"I Need to Feel Safe" - Red Flag?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just watched Gone Girl and the main character kept saying "I need to feel safe" etc etc. She has some kind of ASPD or BPD or something like that.

And I was like wait a minute, that sounds familiar!

Now that I think of it, every one of my BPD exes used the same exact phrase.

"I need to feel safe so... .- Insert Unrealistic Emotional/Financial Demand here"

Can't tell you how many times I've heard that phrase.

And suddenly I wondered... .is that a red flag? Or do non-BPD women also use the same terminology?

What do you guys think? Next time I hear she needs to feel safe, should I head for the hills? 

[ZeusRLX]

Just watched Gone Girl and the main character kept saying "I need to feel safe" etc etc. She has some kind of ASPD or BPD or something like that.

And I was like wait a minute, that sounds familiar!

Now that I think of it, every one of my BPD exes used the same exact phrase.

"I need to feel safe so... .- Insert Unrealistic Emotional/Financial Demand here"

Can't tell you how many times I've heard that phrase.

And suddenly I wondered... .is that a red flag? Or do non-BPD women also use the same terminology?

What do you guys think? Next time I hear she needs to feel safe, should I head for the hills? 

[Hadlee]

I'm a non woman and I've never said that to any of my bf's.  The thought of feeling safe wouldn't even enter my mind unless I thought I was dating an axe murder

[jhkbuzz]

My ex said it ALL the time. It always made me feel sad for her; I can't imagine what it's like to move through the world and constantly feel like you're not safe.

[going places]

"I need to feel safe" meaning she feared for her life, like someone was gonna get her?

or

"I need to feel safe" meaning, she needed to feel secure, that the relationship was solid and stable, that any past anxieties or insecurities she may have had, she no longer needs because you are her rock?

[search4peace]

My exuBPDgf told me once that she needed to "feel emotionally safe" with me, supporting my growing sense that she had been seeking some sort of haven from all the ills and worries in her life, which were legion.

In fact, she also told me, through tears and gritted teeth, that

"I am determined, before before I die, to be married and to be part of a loving family". 

I was suddenly struck by how unimportant I was to her as a person, and that for her I was merely a means to this end.

Just incredible... .

[goateeki]

"I need to feel safe" meaning she feared for her life, like someone was gonna get her?

or

"I need to feel safe" meaning, she needed to feel secure, that the relationship was solid and stable, that any past anxieties or insecurities she may have had, she no longer needs because you are her rock?

Either way, it's a huge red flag.  To answer the question, no, I don't think that a healthy non woman would use this phrase because she's not a waif and using language like that would be an embarrassment to a non.

Assuming she's not presently living in Syria, northern Iraq of some really dodgy part of an urban center anywhere in the world, she ought to feel safe.  We live in an age of real practical safety.  These days it's almost impossible to make a car skid unless you're speeding on a sheet of ice. 

One person telling another person that she "needs to feel safe" is a statement about her emotional capabilities.  If we were to be purely rational about this, a response would be "We all like to feel safe" and nothing more.  In my experience (and I got the "I need to feel safe" line a lot), a statement like this is almost always followed by some demand that the hearer, the other person in the relationship, take some step to limit his personal freedom.  Stop seeing friends, be home at a certain time, stop talking to certain people, etc., etc.  The relationship then becomes the locus of her efforts (all of which will be futile) to "feel safe."  And it's like feeding a raccoon.  Take one step to limit your personal freedom to help her feel "safe," and she knows she has you.  The demands will never end.   

I've been through it with a dpwBPD.  I see an excellent cognitive behavioral therapist.  My personal belief is that people with durable narcissistic or borderline traits are to be avoided.  They can't be helped, they can't be understood in a way that you'd want to understand them (for me, reaching an understanding my pwBPD was possibly the most depressing event of my life, because of what I learned about human nature).  Most importantly, relationships with them can't be managed -- unless, of course, you're prepared to make some huge compromise with life.


If I sound negative, or decisive, it's because I am when it comes to contending with pwBPD and NPD.  I think that there's a difference between transient borderline-esque behavior and the actual, diagnosed phenomenon.  If you're dealing with a diagnosis or durable traits that are undeniably BPD or NPD, understand that you don't have to live that way.   

[EaglesJuju]

Although the character, Amy identifies on an ASPD/sociopath spectrum, I interpret the meaning of "feeling safe" as a sense of security and stability. 

Many people with insecure attachment styles refer to a relationship as a means for stability/security.  People with high attachment anxiety tend to have fears of separation/abandonment and a low representation of self.  This type of style is highly indicative of psychopathological dependency on a partner or the pull-phase of a pwBPD.

Without a pathological "need," I think that most people want some security/stability in their relationships.

[camuse]

Yeah that line sent a chill up my spine too, I had also heard it from mine.

[going places]

From a Biblical perspective, it is woven into a woman's being the need for 'security'. It is also woven into a man's being to be the 'provider, bringer of security and safety'. She too, brings that same "security" to her husband.

Red Flags are when either the man or woman finds their 'identity' in another human being; that they cannot exists without that human, and their full faith is in that human being.

Healthy relationships / marriages are when 2 people, who are individuals, and can function as individuals, come together and complete the circle.

Why, when 2 year old children get lost at the mall, are they terrified?

They are out of the 'safety and security' of their mothers/fathers protection.

So healthy parents teach their children how to handle those situations, how to be 'safe'.

Where to go to find they safety if they find themselves lost.

They are taught how to cope, how to stay calm, but most importantly how to find safety.

As they grow older, they are taught (thru word, and example) steps to avoid those situations, but if they find themselves 'lost'... .how to find their way back:

Example: Teen driver takes a wrong turn into a very unsafe neighborhood.

A well trained teen will have been taught how to find their way out, have a charged cell phone to make a call, to know when a dangerous situation is about to unfold AND how to make their way thru it.

Would it have been nice to have mom or dad with?

Heck yes.

BUT

They have been taught and trained how to handle it on their own.

They still seek 'safety and security'... .but they don't go home and never leave the house or their parents because fear has consumed them.

Unhealthy 'safe and secure' is when a person is paralized by fear, and seeks out another human being to be their keeper.

I hope that makes sense and explains what I mean by "healthy safety and security".

[DyingLove]

Boy, everyone is posting really good stuff lately!  All the things that I've forgotten.

My ex has said "I need to feel safe" and she's also said that "I need someone strong".  I think they relate to each other.  I know she meant that someone strong that was gonna take care of her and her weakness.

[zundertowz]

My ex never said I need to feel safe but said she wanted someone to take care of her... .as far as that movie goes what always sticks out to me is Doogie Howsers role as white knight waiting in the wings... .dont be that guy!

[Recooperating]

I am a non and female and I did say this to my dBPDexbf. It was after a series of verbal and agressive attacks and he made me feel extreme scared and unsafe. I told him I was scared and that its normal to feel safe and secure with you partner and I didnt feel that way.

And to be honest after this experience with an abusive partner I often think that I need to feel safe in a next rs. Dont know if thats a red flag for a PD... .

[vortex of confusion]

Perhaps I am BPD, PD afterall!

I have thought/felt/said, "I need to feel safe" on several different occasions.

I am referring to emotional safety meaning that I don't trust my partner with my feelings. I don't trust my partner to listen to me or have my back. To me, it means, "I need you to be trustworthy." I need to be able to have a bad day from time to time without him thinking the world is going to end. I need to be able to express an emotion other than just happy. I am a woman. Sometimes, I cry for no good reason, especially when being hit with a surge of hormones. If I cry, the world is not going to end. If I get mad, that doesn't mean that I am going to run out and get a divorce. If I notice that you forgot something, I am not trying to persecute you.

Another way to phrase "I need to feel safe" would be to say that I need to be in a relationship where I am not walking on eggshells.

[jhkbuzz]

"I need to feel safe" meaning she feared for her life, like someone was gonna get her?

or

"I need to feel safe" meaning, she needed to feel secure, that the relationship was solid and stable, that any past anxieties or insecurities she may have had, she no longer needs because you are her rock?

Safe in every sense of the word; physical and emotional.  I don't think she's paranoid (and I never did)... .I was always aware that it was childhood wounds and terrors that she could never quite "name."

[ZeusRLX]

"I need to feel safe" meaning she feared for her life, like someone was gonna get her?

or

"I need to feel safe" meaning, she needed to feel secure, that the relationship was solid and stable, that any past anxieties or insecurities she may have had, she no longer needs because you are her rock?

The latter in my case... .

[ZeusRLX]

Either way, it's a huge red flag.  To answer the question, no, I don't think that a healthy non woman would use this phrase because she's not a waif and using language like that would be an embarrassment to a non.

Assuming she's not presently living in Syria, northern Iraq of some really dodgy part of an urban center anywhere in the world, she ought to feel safe.  We live in an age of real practical safety.  These days it's almost impossible to make a car skid unless you're speeding on a sheet of ice. 

One person telling another person that she "needs to feel safe" is a statement about her emotional capabilities.  If we were to be purely rational about this, a response would be "We all like to feel safe" and nothing more.  In my experience (and I got the "I need to feel safe" line a lot), a statement like this is almost always followed by some demand that the hearer, the other person in the relationship, take some step to limit his personal freedom.  Stop seeing friends, be home at a certain time, stop talking to certain people, etc., etc.  The relationship then becomes the locus of her efforts (all of which will be futile) to "feel safe."  And it's like feeding a raccoon.  Take one step to limit your personal freedom to help her feel "safe," and she knows she has you.  The demands will never end.   

Yes, same here. "I need to feel safe so I will isolate you from everyone and then drag you down the dark hole financially, emotionally, etc etc."

I actually have heard that phrase so many times, it seems normal to me so I'm really glad I checked in with everyone here on it.

[ZeusRLX]

Unhealthy 'safe and secure' is when a person is paralized by fear, and seeks out another human being to be their keeper.

I hope that makes sense and explains what I mean by "healthy safety and security".

I think you're right and I think in my case she WAS looking to me to make her feel safe but no matter how much I did she never felt completely safe and so those demands grew and grew.

But reality is that nothing you can do would make her feel safe. The problem is with her, not with anything I could do for her so until she gets it treated, there is nothing else for me to do.

[ZeusRLX]

And even though I have been screwed over multiple times by personality disordered people, I have never said "I need to feel safe" nor would I say it in the future.

I am guessing whenever someone says "I need to feel safe" and places some kind of demands on you... .it's just a symptom of extreme violations of trust in the past... .

And there is a high probability of BPD given that all of us are susceptible to it here... .so I think I will add that to the list of my red flags in the future... .

[Recooperating]

I agree with Vortex

I really think it depends on the context. I have never mentioned it or even thought it in previous rs with nons.

But in my rs with my dBPDex I did tell him I didnt feel safe.

After him threatning to destroy me, hurt me, physically hurt me... .waving a knife around... .

I really don't think I have a PD because I told him after that I didnt feel safe with him.

If I do have a PD, I should change therapists

[jhkbuzz]

Boy, everyone is posting really good stuff lately!  All the things that I've forgotten.

My ex has said "I need to feel safe" and she's also said that "I need someone strong".  I think they relate to each other.  I know she meant that someone strong that was gonna take care of her and her weakness.

Someone strong to keep her safe.

[Allmessedup]

I too said this to my BPDexgf.   All the games, the crazy making made me feel very unsafe.  I never knew which end was up.

[ZeusRLX]

So they start with telling you they don't feel safe.

Then it gets reversed and YOU don't feel safe if you go far enough.

The rescuer becomes the victim. Classic BPD reversal.

[going places]

I have always said (prior to marrying my ex, and a few times during my marriage of 25 years) that I should have married a Marine.

Why a Marine?

IMHO, a Marine is someone who is committed, dedicated, loyal.

Someone who is disciplined, has self-control, has the mind set of "no one left behind".

He's strong, a protector; has a keen sense of his surroundings, adaptable, flexible.

Sees things thru to completion.

When I was younger, I was VERY independent, head-strong.

I could handle anything you threw at me, and did it on my own.

It was going to take a 'strong man' to handle me.

Unfortunately, I chose poorly, and a monster broke me.

So now, we are getting back to the 'very independent head-strong' female that I was... .

And I still think a Marine is a great idea!

I don't think that makes me disordered, I think I know my strengths and weaknesses, and know what the "yin" to my "yang" needs to be!

[dobie]

When I slept in the same bed as her (because for ages I stopped) I asked her if my snooring bothered her and she said no "she felt safe" .

[Madison66]

I can't recall my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years saying "I need to feel safe", but rather I remember her repeatedly saying "I don't feel safe".  This happened in many situations and while I believe she often didn't feel emotionally safe, she also used this as a cop-out to avoid dealing with her emotions or my needs.  One example came in a couples T session where I brought up an issue from the previous week where I had some outside pressures going on, needed her support and patience, only to have her turn emotionally needy.  I wasn't on the attack, but rather explained what happened and how I felt.  The T asked me what I needed in this situation and I said it.  When it came to my ex gf responding, she reverted to her childlike emotional state and kept saying she didn't feel safe.  I needed to use the restroom and my ex gf asked the T for a glass of water.  When the T and I returned to the room, my ex gf had left.  She stopped her T sessions along with couples T saying to me that she didn't feel safe in the situation.  This was either a cop-out or she really felt unsafe dealing with her own emotions and my needs.     

[mywifecrazy]

When I slept in the same bed as her (because for ages I stopped) I asked her if my snooring bothered her and she said no "she felt safe" .

Oooh Myyyyyy Fareeeeeeeking God!

I'll ever forget my uBPDxw saying that to me... .IN THE BEGINNING!

Later on she would always B___ and Moan about it. I even had an operation on my throat to Try to stop snoring.

I was so blind about her and her ... .WAYS. Thank God for BPD Family and the education I'm receiving here!

MWC... .

[eeks]

One person telling another person that she "needs to feel safe" is a statement about her emotional capabilities.  If we were to be purely rational about this, a response would be "We all like to feel safe" and nothing more.  In my experience (and I got the "I need to feel safe" line a lot), a statement like this is almost always followed by some demand that the hearer, the other person in the relationship, take some step to limit his personal freedom.  Stop seeing friends, be home at a certain time, stop talking to certain people, etc., etc.  The relationship then becomes the locus of her efforts (all of which will be futile) to "feel safe."  And it's like feeding a raccoon.  Take one step to limit your personal freedom to help her feel "safe," and she knows she has you.  The demands will never end.    

Interesting.  I have read a few books recently that apply adult attachment styles to couples conflict (Hold Me Tight and Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson, Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin, and Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix) and even though adults are responsible for the way they choose to communicate with their partner (revealing true emotions and making a request, for instance, as opposed to accusations, silent treatment, demanding etc.), all these authors would say that safety is an essential part of adult relationships, we do have to create a safe haven for one another, and what makes each person feel safe is different so couples have to discuss it.

So, to a non-BPD partner, responding "everybody needs to feel safe" could actually spark a very important discussion that could increase intimacy in the relationship.    

The difference of course is that the demands are finite, because the non is capable of the self-awareness to discern their true needs (rather than what the pwBPD might refer to as "needs" which is more like "behaviours in which I require my partner to compensate so they don't trigger me", more like enabling, and when that happens of course it's endless because you're not meeting the person's real needs).  So once the need is met (or at least articulated, which can sometimes be enough), the person can feel calm and go back to what they are doing until something else arises (obviously this requires a commitment to being tuned in to oneself)

[skittles22]

My exBPD would say this ALL the time. When she wasn't around and we had to use text communication, she'd talk about how talking to me made her feel "safe" and that she needed that feeling. It's pretty bizarre, I never even thought about it until now. What's the reason for it?

[Hopeless777]

When I slept in the same bed as her (because for ages I stopped) I asked her if my snooring bothered her and she said no "she felt safe" .

Oooh Myyyyyy Fareeeeeeeking God!

I'll ever forget my uBPDxw saying that to me... .IN THE BEGINNING!

Later on she would always B___ and Moan about it. I even had an operation on my throat to Try to stop snoring.

I was so blind about her and her ... .WAYS. Thank God for BPD Family and the education I'm receiving here!

MWC... .

Dear Lord! That's all I heard for the last two years of thirty. It has to so with their abandonment issues. They need to feel safe emotionally, financially, etc. And you, the non, aren't providing it in their twisted minds. Exit stage left!

[ZeusRLX]

My exBPD would say this ALL the time. When she wasn't around and we had to use text communication, she'd talk about how talking to me made her feel "safe" and that she needed that feeling. It's pretty bizarre, I never even thought about it until now. What's the reason for it?

I guess somebody must have made them feel REALLY unsafe (that and genetics) in their childhood and so now they are longing for that feeling of safety which no human being can provide because it's not the issue of the other person but a personality disorder... .

But they will use that to isolate their partner and make unreasonable emotional/physical/financial requirements.

[DreamerGirl]

I'm a non and I need to feel safe in my relationship.

I've never thought it was an abnormal need to feel this way.  Now upon reading so many opinions, it made me think.

My need to feel safe stems from my childhood, without any doubt.

I never felt safe.  I was always worried that my mother would kill herself and leave me.  My father was an alcoholic and living his own life.  I was very scared as a child.

My mother was very fragile, so I had to be very careful not to upset her and to always reassure her of my love because she felt that she was worthless and nobody loved her.  I did this constantly, because it was the only way I felt I could stop her from leaving me.

Just the insecurity of never feeling I had someone there to look after me, made me deeply anxious inside. 

I now crave someone who can make me feel safe.  Someone I can trust to be strong for me.  Someone to lean on, if I need too.

Writing this down has made me really see that I still haven't found someone who fulfills this need. 

I see why I have, in the early days of my relationship with BPDbf, reacted so strongly to the abandonment when he would just walk off and leave me.  It triggered the worse anxiety which I can now identify that I had as a child.

[Infared]

After being in a relationship with a pwBPD I am the one saying that "I need to feel safe". I have no trust for the opposite sex.

[dobie]

After being in a relationship with a pwBPD I am the one saying that "I need to feel safe". I have no trust for the opposite sex.

Me two infrared I'm going "lone wolf" 

[goateeki]

The difference of course is that the demands are finite, because the non is capable of the self-awareness to discern their true needs (rather than what the pwBPD might refer to as "needs" which is more like "behaviours in which I require my partner to compensate so they don't trigger me"... .

Well put.  Very well put, especially the idea of "behaviors which I require of my partner to compensate... ." In fact, this really is the crux of the problem in a relationship between a borderline and a non, isn't it?  It was for me.   

On the idea of sparking a discussion, there's no way mine could have participated in a discussion about her feelings or needs.  I felt like an idiot when, time after time, she'd accuse me of something, or sulk, or be silent and avoidant, and I'd say to her, "I'd like to talk about our relationship and how you're feeling" and she would either ignore me or say something like "I can't just talk about feelings the way you can."  In twenty years, not once could I get her to be articulate about her feelings, though she was so clearly beset by emotional problems.  I have virtually no contact with her now, but what little we do have is provocative and confusing.  I speak to her like she is an adverse party in litigation, or like a spokesman for the White House would, being very careful and brief and succinct in my language.  Communication about anything has never been her strong suit, and she seems even more limited now. 

[milo1967]

Absolutely. My XW should have it embroidered on her chest. And when I read a letter her adultery partner sent her, guess what it referenced? That she said she felt so safe with him. Same words she used with me. And likely used with every man she'd ever been with before the devaluation commenced. It's a script.

[mgl210]

IMHO, I loved that movie "Gone Girl", it honestly made me realize exactly how much of a true nightmare I was very fortunate to have escaped. It also made me realize that I had failed to see so many       (Well, you get the point).

Regarding, the " I need to feel safe". IME, i can remember the many numerous times that my exfwBPD had told me that she needed to feel safe. I can remember quite vividly tht she told me from the first time we started chatting off the dating website that I had met her. IME that line is the biggest warning that an individual with BPD in their rational state of being can truly offer the prospective mate of what they are getting themselves into.  The sad thing is that there are so many  that we truly either miss them or just try and write them off as little quirks, because we love that person so much.

I could write a book about this subject based on experience, so rather than go on and on and ramble. then I will just say yes its a definite 

<MGL210

[apollotech]

"I need to feel safe"

ZeusRLX,

Rather than making a statement about her feeling safe, was she making a statement about her needing to be able to trust you? Perhaps to not leave her? BPD statements are about their reality, which is plagued with insecurity (fear of "x"). I heard similar statements from my ex, but they were always about trust.