Anger and dealing with the fallout from breakup

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For the past week I've been feeling incredibly angry about the emotions I'm dealing with because of my exBPDbf. I feel broken, emotionally drained and I'm trying to heal from his betrayal but what makes me angry is, it sure seems like he isn't dealing with any negative emotions. He got engaged to one of his exes (recycling, it seems) six weeks after he blindsided me. I don't understand how he can even contemplate dating, much less getting married. I know his behaviors aren't those of a healthy person but it seems like he's thriving with no remorse or regret while I'm trying to piece myself back together.

[StarOfTheSea]

For the past week I've been feeling incredibly angry about the emotions I'm dealing with because of my exBPDbf. I feel broken, emotionally drained and I'm trying to heal from his betrayal but what makes me angry is, it sure seems like he isn't dealing with any negative emotions. He got engaged to one of his exes (recycling, it seems) six weeks after he blindsided me. I don't understand how he can even contemplate dating, much less getting married. I know his behaviors aren't those of a healthy person but it seems like he's thriving with no remorse or regret while I'm trying to piece myself back together.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're going through this hurt. I understand the anger. It's really hard to wrap our minds around the fact that he doesn't "feel' things like you do. The fact that he can move on in this fashion shows the lack of feeling. He can't go there, that's why he needs a new "fix." Healthy people feel their emotions and respond appropriately to them.

What are you doing to work through this anger?

[sun seeker]

   Hi all

  Star I have been angry this week as well. Last week I was feeling better. Then I found a dress   of my dexBPDgf's in my closet while i was getting dressed . (This is what triggered my anger). Holy crap what a mindfu*k. It stirred up all kinds of thought and  emotions . Ive always given her stuff back when we split. Not this times it went str8 in the trash. It felt good not to give a dam about her stuff.   I dont see this as a set back i see it as progress. Mailing it back is not an option. (Still means I care to her) queue recycle attempt !  been there done that in the trash it went.

 Your story resonates with me big time. Trying to make sense of senseless is exhausting.  I also wondered how can they just jump from person to person. We are just a supply for them. People seem to think its a BPD thing for some reason. But I dont buy it . This how THEY (BPDers) CHOOSE to cope. And its a Shi**y  thing to do to people.  Point blank.  Im sorry you are going through this . Keep in mind YOU matter now (feels dam good to)   if you stay n/c and do the work,  better times are on the horizon. Hang in there hun it gets easier and easier.  

   

 

 

[tjay933]

yes, we are object for their use. when we are no longer useful to them we are tossed. its all about them. they only want us when there's something in it for them. very selfish imo.

[nowwhatz]

I too am dealing with a lot of unexpected anger over the last few days especially.

The words that she said and blatant disrespect keeps popping into my head.   I trust that with time this will dissipate.

Very uncomfortable feeling.

Hang in there.

[tjay933]

i find that when i have those thoughts of remembering how he said/did something, after the initial emotion i talk back to the memory and explain to it why it is not real and not fair and after a few sessions with myself i start to feel better. you can also make a list on paper of what specifically was said that disturbed you. then write down why that was not correct for them to say or why that wasn't nice and kind and loving. sometimes seeing it written down helps to see the unreasonableness and unkindness of their speech/actions.

[ShadowIntheNight]

yes, we are object for their use. when we are no longer useful to them we are tossed. its all about them. they only want us when there's something in it for them. very selfish imo.

My ex and I were in a 9.5 yr lesbian relationship. She had previously been married for 10 yrs and has two kids. Last April she lost a big part of her custody battle with her exH after 2.5 yrs. Instead of increasing her child support (NO increase in the 8 yrs they were divorced), the judge cut her existing support IN HALF! Her exH also gained increased visitation. I have no idea what transpired in the courtroom for this to happen(we didn't live together or in the same city so it wasn't a lifestyle issue), but the judge surely clipped her wings! The day the case was heard she was bragging of how well she had done and what an idiot her exH looked.

After the judge rendered his decision, rather than thanking me for all of my help and being such a supportive partner for the last 2.5 yrs, the first words out of her mouth were, and I quote, "if I have to find some man to eff in order to pay for my kids to be in private school, that's what I intend to do!" And then she hung up on me.

To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. So I KNOW whomever she is involved with it is simply to use them financially. She's no different than a prostitute. She just doesn't think of herself that way, that's all.

Just 30 minutes ago while I was pressing some items I was raging out loud about what she did. Today was 7 months ago that she wrote me a note telling me she was dating men. 9.5 yrs thru thick and then, and the only thing she thinks I deserve was a typed note. And that was only extended 2 months after she just faded away.

BTW, I haven't worked in 11 yrs and I'm financially independent. I have no idea why she thought she needed a new guy to take his money.

[Bumpsintheroad]

Hi Star.

I can tell you're more than angry.  How about pi$$ed and sometimes even livid!  Good for you.  I certainly was.  You have every right to feel those toxins coming out.  Natural part of the grieving process.  :)on't stuff em.  Own em.  

Eventually, the anger dissipates.  You realize that your energy can be put to better use.  Something more constructive.  And then you're that much closer to being emotionally free from someone who treated you in an inhumane manner.  Let's call it what it is, INHUMANE.  

Then you pound your chest a few times and say, "I'm not taking this crap from anyone, especially from someone I treated with dignity and respect!"  And then you start to feel pity for the sad, afflicted 6 year old juvenile.  

And now you realize this adult child is trying to drag you to the depths of their despair and suphocate anything left from your soul.  The legal term is called, Theft by Deception.  He has deceived you, the replacement and himself.  Over and over again.

My question to you is, are you at the point of keeping your own energy and putting it to work for something positive (like you for instance)?  You're doing great.  Keep posting and know we are all here for you.

[StarOfTheSea]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that still has anger. One of the things that really bothers me is that I feel like he's 'ruined' my ability to trust or relate to another man. I also feel like in some ways I can't believe he's gone, since we fell asleep snuggled together one night and the next morning he wanted to break up. In less than 12 hours I went from being  pretty much a wife and step mom to single and staying in a motel room. That's a lot to wrap my mind around, especially while I'm trying to keep the rest of my life as stable as possible and not drop back into a severe depression.

It also makes me pi%%ed off that he cut me off from his little girl. I worked really hard to build a respectful, loving relationship with her and she trusted me. She was having emotional problems before I left and I can imagine she's worse now that I'm gone and he's going to marry a woman she doesn't even know. So I feel like I'm the deserter and the bad person. Plus who knows the tales he's spun about me after I left. By this point I probably have horns and a forked tail.  Even though he's the one that was getting involved with my replacement three weeks before I left.

I'm dealing with it in the same way the rest of you guys are, by having those one sided conversations with him in my head. I'm also reminding myself of all the times he made me feel like s%$t and all the weird comments he'd make, like asking me if I was poisoning him when I served him dinner. I mean, the first time it was kind of funny but the eighth time it was just strange and offensive.  I just need to keep healing from the mindf&%k he put me through.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I'm dealing with it in the same way the rest of you guys are, by having those one sided conversations with him in my head. I'm also reminding myself of all the times he made me feel like s%$t and all the weird comments he'd make, like asking me if I was poisoning him when I served him dinner. I mean, the first time it was kind of funny but the eighth time it was just strange and offensive.  I just need to keep healing from the mindf&%k he put me through.

How odd he'd say that about the food. My ex once asked, quite seriously I might add, if I had had a spell cast on her. I think I had reading about someone doing that and told her about it, and that was when she asked. I think I said " sure!" Just kidding of course, and she had this look of terror on her face til I said was just kidding to her. Who knows how their minds work... .

[tjay933]

How odd he'd say that about the food. My ex once asked, quite seriously I might add, if I had had a spell cast on her. I think I had reading about someone doing that and told her about it, and that was when she asked. I think I said " sure!" Just kidding of course, and she had this look of terror on her face til I said was just kidding to her. Who knows how their minds work... .

of course they think we do things to them. any bad in their lives must be somebody's fault. that's why they blame us because they can't fathom how else things can just happen. black and white thinking. it's us or them and if we admit we did anything to them to actually cause their woes, then their world makes sense and it has been everyone else all these decades that have caused them harm. the world is against them and they are the victims in a world wide conspiracy against them.

[GBLAW]

Remember that anger is a healthy emotion and it is okay to experience it.  Let it out and then focus on yourself and your healing. I have been there.  I am on day 70 of NC, the last contact being a totally normal date night, and my exBPD partner was on vacation with a new wan who doesn't live in our city on day 55.  Try to see what is happening as a good sign for you: it confirms you were right about the BPD traits and it is healthier for you in the long run to get out and be available for a healthier relationship.  That said, I know it is hard.  I was with my partner for four years and I don't know that I will ever get over the shock of the new attachment.  The one thing that prepared me though was this site, because I learned it I went NC and finally set boundaries, it was likely that he would line up an attachment replacement and also likely that it was happening before the NC as he would pick up on my boundaries and fear abandonment.  Again, recognize that it is not you-  it is your partner, who is seriously ill.  Also recognize that your partner does have loss and grief over losing you; he just cannot express and feel that the way a healthy person can.  The very fact that he had to attach elsewhere IS the sign it is a loss and now an act of desperation on his part, even though it doesn't feel that way to you.  Take good care of yourself. 

[StarOfTheSea]

Remember that anger is a healthy emotion and it is okay to experience it.  Let it out and then focus on yourself and your healing. I have been there.  I am on day 70 of NC, the last contact being a totally normal date night, and my exBPD partner was on vacation with a new wan who doesn't live in our city on day 55.  Try to see what is happening as a good sign for you: it confirms you were right about the BPD traits and it is healthier for you in the long run to get out and be available for a healthier relationship.  That said, I know it is hard.  I was with my partner for four years and I don't know that I will ever get over the shock of the new attachment.  The one thing that prepared me though was this site, because I learned it I went NC and finally set boundaries, it was likely that he would line up an attachment replacement and also likely that it was happening before the NC as he would pick up on my boundaries and fear abandonment.  Again, recognize that it is not you-  it is your partner, who is seriously ill.  Also recognize that your partner does have loss and grief over losing you; he just cannot express and feel that the way a healthy person can.  The very fact that he had to attach elsewhere IS the sign it is a loss and now an act of desperation on his part, even though it doesn't feel that way to you.  Take good care of yourself. 

Thanks for that perspective, GB. I know he was having huge financial problems before I left and I really got the sense from him that his world was crumbling. So many things he said seemed desperate, like a person being pulled under. I think his replacement is his 'fresh start', in addition to his new business. In fact, on his fb pic with the new fiancee he said that 2015 is going to be a better year for him. Apparently 2014 with me was so horrible for him. That comment really stung. Like I made his life a nightmare. We went through A LOT: losing a baby, issues with his step mom, looking for houses and his huge pay cut at work.

Throughout everything we went through I got glimpses of the 'normal' person I thought he could be. I truly feel that he was honest with me about many dark things in his past and his lousy self-confidence. If that decent person inside would have win the battle we would have had a chance.

So yes, I think it truly pained him when he broke it off, mostly because there was no solid reason for it. He couldn't give me one. I think it was an act of desperation on his part. He thought if he got a new business and new woman that somehow his life would magically improve. It was so odd to me when we talked the  day after I left and I was so pi&%ed, I asked him 'you're still here in our home, I'm at a motel with no place to go. What here exactly has changed for you?' His reply? With tears in his eyes he said 'but you won't be here'. what the heck?