Breaking away from high functioning husband with BPD Traits

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Where do I start?  I have successfully managed to raise three wonderful children and deal with what I thought was a very difficult and controlling spouse.  I married my now ex-husband in my senior year of college, we married and soon had three children. We had a wonderful courtship, we were both young and in love. My husband was a beautiful, young and talented young man.  But, very soon after we were married I began to experience his controlling ways.  It confused me at first, because I found myself apologizing for arguments or conflicts that I had not started or created.  It was difficult I did not understand why he would get so angry, he soon became violent and abusive.  He loved the children very much so he would only mistreat me in private.  We both loved the children and wanted the best for them, so we worked hard to get ahead.  We did not have family support, so we depended on each other to get ahead.  We both advanced in our careers and supported each other, but there was always something wrong he would get angry at me and in intimacy would often start a fight and tell me I just wanted to control him.   It was not until his early 50's that he began to talk about leaving, and telling me that he was done.  He wanted his own life, and was tired of not having any money.  We had successfully managed to put our three children through college, but we were still dealing with the financial responsibility of having taken care of our children.  I always thought, if he would only wait until we got through this stage we would be free to enjoy the fruit of our labor.  But, he was never satisfied he would go from being normal to becoming mean and verbally abusive.  He would make excuses for his behavior and blame it on his troubled childhood, he blame his mother and his past as the cause of his behavior.  It was not until one day, he decided to leave.  He just picked up his clothes and left.  Two of my daughters had just come back from college and were in transition to adulthood.    This was 7years ago, it was until the trauma of having my husband leave me that finally got me into therapy.  It has been through therapy that I have found how I played into the disfunction in my relationship.  I am caretaker, I am in a helping profession, I like to help people.  I realized that I had to work on aspects of my personality that had made me codependant on my husband.   I divorced my husband so we could divide our assets, my husband wanted control.  Although, I had started my career after the children were in grade school, I had managed to surpass my husband and earned  more money.  He did not like the idea that I made more money.  He felt that I made more money, so I demanded control.   (All in his mind!)

Although, we were divorced we never lived apart,  he bought an apartment  and we used both the family home and the apartment.  In this last seven years, I found out that he had secretly had a lover I did not find out until I had reconcile with him.  He had managed to keep it a secret, he blamed our marriage for his affair.  He said he was so angry, in time through therapy we were able to get through the affair and I forgave him.  He blamed his job, for his unhappiness if he would only work in something he loved.  So, he went back to college for a second Master's Degree, again I thought once he gets his degree and starts to teach he would be happy.  My relationship can be so normal and loving, and then turn into confusion and disbelief in what he does to me.  He is inconsiderate and critical, he no longer verbally abuses me I made it clear long ago I will not put up with it.  But, he still managed to be mean.  I realize now I have lived this cycle, it is different as the years have passed but a cycle of loving behavior with periods of pain and suffering.  My children are now adults, they love their father but understand that he is not a good husband to me.  We all find it hard to believe that his man is the same man that hurts me and wants to go and come into my life as he pleases.  I have finally set boundaries, he was actually the one that wanted to end the relationship.  He never sat with me and had a conversation, he simply started talking out of the blue  "wanting to be free', like a lunatic.  This happened five months ago, he stopped coming home and did not want to have contact with me. But,  now five months after he wants contact with me, and texts me every other day with any excuse.  Wants to be my friend for the sake of the kids, we don't have kids. He is back to himself again, he is nice and I exist again in his life.  He is loving to his children, except for the fact that he can get needy.  But, they are straight with him and he corrects himself.  This cycle is familiar, he writes about wanting to be close and then brings up his painful past and how happy he is to finally have a place of his own where he can love himself and not have to deal with being a perfect son teenager, father and husband?  We have done marriage counseling  together, but not until recently mentioned in one of his email that he believes that he has attachment disorder.  Where that came from, I really don't know.  I have been in pain, because I thought that things would get better once he changed jobs and was happy.  I have gone back to therapy, I need to be ready to deal with my ex-husband again.  It is hard to avoid him, but I am determined to keep my boundaries.  It is confusing because he can make me forget that he is the same man that is hurtful. It has been thirty-four years of a life with this man, he is still so handsome, talented and smart, and takes care of me at times.  It is so confusing, but I keep telling myself it is not enough. 

[34yearlifer]

Where do I start?  I have successfully managed to raise three wonderful children and deal with what I thought was a very difficult and controlling spouse.  I married my now ex-husband in my senior year of college, we married and soon had three children. We had a wonderful courtship, we were both young and in love. My husband was a beautiful, young and talented young man.  But, very soon after we were married I began to experience his controlling ways.  It confused me at first, because I found myself apologizing for arguments or conflicts that I had not started or created.  It was difficult I did not understand why he would get so angry, he soon became violent and abusive.  He loved the children very much so he would only mistreat me in private.  We both loved the children and wanted the best for them, so we worked hard to get ahead.  We did not have family support, so we depended on each other to get ahead.  We both advanced in our careers and supported each other, but there was always something wrong he would get angry at me and in intimacy would often start a fight and tell me I just wanted to control him.   It was not until his early 50's that he began to talk about leaving, and telling me that he was done.  He wanted his own life, and was tired of not having any money.  We had successfully managed to put our three children through college, but we were still dealing with the financial responsibility of having taken care of our children.  I always thought, if he would only wait until we got through this stage we would be free to enjoy the fruit of our labor.  But, he was never satisfied he would go from being normal to becoming mean and verbally abusive.  He would make excuses for his behavior and blame it on his troubled childhood, he blame his mother and his past as the cause of his behavior.  It was not until one day, he decided to leave.  He just picked up his clothes and left.  Two of my daughters had just come back from college and were in transition to adulthood.    This was 7years ago, it was until the trauma of having my husband leave me that finally got me into therapy.  It has been through therapy that I have found how I played into the disfunction in my relationship.  I am caretaker, I am in a helping profession, I like to help people.  I realized that I had to work on aspects of my personality that had made me codependant on my husband.   I divorced my husband so we could divide our assets, my husband wanted control.  Although, I had started my career after the children were in grade school, I had managed to surpass my husband and earned  more money.  He did not like the idea that I made more money.  He felt that I made more money, so I demanded control.   (All in his mind!)

Although, we were divorced we never lived apart,  he bought an apartment  and we used both the family home and the apartment.  In this last seven years, I found out that he had secretly had a lover I did not find out until I had reconcile with him.  He had managed to keep it a secret, he blamed our marriage for his affair.  He said he was so angry, in time through therapy we were able to get through the affair and I forgave him.  He blamed his job, for his unhappiness if he would only work in something he loved.  So, he went back to college for a second Master's Degree, again I thought once he gets his degree and starts to teach he would be happy.  My relationship can be so normal and loving, and then turn into confusion and disbelief in what he does to me.  He is inconsiderate and critical, he no longer verbally abuses me I made it clear long ago I will not put up with it.  But, he still managed to be mean.  I realize now I have lived this cycle, it is different as the years have passed but a cycle of loving behavior with periods of pain and suffering.  My children are now adults, they love their father but understand that he is not a good husband to me.  We all find it hard to believe that his man is the same man that hurts me and wants to go and come into my life as he pleases.  I have finally set boundaries, he was actually the one that wanted to end the relationship.  He never sat with me and had a conversation, he simply started talking out of the blue  "wanting to be free', like a lunatic.  This happened five months ago, he stopped coming home and did not want to have contact with me. But,  now five months after he wants contact with me, and texts me every other day with any excuse.  Wants to be my friend for the sake of the kids, we don't have kids. He is back to himself again, he is nice and I exist again in his life.  He is loving to his children, except for the fact that he can get needy.  But, they are straight with him and he corrects himself.  This cycle is familiar, he writes about wanting to be close and then brings up his painful past and how happy he is to finally have a place of his own where he can love himself and not have to deal with being a perfect son teenager, father and husband?  We have done marriage counseling  together, but not until recently mentioned in one of his email that he believes that he has attachment disorder.  Where that came from, I really don't know.  I have been in pain, because I thought that things would get better once he changed jobs and was happy.  I have gone back to therapy, I need to be ready to deal with my ex-husband again.  It is hard to avoid him, but I am determined to keep my boundaries.  It is confusing because he can make me forget that he is the same man that is hurtful. It has been thirty-four years of a life with this man, he is still so handsome, talented and smart, and takes care of me at times.  It is so confusing, but I keep telling myself it is not enough. 

[jhkbuzz]

Wow, this is a sad story... .I'm so sorry for your pain.  It sounds like you've held onto hope for a long time - hoping that the different circumstances in his/your lives would finally make him "happy" - but that day never comes. It also sounds like you love your husband but you are tired of being abused... .I understand. You deserve to be treated gently and with love and respect.

This sounds like really a difficult situation (in part) because your husband doesn't take responsibility for his behavior. This is most obvious in your description of his statement about the affair: "he blamed our marriage for his affair." Has he started taking responsibility in your recent communications with him?

It sounds like you're struggling with the decision to reconcile - is that correct? Why is it hard to avoid him?

[34yearlifer]

Hello thank you for responding to my post   Yes,  I have suffered greatly in my life with my husband.  You ask why is it hard to avoid him, because we have only had each other for all this years to count on.  We have very dysfunctional families, both of us.  I have a mother who is controlling and loving, just like my husband and a father that has no character.  My family of origin is wounded, emotionally there has always been conflict.  My parents model their own behavior with their own siblings on to my brothers and sisters.  I love my brother and sisters, but they are emotionally distant.  My husband comes from a single family household, that faced poverty, alcoholic step father, abuse.  It is also generational, so we had to separate from his family to protect our children.  Our children are surprisingly doing well, in spite of all the drama in the family.  My husband is able to be loving to them and supportive.  It is only me,  he tries to make sense of his behavior by explaining that we have different views of life.  I am traditional and he is free as a bird.   Since our separation one of our  daughters got married and my son moved to Arizona with his wife.  It is hard to avoid him, because he needs me.  But, I want more as you say he needs to take responsibility for his behavior.  It is easy to make me happy, we like doing the same things.  But, I realize since the separation that I also need to find my identity that I had lost.  I am making friends, and enjoying doing things on my own.  I have not spoken to him in a month, and don't plan on it.  My plan is to ask for conditions for my

friendship, I need him to seek therapy.  I do not have friends that hurt me, "so find out why you mistreat me." Otherwise, I plan on only seeing him at mandatory family get togethers.

[jhkbuzz]

It is hard to avoid him, because he needs me.  But, I want more as you say he needs to take responsibility for his behavior.  It is easy to make me happy, we like doing the same things.  But, I realize since the separation that I also need to find my identity that I had lost.  I am making friends, and enjoying doing things on my own.  I have not spoken to him in a month, and don't plan on it.  My plan is to ask for conditions for my friendship, I need him to seek therapy.  I do not have friends that hurt me, "so find out why you mistreat me." Otherwise, I plan on only seeing him at mandatory family get togethers.

The obligation you feel is difficult... .it's often the very thing that keeps us tied to unhealthy situations.  In that equation, remember that YOUR needs count equally, if not more, than what your husband needs at that moment. Don't feel obligated to sacrifice your own well being for his "needs" - it sounds like you have done that for far too long. As adults, we are each responsible for meeting our own needs.

It's AWESOME that you've recognized that you have lost your identity in the relationship and are taking steps to remedy that!   The boundaries that you are planning to draw with your husband should also delineate what YOU will do if he violates what you consider to be 'acceptable behavior.'  In other words, you can't control his behavior, but you can certainly decide how you will respond to it. (e.g. if he becomes verbally abusive you will hang up the phone, leave the room, etc.). Boundaries are always about your behavior, not about trying to determine how someone else will act.

I'm glad you've found this discussion board.  The more you read, the more you will learn.  I've benefited a LOT from other people's experiences and advice.