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Author Topic: Your first post: looking back and assessing your growth  (Read 1452 times)
Ziggiddy
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« on: January 23, 2015, 01:27:48 AM »

At the end of every year, my kids measure themselves against a book case and see how much they've grown.

It's not as easy to measure personal growth.

One way I've thought of is to have a look at my first post and see the difference now.

I would invite you to do the same.

Maybe even post it here in this thread or start your own new topic.

Perhaps compare your first post to your last one.

I hope you share what you find!

Zigz
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Ziggiddy
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« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2015, 01:32:11 AM »

Here's mine:


Hi I am 44 year old female who has recently worked out what it is that has been causing me the suffocating fear and irrational emotional effects of my mother's behaviour - she has all the classic symptoms of BPD. Extreme hoarding, binge eating, eating out of code food, binge shopping, impulsivity, changing plans, unable to regulate emotions, crying "I'm abandoned!' all the frickin' time,  negative extreme response to benign situations (eg a friend lent her a portable oven till she got her oven fixed. 2 years later the friend asked for the oven to be returned or replaced. BPD mother hits the roof calling her a 'snake' evil, that the friend is responsible for her (the friend's) husband having Asperger's and concluding with 'she's dead to me now'. Wth? There was plenty of emotional problems the one that bothered me most was 'stealing' form me - my achievements were because I was 'her child - had her brains' which is why I was good at school. Or "Why doesn't that guy like me, Mum?" It's because you need to lose weight. When I was YOUR age I'd already had 4 boyfriends' "Giving birth was traumatic mum, can i talk to you about it? "Oh you should have seen how hard it was to give birth to you - my labour was longer, worse and etc" Oh but I'm only telling you this to let you know I understand (me me me) Mum it hurts me when you can't hear me - please can you listen to me" Oh you're just oversensitive and defensive

My losses and pain were batted away in those years as easily as my wishes in these.

There was physical abuse - beltings leaving welts dragged around by the ears, brother and I having our skulls banged together etc but more painful was them coming in at night when i was in bed to explain why I deserved the punishments all rational like and reassured that this was proof of love. Wth again.

Anyway I am on the cusp of wanting to change things but I am gripped by this irrational panic inducing fear when i try to even consider a plan. I feel like a kid and no amount of self talk seems to get around it. Is there a way to start getting over it? I have read reams and feel empowered with knowledge but not to act! Help! How do I let go of the notion that I am a child and she is coming for me and I can't escape.

Today.

Well I can see that some of this stuff STILL bothers me but the best thing is I don't have an irrational fear of her discovring what I have said here the way I did when I posted this.

For days I obsessed over it in a paranoid way. Now i even leave copies of "Emotioanlly Absent Mothers" and "Toxic Parents" lying around my house if she comes to visit.

My house now feels like my house.

My marriage no longer has her in it.

Hmmm. I have come further than I thought, but still stuck in some frustrated areas.

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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2015, 08:33:15 PM »

Ziggiddy,

This post caused me to wonder how long ago it was that I became a member and what did I say? So I went back and can't believe it was only a year ago this month that I joined, actually mid January. Here's my 2nd post a few days after I joined:

Thank you for your warm welcome to me! I've been reading a lot of things on this site and Wow! So much! Brings back memories that I need to have and work through, helps with understanding, tells me I still have a long ways to go but I'm not alone with so many of you having gone through the same thing. I won't discredit myself though for all the progress I've made. One thing that really helps is to see that others here are farther in the journey and they freely and openly talk about the abuse we've all experienced. My relationship with my uBPD mom is still unfolding in my mind. A few months ago I kept asking my safe people what abuse is because life was so normal to me as a child and I couldn't wrap my head around the facts that said I was abused. All the ways I react to almost everything and everyone in my life says pretty clearly, "You were abused." Just getting to this place has been a huge step for me.

I have so many many holes in my memory and life. Sometimes I wish I could remember more, then other times I'm scared to death to remember what I only have snippets of being able to recall. Those have been scary enough.

Now:  I can hardly believe it was a only year ago that I was asking these questions, and now to already have discovered so much more. I really have come a long way too!

Thanks, 

Wools
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« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2015, 10:51:44 PM »

Hi Ziggidy,

Really good thread!

So, here is my first post, March of last year.

My mother and at least one sibling that I can identify as having BPD. Neither one has ever been formally diagnosed, but after reviewing the literature, they definitely fit the criteria. My father would be considered narcissistic, and I have two other siblings with other mental health issues. I still feel like I am the crazy one! I have spent my adult years attempting to placate all of them, feeling guilty, and believing them when they told me I was the problem, or it was my fault that they were angry. I do not have contact with them at this point, and feel in a really calm, and comfortable place. I am still plagued with old, negative messages. I recently had contact with one sibling, and everything seemed to be going well in our conversations until she told me that I had underlying reasons for saying what I did and that she could tell that I had contempt for her. This was in response in her asking my opinion on the situation with her adult son still living at home. Everything I say to all of my family members get turned around and twisted. I have felt like Alice in Wonderland looking through the mirror to the other side of the normal world wondering why I was in such a place, and feeling unworthy to step through the mirror to the other side. It took many years to finally realize that I deserved to be on the other side, without my family. I came to understand that it was a choice on their part to stay in the Twilight Zone. It has been a painful journey to realize that there was nothing I could do to help any of them. I tried in vain for twenty years to get my mother in therapy. You can imagine how that went, given her mood swings between rage, depression, and devaluing. My one sibling now thinks that it was aliens that abused all of kids. I am at a loss with my family, and feel guilty at times for not being able to help them. I feel strange that I don't think the way do, nor do I look at people or the world the way they do. I have come here to get support from others who have been raised by a parent with BPD and to share our stories. I hope to learn from your experiences and hopefully find some peace of mind.




Hmmm. In reading over my first post, I can see that my perspective has really shifted in less than a year. I credit this to this site, my therapist, and lots of introspection on my part. I did want to help my family because I had this childlike faith that if they would just get healthy, we could be a happy family. The family I always wanted. I can see that I spent a lot of time grieving for something that never was, and never will be. I can also say that I needed to get my story out. I needed for others to know what it was like having one parent with BPD and the other NPD, as well as two siblings that also have mental health issues. I really needed to support, and I got it! What really has changed for me is that I no longer grieve for something I don't have. I don't have wishful thoughts of a reunion where we all meet and tearfully embrace, promising to never leave each other again.

I don't have many dreams about them anymore. I used to have a lot of dreams about my family and it would always leave me feeling empty and sad.

What hasn't changed is that I still have a more optimistic attitude about life than my family. Recently, my oldest sister called a dear friend of mine to check on my daughter. She explained that she was concerned that my daughter might have been on the Air Asia flight that went down recently. I found it odd that she would contact this friend and not me. Then I discovered that she had contacted me through social media. She asked if both of us were doing okay. I told her that everything was fine. I updated her on where I was and where my daughter was living and then I asked if everything was okay with her. No response. This would have bothered me in the past, but now, it doesn't register on my emotional radar because there is no emotional connection with her. For today, I don't worry about her lack of response. Will I always feel this way? I think it would be foolish for me to project into the future how I might feel about my FOO. Today is what I focus on, and that is enough.

Oh, and I don't feel that I am crazy!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2015, 02:57:34 AM »

<APPLAUDING> Bravo ladies So happy to hear you have found improvements and that it helps to know that.

Wools I am glad you are filling in  your memory bit by bit and your emotions are strengthening.

I recall you being scared to be angry at times and now you seem more comfortable with it than before.

Clljhns that is so great that you have not been triggered by your sister's not getting back to you. You must have learned some things that have shifted your perspective and that is heart warming.

i am inspired.

Last night I got to thinking how scared I was of my mother. Even thinking bad thoughts about her would make my heart race. And yet 2 days ago I stood my ground and asserted my boundary and even got an apology. Sad thing was she acknowledged what she did wrong and then acknowledged that she'd done it wrong over and over and even she said  "that instead of taking responsibility I just thought about the things YOU have done wrong. Even though that's not the issue"

0.0

WOW she knew. SHE KNEW.

But in the end the main thing was that I spoke up. that means that even though I'm scared the fear no longer has to paralyse me.

And that means a LOT  to me.
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« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2015, 01:47:12 PM »

Bravo to you too, Ziggiddy!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Look at how far you've come as well.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm so thankful I'm in this journey with you all, that we are cheering each other on. It's good that we stop and take a glance behind at the ground we've gained, both through our own back breaking hard work and the encouragement of fellow sojourners.

Good job!

Wools
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« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2015, 04:49:40 PM »

Zig, after reading this post yesterday, I went back to read my first few posts but ended up reading almost all of them (just ~ 10 pages to go!).  I came here to work on 'some lingering issues' and 'brush up' on things like boundaries, self-validation and to peel back some more layers in terms of healing (and I found a typo that is very annoying... .pealing instead of peeling   ) and to figure out why I am so quick to go into fight mode after a few years of having a handle on things. 

I almost want to write that in some ways I have regressed but that is not really accurate.  I think it relates to the thread Kwamina wrote--- "People Seldom See Themselves Changing".  I had changed a while before I got here.  I used to have a twinkle or a spark to me and I lost it as the world got grey again.  I think I had gone as far as I could with the work and healing I had already done but it took me a while to figure that out.  I got caught up in life circumstances and in some ways I did not want to think of the past.  I wanted to think I was done with it... .  LOL  Now, I still wish I were done with it all, but I have accepted that for me, recovery will be a daily choice for me.  I'm okay with that.

So I don't feel like I have changed a whole lot but I have certainly peeled back a layer or two and have begun dealing with deeper layers of emotions and understanding.  I am definitely more in touch with my feelings and more aware of problem areas so that is a huge plus for me.    I am also convinced now that I will come out of this round a bit wiser and ready for even more of life thanks to this place.

Like Wools said, I am very pleased with the company here.  The support, understanding and encouragement is so vital.  Watching people open up and conquer long held fears, gain perspective, find a missing piece, or regain a sense of balance is so encouraging and I love watching it all.

So thank you and well done to all of you!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2015, 09:55:58 PM »

It's inspiring to read all of your stories!

"When the most important things in our life happen we quite often do not know, at the moment, what is going on. A man does not always say to himself 'Hullo! I'm growing up!' It is often only when he looks back that he realizes what has happened and recognizes it as what people call 'growing up.'" C.S. Lewis

Thank you Ziggiddy for the idea of looking back in this positive way!

I had primarily joined here because of my step-daughter, but on a parallel track I was also already undergoing an intense period of growth and discovery and looking at my FOO (uBPDm, NPD-traits dad, uBPD brother and possibly uBPD grandma  . I am the most grateful to God - it all happened at the perfect timing when I was ready. And I am grateful for all of you guys for continual inspiration, sharing, learning and support.

Here is my first post (quite focused on my pwBPD, isn't it?):

Hi everyone. New to this site, found out about a year ago my stepdaughter, 31 has BPD (undiagnosed). We realized that all was not in the normal range of crazy, when things started getting really crazy last year, and escalated into a total NC mode with her dad with terrible accusatory e-mails every few months (they were so close for as long as I can remember). We started looking for answers and literally stumbled upon the "eggshells" book.

Read a lot of the books since, but can't find an answer to one question: when your BP has suddenly, entirely devalued you (and I mean totally), and completely rejects you (for what you supposedly did in the past and for who you supposedly are in their eyes), is there a way to - so to speak - flip them back?

Thanks for all your comments


I was also still quite resentful of all the sacrifices we had made, and angry that I allowed myself to be trapped by another dysfunctional person after 'escaping' my parents' grip. My boundaries were ... .well, what boundaries? Being cool (click to insert in post)

Today:

I have come to terms with my SD's mental illness and the fact that she might never get better.

I never felt awkward about the fact that I am so much younger than my husband because I come from a different culture and we are culturally 'peers' (I am in my 40s, but grew up in a culture that was 15-20 years behind the West); but I did use to feel awkward about other people looking at us and pre-judging us based on the "old guy/blond bimbo" or "daddy/daughter" stereotypes. I don't feel defensive about that any more. People that know us, know better, and people that don't don't matter.

I still have things that I struggle with and learn about and areas of self-discovery and growth - a life-long process, I suspect, but I have finally come to a place where I feel comfortable within my own skin, and finally feel "mature" and "adult" as a person.

My self-talk has changed to a more positive nurturing one (most of the time), even through stressful, new or fear-inducing situations.

I can finally laugh at myself when I make a mistake (I used to be terrified of the possibility and mortified if I messed up) and understand that making mistakes is human.

I needed an intense season of focusing on me, me, me, and I feel that that season is coming to a close, and I can focus on what's out there in a new/better way.
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Kwamina
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« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2015, 01:47:57 PM »

It's not as easy to measure personal growth.

One way I've thought of is to have a look at my first post and see the difference now.

I would invite you to do the same.

Maybe even post it here in this thread or start your own new topic.

Perhaps compare your first post to your last one.

This is a great idea Ziggidy Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Here's my first post from two years ago:

Excerpt
I always knew that there was something seriously wrong with my mother but I just never knew what. Her behavior had a very negative influence on me growing up and when I was a young adult. For many years I lived alone with her and the way she treated me when we were alone was very different from the way she acted when other people were around. This made it nearly impossible for me as a child to tell other people about her behavior because they just wouldn’t believe it and I also started questioning my own perceptions of reality because the two sides of my mother were so extremely different. Every time I felt good about myself or was enthusiastic about something, she always made negative comments. I always felt very much on guard because she could turn on me any moment. At crucial points in my life like my first week at the university, she completely exploded on me and raged like she had never done before and blamed and accused me of all sorts of things. I experienced depression at a very young age, there are several factors that contributed to this but I’ve come to realize that it was mainly a result of the way my mother treated me. When I was in my teens my mother was shortly treated by a psychiatrist but after he got sick and died, she unfortunately didn’t seek any further treatment by anyone else. In her mind her psychiatrist falling ill was a sign that she shouldn’t do this or that everything always goes bad for her. In her mind there’s nothing wrong with her but everyone else is crazy.

I’m 31 years old now and a few years ago I read an article by Andrea E. Lamont about mothers with borderline personality disorder. This was a turning point in my life because I recognized a lot of my own experiences in her writings. For the first time I realized that I’m not the only one going through this. It was very strange and liberating at the same time to read this article by someone who had never talked to me or any of my family members, yet still accurately described many of my own experiences. Since then I’ve read several great books about borderline personality disorder and depression that have helped me a great deal. I’m feeling much better now than I used to, which is amazing because I still have a lot of very difficult days. This made me realize for the first time how deeply depressed I had truly been al those years. To survive I had partly cut myself off from my real emotions because it was just too much for me to handle. Now that I’m recovering it feels like I’m connected with my true emotions again and this is sometimes really overwhelming because I’m re-experiencing a lot of my past trauma’s. The difference now is that although it’s very hard and painful, I’m able to feel the way I feel now without breaking down and sinking into depression and I’m also able to talk about it now. Well this is enough for now

I have actually gone back several times since I joined here to take a look at my first post. What always strikes me is how balanced and composed I seemed when writing it because I didn't feel like that at all at the time  I guess what helped me tell my story like that was that I had found this site more than a year before actually joining here. In that time before joining I had done a lot of work and been reading about BPD and applying cognitive behavioral techniques to 'combat' my negative thoughts that caused me depression and anxiety.

I was very hesitant of joining an online forum and like many found writing the first post very scary. But look at me now, two years later and the blue bird has made his nest here  The main reason that I decided to join when I did was that I was experiencing major neck and shoulder issues as a result of the stress caused by my BPD relatives. The tension and sharp pain in my neck and shoulders was a clear sign to me that I needed to take further action if I wanted to heal myself.

As I look at myself now I think a big difference is that 2 to 3 years ago I was primarily focused on my BPD relatives and fighting off my depression. These are still issues I deal with but I do see that I've grown a lot and nowadays a lot of my focus is on changing the way I interact with people in general, not just my family-members. Being raised in a BPD environment also greatly effected how I was able to deal with people outside of my family. I had been aware of that for quite some time but at some point I was really able to see it clearly. A major turning point for me was realizing that all the techniques I have learned here are also very effective when dealing with people outside of my family, whether they have a personality disorder or not. In fact, I've come to realize that the skills required to deal with personality disordered people can be classified as highly advanced life skills that most 'regular' people really haven't developed that much at all. So after all these years I can actually say that being raised in a BPD environment has in some ways given me a competitive advantage Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2015, 12:14:19 AM »

Harri  -I relate to what you say about losing your spark - I remember thinking at times I wish i hadn't learned about this whole BPD thing because the aftermath is that I have lost so much joy.

Ok my joy may not have been a comfortable relieving sort of calm happy feeling - more like a manic, frenzy of cackle but it was FUN.

I have though found lately my sense of humour returning in some ways.

I was reading a story I started to write about a year ago and I was howling with laughter - it really is amusing but then I thought hey, i don't write like this anymore. it's all sombre and serious.  It has had the effect of making me want to spend more time looking at funny pictures on the internet and reading funny stories. I am now looking for a better balance.

I had primarily joined here because of my step-daughter, but on a parallel track I was also already undergoing an intense period of growth and discovery and looking at my FOO (uBPDm, NPD-traits dad, uBPD brother and possibly uBPD grandma  ). I am the most grateful to God - it all happened at the perfect timing when I was ready. And I am grateful for all of you guys for continual inspiration, sharing, learning and support.

I actually feel exACTly the same Pessopt. My 'awakening' came at the very time my mother was overseas for 2 months and her influence over me was less. Had I been in her sphere, it may not have got through to me. i think God had a strong hand in how it all became visible too. Not a moment too late or a moment too soon.

And I am grateful for all of you guys for continual inspiration, sharing, learning and support.

I also am still in wonder at the validation, the constant validation of members here. it's like nothing I've ever seen. if there's one thing BPD's produce, it's friends/family who know how to empathise and care.I am so proud to be part of this group and incredibly grateful to be heard. Finally.

Kwamina - your first post DOES seem so balanced. Do you think you worded it that way as a bit of an attempt to mask your feelings or was it quite unconscious?

Although when you mentioned your past traumas more vulnerability peeked through between the feathers!

I love your point about dealing with BPD gave you advanced life skills! I am going to think more on that. After all we do become very very adept at reading people and pre-empting threat don't we?

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« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2015, 12:19:11 AM »

So, here is my first post, March of last year.

In reading over my first post, I can see that my perspective has really shifted in less than a year. I credit this to this site, my therapist, and lots of introspection on my part. I did want to help my family because I had this childlike faith that if they would just get healthy, we could be a happy family. The family I always wanted.

What really has changed for me is that I no longer grieve for something I don't have. I don't have wishful thoughts of a reunion where we all meet and tearfully embrace, promising to never leave each other again.

Today is what I focus on, and that is enough.

Oh, and I don't feel that I am crazy!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

What a great move forward in such a short time, cj!

It's funny you know, i ahve had these nice daydreams about being in other people's families and embraced and accepted but ... not my own ... .hmm. i wonder why? I think fantasy and daydreams are a great way to access what really matters to us - they draw up what's really in the heart.

And it is a great GREAT feeling to stop feeling like you are the crazy one!
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« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2015, 02:22:42 AM »

Kwamina - your first post DOES seem so balanced. Do you think you worded it that way as a bit of an attempt to mask your feelings or was it quite unconscious?

I think it was deliberate, in fact I know it was very deliberate  I spend a lot of time 'perfecting' the text before I posted it, I also didn't want to trigger other people. The fact that I had already been applying cognitive behavior techniques also helped me be more balanced when I finally decided to join up here and I had also already read 'Understanding the borderline mother' twice.

Although when you mentioned your past traumas more vulnerability peeked through between the feathers!

Well you know, no matter how hard you try to cover things up, the truth will always find a way to shine through
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« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2015, 07:36:27 AM »

Hi y'all

Ziggiddy started this great thread about measuring personal growth a few months ago. I want to invite others to also take a look back at their first post(s) on here and then to consider where you are today. Perhaps it can help to ask yourself some questions:

1. When you look at your first post(s) and compare it to your current situation, can you see any positive changes in your life? If you can, what are those changes and how did they come about?

2. Are there any areas of your life you would still like to improve? If so, what are those areas and do you have any ideas to achieve the improvements you are seeking?

Particularly for the members who during their childhood had to deal with BPD family-members, the following questions might also be helpful:

3. When you look at the survivors' guide for adult children who suffered childhood abuse to the right of this message board, where do you feel you are at this moment?

4. When you look back at your first post(s) on here, where would you place yourself on the survivor's guide when you first joined here?

I've found this a very helpful and inspirational thread and hope that it will also be for many others.

Take care

Kwamina
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« Reply #13 on: April 25, 2015, 01:48:19 PM »

May 7, 2014 - It's been almost a year for me too

I'm not sure where I fit in and how I can support my boyfriend. 

I am better at supporting my boyfriend because I have a better understanding of BPD and it's dynamics.  Since we both come here we have developed a common language and strategies when dealing with the uBPDxw.  We are a better team.  I am also more secure in my role as his partner.

We have been together for almost 4 years and I have watched as his ex has made accusations of abuse, wage a campaign of parental alianation, use is children as weapons against him, lie about jobs she didn't have, watch her be evicted 3 times so far, lie to everyone (her own children included), and cause pain, and chaos wherever she goes.

The uBPDxw's life has continued to spiral down.  Very unfortunate and difficult for her daughters and my SO who is doing his best to support his daughters both emotionally and physically.  I have learned that I don't have to be the "Rescuer" and help when asked which is healthier for me

I started out confused, then got angry, and now I'm just exhausted by it all.  I can't effect any real change (I've never even met his ex) and at this point I often find myself wanting to run.  Not from my boyfriend but from his ex and the children she uses to hurt him.  Is there a way to separate my life with him from the rest?

Don't buy the rationalization I was really... .really... .ANGRY!  I also of course know now that there was/is no separating my SO from his family... .but I do still really enjoy it when I get him all to myself 

Is anyone else in this situation and how have you negotiated your way through it all?

There's a tiny little loaded question with an answer that could take years!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

My honey has set boundries with his ex where he can but she still uses the children to enter his life and that is where I also have trouble.  I have a hard time separating the children from their mother so I end up keeping my distance from them.  Intellectually I know they are just kids and are being used and manipulated by their mother and I also understand that they probably have to negotiate their way around their mother too, but I don't trust them.  In my real life I don't allow people I don't trust in, but these are my boyfriend's children and I want to trust them and care about them.  I am very conflicted when it comes his kids. 

The older daughter's upcoming H.S. graduation sent me into a tailspin.  I want to be there to support her and her dad but don't ever want to meet or be anywhere near the ex.( I have a lot of anger towards her). So my choices are to go and leave without everyone else (this feels like slinking away to me) or have to meet and spend time with the ex, which is repelent to me so I just took myself out of the whole thing and declined the invitation... .  which also doesn't feel good.  Because of my conflicted emotions about graduation I blew up at my boyfriend and this isn't his fault.

What I realized and didn't want to admit at the time was that I just really didn't like his daughters because of their association with mom and how they treated  their dad and me.  I have since learned that mom told them that dad was having an affair with me when they were married and that he was leaving her for me.  They felt abandoned by him and it was my fault.  I was correct when I talked about how they had to negotiate their mom and over the last few months we have been slowly finding out how much.

He and I have since talked and have decided to hit the reset button and just be boyfriend and girlfriend.  He is going to try and keep me out of the day to day crazy and I am not going to try and fix everything or keep trying to force things with his kids.  For now this will have to do but I don't think it's a long term solution. He is a terrific guy who has struggled, grown and learned so much in the past several years... .  He's totally worth it.

I did stop trying to force things with his daughters which was a good thing it took the pressure off of all of us and we have gradually in small pieces have been getting to know each other better. (they no longer believe the affair story) We all live 40 miles apart so I have started emailing back and forth with D18 we both feel more comfortable getting to know each other in writing. Emailing has helped in real life because we now have a little bit of shared history so are able to have more comfortable conversations in person.  D14 has always been easier for me to connect with and I have been spending more time with her too.  So we make slow but steady progress

Thank you for any advice.

I came here looking for advice on how to fix everyone and everything but instead have ended up on a journey looking at myself.  I have realized that I have a history of being a "Rescuer", a history of "people pleasing", a history of "controlling", a history of codependence, and poor self esteem.  I have been working on all of those things here.  At some point it became less about my SO's uBPDxw and more about me.

I really appreciate and have found it helpful to receive feedback from others it isn't always easy to hear but growth comes with being challenged and questioned about our long held views.  I have learned that I don't have to do all the things I listed above that it's okay to let others make mistakes and learn from them, that it's not my job to fix everything and everyone, that it isn't selfish to put myself first sometimes and I am a funny, creative, smart, caring person and pretty cute for a 51 year old!

Do I still get angry?  Yep, but it is more short lived and not as all encompassing as it was when I first arrived. I feel more secure about who I am and as an extension feel more secure in all of my relationships.  The tools and skills I've learned here have been helpful in interactions at work, as a parent, and as a friend. 

I appreciate everyone that shares here.  I have gained insight into how my SO's daughters see things from the"Coping Board"  , I have gained communication skills from the "Coparenting Board", I gained insight into my SO from the "Relationship Boards"... .I could go on and on but maybe the biggest thing has been learning to love myself.
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« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2015, 10:31:40 AM »

Hi Panda39

Thanks for your awesome reply!

I came here looking for advice on how to fix everyone and everything but instead have ended up on a journey looking at myself.  I have realized that I have a history of being a "Rescuer", a history of "people pleasing", a history of "controlling", a history of codependence, and poor self esteem.  I have been working on all of those things here.  At some point it became less about my SO's uBPDxw and more about me.

I really appreciate and have found it helpful to receive feedback from others it isn't always easy to hear but growth comes with being challenged and questioned about our long held views.  I have learned that I don't have to do all the things I listed above that it's okay to let others make mistakes and learn from them, that it's not my job to fix everything and everyone, that it isn't selfish to put myself first sometimes and I am a funny, creative, smart, caring person and pretty cute for a 51 year old!

Do I still get angry?  Yep, but it is more short lived and not as all encompassing as it was when I first arrived. I feel more secure about who I am and as an extension feel more secure in all of my relationships.  The tools and skills I've learned here have been helpful in interactions at work, as a parent, and as a friend.  

I appreciate everyone that shares here.  I have gained insight into how my SO's daughters see things from the"Coping Board"  , I have gained communication skills from the "Coparenting Board", I gained insight into my SO from the "Relationship Boards"... .I could go on and on but maybe the biggest thing has been learning to love myself.

You've grown a lot in this last year Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) and I am very happy for you that you've made this progress Smiling (click to insert in post) I really like what you say about that it at some point became less about your SO's uBPDxw but more about yourself and that maybe the biggest thing you've taken away from here has been learning to love yourself.

At what point exactly do you feel like it started to be more about you and working on yourself? And what do you feel were the biggest obstacles that before had prevented you from truly loving yourself? How have you been able to start overcoming these obstacles and love yourself?
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« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2015, 05:59:31 PM »

While I posted a response before, I thought I'd respond to Kwamina's second set of questions because I have been pondering on that very thing recently.

3. When you look at the survivors' guide for adult children who suffered childhood abuse to the right of this message board, where do you feel you are at this moment?

4. When you look back at your first post(s) on here, where would you place yourself on the survivor's guide when you first joined here?

In the past few weeks I've discovered myself slipping into step #7 because I'm finally able to very clearly recognize and hear and listen to my inner child. It's been rather astonishing actually, to hear the things she has to say. She's been much more present, and what she says is very revealing. As a result, I also find myself going back to the beginning, into portions of step 1, then trying to figure out more of step 2 (as relates to my father's abusing us), which then leads me into some of the other steps. How interesting it has been for me to step away from the focus on my uBPDm and begin to look at the part my father played in my childhood abuse as well. Like someone said in another thread, the steps are not necessarily linear. Definitely a back and forth process for me. I wonder in my own way if my father's illness/recent lymphoma diagnosis hasn't sent me into one of the 'crisis' times which has changed my focus for a while. I've always felt I needed to explore his part in my abuse issues. After all, he did chose to marry my uBPDm.

When I first joined the board, I was at step 2, figuring out if I was abused by my uBPDm. My T has told me that often in therapy we first discover the facts of the situation, then later we go back and may walk through the feelings of the situation. I had told him, "I've been here before, dealing with this issue. Why am I back here again?" I think that explains some of the layers of healing and discovery typical of healing from childhood abuse.

Wools
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« Reply #16 on: May 22, 2015, 09:55:15 PM »

You've grown a lot in this last year Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) and I am very happy for you that you've made this progress Smiling (click to insert in post) I really like what you say about that it at some point became less about your SO's uBPDxw but more about yourself and that maybe the biggest thing you've taken away from here has been learning to love yourself.

At what point exactly do you feel like it started to be more about you and working on yourself? And what do you feel were the biggest obstacles that before had prevented you from truly loving yourself? How have you been able to start overcoming these obstacles and love yourself?

Hi Kwamina,

I've been mulling over what to post here that wasn't a mini-novel because I've really been on my journey since 2009 (since I made the decision to leave my marriage) and have been growing steadily since then. Coming here has been a happy happenstance that has helped me see some things in new ways and be able to better articulate some things.  

My biggest obstacle has always been myself... .fear, low self esteem, inflexibility, stuck in my own rationalizations... .did I say fear? Fear of being hurt, fear of failing, fear of rejection, fear of letting people down... .

Things gradually shifted from my SO's uBPDxw to me as I mixed in posts about my various relationships in amongst the posts about the ex.  I was also reading about other people's relationships as an "outside" observer.  Gradually I began to see my own relationships from a different perspective.  I generally looked at how I treated each boyfriend/husband and I looked at each relationship individually.  What started happening as I posted about my relationships in different threads, I began looking at my relationships as a whole and saw some interesting things. I have been rescuing "lost boys with good hearts" my whole life.  I have been in several codependent relationships the longest my 20 year marriage to an alcoholic. One relationship got physically abusive... .he might have been a pwBPD.  

I've always focused on how I have treated my SO's but I ignored how they treated me. I didn't matter only they did. (Can we all say Low self esteem!)

My current relationship is my healthiest in part because I have a healthier partner and partly because I'm working on myself and consciously decided to look for a different kind of partner. I deserve someone that loves me, cares for me, and shows me.  I deserve someone that is a Partner! not a "lost boy" that I have to take care of.  

I have learned to care for myself (reinforced often on this site  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)) and that doing things for me isn't being selfish... .it's taking care of me and it is okay. (better self esteem  )  So if I'm too tired to have my SO come over for a visit rather than have him over because I think he'll be hurt if I don't (my old MO) I will tell him that I'm tired and need a day to re-charge my batteries.  I get my rest, I'm not resentful for doing something I didn't want to do, and I'm much better company when I see him next. What's really nice is that I have a partner that understands and loves me enough to put his needs aside for mine sometimes.

So some reflecting on my past has been helpful in how I approach my present and listening to advice posted on these boards has helped coach me towards better interactions in all of my relationships.  Because of skills learned here I am better at standing up for myself, asking for what I want, asking for what I need and articulating those things in a mature way. I'm getting braver at advocating for myself (better self esteem  Smiling (click to insert in post))

I have also learned that I do not have to automatically accept my mother's opinion of me.  She is not a pwBPD but she has been very invalidating. (I have gone LC with her and she hasn't even noticed   her loss) I accept that she will never be the mother I want her to be (radical acceptance  Idea) and that I will never be the daughter that she wants me to be.  I no longer need to keep trying to be something I'm not and beating myself up.  I am different from who she wants me to be but that does not mean I'm bad or defective or stupid it just means I'm me!  I'm loveable,  I'm deserving of, I'm worth it, I'm a good person, I'm a good mom, I'm a good friend... .I love me  

How have I learned to love myself?  I don't believe my inner critic anymore... .Hark!  I think I hear my mother's voice, the hurtful boyfriends, the alcoholic exhusband... .Oh wait they are fading away  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Instead my life is filled with people that like me just the way I am and so do I.

I appreciate the toolbox this site has provided me to better help support my SO and his daughters regarding his uBPDxw.  But I have always felt like I belong here on my own somehow too, not just as the SO of someone with a uBPDxw.  So many issues talked about here reach out beyond BPD into all relationships... .forgiveness, heartbreak, love, parenting, divorce, self love, religious beliefs, moral beliefs, self improvement, self-discovery, dating etc... .

So I just keep on movin' on, and hopefully I help someone else on the way.  
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« Reply #17 on: May 23, 2015, 05:19:26 AM »

It's my uBPDw, and not a parent/sibling, but I stumbled upon this in the "unread posts" section, and figured I'd go back and see what I wrote last September.

I'm now in the process of mediating the finances in prep for filing a divorce.  She's been out of state since February, and I realized with her gone that I was happier.

Gomez

Excerpt
Been married just under two years.  First marriage for both of us. I'm early 40s, she's mid-30s.  Engagement was a bit of whirlwind, and mostly long distance too boot... .I had no clue.

Wife is undiagnosed, but she does have anxiety attacks, depression, OCD, and an eating disorder.

Started seeing a therapist about two months ago.  He recommended I read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.  The amazon reviews led me to Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Both books explained my marriage.

I'm frustrated.  I'm stressed out.  I feel like I've screwed up/failed.

I love her, but I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.  Trying to learn all the lessons to save my sanity.

Just wanted to introduce myself.

Gomez
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« Reply #18 on: May 29, 2015, 02:57:44 PM »

Hi gomez_addams

It's my uBPDw, and not a parent/sibling, but I stumbled upon this in the "unread posts" section, and figured I'd go back and see what I wrote last September.

Thanks for joining this discussion!

I'm now in the process of mediating the finances in prep for filing a divorce.  She's been out of state since February, and I realized with her gone that I was happier.

Preparing for a divorce is a significant life event. How are you coping with it?

I am glad you are feeling happier though. Do you feel like it's just the fact that she's out of state that has made or allowed you to feel happier? Have you perhaps also taken certain steps or done certain activities to heal yourself since she's been gone that you feel have contributed to your new found happiness?

@Wools

Like someone said in another thread, the steps are not necessarily linear. Definitely a back and forth process for me.

... .

My T has told me that often in therapy we first discover the facts of the situation, then later we go back and may walk through the feelings of the situation. I had told him, "I've been here before, dealing with this issue. Why am I back here again?" I think that explains some of the layers of healing and discovery typical of healing from childhood abuse.

Thanks for sharing these insights Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) It is important for all of us to realize that our healing process indeed most likely isn't a linear process. I too experience it as a continual back and forth process.

@Panda

So I just keep on movin' on, and hopefully I help someone else on the way.  

I think you are definitely helping others with these posts Panda Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Great to read about your process of healing and self-reflection and all the positive steps you've taken and progress you've made Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: August 27, 2015, 04:33:10 AM »

Where were you then and where are you now?

Anyone else feel like taking a look back at their first post(s)? Being cool (click to insert in post)

At the end of every year, my kids measure themselves against a book case and see how much they've grown.

It's not as easy to measure personal growth.

One way I've thought of is to have a look at my first post and see the difference now.

I would invite you to do the same.

Maybe even post it here in this thread or start your own new topic.

Perhaps compare your first post to your last one.

I hope you share what you find!

Ziggiddy started this great thread about measuring personal growth a few months ago. I want to invite others to also take a look back at their first post(s) on here and then to consider where you are today. Perhaps it can help to ask yourself some questions:

1. When you look at your first post(s) and compare it to your current situation, can you see any positive changes in your life? If you can, what are those changes and how did they come about?

2. Are there any areas of your life you would still like to improve? If so, what are those areas and do you have any ideas to achieve the improvements you are seeking?

Particularly for the members who during their childhood had to deal with BPD family-members, the following questions might also be helpful:

3. When you look at the survivors' guide for adult children who suffered childhood abuse to the right of this message board, where do you feel you are at this moment?

4. When you look back at your first post(s) on here, where would you place yourself on the survivor's guide when you first joined here?

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« Reply #20 on: September 01, 2015, 03:44:58 AM »

I’ve read my first and last post and I still talk a load of rubbish, but it’s better structured rubbish. More optimistic rubbish. In fact my rubbish is realy good.   Smiling (click to insert in post)  I'm going to recycle my rubbish.

What a great idea for a thread, so many of us have gotten better, stronger and... .no I've lost the thread.
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« Reply #21 on: September 02, 2015, 06:14:20 AM »

Better structured, more optimistic... .indeed sounds like growth to me HappyChappy Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Maybe I can help you find the thread again  Are there any specific areas you can identify in which you feel you've gotten stronger or healthier? Perhaps certain aspects mentioned in the Survivors' Guide?
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« Reply #22 on: September 02, 2015, 04:14:55 PM »

To avoid going War and Peace on this post Here's my first post on this board.

First, it's hard to believe that it's been 5 1/2 years since my first post.  Since then, I've become an ambassador on here, spent a lot of time rebuilding my career to something resembling stable, started my own business (which will have its 3 year anniversary Thanksgiving week) and somehow raised that tiny baby to a thriving schoolgirl who will turn 6 next week. 

Second, it's amazing how much my relationship dynamics have switched since then.  I'm not dealing with constant demands for everything.  I can do things like not call for 2-3 days without sparking WWIII.  And if stuff doesn't work out, we can actually discuss things like adults and try to settle things.  The first time that happened, I was legitimately shocked, because I was used to discussions either going in circles or into emotional breakdowns.

This isn't to say that everything is halcyon.  My daughter acts up like most kids her age.  I'm currently living with my uNPD mom, and it's a struggle to protect my daughter from her toxic effects.  And there's also the vagaries of both working for yourself and someone else, with all the everyday drama that entails.  But I don't feel like if I screw up, The World Is Going To End, and my wife is going to kill herself because someone stared at her feet in the subway.  (And seriously, that has happened.)  There's also the very real issue of explaining that I'm a single father to the world.  Still, my relationships with women and my time raising my daughter are a lot better than the past.
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« Reply #23 on: September 06, 2015, 09:10:52 AM »

Hi iluminati

Thanks for sharing your findings! Also thanks for not going all war and peace here, although a little Tolstoy would have been interesting

A lot has happened in your life these last five years! I'm glad your daughter is doing so well Smiling (click to insert in post) Sounds like the relationship dynamics with her mother have greatly changed. Did you do anything in particular that might have contributed to this change? Perhaps the setting and defending of boundaries and the use pf communication techniques such as validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.? It would be interesting to know if there are any skills or tools that you've found particularly helpful.

You are currently living with your uNPD mother which I can imagine isn't easy. You say it's a struggle protecting your daughter from your mother's negative behavior. Do you feel that you are able to set and defend boundaries with your mother in regard to keeping your daughter safe?

When you look at the Survivors' Guide to the right of this board, where do you feel you are now? Are there any areas in particular that you find yourself working on (or perhaps would like to work on)?

Take care
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« Reply #24 on: September 06, 2015, 10:30:31 AM »

In terms of where I am on the survival guide, I'm on Step 19.  I'm not fully thriving in career and life, but I'm definitely rebuilding things to where they were before the marriage.

The two things that have helped me the most are boundaries and DEARMAN.  In a weird way, boundaries contributed to my divorce.  Once my ex ran out things she could violate my boundaries on, she started cheating on me like mad, and that was that.  She could only feel safe violating boundaries, as otherwise, she found basic respect as a prelude to abuse.  She twisted her fears into unhappiness and then started looking outside.  Then again, taking any treatment other than lavish and uproarious praise and a prelude to abuse is definitely a BPD "thing".
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« Reply #25 on: January 22, 2016, 07:28:03 AM »

Hi iluminati,

I still wanted to respond to your post, better late than never right Smiling (click to insert in post)

In terms of where I am on the survival guide, I'm on Step 19.  I'm not fully thriving in career and life, but I'm definitely rebuilding things to where they were before the marriage.

Perhaps not fully thriving (yet) but you've definitely come a long way Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

The two things that have helped me the most are boundaries and DEARMAN.

Boundaries and the DEARMAN technique have also been very important to me. Also taking a good look at the various type of boundaries (physical, mental, emotional) and how they relate to the various forms of abuse, is something I found very insightful and helpful. I like how the DEARMAN technique presents such a solid and elaborate framework to help structure communications with difficult people and/or in difficult situations. Structuring my communication with techniques like this has really helped me, with my family-members but also very much in other settings such as at work.
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« Reply #26 on: January 22, 2016, 09:36:40 AM »

What a great idea for a post.  Thanks Ziggidy this post has renewed my desire to move on and develop healthy relationships. 

Where was I then? Undecided about staying or leaving. No boundaries.

Where am I now? I have come a long way. I have boundaries. She has no power over me. I think I am stronger. Alot stronger. Self aware I am in the process of starting the 12 Coda steps. Recognise I am powerless over my co-dep tendencies and learning how to acknowledge a higher power. I now keep a recovery journal. I recognise my childhood wounds but not healed. Definitely divorcing. Life is messier.

I am still stuck after 2 years of high conflict divorce. Desperate to move on. Its time to settle. Financially drained from the conflict. I regret not having extricated myself from the conflict. Could have been smarter about conceding more early on. I need this to be over, to move on.

One of my first posts:

To stay, I would probably have to give up my career, or at least adjust it, as its is highly stressful and goes a long way to antagonising her, as I travel alot (I'm realising she feels abandoned during these times). I would have to give up the dream of having a normal and open conversation about life. (We have not communicated normally ever). I sat on a plane once and chatted to a lady non stop, for 14 hours. We had so much in common - Interests, opinions, viewpoints, humour. Of course I realise now how stupid of me it was to tell my wife how much I enjoyed it - she hit the roof and has never forgotten it. Next time a I am seated next to an interesting woman, I'll just ask the stewardess if I there are any dull -uninteresting people that would like to change seats ;-) I am gregarious and fun loving by nature and I look back and that part of me died 10 years ago, but is being resurrected during my separation. I am actually thankful for this lesson as I have discovered I am co-dependent, and I am determined not to allow anyone change who I am.  This separation is allowing me to be me. My wife is like a child - no viewpoints, opinions or interesting stories. She has described herself as an 8 year old, and volunteered to me that 8 is her mental and emotional age. She is highly functioning however and no-one else would even guess. So if she can treat everyone else with such kindness, why not me? Intimacy is a huge need of mine, and I have lived in hope that one day she might in some small way reciprocate it. I am still angry about these losses, and I though I have empathy for her and feel a level of compassion, I think love requires common interests, the ability to have meaningful mutual conversation/communication, mutual intimacy. Staying means opting out of a love relationship in the hope that maybe, one day she may decide to change herself. Her mother has it and is still the same. Her family acted perfectly for me when I dated her. It was a trap sprung and shut closed after 6 months of marriage, when DrJekyll became Mr Hyde. I have woken up after 14 years of devaluing, physical abuse, mental abuse. And three beautiful children, innocent victims of it. So it is with deep pain that I consider my odds 50/50 of going or staying.

End of monday morning rant after being treated with blame, control and character assassination on the phone last night by my separated uBPDw

The silver lining is my self discovery of co-dependence. I can come to terms with that and improve not only my self respect, but my relationship with my children, and others.

My goal this week is to focus on me and my problems and not her or hers.

An0ught said it perfectly to me "We can't force them to take responsibility. It is a choice. We only can take responsibility for what we have done and be a role model. We can only stop taking responsibility and rescuing our SO from their stuff and provide them with opportunities. It is a big day when they take it"
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« Reply #27 on: January 25, 2016, 10:20:40 AM »

Hey Everybody!

Well, I'm not posting my first post as it's pretty long. It was kind of hard looking back and reading it to be honest. Lots of emotions... .

So anyways... .1. When you look at your first post(s) and compare it to your current situation, can you see any positive changes in your life? If you can, what are those changes and how did they come about?

I would have to say yes, and unfortunately the majority of it is just realization of, well, a ton of things. More about myself and others, some of which I had assumed I already figured out. I came here to vent because I was so totally alone and feeling out of control. I needed someone to ground me and at first I was so upset at what I perceived as pat responses (looking at you Kwamina   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) that I checked the boards but didn't come back for a while. I cursed myself for reaching out in the first place. You know, the whole nine crazy yards... .

Through honest reflection and opinions/comments from those here as well as reading a lot of the lessons here, other sites and things is how I learned anything at all. It's been a difficult road, for sure.

2. Are there any areas of your life you would still like to improve? If so, what are those areas and do you have any ideas to achieve the improvements you are seeking?

The answer is a resounding yes. I feel like I've come so far only to find so much more wrong with myself than I could have imagined or dealt with without the work I've already done. It feels so exhausting when I realized just how much damage has been done to my mental health. There have been so many people who have been through so much more and worse than me and it makes me feel weak, so I still definitely struggle with accepting that everything is experienced differently by different people and what doesn't bother me could upset someone else and vice versa. I struggle with acceptance and love for myself: with standing up for my rights and boundaries, with letting negative crazy BPD behaviors not affect me so much, with trying to find balance, help and healing for my mind which I recently realized is a lot more fragmented than I initially could accept or deal with. I have a long way to go and I wish it was already over because all I've done my whole life is struggle and I'm just tired. The main thing is to just keep on trucking and not give up, because if I give up it's all over. Just posting here on this board in the very beginning was WAY out of my comfort zone and so continuing to do the things that have already helped and whatever comes along the way is how I have to take it or I'll just get overwhelmed and depressed and I have enough trouble with that one.

3. When you look at the survivors' guide for adult children who suffered childhood abuse to the right of this message board, where do you feel you are at this moment?

4. When you look back at your first post(s) on here, where would you place yourself on the survivor's guide when you first joined here?


Well, that's difficult as I'm dealing with separate issues within remembering, mourning and the very beginnings of some of healing. I was definitely in number 1 when I first came here, no doubt. I wish I was further along than I am and I have to remind myself that I actually have learned and grown so I don't start to hate on myself again. 

I applaud everyone here that has posted for your journeys and sharing it with others so we can accept our situations were not isolated events and others can understand our pain. To write about your growth and what you can see helps to realize that I'm not just going to be "messed up" for the rest of my life and someday I'll be free and healed. That's my goal. I want to be healthy for myself and also mainly for my son. He didn't ask to be here, I brought him, and I want to try to make his life as mentally healthy as possible. I didn't have a leg up, but my prayer is that he will make it to adulthood mentally stable and sound. He may have autism which complicates things, but it doesn't mean he doesn't deserve the best chance I can give him.

So, that's it! Here's hoping more would like to share.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

P.S. Just so everyone knows, I don't have any trouble with Kwamina, he's been very kind to me in my mess. It's just how it started out and he was understanding of my feelings and understandably concerned for my situation when I first posted.   Love for Kwamina and the Parrot Squad!  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #28 on: January 25, 2016, 01:38:08 PM »

Hi purekalm

I needed someone to ground me and at first I was so upset at what I perceived as pat responses (looking at you Kwamina   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) that I checked the boards but didn't come back for a while. I cursed myself for reaching out in the first place. You know, the whole nine crazy yards... .

The most important thing is that you came back and are feeling more grounded now! I'm a parrot so I don't have to stay grounded though, I can fly away whenever I want to Smiling (click to insert in post)

I have a long way to go and I wish it was already over because all I've done my whole life is struggle and I'm just tired. The main thing is to just keep on trucking and not give up, because if I give up it's all over. Just posting here on this board in the very beginning was WAY out of my comfort zone and so continuing to do the things that have already helped and whatever comes along the way is how I have to take it or I'll just get overwhelmed and depressed and I have enough trouble with that one.

Pete Walker who has written about how childhood abuse can affect us as adults, says this about recovery:

"Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become unadrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback. "

He was talking about managing emotional flashbacks, but the main idea applies to healing in general. It takes time, it can at times be very hard and painful, but progress can definitely be made.

I want to be healthy for myself and also mainly for my son. He didn't ask to be here, I brought him, and I want to try to make his life as mentally healthy as possible. I didn't have a leg up, but my prayer is that he will make it to adulthood mentally stable and sound. He may have autism which complicates things, but it doesn't mean he doesn't deserve the best chance I can give him.

What you say here is very important. We cannot control other people, but we can control what we do ourselves and by doing so attempt to end the cycle of conflict and dysfunction. We can only do our best, by doing the work you are doing and by keeping investing in your life, you are giving yourself and your son an opportunity. As long as you're in it, you can win it!

P.S. Just so everyone knows, I don't have any trouble with Kwamina, he's been very kind to me in my mess. It's just how it started out and he was understanding of my feelings and understandably concerned for my situation when I first posted.   Love for Kwamina and the Parrot Squad!  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks for the disclaimer
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« Reply #29 on: January 26, 2016, 11:33:11 PM »

Kwamina

No fair, sometimes I wish I had wings and could fly away too! 

I understand. I mean, considering I'm still in a very volatile situation and I'm making progress should mean something to me. I think it does, but there's always that nagging that I could do better, be further along if only one thing or another wasn't constantly stopping me. Besides, even though it was worse as I was younger, it's continued quite literally my entire life just in different ways since I've gotten older. I can't be hit anymore, ordered around, but I can still be yelled at, have snide or demeaning remarks made, be present when a tantrum or crazy episode is going on with my dad and well, a lot more. One day I'll really be free... .right? Sometimes I'm just not so sure, but I always try to bounce back into a definite YES or what's the point?   

Yep, even though most times I feel like my best isn't really my best, I try.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

No problem about the disclaimer! After I read my message I realized it was more of an inside joke and could be taken wrong to new members or anyone so I wanted to make sure it was just my perception of your advice, not the actual reality.    Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #30 on: January 28, 2016, 06:39:00 PM »

I love this thread and seeing how people have grown while they've been here. So, so cool. 

So I'm going to cheat a little and skip to my third post (don't worry--1 and 2 weren't all that interesting Smiling (click to insert in post):

Then:

Hi everyone,

Thanks! My mother has never been diagnosed, but throughout my whole life (as I'm seeing now), she's exhibited signs of either BPD or NPD. Our relationship is hot and cold; sometimes she calls daily or multiple times daily, and sometimes she'll go a few months ignoring my calls/e-mails. When I was a kid, the silent treatment was her punishment of choice.

My greatest fear, and the reason I sought out therapy, was that I'd transfer this behavior to my son. Fortunately, my therapist thinks that this is limited to my mother (and possibly my brother), but that I don't have a PD. Still, he said that this is going to be a painful process as I grieve for the relationship that I can't have with my mother and work through the feelings of abandonment that have carried over from childhood.

Thanks for letting me get it out... .I've been poking around the boards and this seems like a great place for information.

-Geeky

Today

I look back, just over 4 years later, and I cringe. I was in a painful place. I'd love to turn back the clock and go give my 2011 self a big bear hug and some reassurance.

1. When you look at your first post(s) and compare it to your current situation, can you see any positive changes in your life? If you can, what are those changes and how did they come about?

Oh yes! I'm more confident, more outgoing, and today, I still struggle with some of the issues I had back then, but they're much less impactful.

2. Are there any areas of your life you would still like to improve? If so, what are those areas and do you have any ideas to achieve the improvements you are seeking?

I struggle with self-confidence, but I'm more willing to take risks. I'm more positive overall and spend more time with positive people and doing helpful things to self-soothe (get creative, work out, yoga) than do the things I did back then (emotionally eat, shop).

3. When you look at the survivors' guide for adult children who suffered childhood abuse to the right of this message board, where do you feel you are at this moment?

Probably at #20. I'm in a much better place, but there's room for improvement. Anyone who's at #21, please feel free to share your secrets! Smiling (click to insert in post) To be honest, I do find myself slipping every now and then back between 17 and 20. This is a journey and certainly not one that's over for me.



4. When you look back at your first post(s) on here, where would you place yourself on the survivor's guide when you first joined here?


I'm pretty sure I was around 1 or 2.
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« Reply #31 on: August 08, 2017, 02:41:42 PM »

I'd love to turn back the clock and go give my 2011 self a big bear hug and some reassurance.

How about a parrot hug Smiling (click to insert in post)

1. When you look at your first post(s) and compare it to your current situation, can you see any positive changes in your life? If you can, what are those changes and how did they come about?

Oh yes! I'm more confident, more outgoing, and today, I still struggle with some of the issues I had back then, but they're much less impactful.

2. Are there any areas of your life you would still like to improve? If so, what are those areas and do you have any ideas to achieve the improvements you are seeking?

I struggle with self-confidence, but I'm more willing to take risks. I'm more positive overall and spend more time with positive people and doing helpful things to self-soothe (get creative, work out, yoga) than do the things I did back then (emotionally eat, shop).

Sounds like you've definitely made a lot of progress Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You feel more confident yet also recognize that self-confidence is still something you struggle with. It makes sense I think that even after healing a lot, certain areas can still remain sensitive spots for us. The fact that you realize and acknowledge this, will however allow you to better manage any negative emotions you might experience.

To be honest, I do find myself slipping every now and then back between 17 and 20. This is a journey and certainly not one that's over for me.

I think this kind of self-honesty is just as crucial as moving forward on the survivor's guide. We could also choose to deny that we occasionally find ourselves slipping back, unfortunately denial often only makes the problems worse.

4. When you look back at your first post(s) on here, where would you place yourself on the survivor's guide when you first joined here?[/i]

I'm pretty sure I was around 1 or 2.

From 1 to 20, impressive! And when you add the two, you're at 21! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #32 on: August 12, 2017, 04:21:57 AM »

Geeky Girl, it’s great to hear such positive progress, so how have you improved since your post 8 months ago ? I posted on this thread Sept 2015 as I had felt I’d come a long way. I post now because I realise I have come along way since Sept 15. It’s a long journey that just gets better and better.

I know BPD are full of denial, but we kids can also pick up flees, meaning I realise I was in denial about how ill I was. My sister lives off denial. She has stated our childhood is too painful to discuss and she’s fine. Yet she hasn’t worked in a long time, and when she did it stressed her out. Yet she’s forgotten she told me that, along with so many other things. She believe all mothers love, but ours can't show it for some reason. So she agrees with a mental health issues and all the symptoms, but it couldn't possibly be BPD, as her mother never boiled a bunny rabbit.

Denial  keeps the status quo (hence why BPD promote it) but I feel is not in our favour as it stops the healing. What does everyone think ?
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« Reply #33 on: August 27, 2017, 07:32:55 AM »

Hi HappyChappy

I posted on this thread Sept 2015 as I had felt I’d come a long way. I post now because I realise I have come along way since Sept 15. It’s a long journey that just gets better and better.

That's great that you've continued growing and healing Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Would you say that you getting out of denial about how ill you are has been your most significant growth these last two years?

My sister lives off denial. She has stated our childhood is too painful to discuss and she’s fine. Yet she hasn’t worked in a long time, and when she did it stressed her out.

It still amazes me how similar the stories of many members on here are. Your description of your sister really resembles my non-BPD sister, the one who was treated as the all-bad child by our uBPD mother. When this sister turned 30, I feel that her difficult childhood with our uBPD mother and my other uBPD sister, really hit her hard and she's been struggling ever since. Though she sought help for certain issues, I do feel she is partly back in denial about our uBPD mother and how much our mother's behavior has affected all us children. Like she is working on all other issues, while ignoring the big elephant siting in the middle of the room.

Denial  keeps the status quo (hence why BPD promote it) but I feel is not in our favour as it stops the healing. What does everyone think ?

I think you are right. We can only change what we acknowledge and when we deny or ignore the existence of something, it will be very difficult to heal from it.

I wish you well on your continued journey of healing

The Board Parrot
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« Reply #34 on: August 30, 2017, 04:08:25 PM »

Thank you Ziggiddy, your thread is very useful to me !

I think I feel less guilt then before - especially towards my FOO, and also towards my child.
I looked up my first posts and I saw that the topic was 'should I go NC with my FOO'. I now see that my question was actually a wrong one. It was really my family who didn't really want something to do with me/my child. What I did was stop going to  family gatherings like Christmas and birthdays. I still would have welcomed my FOO at my home, where I feel less vulnerable when they'd ignore me/make fun of me.  So really, what I wondered about was not 'should I install NC', but 'should I have boundaries and only want to meet my family at my own home'. My thinking was clouded by my guilt (PF Change tried to point this out, but I didn't fully grasp it then).

Sadly enough my parents are still ignoring my invitations and are contacting my ex now, telling him they are not allowed to see their grandchild. I do still feel very afraid that my daughter would hold hings against me, and believe my mother instead of me. I can see now that my whole life my mum has tried to isolate me (with pretty much everyone around me). Funny but I never realized that, until my dying grandma told me that my mum prevented sleepovers at her place because she was jealous. Now mum's trying to compromise things between me and my daughter, and it scares the hell out of me.

For the first time my therapist is telling me that it might be a good idea to actually prevent my child from seeing her grandparents, because they are not behaving like grandparents/parents should. Maybe I didn't make *that* much progress, because although I rationally can see that would indeed be for the best, I somehow can't do it... .
Thank you for initiating this post, you made me think.


On these boards I learned how to not JADE. I have noticed that also with healthy people it can come in handy, just as well as SET. I also apply robot mode now sometimes  :-)

Overall, I am extremely thankful for these boards and it's wonderful members.
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« Reply #35 on: September 09, 2017, 10:15:33 AM »

Hi Fie

I lik this thread too Smiling (click to insert in post)

My thinking was clouded by my guilt (PF Change tried to point this out, but I didn't fully grasp it then).

Well good that PF Change tried to point this out to you. Change takes time though and it depends on where you are at in your healing whether you will be able to recognize any distortions in your own thinking. It seems that the cloud has started to lift a bit though when I look at your posts from a bird's eye view Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can see now that my whole life my mum has tried to isolate me (with pretty much everyone around me). Funny but I never realized that, until my dying grandma told me that my mum prevented sleepovers at her place because she was jealous.

This is one of the aspects I find hardest to come to terms with. My mother very much applied isolation tactics too and I am sad to say she often succeeded and her behavior really got to me. I could not understand her behavior and looking back it feels so bizarre that she was jealous of the attention a little child was getting and also felt threatened by my growth and little steps towards independence. Knowing what I know now about BPD, I can see what contributed to her behavior, such as the fear of abandonment, yet still I find it hard to come to terms with as this significantly impacted the social contacts I was able to have.

Now mum's trying to compromise things between me and my daughter, and it scares the hell out of me.

Now then indeed seems like the time to really start setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your mom. In what ways is your mother trying to influence your relationship with your daughter? What are you most afraid of, is it the fear you mention that your daughter would hold things against you and believe your mom's distortions?

Overall, I am extremely thankful for these boards and it's wonderful members.

Thanks for these kind words about the board and members Smiling (click to insert in post) I am also very grateful to see you here, you've made wonderful contributions Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

The Board Parrot
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« Reply #36 on: September 17, 2017, 02:54:08 PM »

Hello board parrot 

Thanks for going into my post ! I wrote it partly to answer the initial post, partly to make my own thoughts more clear for myself. Thanks for contributing to that ! I didn't forget to reply ... .it's just my head has been so full of worrying thoughts lately that I just couldn't answer sooner. I allowed myself a little break from overthinking everything, but I think I am getting out of my worried mindset, so here I am !  :-)

I am very sorry to hear that your mum also applied isolating tactics. Being a mum myself, I cannot understand it.  I am so sorry. I wish I could go back in time and undo all of the hurt.     

I hear what you are saying, it does limit the amount of social contacts you have as a kid - and as an adult as well. 
The only 'normal' family member I have left, my aunt, has recently stopped replying to my messages. I guess that's my mum at work.


Excerpt
In what ways is your mother trying to influence your relationship with your daughter? What are you most afraid of, is it the fear you mention that your daughter would hold things against you and believe your mom's distortions?

My parents are not really interested in my child, but they do want to keep up appearances. So once in a while they become 'interested'. Since I became less susceptible to their mockery and abusive behavior, they started contacting the dad of my child when they want to know how she's doing.  They *completely* ignore me. Total NC (except for birthday wishes ages ago).

It's odd of them to contact my ex, because since we separated they hardly saw him. Now they have told him they are not allowed to see their granddaughter, so they are obliged to have contact with her through him. My ex believes them, even though I keep insisting it's not true. It has been maddening for me. I also had the impression he very much liked the fear and confusion it caused for me.  I explained him that this is my mum's way of isolating me, but he just said it was not a problem for him to be contacted by them, and that he'd go visit them with my child, 'so at least she knows her grandparents, because it's so sad for her'. This coming from a dad who usually has quite little empathy for his daughter. He seemed to just like the drama it was causing for me. The circular explanations I made... .:-(   I had to bring up the possibility of going to court to have this all settled by an impartial judge. Only then did he agree with my wish that he should deal with his family and me with mine. (He's terrified of a court coming into the equation, always has been. So we always worked things out for our child between the two of us, no lawyers, no court. I agreed with this approach because the less fights, the better)

Sadly enough my therapist recently suggested that the behavior of my ex sounds BPD  :-(   Quite confronting.  I had a BPD/NPD partner after having ended the relationship with my child's father, but I never really thought about having had another one :-( 
And I don't want my child to have a BPD dad ... .towards her his behavior is rather autistic then BPD (he doesn't listen when she talks / has little empathy / victim mentality sometimes. But not the drama/fights he displays towards me). Maybe I will open another thread later on that one. But that's another topic, too much to process right now :-)

Some weeks ago I wrote my mum an email, telling her I didn't like the whole situation. That if they want contact with their grandchild, it should happen through me. That I didn't want them to tell lies to everyone, saying they are not allowed to see their grandkid. This was right before my daughter's birthday. Upon her birthday they sent her a card ; it was mailed to ... .her father.

So, in what way is my mum trying to influence my daughter... .by telling her that I don't allow them to see her, by telling her that the pocket money she gets from grandma is not to be taken home to mum, but to dad, ... things like that. Not much - yet, but it's obviously lies and attacking behind my back. Since they have now also proved to not respect my wishes, I guess I am starting (finally) to feel justified to keep them away from my child.

You were asking about my worst fear in this. Yes, you were right : that my child would believe them, not me. That growing up, she'd turn her back on me. Not wanting anything to do with me anymore.
My therapist is telling me that this is what always happened through my childhood, that my parents always abandoned me, and that I should not transpose it to the current situation with my daughter. I am working very hard on it (regression therapy), it's extremely helpful. Since I am doing the regression work I have seen that for me abandonment fears are my biggest challenge in life. Whichever worries arise, due to whichever situation, it always comes down to the same. In most situations doing a regression is extremely helpful. When the symbol is too loaded ('my daughter' I am not quite there yet. Still a lot of work to be done.

Sometimes I am so much in fear because of situations like this, that I think I will only have peace of mind once my mum will be dead. I don't want to think like that, but I must confess that I do. I am almost scaring myself thinking those thoughts, because I don't want to be a terrible person. And I know I am not, but just, thoughts like that don't match the person I am in general.

Thanks Kwamina for caring. I am sorry it became so much of a ramble, but I wanted to answer because you made the trouble asking. And I notice that when situations are very emotional for me, I tend to use too many words and I ramble  :-)

Thanks for understanding, too. I have friends that mean a lot to me, and some of them know about my FOO situation. But not one of them sees it for what it really is. They just don't get it.

xxx
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« Reply #37 on: September 18, 2017, 02:18:49 PM »

Hi Fie

The only 'normal' family member I have left, my aunt, has recently stopped replying to my messages. I guess that's my mum at work.

It could be... .there perhaps could also be other reasons though. How long has she not been responding to your messages? Ultimately, your aunt is an adult too and responsible for her own behavior and if she would choose to believe something while only hearing one side of the story, that would say a lot about your aunt too.

Since I became less susceptible to their mockery and abusive behavior, they started contacting the dad of my child when they want to know how she's doing.  They *completely* ignore me. Total NC (except for birthday wishes ages ago).
... .
It's odd of them to contact my ex, because since we separated they hardly saw him. Now they have told him they are not allowed to see their granddaughter, so they are obliged to have contact with her through him. My ex believes them, even though I keep insisting it's not true. It has been maddening for me. I also had the impression he very much liked the fear and confusion it caused for me. I explained him that this is my mum's way of isolating me, but he just said it was not a problem for him to be contacted by them, and that he'd go visit them with my child, 'so at least she knows her grandparents, because it's so sad for her'. This coming from a dad who usually has quite little empathy for his daughter. He seemed to just like the drama it was causing for me. The circular explanations I made... .:-(

This very much sounds like a game of triangulation in which your daughter is being used as a pawn. Both your mom and ex seem to be very much engaging in Karpman Drama Dynamics, your ex seems to be attracted to and energized by the drama involved in these Drama Triangles:
Excerpt
Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking. He also observed that the participants become drawn in, even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates.

Best course of action for you would probably be to take and maintain a strong position at the center of the triangle:
Excerpt
Move to the center. Stop participating as a victim, rescuer or persecutor. Instead, find and hold a center position. The center of the drama triangle contains elements of each corner - it is a combination of sensitivity, compassion, and responsibility - with a solutions focus, even if the solution is retreat.
Refuse to accept your opponent's force. Do not struggle with the other participants in the triangle, or yield to them. Instead, make a counter move with one opponent that allows them to fully take an awkward, indefensible, or unreasonable position. If you have successfully taken the center, your opponent will back off, rather than unmasking themselves and their exaggerated role.

And backing off is indeed what your ex did when you brought up the possibility of going to court to have this all settled by an impartial judge. Be vulnerable, but not a victim. Assert, rather than persecute. Be caring, but don't overstep (rescue). And there you have the Winning Triangle!

I am sorry it became so much of a ramble

It's ok, us parrots love rambling! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #38 on: September 18, 2017, 02:42:46 PM »

thanks board parrot for the effort !

Your question about my aunt, She has not responded to my birthday wish f.e. That's no big deal, but normally she does answer (this was a few weeks ago).
She did write a card for my daughter's birthday, so I wrote her a thank you message - no answer.   

But you are right, there could be another explanation.

She has had odd behavior in the past though. She f.e. had, together with my mum, the firm wish that only they could be present at the funeral of my grandparents. I was simply not allowed, nor were the other grandchildren. Very frustrating. I know a funeral is public, and I could have insisted and gone if I wanted, but I decided to not make trouble and I left it be.

I had a conversation with my aunt a few years back, upon which she expressed her worries that I didn't make an effort to have a good relationship with my mum (uuugh). I didn't want to tell her about BPD and so, because she and my mum have a good relationship (well, when my aunt is not painted black that is) so I didn't want to spoil that. She kept on saying on how it's such a pity and how anyone who's against my mum, is against her. I told her there were things she didn't know, but she clearly was not interested in absorbing that idea. She's also quite emotional unavailable and has stated this about herself in the past. Her boyfriend is autistic and has hit her on occasion - she's still with him.
Still, she's the normal one :-)

Very interesting idea about the drama triangle. I will remember that for next time. Because with my ex as well as my parents, the other shoe *will* drop, just a question of time. Could you maybe tell me, who do you see in which role ? Is my mum the victim ('I am not allowed to see my grandkid', me the prosecutor and my ex the rescuer of my mum ? Or am I the victim ('they are lying about me' ?

Thanks so much. Revealing.
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« Reply #39 on: September 18, 2017, 03:01:22 PM »

Could you maybe tell me, who do you see in which role ? Is my mum the victim ('I am not allowed to see my grandkid', me the prosecutor and my ex the rescuer of my mum ? Or am I the victim ('they are lying about me' ?

I think the thing with the drama triangle is that the people engaged in it, can and will take on several roles. No matter which role you take though, everyone on the Karpman Drama Triangle is responding to live as a victim. Your mom is trying to cast you in the role of persecutor (bad guy), portraying herself as the victim and trying to involve your ex as the rescuer.

Then when your ex believes your mom and turns on you, he is assuming the role of persecutor and you are being cast into the role of victim.

But all the while your mother is actually being very passive-aggressive and through that aggression is also very much behaving like a persecutor and very much pushing you into the role of victim.

And your daughter is just being used in all of this as a means to an end, to try and control you. When your parents talk about being obliged to have contact with your daughter through your ex, that statement by itself shows them casting themselves into the role of victim. Only victims feel like they are obliged to do something like this, in reality your parents have many options yet choose to behave this way.

And also your ex is just using your daughter as a pawn when he brings her to your parents since he normally shows very little empathy for your daughter based on your description. This very much sounds like he's playing a game here, presenting himself as the all-good rescuer, while at the same time seemingly enjoying the hurt it causes you which sounds more like a persecutor.

That's my parrot's take on it
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« Reply #40 on: September 18, 2017, 03:07:11 PM »

Excerpt
And your daughter is just being used in all of this as a means to an end, to try and control you.

I think you are right there, and one of my friends has pointed this out also.
But why do they want to control me, I wonder ? They don't want anything to do with me !
And they are not interested in my daughter neither. They only pop up now and then, especially after they see that I don't react as they wish. Then suddenly they want contact with their grandchild.

So why do they want control over someone they don't want in their lives ? It it only maliciousness, wanting to see me suffer ? (my mum does have this tendency)
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« Reply #41 on: September 22, 2017, 03:55:03 PM »

Well, with BPD it can be quite difficult to really say why a person behaves this way. Perhaps they try to control you because they actually feel like they aren't in control of anything else in their life so to give themselves at least some sense of control they then tried to control every aspect of your life.

I do think this is significant though:
They only pop up now and then, especially after they see that I don't react as they wish. Then suddenly they want contact with their grandchild.

So perhaps the reason they want to control you is because they see that they can't, yet at the same time can't stand that so keep trying anyway. If that's the case, your parents have actually trapped themselves in an ever repeating loop of their own dysfunctional behaviors.

It's difficult to tell whether they do or don't want you in their life. It is clear though that their behavior is quite problematic and has negatively affected you. Perhaps they are unable to express their love in a loving manner or perhaps they are unwilling to do so. Really determining or fully understanding their motivations and thought processes might be somewhat of a 'mission impossible'. What is clear though are the dysfunctional behavior patterns and distorted thinking they exhibit. Wanting to and/or thinking that you can control the uncontrollable, by itself is an example of distorted thinking your parents exhibit.
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