Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 07:48:15 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Something my BPDex's therapist said over two years ago that I now understand.  (Read 445 times)
Octoberfest
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 717


« on: May 21, 2015, 04:02:12 PM »

First off, long time no see. There was a time when I was on these boards for several hours a day, when I thought I would never overcome the damage resulting from my relationship with my BPDex... .

I'll again tell those still here that it really does get better. Life really does go on. She used to consume my thoughts each and every waking moment, and now every now and again I'll think of her, except now I don't get the stabbing pain. 

Anyways,

Near the very end of my relationship with my dBPDex (she was 22 at the time, me 20) I went to a couple of her therapy sessions with her. She was in DBT (it did nothing for her, she wasn't committed) and part of it was a weekly individual session with a therapist. The summer was coming up and we would be in different towns and were trying to figure out how to manage that. There was cheating all throughout our 9 month relationship by her with MULTIPLE different people. I was suckered in and kept forgiving and giving her another chance. With all this in mind, the therapist suggested that we should focus on learning to better deal with instances of that and the pain and hurt that came with it. I was incredulous. It seemed to me she was suggesting that, instead of my BPDex learning to just not be a cheating whore, I learn to better manage it when she did cheat. To me it sounded like the equivalent of, "there is this totally avoidable hazard, that is going to give you a cut. Instead of learning to just go around the hazard, we are going to learn how to put the bandaid on the cut when you go through it".

The above is something that irked me for a long, long, long time. I just couldn't grasp how this therapist could suggest that we should just learn to better cope when things like that happened.

This whole thing popped back into my mind recently and I had a revelation... .one that I would never in a million years have came  to back when I was so immersed in my BPDex, but one that is clear as day now.

My BPDex's therapist saw the writing on the wall long before I did.

She suggested we learn to better cope with the hurt that came from my ex's infidelity, rather than try and stop my ex's infidelity, because she knew that there wasn't a snowballs chance in hell that things were ever going to get better with my BPDex. She knew that she would never stop cheating or lying. So it became a game of trying to make the relationship survive by strengthening my resolve and ability to deal with it.

I wasn't able to see that back then because I was still deluded into thinking there was hope for my BPDex and I. Or that somehow things would come full circle and she and I would try again. Once I accepted that my life would go on without her, and that I was much (read: much, much much much MUCH!) better off without her, it became obvious.

I don't know if this will help anyone here, but I thought it was cool.

Logged

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
[/url]
dagwoodbowser
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 282


« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2015, 04:27:01 PM »

My BPDx IS a chronic, compulsive, nympho cheater. I can totally relate how one deludes themselves while under the hypnotic trance of a BPD to rationalize and justify this behavior as "ok." I kept thinking it was a forgivable isolated event the first time (that I knew of) but as the evidence and busting her over and over by her texts I saw a pattern emerge. My mind and emotions were so twisted up that my lack of boundaries I likely encouraged it.

Almost 3 months out N/C t turns my stomach to see how paralyzed I was when I was in the FOG. Many other things I let slide but this one should have been nipped out right and I should have walked the first time.
Logged
ZeusRLX
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 196



« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2015, 04:36:14 PM »

All BPD's I was involved with cheated... .sexually or emotionally.

And none of the ones I heard of got better either way.

Don't get me wrong, there are hundreds of thousands of them. I am sure a FEW of them can and will get better.

But based on what I have experienced and heard here and even the official statistics, don't hold your breath.
Logged
cosmonaut
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1056



« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2015, 04:41:59 PM »

That sounds like what probably happened.  The therapist was trying to save the relationship (as she should), but she must have also realized that your ex had no interest in facing her disorder and recovery was unlikely.  So, she was doing the best she could given what she had to work with.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.  I'm sure it must have felt extremely invalidating and painful to hear the therapist seemingly condone your ex's cheating.  I don't think that was her intent, however.

I'm really glad to hear that you are doing better these days.  That's wonderful.  How long has it been for you since your breakup?  When do you feel your turning point was?
Logged
Madison66
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 398


« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2015, 07:05:13 PM »

Octoberfest,

I hear you on what your BPDex's T was communicating to you.  I heard similar things from two different T's that my uBPD/NPD ex gf and I went to for couples T.  In the last session I ever went to with my ex gf, I shared at the session an emotional dysregulation rage that my ex gf had at my house late one night the same day my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  I was angry and hurt that she couldn't support me during such a rough time and then went into a childlike rage when she failed to turn the attention to her neediness.  The T then gave us a homework assignment for the next session - each of us was to come back and play the role of the other to help each of us gain empathy for the others feelings.  This was over three years in and I was at my whits end dealing with all the crap.  I emailed the T that evening saying that I was not going to participate in a forum that enabled my ex's behavior and abuse.  She responded that she didn't blame me and that she completely understood.  She also said things would most likely grow worse and that my anger would only exacerbate it.  Like your situation, I believe she also saw the handwriting on the wall that my ex would not change and that there were only two things for me to do - find a way to better empathize and continue to suck it up or leave the r/s.  I chose the latter.  Thank God!
Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2015, 08:24:18 PM »

Had a similar experience with a T saying, regarding the relationship, that she could help me better deal with my gf's issues or could help me let go and grieve/move on. My choice. I chose staying, at first, for all the reasons there were to do so at the time, and then eventually the focus was on leaving (for all the various reasons there were to do that). My gf didn't go see a T, on her own or with me, despite the good it could have done. To her, since I was 'the problem' (scapegoat), that was on me. Thankfully I followed through with it in a serious and honest way. Scarred but surely healing.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!