injustice

[dobie]

Since my x udiagBPDfiance blind sided me and left me in the poop I've been left to pick up the pieces of my life both emotionally , mentally and financially

Some days are so hard I can barely function without drinking

While my life is left shattered she is enjoying her great new job , new friends and various vacations

Does anyone else just feel a burning sense of injustice from the end of your r/s ? I feel like gum on a shoe that has been picked off and thrown away  

Any tips or things that worked for you ? When you hit rock bottom ?

[LonelyChild]

Trust me: She's not enjoying anything. She's putting on an act to try and stifle the internal pain that she has. It might work for a while.

[dobie]

Trust me: She's not enjoying anything. She's putting on an act to try and stifle the internal pain that she has. It might work for a while.

she is happier than me that's for sure , if she was that miserable she would be knocking on my door . Been seven months and she has not regretted her desicion once .

she has everything now six figure salary , friends probably a new supply , new house , holidays

and she can be as selfish as she wants I've never seen her happier in photos

[zundertowz]

Trust me: She's not enjoying anything. She's putting on an act to try and stifle the internal pain that she has. It might work for a while.

she is happier than me that's for sure , if she was that miserable she would be knocking on my door . Been seven months and she has not regretted her desicion once .

she has everything now six figure salary , friends probably a new supply , new house , holidays

and she can be as selfish as she wants I've never seen her happier in photos

The truth is she probably is happy or dulleting herself she is happy if she is in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship... .but it wont last she will most likely repeat this behaviour for the rest of her life until she spirals out of control in her later years and will be miserable and alone.  You have to think about the future... .she has no chance of living a happy peaceful life... .but you do.  During my 3 year r/s with my ex she had very few happy memorable moments in her life... .everything was memories of people wronging her and how she was a victim... .at 36 I doubt she is gonna find her prince charming and live happily ever after.

[going places]

Any tips or things that worked for you ? When you hit rock bottom ?

Justice Queen here.

It used to CONSUME me... .how unfair it was that he got all the breaks.

He could just crap all over people, and they just looked the other way.

He could use people, and no one cared.

He lied to people, stole from them, flaked out on them; no consequences.

He got all the lucky breaks, lucky bounces, good calls... .

When *I* hit rock bottom, I looked "Up".

I told the Lord "I am sick of feeling like this, I am sick of thinking about this, I am sick of talking about this"

So I just let it go.

God saw, and sees, what he did, and does.

The ex is NOT my problem.

I am not God, therefore it is NOT my job to meet out punishment, it is not my job to see to it that he gets the consequences he deserves, and it is NOT my job to execute vengence.

And every time that thought of 'justice, punishment, vengence' came into my head?

I told God "he's your problem, not mine".

The more I took my eyes, my heart, my mind OFF OF the ex, and put them on me... .

They less and less I thought about the ex, and what he "deserves" (which is negative) the more I could put the positive thoughts of what I deserve (an abuse free environment, peace, joy, life)... .

It's amazing the difference I felt when I focused on positive, not negative.

[fromheeltoheal]

Any tips or things that worked for you ?

Giving myself time and distance, learning about the disorder, getting sad, then angry, then lost, back to sad, more anger, slowly shifting the focus from her to me, being shocked about what I had put up with, wondered why and how, used the shock as motivation to dig, look at my part.  And eventually it all made sense, it is not fair, not for me, not for her, the only winner was the disorder.

When you hit rock bottom ?

I hit rock bottom about 6 months after I left her.  I wasn't thinking about her much by then, I just felt totally lost, drinking a lot, anxious all the time, not sleeping, not moving forward in life, just spinning.  That was the point where her influence on my life had worn off but I was staring straight at the screwed up life I was living and what I had created for myself, which was not great by any stretch, and was questioning everything I thought I knew about myself, the world and life.  That's actually a very good place, an opportunity to build a life from scratch, built on bedrock instead of quicksand, by turning to the right people and focusing on the right things.  Refreshing, literally, and growing from that place it's easier to keep centered, but it takes what it takes.

The most important thing is to know that you're supposed to be going through what you're going through right now, the only way out is through, you're not stuck, it takes what it takes, and you get to a bright future by putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Dobie,

She may be giving the impression that she is happier, but deep down, not so sure.

My ex BPD fiancee  may use social media to show the world how happy she is with her new life and husband.  I have not personally seen this, (Knowing this would hurt) but have heard that she does. However, after 12 years of being with her, when I see her to return our son at the weekends, I look in her eyes and I'm not convince that she is.

But it's no longer my problem anymore. My happiness is... .

[zundertowz]

Trust me: She's not enjoying anything. She's putting on an act to try and stifle the internal pain that she has. It might work for a while.

she is happier than me that's for sure , if she was that miserable she would be knocking on my door . Been seven months and she has not regretted her desicion once .

she has everything now six figure salary , friends probably a new supply , new house , holidays

and she can be as selfish as she wants I've never seen her happier in photos

The truth is she probably is happy or dulleting herself she is happy if she is in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship... .but it wont last she will most likely repeat this behaviour for the rest of her life until she spirals out of control in her later years and will be miserable and alone.  You have to think about the future... .she has no chance of living a happy peaceful life... .but you do.  During my 3 year r/s with my ex she had very few happy memorable moments in her life... .everything was memories of people wronging her and how she was a victim... .at 36 I doubt she is gonna find her prince charming and live happily ever after.  And dont worry about or look at photos... .I know some people who are struggling big time in life and by there facebook you would think they just won the lotto.

[going places]

Any tips or things that worked for you ? When you hit rock bottom ?

Justice Queen here.

It used to CONSUME me... .how unfair it was that he got all the breaks.

He could just crap all over people, and they just looked the other way.

He could use people, and no one cared.

He lied to people, stole from them, flaked out on them; no consequences.

He got all the lucky breaks, lucky bounces, good calls... .

When *I* hit rock bottom, I looked "Up".

I told the Lord "I am sick of feeling like this, I am sick of thinking about this, I am sick of talking about this"

So I just let it go.

God saw, and sees, what he did, and does.

The ex is NOT my problem.

I am not God, therefore it is NOT my job to meet out punishment, it is not my job to see to it that he gets the consequences he deserves, and it is NOT my job to execute vengence.

And every time that thought of 'justice, punishment, vengence' came into my head?

I told God "he's your problem, not mine".

The more I took my eyes, my heart, my mind OFF OF the ex, and put them on me... .

They less and less I thought about the ex, and what he "deserves" (which is negative) the more I could put the positive thoughts of what I deserve (an abuse free environment, peace, joy, life)... .

It's amazing the difference I felt when I focused on positive, not negative.

ETA: I am sure he is "happy" based upon HIS definition.

HE is getting what HE wants, 24/7. HE is free to use and abuse, unrestrained.

I feel sorry for his new 'victim'. She has NO idea what she has... .and if she's lucky, he will use and abuse her quickly and dump her; not waste decades of her young life.

My best advice?

Stop wasting precious time and energy on the ex.

Draw a line in the sand, and focus on you and your future.

Life for you is thru the windshield... .life with the ex, is the rear view mirror; small, and behind you, getting further and further away; smaller and smaller until it's gone.

[DyingLove]

Some good, VERY good things said here.  They are the kinda good things that actually make me feel like jumping up and saying YESSSS!  But I'm not going to, I'd probably spill coffee all over my keyboard.

Injustice?  Interesting wording, but whether they have done us an injustice or whether you consider yourself a victim?  I'm on board with this way of thought.

First off, Dobie, I'm there with you- every stinkin' day without rest.  Not one day has passed since my B/U that all the crap continually hits the fan. It splatters all over me too and I don't think any has hit her.  My biggest problem is feeling like any moment she's gonna coming waltzing in the door and say "Honey, I'm home!".  BS!  It's just not gonna happen. My brain knows it, but my heart refuses to give in.  So I just keep watching, like a dog that lost it's master.  Sad isn't it?  I've been told that I need to socialize, meet people, etc.  I do socialize a little, sometimes it distracts me and sometimes I can cry in the middle of 1000 people.  My mind hasn't allowed me total control yet.  I'm waiting.  I guess I've made too many memories in the past 4 years AND think of it this way, I was so busy losing myself, and not being me, and idealizing and idolizing her, that it was like a baby with no memory, and TA-DA now I've got 4 years of memories and nothing else but that.  So being back "home" I feel like i'm in a foreign land.

TRUE- How many honeymoons can you go thru without saying: "what happens next"?  My ex had NO priorities and no hopes or dreams for the future.  I'll say it again, if I ever brought up: "honey, where do you want to be in 5 or 10 years?" (not necessarily worded that way), it would almost ALWAY provoke an argument or "dissatisfaction" on her part. Always.

(LonelyChild) Always unhappy on the inside?  Well they are chameleons so I would never be able to tell. At times she was just miserable or having an expression that was way less than happy.  So, aside from normal things that would steer her left or right, I couldn't always tell where it was going.

[AwakenedOne]

Any tips or things that worked for you ? When you hit rock bottom ?

My wife took the money, car, stuff, caused me to lose my job due to having no transportation, had to drop out of college at a key moment, no stable place to live, caused me injuries, etc... .etc... .

Regarding justice... .I thought to myself, what wife does what she did to her husband? How can she sleep at night? Only a monster or someone really sick or both, who knows really? Not anybody with a real inner goodness.

What went down during the last few months was pretty much mental and physical abuse. She constantly referred to me only by the name "Fkker".

After she left. I came to the decision I am not going to be defined as "Fkker".

She used to mock me that I would never get my dream job.

I decided that I will not lose my dreams because of her. I am not living to prove anything to her. I will never speak to her again.

I walked to college, worked a job I hated for many months while I pursued my dream job. I contacted employers to the point of them probably being sick of me. It payed off though one of them gave me my dream job.

[runningup]

Any tips or things that worked for you ? When you hit rock bottom ?

Only a monster or someone really sick or both, who knows really?

That really sums it up! Dobie, Im also in the same position my friend, and its crap! I don't sleep either, out of good job, losing $1000 a week while Im not employed, trying to sell my house at a loss, lost everything, thats what they do. I have been painted BLACK and theres nothing from her, no remorse, no feelings of guilt, even though she cheated. I am the only one feeling horrible, she has moved on and it "happy" which is a fantasy and wont last.

All I can control is ME, and as hard as it is to beleive my own words some days, I am the only one in control of what I do!

[AwakenedOne]

Some days are so hard I can barely function without drinking

How does drinking help you function? Do you think it is time to substitute something positive instead?

[zundertowz]

Some days are so hard I can barely function without drinking

How does drinking help you function? Do you think it is time to substitute something positive instead?

Drinking in the short term for those few hours help you forget and feel positive theres no doubt about it... .but the hand full of times I have gotten drunk since the breakup I have felt 10x worse the next day... .I mean suicidal.  The best thing to do is keep busy and exercise... .if that means walking around all day till your exhausted do that.  Plus the one time I contacted her was a few days after the breakup I was drunk.

[dobie]

Hearing a lot of very positive outcomes from all this guys its time I started to walk the walk for myself

For those still struggling keep going one foot after another its my mantra now


I'm getting back into training

The last thing I need is an alcohol dependency problem .

[DyingLove]

Any tips or things that worked for you ? When you hit rock bottom ?

Justice Queen here.

It used to CONSUME me... .how unfair it was that he got all the breaks.

He could just crap all over people, and they just looked the other way.

He could use people, and no one cared.

He lied to people, stole from them, flaked out on them; no consequences.

He got all the lucky breaks, lucky bounces, good calls... .

When *I* hit rock bottom, I looked "Up".

I told the Lord "I am sick of feeling like this, I am sick of thinking about this, I am sick of talking about this"

So I just let it go.

God saw, and sees, what he did, and does.

The ex is NOT my problem.

I am not God, therefore it is NOT my job to meet out punishment, it is not my job to see to it that he gets the consequences he deserves, and it is NOT my job to execute vengence.

And every time that thought of 'justice, punishment, vengence' came into my head?

I told God "he's your problem, not mine".

The more I took my eyes, my heart, my mind OFF OF the ex, and put them on me... .

They less and less I thought about the ex, and what he "deserves" (which is negative) the more I could put the positive thoughts of what I deserve (an abuse free environment, peace, joy, life)... .

It's amazing the difference I felt when I focused on positive, not negative.

Goingplaces, did you make this up or is it a verse?  It's absolutely fantastic and soothing.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

And every time that thought of 'justice, punishment, vengence' came into my head?

I told God "he's your problem, not mine".

I live this,  going places.  I will do my best to remember this b/c I have lately had MANY thoughts of wanting him to suffer.   Thank you for that.

The other thing I try to remember is I don't want that (his/her) version of "happiness" anymore.  No,  thank you!     

[going places]

Goingplaces, did you make this up or is it a verse?  It's absolutely fantastic and soothing.

It's just me, and how I get thru rough days.

I watched how his "thoughts" became his "reality" no matter how messed up they were... .

And I don't want to be like that.

For every negative in the world, there are 10 positives... .and I have to choose every day, to focus on the positives. Some days, all I could say was "I woke up, I am alive, and I have my kids"... .then I would search for more " I have food, I have shelter, I have a running car". Then more "I have gifts, talents, passion". THEN name my gifts, name my talents, name my passions... .then expand MORE on those positives... .

Some days, all I could do is pray, beg God to protect my mind, change my heart which in turn will change my thoughts.

The MORE I focused on the positive and the LESS I focused on the 'unfairness, the unexplained'. The LESS I focused on 'trying to make it all make sense"... .the more room I gave God to change my heart.

The other thing I try to remember is I don't want that (his/her) version of "happiness" anymore.  No,  thank you!     

Honestly, for my ex, it would depend on the day, the weather, what he had to eat, etc. on what "happiness' was. He was like shifting sand... .like a boat on the sea in a hurricane. Tossing wildly out of control, ruled and directed by the waves. I had to get off that sinking ship and save myself and our kids (young adults).

At first, I felt I had to "justify" why I was leaving, why I was so sad (PTSD) why why why... .

It's when I shut my mouth, and let HIS ACTIONS speak... .is when 'the truth' started to shine thru.

That's God.

I got out of His Way, and let the truth speak for itself.

That is very healing.