Anyone thought about suicide after the break up?

[CloseToFreedom]

I was wondering if it is normal (well, considering the situation) if you think about suicide after a relationship with a (u)BPD.

Although I'm not convinced it is the solution, I can't deny that I've been thinking a lot about it. It began as images in my head: images of me painting the wall using a gun (that I don't even have), me cutting my wrists and/or my throat, me hanging myself. The images usually pop up in my head during the day, when I'm at work. I guess because it is hard for me to combine the stress of the break up with the stress of work, the images appear during that time.

At night and in weekends I'm a bit better, I am still devastated by the break-up, but I try to be (a bit more) positive and think to myself: there will be good times ahead, if I just get through this. I even managed to get angry at my ex the past couple of days. Not that I had contact, but I mean, in my head.

Because of these images, I sometimes start to think about if it is the answer to get over all this. I'm not saying it is the answer, and I don't want to. I'm a 30 year old male with a job and a house, a lot of people have it a lot worse. And it would totally devastate my parents. But I can't deny the thought doesn't pop up every now and then.

What would be the pro's of ending it all?

- Not feeling miserable anymore

- Not having to bear the fact that I cannot ever be with my ex anymore

- Not having to keep up appearances for the outside world, acting like I'm okay

Of course, the cons are much more important. It's a final solution and I would miss out on all the potential happy life that is ahead of me. I would also give her the satisfaction of 'winning',  so to speak. Although I'm sure it would hurt her in some ways, but thats not why I would do it.

I am in no way saying that anyone here, including myself, should commit suicide. I'm merely asking you if you had these feelings after the break up, and how did you deal with them? I am sorry if this subject goes against the rules of the forum, but I've had so much good feedback here that I had to write and talk about it. Talking helps.

[tigerville]

I did and got help. I remember they was dark times after me and my ex BPDgf split. It's been 4 years and as weird as it sounds I'm glad I had the experience of being in a rs with a girl with BPD. It's made me a better person. I've become stronger, financially better off and less things fade me. I promise you you will not only feel better than ever but any pain you feel now will go. Get help my friend.

[Recooperating]

Hi Close to freedom,

I am sorry you are struggling and I really hope you feel better soon and will start to see all of the beautifull wonders in life.

Some months ago I did think of suicide, but never had the intention of really doing so. These thoughts were when I was still in the rs. I just thought; dont let me wake up in the morning... .

Now that I am out, in therapy anf doing better these thoughts never pop up any more. I had a lot going on at that time, dealing with my dBPDexbf, my moms terminal illness, my sister was suicidal and a lot if pressure from work. I chose to go on sick leave and eventually (after T) I ended the rs, to decrease the stress levels.

Are you in T or have you considered it? And if you are did you discuss it with your T? My therapist has really helped me through it!

I am a 34 year old female so in the same age-group as you. I now realise that my best years are yet to come. We have our entire future ahead of us. Happiness is a choice, not an outcome of a circumstance. You can choose to be happy, focus on the positive. Do things that make you happy! Take on a new hobby, excersize (releases endorphines which make you feel good) surround yourself with people you love and trust and talk to them. Take a walk in nature and truely look at your surroundings, trees, flowers, etc. Retrain your brain whenever it goes to the dark thoughts, think about how you would like your future to be and think of things your gratefull for. (Roof over your head, food in the fridge, friends, what ever)

We are still so young close to freedom, I know its easier said then done but focus on a happy life after this abusive crap. Maybe its good to take some time of work? No job is more important then your health! Seek some counseling maybe.

I truely hope you will feel better! Take good care of yourself, your worth it!

[sweetheart]

Hello CloseToFreedom,

It's great that you felt able to post, as these kind of thoughts, especially with the intrusive  images you describe must feel really overwhelming.

What is really important as well as to keep posting here, is to access some help from a doctor (I'm from the UK so that's where I would start ) about the thoughts that you have been having. Letting someone know that you don't feel ok like you have done here today is your next step. Do you have access to a family doctor/medic that you could make an appointment to talk to in the next few days ?

Getting support, talking to someone about these thoughts can help reduce their intensity and frequency and equip you with some coping strategies for when they occur. You are not alone in experiencing these kinds of thoughts, not at all.

Who do you have a around you for support at the moment, who can you talk to when you are feeling like this? Do you have a close friend or family member you might feel able to trust when these thoughts and feelings occur ?

Keep posting here and let us know how you get on.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you all for the support and replies.

It already feels pretty good that I was not the only one dealing with these feelings. The fact that I have them, makes me sometimes doubt if my ex was the one with borderline and if it's maybe me. But I guess thats what happens after such a difficult relationship.

As for getting help, I'm working on it. I was with a... .I don't know the English word for it, not a therapist but a... .psycholocist? Someone to talk to anyway, but not someone who can diagnose or subscribe medication. So he saw how serious it was and recommended a therapist, for which I need a doctors order. I went to the doctor yesterday and he's gaining info now so he can give me an order to visit the therapist. He also didn't want to give me any medication to calm my feelings, as they might be intrusive with the treatment I'm getting. He mentioned valium, but that would mean I couldn't go to work, so we're not doing that as of yet.

It's difficult, at some moments I think I am making progress and getting a bit better, then the next day it feels as painful as the first few weeks. I guess my main problem is, that I was living for HER the past four years. Not for myself, but for her. Now that she isn't around anymore to try and make her happy, I feel like I don't have anything to replace it with. Working on myself, even though I'm still working and going to the gym, feels pointless and lifeless. The fact that she is able to move on so quickly also doesn't help. At first I thought it would be easier, because I lost all hope for another recycle. We've had around 10 recycles so I was used to her getting in touch with me. Now that she's found a replacement, it probably won't happen again and dealin with that is hard.

It's just so insanely difficult to imagine a life without her. For all the arguments, walking on eggshells, I still saw her as the one, I still saw us getting old together, hell, we started living together last year. She at least was faithfull as far as I knew, so that was also a plus. I thought we would make it through all the bad times and come out on top. We even went on a holiday the month before the break up.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I guess I'm just trying to explain how hopeless I feel and how tempting some thoughts about ending it all are. It's the easy, cowardly way out, but when you're deep in it, you don't see it that way anymore. You start to see it as the only option that makes sense more and more.

[Deeno02]

Yes... .It was difficult to handle. A failed marriage at 48 after 18 years of marriage(on my birthday no less), ex girlfriend dumps me at 50 after 16 months together for some stupid reason and dealing with PTSD from war. I almost caved in and did it. Just couldnt go on being a failure to the people I loved. Obviously, no one loved me or I was unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love, so I was told. Who would have cared if I did it or not. Gotta be a better place, right? I still dont feel like anyone will love me again, working through that, but I have my kids and I cant do that to them. My father killed himself over a lost love and I'll be damned if Im going to do that as well. No ones worth that. No one.

[sweetheart]

CloseToFreedom, I am really pleased to hear that you have approached someone qualified to help you talk about the thoughts and feelings you have been experiencing. That is a very positive step toward healing and taking care of yourself.

I want you to know that four years is a long time to be with someone you love despite all the ups and downs you experienced and I can hear that the realisation that it is over has left you hurting very badly and no wonder. Relationship breakups are hard and add to that the complications of BPD it will take a while for you to work through and make sense of how it has left you feeling. Therapy will definitely help you with this as will continuing to post here.

The fact that you are working and going to the gym is a positive way of continuing to be in control of your life despite the out of control feelings you are experiencing. Keeping a routine in place that gives structure and purpose to each day when you are missing the routine of your relationship will help you cope better and build-up emotional strength over time.

I want to ask you again about close friends and family that you can call on for support when you are feeling hopeless and in despair. Who do you have in your life in the moment that you can talk to ?

CloseToFreedom I want to hear that in the event that you feel really hopeless there is someone you can be with so you don't have to cope with feeling like this on your own, can you let me know who that might be?

I want to be sure that you are safe.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks  

That would be my parents, I suppose. They come by whenever I feel the need to talk. Even after 8 weeks, even after I told them everything I felt 1000 times and they told me everything that was wrong with the r/s for a 1000 times, they still are there and keep on listening and talking.

I have some friends (although my social circles AND social skills arents anywhere near as how big and good they were before I met my ex), but unfortunately some of them have become friends with my ex as well. While I can talk to them about things, I will not open up completely like I do here and to my parents, as I want to make sure nothing of how I'm feeling gets back to her. If she hears I'm hurting this badly, I have no doubt she'll be extremely happy about it.

[sweetheart]

Thank you for answering CloseToFreedom and I'm very glad that your parents are in your life for support and are there for you when you need them.

It is not necessary for you to tell your friends everything about how you are feeling, just  keeping in contact with others is important and will help you from feeling alone with what has happened.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines are need driven, and one of the things we were being used for is as a dumping ground for all the crap they can't deal with.  If we're supportive, empathetic types who care and are trying to make a relationship work, we'll be receptive to taking on the crap, and if we take on enough of it we'll feel like killing ourselves, totally understandable.  It also gives us a look into the world of a borderline, what it must be like to live in their head, and it explains why they've developed tools like projection to get rid of some of it, and also why the suicide rate among borderlines is far above average.

Anyway, you went "public" with your thoughts because you want help, and good for you, people who really want to kill themselves don't talk about it, they just do it.  Thinking about killing yourself is serious.  Commit to us here that you will talk to someone in the real world today about it, it doesn't have to be a professional, but it has to be someone you trust.  We will need confirmation you did talk to someone; when can we get that?

[BorisAcusio]

people who really want to kill themselves don't talk about it, they just do it.

That's a common and deadly misconception. Research indicates that up to 80% of suicidal people signal their intentions to others.

In most cases, the dysfunctional relationship itself is a bandaid on issues stemming from childhood. Now, you got a chance to investigate what lead you to the dysfunctional dance and the subsequent fallout. I've been where are now, talk about your feelings with someone who you trust and don't fear to seek professional help, the viewpoint you got on your situation from an experienced therapist could be a life changing experince. It's going to get better.

[CloseToFreedom]

I don't know exactly what my childhood trauma is, I had a pretty good childhood. Parents where there for me, where together, didn't argue with each other. I am an only child and my mother was always there for me, maybe a bit too much, maybe I was looking for that in a relationship? I don't know.

My first real relationship did traumatize me a bit though. Was with her from my 16th to my 25th, but she cheated multiple times on me. Had a horrible year after that and that's when I met my recent ex. Perhaps that has something to do with it. Again, I don't know.

I will talk about it with my parents tonight, after that I'll confirm here. Thanks all.

[sirensong65]

I DID struggle with thoughts of suicide.  He discarded me two weeks before Thanksgiving.  He had already bailed two days before our wedding back in July, and I chose to try to work it out.  So, I was humiliated and devastated.  Going through that during the holidays while he seemed to be having a high time was almost too much to bear.  I had to get help, I started therapy.

[Infared]

Close to Free... .

When my ex ran off with new supply (who she was having a relationship with for who knows how long), I was completely devastated. I knew nothing about her new supply.  She just said she was leaving me, a week before Christmas (not recently) and ran off leaving me feeding her cats and putting up a Christmas tree by myself, thinking that I could work things out with her... It was extremely painful for me emotionally.  I am also a very emotionally sensitive person. I also have substance abuse issues so... .I was in a very scary position. My brain sensed she was lying and cheating on me... .my heart would have none of that. It was a very twisted, dark vulnerable place for me to be. For a couple of weeks I started drinking, I also had a lot of suicidal thoughts... .I was in a deep downward spiral. Not coping.

I did the things that you are doing... .got a T (psychologist). In the US a psychologist is someone that you do therapy with in a process of growth and change. This is what I wanted. I did not want a psychiatrist who would meet with me for 30min and then prescribe a drug for me. (I personally find that to be total BS and a cop out). With a good therapist YOU do the work and change. With medication you don't take responsibility and you avoid the problem. I know that that is just my personal view and that many will dispute it. I also know that there is a small percentage of people who require med (bi-polar etc)... .but for most it is just a crutch and an excuse.   That is my opinion only. My outlook is: Put on the big-boy pants and change.

So ... .I got a T and went back into recovery and forced myself to be around others who were like me and I started to come out of my tailspin. I got back to work and started to feel better about life.

So it can get better. I think your thoughts are not uncommon. I also think that a lot of people have them and do not voice them, so this is very brave of you even to talk about that here anonymously and I am glad to hear that you are making some of the positive steps to address the issue. I identify with you.

[billypilgrim]

Hey Closetofreedom,

Yes, I definitely dealt with feelings and thoughts of suicide.  I haven't even brought these feelings up with my T so I kudos for bring this up.  It takes a certain amount of bravery and comfort with yourself to discuss these sorts of personal and vulnerable details of your life.  Especially something like suicidal thoughts as even mentioning the "s" word seems to elicit all kinds of social stigmas.  I'm glad this place exists for us to discuss our issues and feelings.

As for my experience, I was depressed, had been for some time prior to my ex leaving.  I was never close to actually acting on it but I identify with many of the things you mentioned.  Namely wanting the pain to end and feeling completely devalued.

I dealt with it by welcoming the pain.  Telling myself I would be a better and bigger person once I got through this.  I used it to rebuild myself and my self-esteem, which is still a work in progress.  I told myself that I was truly valued.  I surrounded myself with good things and good people.  I thought about all of the people that I still very much care about.  All of the things that I still want to accomplish.  And I thought, to some degree, about my ex.  I thought about showing her how happy I can be without her.  How happy I can make other people.  How wonderful my life could and will be without her.  That's what got me away from those feelings.  

As for tangible things that I did and do to keep things moving along, I wrote and still write a lot.  I read a lot.  I do things that I want to do.  I'm hiking again (my ex loathed the outdoors), I'm going to the gym again.  I've joined a second soccer league.  I meet friends after work.  I'm going to concerts of bands that I want to see.  Eventually I want to date but I'm not rushing into that.  You'd be amazed at how quickly I perked up once I started taking care of myself more.  

I think the biggest cause for suicidal feelings is a lack of self-esteem.  If you can focus on yourself and take a break from thinking about her and your r/s, you'll bounce back too.  The personal inventory board has some great threads on building yourself back up.  Best of luck - I'm sorry you are dealing with these feelings but I truly believe that we will all come out stronger on the other side.  As cliche as that sounds.  

[sweetheart]

CloseToFreedom not everyone experiences childhood or early trauma so don't feel you have to search for answers from your past to explain what is happening for you now.

Be kind and gentle to yourself and try not to overload yourself at the moment, at least until you are engaged in therapy or feeling a bit stronger emotionally.

Just allowing yourself to feel sad because a relationship that was important to you has ended is as good a place as any to focus on.

Take care.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks you all for your stories and support.

I don't see mentioning it on this forum as brave. I see it as something I HAVE to do. I feel like I don't have a mouth but I must scream. This is a way to get it off my chest and to get some perspective.

I try to remember how pleased I was with myself before I met my ex. I felt so much better. So alive, free and at times genuine happiness. But there was still an empty hole left by my previous ex and my recent one was there to fill it up. And filled it up she did, and then some. She just spread and spread and became part of my dna, my identity. She took over. I must never let this happen again.

[Tim300]

I was wondering if it is normal (well, considering the situation) if you think about suicide after a relationship with a (u)BPD.

I definitely thought about it a lot on a regular basis for at least the first couple months out.  I'm now almost 4 months out.  I can assure you that things really do get better.  I'm still struggling with it all -- but I am much better than where I was.  I have really been understanding and accepting more and more each day that I dodged a major bullet and that because my pwBPD has BPD she is truly a 0 out of 10 despite whatever positive qualities she has.  I think as more and more time passes, this acceptance/relief will be 100% of my feeling about it all.

[clydegriffith]

Personally i didnt. I've had the very healthy perspective since this all happened is that this was all her fault. I won't lie and say i never thought about killing her though, that thought def crossed my mind more than once but i like not being in jail so that was never more than a thought at most.

I often wonder though what someone else in my place my have done. I would not be the least at all shocked if one of the next guys she's with offs her or if she has her very own Jodi Arias moment.  I used to say that this woman was capable of sending the Pope himself into a murderous rage.

[CloseToFreedom]

Personally i didnt. I've had the very healthy perspective since this all happened is that this was all her fault. I won't lie and say i never thought about killing her though, that thought def crossed my mind more than once but i like not being in jail so that was never more than a thought at most.

I often wonder though what someone else in my place my have done. I would not be the least at all shocked if one of the next guys she's with offs her or if she has her very own Jodi Arias moment.  I used to say that this woman was capable of sending the Pope himself into a murderous rage.

You speak some truth right there. Ive done some terrible things to my ex out of sheer desperation. The crazy rubs off.

[BorisAcusio]

I don't know exactly what my childhood trauma is, I had a pretty good childhood. Parents where there for me, where together, didn't argue with each other. I am an only child and my mother was always there for me, maybe a bit too much, maybe I was looking for that in a relationship? I don't know.

My first real relationship did traumatize me a bit though. Was with her from my 16th to my 25th, but she cheated multiple times on me. Had a horrible year after that and that's when I met my recent ex. Perhaps that has something to do with it. Again, I don't know.

I will talk about it with my parents tonight, after that I'll confirm here. Thanks all.

It doesn't have to be an actual trauma in the sense you experienced with your exes. Any unmet childhood need can produce maladaptive coping modes, but that's not something you need to deal with right now.

As somebody mentioned above, exercise can be tremendously beneficial. It gives you direction, almost immidate improvement on your mood and self-image.

[Maternus]

I also thought about suicide in the first days after the break up. It felt like my life was over. I was nearly isolated from friends and family, everything I had was my uBPDgf and her two children. My whole life revolved around them. I felt like a little child abandoned by his mother. And this is really one of my childhood traumas: My mother telling me, what an awful son I am and that she'll send me to the children's home.  The breaku p of a BPD-relationship his horrible - but it's also a chance to go down to the dark places in your soul and turn on the light.   

[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are going through this CloseToFreedom.  

Depression is very common when breaking up with a pwBPD. During periods of depression our brain produces less serotonin. Serotonin affects our cognitive thinking and lack of serotonin distorts this way of thinking.  :)epression and suicidal idealizations are very common.  

Breaking an attachment from another person is difficult. Adding BPD into that equation, feels absolutely devastating. During the grieving process, you may go through anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, and depression all at the same time.  Working through your emotions helps greatly.

As many people have suggested, speaking with a therapist helps.   Also, learning Mindfulness is great for when you are triggered.  Here is a link to read.  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Many of the DBT principles are effective during difficult times. There is a focus on eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and exercising.

I have felt similar at one point during my relationship. It felt like I was going down a vortex of depression. During this period, life had no meaning and I felt helpless and scared. One day, I woke up and decided to ask for help. My friends and family were very supportive. With their help and support, I found the strength to find a psychologist. I started taking SSRIs . After working on myself for awhile, I finally saw the light. I am no longer on medication. It does take time and the process is difficult, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[peace_seeker]

It's difficult, at some moments I think I am making progress and getting a bit better, then the next day it feels as painful as the first few weeks. I guess my main problem is, that I was living for HER the past four years. Not for myself, but for her. Now that she isn't around anymore to try and make her happy, I feel like I don't have anything to replace it with. Working on myself, even though I'm still working and going to the gym, feels pointless and lifeless. The fact that she is able to move on so quickly also doesn't help. At first I thought it would be easier, because I lost all hope for another recycle. We've had around 10 recycles so I was used to her getting in touch with me. Now that she's found a replacement, it probably won't happen again and dealin with that is hard.

It's just so insanely difficult to imagine a life without her. For all the arguments, walking on eggshells, I still saw her as the one, I still saw us getting old together, hell, we started living together last year. She at least was faithfull as far as I knew, so that was also a plus. I thought we would make it through all the bad times and come out on top. We even went on a holiday the month before the break up.

ClosedtToFreedom, u and me are very similar and have very similar stories. Just like u, me and my ex ask went on a holiday weeks before we broke up. Just like u, I have lived my life for him, and now that he's gone, sometimes I just can't help but feel like an empty shell. I can completely understand ur struggle and i just dont want u to feel alone in this.

Even though I am also still trying to figure things out, n I know it's not easy, we must firstly accept that no one can make us feel happy except ourselves. I know it's extremely difficult right now, because we've lived our life around our ex so much so that it's hard to even think abt being alright without them. I'm going through this struggle now too, but I also know that I cant control how he wants to be. I can't make him change his mind abt leaving me. And so the only thing that I can control is my thoughts. And that probably the only way forward - to change our thoughts, to change the way we think. But I also know that it's easier said than done... perhaps u have already read this before, but I always find this a good reminder to remind myself that what I'm going through is not unique to me. And that helps me feel less alone and gives me rays of hope that life can be, and will be better if we work towards moving on.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#1

Wrt your question, yes, i do have thoughts of dying too. But not so much of a suicide, i am too weak to kill myself. but I do have thoughts and "hopes" of accidents befalling onto me and killing me, like being in car accidents and etc... .it's crazy, but we all know how  painful this struggle  is.

Pls stay strong, pls continue seeing ur psychologist and keep posting here. Big hugs to you and hope u'll learn to love urself more.

[charred]

My first breakup with my BPDgf... was devastating, was about 30 yrs ago, we were seemingly getting serious, talking marriage, I thought things were going well, and she abruptly dumped me, wouldn't say why, only some lame stuff about "it's the best thing I can do for you"... and other cryptic comments. Then she showed up hanging on a neighbor of mine. I was livid, and hurt and couldn't take it. Considered shooting him, her, or myself. But didn't pull the trigger. She showed up again, did same hanging on ... .so I packed up my stuff, and moved 1500 miles away, leaving my family, friends, the city I grew up in... and her. Was 5 yrs before I felt normal (but still missed her)... and 10 before I thought I had moved on. After about 25 yrs she reached out to me and after talking to her on the phone... 100% of the feelings were back, the intense love, the hurt, the confusion. Ended up getting a divorce, and recycling in a hell I couldn't believe for about 3 yrs... been NC for 2 now.

So... I did not get that she was disordered the first time around... thought she was perfect and wonderful... she told me otherwise   , but I didn't want to believe her. She said that leaving me was the best thing she could do for me... .it was absolutely true... but I didn't believe it.

All the best things that happened to me in my life... .happened after she dumped me... I met my wife, we lived together, had a child, raised her... took trips, and lived life... real love, not the dreamy illusion that the BPD r/s was. For years I thought if only I had her back everything would be wonderful... .it wasn't, it was hell, hell so bad I have been seeing a T for 2 yrs to work past it. The breakup tore me up... it shattered illusions. I had a false self that held out to the world that I was fine, having a waif BPD mother and malignant NPD father didn't phase me... but it was ego, not reality. My BPDgf... mirrored and love bombed me till I took her for the soul mate I never had... thought she was perfect... but she was just mirroring me with my own ego image. When she dumped me every fear and hurt from childhood landed on me... .far out of proportion to the relationship ... in fact I had started questioning if I should really settle down with her, maybe I should date around... then she dumped me.

The problem wasn't what she did to me... .it was that I had ignored my own wounded core self, and she came around and pulled off all the band-aids, and made it hurt again. The sex was good, she hung on my every word like it was important (at first)... but fact is... she was disordered, and had I married her I would have been one of the 3 divorces she had... or worse yet, had a kid to have knock down dragout fights over from then on.

You are hurting, and going through grieving stages... is she is BPD... she isn't doing all that... but finding someone, anyone to mirror (act like)... and try to get to act as a stand in for her hypercritical parents. Chances are she is stuck in a loop and will do that good/bad push-pull with other people... endlessly. Twenty five years later, my pwBPD... was still at it.

The ego is what is devastated and involved in the r/s... .that is the false self. There is nothing genuine/authentic about the r/s. So long as you talk about the future, and dreams and that sort of thing... .it seems to work... but reality... now, relating with the pwBPD... is avoided at all cost. Mindfulness helps to stop fretting about the past, and making yourself miserable making up bleak futures to worry about. Get grounded in NOW, and most of your stress/pain will drop away. In time you will find out that losing a disordered partner is like losing a hemorrhoid. It is reason for joy, not ending it all.

[Ripped Heart]

CloseToFreedom,

You are most certainly not alone in your thoughts and I'm sure that many others have felt the same way you do trying to cope with the pressures of a break-up, feelings of being alone, helpless and vulnerable. It's knowing where that line is drawn between having these thoughts and working through them and having them overwhelm us.

I've read many of your posts and comments and you appear by all intents and purposes to be on the right road to recovery, even your username has a positive vibe about it too. As you mentioned in your original post, you have a lot of good things going for you and find yourself in a place of support where others may not be as fortunate.

I also noticed from your posts that you have your family to talk to and some friends too. Have you discussed any of these feelings with your friends and family? If so, what was their view on the subject? As I know it can be difficult to talk to people close to you, have you spoken with a Therapist with regard to your situation, what you are going through right now and the thoughts and feelings you have been having? Sometimes it's good to speak to someone outside of the environment who has extensive knowledge and understanding of what you are going through and how you feel and help put things into perspective.

It can be very difficult to convey these feelings to people close to us which is why I'm glad you have raised the topic on the board as a discussion and been able to talk through your feelings and I hope it's helped bring some clarity to your situation too.

From a personal perspective, I've sat where you are but it wasn't down to r/s with pwBPD. My exgf abruptly stopped me from seeing my children because she had a new bf and didn't want any confusion. Everywhere I turned I hit a brick wall and every outcome seemed negative. To me it really felt like there was no point continuing. I couldn't speak to friends and family, especially my mother because we lost my step-father to suicide just 2 years before. It wasn't what I wanted to do but how I felt, without my children I felt my life wasn't worth continuing. I was marrried to exN/BPDw at the time so that certainly didn't help matters, if anything that made it worse, was suffering all kinds of abuse and she wasn't someone I could turn to for support either.

It was only when I started to process through my thoughts and feelings that I gained clarity. Take my own life and my exgf wins, my children will never know the truth, they are the ones who will be left with unanswered questions and most important of all, I would be giving up on them. I knew I wasn't strong enough to fight at that moment in time but what it did do was give me the determination to push past all of that and get myself to a position where I could fight for my children and that became my focus and my goal. Every road block became a challenge and every challenge accomplished provided strength. I'm sat here today, several years after hitting what was my rock bottom, away from my exN/BPDw, access to my children, great job, great friends and a much happier life. I know where my rock bottom was and without those feelings I would never have known the place I never want to end up in again.

You have a lot going for you, still young, a good job, your own house and comfortable enough to talk through your feelings. You have a great support network on here with many people offering great advice and we are always around for you should you ever need to talk or need to get something off your chest. I do feel it might also benefit you to speak to someone outside of your circle too as they would be able to provide a more non-objective view and offer you that extra support as well. My T was a rock for me and a huge impact on getting my strength back to make the positive changes I needed to in my life. 

[Mutt]

Hi CloseToFreedom,

I had SI thoughts a couple of months after my ex left. Suicidal ideation often happens during depression. Depression chemically distorts thinking, so a person can't think clearly or rationally and are consumed with thoughts of hopelessness and helplessness. It's important to realize that it's not you - it's an imbalanced perception - its not your reality.

Have you talked to a MD about depression?

[Infared]

CloseToFreedom... .

Your level of self awareness and your level of honesty is refreshing and beautiful. Truly.

You, my man... .are going to be just fine... .

Keep walking... .baby steps is OK!

[Ridingthewaves]

I felt suicidal when I woke up this morning - intruding thoughts of slitting wrists also - so you are not alone. For me also its a combination of things, not just the BPD-ex ending, but major workload that I cant get out of while I am going through major grieving - the combination is making me a bit crazy inside - like too much, cant handle it. But I got up I breathed, fed the cats, watered the flowers, made coffee... .feeling better ... .trying really hard to just keep saying this too shall pass. Also going to worst case scenarios and showing to myself that I can cope. Like, so you lose you job... .big deal you get another one. Trying to show myself that whatever happens happens and its going to be ok.

As others said, its an opportunity for some deep healing - hopefully at some point the intensity of the pain will taper off -

Sending love and encouragement.   

[thatwasthat]

I know those feelings all too well. When everything fell apart I thought about ending it all regularly.

But in all that turmoil and darkness there was this small light still burning. And I now know that this small light is what kept me from acting on these thoughts.

I now also know that this small light that kept me from acting is... .  My true self. Although it was barely noticeable and faint it proved to be incredibly strong. My core, my innermost strength, the love for myself. It kept me pushing through the pain and confusion when it really became tough. One minute at a time.

It is the same light that brought you here and writing about it.

Now that I'm feeling good again (probably better than ever before in my life) I understand what an incredible waste it would have been.

Focus on that small flame and you will emerge from this nightmare sooner than you might believe now and stronger than ever.

You got this.

[Ripped Heart]

CloseToFreedom,

One of my favourite activities is parachuting. I'm working through my licenses at the moment and when the world gets overwhelming for me, I take to the skies. Its perhaps the most therapeutic thing I have ever done on so many levels.

There is an intense fear associated with leaping into nothingness from 15,000ft. The fact that my life is completely in MY hands, I can choose to pull my chute or I can choose not to. The fact I'm writing this tells you what my choice is every time. No matter how bad things have been or how difficult the road ahead feels at that moment, I still reach back and pull that chord.

Mainly for the part that comes next. When your chute opens up above you, you realise just how alive you are. Both literally and figuratively. As you float through the clouds, there isn't a care in the world up there, nobody to bother you or to trouble you, its just you and your thoughts. Below you is where the problems lie, beneath your feet and at that height the world and all its problems appear a very small place. The sun is shining where you are, the warmth on your skin and the wind in your face and it feels so good to be alive and to put aside those issues for a brief moment. It reminds me that no matter how hard things can get, nothing can take away what is most important to you and that is yourself.

No matter how bad things get for me, I know I can follow the process through. Fear of the unknown, a choice which path to take and the intense feelings of joy and happiness for the decisions I make. For me personally parachuting always gives me the clarity I need and the strength to always do the right thing for me.

[fred6]

CloseToFreedom,

I would also like to chime in here. There was a 2 month period when I still lived with her. It was after the break up, but before I moved out. I was looking for a place to live. It was the worst time in my life ever. I have never been treated so poorly by anyone in my life than I was in that 2 month period.

Anyhow, thoughts of suicide did pass through my head. I know that I wouldn't have done it, but the thoughts were there none the less. I do remember though that I wished that I wouldn't wake up in the morning many times in that 2 month period.

Once I moved out though, all of those thoughts were pretty much gone by the 30 day mark. That $hit doesn't even cross my mind anymore. I'm still sad sometimes. I'm still lonely sometimes. I'm still depressed sometimes. But I have realized that my ex is a NUT with a capital "N". I still have my issues, but I'm a great person, boyfriend, and father regardless of what that "nut" thinks about me or what she does with her life. She never deserved me and I deserved much better. The same can be said for most of us here. We have a worth much greater than we realize sometimes. Give it some time and stay strong bro!

[CloseToFreedom]

The reactions on this thread have been overwelming and I feel very grateful for them. I also feel a bit of shame and 'attention whorish' so to speak. I didn't create this topic for the attention, I created it to put my feelings out there, to talk about it, because its the only thing I have left to do.

It doesn't have to be an actual trauma in the sense you experienced with your exes. Any unmet childhood need can produce maladaptive coping modes, but that's not something you need to deal with right now.

As somebody mentioned above, exercise can be tremendously beneficial. It gives you direction, almost immidate improvement on your mood and self-image.

I guess you're right. Like I said before, I still go to the gym 3 times a week or so. Its been difficult, as the place (like so many places) trigger memories of the relationship. My ex went there as well with me, just for a few months before she grew sick of it and canceled her membership. She also once came there after an argument. I went out to get some excercise to get the argument out of my head, and she followed and started to argue there. I just left and went home. She followed me again (this was right before we started living together), and she asked between the screaming and crying if I really wanted to live with her. I said I did. In a few weeks we were.

I also thought about suicide in the first days after the break up. It felt like my life was over. I was nearly isolated from friends and family, everything I had was my uBPDgf and her two children. My whole life revolved around them. I felt like a little child abandoned by his mother. And this is really one of my childhood traumas: My mother telling me, what an awful son I am and that she'll send me to the children's home.  The breaku p of a BPD-relationship his horrible - but it's also a chance to go down to the dark places in your soul and turn on the light.   

Again, my mother was very good to me, maybe TOO good, so maybe I'm looking for this mother type figure and my ex obviously couldn't do that. Maybe that's where a lot of arguments came from, I don't know. I'm glad to hear you're doing better, at least I take that from your last sentence.

I am sorry that you are going through this CloseToFreedom.  

Depression is very common when breaking up with a pwBPD. During periods of depression our brain produces less serotonin. Serotonin affects our cognitive thinking and lack of serotonin distorts this way of thinking.  :)epression and suicidal idealizations are very common.  

Breaking an attachment from another person is difficult. Adding BPD into that equation, feels absolutely devastating. During the grieving process, you may go through anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, and depression all at the same time.  Working through your emotions helps greatly.

As many people have suggested, speaking with a therapist helps.   Also, learning Mindfulness is great for when you are triggered.  Here is a link to read.  TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Many of the DBT principles are effective during difficult times. There is a focus on eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and exercising.

I have felt similar at one point during my relationship. It felt like I was going down a vortex of depression. During this period, life had no meaning and I felt helpless and scared. One day, I woke up and decided to ask for help. My friends and family were very supportive. With their help and support, I found the strength to find a psychologist. I started taking SSRIs . After working on myself for awhile, I finally saw the light. I am no longer on medication. It does take time and the process is difficult, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll check out the link. I'm still waiting for the doctor to get back to me so that I can go to a T. But its been two months now since the break up, I'm done waiting till it gets better.

ClosedtToFreedom, u and me are very similar and have very similar stories. Just like u, me and my ex ask went on a holiday weeks before we broke up. Just like u, I have lived my life for him, and now that he's gone, sometimes I just can't help but feel like an empty shell. I can completely understand ur struggle and i just dont want u to feel alone in this.

Even though I am also still trying to figure things out, n I know it's not easy, we must firstly accept that no one can make us feel happy except ourselves. I know it's extremely difficult right now, because we've lived our life around our ex so much so that it's hard to even think abt being alright without them. I'm going through this struggle now too, but I also know that I cant control how he wants to be. I can't make him change his mind abt leaving me. And so the only thing that I can control is my thoughts. And that probably the only way forward - to change our thoughts, to change the way we think. But I also know that it's easier said than done... perhaps u have already read this before, but I always find this a good reminder to remind myself that what I'm going through is not unique to me. And that helps me feel less alone and gives me rays of hope that life can be, and will be better if we work towards moving on.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#1

Wrt your question, yes, i do have thoughts of dying too. But not so much of a suicide, i am too weak to kill myself. but I do have thoughts and "hopes" of accidents befalling onto me and killing me, like being in car accidents and etc... .it's crazy, but we all know how  painful this struggle  is.

Pls stay strong, pls continue seeing ur psychologist and keep posting here. Big hugs to you and hope u'll learn to love urself more.

I get what you are saying about the accidents. I also don't think I'm capable of taking my own life, not right now anyway, but often when I'm on the street or something I think: hey, maybe a car comes from the right and smashes me. Thanks for your kind words.

My first breakup with my BPDgf... was devastating, was about 30 yrs ago, we were seemingly getting serious, talking marriage, I thought things were going well, and she abruptly dumped me, wouldn't say why, only some lame stuff about "it's the best thing I can do for you"... and other cryptic comments. Then she showed up hanging on a neighbor of mine. I was livid, and hurt and couldn't take it. Considered shooting him, her, or myself. But didn't pull the trigger. She showed up again, did same hanging on ... .so I packed up my stuff, and moved 1500 miles away, leaving my family, friends, the city I grew up in... and her. Was 5 yrs before I felt normal (but still missed her)... and 10 before I thought I had moved on. After about 25 yrs she reached out to me and after talking to her on the phone... 100% of the feelings were back, the intense love, the hurt, the confusion. Ended up getting a divorce, and recycling in a hell I couldn't believe for about 3 yrs... been NC for 2 now.

So... I did not get that she was disordered the first time around... thought she was perfect and wonderful... she told me otherwise   , but I didn't want to believe her. She said that leaving me was the best thing she could do for me... .it was absolutely true... but I didn't believe it.

All the best things that happened to me in my life... .happened after she dumped me... I met my wife, we lived together, had a child, raised her... took trips, and lived life... real love, not the dreamy illusion that the BPD r/s was. For years I thought if only I had her back everything would be wonderful... .it wasn't, it was hell, hell so bad I have been seeing a T for 2 yrs to work past it. The breakup tore me up... it shattered illusions. I had a false self that held out to the world that I was fine, having a waif BPD mother and malignant NPD father didn't phase me... but it was ego, not reality. My BPDgf... mirrored and love bombed me till I took her for the soul mate I never had... thought she was perfect... but she was just mirroring me with my own ego image. When she dumped me every fear and hurt from childhood landed on me... .far out of proportion to the relationship ... in fact I had started questioning if I should really settle down with her, maybe I should date around... then she dumped me.

The problem wasn't what she did to me... .it was that I had ignored my own wounded core self, and she came around and pulled off all the band-aids, and made it hurt again. The sex was good, she hung on my every word like it was important (at first)... but fact is... she was disordered, and had I married her I would have been one of the 3 divorces she had... or worse yet, had a kid to have knock down dragout fights over from then on.

You are hurting, and going through grieving stages... is she is BPD... she isn't doing all that... but finding someone, anyone to mirror (act like)... and try to get to act as a stand in for her hypercritical parents. Chances are she is stuck in a loop and will do that good/bad push-pull with other people... endlessly. Twenty five years later, my pwBPD... was still at it.

The ego is what is devastated and involved in the r/s... .that is the false self. There is nothing genuine/authentic about the r/s. So long as you talk about the future, and dreams and that sort of thing... .it seems to work... but reality... now, relating with the pwBPD... is avoided at all cost. Mindfulness helps to stop fretting about the past, and making yourself miserable making up bleak futures to worry about. Get grounded in NOW, and most of your stress/pain will drop away. In time you will find out that losing a disordered partner is like losing a hemorrhoid. It is reason for joy, not ending it all.

I read your story somewhere else, yes, and I understand completely what you are saying. Myself, I've been through 10 recycles with her, and each and every time I thought that she was the one, that she was the person to make me feel better, that this time, things would be different. But after a short time, you realise they never will be. And still, I'd probably be down for another retry. It's good that my ex has a replacement now. It's safer for me. For my sake they should stay together forever.

[CloseToFreedom]

CloseToFreedom,

You are most certainly not alone in your thoughts and I'm sure that many others have felt the same way you do trying to cope with the pressures of a break-up, feelings of being alone, helpless and vulnerable. It's knowing where that line is drawn between having these thoughts and working through them and having them overwhelm us.

I've read many of your posts and comments and you appear by all intents and purposes to be on the right road to recovery, even your username has a positive vibe about it too. As you mentioned in your original post, you have a lot of good things going for you and find yourself in a place of support where others may not be as fortunate.

I also noticed from your posts that you have your family to talk to and some friends too. Have you discussed any of these feelings with your friends and family? If so, what was their view on the subject? As I know it can be difficult to talk to people close to you, have you spoken with a Therapist with regard to your situation, what you are going through right now and the thoughts and feelings you have been having? Sometimes it's good to speak to someone outside of the environment who has extensive knowledge and understanding of what you are going through and how you feel and help put things into perspective.

It can be very difficult to convey these feelings to people close to us which is why I'm glad you have raised the topic on the board as a discussion and been able to talk through your feelings and I hope it's helped bring some clarity to your situation too.

From a personal perspective, I've sat where you are but it wasn't down to r/s with pwBPD. My exgf abruptly stopped me from seeing my children because she had a new bf and didn't want any confusion. Everywhere I turned I hit a brick wall and every outcome seemed negative. To me it really felt like there was no point continuing. I couldn't speak to friends and family, especially my mother because we lost my step-father to suicide just 2 years before. It wasn't what I wanted to do but how I felt, without my children I felt my life wasn't worth continuing. I was marrried to exN/BPDw at the time so that certainly didn't help matters, if anything that made it worse, was suffering all kinds of abuse and she wasn't someone I could turn to for support either.

It was only when I started to process through my thoughts and feelings that I gained clarity. Take my own life and my exgf wins, my children will never know the truth, they are the ones who will be left with unanswered questions and most important of all, I would be giving up on them. I knew I wasn't strong enough to fight at that moment in time but what it did do was give me the determination to push past all of that and get myself to a position where I could fight for my children and that became my focus and my goal. Every road block became a challenge and every challenge accomplished provided strength. I'm sat here today, several years after hitting what was my rock bottom, away from my exN/BPDw, access to my children, great job, great friends and a much happier life. I know where my rock bottom was and without those feelings I would never have known the place I never want to end up in again.

You have a lot going for you, still young, a good job, your own house and comfortable enough to talk through your feelings. You have a great support network on here with many people offering great advice and we are always around for you should you ever need to talk or need to get something off your chest. I do feel it might also benefit you to speak to someone outside of your circle too as they would be able to provide a more non-objective view and offer you that extra support as well. My T was a rock for me and a huge impact on getting my strength back to make the positive changes I needed to in my life. 

It's so good to read that you had your kids to live for, what a magnificent story. I am glad that you got out of it. And yes, you are right, I have a lot going for myself and I need to remind myself more of it. I mean, I guess I even have my looks. Girls talk to me all the time and there have been multiple offers for some serious dating. I'm not ready though, not one woman interests me. Well, except for the ex of course.

Its strange how this relationship robs you from all of your self respect. I used to be pretty pleased with myself, with my job, my financial situation, my house, my looks. Now I've been robbed from that. I feel like I'm worth NOTHING. Like I'm the scum of the earth, like I am the worst possible guy a girl could get. Incredible.

Hi CloseToFreedom,

I had SI thoughts a couple of months after my ex left. Suicidal ideation often happens during depression. Depression chemically distorts thinking, so a person can't think clearly or rationally and are consumed with thoughts of hopelessness and helplessness. It's important to realize that it's not you - it's an imbalanced perception - its not your reality.

Have you talked to a MD about depression?

It's good to read this. Its good to think about it being something chemical in your body. Makes you rationalise things. I've talked about the images in my head with my doctor, yes, so I hope he takes it serious and will appoint me a T asap.

CloseToFreedom... .

Your level of self awareness and your level of honesty is refreshing and beautiful. Truly.

You, my man... .are going to be just fine... .

Keep walking... .baby steps is OK!

You have no idea how happy this posts made me, I even had to cry for a bit. When you feel like you're worth absolutely nothing, any compliment can make you smile, and this was a beautiful one. Thank you.

I felt suicidal when I woke up this morning - intruding thoughts of slitting wrists also - so you are not alone. For me also its a combination of things, not just the BPD-ex ending, but major workload that I cant get out of while I am going through major grieving - the combination is making me a bit crazy inside - like too much, cant handle it. But I got up I breathed, fed the cats, watered the flowers, made coffee... .feeling better ... .trying really hard to just keep saying this too shall pass. Also going to worst case scenarios and showing to myself that I can cope. Like, so you lose you job... .big deal you get another one. Trying to show myself that whatever happens happens and its going to be ok.

As others said, its an opportunity for some deep healing - hopefully at some point the intensity of the pain will taper off -

Sending love and encouragement.   

I send the same to you, I hope you will find peace as soon as possible and I also hope that all the advice people give in this topic will help you as well. We are not alone with these thoughts, and we will get out of it.

[CloseToFreedom]

I know those feelings all too well. When everything fell apart I thought about ending it all regularly.

But in all that turmoil and darkness there was this small light still burning. And I now know that this small light is what kept me from acting on these thoughts.

I now also know that this small light that kept me from acting is... .  My true self. Although it was barely noticeable and faint it proved to be incredibly strong. My core, my innermost strength, the love for myself. It kept me pushing through the pain and confusion when it really became tough. One minute at a time.

It is the same light that brought you here and writing about it.

Now that I'm feeling good again (probably better than ever before in my life) I understand what an incredible waste it would have been.

Focus on that small flame and you will emerge from this nightmare sooner than you might believe now and stronger than ever.

You got this.

I will focus on that small flame. I can feel it's there, I sometimes get glimpses of them. Sometimes its enough to feel a bit better for an hour - sometimes even a few hours.

CloseToFreedom,

One of my favourite activities is parachuting. I'm working through my licenses at the moment and when the world gets overwhelming for me, I take to the skies. Its perhaps the most therapeutic thing I have ever done on so many levels.

There is an intense fear associated with leaping into nothingness from 15,000ft. The fact that my life is completely in MY hands, I can choose to pull my chute or I can choose not to. The fact I'm writing this tells you what my choice is every time. No matter how bad things have been or how difficult the road ahead feels at that moment, I still reach back and pull that chord.

Mainly for the part that comes next. When your chute opens up above you, you realise just how alive you are. Both literally and figuratively. As you float through the clouds, there isn't a care in the world up there, nobody to bother you or to trouble you, its just you and your thoughts. Below you is where the problems lie, beneath your feet and at that height the world and all its problems appear a very small place. The sun is shining where you are, the warmth on your skin and the wind in your face and it feels so good to be alive and to put aside those issues for a brief moment. It reminds me that no matter how hard things can get, nothing can take away what is most important to you and that is yourself.

No matter how bad things get for me, I know I can follow the process through. Fear of the unknown, a choice which path to take and the intense feelings of joy and happiness for the decisions I make. For me personally parachuting always gives me the clarity I need and the strength to always do the right thing for me.

That sounds awesome. I need to find some new things to do that give me excitement. Unfortunately, because of how Im feeling, its already a big challenge to do the smallest of tasks, like getting out bed and to work, getting to the gym or meeting with friends in the weekend. I do all of that, but it costs a tremendous amount of energy. I don't think I'm ready yet to explore new activities.

CloseToFreedom,

I would also like to chime in here. There was a 2 month period when I still lived with her. It was after the break up, but before I moved out. I was looking for a place to live. It was the worst time in my life ever. I have never been treated so poorly by anyone in my life than I was in that 2 month period.

Anyhow, thoughts of suicide did pass through my head. I know that I wouldn't have done it, but the thoughts were there none the less. I do remember though that I wished that I wouldn't wake up in the morning many times in that 2 month period.

Once I moved out though, all of those thoughts were pretty much gone by the 30 day mark. That $hit doesn't even cross my mind anymore. I'm still sad sometimes. I'm still lonely sometimes. I'm still depressed sometimes. But I have realized that my ex is a NUT with a capital "N". I still have my issues, but I'm a great person, boyfriend, and father regardless of what that "nut" thinks about me or what she does with her life. She never deserved me and I deserved much better. The same can be said for most of us here. We have a worth much greater than we realize sometimes. Give it some time and stay strong bro!

That sounds horrible! Im glad to hear that once you moved out you felt better. That's the thing though, I'm still in this house I've bought specifically for living together, she's in her new appartment. While my house is in a better part of town and, well, actually a house, and a beautiful one at that, it feels less like making a 'fresh start' so to speak. I'll just have to get used to the ghosts in these walls.


Sorry for the extremely long post with multiple quotes, but I wanted to thank you all for your replies by also replying to you. I must have missed some posts, for which I am sorry: believe me that I read and re-read them all. It is so important right now to have a place like this to share feelings.

I've been thinking (actually, thats pretty much the only consistent thing I do since the break up), and I think the thing that's bringing me down and is making it hard for me to let go, is the question: was it me or her? You might say it doesn't matter, but it matters to me. I'm so scared that I've let a good thing go. I'm so scared that I've let my only chance on true happiness go. She was so passionate about me, especially in the early days, she hung onto my every word. And she was faithfull, at least thats the impression I got. And I mean, if you get back with someone for 10 times, someone must be really crazy about you, right? What I'm trying to say is, is that I keep having doubts if she was the one with a PD, or me. Maybe both. I don't know. The more I hung out with her, the more I became irritated. I've also been distant. Living together enlarged those two problems. But I'd like to think that was because she would drive me to be like that. I remember when I was home from work before her, and I heard the car park in front of the house, I would get anxious. I didn't know what to expect. But perhaps she had the same thing. I don't know. That insecurety, not knowing what was the cause of this highly toxic relationship, is really doing a number on me. If I could just say to myself: alright, she was bad news, she treated you badly, its for the better, you deserve better. But I can't, not for sure. For each argument that she was bad to me, there's a counter argument, a moment where she was good or where I was the bad person.

Well, that's it for now. I have a few hours until I hit the sack and have to work tomorrow again. I guess I'm going to try and do some writing. Thanks for reading and replying folks.

[Climbmountains91]

CloseToFreedom

Im sorry to hear your feeling this way but glad you reached out to us.

I have a lot of problems with suicide especially been given the diagnoses of BPD myself and being with a exBPD, the difference I'm one thats willing to seek help and be realistic and consistent about it (awaiting intense 3 days a week psychotherapy sessions which i cant wait to get my teeth into) and am constantly since the diagnoses recognising my behaviours and try and control it, obviously sometimes i get it wrong. Like recently since last october exBPD has got me back into a recycle since then everything's been ok but tonight i think were onto the next stage of the cycle, devaluation and dis regulation and I'm feeling that rejection and I'm thinking about suicide but I'm only human aswell with or without BPD. The push/pull his put me through last week he was so loving, we shared a passionate kiss and cuddle that was a big stage for him to progress to  i thought we were at a turning point as we were taking things slow, he was progressing but for the last week his been in a dark place and hasn't even given one thought about last week cause of his dark place in his head which i sympathise with but i just feel used, one min loving, next minute nothing. He just uses me that one day a week to actually get through the day so he ent alone i find anyway, theres other bits to this but i wont bore you with it. But all i can say is, it would lead anyone to think about suicide, there horrible relationships. I respect so much to the ones that stay right now

I hope you feel better soon. ((Hugs)).

[Turkish]

CTF,.as others have said, you're not alone in thinking like this. The depression due to a break-up with a pwBPD can be very severe. I had such thought in my r/s, as I felt so devalued and worthless because I couldn't live up to her expectations. Even with a baby and a toddler, I often had the thought of stripping off most of my garmets and walkng into the hills to die of exposure on a cold winter's night. I had set up everything financially. I wouldn't be missed... .but I knew I would be. But part of me didn't care: "I grew up without a father, and I made it, so will the kids." 

Though I thought this a lot, the feelings cycled. I hated thinking like that, but it was also addicting in a way, like I was validating myself by wallowing in my own pain. It's a tough cycle from which to break, but I realized it was a cycle. I'm a bit of a tough guy on the surface. Only weak people need support, and all of that.

I stayed with the T my Ex sent me to in order to get "fixed." I landed here around the same time 16 months ago, and my T and the wonderful members here helped center me. I even cried like a baby for months, more than I had in my entire life, and probably for the first time in well over 30 years since I was a child (I made a vow to never cry again due to no other person when I was about 12... .BPD mom, and years of severe bullying by my peers).

Keep posting and talking through it with us. We're all here for each other.  

[Infared]

Close to Freedom. ...

I have thought about this some more and have read your posts... .look... .you are an extremely sensitive person. Your posts are so insightful. I get that from you. I am going to go out on a limb a little here and state that when you are that sensitive ... .it is a little more difficult to go thru life than perhaps others... .we feel EVERYTHING more that a lot of people do... but you most likely have some incredible attributes that others do not Because of your innate sensitivity.  That situation has plus sides and minus sides... .and being VERY self aware of your sensitivity and owning it as a good, but fragile thing can help you avoid some hardships. We have to set very strong boundaries, keep them in place and also in a caring way communicate to others clearly about them... .this is loving ourselves.

PwBPD seek us out and ravage us. They suck our sensitivity out of us like a child drinking from a cup with a straw... .and when they hear the noise the straw makes at the bottom of the cup... .they discard us.

We need to learn to set boundaries that allow us to stay healthy, loved and far away from the emotional predators that are out there.  It takes practice, courage, patience and forgiveness with ourselves. I know you are in pain... .but try to let part of you look at this as a learning experience. 

[CloseToFreedom]

Close to Freedom. ...

I have thought about this some more and have read your posts... .look... .you are an extremely sensitive person. Your posts are so insightful. I get that from you. I am going to go out on a limb a little here and state that when you are that sensitive ... .it is a little more difficult to go thru life than perhaps others... .we feel EVERYTHING more that a lot of people do... but you most likely have some incredible attributes that others do not Because of your innate sensitivity.  That situation has plus sides and minus sides... .and being VERY self aware of your sensitivity and owning it as a good, but fragile thing can help you avoid some hardships. We have to set very strong boundaries, keep them in place and also in a caring way communicate to others clearly about them... .this is loving ourselves.

PwBPD seek us out and ravage us. They suck our sensitivity out of us like a child drinking from a cup with a straw... .and when they hear the noise the straw makes at the bottom of the cup... .they discard us.

We need to learn to set boundaries that allow us to stay healthy, loved and far away from the emotional predators that are out there.  It takes practice, courage, patience and forgiveness with ourselves. I know you are in pain... .but try to let part of you look at this as a learning experience. 

You are right, I have always been very sensitive about this sort of stuff. When my childhood love that I was in a relationship with for 9 years and I broke up because she cheated on me, it took me around a year to really get over it. Then I began this recent relationship. So I'm really not good in coping with my feelings alone.

I recognise so much in your post. It feels like she KNEW how sensitive and broken I was because of past happenings, well I told her pretty fast in the relationship as well, but its like she smelled it on me. And she gave me everything i wanted: she was sweet, very into me, and kept hammering on how faithfull she was. Of course, once I was fully engrossed in her she started changing.

CloseToFreedom

Im sorry to hear your feeling this way but glad you reached out to us.

I have a lot of problems with suicide especially been given the diagnoses of BPD myself and being with a exBPD, the difference I'm one thats willing to seek help and be realistic and consistent about it (awaiting intense 3 days a week psychotherapy sessions which i cant wait to get my teeth into) and am constantly since the diagnoses recognising my behaviours and try and control it, obviously sometimes i get it wrong. Like recently since last october exBPD has got me back into a recycle since then everything's been ok but tonight i think were onto the next stage of the cycle, devaluation and dis regulation and I'm feeling that rejection and I'm thinking about suicide but I'm only human aswell with or without BPD. The push/pull his put me through last week he was so loving, we shared a passionate kiss and cuddle that was a big stage for him to progress to  i thought we were at a turning point as we were taking things slow, he was progressing but for the last week his been in a dark place and hasn't even given one thought about last week cause of his dark place in his head which i sympathise with but i just feel used, one min loving, next minute nothing. He just uses me that one day a week to actually get through the day so he ent alone i find anyway, theres other bits to this but i wont bore you with it. But all i can say is, it would lead anyone to think about suicide, there horrible relationships. I respect so much to the ones that stay right now

I hope you feel better soon. ((Hugs)).

That's the thing though, I've been here before 2,5 years back when we split up. It was the longest split up between us up until then, around 2 months. In that time I almost lost my job, was depressed at home and also was about to start treatment with anti depressants. Of course, once she came back I didn't need it anymore: i was on top of the world again. She really used me in the first few months back together: I did EVERYTHING for her, to get her to accept me and for her to 'forgive' me for my 'past mistakes'. It was like a queen-slave relationship, insane.

CTF,.as others have said, you're not alone in thinking like this. The depression due to a break-up with a pwBPD can be very severe. I had such thought in my r/s, as I felt so devalued and worthless because I couldn't live up to her expectations. Even with a baby and a toddler, I often had the thought of stripping off most of my garmets and walkng into the hills to die of exposure on a cold winter's night. I had set up everything financially. I wouldn't be missed... .but I knew I would be. But part of me didn't care: "I grew up without a father, and I made it, so will the kids." 

Though I thought this a lot, the feelings cycled. I hated thinking like that, but it was also addicting in a way, like I was validating myself by wallowing in my own pain. It's a tough cycle from which to break, but I realized it was a cycle. I'm a bit of a tough guy on the surface. Only weak people need support, and all of that.

I stayed with the T my Ex sent me to in order to get "fixed." I landed here around the same time 16 months ago, and my T and the wonderful members here helped center me. I even cried like a baby for months, more than I had in my entire life, and probably for the first time in well over 30 years since I was a child (I made a vow to never cry again due to no other person when I was about 12... .BPD mom, and years of severe bullying by my peers).

Keep posting and talking through it with us. We're all here for each other.  

I sometimes am afraid as well that I put myself in this place of pain. I should just snap out of it. That's what other people tell me as well. The thing with depression though, as I've learned, is that the hard thing about a depression is that you are not just able to snap out of it on your own.

[dobie]

Nearly four months out and the suicidal thoughts are probably at their strongest , I'm already on anti - d and seeing a T .

I've struggled with depression all my life and I was in a good place last three years till she did what she did and triggered it .


Reason I don't do it ? I believe if I did I would only end up in hell so its not an escape plus the affect on my family .

[Wood stock]

I had to respond to you when I saw the "s" word. My fiancé committed suicide. I found him. Went through hell. His family blames me still. Blah blah blah. But guess what: when he did it, he thought he was making some statement... .but no one-I mean NO ONE will ever really know what the statement was BECAUSE HE IS DEAD now. Death is real. Death is FOREVER, and a suicide victim permanently looks like a fool. That's how people remember a suicide victim--whether right or wrong. I don't know your story, but stick around--you might AMAZE yourself at how much you grow and how much better of a person you become for getting through whatever you need to get through.

Now to empathize with you a bit, hasn't most everyone thought of suicide at some Point in their lives? That in and of itself doesn't make you weak or make you a bad person.  Your honesty is refreshing.

I will be watching to see if you post--don't know you but am kind of concerned.

[anxiety5]

My ex was very narcissistic. I'd never do that because in some sick twisted way, that would immortalize HER more than be viewed as a tragedy.

I can't ever imagine her thinking, oh my gosh, look what I did, how bad and awful I was, oh the guilt, I can't live with myself.

It would be more like, how sad. I devastated this guy. His love for me was so intense, when he couldn't have me anymore he didn't even want to be alive. That's how much influence I have on people.

I feel like she would probably talk higher about me if I killed myself, than just as an ex. Because if I killed myself she would want the object of her affection to appear to be totally normal, amazing and fantastic guy. Because it would make her power to influence someone so well grounded that much more powerful vs. if I were all the things she called me after I broke up with her.

[CloseToFreedom]

So, an update. I have an intake meeting upcoming Wednesday where we are going to look how I am going to be treated at a therapist.

After that, the waiting is 3 to 5 weeks. Although if I can't handle it anymore they might do something sooner.

Really on the edge these days, difficulty functioning normally in daily life.

[Infared]

So, an update. I have an intake meeting upcoming Wednesday where we are going to look how I am going to be treated at a therapist.

After that, the waiting is 3 to 5 weeks. Although if I can't handle it anymore they might do something sooner.

Really on the edge these days, difficulty functioning normally in daily life.

Hey CloseToFreedom... .

Thought I would check in again with you and reinforce some of what I said above... .

Look... .I can tell you you are not alone in how you feel.  I think the majority of people are most likely less emotionally sensitive than you.   I had the same issues with a childhood love.   Way over the top gushing... .completely devastated after... .and it has been that way my whole life.  I know that most people do not feel their emotions soo intensely.

(I am also a kickass photographer and most people cannot do that at the level that I do... .my sensitivity allows that on the positive side).  

What I had to learn was coping skills (some take medication and I am not in that school... .God made me this way... .so let her rip is my attitude). LOL!

Therapy is a good, good place to go... .just stay calm and go with it... .you will have fear... but you will laugh about that later! really... .Its just a process... .but remember, this is very important... .if you do not click with the therapist... its OK to ask for/find another one.  In a depress beat up state (and in my case with low self-esteem) its hard to evaluate a process that is new to you and then decide that it needs a change.  Patience is the best... .What happened with me is that I had a therapist that just was not helping me set and achieve goals... .so after some of the agony of the abandonment got to about an 8 (instead of defcom 20! LOL!)... .I sought out someone who was WAAAAAAAAAY better.  So all I am saying is be vigilant, see how you are feeling and hey... .its ok to speak up and take care of you.   At least you have an approx. date to look forward to... .

In the meantime just try to keep busy and talk about your feelings as much as you can and maybe journal...  I could not cope for months and months... .if you can imagine ... .I am like 6'1"  230lbs... .not young... .and I got a job in the winter doing construction in the cold and snow (actually that part was good for me ... .it got me out of myself and kept me in the moment)... but I was so broken and up set... .I would usually cry on my way to the job... .then had to put on Man-Face for the other guys and then let it all out again on the way home... .like I was saving it up all day... .it was brutal... .really brutal... I wish that upon no one.  ... .but I kept fighting to live life and move forward... even when I did not want to.  I met some REALLY cool people along the way too.  Stellar.

You will get better... .and it is FANTASTIC that you have a supportive family and that you are being honest with them.  That is a HUGE ace in the hole!  

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks for the support Infared.

Finally, its almost wednesday, then I'll have my intake conversation with the T. I will make it clear to him that I am having great difficulty just coping with daily life. I'm really hanging on with all that I've got now, but its getting harder. So here's hoping they get me some help fast.