contacting an ex of my ex

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I know this is a terrible idea, but I've been dwelling on it so I thought I'd just leave it here. 

My exgf never talked much about her past relationships, which I always found odd. I'm very open and will happily talk about such things, I don't care if my gfs talk about exs -- I'm not threatened and it helps me learn about them. When I talked casually about my most recent exgf (before BPDexgf) early on in our involvement, I was accused of being "still involved" with her. In fact the first fight we ever has was about exactly this, and became a kind of obsession for her from that point on.  When we started dating she told me that I'm the first person she's loved in over three years. I wanted to know what happened in her previous "love" relationship but she was always evasive. It was this big deal relationship with major plans that ended in some dramatic way (maybe?) and she was in a severe depression for a year or so afterward. She eluded to his deceptions and "finding out things about him" but was never specific. She talked about her darkness and finding light, all of the transformative work she did to heal herself.  She met me and felt she was ready to love again. I guess that's the "white knight" business?

So in the destruction of our breakup, I got unhealthfully fixated on this relationship because I thought "holy s***, I bet what happened then is similar to what's happening now."  I was desperate for answers. I'm pretty sure I figured out who this guy is given the few bits of information she gave me.  I'm not going to write him, but a la chingada I want to.

I'm curious if this vagueness and evasiveness about past relationships is common for BPD. 

[zipline]

I know this is a terrible idea, but I've been dwelling on it so I thought I'd just leave it here. 

My exgf never talked much about her past relationships, which I always found odd. I'm very open and will happily talk about such things, I don't care if my gfs talk about exs -- I'm not threatened and it helps me learn about them. When I talked casually about my most recent exgf (before BPDexgf) early on in our involvement, I was accused of being "still involved" with her. In fact the first fight we ever has was about exactly this, and became a kind of obsession for her from that point on.  When we started dating she told me that I'm the first person she's loved in over three years. I wanted to know what happened in her previous "love" relationship but she was always evasive. It was this big deal relationship with major plans that ended in some dramatic way (maybe?) and she was in a severe depression for a year or so afterward. She eluded to his deceptions and "finding out things about him" but was never specific. She talked about her darkness and finding light, all of the transformative work she did to heal herself.  She met me and felt she was ready to love again. I guess that's the "white knight" business?

So in the destruction of our breakup, I got unhealthfully fixated on this relationship because I thought "holy s***, I bet what happened then is similar to what's happening now."  I was desperate for answers. I'm pretty sure I figured out who this guy is given the few bits of information she gave me.  I'm not going to write him, but a la chingada I want to.

I'm curious if this vagueness and evasiveness about past relationships is common for BPD. 

[WhatJustHappened?]

I think about that too. I know who my ex's husband is and could contact him. For me, it would do absolutely no good except stir the hornet's nest. I was told they were separated but I am not so sure about that anymore.

I was close to calling him but as I don't know him, was concerned about the outcome. I'm also still quite angry and the other fear I have is learning things that I don't want to learn. Like how much of a chump I've been and possibly how I have hurt him.

Even if my curiosity was satisfied, then what? Nothing would change.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Guys,

   Personal opinion so take it for what it's worth... .

Not a great idea to contact an ex if you don't know them already.  In my case, my ex talks to all her exes so you never know if they who were scorned but still in contact might start a problem for you, even if it's not intentional.

Now on the other hand I have met my exes ex. I also have met my exes ex's ex (follow me)?

And I can say with confidence:

The ex only dated her a year but... .

Same push pull stuff, circular arguments and she was left twice... .for exes (including an ex I was left for years later).

She also told this ex the same disturbing line: if I was a man I'd pee a circle around you (territorial).

Creepy, right.

I also found out she lied about their relationship and embellished stories to make her look like a hero. There were a lot of lies.

Now from the exes exes ex... .She told me her ex was devastated when my ex cheated on her several times even leaving her in another state.

She said years later she caught her ex and my ex texting each other with fake phone names.

Guys, as much as it hurts to be rejected they really don't change. The stories might be different but a dishonest liar and cheat is always a dishonest liar and cheat.

I hope my story gives you a little closure when it comes to exes.

PW

[parisian]

Zipline I think you answered this question yourself:  'I bet what happened then is similar to what's happening now'

In response to you also asking if vagueness/evasiveness is common, yes and no.

Some will badmouth or villianize their last partner - unreasonably paint them as abusive, or tell lies about what really happened.

My exgf BPD was extremely evasive and vague about her past relationships. She told me her last relationship of 8 years ended because her ex partner had thought that 'she was a bit negative'. In reality, no one ends a long term relationship of 8 years because the other person is 'a bit negative'. My ex never told me what her role was in that it - ie. whether she thought that was true, whether she thought she was actually negative, or any other comments on her role in the breakup or her behaviour during their r/s. And that of course is because they can't talk about their own behaviour because they won't own it as it is too painful.

She never talked about any of her previous relationships except telling me that insight (above), and then suggesting she was a mix of friends and not with former people she would 'consider' having been in a relationship with. She never said how many that was. I figured she had two 'longer term' relationships, but the first one was relegated to hell, and I watched as she triangulated between me and the ex during the start of our relationship (ie. being in contact with her still, wanting to catch up with her for coffee)

When I called off our relationship over 9 months ago now, she described it as 'we just weren't right for each other' and I'm pretty sure that's how she will present it to the world also. In reality, we weren't right for each other because she has a serious mental illness, and didn't tell me and I couldn't cope with her appalling behaviour. That way she doesn't have to take responsibility for how she acted, nor does she lose face by not letting people know that I was the one who called it off. It's such a vague way to present things. That is typical with BPD. Unlike normal healthy people who can reflect on their own shortcomings in a relationship, BPD can never do that.

Interestingly, I also knew my exe's ex, and ran into her one day and asked if she wanted to catch up for a coffee. She politely declined but I put it down to some 'protectionism' type behaviour that her ex and their group of joint friends had. I am sure they knew my ex had BPD but keep it a closely guarded secret... .

[leftconfused]

My exuBPDbf had a discussion about exes early in the relationship.  He was married once years ago to a girl I went to elementary school with and Im really good friends with her cousin (grew up in a small town).  He told me they divorced because she went behind his back and was cheating on him for months.  The last girl before me he told me that they were at a bar, he called her a C*** and took off in her car and left her at the bar.  I was surprised he admitted this.  The girl before that all he would say is it just didn't work out.     I said huh?  What do you mean?  He would not elaborate and that got my suspicions up.

Long story short as the relationship progressed and I began to call him on his abusive behaviors he went on to tell me that he had never behaved with anyone else like this and our relationship was too stressful.  Again... .  

So, I like you, months after it ended was desperate for validation.  I needed to know this was not my fault and I was not the only one he abused.  He repeatedly lied to me and told me he was NEVER abusive to his ex wife.  Well, I was friends with her sister growing up.  She was in my grade.  His ex was a couple years younger than me so I never really knew her well.  

I contacted his ex-wifes sister on FB and shared my story with her.  I asked her if she had any insight to any abuse with her sister.  She replied back and told me that he was extremely emotionally and at times physically abusive.  She also told me that he cheated on her and not the other way around.  I was floored.  But I tell you what, I am so glad I did it.  It completely validated me and I knew I was not crazy and that this was his pattern.

In my case it wasn't as awkward since I knew her.  I don't know if I would have done the same if I didn't know her.  Regardless of what you decide, I can pretty much tell you, you already know what you are going to hear.  Try to give yourself that validation.

[zipline]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It is so helpful to read them. I'm not interested in contacting this person. I don't know him, nor him me. I have wanted to reach out to her friends, her family, (her exbf), but I haven't. NC has been a daily struggle, but I'm almost 2 months out and feeling better everyday. To contact her in this or any way would be an embarrassing display of lack of self worth with I'm sure disastrous results.   

My ex's behavior, attitudes, or beliefs, past or present, do not define me or hold the key to my emotional well-being. In the wake in the break up I was desperate for validation. But this validation will never come from her or her associates.

[JRT]

My ex was also incredibly vague about how her previous relationships worked out and low on specifics about why she had broke up. One was 'abusive' (but not physically... .huh?)... .the other smoked too much pot and flirted with other women... .the last one was 'controlling'.

I could have pressed her on these but suspected that doing so would have resulted in less benefit than the effort would have yielded so I just didn't. In the final analysis, it is very clear that there really was not a good reason. Like me, these men were guilty only of giving her the love that she very desperately sought but her fear of engulfment/abandonment made the final choice on her behalf.

When we first started dating, we had a very minor disagreement after which she admitted, 'I suck at relationships'. That just about sums it up.

[cosmonaut]

How would contacting him help you to heal?  If you are fixated on him, how would indulging that work to correct it?  Isn't it better to look for the root cause of this fixation?  Are you feeling inferior to him?  Are you wondering if she loved him more?  Those would not be uncommon fears at all.  We see them very often here.  I have had similar thoughts in my healing in regards to my own ex.  I've wondered why she was able to marry someone else, but didn't marry me.  That used to hurt me very badly and I also wondered what was so wrong with me - why wasn't I good enough to make the cut.  I think what you will finally come to see, however, is that it really wasn't us.  The failure of the relationship did not happen because we weren't good enough.  It was a product of the disorder.  The goal now is to identify why we are feeling so destroyed by the end of this relationship.  What was going on under the surface?  What might we have been getting from the relationship that was so important to our own identity?  Why is our self worth so caught up in the relationship?   

My ex's behavior, attitudes, or beliefs, past or present, do not define me or hold the key to my emotional well-being. In the wake in the break up I was desperate for validation. But this validation will never come from her or her associates.

Yep.  You're on the right track.   

[zipline]

Yep.  You're on the right track.   

Thanks. Feels like it, finally. Sharing my and reading about others' experiences on this board helped me immeasurably.