Today, my BPDxbf happened to be in town when I was. I saw him from the coffee shop where I was writing my journal and crying over the demise of our relationship. I wanted to run after him and throw myself at him, but I stopped myself. What would I say: "Tell me you love me!"? Of course not, but I wanted to. I so wish things were not as they are. Anyway, it seemed more likely that I'd end up standing there in an awkward silence. So, I just sat and watched him disappearing into shops and then reappearing elsewhere for about half an hour. Eventually, the urge got the better of me and I went to find him. I couldn't. I thought he'd gone. So, I went to get my bus. Just as the bus drew up, my BPDxbf appeared next to me, smiling and looking happy. I wanted to throw myself into his arms. I didn't. I did ask if I could take a liberty and when he said 'yes', I kissed him on the cheek. Two minutes later, the bus started boarding and I kissed him again and got on. You see, we split up by text. I didn't get to see him. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't even get an explanation. I thought we were working a problem through and then all of a sudden, he switched and told me he didn't want to see me anymore. I have no idea what triggered him or why he was upset.
Things have been up and down for the past two months. We've split up three times and had at least twice that number of disagreements which threatened to end the same way. It has been awful. I have blamed myself and had such regrets wishing somehow I could make it better. Instead, I have tried to focus upon my healing, because I know that's the only thing that I can control. I have been up and down emotionally, or perhaps down and further down emotionally is nearer the truth. It has been a terribly painful time for me, yet my BPDxbf seems happy. His attitude is look to the future to get by. Beats me how he can turn his back on me so easily after everything that happened between us, but I've read enough to know that BPD is like that. I so wish this wasn't my reality... .
Here's the rub of my post though, I don't feel good enough to be loved, even by someone as damaged as my BPDxbf. I don't feel lovable and I doubt whether I will ever find someone who does love me. I have asperger's syndrome. Women with AS often end up with men who have AS. I've done that (I was married to a man with AS for 15 years) and know how barren such a relationship is. I don't want that again, but I have this deep seated doubt that no-one who is neurotypical (doesn't have AS) will ever want to be with me because of the problems my AS brings to the relationship. I fear that I will never love and be loved and I'll always be on my own. I hate having AS. It feels like a life sentence with no parole for good behaviour. I feel I am sentenced to misery and isolation. I can't do social things very well, I can't deal with emotions or relationships very well and yet I need to give love and receive love just as much as the next person. Everything seems so very unfair. I didn't ask for this disability, but I have to live with it and it looks like I will have to live with it alone.
As you can probably tell, I'm not having a very good day today... .
Lifewriter
First of all Hugs... .I'm so sorry you are going through such a horrible day. I wish I could actually give you a hug.
It's so painful to have these kinds of thoughts, to go through so much emotional distress in one day. It must be so much harder because you live in an area where you're likely to see you BPDexbf and those feelings just get re-triggered constantly.
Of course, you do have to focus on healing yourself. That takes a lot of time, though. And it's rarely an easy process.
I know you blame yourself and want to take on the responsibility of things not being better, but you know well you don't really have that power. You invested yourself so much in the relationship and all you got was a sh**ty text message. No real closure. It's hard to understand how someone could let go so quickly, swing a wrecking ball at what you built in your relationship and leave you to pick up all the rubble.
Is there anyone you could reach out to in moments like that? Have a cup of coffee, go to the movies? A sense of normalcy can be very helpful.
I can assure you, that you are very loveable, and so many people, including myself can relate to those thoughts and feelings. They are perfectly normal, but so incredibly sad. Your ex was very damaged, and sometimes those aspects can overlap onto you, but it's really not your fault. You can't change him. You can only change yourself. Remind yourself why you are worthwhile. Write down a physical list of qualities that you have that genuinely affect those around you positively. May it be your sense of humour or perhaps your interests and hobbies, your unique way of seeing the world. I assure you, you do affect people positively. You just have to dig those things up to remind yourself.
The AS part is definitely the toughest. It makes relating to people so very difficult, but you know, you have such a special way way of looking at life that there's definitely people out there that would benefit from both your friendship and your romantic potential. You shouldn't have to settle for a barren relationship. Focus on enjoying your life for now. Try your best to let go of the past. Perhaps do it through talking it out.
Of course you need love. You just express it differently, but you are most definitely not alone. If it helps, post here, or join a chat of some sort with your similar interests. You will find love of all sorts, not necessarily always romantic, but don't give up over a bad day. Those come and go, but your personality and desire for love are something wonderful and should be shared with the world.
I'm so sorry you're going through this today, and I wish I could be more helpful.
Hang in there. You're not alone.
