Ex BPDgf Just Unblocked me on Facebook after a Year. Is a Recycle Imminent ?

[Red Devil]

My ex BPDgf who loved the bones of me a few years ago suddenly changed and I was the devil, blocked on Facebook etc, just because I called her out on her games and Drama. We always used to reconnect but nothing for over a year which is fine by me. She always used to go out around my town weekly, now it seems shes out again and we have mutual friends on Facebook. She was out last night, I wasn't and all of a sudden im Unblocked. Does this sound like a Recycle is Imminent ? And no, I don't want her back, Just want to be prepared. Whatever you do with her you can't win, If I ignore her or block her she will take it as I must really care to do that so can't really win whatever I do. Yes quite naturally though I would like to get under her skin a bit as shes manipulative, uses people, loves attention etc. So do people think a Recycle is Imminent ?

[valet]

The imminence of a recycle depends on a choice that you will make.

So, let's flip the question back to you.

Is a recycle imminent?

[Red Devil]

Most certainly not by me

[JayApril]

The imminence of a recycle depends on a choice that you will make.

So, let's flip the question back to you.

Is a recycle imminent?

Agree! It is your choice OP to communicate with her again and, to start over with her games. You decide what you would like to do. Leaving such a choice to her will always end horribly no matter what. You have the power to end it if you are honestly done.

[Red Devil]

I was done a long time ago. All Im asking Is being as she has Unblocked me on Facebook should I expect her to get In touch at some point as I want to be ready and prepared. I mean, why has she Unblocked me after all this time ? Still don't know wether to Block her in return, Or If she gets in touch be polite but not Intrested or a big F**K off.

[JayApril]

I was done a long time ago. All Im asking Is being as she has Unblocked me on Facebook should I expect her to get In touch at some point as I want to be ready and prepared. I mean, why has she Unblocked me after all this time ? Still don't know wether to Block her in return, Or If she gets in touch be polite but not Intrested or a big F**K off.

Again that is up to you. I would personally ignore her. Bpds have a tendancy to come back, but if you stick to your boundaries whatever they may be. She will get the point.

[Red Devil]

Maybe she's unblocked me expecting me to notice and contact her so hopefully a big kick in the teeth for her when I don't 

[valet]

I was done a long time ago. All Im asking Is being as she has Unblocked me on Facebook should I expect her to get In touch at some point as I want to be ready and prepared. I mean, why has she Unblocked me after all this time ? Still don't know wether to Block her in return, Or If she gets in touch be polite but not Intrested or a big F**K off.

Remember that there are assertive and educating ways to assert your boundaries. You don't have to make any rash decisions or be cruel in your interactions (and this includes on social media).

Think of it this way, regarding contact: if you were to contact her, how would you want to be treated?

[JayApril]

Maybe she's unblocked me expecting me to notice and contact her so hopefully a big kick in the teeth for her when I don't 

That does happen

[blackrazor]

I got unblocked on facebook nearly 3 months ago. I also got mysteriously added and then blocked on another app (while I was asleep) a month after this! She also liked my best mates status, who she had met only once briefly. No communication with me though. I think it is either

-She wants to check up on you, and she cant see anything if you're blocked. I'm not sure what your privacy settings are like, but since she is friends with my best mate, she can see a lot of pictures as he is in a lot of them.

-She wants you to contact her, but is not willing to contact you. either it's a power/validation thing to know you still think of her, or somewhat less likely, perhaps she wants to talk but is too ashamed to initiate- sort of ties in with the validation a little.

That's all I could think of for why they do it. Sounds like it could go either way. My advice do nothing, e.g. if you block her in return she will notice and assume whatever she wants to

[Red Devil]

Yes that's what I was thinking. My first reaction was to Block her Instantly like she Blocked me, but she would just twist it to something like I must have noticed straight away and I must be hurting where the fact Is I don't give a dam anymore, but I naturally like my little dig In return without getting nasty as I know how nasty she Is deep down. So as the saying goes I think No Reaction is the best Reaction and what really hurts them the most.

[BlackHoleSun]

She's winning!  Sorry to sound like a dick but think about it... .what are you doing?

That's right! You're thinking about her. Her unblocking you has got you thinking about her to the point you've come on here and made a thread! She knows that. She knows that you'll be trying to figure out what's going on. She thinks like that because she suffers with incredible self entitlement and thinks the world revolves around her.

I know a BPD that does this sort of stuff. Its text book. She msgs ex's with winky faces or smileys. They can't reply because they're blocked. Hahaha. She just does it to make them think of her and mess with their heads a bit.

[Red Devil]

Obviously she doesn't know ive wrote on this board or it even exists though. But by my not saying anything to her mate or even acknowledging her unblocking me , she hopefully will think Ive moved on which I have. Come on though, these people deserve to be Ignored , a taste of their own medicine. No way would I ever go back to that Drama. I was going to block her but its a reaction so In her eyes Im doing nothing as it hasn't even registered 

[jhkbuzz]

She's winning!  Sorry to sound like a dick but think about it... .what are you doing?

That's right! You're thinking about her. Her unblocking you has got you thinking about her to the point you've come on here and made a thread! She knows that. She knows that you'll be trying to figure out what's going on. She thinks like that because she suffers with incredible self entitlement and thinks the world revolves around her.

I know a BPD that does this sort of stuff. Its text book. She msgs ex's with winky faces or smileys. They can't reply because they're blocked. Hahaha. She just does it to make them think of her and mess with their heads a bit.

You are describing a narcissist, not someone with BPD. pwBPD have an unstable sense of self; a lack of a stable "self" that is consistent over time -  which is the exact opposite of what you describe.

[JRT]

I think that the OP really asks the question, "Is this a recycle attempt (on her part)?"

In order to unlock someone on FB you must specifically go to that persons profile and unblock them (which I am not sure you can even do once you block them... .were you unfriended or blocked?). There is no 'global' unblock feature on FB. This means that she was thinking about you on some level. Its reasonable to conclude that her thinking is to the extent that she at least invites you to notice them and, ultimately perhaps, initiate some level of dialog between both of you.

However, one thread that I recall her posted a long letter by a pwBPD that indicated that BPD's might do this (or unblock a phone number) to test their emotions to see if they can 'handle' the emotional energy related to contact. Some are unable to cope with this and once a cursory contact is made, they block again. Mine did this with her phone around xmas time and then blocked me immediately (she also called the cops).    

This is among the crazy things about this disorder; expect anything from one extreme to the other.

[jhkbuzz]

The interesting thing about this thread for me is that, because I'm pretty close to being detached, I've been wondering recently if it's necessary to continue blocking my ex on FB.  I may unblock sometime in the future.  Not because I'm hoping for a recycle - I don't want one.  Not because I'm hoping she will contact me - if she wants to do that she can text me.  Not because I'm testing her - I'm not emotionally involved enough to want to try to test anything.  It just doesn't feel necessary to me any more. I don't think I'll be triggered by seeing her posts.

What this thread has done is made me think about how she might perceive my unblocking - I hadn't really thought about that aspect.

[BlackHoleSun]

She's winning!  Sorry to sound like a dick but think about it... .what are you doing?

That's right! You're thinking about her. Her unblocking you has got you thinking about her to the point you've come on here and made a thread! She knows that. She knows that you'll be trying to figure out what's going on. She thinks like that because she suffers with incredible self entitlement and thinks the world revolves around her.

I know a BPD that does this sort of stuff. Its text book. She msgs ex's with winky faces or smileys. They can't reply because they're blocked. Hahaha. She just does it to make them think of her and mess with their heads a bit.

You are describing a narcissist, not someone with BPD. pwBPD have an unstable sense of self; a lack of a stable "self" that is consistent over time -  which is the exact opposite of what you describe.

Not sure why you're mentioning an unstable sense of self? My friend, the person I'm talking about, is a diagnosed BPD! All Cluster Bs are self entitled and think the world revolves around them! In fact most borderlines are Narcissistic. It ties into abandonment and engulfment. Abandonment = dependency. Engulfment = Narcissism. There's a good diagram knocking about somewhere that displays just that.

Red Devil... .point is she's got you thinking about her. That's what she'll be going for. She's probably also hoping you'll attempt to contact her. You're spot on... .ignore. Just carry on as normal, don't do anything out of the ordinary.

[Red Devil]

I was Blocked around a year ago even though at the time I wasn't even on her Friends list. To Unblock someone on Facebook you have to go Into your Privacy Settings and click on the person you want to Unblock. She Blocked me when I told her some home truths and I wasn't going to put up with her Drama and ___. We have Mutual friends. We always used to see each other on nights out, she hasn't been out in my town for ages and It just so happens she was out on the town last night with a mutual female friend. We always used to row and make up but after I was blocked last year I never responded and was glad to see the back of her and her Drama. I think she Is maybe more Histrionic than BPD but fits both criterias. Yes, she Is very Pretty, obsessed with looks, fake nails, tan, etc, used to lads being all over her, which In the past and my weak moments I was, but them days are over. With this person when I acted like I never gave a crap she was all over me, I love you blah, blah, the Minute I gave her affection attention and LOve the Drama begun, so after being Blocked I left It at that and have not missed her one bit. By my own admission though, I like to give these people a taste of their own medicine, especially now I have no feelings anymore for her now I know the sort of person she Is. A proper attention seeker.

[Red Devil]

Your right, I will Ignore her. Im not even going to Block her as that's a Reaction

[jhkbuzz]

She's winning!  Sorry to sound like a dick but think about it... .what are you doing?

That's right! You're thinking about her. Her unblocking you has got you thinking about her to the point you've come on here and made a thread! She knows that. She knows that you'll be trying to figure out what's going on. She thinks like that because she suffers with incredible self entitlement and thinks the world revolves around her.

I know a BPD that does this sort of stuff. Its text book. She msgs ex's with winky faces or smileys. They can't reply because they're blocked. Hahaha. She just does it to make them think of her and mess with their heads a bit.

You are describing a narcissist, not someone with BPD. pwBPD have an unstable sense of self; a lack of a stable "self" that is consistent over time -  which is the exact opposite of what you describe.

Not sure why you're mentioning an unstable sense of self? My friend, the person I'm talking about, is a diagnosed BPD! All Cluster Bs are self entitled and think the world revolves around them! In fact most borderlines are Narcissistic. It ties into abandonment and engulfment. Abandonment = dependency. Engulfment = Narcissism. There's a good diagram knocking about somewhere that displays just that.

Red Devil... .point is she's got you thinking about her. That's what she'll be going for. She's probably also hoping you'll attempt to contact her. You're spot on... .ignore. Just carry on as normal, don't do anything out of the ordinary.

Borderlines can be 'narcissistic' in the way that young children are. When you see a young child and observe their "self-centered" worldview you understand that this is where they are at developmentally - and this is what you often see in pwBPD as well. Typically, trauma has led to arrested emotional development in a pwBPD. They may appear self-centered - but it's not premeditated (any more than a child is self-centered due to premeditated motives).

This ^ is very different than a clinical diagnosis of narcissism. Not all people with BPD have comorbidity with NPD.  Some do, to be sure - but many don't.

Engulfment = Narcissism

Not quite. From "I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus:

"The borderline's unstable relationships are directly related to his intolerance of separation and fear of intimacy. The borderline is typically dependent, clinging, and idealizing the lover until the lover, spouse or friend repels or frustrates these needs with some sort of rejection or indifference, then the borderline carooms to the other extreme; devaluation, resistance to intimacy, and outright avoidance. A continual tug-of-war develops between the wish to merge and be taken care of, and the one hand, and the fear of engulfment, on the other. For the borderline, engulfment means the obliteration of separate identity, the loss of autonomy, and a feeling of non-existence. The borderline vacillates between a desire for closeness to relieve the emptiness and boredom, and a fear of intimacy, which is perceived as a thief of self-confidence and independence."


You may find this discussion of BPD and Narcissism interesting:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90388.0

[BlackHoleSun]

She's winning!  Sorry to sound like a dick but think about it... .what are you doing?

That's right! You're thinking about her. Her unblocking you has got you thinking about her to the point you've come on here and made a thread! She knows that. She knows that you'll be trying to figure out what's going on. She thinks like that because she suffers with incredible self entitlement and thinks the world revolves around her.

I know a BPD that does this sort of stuff. Its text book. She msgs ex's with winky faces or smileys. They can't reply because they're blocked. Hahaha. She just does it to make them think of her and mess with their heads a bit.

You are describing a narcissist, not someone with BPD. pwBPD have an unstable sense of self; a lack of a stable "self" that is consistent over time -  which is the exact opposite of what you describe.

Not sure why you're mentioning an unstable sense of self? My friend, the person I'm talking about, is a diagnosed BPD! All Cluster Bs are self entitled and think the world revolves around them! In fact most borderlines are Narcissistic. It ties into abandonment and engulfment. Abandonment = dependency. Engulfment = Narcissism. There's a good diagram knocking about somewhere that displays just that.

Red Devil... .point is she's got you thinking about her. That's what she'll be going for. She's probably also hoping you'll attempt to contact her. You're spot on... .ignore. Just carry on as normal, don't do anything out of the ordinary.

Borderlines can be 'narcissistic' in the way that young children are. When you see a young child and observe their "self-centered" worldview you understand that this is where they are at developmentally - and this is what you often see in pwBPD as well. Typically, trauma has led to arrested emotional development in a pwBPD. They may appear self-centered - but it's not premeditated (any more than a child is self-centered due to premeditated motives).

This ^ is very different than a clinical diagnosis of narcissism. Not all people with BPD have comorbidity with NPD.  Some do, to be sure - but many don't.

You're sort of preaching to the converted here. I've got a lot of experience of BPD through relationships, both romantic and just friendships. BPDs are Narcissistic. I'm not talking about NPD that's something else entirely.

You're right, they're very much like spoilt little children! They're self entitled and see the world as revolving around themselves... .just as children do. Narcissism ties into BPD in quite a few ways. With their black and white thinking they tend to either see themselves as worthless (black) or superhuman (white). When feeling abandoned they become dependent and when engulfed become even more Narcissistic. So yeah, narcissism definitely plays a part in BPD itself. Then like you say there is co-morbidity which makes things even more of a nightmare!

Red Devil... .nice work man! Ignore away, let's see how she likes them apples!

[apollotech]

RD,

Why are you basing your questions/reactions/decisions on what she thinks/feels or might, or might not, possibly do? Do what is best for you. It is not about winning or getting an upper hand; it's about your health, and her's as well. Don't fall into the game playing trap as there is already one child too many in the scenario. Don't intentionally hurt her as she has (and has had) enough of that already. BPD is its own punishment. Again, do what is best for you.

[Suzn]

Why are you basing your questions/reactions/decisions on what she thinks/feels or might, or might not, possibly do? Do what is best for you. It is not about winning or getting an upper hand; it's about your health, and her's as well. Don't fall into the game playing trap as there is already one child too many in the scenario. Don't intentionally hurt her as she has (and has had) enough of that already. BPD is its own punishment. Again, do what is best for you.

RD you are giving the possibility of her contacting you a lot of your energy. Wanting to "pay back" the hurt that she caused you means there's still attachment for you. True detachment would not have this effect on you. You are wanting to be prepared if she makes contact, what is it you fear? Do you fear she may be able to talk you back into the r/s? Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your boundaries are solid?

Identify the fear and it can help you with the resolution.

[Red Devil]

I can assure you I don't and won't have her back but yes , the way these people treat you, I am the sort of person who likes a bit of retaliation no matter how small In a non threatening way of course

[Panda39]

I would just block her and move on.

[Red Devil]

HA HA HA HA Im now back to being blocked. Why is that ? Because I never took the bait and now back to being blocked . Havent seen or heard from her in over a year, she unblocks me at weekend when shes back in my town, and back to being blocked again, yet we haven't even talked. Work that out in crazy language ?  LOL

[ZeusRLX]

I was done a long time ago. All Im asking Is being as she has Unblocked me on Facebook should I expect her to get In touch at some point as I want to be ready and prepared. I mean, why has she Unblocked me after all this time ? Still don't know wether to Block her in return, Or If she gets in touch be polite but not Intrested or a big F**K off.

Hard to say. They are not even consistently inconsistent. It's like trying to predict what exact spot on the floor a drunk will stumble next. You know it's going to be all over the place but it's hard to pinpoint an exact location.

But the fact that she is unblocked you makes the recycle pattern slightly more likely I think.

I didn't block mine just so I could keep an eye on them... .but when they do write I just don't answer.

[ZeusRLX]

HA HA HA HA Im now back to being blocked. Why is that ? Because I never took the bait and now back to being blocked . Havent seen or heard from her in over a year, she unblocks me at weekend when shes back in my town, and back to being blocked again, yet we haven't even talked. Work that out in crazy language ?  LOL

Yeah, pretty typical behavior for BPD, hehe.

[Red Devil]

All Im making of it is Blocking and Unblocking is meaning you stopped chasing, Notice me ! . And if she did eventually get in touch, I will Ignore.

[Red Devil]

I still don't understand why Block, Unblock then Block again . Even In BPD Language I can't figure what she's trying to achieve with that one 

[JRT]

I wonder if the block/unblock gives them a sense of control or power over the situation where it is clear through NC that they have relinquished it... .OR that it is a step twoards a recycle attempt that their unregulated emotions simply cannot handle to go any further - in effect, too chicken to carry it out fully. 

[valet]

I think you have it JRT. To me, it went like this:

She unblocks you. It triggers her. She blocks you again.

Simple, open/shut kind of case.

[JRT]

Mine unblocked me via phone around xmas... .I would send a text every now and again to see if I was still blocked back then... .so I called her... .she hung up... .then I got a call from the cops

[Red Devil]

My Ex will be getting no texes or calls from me, maybe that's whats bothering her. No Reaction = Best Reaction  A couple of years ago I would have called her out on this nonsense, now I see her for what she is.

[JRT]

Of course... .you called her bluff!