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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Anyone else have their BPD say something similar?  (Read 460 times)
ShadowIntheNight
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« on: March 17, 2015, 12:09:25 AM »

My ex and I were together for 9.5 yrs. We knew each other for 10 years. When we first started seeing one another she would tell me that she told her exH that she was in the relationship because she wanted to be there not because she needed to be there. They got married, so I presume that was during their dating period that she told him this.

At the start of our relationship she began saying the same thing to me: "I am here because I want to be here not because I need to be here. The last time she told me that was probably 4 years ago when she was going thru a push/pull phase. It wasn't something she said too often, but often enough that it got my attention.

I never understood why she would tell me this. I figured then it was to let me know that she made decisions of her own free will. I just thought it was silly, frankly. I mean, why else would you eat, sleep, drink another person unless you wanted to be with them.

In hindsight now I guess it was more for her benefit so she could let me know she could leave as easily as she arrived. I have no idea why she even bothered to say such a thing. Did anyone else experience being told something like this in the early months of their relationship.? Would anyone here care to venture an interpretation of this pithy little gem? Thanks.
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JRT
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« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2015, 12:38:30 AM »

Although it would be better if I knew the context... .was she happy when she said it... .was it said during an argument... .here is my guess without:

BPD's need as opposed to want, right? I wonder if she was telling that she was ok (even if that was not the case in truth) since she wanted and did not only need?
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2015, 01:02:49 AM »

Although it would be better if I knew the context... .was she happy when she said it... .was it said during an argument... .here is my guess without:

BPD's need as opposed to want, right? I wonder if she was telling that she was ok (even if that was not the case in truth) since she wanted and did not only need?

It wasn't ever in an argument, I don't believe because we never argued the way I hear some couples do. And it wasn't really in a conversational way either. More like we were discussing goals, that kind of thing. It was odd to me that she would say it when she was feeling stressed about something. And I kind of remember her saying it in a threatening way if she was hungry or tired. She also told me that she said it to her exH and I think it was her way of telling me the same thing indirectly without saying it straight out to me.

I wonder if it was a form of emotional blackmail, like a subtle way of her saying she may not stick around. I have read that emotional blackmailers like to keep their "victims" out of sorts by keeping them off balance and doing everything for the blackmailer to keep them from leaving. I say this only because I have also come to the conclusion my ex was an emotional blackmailer and was controlling me in ways I hadn't realized.
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Smileypants
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« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2015, 07:52:20 AM »

My BPDhusband tells me "I can do this bad on my own".  Kinda his version of that.  He usually says it when something isn't going well or he's angry about how I handled something.  He uses it as a threat, because he never leaves.  I don't think he could manage on his own.  If he did leave, he'd be on the hunt for a replacement for me. Someone else to take care of him & to take all the responsibility, all his anger and blame. He also likes to tell me how quickly he can replace me & how and why no one would want me.

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rarsweet
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« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2015, 08:25:48 AM »

I think they are trying to distort your perception. When someone treats us like crap we think they don't love us. That's normal. They try to distort that, as if they are here because they want to be, they really love us. And its like they are trying to say they are in the relationship to give you what you want, instead of them being there because of what they need. Like they are doing you a favor, you should be grateful. My ex did this constantly, as if I was supposed to put up with bad behavior, because I should be thankful he didn't leave.
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StarOfTheSea
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« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2015, 08:26:31 AM »

My ex BPDbf would say similar statements, such as how he was with me because he wanted to be, not because he needed to be and how that was healthier. Those statements were said during casual conversation.

After we lost our baby we had an argument about trying again and he said if I wanted to leave he wasn't going to beg me to stay, that he wouldn't beg any woman to stay and that if I left he could never be with another woman. (Like I needed to be having this f-ed up conversation while recovering from surgery  )

I think his motivation was to make himself sound stronger and that he didn't 'need' anybody.  
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jammo1989
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« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2015, 09:04:40 AM »

My ex and I were together for 9.5 yrs. We knew each other for 10 years. When we first started seeing one another she would tell me that she told her exH that she was in the relationship because she wanted to be there not because she needed to be there. They got married, so I presume that was during their dating period that she told him this.

At the start of our relationship she began saying the same thing to me: "I am here because I want to be here not because I need to be here. The last time she told me that was probably 4 years ago when she was going thru a push/pull phase. It wasn't something she said too often, but often enough that it got my attention.

I never understood why she would tell me this. I figured then it was to let me know that she made decisions of her own free will. I just thought it was silly, frankly. I mean, why else would you eat, sleep, drink another person unless you wanted to be with them.

In hindsight now I guess it was more for her benefit so she could let me know she could leave as easily as she arrived. I have no idea why she even bothered to say such a thing. Did anyone else experience being told something like this in the early months of their relationship.? Would anyone here care to venture an interpretation of this pithy little gem? Thanks.

Shadow, I can tell you exactly what she meant by that, because my ex said something pretty similar, she said it because shes letting you know she has other options (back up supply) if needed, shes basically saying "If you dont give me what I deserve I could drop you in a second" She has a low self worth so shes saying these things in ordr for you to validate her and make her feel special, but in a logical sense all shes doing is threatening you with abandonment if you dont meet her needs.  For example my ex once said this to me:

"Ive got better looking guy mates than you" at first I went mad at her, BUT this was her form of baiting, she needed the attention to be on her because at the time i was on the iPad, but after analyzing everything I came to the conclusion that what she meant by that was that shes letting me know that she has other options and if i didnt meet her expectations she could drop me in a heart beat. 

So yeah, thats how I would see it with your ex to, they want to make themselves look and feel worthy of others, and by doing so allows them to feed off that desired attention.     
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JRT
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« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2015, 09:05:37 AM »

Now that I know more I wonder if it is/was a mantra of sorts?
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apollotech
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2015, 10:00:40 AM »

Shadow,

You interpreted it correctly; it was a veiled threat. We are in control of our wants but not our needs. She was letting you know that she was in control of her staying or leaving. It was a threat because, as you said, there is no use in saying something like that to your partner in a relationship. Anyone can walk out of a relationship at anytime; that's an accepted premise for both parties in a relationship, no need to say it. Verbalizing it makes it a threat.

It's also a control statement: 1) to control you through the threat (have you perform to keep her "want" active), 2) to let you know that your wants/needs are secondary to hers (yes, she is the center of the universe), and 3) to make you grateful to her that she is granting you the privelage of being in her presence.

These people, a pwBPD, are "emotionally" children. No emotionally healthy adult would make a statement like that except in a loving way towards their SO. For a pwBPD it's just a statement representative of a childish tantrum: If I don't get what I want, I am leaving.
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Bumpsintheroad

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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2015, 10:08:21 AM »

Shadow,

As the old saying goes, words have meaning.  My two cents is that these type of comments are strategic in nature and tend to be delivered at an emotionally stressful point by the pwBPD.  

I heard them all; I WANT to be here, I NEED to be here, I CHOOSE to be here.  They will use whatever words necessary to get your mind to place them in highest esteem (for that moment).  It's pure manipulation of the NON.  

pwBPD dare not look at the past for fear of seeing the carnage they have caused.  So they feed the present in order to guarantee any sort of future.  

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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2015, 09:53:00 PM »

Thanks everyone for your observations. I am continually astounded that strangers who have never met have had amazingly similar experiences within their relationships. When you are in the midst of it you can't imagine that anyone has ever gone through what you have. And yet here we are.

It's interesting that she told me this and she told me she had told her exH this as well. And I wonder if it has made it into the accepted dialogue of her current paramour. If so, then I know she is lying about the wanting to be there and not needing to be there.

As I've dwelt on this the last 24 hours, I remember during her major dysregulating (and clearly the point that my relationship with her was over) last April something she said to me. The judge had rendered his decision on her protracted custody battle with her exH and she had called me to tell me the outcome. I have never heard her as angry as she was. I think she even pulled off the road to tell me she was so livid. After she told me the ruling she then said to me "If I have to find some man to eff so that I can keep my kids in private school, then that's what I'm going to do." I was flabbergasted.

We were a lesbian couple and had been together quite a while. And here she is telling me this. Imagine! However that statement alone is proof that she actually is in her new relationship with some man because she "needs" to be there and not because she "wants" to be there.

I now think her saying this to both me and her exH was definitely to keep us anxious and off balance and making sure we did everything to keep her "happy." God knows I tried! Still it's either that or she wants to be with me, but she "needs" to be with a man.

It takes too much energy to concoct the things our partners have!
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ImGoingCrazy

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« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2015, 06:06:36 AM »

Same thing happened to me ... its typical i think... .
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Wordage

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« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2015, 07:00:49 PM »

Shadow,

My uBPDh says it ... sometimes when we are just having regular conversation and reevaluating things, or when he knows that I an not happy with a recent argument and he needs tonreassure himself, I suppose.

it is usually phrased like: We are together because we love each other. I dont need to be here but want to be here. And neither do you (I aways want to say: I can speak for myself)

I recognise it as a control mechanism, and seeing as I'm new here I am learning that it is not just an isolated incident with me.
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2015, 08:13:40 PM »

Shadow,

My uBPDh says it ... sometimes when we are just having regular conversation and reevaluating things, or when he knows that I an not happy with a recent argument and he needs tonreassure himself, I suppose.

it is usually phrased like: We are together because we love each other. I dont need to be here but want to be here. And neither do you (I aways want to say: I can speak for myself)

I recognise it as a control mechanism, and seeing as I'm new here I am learning that it is not just an isolated incident with me.

I guess it must bring you relief to know that you aren't the only one hearing such things, eh? But for me, I have never said to anyone, "look, I don't need to be here, I want to be here," as if they are doing you a favor by being involved with you. In reality, I think they do need to be there. I think secure people know it's an unnecessary statement and wouldnt make it unless the relationship is coming to an end. In which case a healthy person isn't finding a replacement before they bolt either.

So I am suspicious now of anyone making that statement at all. I do think you are correct. I do think it's about control. And probably because they do need to be there, and it scares the crap out of them that they do need another person.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2015, 08:50:11 PM »

When my ex said this I would think" am I supposed to say thank you?"
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2015, 09:54:36 PM »

I am here because I want to be here not because I need to be here.

My exBPDbf said similar things. He also made a big point of talking about how he never had a problem getting laid. Some of it was ego-boosting, some of it was manipulation/control, some of it was self-soothing confabulations... .and some of it was probably genuinely meant to be reassuring to me, in his way. People are complex in why they say the things they say, and borderlines even doubly so.

The "reassuring" aspect could be that she's telling you she's choosing you, instead of staying out of necessity. On the surface, that's a healthy thing. Borderlines are good at mirroring "healthy" but not actually doing healthy, because they don't understand it beyond the surface. So it could be that it's meant as a compliment.

The reality is that a borderline attachment is based on need - so a statement like that could be a defense mechanism (denial) against a perceived threat. When that's the case, the response shows what "nerve" was hit - for example, if that statement was said in response to something that made the borderline realize their neediness.

The ego-boosting and self-soothing is similar. It could be sort of like a mantra, used when they feel vulnerable or insecure or otherwise in need of comfort. We all have our own forms of this - self-soothing is important. But a borderline never learned how to self-soothe in a healthy way, so they often do so in ways hurtful to themselves and/or others.

And yes, sometimes such things are said to manipulate or exert control over the situation. The manipulation and games are part of the complex series of defense mechanisms and maladaptive coping strategies that borderlines have developed to ensure their emotional survival. They're desperately trying to maintain control.

In reality, I think they do need to be there. I think secure people know it's an unnecessary statement and wouldnt make it unless the relationship is coming to an end. In which case a healthy person isn't finding a replacement before they bolt either.

I do think it's about control. And probably because they do need to be there, and it scares the crap out of them that they do need another person.

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downnout98
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« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2015, 09:59:01 PM »

My ex would say things like that and at first they bothered me but after time I started to overlook them. My mistake. Out of the blue she would ask " are you mine?" Of course I was, who else would I belong to? Actually at first I would say that I wasnt a possession and didn't belong to anyone but after a while I dropped it. Sometimes she would ask this after we had great sex.

When things were not going well, she would say that she wished that she didn't love me so much or that she lived me too much that it hurt. I didn't understand this many times. She would even say that when things were going well. Just out of the blue and would make me start to wonder what was going on.
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Mutt
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« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2015, 10:09:54 PM »

I recall something similar during my r/s and she'd say something along the lines I do what I want

For the life of me I didn't understand what it meant. If I had to think of why she was saying this I had floating boundaries in the r/s and when I asserted boundaries she tends to have problems with personal boundaries and crosses boundaries of others

I think she was verbalizing her dislike of my boundaries, I didn't have many boundaries and the ones I did have floated and usually she'd say I do what I want or You can't control me. Now that I've learned about boundaries I de-personalize her remarks and defend my boundaries.
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gomez_addams
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« Reply #18 on: March 19, 2015, 10:13:39 PM »

I get stuff all the time that I interpret as passive-aggressive attempts to say, "I want to divorce" without saying it.

"If you were my boyfriend I would have left a long time ago."

"I don't want to live in a marriage where XY&Z... ."

"If it wasn't for my Christian beliefs, I'd have divorced you a long time ago."

If I question anything along those lines, it's always 'just an observation'... .She once told me that the only time in the past two years that she felt loved, felt happy and/or felt I was trying was when I thought she was going to leave me.

Gomez
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