February 14th is coming.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Y'all ready for this?

Recycle attempts are likely inbound.  Time to batten down the hatches or better yet get out of town for a couple of days.

Good luck to us all

[Infern0]

Y'all ready for this?

Recycle attempts are likely inbound.  Time to batten down the hatches or better yet get out of town for a couple of days.

Good luck to us all

[mitchell16]

I hope not. But I get this strange feeling your right. I havent heard a thing from mine in almost a month. It is a all time record.

[Mr Hollande]

That weekend is booked with my new girl and although none of us have much money to spare this month we aim to spoil each other. Miss BPD can't join us. 

[Trog]

Coincidentally I am on a trip with 19 women on that day to a vineyard!

Couldn't have planned that better.

[.cup.car]

Y'all ready for this?

Recycle attempts are likely inbound.  Time to batten down the hatches or better yet get out of town for a couple of days.

Good luck to us all

Thank you based court order.

[NYMike]

Y'all ready for this?

Recycle attempts are likely inbound.  Time to batten down the hatches or better yet get out of town for a couple of days.

Good luck to us all

Thank you based court order.

In NY I have the OOP.This law here is a joke.I can not ''contact'' her in anyway or I will be in contempt of court.But she can ''contact'' me at anytime.She has texted me twice and called 3 times since she put the OOP on me.

I only answered the 1 call.Sorry I did that.She was all hate and anger,so I hung up.

I am glad I have this OOP so I will not bother calling,texting or reaching out.The OOP helps me detach...

[jedimaster]

Fun-- my uBPDw's birthday is the 16th and our anniversary is the 20th.  And tomorrow I go to meet with a L for an initial consultation.  I'm still in stealth mode, doing nothing to tip my hand until our remodeling project is complete and the house is ready to sell, and the L says it's OK to go ahead.  So I get to hone my acting skills through a whole set of romantic holidays.  

She almost made it easy--she asked if she took the weekend out of town to a family cabin would I be able to handle the family errands, etc.  (Who goes out of town by themselves on Valentine's Day?)    I was totally fine with it   and was looking forward to a peaceful weekend without having to watch my step or worry about anything.  Turns out the family cabin is winterized and won't be open until March... .  

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Bad memories on Valentines Day. 2 years ago I found out about my ex fiancee affair, just over a week later we were over!

This year I will be with the one person I know that loves me and I love totally back (My son) and be sharing it with 26,000 others... .

At a football match... .

Meanwhile, My exBPD will be having her first Valentines with her new  husband.

I could'nt be happier!

[hoaianhcameron]

Arrrrhhhh, it's already hard for me, just got out 3 months. We moved to Japan together; 6 months later, he stole my money, had an affair with a Japanese girl, i kicked him out of the apartment, h*ell of dramas after (blame game, back stabbing both me and that girl, negotiation,... .) and later, i found out he moved in immediately with the girl right after i kicked him out.

I blocked all possible contact already, plus he said he turned the page so i guess i definitely have peace... .alone!

Man, life in Japan is just hard!

[charred]

Last recycle attempt was about a week ago... .

Sent a cryptic note about "It was all about blame"... at 4:30am in the morning.

So I get up at 7am, and I have 7 sheriffs cars surrounding my house.

Near heart attack... thinking... ."What in the world did she do or say?"

Went outside, they ignored me... I drove away... very nervous.

Came back, they were gone... .and I heard on radio that store had been robbed at gunpoint and they headed toward my neighborhood... wasn't me they were looking for... WOW.

So... it all did serve to remind me that I don't want her type of excitement back in my life... .mind went to her immediately!

[ADecadeLost]

Glad she lives out of the country.  V-day on the 14th.  Anniversary on the 19th.  Ugh... .

On a positive note, there's a basketball game on the 14th I really want to watch.  At least that means I have plans (ie. sports bar/beer/wings).

[eyvindr]

Damn. It is, isn't it? Really, I'm encouraged that I don't have to deal with the obligatory silliness of that day -- but it's a good reminder to at least have my guard up. Just in case.

[eyvindr]

NYMike --

Interesting.

In NY I have the OOP.This law here is a joke.I can not ''contact'' her in anyway or I will be in contempt of court.But she can ''contact'' me at anytime.She has texted me twice and called 3 times since she put the OOP on me.

I only answered the 1 call.Sorry I did that.She was all hate and anger,so I hung up.

I am glad I have this OOP so I will not bother calling, texting or reaching out.The OOP helps me detach...

You probably already know this but, wrt to OOPs (assuming they're similar to PFAs or harassment complaints?), if the plaintiff breaks NC, it kind of shoots a hole in their case, no? Like, why have an OOP issued if you still intend on having contact with the person?

I had LE warn my ex to stop calling, txtng and emailing me incessantly -- because I really wasn't able to ignore it, it was disruptive, and -- silly as this sounds -- I know it wasn't helping her move on, either. Similar to what you said, I'm glad I did it, too -- not only did it stop her direct onslaught of non-stop verbal abuse (seriously -- it went on daily for two months straight), it serves as a check and balance when I have weak moments. Because, if I were to cave in and reach out, she would interpret it as game on, and would pick up where she left off (she's done that before), and LE wouldn't take me seriously if I went back to them with the same complaint.

[garthaz]

About a 50/50 chance for a very good night, or a complete melt down.

[Ghost733]

Coincidentally I am on a trip with 19 women on that day to a vineyard!

Couldn't have planned that better.

Ayyyyy maybe you tell the rest of us how to manage that?

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Lord I hope not.  She has a fresh source to keep her busy.  It might be a new record if this one goes up in flames before the 14th. 

I am looking forward to a calm day with my dog and maybe spending time with some of my single friends.  Ah serenity. 

[Deeno02]

Nope, not worried about it. As far as I know, shes still with good old college buddy. Im not going to lie and say I wont feel a little down that day, but I wont be spending $120.00 either!

[willieb4]

I'll be celebrating 60 days of NC on the 14th.

[jhkbuzz]

How strange that you posted this right before she contacted you!

[JohnLove]

Oh, jhkbuzz... .they are not THAT predictable... .

... .or are they?. 

[JohnLove]

Last recycle attempt was about a week ago... .

Sent a cryptic note about "It was all about blame"... at 4:30am in the morning.

So I get up at 7am, and I have 7 sheriffs cars surrounding my house.

Near heart attack... thinking... ."What in the world did she do or say?"

Went outside, they ignored me... I drove away... very nervous.

Came back, they were gone... .and I heard on radio that store had been robbed at gunpoint and they headed toward my neighborhood... wasn't me they were looking for... WOW.

So... it all did serve to remind me that I don't want her type of excitement back in my life... .mind went to her immediately!

Oh dear... .charred. My heart sunk just reading that. I was expecting the worst. Like you were typing that from hospital after you had been mistakenly shot by police!.

Unfortunately, I lived that with my exBPD. OK, so there wasn't 7 squad cars at once... .there was 7 different squad cars at 7 different times in 7 weeks. I ended up having to leave on the last time after I was arrested on false accusations.

I think you just triggered me... and as we say in Australia. THANKS MATE. 

[downwhim]

My son is driving in from college to work two days and stay at my house. He and I will go to sushi that night. He is the perfect date, kind, loving and mine... .

[eyvindr]

downwhim -- that's awesome. My best V-days have been the ones I've spent with my son, too. Enjoy each others company.

[Rifka]

I'll be celebrating 60 days of NC on the 14th.

Congrats on your upcoming 2 months! The first two could be very trying and exhausting. Keep going strong, it does start to get easier as time goes by.

Do something for yourself that day if you can.

Rifka

[NonAverageJoe]

I have had 100% no contact again for three weeks today, she's blocked, I have a new gf too.

I could most likely call my ex anytime and she would want to talk to me, see me etc. Although her last message to me was pretty angry it was clearly the dysregulation settling in when I refused to talk to her, give her validation and I had a friend tell her to throw away a check that I had reissued.

I've found myself thinking of the good times. It's a trap. I had to get treated for Chlamydia that I had no symptoms of/ tested clean of when I first broke up because I gave it to the new girlfriend (I'm her second sexual partner and she's the real deal) . I could not speak to my ex like an equal without a laundry list of unlikely events occurring first.

[enlighten me]

Doubt I'll get a recycle attempt as she has a weekend planned with her new bf.

wish there was a valentines spam filter on my email. Get about ten a day with amazing valentines gift ideas .

[jhkbuzz]

Doubt I'll get a recycle attempt as she has a weekend planned with her new bf.

How do you know ^?

[enlighten me]

How do I know I wont get a recycle or that she has a weekend planned?

She doesnt do recycles and ive got our son that weekend as she's going away.

[jhkbuzz]

How do I know I wont get a recycle or that she has a weekend planned?

She doesnt do recycles and ive got our son that weekend as she's going away.

That she's going away, I mean... .that sounds like TMI

[enlighten me]

Its weird. She will say she is going away but has never mentioned her boyfriend who she has been with for nearly six months.

[parisian]

Much better being single than being with someone who doesn't appreciate you 

This valentine's day I certainly won't miss:

1.  Waiting in a restaurant by myself for 40 minutes because she's at drinks with her friends, and 'just got another beer' so couldn't possibly turn up at the time we agreed

2.  Being screamed at in said restaurant over such a minor difference of opinion that I don't even remember the topic

3.  Me then crying for being screamed at in a restaurant on Valentine's Day, not the mention the embarrassment of all the restaurant patrons looking at you both

4.  Her then pretending like that didn't even happen and trying to be silly and funny afterwards. No apology of course.

5.  Me being perplexed and wondering what the heck happened and why would she do that

Nope, I am going to have an enjoyable night with some wonderful friends

[Ripped Heart]

Our anniversary is 13th Feb so this week is going to be very interesting.

Had friends over at the weekend and they have made a decision between them that Valentines Day is going to be spent with them this year. A couple of them are married but have plans through the day so that we can all go out together in the evening. In line with what Parisian says, it's about spending time with people who appreciate you rather than someone who doesn't.

Can't shake the feeling that BPDgf is going to have a rough week this week because the end of the week is a trigger for her.

[Deeno02]

Well, as I mentioned before, I'll be saving a bunch of money on gifts she returned for something else. Instead, I will be helping my son get ready for his Turnabout dance on the 14th! Truly spending it with the people who do indeed appreciate me, my kids!

[going places]

Being in the Hospitality industry, I have worked 99% of all Valentines Days in the last 30 years!

I have no attachment to Hallmark Holidays.

I have never been a fan of 'gifts-etc' because the 'calendar says to do it'.

Valentines Day looked like this:

Get up, get kids ready for school, drop them off. (Up at 6am)

Come home clean house, do laundry, pay bills, grocery shop, start dinner.

Pick up the kids from school.

Come home, shower and get ready for work.(4pm)

(When they were younger, drive them with me to work so ex could meet me there and take them home / when they were older, they stayed home till ex got home from work)

Work all night

Come home, clean up the dinner mess, pick up the house.

Go to the bathroom to change out of my work clothes (it's now 11pm) and give the ex what he 'expects' on Feb 14.

No exceptions.

Lay in bed from 12pm-2am staring at the ceiling because I cannot sleep.

I feel dirty, cheap and disgusting.

Yeah, you read that right.

No 'flowers, chocolates, etc'.

Oh a couple times I had some lingerie; clearly not for me as much as it was for him.

No cards, "I love you's "

No the house wasn't even picked up or dishes put away or laundry folded... .nope.

He was just chillin' in front of the TV when I got home or playing video games, or spending quality time with his picture friends on the internet.

No romance, or tenderness... .nope just grabbing and groping until the deed was done, then ear splitting snoring.

Ahhhhh the magic of Valentines Day.

[apollotech]

Yep, you're correct. Got the "Happy Valentine's Day" text today that I had anticipated was going to come. I have only been NC for about a week now. I didn't respond to the text, but this really bites the big one... .especially on Valentine's Day!

[cloudten]

Yup- first thing this morning i got "happy valentines day. i love you"

I managed to spend the whole day not responding. Then i got a bee in my bonnet and responded "the only person you love is yourself"

to which he responded "i love you"

I feel like cr*p for having responded... .breaking nearly 4 days of NC.  We were supposed to go out tonight. Instead I stayed home, painted on a canvas, had soup, watched a motorcycle race, and am now posting here... .after having emailed him.

I wish I was stronger.

[eyvindr]

cloudten,

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It's painful, sad -- and annoying.

I see a lot of people on the boards here struggling with NC -- I have myself, so I know how it feels. This being my third and definitely final break up with my ex, here's what learned, from my experience -- it doesn't work to count NC in days. It's kind of like quitting a really bad habit, or even more like kicking an addiction. Like smoking. I used to smoke. The only way I finally really kicked the addiction was that I fully accepted that I was addicted to nicotine, and I honestly didn't want to be anymore. I didn't want to be a smoker anymore. So, I had to stop -- completely, immediately. And, in my case, I had to get some help -- for me, it as a cessation aid.

These r-ships, sadly, can be a lot like that. First, we have to fully realize that they aren't good for us. Then, we have to make up our minds that we don't want to live this way anymore. Then, we need to remove ourselves from the relationship. It all feels so damned harsh, and cold -- and we struggle with it a lot, because many of us here have a pretty good understanding of this illness, and like you we do love our partners -- so we wrestle with our consciences which keep insisting that we don't blame our partners because the illness undermines their ability to behave normally. It's incredibly difficult.

But in the end, you can't separate the person from the illness. We can understand the difference intellectually -- but the reality is that it's a package deal. If we are with this partner, we are also with their BPD (or whatever PD or mental illness they may have). And, if it's a PD, it isn't going to go away on its own. And if it doesn't go away, the relationship will always be infused with the effects of the illness.

So, to leave we have to quit. The only way to do it with someone who won't accept that they have a problem, who has no ability to understand personal boundaries, who sees their feelings as reality, who won't even accept the reality of a break-up is to go NC. NC shouldn't be measured in hours or days -- it should be a long-term strategy, if at all. Anything less is limited contact -- and that's a tough thing to manage with someone with BPD -- for all of the previously mentioned reasons.

Take care of yourself. Live the life you want. Hang in there.

[apollotech]

Yup- first thing this morning i got "happy valentines day. i love you"

I managed to spend the whole day not responding. Then i got a bee in my bonnet and responded "the only person you love is yourself"

to which he responded "i love you"

I feel like cr*p for having responded... .breaking nearly 4 days of NC.  We were supposed to go out tonight. Instead I stayed home, painted on a canvas, had soup, watched a motorcycle race, and am now posting here... .after having emailed him.

I wish I was stronger.

cloudten,

Two "I love you['s]"! You're just bragging now... . I feel jipped with my measly "Happy Valentine's Day" text.

[cloudten]

Yup- first thing this morning i got "happy valentines day. i love you"

I managed to spend the whole day not responding. Then i got a bee in my bonnet and responded "the only person you love is yourself"

to which he responded "i love you"

I feel like cr*p for having responded... .breaking nearly 4 days of NC.  We were supposed to go out tonight. Instead I stayed home, painted on a canvas, had soup, watched a motorcycle race, and am now posting here... .after having emailed him.

I wish I was stronger.

cloudten,

Two "I love you['s]"! You're just bragging now... . I feel jipped with my measly "Happy Valentine's Day" text.

HAHA - Sorry! Maybe he actually does love me- he has an awful way of showing it. But I can say I am not in love with him anymore.