New to group

[rjones91]

Hello Everyone,

I am fairly new to the group. I just recently got out of a same sex relationship with my exBPD girlfriend of close to 1yr. It ended as I caught her cheating on me (I will never forget this day or the images still lingering in my mind  ), then she tried to push me down a flight of stairs and had the audacity to physically attack me as if I was the one cheating. There was never any violence between us so it kind of shocked me that this happened. We had a great Christmas, she told me this is the happiest she has ever been and one of her best Christmases (along with the stream of tears). Only 3 days later I get a text while sitting in church, that she is very unhappy and hasn't been happy in the relationship in a very long time. I was in complete and total shock as I had just dropped her off to work a couple hours prior and I had no clue this is how she felt and it came out of nowhere. Talk about being blind-sided. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I knew all of what I knew now, I would have politely exited the relationship or not even gotten into one at all with her. But I take it as a lesson learned.

Its been a very emotional/mental battle as I am sure ALL of you can relate to. Its been almost 2 months since the break up and 52 days NC (not counting the one responding text I sent to her, about me returning items she left at my house). She replaced me before the relationship was over and has been involved with a few others since our breakup 12/28/14. It gives me a little solace that no matter how perfect I could have been to her, it still would have yielded the same results. You can give a BPD person everything and yet it still never be enough. I can truly say my support system of family and friends, prayer prayer prayer, reading/educating myself on BPD and just reading stories of others, no checking social media, deleting all pictures, texts and emails and getting rid of ALL things that remind me of her has helped me along the way. I had to completely detox of all things related to her, as I know could not ever be back involved with her. But I know for a fact that "This Too Shall Pass".

I am committed to loving myself more and completely unconditionally, focusing all my energy and attention on me and healing completely. The most hurtful thing out of it all is having to walk away from her 7yr old daughter that I formed a great bond and relationship with. This is what I struggle with most, as I had to walk away from her as well.

She texted me this morning telling me her daughter is really enjoying all the books I got her as her Christmas gift, I cried all the way to work, as I really miss the great times we did share and am amazed as to how she can just text me out the blue like nothing horrible didn't happen between us. But I will say, I look forward... .to not looking back.

Thank you to whomever created this forum and to all those that keep the forum afloat. It has truly been helpful and quite informative for me. I pray for each and everyone one of you that are healing as I am today. We will all get through this. One day at a time!

R

[Grey Kitty]

  What a wretched way to end a relationship. 

You sound like you have no interest in getting back into a romantic relationship with your ex.

You say you miss her 7yo daughter a lot. Would you like to have a civil or even friendly relationship with your ex so you could stay connected to her daughter?

[Mutt]

Hi rjones91,



I'm so sorry you had to go through that

It's hard when you have a bond with a child and things end so awfully.

Things are still raw and I would like to echo Grey Kitty.

A goal can be friendship to connect with her D.

[rjones91]

I think it is best for me to just walk away from them both

 What a wretched way to end a relationship. 

You sound like you have no interest in getting back into a romantic relationship with your ex.

You say you miss her 7yo daughter a lot. Would you like to have a civil or even friendly relationship with your ex so you could stay connected to her daughter?

I don't tolerate cheating or violence from anyone. These 2 things are a deal breaker for me. We always said that no matter what happened between us that it wouldn't affect my relationship with her daughter. But I saw emails from her after the breakup begging the ex before me to be apart of her daughters life (while her and I were still together). I don't want to confuse the little girl with the back and forth between me and my ex's previous ex, and the other different people my ex is currently involved with smh. I don't need or want the drama. Too much confusion for a 7yr old to have to deal with.

[rjones91]

Hi rjones91,



I'm so sorry you had to go through that

It's hard when you have a bond with a child and things end so awfully.

Things are still raw and I would like to echo Grey Kitty.

A goal can be friendship to connect with her D.

Thank you Mutt. This is part of the reason I was a little hesitant to even get involved with her, as I know I have a very soft spot for kids and I had a great bond with her daughter.

Truth be told, I am still a little terrified to even think about being in her presence at this time as she attempted to push me down a flight of stairs (Which I could have seriously been hurt or even killed), then violently physically attacked me. As of 3 days after our breakup she got involved with another man and 2 other women (that I am aware of), so I don't want any drama in my life. Plus I don't want to confuse the little girl as there are just too many people in and out of my ex's life. So I am unsure if a friendship is ideal or even realistic. 

[Mutt]

Hi rjones91,

I think you've got a good perspective on this.

Another option.

You may see if she wants to reconnect later in life.

When she's of age.

[Grey Kitty]

Truth be told, I am still a little terrified to even think about being in her presence at this time as she attempted to push me down a flight of stairs (Which I could have seriously been hurt or even killed), then violently physically attacked me. As of 3 days after our breakup she got involved with another man and 2 other women (that I am aware of), so I don't want any drama in my life. Plus I don't want to confuse the little girl as there are just too many people in and out of my ex's life. So I am unsure if a friendship is ideal or even realistic. 

You sound like you are making good choices.

Your ex is clearly unstable emotionally. So if you want to be friendly/civil to her, you will have to work very hard, just to get a good surface-level relationship with her working.

If you want to do that... .after you have had some time to heal and recover yourself... .post on the Staying board for support and advice on how to do it. (Most of the relationships there are romantic relationships... .but not all... .and the tools for making a relationship work are pretty much the same anyway.)

 Wishing you peace,

GK