It has been a while since I posted here and I am happy to say that is not because I have recycled
... .like in the past.
Been about 3 months of NC. There have been good days. The month of March was generally good. I stayed active and social and of course overworked in my job.
Since April it has been getting more difficult. Part of the difficulty comes from awareness of how the 4 year r/s took me (and my family) down. There are a lot of things about myself I just don't like right now and am not sure how that will be handled. 90 days out is about the time when her/I would often begin some contact or recylcle. I imagine it is similiar to an narcotics addict who has been clean for a while and then reminders or temptations sneak up on them.
Thankfully... .my level of dislike for her or her behavior is at an almost all time high. If she contacted me I would not mince words and I think she knows that. I am a little concerned because in my life through it all I have never disliked somebody so much... .almost like a hatred. Have always been a forgiving person and have not experienced this. Even after my first wife cheated on me and I divorced her I gave up hard feelings about what she had done to me relatively quickly. I don't want to be bitter but wow it is hard for me to just let go of what my exBPDgf was all about.
In the past... .after every breakup I still had a level of compassion for her and her disease. Now I have zilch. Not sure if that is healthy.
With my work schedule recently it has been a little tough to get out and do anything fun. I went to an mlb game over the weekend with my son which was nice. I am a musician but for 2 months I have barely touched my instruments (although late last night was able to jam on my electronic drum kit to some old school hip hop and enjoyed it... .first time in weeks). Plenty of work to keep me busy but not much of what others would call a life.
I have let a few people down over various things... .nothing major but not like me. I feel like my character has changed after being with her and find myself occasionally saying or doing what i need to to survive. I take that as residue from the r/s and usually feel terrible afterward... .but am aware and trying to keep myself in check.
So there we are. Still muddling along and taking it one day at a time.
Some positives:
Still NC, none, zilch, zero, blocked on FB. nada.
New technology hobby - no big deal to some but I updgraded my smart phone after they were stolen to a samsung note 4 (not piching anything) and have been mildly obsessed with the business and personal applications.
Learned some merengue dancing.
Gone on some crappy dates... .made one new friend out of it.
Had medical exam - all good.
Not giving up on learning Spanish... .made a litle progress.
Some goals:
Get off my butt. During this 30 day or so rough stretch and because my job has required too much desk work I have not been working out like before.
Stop the mailaise. Just been depressed recently. Had some dreams about the ex over a period of a few days which is always annoying and can wake up in a sad mood. Got to get out of that depressive mode.
Well that is my report for better or worse. Hope it is helpful or informative. Thank you for all of what you do here.
