Was just sent this apology letter from my exBPDgf. Advice?

[Figuring it out]

I went over a lot of the messages on this board and one of them about apologies and how they're never sincere. After she cheated on me 3 days ago, we talked and I was firm about not getting back together since I can't do infidelity. She tried a few different things to manipulate me into getting back together with her - guilt, love, anger, excuses but I stood firm and I told her I wished her well, I love her, but I have to let her go. She just sent this apology letter. It's long, she's a great writer, but wondering what this community thinks of the letter. I changed my name to "figuring it out" and her name at the end. I feel very vulnerable sharing this as it's deeply personal, but I trust this community is trying to help. Here we go.

--------------------

‘Figuring it out’,

I have to write to you, I must write to you. By the time you'll have received this you will no longer be blocked on my phone. I can't bear to lose connection with you. I can't bear to hear you say you can’t deal with me anymore to my face. My mind is locked in circles of looking back and ripping at myself for the little things I could've done to put the brakes on this crash, wringing my skin with claws that's how I feel when I think of what I've done and the twisted sick cruelty of it. I am horrified that I have gone to such lengths to hurt myself and that you were a victim. I have thrown a happier version of my life in the garbage ripped up and ruined, hurting ourselves to such an extreme that I'm terrified of what I will have to do to create the life you wanted for me without you being there to help. Without us being together, eating together, loving each other.

I have never experienced this kind of emotional pain before ‘Figuring it out’. I'm physically weak and in my stomach there's a mess of raw organs being crushed in the palm of a fist. I am a silhouette of a body concave and hunched over, literally pushed in, my middle scooped out, leaning forward, defeated, a hunchbacked thin frame with an empty balloon stomach pushing up out of my back. I cannot eat because of this pulsating clenched pain deep inside of me making me shake. Sleep is a realm I frantically clutch, waking with the burning punch still buried in my body inescapable by day. My mind is screaming ‘Figuring it out’ at every moment, looping, going in circles, thoughts spinning on repeat.

Everything I could've done to stop this, replaying the crime and beating myself for it over and over and over, this is what I'd wish for if I ever met a genie, turn back this time. Everything ignites the pain, your face, a memory, misery. Eggs and bacon. You're special egg sandwiches. The pork skin you made for me. The dumplings I'll have to face in my freezer for the last time stabbing stomach and screaming in my head burning at my eyes. How much I loved making them with you. Noodle soup. Listening to Serial. The first time I watched you make coffee. The hammock. My sister’s tights with the hole in them. The first time we had sex. All the times we've had sex. Youring love and body and mind and spirit. The toothbrush in my bathroom that I got for you, the blanket I bought so that you wouldn't get cold when you slept over that you'll never get to see. The panda stickers on my laptop and mirror and phone smashing rivers through my eyes. The magnets you bought for my mom. That beer can I stole with you. Your lilies fading in the vase I purchased right as we decay. I keep forgetting to drink water. Your roses dried up on my wall.

Seeing your earplugs threw me into desperate devastating despair. I kept them in a little treasure chest that I also used to store my razors in. I threw them away weeping for all the nights you won't be over to use them, bloody razors and bright blue ear plugs sitting in the trash. Your voice throughout the day saying things then fading out while the pain crescendos over, this current of hands strangling my insides. Guilt anger sadness, echoing loss torturing my breath, my limbs. I had everything I wanted and stole it from us. The magnitude of this self-destruction has me trembling all day, tears behind every thought, every thought thumping ‘Figuring it out’. Acting, actors, movies and commercials. Oysters. Food with you. Your beautiful face with that smile that I loved knowing was mine. Your kind meals. How sweet you are in the morning. The way I loved waking up turning over and touching you just to know I had you there. Covering your feet with blankets. Snow. Chinatown. Riding in the subway, where you found me, exactly what I'd always wanted, you there in the train reaching out to me.

I lost you and my chest compresses because I snapped your love in half and now we stand alone. The fact that now you will go on to love another person when it always should've been me breaks waves down upon me, washing over me, drowning me. The fact that I did this to myself, can’t get another chance, the fear of being without you and alone, the impact of this crater and the gigantic ripples of its consequence, years of my life changed for the worse in one moment, it’s such enormous pain. Work threw me into a flood of tears and torment because it was the first time I had to have daily life without the chance of you. Even flushing my sister’s toilet makes me remember flushing yours, being in your apartment, waking up in your bed, being naked with you. Never being held by you, never making love with you. Knowing I hate myself so much that I made you leave me. Having to go on alone now and knowing that I have to. Endless thoughts beating in my head, around, around, again.

I have to make myself better because I can never hurt myself or someone I love ever again because the tricks I play are only getting dirtier and are becoming more unbearable, more serious. Losing you is the first big loss I’ve had, this is grieving. I am in mourning because I killed my love, broken to break myself, each personal attack becoming more and more painful, and this one tops them all. This is the deepest cut I could have ever made ripping you away, this most devastating. I only see one way out. I have to do it the way you think I could, live life loudly and create or do and be strong. I have to because I cannot believe I actually did this to us and I'm horrified at what else this thing is willing to do to destroy me. I have no other option but to fix it all, at least to honor you and also beg for you. I cannot make it if I don't get better because this almost killed me. My next move against myself may be deadly. And the only hope I have is one day I'm better and you may want me one more time. Grimly knowing I have to face this life alone because I failed myself by hurting you, losing you, that if I cannot die I have to get through it somehow, this has drained me completely, the prospect of it, the overwhelming nature of this. I don’t have you, I don’t have you, I don’t have you anymore. I pray I meet you on the other side. Hours are so slow.

I scream and slice my insides to blood knowing you have gone and I will not get texts from you. We will not get drunk and kinky. The fact that now your underwear I must wear as a pledge to become better for you instead of wearing them for you, since I can no longer actually have you, because this is what you wanted. The only way out of this pain is never causing it again. Changing. Dedicating myself to something else and that else has to be me, and I’m so scared about it. About this future I have to make, scared to invest in me, trust me, take control, stop hiding. I physically quake at knowing the only way forward is out.  I’m moving to our death march and can’t function right now. But this pain is too great for cutting. It's too deep and surrounding and life shattering. Losing you has demolished me. I see that I cannot continue on the way I have. Change has to commence and I have to go on alone and I mourn for the companion I could’ve had. A deep look inside, a step out into the world, or I’ll always hurt myself and it’ll be worse every time. This hurt was too much, the loss too serious, and I try to feel brave about fixing my life but I am only horrified.

I wish so strongly that I had done all the things I didn't do that could have prevented my cruelty against us. Sabotage I could have stopped. This is guilt that wraps me tighter and tighter, deeper and deeper, lonelier and lonelier. I have loved you more then anyone I have ever met. You were everything I wanted and scared me to pieces. I failed to ask for help and now I will haunt you with this wound and I burn myself for it. I took a beautiful fragile soul and damaged it. I am so sorry ‘Figuring it out’ that I wasn't what you deserved, that you didn't get to see the way I really love you, that I paid your love back in betrayal and heartbreak. Your love is so beautiful. I am forever marked by this loss, self-inflicted. And I forever beg for you to come back. And I will try to live a life that you would have wanted to help create. I cannot go back. I have to go forward to maybe catch up to you, to ever be in any relationship again, to not scare people off from this cause.

I hope you will always love me and remember the special thing that we had before this gruesome act of ending. I imagine you'll never be able to remember me in a good light now that I cast shadow, but you lighted my life night and day. Please just know I will try to avenge us by murdering this thing inside of me because it murdered us and I never wanted to do it and I never wanted to hurt you. Please know I was a scared broken thing playing the big leagues of love whispering it couldn't be done in my ear hurting hurting hurting myself over and over and over. I'm so sorry I didn't lean on you the way I wanted to, let you in the way I needed to. I was scared you’d turn away from me. Instead I just forced you to. I won’t give you my reasons because it’s not what you deserve to hear, nothing justifies, not even that I overloaded from how much love I have for you.

My mother used to say that it wasn’t the quantity it was the quality of love that counted. I failed at giving the person I love most the love they should’ve received, the love I wanted to give, the love I actually have. I missed my chance and am now left knowing that I can love you exactly how you deserve but that you’ll never believe me again, never entrust yourself with me. This is my punishment, my personal purgatory.

I was so scared of love. And that’s the saddest part of all

because your love is the best.

I love you the most.

I love you the strongest.

I love you forever ‘Figuring it out’.

My ExBPD

[Figuring it out]

If you're interested, this was my introductory post and gives background to the reason behind this letter. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272382.0

[Infern0]

How appropriately histrionic.

Any interest in reconciling on your part?

Break the theatrics down to their rawest points and interprit from there, seems she wants you to swoop in and rescue her.

What do you want?

[Sunfl0wer]

My interpretation:

literally pushed in, my middle scooped out, leaning forward, defeated, a hunchbacked thin frame with an empty balloon stomach pushing up out of my back. I cannot eat because of this pulsating clenched pain deep inside of me making me shake.

I need you to see that I am in pain!  I am good at being dramatic and will paint a brilliant theatrical exaggerated picture of my pain.  My performance will impress and astound anyone.  You will be compelled to feel the pain with me.

"I have never experienced this kind of emotional pain before ‘Figuring it out’."

 

I will draw you in by sneaking in some flattery.  I will allude to you being special here and there, but not too much, as this letter is about me.

Everything I could've done to stop this

".  I know that you have always wanted me to take blame.  I will throw you this bone.

Even flushing my sister’s toilet makes me remember flushing yours

I will be as dramatic as humanely possible, and then I will still try to top that.  You will be forced to feel sorry for me.

I hope you will always love me and remember the special thing that we had before this gruesome act of ending."

This is my real goal of this letter.  I am in pain because I cannot leave things with you thinking badly of me.  (I can however, leave with you thinking well of me.) I want to control the way you think of me.  I'm desperate to know that you don't think badly of me.  I need to be validated by someone for my self esteem needs. 

It is clear that she is desperate, but desperate for what?

I think she thinks you painted her black and can't handle her feelings about that.

I think she is clearly trying to manipulate you into the hero role as she plays weak and pained one in need of rescuing.

I think it is telling of her... .  That all she talks about is her feelings.  She never attempts to think long about how you have been affected, your life, your feelings, your future, your past or present.

It seems like a desperate act on her part, to get some soothing that she cannot provide to herself.

I don't know about other people, but when I make a mistake, at work, in relationships, I volunteer and tell people what I will do to remedy the situation. I don't just fall apart and sulk over it.  Her actions of droning on about herself forever just negate any .001% compassion she expressed toward you.  Just my opinion tho.

[Figuring it out]

I know the relationship is not good for me. It would be so easy to take her back, but I think she needs to figure this out on her own. Even she mentioned that it was melodramatic but honest. I believe what she says and I would like her to be in my life perhaps later on, but not now. Not for a while.

So this is pretty typical of BPDs dealing with and relationship ending?

[Figuring it out]

Sunfl0wer,

Greatly appreciate your interpretation. You're right. Everything is "I" and any "you" is usually paired with an "I". I was really affected by the letter and it made me cry. It is like the emotion of someone very young... .

[Withdrawal]

I would only pray that I get such a letter from my exBPD. To know she actually even gets it enough to act  such a letter would be relief for me. If I got something like that, I can be pretty sure I would meet with her and tell her that the only way I would ever be with her again, if I would, is if she were in DBT therapy and sex addiction therapy for six months and agrees to take a lie detector test whenever I want her to after that. I wouldn't get back together with her for six months at least. See if she's for real. Cause I don't trust mine at all anymore. She has lied to me too many times and too convincingly. So, I would be thrilled to get such a letter, but would set up any future with severe boundaries and limits. With no assurance that I would be into the idea in the end at all. But I would feel better about life and love in general if mine ever even wrote half as much about how sorry she is.

I'm glad to read yours though… because it just made me realize that even if I did get something like that, I still probably wouldn't get back with her. They're too f'in crazy and sickening.

[Sunfl0wer]

I just went and read your earlier thread.  I wonder if she thinks she can put on a display of so much pain, that she can blind you into ignoring her behaviors of cheating. Ignoring your values.

Anyway... .

Now that we focused on her... .

How about we switch focus on you?

Figuring it Out, I am so sorry that you have gone through so much in such a short time.  I see that you have been caring, compassionate and have tried to be a genuine sense of support to her. 

I wish I had more to say for you.  I am working on learning more around here to cope with the end of my r/s.  Tonight was tricky.  My uBPDstbexbf showed some kindness for the first time in weeks.  I was on edge, waiting for him to explode, and I was surprised that he flipped to kindness unexpectedly.  I was so grateful. 

As I thought of the warm gratitude feelings I was having, I felt sad for myself at the same time.  My grateful feelings felt more like having Stockholm syndrome.  I have been deprived of his kindness for so long that inside I felt such joy and gratitude for him.  Kindness should be normal!  It should not be exceptional!  I can't believe that I feel so deprived, that emotional abuse is my new normal, and kindness is like the Fourth of July to me! 

[raisins3142]

I would only pray that I get such a letter from my exBPD. To know she actually even gets it enough to act  such a letter would be relief for me. If I got something like that, I can be pretty sure I would meet with her and tell her that the only way I would ever be with her again, if I would, is if she were in DBT therapy and sex addiction therapy for six months and agrees to take a lie detector test whenever I want her to after that. I wouldn't get back together with her for six months at least. See if she's for real. Cause I don't trust mine at all anymore. She has lied to me too many times and too convincingly. So, I would be thrilled to get such a letter, but would set up any future with severe boundaries and limits. With no assurance that I would be into the idea in the end at all. But I would feel better about life and love in general if mine ever even wrote half as much about how sorry she is.

I'm glad to read yours though… because it just made me realize that even if I did get something like that, I still probably wouldn't get back with her. They're too f'in crazy and sickening.

Lie detector tests are not reliable.  It's been researched.

Just an FYI for anyone that would actually strap a BPD to one.

[raisins3142]

Anyone can say or write some words.  Actions matter.  She has shown you who she is and what she does in relationships.

If you must keep a copy of the letter.  I'd print it and then lock it up somewhere.  And I would go no contact.

Sorry, I'm just being blunt here.  No way this relationship can be healthy for you.  It would take a very long time for her to get somewhat better.  I doubt you want to wait around in a disordered relationship hoping she gets into therapy, stays in it, and it works. you

Also, in this relationship, even is you use protection, you have an elevated risk of contracting an STD or raising another man's child, not to mention all the emotional and psychological damage.


Best wishes.  This is very tough.

[Targeted]

Tell her to use that strength of love for you she writes about and turn it into what matters,  actions!.  She can take all those feelings to a professional to get help, if her actions are to do so than maybe you can talk about other things later,

Just my thoughts,

[Infared]

F.I.O... .I read your earlier post... .this is so upsetting. Like most BPD'S... .

I think your instincts are correct. The only thing you can do is take care of you. The person that wrote that letter is not capable of a mature, adult relationship. Her actions do not match up with her delusional, emotional rambling and gushing. It's also soo childlike. Sorry to be so blunt... .but that letter is disturbing to me, knowing your history.

I think that you need to move away from this and take care of you. Beccause of your dynamic I do not think that your can be helpful to her and her disease because you are invested in her as an adult love relationship. So you trying to help her would just be too painful and not possible because of your history. You have too much invested in a short time.  Life plays awful tricks on us sometimes. Trust me... I know this, too.

[Plonko]

I know it's a horrible thing to say but that letter sounds to me like a torrent of me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Possibly with added foot stamping and other child-like tantrum actions. All masked in an attempt at flowery poetic language. I say steer well clear, remain NC and continue your recovery.

[hope2727]

Hi,

So sorry you had to endure everything you have been through. I am racing out the door to work but let me add this to your thoughts. My first thought as I read was "I am not your therapist". And she obviously needs one.

With my ex I actually had to tell him that point blank. I even had to tell him 'call your therapist' when he was dysregulated and then go hide and study on campus. IT was horrible but necessary. I have the suicide crisis line on my cell phone and have read it aloud to him.

You are not her therapist and cannot heal her pain. Only she can do that. Vomiting it on you is emotional abuse. So take good care of you and let her take care of her. She is a grown up with excellent resources available.

Ok hugs. Please take care of yourself. Being sent things like that is gutting and takes its toll.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

My interpretation:

literally pushed in, my middle scooped out, leaning forward, defeated, a hunchbacked thin frame with an empty balloon stomach pushing up out of my back. I cannot eat because of this pulsating clenched pain deep inside of me making me shake.

I need you to see that I am in pain!  I am good at being dramatic and will paint a brilliant theatrical exaggerated picture of my pain.  My performance will impress and astound anyone.  You will be compelled to feel the pain with me.

"I have never experienced this kind of emotional pain before ‘Figuring it out’."

 

I will draw you in by sneaking in some flattery.  I will allude to you being special here and there, but not too much, as this letter is about me.

Everything I could've done to stop this

".  I know that you have always wanted me to take blame.  I will throw you this bone.

Even flushing my sister’s toilet makes me remember flushing yours

I will be as dramatic as humanely possible, and then I will still try to top that.  You will be forced to feel sorry for me.

I hope you will always love me and remember the special thing that we had before this gruesome act of ending."

This is my real goal of this letter.  I am in pain because I cannot leave things with you thinking badly of me.  (I can however, leave with you thinking well of me.) I want to control the way you think of me.  I'm desperate to know that you don't think badly of me.  I need to be validated by someone for my self esteem needs. 

It is clear that she is desperate, but desperate for what?

I think she thinks you painted her black and can't handle her feelings about that.

I think she is clearly trying to manipulate you into the hero role as she plays weak and pained one in need of rescuing.

I think it is telling of her... .  That all she talks about is her feelings.  She never attempts to think long about how you have been affected, your life, your feelings, your future, your past or present.

It seems like a desperate act on her part, to get some soothing that she cannot provide to herself.

I don't know about other people, but when I make a mistake, at work, in relationships, I volunteer and tell people what I will do to remedy the situation. I don't just fall apart and sulk over it.  Her actions of droning on about herself forever just negate any .001% compassion she expressed toward you.  Just my opinion tho.

Exactly.

All I needed to read were the first two sentences of each paragraph.

It's not about lost love.  Not at all.

She needs to have control of you.

[Figuring it out]

Thank you for the outpouring of support. I didn't expect to see so many responses when I woke up. I have responded to each of you!

Withdrawl,

It felt so nice to get the letter from my exBPD, and she definitely stirred the pot with it. In the email she sent with the letter she also told me that I'm going to be receiving another one when her sister picks up her things. I feel like I'm very weak right now and want nothing but to get back together again and for us to be good, but I have a feeling that she's not fixed.

She told me one thing about what happened when she went and saw the guy and then changed the story to make it seemed as if she was raped. I questioned her about it and then I contacted her sister (My exBPD asked her to contact me while she was under observation) to tell my exBPD being raped and she told me that she had heard a slightly different story. So I don't think I can deal with the anxiety and manipulation.

Sunfl0wer,

I tried to give me all to this short but very intense relationship and I just got to a place where I allowed myself to feel. Her actions aren't EXACTLY textbook but very close to it. I'm sorry for your feelings and you deserve proper love in your life. It's funny how when examining other relationships, one is able to see clearly but with your own, your passion/love/need/wishes/desires cloud us from seeing things for what they are. I wish you the best in your recovery from your uBPDstbexbf.

By the way, what do all of those letters stand for. I get the BPD and the exbf.

Raisins,

I plan on going no contact. I'm not printing it but it will always be in my inbox. Since I'm an artist and filmmaker, I think I may be able to find a way to use it in my creative endeavors as a way to cope. I agree with you that the relationship is not healthy. I overlooked some important things because of the love I had for her. I feel that she loved me in the way that she could and it has been very passionate and fulfilling and I guess that's why it hurts so much.


Unfortunately, I just found out that my uncle passed away last night who I was close to and it puts this situation in a different light. I feel it is less significant now and also the support from this group is great. The thing I see stressed is that SHE WILL NOT EVER BE BETTER. It makes me very sad, but I really really do hope that she finds a way to cope. I know NC is the way to go, but I will be wishing her a happy birthday (coming up later this month) and will check in with her sister periodically to make sure she's ok. I really do care about her.

Targeted,

She is currently getting professional help, but sometime she cheats (no pun intended, haha). She goes to DBT regularly and just started taking a new round of drugs which supposedly helps. She said in the letter that she's going to try and get better, but it may be an attempt to placate me. I will create space between me and her and try to work on myself so I can be a better person.

Infrared,

Thank you for your kind words. You seemed to have suffered as well. I think after a decent amount of time has passed, I would like to make contact to see if she has improved. When in the relationship she felt a remorse in hurting a past love and they have reconnected and were hanging out. It was a girl and she said that there was nothing sexual because she had hurt her too much and if she tried anything, that could make the other girl make another attempt to take her own life. (she is another BPD). You are right in that is a much like a child’s rambling tantrum, but it is touching as so many of the things she writes are very strong moments that we shared that I cherish. Some important, some small and significant. It could be manipulation, but I think a lot of things that a BPD person does (does pwBPD mean person with BPD?) is like a normal person.

I dated a girl once and when we broke up, she wrote me a letter recounting her affection, her disappointment, and the lovely moments we had together.  She was very sad, but we weren’t a good match, but she wasn’t BPD. I truly wish the best for her and would like to see her recover. I honestly would like to try again with her later on, but I think once time passes, I will realize much of what you all realize that she will forever have the burden of this disease on her shoulders.

Plonko,

I completely agree and I’d rather not have things sugar coated. Thanks for writing.

Hope,

She actually does have a therapist she sees along with the DBT treatment. However, this one is not as good as her previous. She gets treatment for free after her attempt and the therapists she sees rotate since they are grad students. I know now that I cannot help her and she needs to help herself. This even has hurt a lot but has also opened my eyes about mental illness and the people suffering from it and the people who have to cope with it. I do not want to villainize her because I truly do care about her and I do and I don’t blame her for her actions if that makes sense.  It hurts but I know that healing takes time. I just hope that my psyche is not damaged from this experience and use it to become a better and more empathetic person. Was it difficult separating?

[Sunfl0wer]

Her actions aren't EXACTLY textbook but very close to it.

Maybe like Infern said, could she be more histrionic?

By the way, what do all of those letters stand for. I get the BPD and the exbf.

Lol, I'm still figuring things out so I'm sure my letters were not exactly in the right place.  Un diagnosed, BPD, soon to be ex boyfriend.

[raisins3142]

She could get better in the future, but are you willing to put up with what you have been while you wait on an uncertain outcome?

My undiagnosed BPD exgf (uBPDexgf) seemed relatively high functioning and self aware compared to some mentioned here, and I literally would not trust anything out of her mouth and almost nothing would surprise me.  She could be upset with me over something I knew nothing of and was odd (like asking her to change driving plans, which once caused her to be mad at me for over a day simply because she had to drive 30 minutes at 10 am); and if someone approached or contacted her I could see her feeling justified in sleeping with them and never telling me about it.  I have no proof that she did this to me, but I know she very much has it in her.  You can't trust a person like that at all, and I don't welcome "wolves" into my home any longer.

I told her how I felt when exgf's hung out with single men (that were interested in them or exs) alone and in private in the past.  I'm sure she found that boundary controlling, so I would not be surprised if she put herself in those situations just to get at me unknowingly or to prove me wrong (right?).  These folks are about the most unreasonable people on Earth.  At least many schizophrenics, once medicated, know that they were hearing voices in their heads before that were auto-generated by an illness.

Of course, like most BPDs, if they tell you "I won't do that (again?)" then you are abusive and have trust issues, according to them, if you do not take them at their word.

[nowwhatz]

Wow!

I wish my exgf would have put this kind of stuff in a long letter so at least when she denied saying things I could refer to letter.

That is really incredible.  I agree with sunfl0wer's interpretation.

[apollotech]

Anyone can say or write some words.  Actions matter.  She has shown you who she is and what she does in relationships [emphasis mine].

If you must keep a copy of the letter.  I'd print it and then lock it up somewhere.  And I would go no contact.

Sorry, I'm just being blunt here.  No way this relationship can be healthy for you [emphasis mine].  It would take a very long time for her to get somewhat better.  I doubt you want to wait around in a disordered relationship hoping she gets into therapy, stays in it, and it works. you

Also, in this relationship, even is you use protection, you have an elevated risk of contracting an STD or raising another man's child, not to mention all the emotional and psychological damage.


Best wishes.  This is very tough.

I feel for you brother. You are correct, it is "emotionally" a very lovely written letter, but expressing little of real value. Simply, where is the practical/useful/applicable substance... .how she is going to change herself moving forward, how she is going to make amends for her infidelity, how to grow the relationship? People afflicted with BPD are masters at generating chaos, thereby keeping the relationship mired in an infantile stage of development. Actions and energies are consumed in relationship repair rather than in relationship development. Equally absent, there is very little addressing your feelings/wants/thoughts/needs. As with most BPD monologs, it is very self-centered and without much practical benefit for the relationship. I personally have three such letters from my BPDexgf. Unfortunately, they never brought about applicable/beneficial change for our relationship.

I am with raisians3142, their ACTIONS tell the tale. Their words are lip service, part of their mirage, oftentimes used to mesmerize. To see this in the letters addressed to me, I printed them and struck through all of the emotional dribble, very little was left.

I wish you all the best with any decision(s) that you make. Whether you choose to stay or leave, both paths will be tough to traverse. I hope that you attain peace and enlightenment on your journey.

[Sunfl0wer]

Actions and energies are consumed in relationship repair rather than in relationship development.

 

Thank you Apollotech!  You just gave me a piece of insight I struggled with for years!  Now I know why!   That makes so much sense, I complained about this, took proactive steps, but it was always one step fwd, two, three steps back.  A never ending regression. 

Wow I needed that!

[billypilgrim]

It's interesting to me to see the same sorts of letters/e-mails get posted over and over again from different folks' partners.  I've been on this site for 3 or 4 months now and almost once a week someone posts something they received from their ex.  They all read like this one.  They're good.  They all play to our emotional sides. They all recall sentimental memories.  And for a moment, it looks like they've slid back into playing that role of the partner that we originally fell for.  We see them again, ever so briefly.  And we might think that they have come around or somehow realized that they screwed up and they are back to make amends.  Maybe if we try things again, it'll work this time, we start to think.  They seem to be saying all of the things we so desperately wanted them to say when things started to sour.

But then when you cut through the fluff, it's just more of the same.  It's all about them.  It's them testing the connection or reaching back out in desperation.  We are still just a means to an end.  Something to be used until the next shiny new thing comes along.  

Her opening paragraph focuses solely on her and her hurt.  You are mentioned only by way of her having to write you because she hurts.  There's no real acknowledgement that she hurt you or that she is remorseful for hurting you on it's own merits, only by means that she is hurting now as a result of hurting you.  There's no apology.  Only her graciously letting you know that you are now unblocked from her phone.  Congrats, you've finally made it in the world.

Her next paragraph is basically a continuation of the first, only she really hones in on how she has never hurt like this before.  She is once again the victim and she is in need of rescuing.  :)espite the fact that this is her own doing. She can't sleep, she can't eat, blah blah blah.  No mention of you or curiosity as to how you are doing.  Have you been able to eat?  Have you been able to sleep?  How did her actions affect you?  Those questions likely never crossed her mind.

Now her third paragraph is where I feel like you may have struggled a bit, it's where I would have struggled anyway.  She brings up all of those special memories the two of you shared.  She finally gets around to discussing you but only in reference to how you made her feel.  In this paragraph, she might start to mirror that projection of her that you have of her in your head.  She's playing that role of your partner again - she needs you again.  But her feelings and needs are still primary.  Those sandwiches you made her.  All of the things you made her.  And then she very cleverly includes a metaphor at the end of her wilting away like a flower without water.  You are her water.  Yes, she is a good writer.  But read her words for what they really are.  We are now 3 paragraphs in and she has yet to express true, sincere concern for you in any meaningful or real way.  

The same sentiments continue in the next paragraphs.  Little things that remind her of the two of you.  Likely tough to read but honestly, not much substance.  Please don't take that the wrong way but it is was it is.  Words and memories.  No substance.  

Then she gets to the troubling parts.   "I cannot make it if I don't get better because this almost killed me. My next move against myself may be deadly."  If this isn't a "I hate you, don't leave me" sort of comment, then I don't know what is.  Why put this on you?  She is her own responsibility, not yours.  But this is her pleading with you to come rescue her.  Guilting you into helping her.  Look how bad things could go if you don't help me "Figuring it out!"  You need to save her again. So she can use you up and go out and repeat the same mistakes that she's always made.  Ugh.

Then comes the apology, if you want to call it that.  "I am so sorry ‘Figuring it out’ that I wasn't what you deserved, that you didn't get to see the way I really love you, that I paid your love back in betrayal and heartbreak."  You didn't see the way that she really loved you?  Please.  Her love expressed itself by cheating on you?  That's not love, friend.  And you don't understand her love for you how exactly?  This is her dangling the carrot - you might have even questioned how exactly did I not understand how she loved me?  Is it my fault that I didn't see how she really did love me?  More emotional manipulation.  And this is supposed to be her grand apology after 7 paragraphs of build up?  It rings pretty hollow, if you ask me.  She buries the apology toward the end of the letter, sandwiched between talk of how "horrified" she is of having to live with the consequences of her actions and this quote: "And I forever beg for you to come back. And I will try to live a life that you would have wanted to help create. I cannot go back. I have to go forward to maybe catch up to you, to ever be in any relationship again, to not scare people off from this cause."  I suppose that's her prerogative as she is free to do as she wishes but to me, that comes across as a complete disregard to the boundaries you laid down regarding infidelity.  

The last two paragraphs are also frustrating to read.  She continues in her apology.  But in the same vein as the previous attempts.  She is so sorry because now she hurts and you are gone.  She is really trying to drive home the fact that she is now the victim, despite everything being her own doing - which at times, she seems refreshingly self aware of.  And then there's this nugget: "I won’t give you my reasons because it’s not what you deserve to hear, nothing justifies, not even that I overloaded from how much love I have for you."  She won't give you reasons because she doesn't think about the consequences of her actions.  In addition, this is a bit of a power play sentence.  I won't give you the reasons because you don't deserve to hear them.  Or said another way, I'm in control here, I'll tell you what you need to hear because I need to control the way you view me.  After all, she seems more concerned with the way you view her than actually apologizing to you for her actions.

And then we get to acceptance.  She has accepted her fate.  Purgatory.  I laughed at this a bit.  Of course she chose the temporary locale to bide her time while she waits for you to come back.  She's just going to remain in Paradise's waiting room while you come back around.  And to prove that to you, here's all this talk about how she can "really love you" next time.  Just look! " I failed at giving the person I love most the love they should’ve received, the love I wanted to give, the love I actually have."  

And there you have it.  One very well written, albeit hollow, "apology" letter.  And I hope you don't interpret anything negatively about my post.  You are brave for sharing something so personal and intimate.  And this is just my interpretation of what she wrote.  I received a similar sort of letter as have many others on these boards.  As I said, they all read the same.  To me, this is just another "oh crap, I screwed up" letter.  You mentioned that you've stood firm and told her you need to let her go.  Stick to that.  Let her go, she's not your responsibility anymore.  Best of luck.

[apollotech]

Actions and energies are consumed in relationship repair rather than in relationship development.

 

Thank you Apollotech!  You just gave me a piece of insight I struggled with for years!  Now I know why!   That makes so much sense, I complained about this, took proactive steps, but it was always one step fwd, two, three steps back.  A never ending regression. 

Wow I needed that!

Sunfl0wer,

You are very welcome. I am happy that you gained an insight from my meager ramblings. I completely (unfortunately!) understand the one step forward, two steps back analogy... .and accompanying frustration(s). I onetime told my BPDexgf that for every board that I nailed onto the house, she tore three off. Naturally, she looked at me like "I" was the crazy one.

[HappyNihilist]

Figuring, I'm sorry you're in such a painful, difficult situation.   Having to deal with infidelity and the end of a possible BPD relationship is devastating enough. And now to have a letter like this from your ex -- that can definitely be triggering, confusing, and hurtful.

It sounds like you're handling this with a lot of grace and compassion. It's good that your ex is seeking help. You're absolutely right that this is something she has to do for herself. She may get a little better, she may get a lot better, and she may not change at all. But as you know, that's completely out of your control.

Now is the time to focus on yourself and your well-being. 

It's interesting to me to see the same sorts of letters/e-mails get posted over and over again from different folks' partners.  I've been on this site for 3 or 4 months now and almost once a week someone posts something they received from their ex.  They all read like this one.  They're good.  They all play to our emotional sides. They all recall sentimental memories.  And for a moment, it looks like they've slid back into playing that role of the partner that we originally fell for.  We see them again, ever so briefly.  And we might think that they have come around or somehow realized that they screwed up and they are back to make amends.  Maybe if we try things again, it'll work this time, we start to think.  They seem to be saying all of the things we so desperately wanted them to say when things started to sour.

But then when you cut through the fluff, it's just more of the same.  It's all about them.  It's them testing the connection or reaching back out in desperation.  We are still just a means to an end.  Something to be used until the next shiny new thing comes along.  

It's so true. I've seen a lot of similar emails here, and I have emails like that from my own exBPDbf (from both during and after the relationship).

Borderlines are capable of very real periods of regret and pain, but it's usually less about the other person's feelings and more about themselves. Everything in the borderline's life is first and foremost about his/her own emotional needs and survival.

"I hope you will always love me and remember the special thing that we had before this gruesome act of ending."

This is my real goal of this letter.  I am in pain because I cannot leave things with you thinking badly of me.  (I can however, leave with you thinking well of me.) I want to control the way you think of me.  I'm desperate to know that you don't think badly of me.  I need to be validated by someone for my self esteem needs. 

[Trog]

How appropriately histrionic.

Any interest in reconciling on your part?

Any on hers?

Pen in one hand while the one other is pleasuring herself. Ive never read such a masterbatery apology in my life. It's like she's revelling in it. Bluergh - anyone else feel dirty?

Sorry dude I know you love/d her and it hurts, my ex was similarly wordy and in the end it stopped being impressive and just covered the fact she couldn't be straight if her life depended on it

[1989]

She's describing the emptiness she feels.  She blew it and lost you and she knows it, and that has left her feeling "empty."  This is all about her and has very little to do with any feelings of remorse for what she has put YOU through.

I teared up when I read it, because she really is in pain, but she's only concerned about herself.

If you ignore the words, what have her actions shown you?  Judge the actions.  I wish I had.

[Trog]

She's describing the emptiness she feels.  She blew it and lost you and she knows it, and that has left her feeling "empty."  This is all about her and has very little to do with any feelings of remorse for what she has put YOU through.

I teared up when I read it, because she really is in pain, but she's only concerned about herself.

Ive been recycled 3 times. Ive responded to these crys for help large and small, the theatrics of 'my life is over im going to kill myself' i dropped everything and showed up and found her laughing with friends watching the TV and looking at me like I'm crazy for rushing round. Maybe she felt that way for an hour for one day - all BPD emotions are facts, beware reading too much into this, it's so expertly worded that I don't think she's actually in this raw pain.

Like everyone says, where are the actions? If you truly realised u screwes up and hurt someone and want to put it right... .Why not apologise and lay down what you'll do. This is for her. At that moment.

[Invictus01]

Dude,

Suppose all this is real and that's how she really feels. That's cool. BUT... .she needs therapy. YEARS of therapy. Even if it works in the end (well, to some extend at least), in that time frame, she will put you through such an insane emotional hell ride I doubt you will be able to survive it with her. Take a moment and check out some threads in the Staying section and what people put up with. It is up to you what you wanna do here, but think carefully. Very very carefully.

Good luck with whatever your decision ends up being.

[FlSunshineGirl]

This is not an apology letter. You deserve someone healthy who will be faithful to you and appreciate you. This letter is to stir up your emotions. To make you feel sorry for her, to see what pain you're causing her. She spent more time talking about her pain and her feelings than sincerely feeling bad for what she did to you and apologizing to you... .focusing on how you are feeling from her actions.

She can't tolerate that you see her in a bad light.

People with BPD use guilt and shame on us and will resort to anything to have us not leave them.

Actions speak louder than words. We all have to remember that. Most of us have given chance after chance for them to change to no avail.

My ex said all sorts of "no one loved me like you loved me" and "I'm so sorry I treated you badly" types of grand declarations when he thought he had lost me one time.

So many promises of change and working on himself and getting better. All empty promises.

I'm at 45 days NC (from me, he broke NC and contacted me today by email but I'm not responding) and it is the only way for us all to truly heal.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Be strong! Hugs!

[Compassion14]

Hi Figuring it out,

Thank you for sharing your letter.

I concur with everything said advising you not to invest in this and to acknowledge the total bias towards her pain and not yours throughout.

My gut reaction, and the sentence the jumps out screaming at me is;

"I missed my chance and am now left knowing that I can love you exactly how you deserve but that you’ll never believe me again, never entrust yourself with me. This is my punishment, my personal purgatory."

KNOWING THAT I CAN LOVE YOU EXACTLY HOW YOU DESERVE.

This makes me angry, for you. To be translated to; I have the love you need. I could make you happy. You are deserting me at MY hour of need and I need to torture and temp you back, for ME, for ME, for ME. This is quite simply untrue and utterly cruel.

The fact is, your ex, like mine, was and is entirely incapable of loving you , or anyone else, properly, let alone 'exactly how you deserve.' Please do not be manipulated back into this rollercoaster of negative emotion.

You deserve love, absolutely. You deserve to loved 'exactly as you deserve it' - totally - but from someone that mentally can. She can not.

Stay strong and safe guard that precious beating heart in your chest. One day it will stop - don't give the best of it to someone unable to function on the most basic of emotional levels.

C14 x 

[Figuring it out]

Sunfl0wer,

I think she definitely has histronic tendencies, but I think she's is BPD for sure. She cuts, body dismorphia, promiscuity, binging, etc. I'm glad that you figured something out through Apollotech's message!

Raisins,

The more I read your responses, the more I'm leaning towards being done. However, one thing I want to do is periodically check up on her. I know that she's not my responsibility, but she has very few people in her life and I feel like I just want to make sure she's ok. I know NC is probably the best choice, but I feel like I'll have moved on and she will still be battling her BPD.

Apollotech,

Thanks for your analysis! I have already chosen to leave. But it's painful and it's nice to know that others have experienced it. It seems crazy that this letter is "textbook" but it's so real and painful for me. Leaving is the tougher choice currently, but better for me in the long run.

Billypilgrim,

Thanks so much for taking the time and assessing the letter paragraph by paragraph. It really helped me take a more objective view rather than subjective perspective. The memories and the things we did hurt the most because those things I did all came from a loving place. No one has loved her the way I have as she's chosen some pretty terrible men in her life and I wanted to change that. She have victimized herself in the letter and I'm really glad you showed that to me. The letter made me think that there might still have been a chance, but I see that this is just another manipulation technique. Do you think badly of your ex or do you feel sorry for them? I really appreciate your candidness and your post has been very enlightening! Thank you!

HappyNihilist,

Thank you for your kind words. This has been very hard for me and I really appreciate the huge outpouring of support from the great people here. I feel like I'm understood and people are so helpful. I don't doubt my exBPDgf is in an immense amount of pain right now. I'm sure she's not hunched over diabolically planning her next attack. I see her as someone suffering on the inside trying to cope with a really scary world with too little ammunition. So she does what she knows how and uses the tools she has at her disposal. She's become really good with those tools for her, but not for others. I can see that everything she's doing is also for her own survival. I really do wish her the best and I doubt I will be involved with her again, I would like to make sure she's ok because she still is very special to me. Is that ok? To find someone special even if they hurt you and wish the best for them?

Trog,

I think reconciling is all she wants and that's all I really want, but I can't handle this pain again, so I'm going to protect myself and work on myself. Thanks for being straight up with what you think!

1989,

I teared up too! Duh. Haha. I find that some on these boards treat BPDs as villains, but I think they're people too and they're hurt, experience pain and suffering maybe more that we do. She was wrong. I know she was wrong. I'm moving on but I will always love her.

Invictus,

I just took a long look at the staying section and I feel badly for the people staying. It seems SO rough and it seems that very few success stories come out of a relationship with a BPD. And it looks like it's success with disclaimers. I think I've made the right choice to walk away. Thank you for suggesting to check out the staying section!

FlSunshineGirl,

You're totally right. I totally needed a hug so thanks for the virtual one! I guess I'll start the NC. BUT she kind of started the NC because she's sending her sister to pick things up because she knows that I'm a trigger for her. I'm really going to miss her. But I also know that this is going to make me stronger and understand what a healthy relationship is. :-)

Compassion,

I really like your screenname. Wow. I didn't even see that. Thanks for pointing that out. I've made my decision for NC but I will wish her a happy birthday and periodically check in on her. No I will be on my guard with people that I start dating for BPD symptoms. I hope that this has not hurt my ability to love another. Thanks for your last line "Stay strong and safe guard that precious beating heart in your chest. One day it will stop - don't give the best of it to someone unable to function on the most basic of emotional levels." I really appreciate that!

[Compassion14]

You are welcome. I am glad you can take something from what I feel very strongly from your posts. :-) 

I understand feeling still connected to her and feeling a desire, and safety blanket almost, of wanting to wish her happy birthday etc. I wish you an evolution of your feelings to the point that this no longer feels appropriate eventually. I would worry that she'd pull you in at times like that, or that you'll get more hurt if/when you see that she no longer is engaged with you at that point.

You have to do what feels right - just put yourself first - that is the most important thing now. YOU.

Hugs, Compassion14

[Invictus01]

Invictus,

I just took a long look at the staying section and I feel badly for the people staying. It seems SO rough and it seems that very few success stories come out of a relationship with a BPD. And it looks like it's success with disclaimers. I think I've made the right choice to walk away. Thank you for suggesting to check out the staying section!

I had a meeting with a psychologist last week to start working through my own issues related to all this stuff. I sent her a thank you email afterwards because I felt like I finally talked to somebody in person who understood me. Here is a part of her reply to me - "I'm glad the session brought you some relief, and again I can validate how difficult if not impossible it is to have a healthy relationship with someone who is struggling with personality disorder issues! I'm glad you are "re-framing" your painful experience as a challenge to explore more about what you really want in your life right now." Straight from a licensed professional with specialty in personality disorders. Keep this in mind if she ever comes back again with even more tear jerking stuff... .

[apollotech]

Figuring it out,

I saw where you posted to raisians that you were thinking of occasionally checking up on your BPDSO. I am certainly not telling you what to do or what not to do, but be advised, unless you have control of yourself, you could very well find yourself reliving this pain. A BPD's survival tactics/skills are very honed and exact. They certainly command respect as a predator.

With that said, I too am, at some point, going to reestablish communications with my BPDexgf. We can no longer be romantically involved nor am I even sure that I could ever call her "friend" again, but I know that I can bring some stability into her life. I have a thread about it on this board. The thread title is: Auxiliary Contact with a BPD exSO? My BPDexgf is not blocked on any devices nor any sites. In fact, she sent me a text tonight. I have chosen not to respond. It takes awhile and a lot of work to get there, but it is possible.

If you make the choice to contact her, be sure that the re-engagement is primarily on your terms. Be sure that you are well versed in BPD behavior. Understand and accept that you are dealing with a person that has a severe personality disorder. Have control of your thoughts, emotions, and actions. Be prepared to extend compassion, love, and forgiveness.

[Invictus01]

Figuring it out,

I saw where you posted to raisians that you were thinking of occasionally checking up on your BPDSO. I am certainly not telling you what to do or what not to do, but be advised, unless you have control of yourself, you could very well find yourself reliving this pain. A BPD's survival tactics/skills are very honed and exact. They certainly command respect as a predator.

With that said, I too am, at some point, going to reestablish communications with my BPDexgf. We can no longer be romantically involved nor am I even sure that I could ever call her "friend" again, but I know that I can bring some stability into her life. I have a thread about it on this board. The thread title is: Auxiliary Contact with a BPD exSO? My BPDexgf is not blocked on any devices nor any sites. In fact, she sent me a text tonight. I have chosen not to respond. It takes awhile and a lot of work to get there, but it is possible.

If you make the choice to contact her, be sure that the re-engagement is primarily on your terms. Be sure that you are well versed in BPD behavior. Understand and accept that you are dealing with a person that has a severe personality disorder. Have control of your thoughts, emotions, and actions. Be prepared to extend compassion, love, and forgiveness.

To be honest, I'm not sure if staying friends or something along those lines is a good idea. They intentionally or unintentionally screw over just about everybody in their lives. You can be split black or white or any other color of a rainbow for something a normal brain wouldn't even consider to be anything, no matter how much you watch what you do or say. Is this really a friendship anybody deserves?

[downwhim]

Figuring It Out,

"I wish so strongly that I had done all the things I didn't do that could have prevented my cruelty against us"

She dances around the fact she cheated on you. Where does she say how sorry she is that she broke your trust and cheated on you? This quote is so dramatic too.

This woman needs a lot of help.

I would suggest N/C too. You need to Take time away from her and read this letter 6 months from now after being on this board learning and reading and pouring your heart out.   

[jhkbuzz]

Sunfl0wer,

Greatly appreciate your interpretation. You're right. Everything is "I" and any "you" is usually paired with an "I". I was really affected by the letter and it made me cry. It is like the emotion of someone very young... .

There is a reason for that.  BPD is, at it's core, arrested emotional development, usually due to trauma at a young age.  This is why they can't manage adult, intimate r/s's.  And this will not change quickly or easily.

Keep in mind that the emotions that she's feeling for you are NOT the same emotions that you're feeling for her.

This puzzled me for a long time in my own 8 year r/s.  What I finally figured out was that my ex had a more child-like love for me - it was based on the fact that I met her needs and that she felt safe with me.  But, emotionally, it was always all about her.  Over time, I had to ignore my needs to meet hers... .not a healthy adult r/s by any stretch of the imagination.

I know that letter was hard for you to read... .when you love someone in an adult way (and you see they're in pain), you want to reach out and help.  What she's trying to make you believe (and that she may actually believe herself) is that YOU are the answer to her pain.

You are not.  You may be a temporary "fix" - but the answer to her pain lies within HER - to get into therapy and deal with her dysfunctional life. If you are tempted to be her "pain relief," it will come at an excruciatingly high cost to YOU. And, in the end, it won't work.

To this day, the saddest moment I had after my r/s ended was the day I had to get tested for STD's.

This disorder is BRUTAL.

[Infared]

Sunfl0wer,

Greatly appreciate your interpretation. You're right. Everything is "I" and any "you" is usually paired with an "I". I was really affected by the letter and it made me cry. It is like the emotion of someone very young... .

There is a reason for that.  BPD is, at it's core, arrested emotional development, usually due to trauma at a young age.  This is why they can't manage adult, intimate r/s's.  And this will not change quickly or easily.

Keep in mind that the emotions that she's feeling for you are NOT the same emotions that you're feeling for her.

This puzzled me for a long time in my own 8 year r/s.  What I finally figured out was that my ex had a more child-like love for me - it was based on the fact that I met her needs and that she felt safe with me.  But, emotionally, it was always all about her.  Over time, I had to ignore my needs to meet hers... .not a healthy adult r/s by any stretch of the imagination.

I know that letter was hard for you to read... .when you love someone in an adult way (and you see they're in pain), you want to reach out and help.  What she's trying to make you believe (and that she may actually believe herself) is that YOU are the answer to her pain.

You are not.  You may be a temporary "fix" - but the answer to her pain lies within HER - to get into therapy and deal with her dysfunctional life. If you are tempted to be her "pain relief," it will come at an excruciatingly high cost to YOU.

To this day, the saddest moment I had after my r/s ended was the day I had to get tested for STD's.

This disorder is BRUTAL.

EXCELLENT!

[billypilgrim]

Billypilgrim,

Do you think badly of your ex or do you feel sorry for them? I really appreciate your candidness and your post has been very enlightening! Thank you!

I'm glad my interpretation helped.  Like you, my ex had some not so savory choices in former partners.  She said I was different.  I was the first guy to ever take her on a date.  The first guy that didn't view her as an object (well maybe if you didn't act like a sex object, other people wouldn't treat you like one).  The first guy that ever cared.  Blah blah blah.  This was all part of the love bombing phase.  I don't buy it.  I think she gives the same spiel to every guy she meets.  She vilified her ex to me that she ended up replacing me with.  Round and round we go.     

As to answering your question above, it honestly depends on the day.  I will say that recently I'm feeling less and less for her.  I think mostly I do feel bad for her as she will not get help, I know she started seeing a psychiatrist shortly after leaving but I'm under the impression that she no longer goes.  Her mother is diagnosed and doesn't go to the treatment that she agreed to in order to avoid jail time for stealing from her employer.  The two of them are divorcing their husbands at the same time and they now live together.  So yeah, when I look at her life that way and I see her going down the same path as her mother, I do feel bad for her.  She will never have the kind of relationship that she so desperately wants because she isn't capable of real adult love or intimacy.  Just shallow, superficial, need-driven "relationships."

But my goal is indifference.  I want to be able to hear her name and feel nothing.  I want to see her and view her as an old acquaintance.  I want to go the same places we used to frequent and not be reminded of her.  I want to know so little about her and her life that she hardly ever crosses my mind.  That's what I want. 

[downwhim]

I agree with JHKbuzz. She sounds like a little child in this letter.  Since they are   the maturity level of a 3 year old it is appropriate. Yes, it is all about her and her needs. The over dramatizing and HER pain, what she is going through is something that you can never fix. As long as you keep in contact and try and be the fixer she will continue to use you.

Hard to admit but once you start working on yourself, you will see the letter is shallow and you need to pull together all the strength you have to free yourself of this dysfunctional relationship where you needs are only met on her terms, her way and then there is the issue of trust.

[upsidedown_world]

The letter itself is a testament to her addiction to drama and control.  She tried to lay every possible hook to get a bite from you.

I wouldn't believe that she is at all capable of acting as an equal in a relationship.  Maybe after being single for 10 years and serious work with confronting her demons and learning to grow up emotionally... .but not until then.

Chances are virtually certain that she identifies you merely as something that orbits her (her being the central part of her own universe)- a means to an end, not as an individual human being with your own needs, passions and thoughts.  But it's an end she wasn't content with before, and she had to look elsewhere for her fix.  It's the sign of a bottomless pit of need.  Her feeling of loss is real.  But in truth, you don't represent (to her) what you think or WISH you did because she has no enduring sense of self, so you're merely a means to an end and that you will remain.  I'd say she is quite incapable of understanding that at this stage.

She DOES have a gift for writing, I'll give her that for sure.  But the heartfelt tones of her letter are those of someone who desperately loves an idea, not a person - and the idea is slipping away.

[iluminati]

First of all, excellent thread with a lot of insights.  I won't repeat the excellent insights here, but just want to chip in my own.

One is that she shows a complete lack of empathy.  I'm not expecting her to completely get what's in your brain, but a nice "hey, if I were in your shoes, I'd be devastated too" and an acknowledgement of how they'd make amends would be healthy for the future, whether it would be reconciliation or even just friendship.  That she is so wrapped up in her pain that she can't suffer empathy is damning.

Two is that as a long-term vet of Staying, I can tease out the mindsets behind how people work there.  You have your hardcore codependents, which is a tough nut to crack, and I've had the pleasure of calling out a few of them behind the scenes.  You have people who are involved with partners who are honest-to-goodness doing the work, but are obviously struggling with it.  You have people who for whatever reason can't just pack up and leave, and want to make life easier while they're getting their house in order to head out the door.  Believe it or not, you can actually function for a time with a pwBPD.  I know, because if I couldn't, I wouldn't have been able to get my money and life together to get out.  It's just a matter of what you're willing to handle, and that part is on you.

[Madison66]

Invictus,

I just took a long look at the staying section and I feel badly for the people staying. It seems SO rough and it seems that very few success stories come out of a relationship with a BPD. And it looks like it's success with disclaimers. I think I've made the right choice to walk away. Thank you for suggesting to check out the staying section!

I had a meeting with a psychologist last week to start working through my own issues related to all this stuff. I sent her a thank you email afterwards because I felt like I finally talked to somebody in person who understood me. Here is a part of her reply to me - "I'm glad the session brought you some relief, and again I can validate how difficult if not impossible it is to have a healthy relationship with someone who is struggling with personality disorder issues! I'm glad you are "re-framing" your painful experience as a challenge to explore more about what you really want in your life right now." Straight from a licensed professional with specialty in personality disorders. Keep this in mind if she ever comes back again with even more tear jerking stuff... .

This is a powerful message from a psychologist that is right on with how my T approached our sessions.  The main point is that the healing and detachment process is about "you" and not "her".  I didn't understand how co-dependent I was and why I struggled to see the red flags and to walk away from an unhealthy r/s during the first 3-4 months.  I began to "own" her struggles and put them before my needs and it grew worse through the next 3 years of the r/s.  What I understand now is that dealing with a person with a PD is a slippery slope and even staying in "distant contact" carries the threat of allowing yourself to be pulled back in.  I really suggest to you to go n/c and explore what about you and your past lured you in to such an unhealthy r/s and what is causing you to want to continue it in some form.  The answer to those two questions may help you find peace within yourself and to set you up for a more healthy r/s in the future.  

[Invictus01]

This is a powerful message from a psychologist that is right on with how my T approached our sessions.  The main point is that the healing and detachment process is about "you" and not "her".  I didn't understand how co-dependent I was and why I struggled to see the red flags and to walk away from an unhealthy r/s during the first 3-4 months.  I began to "own" her struggles and put them before my needs and it grew worse through the next 3 years of the r/s.  What I understand now is that dealing with a person with a PD is a slippery slope and even staying in "distant contact" carries the threat of allowing yourself to be pulled back in.  I really suggest to you to go n/c and explore what about you and your past lured you in to such an unhealthy r/s and what is causing you to want to continue it in some form.  The answer to those two questions may help you find peace within yourself and to set you up for a more healthy r/s in the future.  

To be honest though, if you never dealt with anything like this before, how do you know what red flags are? If you are dealing with a highly functioning person who happens to enjoy your company and you appear to have a ton in common, there are no signs of abuse, no weird behavior... .until things blow up after 6 months... .Yeah, sure, now that you know the rules of the game and you know things to look for. But before that, how would you know?

[raisins3142]

This is a powerful message from a psychologist that is right on with how my T approached our sessions.  The main point is that the healing and detachment process is about "you" and not "her".  I didn't understand how co-dependent I was and why I struggled to see the red flags and to walk away from an unhealthy r/s during the first 3-4 months.  I began to "own" her struggles and put them before my needs and it grew worse through the next 3 years of the r/s.  What I understand now is that dealing with a person with a PD is a slippery slope and even staying in "distant contact" carries the threat of allowing yourself to be pulled back in.  I really suggest to you to go n/c and explore what about you and your past lured you in to such an unhealthy r/s and what is causing you to want to continue it in some form.  The answer to those two questions may help you find peace within yourself and to set you up for a more healthy r/s in the future.  

To be honest though, if you never dealt with anything like this before, how do you know what red flags are? If you are dealing with a highly functioning person who happens to enjoy your company and you appear to have a ton in common, there are no signs of abuse, no weird behavior... .until things blow up after 6 months... .Yeah, sure, now that you know the rules of the game and you know things to look for. But before that, how would you know?

I knew because my uBPDexgf spoke of things that are common in other emotionally unstable people I have known (her past drinking/drugging, wanted to have sex with me within 4 hours of first meeting me, many short relationships, moved in with men very quickly, all her exes were supposedly bad people, her parents and family seemed like they behaved worse than animals toward her, and much more).  Also, it was what she wouldn't say, which was any actual details about her past.  Also, she was over the top fake towards other people.  I saw her doing this to others (her demeanor would change drastically) but I never considered she was doing that to me also (this was the missing piece, I overlooked the crazy because of how good she was towards me at first).  I knew I was dealing with a crazy person, but thought her crazy would not make me unhappy or that she had changed enough over time.  I'd say I was positive that she was unstable within 3 or 4 weeks.

[Invictus01]

I knew because my uBPDexgf spoke of things that are common in other emotionally unstable people I have known (her past drinking/drugging, wanted to have sex with me within 4 hours of first meeting me, many short relationships, moved in with men very quickly, all her exes were supposedly bad people, her parents and family seemed like they behaved worse than animals toward her, and much more).  Also, it was what she wouldn't say, which was any actual details about her past.  Also, she was over the top fake towards other people.  I saw her doing this to others (her demeanor would change drastically) but I never considered she was doing that to me also (this was the missing piece, I overlooked the crazy because of how good she was towards me at first).  I knew I was dealing with a crazy person, but thought her crazy would not make me unhappy or that she had changed enough over time.  I'd say I was positive that she was unstable within 3 or 4 weeks.

I must have been lucky enough to either not ever having unstable people in my life or walking away from them very early and not learning all the signs. I sure as hell know now... .I gotta say though some things seemed to be off... .but if you look at them as one at a time occurrence as opposed to parts of the whole picture, it is kinda tough to connect the dots... .

[zeus123]

everybody please take a deep breath and see the big picture. this gal CHEATED on you, do you know what it means? she is history, gone, you shouldn't have read that letter, instead you should have destroyed it and move on with your life. if i was you i would go complete NO CONTACT and disappear from this planet. i don't trust any word in this letter because it comes from a BPD person. BPD only lie when they breathe.

[downwhim]

I agree with Zeus, in my previous thread I mentioned the fact she cheated on you. How could you trust her? She dances around in this letter with her poor victim role and so desperately wants you back. Don't get caught up in her drama. You are not in this letter, your feelings do not matter - only hers.

[Figuring it out]

My exBPDgf just called me yesterday (I didn't pick up, I've been NC for 5 days now.) and said this to me: "Hey. It's me. I kinda wanted to hear your voicemail. I hope you're ok and that you're managing. I wish I could help you feel better and I know I can't but I really wish I could. I'm thinking of you and I love you."

Much different tone than the letter. I think perhaps she went to therapy and the therapist may have worked with her in some way and she decided to reach out?

Also, her sister (she's normal) came by and picked up my ex's things and we talked for an hour and a half about me ex and was enlightening. I pretty much corroborate her story about her past history (ex bf's, family, events) to see about where she might have lied to me and where she told the truth. I did this because I wanted to see if she might have been with other men and lied about it, and to see how much she's lied since many of you have had stories about your exBPD's lying.

Her sister confirmed that she told the truth about pretty much everything. From her ___ed up ex's that cheated on her, to her childhood experiences growing up, to guys that she's been with during our relationship. She pretty much shares almost everything with her sister.

While we were together she also started seeing a female ex who is also a pwBPD, and she cheated on her as well and destroyed their relationship. Her ex tried committing suicide and it was a year before they connected. In talking about her, she showed much regret, remorse in losing someone that she loved and she told me that she wouldn't pursue any sort of sexual relationship with her because she can't hurt her again and lose her. This intention has been also corroborated by her sister. The fact that she can think this way I think gives me a glimmer of hope in her recovery. Also, this board has been overwhelming in stating that she speaks in a very childlike manner and I fully agree with what people have posted. But the phone call made me think that she can get over this with more years of therapy and dedication on this part.

Her sister also said that of all of the men she's been with, I was the best for her and she definitely has cared about me the most and this has really affected her in a way that makes her regretful. The sister also agreed with NC for a while and warned me that she may try to fight/plead/guilt me so she can get me back. I'm going to continue NC unless she starts barraging me with contact. (She just sent me another email and an attached letter and I haven't opened it just yet.)

What are your thoughts on her voicemail that was pretty much mainly concerned with how I was doing?

Invictus,

I'm thinking that once I score this new job as a flight attendant, I'm going to utilize the health care and see about getting in and chatting with a therapist. I think I have quite a few things that I'd like to chat with them about. The more I read this board, the more I understand that each person has had similar, but slightly different experience with their PBD experience. And there seems to be a spectrum of how badly people were treated/lied to/manipulated.

I was lucky enough to be told on the first date that my potential, now exBPDgf was BPD. But I went forward anyway. Now I know.

Apollotech,

I also have chosen not to respond and in reading a book on borderlines (I hate you, don't leave me). I feel love for her still, I want the best for her, I want her to be able to heal and live a well adjusted life. After a period of NC and working on myself, when I feel ready, I would like to contact her again and like you, try to offer a sense of stability in her life. I have forgiven her for what she's done, and I wish her love and peacefulness.

jhkbuzz,

She definitely had TONS of trauma in her early life. He mom is uBPD and secretly got pregnant with her husband (he didn't want any more kids and was cheating on her with other women at the time) to try and make him stay. My exBPDgf knows this. She also didn't have much compassion from her mother since her mom's ploy did not work and my ex was a failed attempt and when she cried as a young baby/child, her mom would be inconsistent with her love. This and I'm sure many other things gave her the fear of abandonment and perhaps pushed her into being BPD. Her mom and her Aunt are both uBPD so it also runs in the family. Sigh. Also at the end of her book she wrote -

"I went to war against myself doctor, that's the severity of this feeling. But what can I do? I've resigned to this life."

I teared up when I read that and feel sorry for her. The more I dive into the world of BPD, the less I hurt because it is an illness and although it doesn't excuse her, it helps to know that it was not her intentionally hurting me. I think if it was a normal functioning girl, I would be much more hurt. Also, I think a few of the girls in the past that I dated for a very short period of time that I deemed "crazy" showed many of the signs of BPD.

I plan on getting tested again just in case and also, I agree. It is brutal. You are also very insightful. Thank you.

Billypilgrim,

The thing about my diagnosed ex is that she is actively getting DBT and therapy. With my "love-bombing" it was corroborated by her sister. (It was tearful, but she was very honest about everything) I was the best for her, I treated her the best. She didn't vilify her ex, instead she said how remorseful she was that she cheated on her and doesn't want to lose her completely from her life. What do you think about this? I don't want to feel nothing when I think of her, but at the same time, I cannot and will not let myself be dragged back into an unhealthy relationship for the rest of my life. Period. I have too much self respect.

Upsidedown_world,

Curious as to what you think about these new things that have occurred? I agree she needs therapy, but I want to believe that she can get better. Not so I can be with her, but because I truly love her and want her to live a healthy life.

illuminati,

I'm wondering what you think as well since you've been in the staying side of things since she's recently seen her therapist and had DBT (she goes on Mondays) and she just recently did show some empathy.

Madison,

I plan on working on myself for a bit and not jumping into another relationship or entering back into the dating foray. I want to build my friendships and rediscover myself as a whole, healthy, compassionate human being and center myself before going back in again. I'm sure I entered into this relationship because I didn't realize the severity of the illness and thought that with support and love, I could help heal her. I agree with Invictus in that she really enjoyed my company, with did a lot of fun things together and other than the BPD things, it was just like a normal relationship starting. Dumb, I know. I think it was just naiveté and my readiness to try loving someone for real this time around rather than holding back. That's why I hurt so much, but each day becomes easier. Thank you for your advice.

Raisins,

I like Invictus was luck enough to not really know what mental illness was until being in a relationship with someone that has it. My mom is really messed up and I think she as BPD tendencies, but I don't think she would satisfy the 5 out of 9 things needed for diagnosis. My brother seems to also have tendencies, but again only maybe 4. So our family wasn't perfect, but there was never the self-harm, suicidal, fear of abandonment and other that I consider the big ones.

Zeus and downwhim,

I know she cheated on me and that is not ok. I'm going NC. I just... .I don't know. Want the best for her and I'm trying to slowly heal myself as well. I'm currently trying to separate, but it's hard because she's reaching out again. I think she JUST tried calling using a blocked number. Sigh. I might have to make contact to tell her to not contact me... .

[billypilgrim]

Billypilgrim,

The thing about my diagnosed ex is that she is actively getting DBT and therapy. With my "love-bombing" it was corroborated by her sister. (It was tearful, but she was very honest about everything) I was the best for her, I treated her the best. She didn't vilify her ex, instead she said how remorseful she was that she cheated on her and doesn't want to lose her completely from her life. What do you think about this? I don't want to feel nothing when I think of her, but at the same time, I cannot and will not let myself be dragged back into an unhealthy relationship for the rest of my life. Period. I have too much self respect.

My honest opinion? Unless she's been seeking therapy for a while now and truly committed to changing, it's going to be a long and difficult road.  DBT and therapy take years.  It can work, don't get my wrong, but for those with BPD in my life, I have no "success" stories to share.  My uncle (his wife is dBPD) has more of the same: visits from sheriffs, visits to the psych ward, bankruptcy from her running up credit cards in his name, etc...   All I think about it when I see his life is that that could have been me in 15 years.  My ex's mother is as she always has been, sick, emotionally manipulative, promiscuous, forever skirting around the law with financial issues.  And my ex is following her every lead.  All 3 of them have gotten to a point where they think they need or were required to get help but they never commit long enough to truly change.  They will forever be victims and the sad part is that they'll never realize that they are persecuting themselves.  There's no magic pill that solves their problems.  They actually have to work on themselves.  And that's pretty difficult for people that solely rely on others to meet their needs. 

And I don't doubt you were the best for her.  Perhaps not for the right reasons (at the expense of you and a healthy relationship, is what I mean by this), but you are likely caring, open minded, tolerant, patient, and steady.  The perfect sort of counterbalance to the chaos in your ex's life.  But what I found interesting is that you only mentioned how you were the best for her.  Was she the best for you?  It certainly doesn't sound like it.  Stick to that last bit of your post.  That's what you should focus on.  Steer clear, as tough as it is, but time is your friend here.   

[Figuring it out]

billypilgrim,

You're so right. She's not the best for me. I don't know who is. All I know is I was in a cloud of love and lust for the last months. I know that 3 months is not a long time, but I never felt as deeply as I did for a significant other. This was also due to the fact that I have grown since my last relationship and finally allowed myself to fully love and she was someone that came along at the right time.

The time we had together was great. I really felt some of the strongest instances of joy in my life, but also sorrow and anxiety. I won't be dating another borderline or anyone with mental illness because I want a healthy positive loving relationship. I expect love, understanding, loyalty, integrity, compassion, security, thoughtfulness in my relationships.

I think with time and dedication, I really hope she can overcome this. I would still like to be there for, when I am ready to see her again and make contact but I don't think that will be for a while. Maybe something a bit more ancillary. I guess it's hard to let go of that ideal image I created of her rather than who she really is, struggling everyday, trying to make sense of the world. I forgive her. I'm not mad. I want the best for her. This experience has taught me a lot and I believe I've become more compassionate. I think we as human beings, as long as we aren't consumed by our pain, grow out of it and become better people. Or at least that's what I like to believe.

[apollotech]

My exBPDgf just called me yesterday (I didn't pick up, I've been NC for 5 days now.) and said this to me: "Hey. It's me. I kinda wanted to hear your voicemail. I hope you're ok and that you're managing. I wish I could help you feel better and I know I can't but I really wish I could. I'm thinking of you and I love you."

Much different tone than the letter. I think perhaps she went to therapy and the therapist may have worked with her in some way and she decided to reach out?


What are your thoughts on her voicemail that was pretty much mainly concerned with how I was doing?




Apollotech,

I also have chosen not to respond and in reading a book on borderlines (I hate you, don't leave me). I feel love for her still, I want the best for her, I want her to be able to heal and live a well adjusted life. After a period of NC and working on myself, when I feel ready, I would like to contact her again and like you, try to offer a sense of stability in her life. I have forgiven her for what she's done, and I wish her love and peacefulness.

Figuring it out,

One thing that I didn't mention in my earlier post on the possibility of eventually reestablishing contact is that even though we may be able to provide a bit of stability in their lives, while at the same time protecting ourselves, they have to be willing to accept said circumstances in a healthy way. If it is anything less than that, healthy, we must be able to walk away without regret or hurt. You can prepare yourself to stand by the fire, but there is no preparation which allows you to stand in the fire.

I envy you in that your BPDex is in treatment. Congratulations to her for recognizing a problem, accepting responsibility for said problem, and for working towards a solution to said problem. She wants a better life for herself and she is moving in that direction. It will require much work and much time. My BPDexgf acknowledges that she has "issues" but is comfortable in not seeking help for said issues. She simply does not recognize the problems that her "issues" create in HER life. In her words, she is "f**ked up." I fully agree with her and accept her assessment. My childhood friend, adult lover will die never knowing the joy/comfort/peace/security/love/etc. that a normal, healthy relationship provides.

She is now seeing someone and proclaims that she is "extremely happy." (I received a text from her yesterday morning.) Unfortunately, with her BPD driving the bus, the sole purpose of the text was to iniate a re-engagement... .then triangulation. There were several texts before this one where she was "just checking on me." When those didn't generate a response she upped her game. The long text, announcing the new bf, had several hooks for me to grab onto in order to get me to respond. Figuring it out, in regards to dealing with a person afflicted with BPD, be very careful about assuming normalcy. It is just a sad and destructive disorder for everyone involved, most of all the person with BPD.