Hope

[crookedeuphoria]

Hi everyone. I haven't been here in awhile but I was just thinking about you all and I wanted to stop by. Funny how even just being here makes all of those old emotions come back up.

I am just over six months out and here to tell you that the darkness does lift. It takes awhile, different amounts for different people but it DOES get better. I am proof.

I was with my uBPDexbf for two and half years. We lived together with our respective kids and it was the most turmoil, anguish and chaos I have ever known. I never even knew such a thing existed until I lived it. I was madly in love, he was my "soulmate" and I thought I would be with him forever. When the craziness started, I couldn't figure out what was going on and I blamed everything from his childhood, his previous marriage, myself and ghosts.

One day, I had apparently had enough because I was the one who went crazy. I lost my mind and threw him out. It was horrible and hard and I spent hours and hours here but I just kept plugging along, counting the days and marking them off on the calendar.

I started dating again at around the three month mark. I wasn't ready and I would have PTSD episodes where I would just start crying and be unable to stop. It was a bit of a nightmare. I am still dating and though I still have some episodes, they get fewer and further apart and they aren't nearly as severe and I'm able to overcome them quickly. I didn't really know how far I had actually come until last week when there was contact and even a hug. I thought it could be that closure we all want, but of course, he saw it as a window to climb back in. But when he texted me to see if we could get together, I said no. And I meant it. And I have no doubts whatsoever that it is the absolute right choice. I am not even sad about it.

My life is better, full of light and hope and joy. Wherever you are right now, please, please, please believe me when I say it will get better. I know you hear it in real life, from people who don't really get it. But I get it. I was where you are and I PROMISE, you're going to be okay.

Love to all of you.

[HappyNihilist]

 Thank you so much for the lovely update, crookedeuphoria! I'm so glad for you.

I started dating again at around the three month mark. I wasn't ready and I would have PTSD episodes where I would just start crying and be unable to stop. It was a bit of a nightmare. I am still dating and though I still have some episodes, they get fewer and further apart and they aren't nearly as severe and I'm able to overcome them quickly.

I had the same types of episodes. It feels great as they get less frequent and severe.

I didn't really know how far I had actually come until last week when there was contact and even a hug. I thought it could be that closure we all want, but of course, he saw it as a window to climb back in. But when he texted me to see if we could get together, I said no. And I meant it. And I have no doubts whatsoever that it is the absolute right choice. I am not even sad about it.

My life is better, full of light and hope and joy.

Your sense of peace, conviction, and empowerment is beautiful to see. Congratulations on doing what you know is best for you.

Wherever you are right now, please, please, please believe me when I say it will get better. I know you hear it in real life, from people who don't really get it. But I get it. I was where you are and I PROMISE, you're going to be okay.