One BPD women's perspective on "dealing with a breakup"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Im sure a lot of you guys have red or at least heard about my crazy last few months trying to find closure, this will be my last post for a while because I feel as if im finally out of the FOG, before I share this powerful information with you, I would just like to thank this community for being there for me and  for their incredible knowledge and input throughout my whole ordeal.  I would like to share a response with you guys because It will help you and if it helps you like it has helped me the FOG will disperse.

Before I paste her response to my story, I would just like to say that, like others on this forum i knew about the traits of BPD (low self esteem impulsive behavior etc) BUT I was never able to read between the lines and put  it all together, well this was the answer I received from a diagnosed Borderline:

Being someone who is diagnosed with BPD, I feel like I could help you. Please note that my thoughts are based off of my own personal experiences, which may or may not apply to your ex and all of my predictions of what caused her to do all of these things are based off of if she actually does have this disorder. She may not have this disorder and all of the things I'm guessing may not be true.

She moved on so quickly because the emotional pain after the breakup was too much for her to handle. She thought that she could get rid of the pain she was feeling by distracting herself. This is a way of coping, which I have also done many times in my past. Getting a new boyfriend, moving, partying, etc are some of the many different ways that seem to be most effective when trying to distract someone's thoughts.

She acted normal and loving towards you when she saw you because she didn't want to make you think she was affected by the breakup. "Fake it until you make it" is an excellent quote to describe this situation. She chose to act like that because she thought that if she pretended to feel a certain way that eventually she would actually start to feel that way. She most likely knows that the breakup upset her massively, but she doesn't want to let herself accept it because it hurts too much. She also may have wanted to hurt you, making you think she didn't care and was perfectly fine even after all of the events that had occurred because she was the one who ended the relationship. She also may have thought that acting like this will make her get your attention.

People with BPD experience emotions intensely. This basically means that she will overreact every emotion she feels. When she feels even the slightest bit of happiness, she is 'I just won the lottery' happy. When she feels even the slightest bit of anger, she is 'I just found out my best friend slept with my current lover' angry. When she feels even the slightest bit of sadness, she is 'this is the end of the world' sad. Do you understand what I'm saying? The breakup most likely affected her so massively and she is only acting the way she is because it's her way of coping.

Another symptom of BPD is having low self esteem. She may think that she is not good enough for you and she may also think that you deserve better. Reassurance is the key to making me stay sane in a relationship, but I absolutely hate asking for it because it makes me feel attention-seeking. I would let my self esteem kill me because I never wanted to ask for reassurance every time I needed it, which was constantly. No matter how many times someone will reassure them, people with BPD have a very difficult time actually accepting whatever is being told to them because of how low their self esteem truly is. If a day went by where my boyfriend wouldn't tell me something reassuring to me like "Baby, I wanna see you" or "I miss you so much", I would immediately start to believe that I did something wrong or he didn't feel the same or he was going to leave me. It drove me crazy, and it still does.

Impulsive actions are another trait of BPD. She may have FaceTimed you because she could have been missing you more on that particular day and she didn't give it any type of second thought. She probably immediately regretted it because she felt vulnerable, which is why she blocked you again. She thinks that cutting off all communication and association with you will help her ignore the intense feelings. Also, getting a new boyfriend or any other distraction can be an impulsive decision. In the moment, I will be all over the idea of whatever impulsive action I am taking part in. Being impulsive helps me forget all of my struggles and feelings and worries and makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, which I'm guessing is the same for her, which is why we do it. Risky behaviors are extremely distracting, which is what I like to look for when I'm upset. Please know that she has been more upset or emotionally damaged after the breakup which is causing her to participate more in these impulsive actions.

It seems like she thinks she knows what she is doing and what she is going to do, but she really doesn't know what's happening or what she is really doing at all. She seems unknowingly lost.

Whenever I was in a similar position to your ex, I thought that everything I was doing was right and that it was helping me, but it was only making my emotions worse. I would take part in some really stupid things because I wanted to forget about what had happened in my past. I remember I dated someone I didn't even like after I had broken up with a guy I was truly in love with. I only did it because I thought it would make me feel better and that I absolutely needed to get my mind off of my ex. I ended up regretting everything later on, which made me act even crazier because I felt I had nothing going for me. I felt nothing. I was careless. I didn't give a f'ck about anything or anyone or myself or what I was doing and who I was hurting or anything. I didn't feel real because every emotion that I was feeling was so strong. Whenever I was hurt, it was unbearable and I wanted to ignore it as much as I could. Whenever I was happy, I wanted to keep it going for as long as I could. I was desperate to feel happy because whenever you experience happiness when you have BPD, you get off on it. It's like having your best orgasm and winning millions of dollars all at once. And honestly, who doesn't want to feel like that all of the time? I did similar things like your ex. I would call my ex and tell him I missed him but then I would automatically regret it and tell him I actually hated him and never wanted to see him again because I felt vulnerable and weak when I confessed what I truly felt. Feeling vulnerable and weak definitely affects my self esteem because I like to be viewed as a strong person. I thought that cutting him off even when I missed him and still wanted him would turn me into this person that I wanted to be.

Coming from a female with BPD, I hope this may have helped you understand.

[jammo1989]

Im sure a lot of you guys have red or at least heard about my crazy last few months trying to find closure, this will be my last post for a while because I feel as if im finally out of the FOG, before I share this powerful information with you, I would just like to thank this community for being there for me and  for their incredible knowledge and input throughout my whole ordeal.  I would like to share a response with you guys because It will help you and if it helps you like it has helped me the FOG will disperse.

Before I paste her response to my story, I would just like to say that, like others on this forum i knew about the traits of BPD (low self esteem impulsive behavior etc) BUT I was never able to read between the lines and put  it all together, well this was the answer I received from a diagnosed Borderline:

Being someone who is diagnosed with BPD, I feel like I could help you. Please note that my thoughts are based off of my own personal experiences, which may or may not apply to your ex and all of my predictions of what caused her to do all of these things are based off of if she actually does have this disorder. She may not have this disorder and all of the things I'm guessing may not be true.

She moved on so quickly because the emotional pain after the breakup was too much for her to handle. She thought that she could get rid of the pain she was feeling by distracting herself. This is a way of coping, which I have also done many times in my past. Getting a new boyfriend, moving, partying, etc are some of the many different ways that seem to be most effective when trying to distract someone's thoughts.

She acted normal and loving towards you when she saw you because she didn't want to make you think she was affected by the breakup. "Fake it until you make it" is an excellent quote to describe this situation. She chose to act like that because she thought that if she pretended to feel a certain way that eventually she would actually start to feel that way. She most likely knows that the breakup upset her massively, but she doesn't want to let herself accept it because it hurts too much. She also may have wanted to hurt you, making you think she didn't care and was perfectly fine even after all of the events that had occurred because she was the one who ended the relationship. She also may have thought that acting like this will make her get your attention.

People with BPD experience emotions intensely. This basically means that she will overreact every emotion she feels. When she feels even the slightest bit of happiness, she is 'I just won the lottery' happy. When she feels even the slightest bit of anger, she is 'I just found out my best friend slept with my current lover' angry. When she feels even the slightest bit of sadness, she is 'this is the end of the world' sad. Do you understand what I'm saying? The breakup most likely affected her so massively and she is only acting the way she is because it's her way of coping.

Another symptom of BPD is having low self esteem. She may think that she is not good enough for you and she may also think that you deserve better. Reassurance is the key to making me stay sane in a relationship, but I absolutely hate asking for it because it makes me feel attention-seeking. I would let my self esteem kill me because I never wanted to ask for reassurance every time I needed it, which was constantly. No matter how many times someone will reassure them, people with BPD have a very difficult time actually accepting whatever is being told to them because of how low their self esteem truly is. If a day went by where my boyfriend wouldn't tell me something reassuring to me like "Baby, I wanna see you" or "I miss you so much", I would immediately start to believe that I did something wrong or he didn't feel the same or he was going to leave me. It drove me crazy, and it still does.

Impulsive actions are another trait of BPD. She may have FaceTimed you because she could have been missing you more on that particular day and she didn't give it any type of second thought. She probably immediately regretted it because she felt vulnerable, which is why she blocked you again. She thinks that cutting off all communication and association with you will help her ignore the intense feelings. Also, getting a new boyfriend or any other distraction can be an impulsive decision. In the moment, I will be all over the idea of whatever impulsive action I am taking part in. Being impulsive helps me forget all of my struggles and feelings and worries and makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, which I'm guessing is the same for her, which is why we do it. Risky behaviors are extremely distracting, which is what I like to look for when I'm upset. Please know that she has been more upset or emotionally damaged after the breakup which is causing her to participate more in these impulsive actions.

It seems like she thinks she knows what she is doing and what she is going to do, but she really doesn't know what's happening or what she is really doing at all. She seems unknowingly lost.

Whenever I was in a similar position to your ex, I thought that everything I was doing was right and that it was helping me, but it was only making my emotions worse. I would take part in some really stupid things because I wanted to forget about what had happened in my past. I remember I dated someone I didn't even like after I had broken up with a guy I was truly in love with. I only did it because I thought it would make me feel better and that I absolutely needed to get my mind off of my ex. I ended up regretting everything later on, which made me act even crazier because I felt I had nothing going for me. I felt nothing. I was careless. I didn't give a f'ck about anything or anyone or myself or what I was doing and who I was hurting or anything. I didn't feel real because every emotion that I was feeling was so strong. Whenever I was hurt, it was unbearable and I wanted to ignore it as much as I could. Whenever I was happy, I wanted to keep it going for as long as I could. I was desperate to feel happy because whenever you experience happiness when you have BPD, you get off on it. It's like having your best orgasm and winning millions of dollars all at once. And honestly, who doesn't want to feel like that all of the time? I did similar things like your ex. I would call my ex and tell him I missed him but then I would automatically regret it and tell him I actually hated him and never wanted to see him again because I felt vulnerable and weak when I confessed what I truly felt. Feeling vulnerable and weak definitely affects my self esteem because I like to be viewed as a strong person. I thought that cutting him off even when I missed him and still wanted him would turn me into this person that I wanted to be.

Coming from a female with BPD, I hope this may have helped you understand.

[JRT]

Thank you very much... .best wishes moving forward!

[merlin4926]

This is really useful. Good luck in your future xxx

[jammo1989]

Thank you for the support, but I really want to try really hard in this topic post to find as many people closure as I possibly can, heres a great idea if your still hurting:

Bullet point the BPD traits like that kind woman did for me, then under each one write how he/she showed that trait relating to your own personal story, by doing that, It will help join all the missing pieces together, i really want to talk about the extremely important information that she shared with me.

If your still confused as to why your ex moved on so fast and maybe fell pregnant or got married so soon, your answer lies within this woman's response.  The more reckless their behavior after your break up the more YOU meant to them.  A new partner, marriage, cutting, pregnancy is merely a distraction to how painful it was to lose you.  If anything shes using the new guy to try and distract the way she felt or misses us.  So dont EVER be jealous of the new guy or surprised by their crazy actions after the break up because its not love on her part its merely her way of saying "i NEED to find ways to stay in denial about how I actually fee"  Furthermore, just like what was stated in the ladies response, blocking and cutting contact completely (Silent treatment) is her way of trying to pretend shes a strong person and that the break up hasnt phased her.  When in reality we are very much on their mind, remember these distractions are only short term, this is why they almost always get back in contact with us.

Have you ever been sent an email or text then realize yu have been blocked or ignored? Well as the BPD sufferer stated, Impulsive thoughts, she doesnt think a head.  For example, If I text him now what will he say or will he reply? It seems that its a thought that processes so fast that they cant control it.  So they do miss us or at least are thinking about us at that present time (the distraction isnt available) they then feel guilty or weak and block us again.  They want to reach out to us but cant due to low self esteem issues.         

[merlin4926]

I will certainly try this. I very much feel that it ended at the very time we were closer than ever. as soon as we went beyond being in love to actually loving each other started he started looking for someone else. I really struggle with feeling like I never mattered and was just used and so this post seems to ring true (although admittedly it's what I want to believe!).

I do find some closure in knowing he could never be close to me again I.e. It couldn't ever work.

[Targeted]

What was the forum that you went to?

[JRT]

I will certainly try this. I very much feel that it ended at the very time we were closer than ever. as soon as we went beyond being in love to actually loving each other started he started looking for someone else. I really struggle with feeling like I never mattered and was just used and so this post seems to ring true (although admittedly it's what I want to believe!).

I do find some closure in knowing he could never be close to me again I.e. It couldn't ever work.

Merlin... .your comment resonated with me... .mine had moved in only 3 weeks prior... .we put several milestones/large projects behind us and began to discuss our wedding... .I had recently got a new job paying more and providing greater flexibility and we began to discuss remodeling the home... .EVERYTHING was looking up. We never felt closer to anyone ever in our lives and everything was pointing up - it was euphoric!

Then, she disappeared... .that was 4 months ago... .the last time that I spoke with her I said 'Good Night, I love you... .and she said the same'.

[Caredverymuch]

I will certainly try this. I very much feel that it ended at the very time we were closer than ever. as soon as we went beyond being in love to actually loving each other started he started looking for someone else. I really struggle with feeling like I never mattered and was just used and so this post seems to ring true (although admittedly it's what I want to believe!).

I do find some closure in knowing he could never be close to me again I.e. It couldn't ever work.

Merlin I could have written your words. Yes, my ex left me as we entered the most beautiful deepening of our r/s. A place a surpassing much and truly loving one another.  I have surely felt the way you do. Like I never mattered.

Jammo thank you for this this thoughtful post.  The woman who provided you w this feedback has indeed provided great insight on closure for many of us today.  I feel as you do. Its time to move forward and my time here will be limited as well. 

I must echo your sentiments. The incredible members here have helped me insurmountably.  The value of your presence wherever you are in your journey is so entirely beneficial to others.  You have played a tremendous role in that as well Jammo.  Best of luck to you as you move to a much better and well deserved place.

[downwhim]

Yes I too felt we were as close as we have ever been then he started to pull away. He was afraid, felt inferior, had self esteem issues - all or some of this. We had just gone on a trip and went to his friends wedding in California on a ranch. Perfect day and night, fun dancing, great sex within a month we were over. Told me he loved me everyday then as I said the last month or so changed. Not like himself. It was just killing me as I was engaged to him, the man I loved and he became a stranger. No touching, distant, black eyes. So sad what this mental illness does to them! And us.

[Confusedmae]

Hi Jammo:

I've been a member on those boards for a few years now and just want to warn you about some of the posters there. I'm not saying all of them, but a fair number of them (esp. BPD) get their thrills from playing with nons who come there and ask questions.  There are some REALLY wonderful people over there but, like anywhere I guess, some are just there for the fun of it and will tell you anything they think you want to hear.

I'm glad she gave you valuable information and I truly hope it speeds your healing.

[paperlung]

Thank you for the support, but I really want to try really hard in this topic post to find as many people closure as I possibly can, heres a great idea if your still hurting:

Bullet point the BPD traits like that kind woman did for me, then under each one write how he/she showed that trait relating to your own personal story, by doing that, It will help join all the missing pieces together, i really want to talk about the extremely important information that she shared with me.

If your still confused as to why your ex moved on so fast and maybe fell pregnant or got married so soon, your answer lies within this woman's response.  The more reckless their behavior after your break up the more YOU meant to them.  A new partner, marriage, cutting, pregnancy is merely a distraction to how painful it was to lose you.  If anything shes using the new guy to try and distract the way she felt or misses us.  So dont EVER be jealous of the new guy or surprised by their crazy actions after the break up because its not love on her part its merely her way of saying "i NEED to find ways to stay in denial about how I actually fee"  Furthermore, just like what was stated in the ladies response, blocking and cutting contact completely (Silent treatment) is her way of trying to pretend shes a strong person and that the break up hasnt phased her.  When in reality we are very much on their mind, remember these distractions are only short term, this is why they almost always get back in contact with us.

Have you ever been sent an email or text then realize yu have been blocked or ignored? Well as the BPD sufferer stated, Impulsive thoughts, she doesnt think a head.  For example, If I text him now what will he say or will he reply? It seems that its a thought that processes so fast that they cant control it.  So they do miss us or at least are thinking about us at that present time (the distraction isnt available) they then feel guilty or weak and block us again.  They want to reach out to us but cant due to low self esteem issues.         

Thanks for sharing this, jammo1989. Deep down I know all this already, but it's always good to refresh myself. All of the behavior that person with BPD explained is my ex to a tee.

[drummerboy]

Very interesting post and yes, a lot of it rings very true for me. The lack of closure thing used to really bug me too but I've made my peace with it by realising that I was dealing with a person that was at the emotional level of a 5 year old. So much of her behaviour was pure children's stuff, so why would I think that the way should would handle the end be any different. I was expecting this little girl to behave like an adult and end it like an adult, not going to happen. Now that the FOG has lifted I simply see a confused, scared, needy little girl who devotes her entire life towards acting like a grown up and to people she doesn't get close to, the act works. Once someone sees behind the mask that person is a major threat and must be removed for their life entirely.