That's rather an insightful post misuniadziubek and I'm really pleased you were able to analyse it in great detail.
The early stages of NC are difficult for anybody and you seem to be handling yourself really well.
One thing I picked up on from your post (having also come through codependency myself) is what you had to say about the small animal. You mentioned about it being very needy and I just wondered if another part of you was looking at that as a replacement given the intensity of your relationship and the sacrifices you have made.
For me personally, I married a pwBPD/NPD and after being divorced for 2 years, ended up in a r/s with another pwBPD. Regardless of the changes I made within myself after the divorce, I was still drawn to exBPDgf because of my own need to rescue and take care of someone who was needy and came across as incapable of taking care of themselves.
You mention in your analysis that you are the puppy and that does make a lot of sense but at the same time you recognise the puppy as being small and needy, almost in a vulnerable state and that could be what draws you in. The truth of the matter which we all seem to miss when we get caught up in these types of relationship, where we make constant sacrifices for the other person, is that we inside, we are much stronger than we believe ourselves to be and taking that step to take care of our own needs can seem like a daunting task but it's a very worthwhile task.
It's your comment about loving it because it needs you that stands out there because it's much more than that. And true to what you are saying, now is the time for you to break free of that need, start to explore what makes you unique and special and spend that time getting to know yourself. Building that love based on wants, desires and achieving the things you want to do in with your life. That's where the real power comes from because you deserve you give yourself that love, care and attention and nobody can ever take that away from you
You know, you are right in part, but there is a reason I said that the puppy is me. It's beautiful and adorable and unconditionally loving and very pure. A puppy would never purposefully hurt you. It is not capable of anger, it is normal for it to make mistakes. It's my relationship with myself. It's my compassion to myself. It's something that I have discovered, a pearl inside, very recently in attempting to rebuild myself while being with my partner.
The neediness is my own internal neediness. When I entered into the relationship with my pwBPD, I was extremely needy. It was something that my ex-bf hadn't been able to fulfill, and yet my pwBPD was capable of it. He made me feel safe for the first 2 months together. I felt like a fragmented broken person and he made me feel like I had some sort of worth and that I was even normal. That was the extremely validating idealisation phase.
And that's the thing. Instead of taking care of that puppy, the moment my pwBPD began to express his own needs and demands, I abandon that innocent baby animal. I abandoned my most deepest needs and sacrificed myself for my pwBPD instead. I ignored the cries and squeals. I put someone else first. As if that could fill the void inside. I'm not just a co-dependent, I'm also a co-narcissist to my mother.
For someone so afraid of abandonment like I was, I sure abandoned myself really quickly.
I wouldn't run to the rescue of someone else so quickly now either. I will do my best to show them the way, but I won't hold their hand for too long. It is not beneficial to me and it breeds codependency.
I feel that sometimes people have to feel the pain of their own decisions. In that same way, if my partner were to message me now, asking to break the NC, I wouldn't budge. This is best. For you. And for me. Nothing will ever change if we go back to old habits.
I am growing. Healing. Loving myself. I'm not abandoning my needs anymore.
I get why you saw that. Because I am a people pleaser. But it's not even a third as intense as it used to be.
