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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: What would have hurt you more...  (Read 370 times)
FannyB
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« on: May 08, 2015, 01:50:58 PM »

Doing a bit of random musing on what would have happened if my ex had met with an untimely end during the idealization phase of our relationship. Obviously, I would have felt at that time that I'd had lost the 'love of my life' and would have been devastated. However, I don't know if it would have been more or less traumatic than going through the devaluation phase and subsequent OTT mindfcuking that characterizes the end of a BPD relationship?

Any thoughts guys?  
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Achaya
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« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2015, 01:56:42 PM »

I've had the same thought. One answer is that I don't like feeling like death and abandonment by my partner are the only options. Second answer is that, if she had died while the relationship was good, I wouldn't be feeling worthless.
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FannyB
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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2015, 02:21:19 AM »

Achaya

I agree that if she'd 'gone' during idealization then you would have been spared feelings of worthlessness. However, you would have spent the rest of your life bemoaning the loss of a 'perfect' partner who didn't really exist. However tough it is, I would rather experience the painful sensations associated with learning the truth about borderlines and their behavioural patterns -as that is the reality of having loved someone with BPD.
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Trog
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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2015, 07:26:16 AM »

I'd rather this. My ex, as painful as it was, held up a mirror to me and was the catalyst in my effort to understand myself & relationships in general, not just BPD. She broke me but I needed to be broken. Had she died while still in idealisation I'd have learnt nothing and be inconsolable. I hope she lives a long & fruitful life... .in Australia preferably
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going places
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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2015, 08:10:31 AM »

It took a long time (several months) for me to STOP ruminating, musing, marinading, thinking about the 'what if's"... .

But once I did... .once I figured out that when a 'thought' of him came into my head, I immediately replaced it with something that was Positive, True, Future minded, Healthy, Me focused, etc... .

I found that I could 'see' more clearly, think more independently, and heal.

Looking out the 'windshield' of the future, and not looking into the 'rear view mirror' of the past has helped me heal.

The LESS I think about him, anything to do with him, the past... .etc.

The more I can focus on the good in my future.

That's where I am headed!
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Infared
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« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2015, 08:41:14 AM »

I need to say that I do not wish my ex any ill will... .but definitely death would have been much easier for me to cope with if I am being entirely honest.

If she had died I would not of had to endure being devalued while I was grieving one of the biggest losses in my life.  I still have trouble grasping the behavior. I know it's was mental illness, but damn... .I have never been through anything like that.
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FannyB
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« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2015, 09:26:46 AM »

Excerpt
It took a long time (several months) for me to STOP ruminating, musing, marinading, thinking about the 'what if's"... .

Going Places

I appreciate the sentiment. However, a bit like when pulling out from a layby, sometimes you have to look back in order to move forward!  Smiling (click to insert in post) I am not obsessed with my ex, but am fascinated with the disorder itself and like to rationalize the hopelessness of a BPD relationship as that helps me move on and not want her back.
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Achaya
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« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2015, 10:28:44 AM »

Excerpt
It took a long time (several months) for me to STOP ruminating, musing, marinading, thinking about the 'what if's"... .

Going Places

I appreciate the sentiment. However, a bit like when pulling out from a layby, sometimes you have to look back in order to move forward!  Smiling (click to insert in post) I am not obsessed with my ex, but am fascinated with the disorder itself and like to rationalize the hopelessness of a BPD relationship as that helps me move on and not want her back.

FannyB, I share this sentiment, and have found it helpful to learn more about the relating pattern associated with the disorder. Neither my ex nor I knew that the off/on relating was part of the BPD diagnosis. It helps me a lot to know that my ex couldn't do any better in our relationship than she did. I do believe she wanted our relationship to work out, at least she did in the beginning and occasionally after that, up to the end. She is an ethical person, not at all sociopathic like some of the other former partners described by people on this board. She ditched me for her own reasons, but the relationship did have to be ended for my sake as well. Her attachment behavior is abnormal, and it was traumatic for me to be on the receiving end of it. Based on what I have read, I now believe she will have to apply herself to a lot of hard work if she wants to achieve better consistency and stability in her sense of self, and until she does this she probably won't be able to sustain an intimate relationship.
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Popcorn71
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« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2015, 11:01:20 AM »

I think that death would have been less painful due to the devaluation and feeling so used and conned.  But I think in the long run, being dumped will turn out to be better.

If he had died, I would not have known the truth about him.  I would have spent the rest of my life thinking I had had the best man I would ever get and I expect it would have been hard for any man to ever measure up to him in the future.  I would have been comparing any new man to an impossible perfect dream man.

Now, I know what my ex was really like and although it was a very painful lesson to learn, I know I am better off without him.  I can now face the future with an open mind.  Any man I meet now will have a chance to impress me.  After all, compared to my ex, any man will be an improvement - they certainly couldn't be worse!
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2015, 12:26:03 PM »

Very interesting question... .

If my "wife" had died during the idealization phase I wouldn't of received the future physical injuries that were caused by her.  

I got to find out who she really is though. Was it worth it? ... .No, but I prefer to know the real truth behind the word that came out of her mouth called "love".

She will never again have one second of my time.
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FannyB
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« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2015, 05:33:16 PM »

My ex told me during idealization that if anything happened to me she would buy another cat and name him after me and never love again! So I do wonder how a BPD would cope if we had died during the honeymoon period when they loved us intensely and hadn't had the chance to devalue us! 
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