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Author Topic: How do I leave a boss with BPD?  (Read 492 times)
ghoststory
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« on: January 19, 2015, 01:34:25 AM »

recap co worker and I flirt i decide it's a bad idea , we remain good friends , i get split black ,i find out I am dealing with a BPD ,,i get us back on talking terms but go very limited contact ... .and now ... .SHE'S MY BOSS! and making my life so stressful even my fake hair is falling out ... .telling on me now writing me up for making the same mistakes that really bothers her ... .i felt no other way but to try to explain and get on her good side as that's my only way to have peace ... .

what i got was a speech on we will never be the friends we once were ,,our flirting stage was a huge mistake and was the cause of all our problems i must be written up to show "us" (the company) that i care about my job ,,and she needs time to see me as any sort of friend ,but in the meantime I should expect fair treatment and we are on civil terms ... .

does anyone know what this all means?


... .oh and is anyone hiring? ... .haha
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2015, 01:12:53 AM »

It's possible she's with someone else and if it falls out, she wants you at arms reach.
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ghoststory
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« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2015, 11:58:26 AM »

thank you for replying I am quite puzzled at the fact this friendship got treated like a relationship if i was the loss a friend that's one thing but i get treated like an ex boyfriend by a friend

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« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2015, 12:07:21 PM »

She lacks a stable sense of self. She doesn't really know whom she is and has an acute fear of loneliness and pre-occupied attachment patterns in relationships.

I find that what my ex says is often puzzling and when I'm confused I look at her actions. She says one thing and yet does another.

What are your acquaintances actions?
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ghoststory
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« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2015, 12:46:48 PM »

well my instinct is that this is just a control issue if I seem upset with her she punishes me at work by tattling like a child causing estranged feelings with everyone if I try to talk things out I get stonewalled i am forced to play nice though i have a right  to have a feeling of resentment, her friend says she says that she is past all this and only wants now to have peace at work ,,but this week was the first time i have attempted to talk directly to her in over a month so i have yet to see what actions will come from the latest claim we are on good terms but to a lesser degree ,,i have made my objection clear i want to transfer to her boss and told her that's my intent ,,if i don't i fear i will lose my job ,,it's all so stressful
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ghoststory
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« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2015, 12:49:13 PM »

haha did i answer or ramble ... .? im sorry if that was all over the place
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« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2015, 01:19:02 PM »

It helps to talk. It's stressful when she's triggering an emotional response, Emotional Blackmail Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG)

Her friend may not see the acting out or behaviors, the behaviors are directed at romantic partners, exe's and attachments. She says that her friend is trying to be nice to keep the peace and what your truth is she's emotionally blackmailing you. Her actions and trying to illicit a different emotional response with you I think is different than what her friend advocates? You likely feel alone and isolated?

If I understand correctly, you want to transfer or move to a different boss?
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ghoststory
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« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2015, 01:59:38 PM »

alone and isolated is spot on ,,yes I work for a chain and asked to be transferred  to a different store  and that irritates her boss ,, who sees this as silly and doesn't understand the problem ,, and I can't say well for my well being get me away from the borderline please haha, but yeah it is my intention just looking to find a professional explanation to accomplish this  or another job whatever comes first ... .and really thank you for responding it means and helps a lot
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« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2015, 02:42:52 PM »

I understand. It helps to talk here. All of our members have been touched with a complex and difficult to detect personality disorder. We can relate with the nuances other people don't see or aren't effected by it and may not have apathy or empathy.

If I may. I suggest not giving her friend details. Do you know what a Karpman Drama Triangle is? I would also suggest not advising your current boss, if she gets wind of this she may make things difficult.


If you have already done so, it's fine. I suggest keeping things to yourself from the point you choose to move on and say nothing more. Try to get the paper work in, it's going to land on her desk? If she makes it look personal so be it, offer practical, reasonable choices for you and don't get involved in her drama. If she says something be boring "the commute's shorter".

I say this because it may trigger hyper-sensitivity to rejection or it may trigger feelings of shame, guilt and insecurities? She may think it looks bad on her that an employee wants to move away from her?

I would keep this low-key. Share with us, it's hard feeling isolated. I'm sorry.

It may be difficult because it's stressful with what you're going through and it may trigger feelings. What is key, don't point fingers or blame. Focus on something that gives you leverage that's not personal with this boss.

Is there anything you can think of that would help to switch to a different boss? Does the other store have something this store doesn't. A training program, an incentive, a career path?

"I'd like the opportunity to transfer to this store because they have a training program that I'm interested in to advance my career."

I apologize if I'm not familiar with chain stores I work in a different industry, that being said I'm trying to help with a proposal that minimizes the chances to trigger this boss and it doesn't make it look like a personal issue. The goal is to exit quietly, discreetly.
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ghoststory
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« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2015, 04:51:09 PM »

this is all excellent advise and thank you ,,and I plan to follow it ,,I have two questions one no I am not aware of drama triangle what does it consist of? and two avoiding triggers ,our boss and her are a bit of friends and not having it seem personal may be a challenge because the three of us knows it kinda is so I will follow your advise but curious what the danger may be if it is still perceived that way even though I will proclaim it is not ?
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ghoststory
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« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2015, 05:05:59 PM »

also thank you for the article it was helpful
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Mutt
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« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2015, 06:04:16 PM »

Excerpt
her friend says she says that she is past all this and only wants now to have peace at work

One way you could look at this is that your boss is helpless and her friend is the savior and you're the bad guy? When a two-person relationship involves a third person to shift the tension of the relationship to a more stable dynamic - triangulation. A dysfunctional dynamic - Karpman Drama Triangle. It's subconscious, a pwBPD will shift to all three roles in triangulation, victim, savior and persecutor.

Triangulation is all around us and it's often benign and sometimes it's dysfunctional and can cause drama and chaos. I suggest be aware of the role you may be cast in and stay "centered" by removing yourself from the drama by shifting to the center and not side with either polarized roles.

What does triangulation mean?

My point, if you want to go to another store focus on what's required to get there, fill the paperwork and it should go to your HR? Or talk to the boss at the other store? I'm not sure how it works in your company. Do you have to make the request directly to your boss?

At my workplace we have internal job postings, I apply and it's sent to HR, HR in turn notifies my boss and there's a screening. If I pass I can get an interview with the target boss. Try to stay centered from polarized roles hopefully you'll get what you want with minimal drama for you. She may or may not do this and be careful of conflict she may potentially cause.
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ghoststory
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« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2015, 06:14:07 PM »

i see ,,ok well once again thank you ,,I will focus on this wish me luck ,,
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Mutt
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« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2015, 06:17:32 PM »

Good luck! I hope you get to the other store.
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