Recovering from Dump and Run

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

I'm brand new to this board, but I have been visiting for a while and learning so much about this disorder that I am most certain affects my ex. I've found comfort in realizing that I am not alone in my suffering, wondering why someone I was SO close to for almost five years would suddenly dump me (via text!) and vanish without discussion.

Needless to say the pain has been excruciating and the questions in my mind leave me completely dumbfounded. (It has been two months now with no contact and the pain is still raw, even though I am trying my hardest to move on.)

One of the things I wonder most is why he would snap and run off like a coward when things were better than ever between us. Is this "common"?

(I must add here that he had just prior "lost" his son when his ex-wife moved across country, so he was grieving that situation. Still... .)

[Everlong]

Hi everyone,

I'm brand new to this board, but I have been visiting for a while and learning so much about this disorder that I am most certain affects my ex. I've found comfort in realizing that I am not alone in my suffering, wondering why someone I was SO close to for almost five years would suddenly dump me (via text!) and vanish without discussion.

Needless to say the pain has been excruciating and the questions in my mind leave me completely dumbfounded. (It has been two months now with no contact and the pain is still raw, even though I am trying my hardest to move on.)

One of the things I wonder most is why he would snap and run off like a coward when things were better than ever between us. Is this "common"?

(I must add here that he had just prior "lost" his son when his ex-wife moved across country, so he was grieving that situation. Still... .)

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hi everyone,

I'm brand new to this board, but I have been visiting for a while and learning so much about this disorder that I am most certain affects my ex. I've found comfort in realizing that I am not alone in my suffering, wondering why someone I was SO close to for almost five years would suddenly dump me (via text!) and vanish without discussion.

Needless to say the pain has been excruciating and the questions in my mind leave me completely dumbfounded. (It has been two months now with no contact and the pain is still raw, even though I am trying my hardest to move on.)

One of the things I wonder most is why he would snap and run off like a coward when things were better than ever between us. Is this "common"?

(I must add here that he had just prior "lost" his son when his ex-wife moved across country, so he was grieving that situation. Still... .)

My uBPDexgf of 9.5 years "up & ran" too. We haven't spoken since late Nov via email. She ended our relationship via a typed note in my birthday card. Told me that a custody case had been "life-altering" and that she had been going out with men during the summer. (We were a lesbian couple, didn't live together, she had been married for 10 years and divorced for that long and with me). She faded away. Somehow she must have thought I wouldn't notice that might gf who I spoke with everyday for 10 years just disappeared. And there has been absolutely no discussion about any of this.

So yes, it happens, I don't know why it happens, and I can't understand how she could be so cowardly. We didn't have a contentious relationship, we didn't fight, we didn't argue, we agreed on many things, and we were quite compatible. I cannot to this minute tell you why my gf of 9.5 years all of a sudden decided she needed to be in a relationship with a stranger. And what I really can't tell you is why she never felt like if she was having thoughts of needing to leave, that she couldn't talk to me about it. We talked about everything with one another.

You can read my posts to see my experience. I didn't know she was BPD, she certainly isn't diagnosed. She is also very high functioning, and she's a therapist. I just know that she has many of the traits, and that her behavior since she has pulled this makes me mostly convinced that she suffers from some sort of disorder. I'm sorry you're here, and I hope it gets better for you. It's been 8 months for me and I don't feel that much better than I did in December.

[Everlong]

Hi Shadow, and thank you for your kind reply.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Cowardly is exactly how to describe being blind-sided like we both were. And it's that lack of empathy that I simply don't understand.

Perhaps that is why it's so hard to get over - the fact that people like us would never fathom treating someone else that way, while someone with BPD can walk away without a second thought.

Perhaps it's all the lingering questions that keep us stuck marching in place. (... .well, that and the wondering if and when he/she might possibly reappear.)

[once removed]

"One of the things I wonder most is why he would snap and run off like a coward when things were better than ever between us. Is this "common"?"

several members report being abandoned during an upswing in the relationship. im one of them. the last time i saw my ex she was telling me she had fallen in love with me all over again.

i was ultimately able to answer "why" this dynamic for myself and you will too. i dont know your situation, but "

(I must add here that he had just prior "lost" his son when his ex-wife moved across country, so he was grieving that situation. Still... .)" this is a pretty big "still".

at two months it can feel kinda like both a life time and a mere day. the pain is unspeakably raw. hang in there, take care of yourself, keep posting. no youre not alone

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are enduring this... .this kind of treatment by someone that you love and care deeply for is difficult to cope with... .rest assured that if he was a BPD, it was nothing that you did or nothing that you could have done differently to have avoided this.

The fear of intimacy is fundamental to this disorder. Although BPD's want it desperately, when they come close to achieving it they react in mostly unproductive ways like your pdBPD has. Its something that they never knew and like an appliance that short circuits, so does their system. Mine dumped me via text after having moved into my house 3 weeks prior while I was out of town. She blocked me from every imaginable way to contact her. That was 7 months ago and I have not heard a word from her. We had just ordered our wedding rings and things were going exceedingly well... .we NEVER argued or even disagreed too much. She never raged.

I am certain that you will come across many stories like mine and similar to yours on this site. This is what they do... .and it is sad since they have in front of them the very thing that they long for the most and then they kill it. He very likely did what he did precisely because things were good between you both; he had achieved intimacy and it freaked him out.

[Achaya]

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation and still hurting from it. I am just 3 weeks post BU.

I wonder a lot if my ex was just bored when she dumped me. She left a little note for me to find. No warning. I thought we had been "getting along" but our relationship had no intensity or drama in it anymore. It had settled into the routine that couples get into at around 4 years. We had been through many breakup/makeup cycles, but right before the final dumping, we had not been in conflict for a while. Earlier in our relationship we talked after the reconciliations about the issues that led to breakups and we were both impressed with our ability to resolve conflicts. Later, the breakups took on more of a final feeling to them, and during the last 2 years, I had stopped counting on a future together. I knew she had one foot out the door and the second would follow in the not too distant future.

When I look back on the relationship, with rose-colored glasses off, I see how it got absorbed over time into the unhealthy dynamics associated with the interaction of my stuff and hers. The darkness of our dysfunctions overpowered the light of our strengths and our love. At least that's how I see it at this moment. I think my ex reacted to the deadness that had taken over our relationship and ejected herself.

[Everlong]

I noticed the common theme here is how well things were going before the breakup.

Often, I found the rants so ludicrous that I'd either ignore or diffuse them in order to keep the peace. But now I wonder if that played a part in him leaving. In other words, did he crave the conflict so much that it drove him away when I refused to engage?   Is fighting a way for them to decompress?

[JRT]

I think, that in least in the case of my ex, that chaos was a return to normalcy - not necessarily decompression.

Like with many things that I experienced both pre and post r/s, I have found small clues and have been left to interpret their meaning and relation to the overall picture. One day, my teen-aged daughter and her GF did something that could have resulted in a disaster; it was a huge violation of trust and rules. I spoke to her over the phone and it was one of the times every one or two years that I really blew my top.

My ex was in the room listening to the call. Embarrassed, I apologized to her for losing my cool and asked if it was at all concerning or frightening. As calmly as I have ever seen her, she explained that in the entire scope of things that it was normal according to how things went at her house growing up; this was NORMAL for her. What was not normal for her was an environment where she was loved unconditionally, respected, discussed problems to find solutions and common ground, etc. THAT environment, I gathered is foreign to the extent that it is frightening to her - a close and intimate relationship.

[Everlong]

Wow, that is a VERY good observation. I think you are onto something in that they feel more comfortable with the chaos and actually seek it out because it's "normal" to them.

What's ironic is no matter how much he craved fighting over everything ELSE under the sun, he sure hauled tail and AVOIDED it when it came to breaking up! 

[JRT]

I really believe that.

In college I ran across this quote when studying music; it applies very universally i the life of ANY individual I think:

"Preference is given to the familiar. Choice is made on the basis of of conditioning."

Considering my ex, normal is what she lived and experienced at home. She was conditioned for 365 days a year for 18 years. 

[myself]

I agree, love and trust and reciprocity may not be comfortable for them.

My now-ex often spoke of how her dreams were coming true with me.

But when it was happening, she also ran as far and as fast as she could.

It's as if the storm outside needs to match the storm inside.

I saw it many many times with her. No problems? Create them.

(We were also doing about the best we ever had when she split forever.)

How to recover from this? Accept it for what it is.

For who they are. For who you are. For what your life can still become.

Understand as much as you can, without fighting it, while letting go.

[Tay25]

My best guess would be because pwBPD fear intimacy, he probably got scared that the relationship was going to become more serious. Think about it, during the relationship was he constantly starting arguments/fights after close intimate moments?

[once removed]

"I noticed the common theme here is how well things were going before the breakup."

frankly thats only how it appeared to me at the time. we actually hadnt seen each other much before that night. not only was the next person being lined up during this, but pwBPD struggle with object constancy. thats partly why the expression of "ive fallen in love with you all over again." i was there in front of her again. i was present and for that moment i was painted white.

theres always a lot going on underneath the surface.