeat the same cycles over and over and over again. Get off the crazy train. You have a choice.

I did that. My mantra was 'What I choose now will determine what happens later'. I told myself that every day. And I started stuff. Got fit (now have a six pack at 40). Started a business (I'm now wealthy). Started a hobby (now play guitar and paint). Did a bunch of non-profit work (am now famous in a certain, powerful, non-profit circle). I started all this stuff in the absolute worst depression of my life. In the exact same place you are now. Exactly. And now, three years later, I compare my life to hers. And holy cow... .She's still all nuts. She actually worse than when I left her (or maybe the same... .maybe I just didn't notice how bad she was before).

Does it make me feel better to know she is struggling? Nope. I actually feel bad for her. She literally has no idea why 'life is kicking her in the teeth (her words)'. She doesn't understand why everyone is 'crazy' around her. She thinks she has a 'fatal flaw' but has absolutely no idea what that is. Really. It's sad. She is trying really hard to understand. But just can't. She does not have that capacity. She ill. It's like she has body part missing. She can not understand at all why people around her get angry by her behavior. She just thinks everyone around her crazy! No capacity to understand her part in it, own it, learn from it, and fix it. Where she ends up, I have no idea. But, not my problem.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. I know it sucks man. You can't control her. And dude. Why would you want to? You can only control yourself. And despite how you feel, you can still function. You can still make choices. Do some rad ___! Get on it! You got this!

[letmeout]

Mine thrived, then dived.

Its sad how they try to come crawling back when nothing is working for them. I believe my BPDex thinks that since I was able to put up with his behavior for so many years that I am willing to do it again.

No thanks, I learned my lesson well. Take heed to the advice on this forum to maintain no contact and never ever go back to that kind of special hell.

[Infared]

I defintely feel worse after looking at her social media, its just hard to detatch since i never saw any of this coming. I had a realisation this morning though, shes just not normal - normal people dont go around ruining other people and making sure they suffer even more. Even if she was done with the relationship, its still not normal to not even grieve for the loss of six years with someone and not care how much pain they have inflicted. I assume she is throwing herself into the weight loss as a way to keep herself focused on somethinge else. She hasnt found a replacement yet but thats not without trying, shes on every single dating app around.

The things she has said to me post break up are just disgusting, so evil in nature and mean. i dont know who she is anymore and its just so sad how many years i spent with someone i didnt even know. Very frustrating seeing her doing so well and being someone i wouldve loved to have been with all along - but im sure this is a front and the real person will come back in time. I havent seen her be this person in the six years i knew her.

Ezra... .

I saw signs of who she turned out to be when I first met her.  ... but once she started mirroring me I just forgave her for any of those behaviors directed at others... I never thought it would be me.   She showed no signs of being an abusive person toward me while we were together... .but then she just turned into someone that I did not know who was cruel and abusive to me. Kind of psycho. (She was with someone else and lying about it... .I was clueless)

I was extremely hurt and confused... .but she was getting enjoyment out of causing me emotional pain. It was pretty sick.

I think that you are making healthy choices, consulting a professional and attending to your depression. Not where you want to be... .but you are facing your completely understandable pain. It hurts like hell and there are not any sensible answers.

If your situation is like mine... .just focus on you. Do not go toward her for anything... you will be laughed at, ridiculed and abused. I know it makes no sense... .but just see the situation for what it is as best you can and focus on choices that help YOU. Most of us have been through what you are going through. It makes no sense... but just take baby steps and keep moving forward.

I feel for you and understand your pain.

[christin5433]

Such good advice. Stay off social media lay low from all common places keep a NC rule and figure out who the heck you are w/o abusive behavior . Mine too seem to enjoy hurting me. I never got the understanding of her joy in it? The kids would just ignore her ways towards me. I'd just chalk it up to she has BPD and she's doing the best she can. Now it's over and the b/u was beyond bad even though I didn't even fight her? Was she fighting herself I ask? Who was she enraged with ? I just watched her split black right in front of me for 2 weeks straight . I know she blamed everything on me things that were not even worth arguing over but she insisted she needed me to change in every way ? I just said "no" I'm not gonna change this time.

Now post holiday b/u and not committing suicide myself I am in a fog daily but I'm going through this w/o NC and no social media no running into her. Just staying under the abuse radar . I feel that's truely the first step towards detaching . Fog and all I do feel like I'm learning peace inside . Them thriving is not gonna help me to watch and know all about . That would just be more joy for her.

[2014]

I absolutely loved this post and this is exactly what i needed to read. THANK YOU SIR 

Dude.

I've been where are you. Trust me man. I'm a three year veteran of a textbook BPD breakup.

For months after she found her new man, I thought it was me. I was the problem. She had this amazing life and I was just left depressed and hardly able to cope. Seriously. Trust me 100%. I've been there.

Fast forward three years. I just met up with her last week. I knew her new guy had left about 8 months back (out of the blue like I did... .her words). I knew she was having a hard time. But dude. I had no idea just how bad. She is being forced out of her job by her boss who is putting her on probation for inappropriate behaviour, she got kicked out the house she was living in, she basically broke, she looks super old for her age, she cries all the time, she's angry, ostracized her niece (whom she was very close to), is on the outs with her Dad that she tried to mend 8 years ago (although she didn't tell me details... .only shot me a look when I asked how he was doing and she told me she didn't want to talk about it), freaks out upon any inquiry as to why she was wanting to spend so much time with me, is finally in therapy, is having an 'existential crisis' (whatever that means... .something about not knowing why she is on the planet and what her purpose is, the nature of human misery and if it is worth living). She told me she is just doing an experiment right now to see if she can get through it all and get to the other side but that catastrophe was around every corner.

Not so great, huh? I'm not happy about this. I'm confused as all h*ll in a way, but also not. Everything that I tried to talk to her about when we were together, is all surfacing now. She can't contain it anymore. The mask she wears is cracking all over the place, in every area of her life, and even physically. Her face is  full of wrinkles and she's only 35.

So, listen man. I know what you are going through. You are idealizing this person and blaming yourself. I've been there buddy. For months and months. It sucks. But you can get through this. Your ex will likely not be thinking anything is wrong with her. She probably thinks its was all you. And you, like a confused, dizzy person, are likely right now thinking the same thing. But... .here's the thing. It has NOTHING to do with her. She hasn't changed. She is the same person you knew. You know more about her than whatever self she is curating on social media.

Here's my suggestions: Block her from everything. Don't look for her. Stop checking in. It will only serve to make you think its all you. Don't do it. Avoid it like it is toxic poison, because it is. Focus on yourself. Despite being depressed as all get down, start something. Anything. Get fit. Start a hobby. Start a business. Plan a trip. Whatever. Do it. Even if it doesn't feel good. Even if you are still depressed before, during and after. Do it. The choices you make now will determine where you end up in a year, two years, three years. And trust me man, as time goes on and you focus on yourself, you will flourish. You have that choice. She, sadly, does not. She will repeat the same cycles over and over and over again. Get off the crazy train. You have a choice.

I did that. My mantra was 'What I choose now will determine what happens later'. I told myself that every day. And I started stuff. Got fit (now have a six pack at 40). Started a business (I'm now wealthy). Started a hobby (now play guitar and paint). Did a bunch of non-profit work (am now famous in a certain, powerful, non-profit circle). I started all this stuff in the absolute worst depression of my life. In the exact same place you are now. Exactly. And now, three years later, I compare my life to hers. And holy cow... .She's still all nuts. She actually worse than when I left her (or maybe the same... .maybe I just didn't notice how bad she was before).

Does it make me feel better to know she is struggling? Nope. I actually feel bad for her. She literally has no idea why 'life is kicking her in the teeth (her words)'. She doesn't understand why everyone is 'crazy' around her. She thinks she has a 'fatal flaw' but has absolutely no idea what that is. Really. It's sad. She is trying really hard to understand. But just can't. She does not have that capacity. She ill. It's like she has body part missing. She can not understand at all why people around her get angry by her behavior. She just thinks everyone around her crazy! No capacity to understand her part in it, own it, learn from it, and fix it. Where she ends up, I have no idea. But, not my problem.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. I know it sucks man. You can't control her. And dude. Why would you want to? You can only control yourself. And despite how you feel, you can still function. You can still make choices. Do some rad ___! Get on it! You got this!

[parisian]

It depends what you define 'thrive' as.

Mine continued on as if nothing had ever happened after our b/u. Social media is a very poor barometer to measure this, because we all know they will only post things about how great their life is, and how many fun things they are doing.

Mine started going out drinking more (well you can't get a replacement staying home!). She already had drinking problems when she was with me (I don't drink much), so heck, just drink some more, that will fix everything.

Living life at 1,000 miles an hour as she always does, but a bit faster now because she's got no one to be her weekend object like I was (or maybe she has).

It doesn't really matter. I hope she is happy but what she does with her life now is no longer my concern or my care or my business .

The most important thing is for me to thrive. And yes, I'm getting there. Much easier now without her

[christin5433]

Yes it's time for us to thrive at least now we have a chance now and I'm not a object so that's also a way to thrive . A object is not alive .

[Ezra]

I cant even begin to describe how amazing these words are, thankyou thankyou 

Dude.

I've been where are you. Trust me man. I'm a three year veteran of a textbook BPD breakup.

For months after she found her new man, I thought it was me. I was the problem. She had this amazing life and I was just left depressed and hardly able to cope. Seriously. Trust me 100%. I've been there.

Fast forward three years. I just met up with her last week. I knew her new guy had left about 8 months back (out of the blue like I did... .her words). I knew she was having a hard time. But dude. I had no idea just how bad. She is being forced out of her job by her boss who is putting her on probation for inappropriate behaviour, she got kicked out the house she was living in, she basically broke, she looks super old for her age, she cries all the time, she's angry, ostracized her niece (whom she was very close to), is on the outs with her Dad that she tried to mend 8 years ago (although she didn't tell me details... .only shot me a look when I asked how he was doing and she told me she didn't want to talk about it), freaks out upon any inquiry as to why she was wanting to spend so much time with me, is finally in therapy, is having an 'existential crisis' (whatever that means... .something about not knowing why she is on the planet and what her purpose is, the nature of human misery and if it is worth living). She told me she is just doing an experiment right now to see if she can get through it all and get to the other side but that catastrophe was around every corner.

Not so great, huh? I'm not happy about this. I'm confused as all h*ll in a way, but also not. Everything that I tried to talk to her about when we were together, is all surfacing now. She can't contain it anymore. The mask she wears is cracking all over the place, in every area of her life, and even physically. Her face is  full of wrinkles and she's only 35.

So, listen man. I know what you are going through. You are idealizing this person and blaming yourself. I've been there buddy. For months and months. It sucks. But you can get through this. Your ex will likely not be thinking anything is wrong with her. She probably thinks its was all you. And you, like a confused, dizzy person, are likely right now thinking the same thing. But... .here's the thing. It has NOTHING to do with her. She hasn't changed. She is the same person you knew. You know more about her than whatever self she is curating on social media.

Here's my suggestions: Block her from everything. Don't look for her. Stop checking in. It will only serve to make you think its all you. Don't do it. Avoid it like it is toxic poison, because it is. Focus on yourself. Despite being depressed as all get down, start something. Anything. Get fit. Start a hobby. Start a business. Plan a trip. Whatever. Do it. Even if it doesn't feel good. Even if you are still depressed before, during and after. Do it. The choices you make now will determine where you end up in a year, two years, three years. And trust me man, as time goes on and you focus on yourself, you will flourish. You have that choice. She, sadly, does not. She will repeat the same cycles over and over and over again. Get off the crazy train. You have a choice.

I did that. My mantra was 'What I choose now will determine what happens later'. I told myself that every day. And I started stuff. Got fit (now have a six pack at 40). Started a business (I'm now wealthy). Started a hobby (now play guitar and paint). Did a bunch of non-profit work (am now famous in a certain, powerful, non-profit circle). I started all this stuff in the absolute worst depression of my life. In the exact same place you are now. Exactly. And now, three years later, I compare my life to hers. And holy cow... .She's still all nuts. She actually worse than when I left her (or maybe the same... .maybe I just didn't notice how bad she was before).

Does it make me feel better to know she is struggling? Nope. I actually feel bad for her. She literally has no idea why 'life is kicking her in the teeth (her words)'. She doesn't understand why everyone is 'crazy' around her. She thinks she has a 'fatal flaw' but has absolutely no idea what that is. Really. It's sad. She is trying really hard to understand. But just can't. She does not have that capacity. She ill. It's like she has body part missing. She can not understand at all why people around her get angry by her behavior. She just thinks everyone around her crazy! No capacity to understand her part in it, own it, learn from it, and fix it. Where she ends up, I have no idea. But, not my problem.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. I know it sucks man. You can't control her. And dude. Why would you want to? You can only control yourself. And despite how you feel, you can still function. You can still make choices. Do some rad ___! Get on it! You got this!

[sirensong65]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My dBPDxfiance has not thrived since our split 7 months ago.  Initially she went on an MDMA and drinking binge that lasted three weeks.  She is 31 and was hanging out with 22 year old college kids and partying harder than them (i.e. more substance abuse).  She put up a front on FB about her great new life and a "perfect" new relationship she found 17 days after leaving a 25 month r/s.  Behind the scenes she was falling apart the whole time.  She quickly poisoned the new r/s and it imploded 4 months later.  Then again she moved in with the guy after one meal.  I think he saw an easy rebound mark, got his ride in, and got out.  After that dumping she went even nuttier, missing work because she can't stop crying on the job.  She is a mess.  She is fishing for new sources but lord knows that no new person can fill the holes in her soul.

So initially she put on a good front of thriving but she has been in a downward spiral for 7 months since the split.  She is struggling to function with going to work everyday.  Constant sickness and what not. 

[Leaving]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

Siren,

I can relate to how you feel right now.  I'm 53 and having to start over after being married to BPD husband.  I'm very tapped out and I have PTSD from the many years of almost daily drama trauma.  Don't put pressure on yourself by thinking of new relationships.  If it happens, it happens.  However, don't isolate yourself and avoid new opportunities for friendships and social activities. It's important to replace the past with new experiences- that's how we heal our wounds.  I was completely isolated from all family and friends for the last 6 years.  I felt completely pathetic and invisible to the world and had I died, I really don't think anyone would have known.

Journaling saved me from losing my sanity.  I highly recommend that you journal daily.  Do you have a counselor that you can talk to about the anger and panic you feel around men?

[Infared]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

Siren... .you are me in female form! LOL

I am way farther out than you from my BPD debacle... I am also older.I got into one 9-month relationship which I ended. The person was not trustworthy (for starters she had cheated on her husband), and I learned during the relationship that I am not going to trust a woman with my heart again. No way. We did let some time go by and are now, very friendly and forgiving to one another.  Like two adults... .(In stark contrast to my 5-year BPD outing). I just do not have another one in me. I'm done with that crazy nonsense. It just is it worth the pain for "me". Life is just so much more peaceful without all the drama.

I do have a life, with lots of friends, work, passionate hobbies and I do take care of myself (healthy self-love)... eat right, stay in reasonably good shape, etc.

It's funny... .I am totally committed to my singularity... .and I get proof all the time how whacky it is "out there".

I have been asked "my status". Where I state:

"You asked... .now... .I am going to tell you my straight-up answer... .ready?" To which they  always say "yes". ... .so I continue with: "I am done. I do not date anymore as I have had a rough go of it,  so I am committed to being single and enjoying life from that perspective. So my status is 'Unavailable'". Pretty clear, HUH?

What these women hear me say is "I am single, and I would be very interested in dating you"? (I am basing that on all the actions from them after our "talk", which is too much to get into here). I find it to be HYSTERICAL!

It gives me comfort in my decision.  ... .because they did not hear a word that I said after they ask me a question... .and I paused, looked them in the eye and was VERY clear with my response... .Not a jerk... .just firm... .they asked (and I know why), so I wanted to be clear and direct.  Kind of hard to have a relationship with adults that act like that... .Communication is very important in any relationship, romantic or otherwise... .life is funny. It just confirms my choice. Life is not perfect... .I get lonely occasionally... .but... .ahhhhhhh... .it is oh so peaceful.

[oortcloud]

Dude.

I've been where are you. Trust me man. I'm a three year veteran of a textbook BPD breakup.

For months after she found her new man, I thought it was me. I was the problem. She had this amazing life and I was just left depressed and hardly able to cope. Seriously. Trust me 100%. I've been there.

Fast forward three years. I just met up with her last week. I knew her new guy had left about 8 months back (out of the blue like I did... .her words). I knew she was having a hard time. But dude. I had no idea just how bad. She is being forced out of her job by her boss who is putting her on probation for inappropriate behaviour, she got kicked out the house she was living in, she basically broke, she looks super old for her age, she cries all the time, she's angry, ostracized her niece (whom she was very close to), is on the outs with her Dad that she tried to mend 8 years ago (although she didn't tell me details... .only shot me a look when I asked how he was doing and she told me she didn't want to talk about it), freaks out upon any inquiry as to why she was wanting to spend so much time with me, is finally in therapy, is having an 'existential crisis' (whatever that means... .something about not knowing why she is on the planet and what her purpose is, the nature of human misery and if it is worth living). She told me she is just doing an experiment right now to see if she can get through it all and get to the other side but that catastrophe was around every corner.

Not so great, huh? I'm not happy about this. I'm confused as all h*ll in a way, but also not. Everything that I tried to talk to her about when we were together, is all surfacing now. She can't contain it anymore. The mask she wears is cracking all over the place, in every area of her life, and even physically. Her face is  full of wrinkles and she's only 35.

So, listen man. I know what you are going through. You are idealizing this person and blaming yourself. I've been there buddy. For months and months. It sucks. But you can get through this. Your ex will likely not be thinking anything is wrong with her. She probably thinks its was all you. And you, like a confused, dizzy person, are likely right now thinking the same thing. But... .here's the thing. It has NOTHING to do with her. She hasn't changed. She is the same person you knew. You know more about her than whatever self she is curating on social media.

Here's my suggestions: Block her from everything. Don't look for her. Stop checking in. It will only serve to make you think its all you. Don't do it. Avoid it like it is toxic poison, because it is. Focus on yourself. Despite being depressed as all get down, start something. Anything. Get fit. Start a hobby. Start a business. Plan a trip. Whatever. Do it. Even if it doesn't feel good. Even if you are still depressed before, during and after. Do it. The choices you make now will determine where you end up in a year, two years, three years. And trust me man, as time goes on and you focus on yourself, you will flourish. You have that choice. She, sadly, does not. She will repeat the same cycles over and over and over again. Get off the crazy train. You have a choice.

I did that. My mantra was 'What I choose now will determine what happens later'. I told myself that every day. And I started stuff. Got fit (now have a six pack at 40). Started a business (I'm now wealthy). Started a hobby (now play guitar and paint). Did a bunch of non-profit work (am now famous in a certain, powerful, non-profit circle). I started all this stuff in the absolute worst depression of my life. In the exact same place you are now. Exactly. And now, three years later, I compare my life to hers. And holy cow... .She's still all nuts. She actually worse than when I left her (or maybe the same... .maybe I just didn't notice how bad she was before).

Does it make me feel better to know she is struggling? Nope. I actually feel bad for her. She literally has no idea why 'life is kicking her in the teeth (her words)'. She doesn't understand why everyone is 'crazy' around her. She thinks she has a 'fatal flaw' but has absolutely no idea what that is. Really. It's sad. She is trying really hard to understand. But just can't. She does not have that capacity. She ill. It's like she has body part missing. She can not understand at all why people around her get angry by her behavior. She just thinks everyone around her crazy! No capacity to understand her part in it, own it, learn from it, and fix it. Where she ends up, I have no idea. But, not my problem.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. I know it sucks man. You can't control her. And dude. Why would you want to? You can only control yourself. And despite how you feel, you can still function. You can still make choices. Do some rad ___! Get on it! You got this!

This is amazing - thank you Willy45.

I totally agree that social media should be avoided. Everything they say is smoke and mirrors, used to bolster their fake mood and personality. I remember I used to ask my BPDex (when we were together) how she managed to sound so upbeat online, but in person she was suffering from depression and was anything BUT happy.

Her response: "The way I act and the way I feel aren't necessarily the same." and "It's easier to pretend online."

[CloseToFreedom]

I want to reply on this topic again, as I've seen my ex in action yesterday night with my replacement, and yes she seems very happy and social. She's chatting with my friends (which are now also her friends) and being al lovey dovey with the new guy.

It hurts to see, but at the same time I have to keep in mind that its all fake. Well, she's in the honeymoon stage so it is real for her, but sooner or later she'll come crashing down from that feeling and when that happens, the new guy will be in a world of pain.

So all i have left to do is get on with my life myself, but on my timetable. I'm two months out of the relationship now and I don't feel like being in a relationship again so fast. Of course, she does and is, because she needs that constant validation. But I'm just trying to heal the wounds that this relationship brought upon me, and I do meet new people every now and then or go on a date sometimes. But nothing more than that. Taking it slowly.

Of course, like many say here, it is very tempting to think all the faults are at me. If she's so happy with the new guy, was it me who was disorted? I think about this daily, hell, hourly. But it's no use, nothing good comes from thinking lik that. So I try to keep in mind all the bad things that happened during our relationship.

[jhkbuzz]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

I am around your age... .I understand. But if you're 18 months out and feeling what is in bold, you may be depressed.  I'm not a therapist or anything, but do you think it's a possibility?

Have you seen a therapist?  It sounds like you may be "stuck" in a grief stage, and you may need some processing to get unstuck.

BPD r/s's often trigger childhood "stuff" that needs to be resolved.  The more time that goes by (almost 6 months post b/u for me) the more I am recognizing that my sadness has little to do with my ex these days - it feels more like she has reopened some old wound that needs healing.  That's what I'm working on with my therapist.

[willy45]

Willy45:

I appreciate your words more than you know.  You describe me when I met him.  The spiral that took place after was beyond comprehension.  It has been a slow trip back.  I still have depressed days, days I dial it in, and it has been almost 18 months out.

My question for you is, what about relationships?  Are you back in that way also?

I ask because I have completely tapped out.  No dates, no romance, no sex, nothing.  Actually, I feel only two things when a man shows interest in me now, extreme anger and panic.

Does this get better.  I joke with my friends when they want to "set me up" with a friend or co worker that they shouldn't do that to someone they like cause "I am dead inside... .".

I make a joke of it, but it is truthful.  I feel I will never feel a desire to roll those dice again.  The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

At 50, like a thoroughbred horse I feel I had a good run but now I am retiring to the field.  I eat a lot.  I stopped working out 6 months ago.  I care, but not enough to put action behind the words.  Getting back to just being able to function and participate at my job and as a mother seems like all I can reasonably handle right now.

I would be interested in your experience.

Thanks,

Siren

Hey Siren,

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling all this. That sucks. It took me a long while. I guess in some ways I am still kind of stuck. The only missing piece for me is that I still have trouble comparing the sex I had with my uBPD ex with everyone else I'm with. Not the greatest and certainly a total bummer.

But, as for other people... .I think the key for me has been doing a lot of work on myself and understanding what my weaknesses are. For me, it is the lack of boundaries and being able to stick up for myself. I did a lot of work and figured out where that all came from from my childhood and have done a lot of work in terms of enacting those lessons... .Putting up boundaries, being able to walk away if those boundaries are crossed, not second guessing myself is something is not good for me. That has really, really helped build my self esteem and self confidence. I know now (and have experienced) putting up boundaries and totally walking away if those boundaries are crossed. Sure, it doesn't feel great at the moment but whenever stuff like that has happened, I have noticed that the dust settles and I am OK. So, i guess know that I have the capacity to that now makes me feel more capable of meeting new people romantically because I know I can cut it off if things get funky. A strange paradox, I suppose but probably correct in terms of healthy relationships. You can't be with someone unless you are capable of walking away. So, I kind of do that now. Lay boundaries (either explicitly or in my own mind) and stick to those boundaries. If they get crossed, I give a warning. If they get cross again, I walk. Again, not all roses and peaches when it happens but at the end of the day, it is a learning experience for me and I have been able to learn that I have the capacity to take care of myself and stop situations that are detrimental to me. And that has given me a lot of strength and power.

I'm sorry you are feeling down. At 18 months, I was also still a mess. You'll get there. Another thing I learned is that there are PLENTY of people out there. And, another thing I learned is that you DON'T NEED anyone else to be happy.

Anyhow, I certainly don't want to make it out like I've gotten it all sorted. But, with some time and on-going effort, I have been able to see things a lot more clearly and able to see my feelings for what they are... .just feelings... .and not reality. Reality is much greater and complicated and amazing than you or I or anyone else can understand.

Not sure if random thoughts help... .but those are my thoughts!

[Infared]

I want to reply on this topic again, as I've seen my ex in action yesterday night with my replacement, and yes she seems very happy and social. She's chatting with my friends (which are now also her friends) and being al lovey dovey with the new guy.

It hurts to see, but at the same time I have to keep in mind that its all fake. Well, she's in the honeymoon stage so it is real for her, but sooner or later she'll come crashing down from that feeling and when that happens, the new guy will be in a world of pain.

So all i have left to do is get on with my life myself, but on my timetable. I'm two months out of the relationship now and I don't feel like being in a relationship again so fast. Of course, she does and is, because she needs that constant validation. But I'm just trying to heal the wounds that this relationship brought upon me, and I do meet new people every now and then or go on a date sometimes. But nothing more than that. Taking it slowly.

Of course, like many say here, it is very tempting to think all the faults are at me. If she's so happy with the new guy, was it me who was disorted? I think about this daily, hell, hourly. But it's no use, nothing good comes from thinking lik that. So I try to keep in mind all the bad things that happened during our relationship.

Close to Free... .

You know... .for two months out and seeing her with new supply... .you sound REALLY a good! You sound reasonable, balanced and realistic... .plus you are taking slow steps and giving yourself time to heal and to be the authentic you.

Congratulations... .you should be proud of yourself! 

[JRT]

my ex wife (who I am begging to suspect as being a BPD) met a man very soon after we were divorced. IT was the first person that she had dated and wasn't even through the rebound period. He also was 180 degrees different from me. I'll spare the details; though she ended up marrying him. It lasted about a year or two since there was nothing there to base a marriage upon: he was simply a repudiation of me and not a genuine love interest. Her marriage to him was an indication to me that there was still SOMETHING that she didn't detach from with me. If I were a gambling man, I would be a lot that this relationship will also fail.

[Turkish]

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