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Author Topic: She found someone new but still came back to me  (Read 472 times)
wahoo18

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: March 13, 2015, 11:12:19 AM »

Hello.  This is free of mouth speech.

After several weeks of breaking up and getting back together her therapist finally told her to block me and issue a NC. Two weeks went by and I drunkly called her from a different number crying tell her that I missed everything we had; Im pathetic.  She came over immediately without asking. It was a miracle. There I am drunk, alone, and crying on my sofa and in she walks in. Holding me. Cajoling me. She spent the night. No sex.  We walk up that morning her snuggling me and we sleep in till 11 or so. We then have the best sex to date. ( 9 months).  I ask her to a movie. She reluctantly agrees. We go to this movie. She tells me she likes an older grad student and that they have been hanging out a lot... .We fight a little but in the movie she snuggles up to me. ( she paid for the movie, and she drove ). We get back and we fight more in her car but I convince her to come to my apartment. After several hours she starts doing things to me. She goes home afterwards. We go home for spring break the next day. We talk about the possibility of trying something for a couple of days when we get back to school. She agrees. I invite her to come to my house ( 4 hours away ). She DOES! She drives the four hours to my home. 2 minutes after she got here, we had sex, her idea. Again the best sex of my life. We go to a lunch date and talk. We go on a walk and it seems like everything is back to normal. We come back home. We watch netflix and nap together. I tell her I still love her and she tells me she loves me back. We go to a movie where we were snuggly. We come back and this time she tells me she loves me. I try to initiate sex this time but she doesnt respond. We sleep in separate beds. In the morning we sleep in and we have sex again. I make her breakfast. She tells me she loves me and promises that she'll stop talking to the grad student for at least a week. She leaves. 4 hours later. " WE ARE NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER" She told me she did everything because she felt bad for me. Blocked me again. No contact. I go to her roommate for answers. Turns out she's dating the grad student. Telling all of her roommates she likes him ALOT. I don't understand. She turned my life upside down. How do I get past. Im stuck. My friends think its easy. forget that girl she's crazy... .but how can I. She made me feel like the world and the sex. It doesnt compare to any of the girls since our first NC. she told me she was over me. she didn't want anything to do with me. she wanted things with the grad student ( who is leaving in a month ) told me it would be easier for her and him to break up... .but I know her. she doesn't just "break up"... .please send guidance if you've gotten this far.


thank you.

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JRT
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« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2015, 11:25:31 AM »

Wahoo

Sorry to hear that you are going through this... .I know how difficult and confusing her behavior towards you has been.

I am trying to determine where the BPD element comes into play on this. Was she diagnosed at all or does she demonstrate any of the 9 characteristics? Without this component, it seems like she is someone that is just playing two sides.

Let me know.

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wahoo18

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« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2015, 11:58:20 AM »

After she finished treatment for her eating disorder. She started seeing a therapist, taking meds and going to DBT. This was last June when we first started seeing each other. She never told me about the BPD. In Jan. she took a test for ADHD and she confined in me that she had been going to the therapist, DBT, and taking the meds for BPD.  The test basically diagnosed her with BPD and not ADHD.  During the  relationship... .It was like everything I've read here. If you would like, I could go into more detail?
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JRT
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« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2015, 12:31:07 PM »

Okay... that really helps... .it would also help to know what you really want... .do you want her back? And you should really answer this within the context of knowing about her disorder. It sounds like, that although she has given you some sexual comforts on the way out, that she has entirely split you an painted you black. Are you familiar with the implications?
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wahoo18

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« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2015, 12:41:50 PM »

Well I want her back but this may be a narcissistic tendency due to my failures. I started going to therapy and in my head. We understand each other and our problems... .So we could be stronger if she and I work on them together. She told me she wants someone more stable to work her issues with... .Honestly, i was moving past this... .but her driving hours to my house this week over holidays and telling me she loved me made it extremely difficult. I felt like the she was here that nothing ever happened between the two of us. We were happy for every moment until she left and four hours later she told me were never getting back together. Im not familiar with the painting it black?
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JRT
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« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2015, 01:08:10 PM »

As far as the painting black goes... .yeah it is a common thing with BPD's. Mine had just moved in... .we had been together for 2 years and were engaged... .we NEVER argued... .om a Tuesday all was normal, very normal... .on a Wednesday, she split me, painted me black (and continues to do so 6 months later), and moved out... .I learned of it via an angry text and have never spoken to her since that Tuesday (I am blocked from contact).

As for your r/s... .its great that you are working on you... .CONTINUE to do so and build the better Wahoo... .but you must consider that it takes two to sing a duet: if she is unwilling to do the same as you are doing, then the chances for success are grim.

The BPD Family mantra is No Contact: if you try to chase her, you will likely be successful only in pushing her away. This is the most difficult and painful dynamic to all of this but one that you are strongly encouraged to pursue.
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wahoo18

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« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2015, 07:16:44 PM »

So I should just stop trying to reach out to her? Her finding this "new" guy frustrates me. She picked a relationship that would fail as he is graduating... .Why would she come to my house and tell me all those things if she was seeing him It just seems like if I keep trying maybe i'll reach her?
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JRT
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« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2015, 07:24:33 PM »

As you dig deeper into these boards, you will see some patterns to behavior from BPD's... .I cannot say the specific reason why she left you for this other person, but she felt that there were needs that you were unable to fulfill or boundaries that you established that she could not cross. So, she went someplace where she felt that she could have those needs fulfilled. I can tell you this: it's not about sex or about love, at least not real love.

BPD sufferers feel pushed away when they are chased and often feel repelled when someone does so. Use the search function here to research push/pull. Yes, if there is any chance of ever speaking with her again (as backwards as it sounds) you need to go full out NC: no FB, no mutual friends no text messages, etc.
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Mike-X
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« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2015, 08:18:56 PM »

I am very sorry to hear about this just brutal recycling experience and what you are currently feeling, probably confusion, anxiety, anger, hurt, and so on.

You had mentioned that you were working toward detaching and were feeling like you were making progress.  Can you elaborate on that (e.g., what were you doing, how were you feeling)?

Again, I am very sorry. My ex coming back is something that I imagine often, and my fear when I imagine it is this kind of brutal recycling experience.
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wahoo18

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« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2015, 09:19:50 PM »

Well the easiest thing was getting distracted by another girl. Which worked but ultimately it didn't lead to anything. So I just I just succumbed when I got drunk last thursday and found a way to get into connect with her. I didn't expect anythign to come of it. As it stands now we've talked and she hasn't blocked me. However, she told me that if I was to contact her she would block me. At this point I just want revenge for turning my life upside down this week. I find myself distracted. I can't focus on much of anything and its taking its toll out on my life at the moment. Im not sure why I think that her coming back to me would fix everything because I know it won't... .But its still what I want and if I can't have that. Revenge is the only way I have of feeling better right now... .and by revenge I mean like property damage. To the guys car... .She lives close by and I just connected the new car parked out side my building is him visiting her... .
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Mike-X
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« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2015, 09:37:06 PM »

Well the easiest thing was getting distracted by another girl. Which worked but ultimately it didn't lead to anything. So I just I just succumbed when I got drunk last thursday and found a way to get into connect with her. I didn't expect anythign to come of it. As it stands now we've talked and she hasn't blocked me. However, she told me that if I was to contact her she would block me. At this point I just want revenge for turning my life upside down this week. I find myself distracted. I can't focus on much of anything and its taking its toll out on my life at the moment. Im not sure why I think that her coming back to me would fix everything because I know it won't... .But its still what I want and if I can't have that. Revenge is the only way I have of feeling better right now... .and by revenge I mean like property damage. To the guys car... .She lives close by and I just connected the new car parked out side my building is him visiting her... .

As I am sure you know, anger and frustration are to be expected in situations like this. Why do you think revenge on him or her is going to make you feel better? What did he even do to you? And she is mentally ill/disordered. which is why you are on this board. So why do you want to seek revenge on a mentally ill person?

Plus you have to know that you would be a prime suspect should anything happen to either them or their property at this point. There is just no sense in making things worse by getting yourself into legal trouble. Right?
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JRT
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« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2015, 09:43:22 PM »

I have also fantasized about having one last word with my ex for doing what she did and how she went about doing it. I have rehearsed some things in my mind that I would like to tell her, hurtful and otherwise (we are ALLOWED to be angry and have earned this right!).

But after 6 months, it is looking doubtful that I will ever hear from her. I recognize that A) her life is falling apart B) that I am beginning to hear and see early rumblings from here and there and I suspect that she is more upset that she ever has been (I have done NOTHING except not contact her) and C) she is a BPD and will always feel empty, unfulfilled, in fear and never be able to achieve a meaningful relationship EVER.  Given that I know these things, I don't know if I was able to find her home, blow it up, get her fired from her job and destroy her every piece of property would ever be able to top the inner turmoil that will prevent her from ever experiencing love, joy and happiness ever in her life. What could I do/you do to possibly top this?
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Mike-X
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« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2015, 09:58:40 PM »

What have you read about BPD? Have you had a chance to look over any of the lessons on this site?
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wahoo18

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« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2015, 11:02:51 PM »

Doing that now. I feel better about it... .its just when i get lost in my own thoughts that its the worst. I'm generally a lonely guy and I don't want to burden my friends with this crap anymore.
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JRT
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« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2015, 11:17:09 PM »

I am as well... .I prefer to be with people AND I prefer to have a GF as well.

This will pass I promise... .what is important now is to occupy yourself with things that distract you and make you think of something other than her. Everyone has their own approach but I really encourage you to do what makes you feel good. If you need ideas, we can help with that.

In general, this is the time to spoil yourself: get some new clothes, buy that ne TV you always wanted, go on a trip, hang out with friends you have not seen in a while. Be good to YOU.
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Waifed
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« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2015, 11:49:17 PM »

Wahoo

Your situation played out much like mine except I cut ties with her before she had the chance to do it to me. The push/pull became very extreme the last couple of months before it ended. I caught her cheating and I believe her fear of abandonment kicked in an she was pursuing a replacement. She had a very difficult time detaching from me though and it was very confusing at the time. She even finally told me she loved me (after 3 years together)and slept on my chest and followed me around the house the last couple of weeks. Ironically she was out trying to find a replacement at the same time.

I didn't understand how someone showing me that much "love" could do that to me but she did. Once I left she became so angry she had the cops call me and ask me to leave her alone. I wasn't even communicating with her unless she initiated contact at that point. I was shocked. What you described is pretty common behavior when a BPD becomes dysregulated. I don't think I will ever truly understand it, but I think in a nutshell you guys became too intimate for her to handle so she had to cut ties. What she felt with you at the end is real for her at the moment but the pain and fear of losing you was so great that she had to run. It's almost as though the fear kicks in and they hide that pain by convincing themselves that you are a bad person. Self destruction. It's been almost 1-1/2 years since I've spoken to my ex. I now understand how dysfunctional the relationship was and that I should have left much earlier, but I was in love with who I wanted her to be. Still probably am to some extent, but life gets a lot better with time.

Sorry for the ramble, but you remind me of where I was 1-1/2 yrs ago. I was angry and wanted her to hurt and wanted to get even with her. Today I realize that her actions and behavior are her issues and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Over time I realized that I live my life for myself and any decisions I make for myself are in my best interest. Nothing about her has anything to do with how I axr or behave.
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Infared
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« Reply #16 on: March 14, 2015, 05:57:34 AM »

Wahoo I went thru all of that insanity... .and mine was with a replacement and acting that way.

All of their words have to be discarded. They mean nothing.

I do know this... .I felt horrible. The frustration, the longing,  the desire, missing her... .it was very, very close to unbearable. I wish those feelings on no one. (Not even her).

I was in so much pain that I could not cope... .she seemed to be enjoying it all.

I got a T and tried to sort things out.

Hey wait a minute... .from the time we first got together, I was there. I wanted to be with her. Always. I showed up. I put a home together, (yes... it was mostly all of my energy). I loved and supported her with her chaos and abuse from her evil stepmother (she was evil, too!). I was not perfect and neither was she (although in my mind I tended to believe that she was)... .we lived together for five years and her family really liked me and I definitely loved them (except the evil step mother).    

... .and then wham... .everything changed... .oh wait... .it wasn't everything... .it was just her. She just packed a bag of clothes, told me a bunch of lies and ran off to her new supply ("0h, no, infared, their isn't any one else".  She would toy with me and demean me, etc. Etc. Etc.

Wait... .I was always there, I always showed up, consistently. Yet I was painted black.

What had changed?

Her. All this push-pull and insanity. It was so abusive. So downright cruel.

Wait... .when did I feel absolutely horrible... .oh... if I was around or in contact with her.

She ran off with another man... .and "I" had to end it! Twisted, extremely twisted reality that life had served up. I knew nothing about BPD, then. If I was to survive... .I had to hug me, look in the mirror and say... .we have to do this for your survival... she is mentally ill and you interacting with this mentally ill person is killing you. I made a decision with the help of my T and went absolute contact. ABSOLUTE. It was VERY difficult. I sought out and found a ton of support. I needed it. I was a mess... .but it got better, slowly.

It has been years. She will still try to talk to me in a public place. I have none of it. EVER. Would I have a conversation with or try to reach an adult place of understanding with a  suicide bomber? No.  I do think of her every day... .but I have never felt that Godawful anguish ever again. No contact.  I do the things I love and enjoy my life. She is a toxin to be avoided at all cost. I do not have to understand it, I do not have to explain it. If I am loving me, I simply stay away from her. Period. Self preservation. I hope she is ok. I do not know.

It makes no sense to my heart... .but there it is!
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MrConfusedWithItAll
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« Reply #17 on: March 14, 2015, 06:12:57 AM »

Unfortunately you are hooked into her crazy.  The triangulation is quite normal.  You need to work out how you can begin No Contact.  Complete radio silence.  Nothing else will assist you in healing.  Be strong.  You will recover.
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Alberto
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« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2015, 06:14:25 AM »

Doing that now. I feel better about it... .its just when i get lost in my own thoughts that its the worst. I'm generally a lonely guy and I don't want to burden my friends with this crap anymore.

Be honest with yourself, do you really want someone in your life that behaves like that? If you had a relationship again would you trust her? would you be completly happy after all that happened?

Look at it from a rational stand point and work from there. You can only get out of this by going NC and letting time do the healing, there is no other way. It will get better, guaranteed.
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2015, 07:28:41 AM »

She made me feel like the world and the sex. It doesnt compare to any of the girls since our first NC.

It's called "love bombing" and we most likely all fell for it, otherwise we wouldn't be here. That is the most expensive sex you will ever pay for in your life. The cost is something you can't imagine right now. In any case, the love bombing is all fake. You haven't felt this before because it's not normal and healthy people don't do it. You scored your first bad apple here.

Excerpt
... but I know her. she doesn't just "break up"... .please send guidance if you've gotten this far.

Yes you're right. They always keep the exes and the casuals hanging around for when they need a little extra supply, which is usually when you don't do as you're told.

I would suggest she did you a favour. Perhaps a therapist can help you work through it.
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Infared
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« Reply #20 on: March 15, 2015, 08:06:06 AM »

Well the easiest thing was getting distracted by another girl. Which worked but ultimately it didn't lead to anything. So I just I just succumbed when I got drunk last thursday and found a way to get into connect with her. I didn't expect anythign to come of it. As it stands now we've talked and she hasn't blocked me. However, she told me that if I was to contact her she would block me. At this point I just want revenge for turning my life upside down this week. I find myself distracted. I can't focus on much of anything and its taking its toll out on my life at the moment. Im not sure why I think that her coming back to me would fix everything because I know it won't... .But its still what I want and if I can't have that. Revenge is the only way I have of feeling better right now... .and by revenge I mean like property damage. To the guys car... .She lives close by and I just connected the new car parked out side my building is him visiting her... .

Wahoo I think that that would be a bad choice for you.  Short term reward for long term low self-esteem.   I had the opposite reaction than you... .

... .my outlook was that I was in a relationship with her... .the guy she was cheating on me with could have been anyone... .it really did not matter (he just wanted to be with a sexy, leggy blonde that was coming on to him, DUH ... .just like me!)... .what I focused on was her betrayal, and abandonment and "carrot dangling attempt at triangulation"... not the guy.

I ran for support to try and heal from a very damaging situation. I did not play... I would have just been part of the problem, not the solution.   It was not easy... it was a very painful time for me... .I struggled, but it got better when I distanced myself from her. She was not a healthy person and certainly not relationship material,. Hard to realize after living with her for 5 years.
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2015, 10:51:08 AM »

Yes, I agree with Infrared... .Short term reward for long term low self-esteem.

The guy hasn't done anything to you. If he was to interfere with you in any way that would be a different story. He could seriously be ANYBODY.

This is a hard situation you find yourself in. I've been there and I took her back into my life for this very reason - that was my big mistake.

Think of finding a way that will allow you to get over this horrible addiction and stop making excuses for why you think  you should be together and how you might each benefit. Focus on how you will start healing from this damage and not how you can exact revenge. You don't need to do anything to get revenge ... .she will do it all by herself. But who is going to anything for you here if you don't do it yourself?
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rg1976
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« Reply #22 on: March 15, 2015, 11:04:54 PM »

Okay, here is what may be coming next: "I'm pregnant."

Watch out, please. This would not be a good outcome. Detach yourself.
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