Does she miss me ?

[dobie]

The evidence says no  :'(

Not had contact apart from a xmass text

Ignore most of my emails claimed she never got them

Responded to one with

"I'm sorry I hurt you nothing I can say will make u feel better

Your a great guy with lots to offer and you will meet a girl who loves you and makes you happy we were just not meant to be and deep down you know that "

Tried to take up her early offer of friendship in the BU last month

Got told "we can't meet its too soon for both of us sorry "

Told my bro she wants me to be happy , wishes me all the best and the reason she can't see me is she is a coward she should have left years ago

Does she really not love or miss me at all  :'(

Do I mean nothing am I extinguished completely  :'(

Feel so low so blue she was everything to me .

[newtothis28]

Dobie,

I'm sure your ex misses you.  I could tell how she felt from the earlier posts, but since she's trying to move, she cannot have contact.

[FannyB]

I don't know. While she has new supply she will be utterly consumed by that. When devaluation comes you may enter her consciousness again as she re-evaluates what her 'perfect relationship' should look like.  The more he disappoints her, the better you will look by comparison. That's why so many get re-cycled. Better than nothing for many pwBPD. 

[dobie]

I don't know. While she has new supply she will be utterly consumed by that. When devaluation comes you may enter her consciousness again as she re-evaluates what her 'perfect relationship' should look like.  The more he disappoints her, the better you will look by comparison. That's why so many get re-cycled. Better than nothing for many pwBPD.  

She swears she has no bf she told my bro last month it would be hard to find someone like me to match her on the intellectual level .

I caught her on dating sites in Jan so I'm sure she is seeing people just no one serious

[dobie]

Dobie,

I'm sure your ex misses you.  I could tell how she felt from the earlier posts, but since she's trying to move, she cannot have contact.

Why is she doing this it makes no sense if she misses me  :'(

I keep hearing her I've not loved you for a year speech I should have left you a year ago blah blah

Her if I saw you I would come back for a few more years I guess was guilt

She accused me of being able to manipulate her and be very convincing I guess that's what she calls reason and trying to work things out "manipulation"

She said the same to my bro he said that's the point you try and work things out she looked perplexed ?

[newtothis28]

Dobie,

I'm sure your ex misses you.  I could tell how she felt from the earlier posts, but since she's trying to move, she cannot have contact.

Why is she doing this it makes no sense if she misses me  :'(

I keep hearing her I've not loved you for a year speech I should have left you a year ago blah blah

Her if I saw you I would come back for a few more years I guess was guilt

She accused me of being able to manipulate her and be very convincing I guess that's what she calls reason and trying to work things out "manipulation"

She said the same to my bro he said that's the point you try and work things out she looked perplexed ?

Sometimes, I miss my ex, but I still won't contact him.  It's just to help you move forward from the breakup.  The I've should have left you a year ago comment was probably said out of anger and she didn't mean it. 

[valet]

I understand how you feel here, and it definitely has it's own sadness. It's not uncommon or unhealthy, though, so don't think that you're any worse off than anyone else might be.

I think the question that you need to ask yourself is why do you need to know that she misses you? Would it make any difference?

Anytime a relationship ends both parties will miss each other to a certain extent. This holds true for people with BPD too. You spent a large amount of time with her. It would be impossible for her to erase that fact. If she is not contacting you it is probably for the best, considering your emotional state. You might want to take this, ironically enough, as her way of expressing the love that she has for you. You need to heal. Not communicating for a period of time is, in my experience, the best way to do this.

[newtothis28]

I understand how you feel here, and it definitely has it's own sadness. It's not uncommon or unhealthy, though, so don't think that you're any worse off than anyone else might be.

I think the question that you need to ask yourself is why do you need to know that she misses you? Would it make any difference?

Anytime a relationship ends both parties will miss each other to a certain extent. This holds true for people with BPD too. You spent a large amount of time with her. It would be impossible for her to erase that fact. If she is not contacting you it is probably for the best, considering your emotional state. You might want to take this, ironically enough, as her way of expressing the love that she has for you. You need to heal. Not communicating for a period of time is, in my experience, the best way to do this.

I think knowing your ex misses you shows how he or she regrets the choices they make in the relationship. 

[dobie]

Showing she misses me or cares would imply she has human feelings i meant something i spent nearly seven years with her we went through everything together i was her rock her goto guy her bf !

i exist i feel i hurt  :'(

she met my bro last month to return some stuff she said the same cold thing i should have left him a year ago i was hoping things would get better i should not have carried on taking him to wedding venues (she was the one pushing for the wedding) getting distraught when we were late for a viewing !

Arghhh she has blown my mind with her hot/cold behaviours

so much contradiction over the last year

my bro last month : why didn't you speak to him or reach out

her : if i did i know he would have got me to stay for a few more years

my bro : that's the point to work things out fix things

her : silence and confused look

her i know i might never met someone as smart as him to match me again

my bro : why did u break up

her : arguing and resentment over money

my bro : that's it ? You threw it all away for that ?

her : we are just not right for each other


my bro : no your not right for him and you  wont find someone  as caring , loving loyal , dedicated , honest , warm , funny

her : silence

[AwakenedOne]

I feel it would not be productive to tell you that I'm sure that she misses you and regrets her decisions. That is not the pattern of what someone with BPD does. They paint us black, punish (this varies in severity in each individual relationship), trash our name to everyone to appear as the victim and then move on. As FannyB wrote above that if she is hard up again for companionship you may get a call. It's only though because you "will do" for the time being. Sometimes a reality check is the first step on the road to healing even though it is painful. Dobie she is mentally sick.   

[dobie]

I feel it would not be productive to tell you that I'm sure that she misses you and regrets her decisions. That is not the pattern of what someone with BPD does. They paint us black, punish (this varies in severity in each individual relationship), trash our name to everyone to appear as the victim and then move on. As FannyB wrote above that if she is hard up again for companionship you may get a call. It's only though because you "will do" for the time being. Sometimes a reality check is the first step on the road to healing even though it is painful. Dobie she is mentally sick.  

that's the problem i don't know if she is BPD or just immature , depressed , anxious , and selfish

she was always those things she is a user no doubt she is a pro victim but is she mental ? I don't know .

her narrative is we just drifted apart she grew up and im a nasty man who used her for her money BS !

and i said horrible things im such a meanie she put up with so much. And  she is the victim that's what she is telling people i imagine .

[valet]

that's the problem i don't know if she is BPD or just immature , depressed , anxious , and selfish

she was always those things she is a user no doubt she is a pro victim but is she mental ? I don't know .

BPD or not, do you really want to be with a person that is 'immature, depressed, anxious, and selfish'?

[dobie]

that's the problem i don't know if she is BPD or just immature , depressed , anxious , and selfish

she was always those things she is a user no doubt she is a pro victim but is she mental ? I don't know .

BPD or not, do you really want to be with a person that is 'immature, depressed, anxious, and selfish'?

No but she was not always a totally  selfish person i saw her kindness her empathy for my father i saw her light less over the last few years but its there she is not Charles Manson

there is beauty and goodness in her but its pushed down .

she is complex this last year or so and the BU just brought out the worst side in her to full force 

[Chrisbazsky77]

Hi Dobie,

I'm new to the site, on the "undecided" board for now... .my H and I are seperated for the past 2.5 weeks... .I posted something on that board about "do they actually ccarry out their threats"... .when u get the chance, you will know why I came looking for answers... .so many questions! I can totally relate to how you're feeling! I ask myself if my marriage was a lie, was my love and loyalty taken for granted. He has sent messages that he is "sorry". I ask myself if he feels one shred of regret that he is not doing anything to help himself. I also feel like I don't exist... .ask myself, does he even realise what this condition has caused? Does he not care to atleast try? Sadly, I feel just about worthless now. Like my love meant nothing! Deep down I know he is hurting-he mentioned that many times... .but does he actually KNOW why? At this point, I don't think he knows. So I don't think, in your case, that she is full aware of how much hurting! Just know, you're not alone in your question.

[newtothis28]

I feel it would not be productive to tell you that I'm sure that she misses you and regrets her decisions. That is not the pattern of what someone with BPD does. They paint us black, punish (this varies in severity in each individual relationship), trash our name to everyone to appear as the victim and then move on. As FannyB wrote above that if she is hard up again for companionship you may get a call. It's only though because you "will do" for the time being. Sometimes a reality check is the first step on the road to healing even though it is painful. Dobie she is mentally sick.   

Considering this is what I posted, I feel absolutely required to respond.  First, you don't know what or how she feels.  There are several possible emotions a person can feel and posting an opinion about one of those emotions is not counterproductive. Second, I did not say that she actually regretted her decisions, which is a possibility, mentally ill or not.  I said when an ex misses you, it can possibly mean that they regret some of the decisions that they have made.  Third, a person with BPD doesn't always trash you.  While that may be an experience for some, don't speak for everyone and say that your "reality" is the reality.  I would love nothing more than for Dobie to heal and move forward, but he can analyze and ask questions.  That is a part of the healing process.       

[FannyB]

Dobie

You're obviously having a tough time getting your head around the magnitude of what she did to you and what she feels about you now. As such you're asking 'nons' to second guess what a pwBPD is thinking. It might be worth taking a look on psychforums or some other message board where pwBPD write about how they are feeling. You might find some answers there that might help you move on.   

FannyByGaslighting

[Reforming]

The evidence says no  :'(

Not had contact apart from a xmass text

Ignore most of my emails claimed she never got them

Responded to one with

"I'm sorry I hurt you nothing I can say will make u feel better

Your a great guy with lots to offer and you will meet a girl who loves you and makes you happy we were just not meant to be and deep down you know that "

Tried to take up her early offer of friendship in the BU last month

Got told "we can't meet its too soon for both of us sorry "

Told my bro she wants me to be happy , wishes me all the best and the reason she can't see me is she is a coward she should have left years ago

Does she really not love or miss me at all  :'(

Do I mean nothing am I extinguished completely  :'(

Feel so low so blue she was everything to me .

Hi Dobie,

I'm really sorry that you're having such a tough time.

She may well miss you. It's very possible to miss someone while recognising that you no longer want to be with them.

I think the other stuff about wishing she'd left you a year ago is hurtful and childish and I would try and ignore it. You're not responsible for her choices, but from what you've written she seems to have given you a fairly clear indication that she wants to move on and she wants you to do the same.

It's clear that you really care about her and I know you feel very sad and you feel hurt by this, but you have no control over her behaviour or her choices.

Imagine if your positions were reversed and you ended the relationship. You told her that you wanted to move on and you wanted her to do same. How would you feel if she wouldn't accept it?

Do you think you should accept what she's telling you?

Many of us have chosen to go NC because we felt it was the best way to heal and move forward. Perhaps when you've detached friendship might be possible, right it might be very painful for both of you.

What do you think?

Reforming

[jhkbuzz]

she is complex this last year or so and the BU just brought out the worst side in her to full force 

No, Dobie, there is no "worst side" - the behaviors you have seen are actually who she is. The totality of who she is includes the good and bad rolled up into one person; just like it does for the rest of us. Her intellect, humor, love, coldness, detached-ness, push, pull, idealize, devalue - it's ALL her, it's who she is.  She's not going to return to a "best side"; you have now seen all of her, both good and bad.

[dobie]

The evidence says no  :'(

Not had contact apart from a xmass text

Ignore most of my emails claimed she never got them

Responded to one with

"I'm sorry I hurt you nothing I can say will make u feel better

Your a great guy with lots to offer and you will meet a girl who loves you and makes you happy we were just not meant to be and deep down you know that "

Tried to take up her early offer of friendship in the BU last month

Got told "we can't meet its too soon for both of us sorry "

Told my bro she wants me to be happy , wishes me all the best and the reason she can't see me is she is a coward she should have left years ago

Does she really not love or miss me at all  :'(

Do I mean nothing am I extinguished completely  :'(

Feel so low so blue she was everything to me .

Hi Dobie,

I'm really sorry that you're having such a tough time.

She may well miss you. It's very possible to miss someone while recognising that you no longer want to be with them.

I think the other stuff about wishing she'd left you a year ago is hurtful and childish and I would try and ignore it. You're not responsible for her choices, but from what you've written she seems to have given you a fairly clear indication that she wants to move on and she wants you to do the same.

It's clear that you really care about her and I know you feel very sad and you feel hurt by this, but you have no control over her behaviour or her choices.

Imagine if your positions were reversed and you ended the relationship. You told her that you wanted to move on and you wanted her to do same. How would you feel if she wouldn't accept it?

Do you think you should accept what she's telling you?

Many of us have chosen to go NC because we felt it was the best way to heal and move forward. Perhaps when you've detached friendship might be possible, right it might be very painful for both of you.

What do you think?

Reforming

Reforming ,

Thanks even you saying that which is the truth and I appreciate it  she does not want me in her life hurts like a spear to my heart .

I have left her alone the only time I tried to make contact you guys know about

Yes I'm hurting I'm confused I'm reeling like I said I've been dumped before I understood it , it made sense I went full nc even when she was trying to see me contact me etc and I was only a pup of 21 my first love

This though well its something else I don't think I loved this girl more than my first love in fact I probably loved my first love more but this BU the deciet the cold brutal way she did it her actions etc etc I'm just well shocked traumatised whatever

I put everything into this blood , sweat , tears , I did everything I could I think that's why it sucks so bad .

Lots of possible cheating flags are coming up as well now when I think back but I was so so secure with this woman I never thought this could or would happen

She will only contact me if and when she needs something so I doubt we will be friends

I have so many ifs and buts so many things I want to say but she had walled up because as she admitted to my bro she is "scared" I.e ashamed to see me

[dobie]

she is complex this last year or so and the BU just brought out the worst side in her to full force 

No, Dobie, there is no "worst side" - the behaviors you have seen are actually who she is. The totality of who she is includes the good and bad rolled up into one person; just like it does for the rest of us. Her intellect, humor, love, coldness, detached-ness, push, pull, idealize, devalue - it's ALL her, it's who she is.  She's not going to return to a "best side"; you have now seen all of her, both good and bad.

This is what for some reason I don't want to see its so painful to think she is all those things jk its like I want it to be an abberation its like for some reason my psyche does not want to look at " Medusa's " face it wants to believe she is really a good kind person with empathy and compassion when she is clearly not or it is limited

[dobie]

Dobie

You're obviously having a tough time getting your head around the magnitude of what she did to you and what she feels about you now. As such you're asking 'nons' to second guess what a pwBPD is thinking. It might be worth taking a look on psychforums or some other message board where pwBPD write about how they are feeling. You might find some answers there that might help you move on.   

FannyByGaslighting

Yes and I know its not all about her per say its more complicated than that its about me as much as her its about my wounds my low self esteem etc

Thanks man will go check out some BPD forums

[dobie]

Hi Dobie,

I'm new to the site, on the "undecided" board for now... .my H and I are seperated for the past 2.5 weeks... .I posted something on that board about "do they actually ccarry out their threats"... .when u get the chance, you will know why I came looking for answers... .so many questions! I can totally relate to how you're feeling! I ask myself if my marriage was a lie, was my love and loyalty taken for granted. He has sent messages that he is "sorry". I ask myself if he feels one shred of regret that he is not doing anything to help himself. I also feel like I don't exist... .ask myself, does he even realise what this condition has caused? Does he not care to atleast try? Sadly, I feel just about worthless now. Like my love meant nothing! Deep down I know he is hurting-he mentioned that many times... .but does he actually KNOW why? At this point, I don't think he knows. So I don't think, in your case, that she is full aware of how much hurting! Just know, you're not alone in your question.

Thanks Chris I'm sorry you are going through this as well   I wish I could say something about what he thinks or feels but I'm stumped when it comes to my own x

[dobie]

Funny I rememberd today a conversation when she was discussing getting her stuff when I reminded her she  told me she had  not loved me for a year and she accused me of making it up she said I was delusional or something to that affect (gas lighting)

[Reforming]

The evidence says no  :'(

Not had contact apart from a xmass text

Ignore most of my emails claimed she never got them

Responded to one with

"I'm sorry I hurt you nothing I can say will make u feel better

Your a great guy with lots to offer and you will meet a girl who loves you and makes you happy we were just not meant to be and deep down you know that "

Tried to take up her early offer of friendship in the BU last month

Got told "we can't meet its too soon for both of us sorry "

Told my bro she wants me to be happy , wishes me all the best and the reason she can't see me is she is a coward she should have left years ago

Does she really not love or miss me at all  :'(

Do I mean nothing am I extinguished completely  :'(

Feel so low so blue she was everything to me .

Hi Dobie,

I'm really sorry that you're having such a tough time.

She may well miss you. It's very possible to miss someone while recognising that you no longer want to be with them.

I think the other stuff about wishing she'd left you a year ago is hurtful and childish and I would try and ignore it. You're not responsible for her choices, but from what you've written she seems to have given you a fairly clear indication that she wants to move on and she wants you to do the same.

It's clear that you really care about her and I know you feel very sad and you feel hurt by this, but you have no control over her behaviour or her choices.

Imagine if your positions were reversed and you ended the relationship. You told her that you wanted to move on and you wanted her to do same. How would you feel if she wouldn't accept it?

Do you think you should accept what she's telling you?

Many of us have chosen to go NC because we felt it was the best way to heal and move forward. Perhaps when you've detached friendship might be possible, right it might be very painful for both of you.

What do you think?

Reforming

Reforming ,

Thanks even you saying that which is the truth and I appreciate it  she does not want me in her life hurts like a spear to my heart .

I have left her alone the only time I tried to make contact you guys know about

Yes I'm hurting I'm confused I'm reeling like I said I've been dumped before I understood it , it made sense I went full nc even when she was trying to see me contact me etc and I was only a pup of 21 my first love

This though well its something else I don't think I loved this girl more than my first love in fact I probably loved my first love more but this BU the deciet the cold brutal way she did it her actions etc etc I'm just well shocked traumatised whatever

I put everything into this blood , sweat , tears , I did everything I could I think that's why it sucks so bad .

Lots of possible cheating flags are coming up as well now when I think back but I was so so secure with this woman I never thought this could or would happen

She will only contact me if and when she needs something so I doubt we will be friends

I have so many ifs and buts so many things I want to say but she had walled up because as she admitted to my bro she is "scared" I.e ashamed to see me

Hi Dobie,

"This though well its something else I don't think I loved this girl more than my first love in fact I probably loved my first love more but this BU the deciet the cold brutal way she did it her actions etc etc I'm just well shocked traumatised whatever

I put everything into this blood , sweat , tears , I did everything I could I think that's why it sucks so bad ."

I think this goes to the heart of what makes these relationships and BU's so difficult. The realisation that the relationship was unbalanced - that we gave too much at the cost of looking after ourselves.

Working out why I did that really helped me to move forward.

We're all here for you

Reforming

[Infared]

You need to move on buddy. I could not let go either... .but she is not with you and not planning to be.  Nothing they do makes any sense. She has a personality disorder. There is no normal.  Not trying to hurt you... .it's a painful process of grieving the loss... .not easy stuff.

[dobie]

You need to move on buddy. I could not let go either... .but she is not with you and not planning to be.  Nothing they do makes any sense. She has a personality disorder. There is no normal.  Not trying to hurt you... .it's a painful process of grieving the loss... .not easy stuff.

Thanks infrared I need to repeats that as my mantra

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER , SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER !

[dobie]

Reforming :


I guess I wanted that infatuation back I wanted that your the most perfect , amazing i didnt want her to leave i was terrified she would leave deep down . I need to stop loving her and start loving me the trouble is I don't know how  :'(

I thought I could make her happy if I did that or that if we got this or that  she would be happy but she wasn't . I retreated I think in the last few years into myself my energy levels were burnt out . I was and am exhausted mentally and emotionally I took very little interest in most things apart from what I thought I had to do to make her happy and keep her with me . I lost myself .


She is not even totally happy now I'm gone .

[Infared]

You need to move on buddy. I could not let go either... .but she is not with you and not planning to be.  Nothing they do makes any sense. She has a personality disorder. There is no normal.  Not trying to hurt you... .it's a painful process of grieving the loss... .not easy stuff.

Thanks infrared I need to repeats that as my mantra

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER , SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER !

Yes... .we keep wanting and hoping for something normal from a very damaged person. The idealization phase (mine was almost 5 years long), was a childish fantasy for them. Infatuation. Nothing adult, deep or real. Just a fantasy to fill their needs. It was not healthy adult love. ... .but we keep hoping it was because it was so wonderful for us.

Very hard to get over when their "little bubble" for us pops! It hurts like hell buddy... .but we have to see our needy part in it... .heal and move forward... .Baby steps is ok... .and healthy... .but move forward we must.

You have to focus on YOU... .not her. That is the past.   

[dobie]

You need to move on buddy. I could not let go either... .but she is not with you and not planning to be.  Nothing they do makes any sense. She has a personality disorder. There is no normal.  Not trying to hurt you... .it's a painful process of grieving the loss... .not easy stuff.

Thanks infrared I need to repeats that as my mantra

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER , SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER !

Yes... .we keep wanting and hoping for something normal from a very damaged person. The idealization phase (mine was almost 5 years long), was a childish fantasy for them. Infatuation. Nothing adult, deep or real. Just a fantasy to fill their needs. It was not healthy adult love. ... .but we keep hoping it was because it was so wonderful for us.

Very hard to get over when their "little bubble" for us pops! It hurts like hell buddy... .but we have to see our needy part in it... .heal and move forward... .Baby steps is ok... .and healthy... .but move forward we must.

That's the rub the infatuation fills what's missing in us its a balm and it feels so strong we can't image our xBPD s/o would ever leave or hurt us it just seems unthinkable and when it starts to wane we don't realise its not coming back it might start and stutter but the trust they had is gone the dream of us is gone and when morning comes they can't move forward to face the dawn so they leave .

[Infared]

You need to move on buddy. I could not let go either... .but she is not with you and not planning to be.  Nothing they do makes any sense. She has a personality disorder. There is no normal.  Not trying to hurt you... .it's a painful process of grieving the loss... .not easy stuff.

Thanks infrared I need to repeats that as my mantra

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER , SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER !

Yes... .we keep wanting and hoping for something normal from a very damaged person. The idealization phase (mine was almost 5 years long), was a childish fantasy for them. Infatuation. Nothing adult, deep or real. Just a fantasy to fill their needs. It was not healthy adult love. ... .but we keep hoping it was because it was so wonderful for us.

Very hard to get over when their "little bubble" for us pops! It hurts like hell buddy... .but we have to see our needy part in it... .heal and move forward... .Baby steps is ok... .and healthy... .but move forward we must.

That's the rub the infatuation fills what's missing in us its a balm and it feels so strong we can't image our xBPD s/o would ever leave or hurt us it just seems unthinkable and when it starts to wane we don't realise its not coming back it might start and stutter but the trust they had is gone the dream of us is gone and when morning comes they can't move forward to face the dawn so they leave .

Hey... .in my case she went out behind my back and got into full-on "new hero" relationship and used that to devalue me. (denying that there was another).

Really sic stuff. She could not be alone for a minute. The discarding of our relationship was extremely abrupt, and 2 weeks before Christmas.  

Only a really sick person does stuff like that.    Normal adults do not.  

... .but... .it still is very, very painful to the non... .and it takes a lot of time to accept the actual truth... .mourn the loss and love you.  It takes time and work. I could not do it alone... .I needed a T, a support group and a lot of hard work to grow... . it is not for the weak.

I have to add... .that having any contact with that person... .ANY... .even through other people... .was poison for me.  There was no explaining the behavior in a rational way and I kept looking for that and it just it not possible.

[dobie]

You need to move on buddy. I could not let go either... .but she is not with you and not planning to be.  Nothing they do makes any sense. She has a personality disorder. There is no normal.  Not trying to hurt you... .it's a painful process of grieving the loss... .not easy stuff.

Thanks infrared I need to repeats that as my mantra

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER , SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER

SHE HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER !

Yes... .we keep wanting and hoping for something normal from a very damaged person. The idealization phase (mine was almost 5 years long), was a childish fantasy for them. Infatuation. Nothing adult, deep or real. Just a fantasy to fill their needs. It was not healthy adult love. ... .but we keep hoping it was because it was so wonderful for us.

Very hard to get over when their "little bubble" for us pops! It hurts like hell buddy... .but we have to see our needy part in it... .heal and move forward... .Baby steps is ok... .and healthy... .but move forward we must.

That's the rub the infatuation fills what's missing in us its a balm and it feels so strong we can't image our xBPD s/o would ever leave or hurt us it just seems unthinkable and when it starts to wane we don't realise its not coming back it might start and stutter but the trust they had is gone the dream of us is gone and when morning comes they can't move forward to face the dawn so they leave .

Hey... .in my case she went out behind my back and got into full-on "new hero" relationship and used that to devalue me. (denying that there was another).

Really sic stuff. She could not be alone for a minute. The discarding of our relationship was extremely abrupt, and 2 weeks before Christmas.  

Only a really sick person does stuff like that.    Normal adults do not.  

... .but... .it still is very, very painful to the non... .and it takes a lot of time to accept the actual truth... .mourn the loss and love you.  It takes time and work. I could not do it alone... .I needed a T, a support group and a lot of hard work to grow... . it is not for the weak.

I have to add... .that having any contact with that person... .ANY... .even through other people... .was poison for me.  There was no explaining the behavior in a rational way and I kept looking for that and it just it not possible.

I'm truly sorry for you infrared I've read your posts and what she did was inhumane bro .

Mines eyes were wandering looking back , she only needs someone for her to soothe could be anyone I'm sure she has a chump she is using to fill her needs and to forget me even further .

I honestly feel like I never knew this person or rather I did but I ignored her less than savoury side .  I'm seeing a T we don't have support groups in the UK that I know off so these boards fill that place  

Its so hard to accept that the person you thought loved you to pieces and would never leave was actually telling you what you wanted to hear while in their head they were thinking otherwise .

It has destroyed my trust completely

[Infared]

yes... .yes... ."my" need allowed me to ignore a bunch of red flags in the beginning.  After the abandonment... .I had to forgive me for not seeing who she really was by previous actions, not what she was telling me... .("I promise to NEVER hurt you, infared"... .etc... .etc... .)... .she would say anything to cement a bond with me for her own abandonment issues.

Yes... .in spite of knowing all of the truth, now... .my trust is so, soo... .soo... .destroyed.  May not get it back... .but I have found that there is a ton of life outside of a relationship... . I hiked 8 mi. yesterday with a buddy of mine... .in a beautiful park that overlooks the ocean ... .all the trees had shoots of spring flying... .everything was so fresh and beautiful... .Spent some time with a photo-friend of mine later in the day and today I am dropping off prints of my photography that  I sell at the historical society in town here... .and I have a full day of carpentry lined up with a helper building mahogany railings for an old victorian house in my town... .  there is plenty for me to live for if I look around... .I do not have to gauge my existence by what woman I am with or what woman needs me.  It is rather freeing!  

Keep moving buddy!

If I make a gratitude list for this 24-hr. period... .it could tend to be quite long!

[Deeno02]

Nope. Mine could care less of my existence. Shes done what she needed to do. Her kids wont talk to me, other Volleyball parents wont sit near me, so no. She doesnt miss anything about me. Im another mean guy

[valet]

Yeah, personally I don't think that my ex 'misses' me, per se. She has been very responsive to the contact efforts that I've made thus far, however.

I don't really miss her, to be honest.

To be fair, I generally don't miss anyone, not really even my closest friends. That doesn't mean that I forget about them, just not that I'm going to agonize over something that is silly to be bothered about. No one is going anywhere, especially not my good pals. I'd rather enjoy the present moment.

[dobie]

yes... .yes... ."my" need allowed me to ignore a bunch of red flags in the beginning.  After the abandonment... .I had to forgive me for not seeing who she really was by previous actions, not what she was telling me... .("I promise to NEVER hurt you, infared"... .etc... .etc... .)... .she would say anything to cement a bond with me for her own abandonment issues.

Yes... .in spite of knowing all of the truth, now... .my trust is so, soo... .soo... .destroyed.  May not get it back... .but I have found that there is a ton of life outside of a relationship... . I hiked 8 mi. yesterday with a buddy of mine... .in a beautiful park that overlooks the ocean ... .all the trees had shoots of spring flying... .everything was so fresh and beautiful... .Spent some time with a photo-friend of mine later in the day and today I am dropping off prints of my photography that  I sell at the historical society in town here... .and I have a full day of carpentry lined up with a helper building mahogany railings for an old victorian house in my town... .  there is plenty for me to live for if I look around... .I do not have to gauge my existence by what woman I am with or what woman needs me.  It is rather freeing!  

Keep moving buddy!

If I make a gratitude list for this 24-hr. period... .it could tend to be quite long!

Man I long for that freedom ! I'm going to start back in the gym soon need to find plenty of hobbies to keep me busy , I think that's the problem I have nothing to fill my time with but ruminations .

Funny another thing hit me today and that's she used to get very irritable if I had to go away for work or to see family for more than a day it was like she could not cope without me bring near by (object permamance )

Her need to rage , pick fights now are her engulfment fears so she could get space

Her worries I did not smile when I picked her up , her worry about me not keeping my job to pay the mortgage or we would break up in the future so she wanted a pre nupp , her paranoid thoughts on my day off I might be screwing other girls . her coming of the joint bank account to see what monies I had spent (worry is was other girls )

Her irritation I went for drinks with my old female boss after work and her fear I fancied her .

Man I can start to really see the pieces coming into play now of the jigsaw .

[DyingLove]

I do not know the answer to this question.  I don't even think that I want to think about it (regarding myself).

What I would like to believe is this:  If she misses me, why isn't she calling or emailing or at my door or using her "smarts" to figure out how to reach me?

Sometimes I just want to forget the BPD, I don't wanna think about the twist that it puts on the ball.  I want to see her as a normal woman.  She acted, for the most part, like a normal woman and she approached me like a normal woman. So why shouldn't I continue to see her as such?

We all make mistakes, right? But a pwBPD will hold that mistake over our head forever. Do we hold BPD over their heads the same way?  I think we try to be sympathetic to the illness, but are they sympathetic to our mistakes? Probably not.

So if she didn't have BPD and acted identically to what has happened, how would I react? What would I say?  Would I just say she was a jerk or something? Would getting over them be easier?

[Infared]

yes... .yes... ."my" need allowed me to ignore a bunch of red flags in the beginning.  After the abandonment... .I had to forgive me for not seeing who she really was by previous actions, not what she was telling me... .("I promise to NEVER hurt you, infared"... .etc... .etc... .)... .she would say anything to cement a bond with me for her own abandonment issues.

Yes... .in spite of knowing all of the truth, now... .my trust is so, soo... .soo... .destroyed.  May not get it back... .but I have found that there is a ton of life outside of a relationship... . I hiked 8 mi. yesterday with a buddy of mine... .in a beautiful park that overlooks the ocean ... .all the trees had shoots of spring flying... .everything was so fresh and beautiful... .Spent some time with a photo-friend of mine later in the day and today I am dropping off prints of my photography that  I sell at the historical society in town here... .and I have a full day of carpentry lined up with a helper building mahogany railings for an old victorian house in my town... .  there is plenty for me to live for if I look around... .I do not have to gauge my existence by what woman I am with or what woman needs me.  It is rather freeing!  

Keep moving buddy!

If I make a gratitude list for this 24-hr. period... .it could tend to be quite long!

Man I long for that freedom ! I'm going to start back in the gym soon need to find plenty of hobbies to keep me busy , I think that's the problem I have nothing to fill my time with but ruminations .

Funny another thing hit me today and that's she used to get very irritable if I had to go away for work or to see family for more than a day it was like she could not cope without me bring near by (object permamance )

Her need to rage , pick fights now are her engulfment fears so she could get space

Her worries I did not smile when I picked her up , her worry about me not keeping my job to pay the mortgage or we would break up in the future so she wanted a pre nupp , her paranoid thoughts on my day off I might be screwing other girls . her coming of the joint bank account to see what monies I had spent (worry is was other girls )

Her irritation I went for drinks with my old female boss after work and her fear I fancied her .

Man I can start to really see the pieces coming into play now of the jigsaw .

Dobie... .no... .no... .I said gratitude list... .not renumeration list... .LMAOFOTF... .    

This is what we MUST do to move away from... .try to fill our time with new positive actions, people, etc... .etc... .Recognize what WE have... .all by ourselves... .I have had all this time to pursue my photography with no guilt trip. I miraculously got a print in the permanent collection of the Museum of the City of New York.  My image was in the Wall Street Journal, Charlie Rose, front and center homepage of Yahoo news... .etc... .etc... .etc... .What a joy... .did I think about sharing my joy with her... .yes... .but it is her loss... .all her.  We can do great things in life all on our own.  We can surprise ourselves.

I have all my new work in a gallery in another town... .(my exwife lives in that town... .years past relationship, ugly divorce... .she ran off with a doctor... .not my BPD)... .the other day I brought some work there and was talking to the proprietor and I said out loud... ." I wonder if my exwife ever comes in here... .she lives in this town"... .The proprietor got a little smirk on her face... .and I said... ."What? WHat?"... .and she said that my ex saw the work in the window... .knew it was mine and it drew her into the gallery... .LOL!... .she asked the proprietor not to tell her that she comes in there to me. (more games... .LOL)... .I have not talked to my exwife in years... .and years... .and years... .and look what a positive light she came to find me in again... .she knows I kept shooting.  She always loved my work.  Kindof cool. Huh? The former governor of my state bought one of my prints just recently.  Cool stuff that I am so, so grateful about!  The joy of life, stuff. 

Right now... .stop what you are doing an make a gratitude list... .look around you... .there our so many that do not have simple things that we take for granted everyday in our lives.  There is life after that partner of yours... .GO MAKE IT!  (I am saying that for me, too!)... .

I needed perspective... .and I can find it if I look... .it helped me with the pain of my loss.  I still feel it... .every day... .but it deminishes... .gradually.

I loved her... .(my BPD)... .but I am not defined by her.

[DyingLove]

Nicely put Infared!  I like it!

[dobie]

I do not know the answer to this question.  I don't even think that I want to think about it (regarding myself).

What I would like to believe is this:  If she misses me, why isn't she calling or emailing or at my door or using her "smarts" to figure out how to reach me?

Sometimes I just want to forget the BPD, I don't wanna think about the twist that it puts on the ball.  I want to see her as a normal woman.  She acted, for the most part, like a normal woman and she approached me like a normal woman. So why shouldn't I continue to see her as such?

We all make mistakes, right? But a pwBPD will hold that mistake over our head forever. Do we hold BPD over their heads the same way?  I think we try to be sympathetic to the illness, but are they sympathetic to our mistakes? Probably not.

So if she didn't have BPD and acted identically to what has happened, how would I react? What would I say?  Would I just say she was a jerk or something? Would getting over them be easier?

Mine is truly evil BPD or not I won't forget or forgive when my dad was critically I'll she was crying because she was worried it would ruin her holiday  

I think what's bothering me the most is what a fool I've been , making excuses for her having her hood wink me , use , manipulate discard , devalue and try and destroy me

I  feel like such a total idiot , I feel hurt and stupid and annoyed she is not meeting some cosmic justice

[dobie]

yes... .yes... ."my" need allowed me to ignore a bunch of red flags in the beginning.  After the abandonment... .I had to forgive me for not seeing who she really was by previous actions, not what she was telling me... .("I promise to NEVER hurt you, infared"... .etc... .etc... .)... .she would say anything to cement a bond with me for her own abandonment issues.

Yes... .in spite of knowing all of the truth, now... .my trust is so, soo... .soo... .destroyed.  May not get it back... .but I have found that there is a ton of life outside of a relationship... . I hiked 8 mi. yesterday with a buddy of mine... .in a beautiful park that overlooks the ocean ... .all the trees had shoots of spring flying... .everything was so fresh and beautiful... .Spent some time with a photo-friend of mine later in the day and today I am dropping off prints of my photography that  I sell at the historical society in town here... .and I have a full day of carpentry lined up with a helper building mahogany railings for an old victorian house in my town... .  there is plenty for me to live for if I look around... .I do not have to gauge my existence by what woman I am with or what woman needs me.  It is rather freeing!  

Keep moving buddy!

If I make a gratitude list for this 24-hr. period... .it could tend to be quite long!

Man I long for that freedom ! I'm going to start back in the gym soon need to find plenty of hobbies to keep me busy , I think that's the problem I have nothing to fill my time with but ruminations .

Funny another thing hit me today and that's she used to get very irritable if I had to go away for work or to see family for more than a day it was like she could not cope without me bring near by (object permamance )

Her need to rage , pick fights now are her engulfment fears so she could get space

Her worries I did not smile when I picked her up , her worry about me not keeping my job to pay the mortgage or we would break up in the future so she wanted a pre nupp , her paranoid thoughts on my day off I might be screwing other girls . her coming of the joint bank account to see what monies I had spent (worry is was other girls )

Her irritation I went for drinks with my old female boss after work and her fear I fancied her .

Man I can start to really see the pieces coming into play now of the jigsaw .

Dobie... .no... .no... .I said gratitude list... .not renumeration list... .LMAOFOTF... .    

This is what we MUST do to move away from... .try to fill our time with new positive actions, people, etc... .etc... .Recognize what WE have... .all by ourselves... .I have had all this time to pursue my photography with no guilt trip. I miraculously got a print in the permanent collection of the Museum of the City of New York.  My image was in the Wall Street Journal, Charlie Rose, front and center homepage of Yahoo news... .etc... .etc... .etc... .What a joy... .did I think about sharing my joy with her... .yes... .but it is her loss... .all her.  We can do great things in life all on our own.  We can surprise ourselves.

I have all my new work in a gallery in another town... .(my exwife lives in that town... .years past relationship, ugly divorce... .she ran off with a doctor... .not my BPD)... .the other day I brought some work there and was talking to the proprietor and I said out loud... ." I wonder if my exwife ever comes in here... .she lives in this town"... .The proprietor got a little smirk on her face... .and I said... ."What? WHat?"... .and she said that my ex saw the work in the window... .knew it was mine and it drew her into the gallery... .LOL!... .she asked the proprietor not to tell her that she comes in there to me. (more games... .LOL)... .I have not talked to my exwife in years... .and years... .and years... .and look what a positive light she came to find me in again... .she knows I kept shooting.  She always loved my work.  Kindof cool. Huh? The former governor of my state bought one of my prints just recently.  Cool stuff that I am so, so grateful about!  The joy of life, stuff.  

Right now... .stop what you are doing an make a gratitude list... .look around you... .there our so many that do not have simple things that we take for granted everyday in our lives.  There is life after that partner of yours... .GO MAKE IT!  (I am saying that for me, too!)... .

I needed perspective... .and I can find it if I look... .it helped me with the pain of my loss.  I still feel it... .every day... .but it deminishes... .gradually.

I loved her... .(my BPD)... .but I am not defined by her.

That's awesome man I'm made up for you those are some things to really be proud of infrared !  

[Trog]

she is complex this last year or so and the BU just brought out the worst side in her to full force 

No, Dobie, there is no "worst side" - the behaviors you have seen are actually who she is. The totality of who she is includes the good and bad rolled up into one person; just like it does for the rest of us. Her intellect, humor, love, coldness, detached-ness, push, pull, idealize, devalue - it's ALL her, it's who she is.  She's not going to return to a "best side"; you have now seen all of her, both good and bad.

This is the rub. And its also true of us nons who are far from perfect. If I could take the good only of my ex-wife I'd be there is a heartbeat and in my heart of hearts, I know she wishes the same about me, her list of "if-onlys" about me would be as long as your arm but she comes with the negatives which were just too much to take, I tried to turn my cheek to the bad but I wasn't accepting her as a whole, real person. In reality, it could be said that I didn't really love her, I loved the side of her I liked and rejected huge elements of her personality. Some of those elements I can't imagine anybody loving, but some of them perhaps a better suited person really would and so she needs to go be with them and I need to be with a person whom I have respect for, not merely tolerate whilst idolising and talking up the rare things I did like.

Unfortunately I really liked the sex, which kept me there far too long, if I'd liked the cooking we'd never have got to the marriage phase.   But seriously Dobie, in the end, BPD or not, she has, sadly and painfully, rejected you, wonderful you, unique you, a you that is much better suited to someone else. I know the heart wants strange things sometimes but you need to take some steps to regain your self-esteem, craving and lolling around after someone who doesn't want you is soul destroying AND unattractive to the other person so utterly defeatist. The sooner you can turn some of your thinking away from her and how she feels (who cares! seriously!) and onto you and your life and all the good you can be, the happier you are going to be. I know your pain Dobie take active physical steps now to rebuild yourself.