Those are some great questions... .Conundrum. Perhaps they are the reason for your name?
How have you answered those questions for yourself?
Hi jhkbuzz. Yes, involving one's self with a disordered person inevitably is a conundrum leading to either greater enlightenment, doom, or some purgatory in-between. Answering those questions (for me) are entwined within the process of radical acceptance. A caveat, which causes me trepidation, is that while the patterns we see here may be similar, in application our statuses' (where we relationally are in life) differ in application across the board. Therefore, offfering any universal objective approach isn't my desire and I would simply say, we all have stories to tell. Briefly this is mine.
I loved her well, and deeply. We lived together for 7 years. She is considerably younger. We broke up a little over two-years-ago. We've stayed in contact ever since (though there was a period of 6 months NC). She's been clinically diagnosed w BPD.
"If wishes were fishes"... .isn't that where many of us start? Wanting to hold onto that dream. A dream that will never be. And realizing that clinging to that dream was at the root of my suffering. Because--I felt it was too painful to let go of the aspirational desires that we had cobbled together. Instead of perceiving clearly, I wanted to desperately cling to the illusion that we as a couple could "go home again." We could not.
But desire is a tricky thing. And while the Buddhists tell us that all suffering is caused by desire "the heart wants what the heart wants." After our break-up, my heart repeatedly told me that I was still in love with her. It was a yearning that I didn't think would ever leave. It burned so bright--it permeated many aspects of my life--almost 24/7. It was generally debilitating. Until, it was no more. Time wormed its charms and clinging to being "in-love" receded, to be replaced by clear perception. That took a bit of time. Over a year. It surprised me when it took hold. I was no longer in-love with her.
Instead, I felt "a love" for her, and the physical attraction remained--but it was different. I was no longer romantically invested in her life path. We were no longer aspirationally bound that way. I saw that it would be almost impossible for her to offer that manner of relational stability to anyone. I no longer craved that type of commitment with or from her.
Still, my pwBPD knows me as well as any woman, and we undeniably possess a substantial bond that has been shaped over time. In many ways it's easier now--without the weight of sharing domestic relations, and the possessiveness which encroaches into these relationships, and I do feel that I still owe her a debt. For many years she was a good partner and helped greatly with my children. But, she also owes me a debt.
So, wishes are not fishes, and I clearly perceive that she is a troubled woman, but for a long time we shared life together and still remains my friend--and a bit more. I do not shame her. Perhaps, "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." There is something essential about us that remains invisible to the eye. I accept that, but do my best to clearly perceive. I think it is true that "if you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were"--while still abiding by the precept that all things change.
