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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: My ex is trying to turn my kids against me.  (Read 568 times)
stringbean2015

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« on: June 01, 2015, 10:36:50 PM »

Hi everyone. My ex and I have been separated for almost 2 years. We have one child together and she had two children before from 2 different fathers. I love my two stepchildren as my own, as I have been in there lives since they were two and six years old and their birth fathers are not involved in their lives. We are in a family court process which seems to be taking forever, as they keep getting it adjourned. She displays every characteristic of BPD I have read about. She is vicious and ruthless in the way she talks about me to the children and withheld them from me contrary to our agreement to share time with the children equally. She has no control over her temper, which used to be followed by periods of deep guilt and remorse. Communication with her via email is always laced with blame and she will never admit to anything that she has done. Now my 15 year old has completely taken her side, doesnt come over,  and she has even got him to write a statement for her to bring to court. It is completely filled with lies. Now she is working on my 11 year old. My biological son is 6, and just wants to spend more time at my place, but this is not allowed. She has made outlandish, horrific claims about me, which I think is an attempt to balance out all the terrible truths about her violent behaviour that she brought on me and my children. I have no proof of anything she has done, only my childrens and my experience. The kids are in counselling, but will probably never relay any of these things, as they know how much trouble this would cause them with their mom. From experience, I know how it is just much easier to be on her side so you don't have to deal with the extreme anger that comes along with opposing her.  I have got to a better place with all of this, as this is the only behaviour I expect from her. I just don't understand how a parent could intentionally cause this level of chaos for their kids. I am a very involved, loving father and just want my kids and I to have a fair amount of time together so they can see what life is like in a gentler home environment. I am afraid she will never allow this to happen. Sometimes I feel so alone with this, even though I have a great support network. I think it is hard for anyone to understand what having to deal with someone with BPD is really like without experiencing it. So that is why I am writing this, as it is comforting somehow to hear about other peoples experiences.
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Panda39
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« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2015, 11:57:35 PM »

Hi stringbean2015,

Welcome to the BPD Family. 

What you are describing is Parental Alienation.  My SO's (Significant Other) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) also tried this with him. 

Do you have a temporary custody order in place?  What does that look like?  Has your stbxw (soon to be ex wife) not followed the order? Is there a Custody Evaluator involved in your divorce? Are your kids receiving therapy at all?  You might want to consider that or ask that it be something included in your court order. A therapist can help support the kids, give them coping tools and help them sort out the truth.

Try your best to spend time with the kids that was one of the best antidotes that my SO used. Continue to reach out to them phone calls, email, someone here even communicated with their kids by playing on-line video games.  Even if you can't get past the ex show the kids you are trying.

Start documenting what you can... .when the kids were supposed to be with you and weren't, keep track of the times you reach out to them... .phone calls, email etc.  So that you can show you are making the effort.  If you have emails or text messages of your wife stating that she is withholding visitation.

You might want to get the book Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing by Dr. Richard A. Warshak or look for other books on Parental Alienation.

As an aside there is also good book about divorcing someone with BPD called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger that you might want to checkout.

I know others will be here to welcome you too with other ideas and suggestions.

Hang in there

Panda39
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bravhart1
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« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2015, 12:30:11 AM »

What do you mean by "not allowed", not allowed by her or some court order?

You need to gather your wits, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but you can have a relationship with your son. I'm sorry that she will most likely be able to keep your step children away from you as you have no rights there. But stay and fight for your son. Stay strong and remember that we are here to help.

Read through this stuff it's your best starting off point. The best thing we did, that changed things with our BPDm was to disengage. That needs to be priority one. Focus on your son, not his mother, and read read read... .

Best of luck
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catnap
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« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2015, 11:26:32 AM »

The two books Panda suggested are good resources.

Chances are the reason the older children's father's are not involved is that she pulled something similar as to what you are experiencing. My guess is that all you know about them is what she has told you.  Just thinking that if the other two father's were treated the same way it would show a pattern. 

What is your L's strategy?  Is he/she knowledgeable about high conflict?  Do you have temp orders? 

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ForeverDad
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« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2015, 11:44:11 AM »

Did you adopt her children?  If so then you would have strong standing in court about parenting the stepchildren.  If not, then it depends on your state and court whether they view your years of parenting as basis to order that you be allowed to continue a relationship with them.

Recognizing that, your primary concern should be with your own son.  I know, not an optimal response, I'm not trying to be unfeeling, but that's your priority.  If your court will recognize your years of parenting, then that would be a bonus.

My biological son is 6, and just wants to spend more time at my place, but this is not allowed... .

My son too wanted more time with me, consistently saying that when I had alternate weekends (ages 3-6) and equal time (ages 6-9).  He didn't cave to manipulation until he was 9 and I was seeking custody.  Only then did he say he wanted it 'fair' and '50-50'.  Never words he had used before so I was sure he was coached.

From experience, I know how it is just much easier to be on her side so you don't have to deal with the extreme anger that comes along with opposing her... .I am a very involved, loving father and just want my kids and I to have a fair amount of time together so they can see what life is like in a gentler home environment. I am afraid she will never allow this to happen... .

It is not up to your ex to "never allow this to happen".  You have a separate home, your court will order how much time your son will be with you.  If you can convince the court you need more time due to her uncooperative and obstructive actions, then you may get more.  As I wrote, I'm not sure how much the older stepchildren will be included in the parenting schedule.  But whatever time the children have together with you in a calm, stable and loving home is a wonderful benefit for them.

Living in a calm and stable home will give them a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  So many of us felt we had to stay in a marriage no matter what but sometimes, in cases like ours, that's just not the right thing to do.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  You don't have to feel guilty about ending the dysfunction.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that is - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

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stringbean2015

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« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2015, 08:38:18 PM »

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. We are in a court process but there is no official agreement in place. We tried mediation last year which failed miserably, as the mediator had to withdraw because she could not work with my ex. She unfortunately is unable to write a letter for me for court as she is a government mediator and cannot testify in court unless there was a child safety issue. They have had the court processed adjourned until the fall, so I have filed a notice of motion to have the kids 50/50 over summer break. This should be resolved next week. I did not legally adopt the children. To do this, my daughters biological father would have to be contacted, and there is a really bad history with him and my daughter. This could potentially be very damaging to her if he decided he wanted access again, so that is the reason why this did not happen. I fully intend to fight for my biological son and the other children. I do not have a lawyer at this point but have decided I need to retain one, and she has a free one. I assume that because her lawyer is free, she will continue to go back to court as her stated intention is to "leave me penniless." I think the thing I struggle with the most is that anything I have to bring forward is purely my words. I have no proof or witnesses to back the stories of her erratic behaviour. I am hoping the judge can see through everything. A few years back she told me " that if we broke up and I thought I was going to have anything to do with the kids, I better sleep with one eye open, because she would stab me in the chest while I was sleeping." This is the level of insanity I am dealing with. At this point I have my kids about 25% of the time. I am in Canada, and before trial they try a "family case conference" in front of a judge to see if you can work things out without a trial. It was pretty obvious to the judge that this was not possible. At the end he did tell her that he thought things were way to heavily swayed in her favor, so I am hopeful that things will work out.

I will keep you posted.

StringBean

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livednlearned
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« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2015, 12:38:20 PM »

Hi stringbean2015,

Welcome to the site! I'm glad you shared your story and posted what's going on. You're definitely not alone -- there's many of us here who know what it's like, the particular grief that goes with parenting a child who has a BPD parent. It's not easy.

We are in a family court process which seems to be taking forever, as they keep getting it adjourned.

By they, do you mean the lawyers? If you feel aggravated by the continuances, it's time to tell your lawyer that the continuances have to stop. (You might not be in the US, in which case, it could be different where you live... .) If you're in the US, and I'm speculating this is the same in any country that practices English or Common Law, your lawyer works for you, and if you do not want the hearings postponed, that is something you need to tell your lawyer.

Unfortunately, many of us come to these boards with a long history of being doormats. We have to learn to be assertive and tell our lawyers what is and isn't acceptable. This is a job for them, and if it's convenient to move one client here in order to handle another client, they will do that without a second thought. You need to light a fire under your L and make sure under no circumstances will there be continuances, if that's what the problem is. Your ex will get the upper hand by keeping things status quo so that you don't have the higher authority of the court to use as your boundary.

Excerpt
Now my 15 year old has completely taken her side, doesnt come over,  and she has even got him to write a statement for her to bring to court. It is completely filled with lies. Now she is working on my 11 year old. My biological son is 6, and just wants to spend more time at my place, but this is not allowed. She has made outlandish, horrific claims about me, which I think is an attempt to balance out all the terrible truths about her violent behaviour that she brought on me and my children. I have no proof of anything she has done, only my childrens and my experience. The kids are in counselling, but will probably never relay any of these things, as they know how much trouble this would cause them with their mom. From experience, I know how it is just much easier to be on her side so you don't have to deal with the extreme anger that comes along with opposing her.  I have got to a better place with all of this, as this is the only behaviour I expect from her.



There are two ways to deal with this. One is through the courts, and one is through the hearts. Unfortunately, with the older kids, you may have very limited say in how much time you have with them. I highly recommend reading "Understanding the BPD Mother" by Christine Lawson to understand what the kids are going through. Often, they will do anything necessary in order to deflect the raging, and it sounds like that's what they are doing. I don't know what I would do in your situation, especially in terms of the 15 year old. My instinct is to write a letter saying you understand why he is saying things that you know are not true, but it's hard to say how that might help/harm him. Have you thought about doing a consultation with Dr. Craig Childress? Other parents on the board have been doing this. He offers consultations through his blog: drcachildress.org and has a lot of helpful material on his site about parental alienation.

For your son, read everything you can about validation. We have a really good section on validation in Lesson 5 on the Coparenting board about raising an emotionally resilient child: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459




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stringbean2015

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« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2015, 12:22:38 AM »

Alright, I have an update. After court getting pushed back to the fall, I filed a notice of motion for summer access. She tried to tell a judge there were safety issues at my home. All of them were ridiculous claims. The judge was having none of it, and granted me 50/50 for the summer holidays. Hopefully this will set some precedent, and when we head to court in September/October, the judge will see through all the rest of her lies. Flying high this week, and the kids are super stoked as well!
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2015, 02:02:13 AM »

Equal time in a temp order is good for a father, too often fathers are defaulted to alternate weekends in temp orders.  I was - for 2 years. :'(

What about school?  Who is Residential Parent for School Purposes?  Do you live near enough to her to continue the 50/50 schedule?  If you an manage to be assigned as the RP and you parents don't live in the same school district then the judge would not be inclined to reduce your time during the school year.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2015, 10:25:51 AM »

The judge was having none of it, and granted me 50/50 for the summer holidays. Hopefully this will set some precedent, and when we head to court in September/October.

This is really promising! Like FD said, temporary orders tend to become permanent orders. Judges like to keep things status quo for the kids -- the less change the better so they can experience a routine and adjust to the new normal.

Have you thought about asking for primary custody in the fall when you go back?
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stringbean2015

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« Reply #10 on: June 16, 2015, 12:01:38 AM »

We live in the same town of 6000 people, so a 50/50 split for the rest of the year will be easy. Just need the judge to agree. Both judges so far (1 at family case conference, and this one) seemed like they weren't going to listen to any of the b.s., so heres hoping. I have decided to get a lawyer for trial, even though it will be hard financially, and hope this can just get done. I would like to ask for primary custody, but it is a bit complicated with two of the kids being stepchildren. It is something I will discuss with the lawyer when we meet next week though.
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bravhart1
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« Reply #11 on: June 16, 2015, 12:01:54 AM »

Awesome string bean!

Way to get it done. You make  showing your kids the peaceful home you built in your dreams a reality. The rest will follow.
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« Reply #12 on: June 16, 2015, 12:59:33 AM »

www.paawareness.org/

There are some resources on the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization

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ForeverDad
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« Reply #13 on: June 16, 2015, 07:25:57 AM »

Well, it is probably better to (proactively) ask and not get it all rather than (passively) accept typical outcomes and probably get less.  At the very least it ought to demonstrate to the court that you are and want to continue to be a very involved parent.  By not reaching out for more you could send a message to the court that you're okay with ex calling most of the shots.

If you haven't adopted your stepchildren, then your options for seeking custody of them or included in your parenting schedule may be very limited.  Yes, it would be nice to keep the children together more, but if they are her legal responsibility then that would be a hurdle.  Are their fathers involved in any way and if so, would they support you getting more time or would they step in too?  Good solid local legal advice is crucial.  Get a few legal consultations from family law attorneys, see what actual strategies they would have.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2015, 11:40:09 AM »

Like FD said, it's likely you do not have any legal claim to the step kids. Definitely ask for primary custody of your bio child -- that should be a given. If the lawyer tries to talk you out of it, chalk it up to a lawyer who does not have much experience with BPD. Biases toward the mother is fairly entrenched, and lawyers will talk dads out of asking for what they think it's best. Even if you do not get primary, it won't cost you more to ask for more, if that makes sense. Ask for what you think is best. From a strictly negotiation tactic, that also gives the judge some room to rule down the middle. Judges don't like for one parent to "win" and they seem to rule by compromise even in the face of horrendous evidence.

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