Feelings about being a parent

[PeppermintTea]

So quick recap of my situation:

dBPDh - suicide/ self harm attempts in 2011/2012. Therapy since end of 2012 and progress made (two steps forward, one back kind of progress). We have two daughters together aged 4yrs and 3yrs. He also has a daughter 13 yrs and son 11yrs from previous marriage. The son visits with us. The daughter hasn't visited for over a year (very enmeshed with her own mom and doesn't like her dad, mydBPDh, very much).

Since dBPDh is making progress our relationship is improving and I think the family dynamic is improved. However, I'm now battling constant feelings of not being a good enough parent to our girls. I sometimes shout at them, I sometimes snap in annoyance or I sometimes say I don't want to play. Then in the evening when they are in bed I'm sitting in a state of anxiety about what psychological damage I've done to them during the day.

At one time I was working so hard to limit any damage that dBPDh's behaviour might have been causing them... .now I feel a bit more relaxed about that but wound up tight about myself!

dBPDh firmly traces the roots of his disorder back to the way he was parented (and having met his parents I have to agree with this assessment) - I am so anxious not to damage our children I'm eating myself up inside.

I want to relax into my marriage and into parenting our children. Not sure where to go with this thread really. It's part of me that I need to work on but not sure where to start.

Anyone else?

[Mutt]

Hi PeppermintTea,

I find that I have less patience with my kids when I feel a lot of anxiety and stress. My ex partners behaviors may affect me more one day than another for example because of lack of sleep or putting everyone's needs taking less care of myself and not getting a break. I have kids and I look after their needs and dad does need self-care and downtime. Your kids are very young and close in age, toddlers require a lot of attention and it can be hard work. You have mentioned your family members and not really about you. I also understand you're likely writing your thoughts and looking for a place to start.  What do you do for self-care? Do you get help?

[Panda39]

Hi PeppermintTea,

I wasn't married to someone with BPD (I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw) but was married to an alcoholic so in many ways I had similar issues.  I have described my marriage as me and my 2 sons (1 husband/1 son) I was the only adult in the house and it was exhausting.  Wrongly or rightly I put most of the energy I had into my son and towards the end of my marriage I didn't even put much there due to my own depression... .I was not taking care of myself so could not take care of anyone else.  Sick as this is I was actually excited about having a hysterectomy because finally someone would have to take care of me for awhile! 

I agree with Mutt self care is really important so you don't become overwhelmed and exhausted. Even more important because you have 4 kids in your house so you are totally out numbered   I can hear you now... .but I don't have time for that! I have to take care of everyone else.  It's important to make time, maybe just a 30 minute walk (alone) just to have the space to think and get your energy level up, maybe you go to bed 30 minutes earlier than usual and read, go out with your girlfriends... .whatever floats your boat 

Regarding the kids how about you try something like carving out sometime each day for one child to give them your undivided attention... .do something with the 3 year old one day, 4 year old the next day, 11 year old the next day and 13 year old the next... .take the kids for walks get out of the house, get some sunshine, and talk to them (practice your validation skills) I bet you will start feeling more connected to each other or maybe with the younger ones read to them or take time out to play with them.

Just know you're not alone many of us struggle with balance in our lives too.