Despite everything, I still love my BP wife and I want to be ok with that

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am stuck in a recurring theme that I cannot internally reconcile.

I know my wife deeply loves me and cares about me (I am 100% sure) and yet still has been extraordinarily callous, insensitive and emotionally abusive.  I am also sure that much of this has been consciously intentional. 

I cannot internally reconcile her “split” way of being and especially not the logic she uses to justify her negative behavior.  Each time I try to lovingly reconcile my mind of her feelings for me and behaviors towards me, I come up with illogical logic.  Something akin to; she is a caring and loving person with an untreated disorder that made her be abusive to me and then betray the marriage and leave it in order for her to feel safe.

I still love my wife, no shame in admitting my feelings and no sense in denying their truth!  I am not in denial that we are coming to an end but I am angry and feel deeply betrayed and I cannot quite get ok with it all.

My gut tells me that to let go of her I just need to find a way to acknowledge that “I love her” and “be at peace” with that despite everything.  But I cannot find the right words to straighten out the circular illogic so that it has an ending point from which I can exit and move on. 

How do I complete this sentence?

“I know I love her and that she loves me but  . . . ?

[joeramabeme]

I am stuck in a recurring theme that I cannot internally reconcile.

I know my wife deeply loves me and cares about me (I am 100% sure) and yet still has been extraordinarily callous, insensitive and emotionally abusive.  I am also sure that much of this has been consciously intentional. 

I cannot internally reconcile her “split” way of being and especially not the logic she uses to justify her negative behavior.  Each time I try to lovingly reconcile my mind of her feelings for me and behaviors towards me, I come up with illogical logic.  Something akin to; she is a caring and loving person with an untreated disorder that made her be abusive to me and then betray the marriage and leave it in order for her to feel safe.

I still love my wife, no shame in admitting my feelings and no sense in denying their truth!  I am not in denial that we are coming to an end but I am angry and feel deeply betrayed and I cannot quite get ok with it all.

My gut tells me that to let go of her I just need to find a way to acknowledge that “I love her” and “be at peace” with that despite everything.  But I cannot find the right words to straighten out the circular illogic so that it has an ending point from which I can exit and move on. 

How do I complete this sentence?

“I know I love her and that she loves me but  . . . ?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey joe-

How about

“I know I love her and that she loves me but

she has a personality disorder that makes an ongoing relationship unsustainable, I'm sometimes subjected to behavior that is unacceptable, and I can still love her but not be with her, let her go with love."  Could something like that be something you could live with?

[Hopeless777]

This is the first thing I said to our MC before splitting a year later: "I know we love each other, I'm just not sure we can live together anymore." This was after 25 years of faithfulness. I guess I'm a prophet. I still love her... .I just never want to see or hear from her again.

[joeramabeme]

Hey joe-

How about “I know I love her and that she loves me but she has a personality disorder that makes an ongoing relationship unsustainable, I'm sometimes subjected to behavior that is unacceptable, and I can still love her but not be with her, let her go with love."  Could something like that be something you could live with?

HeeltoHeal: Given my oft frantic state of mind once i have read 2 or more posts out here, I had neglected to think about your screen name.  I LOVE IT! Cheers!

Yes, this is a very thoughtful message that accurately captures how I would like to internally hold what has happened.  Thank you!

Additionally, I haven't seen the following posted out here but, I think we all need "elevator speeches" for when we are asked about what has happened or is happening in our marriages or relationships. 

For those who have never heard the term "elevator speech" it is intended to be a metaphor for what would you tell someone if you were trying to get a job and only had enough time to ride the elevator with them to make an impression.

I mention this because I see friends who ask how I am doing and have found myself rambling and muttering about BPD.  I realize part way through my response that I am giving too much detail that I can't explain clearly and am confusing my friend.  I walk away feeling overwhelmed, confused and embarrassed.  How did I just mess up a simple question like "how are you?".

I am going to guess that after listening to my disjointed explanations about BPD (which they aren't going to understand) my friend probably thinks that I am the one who needs help! 


So, in addition to my own internal elevator speech that I can repeat like a mantra when my mind wants to get carried away with "how did I get to this place"; i also have an exBPD elevator speech that can be used without overwhelming the caring friend and also leaves them with an opportunity to ask more or say nothing more and allows me to feel comfortable with what I have said.

This pre-prepared speech also helps me keep my responses honest and genuine which is important for me to be sure that I don't perpetuate my own denial by telling a half-truth so that things don't seem so bad. Of course, each elevator speech would be appropriately adjusted to match the level of closeness you had with the friend.  In general, I am open in a way that gives someone an opportunity to ask more or not.

For instance; friend who knows I am in process of divorce asks; How is it going at home and how are you handling it? 

My response: I am learning that there were issues that emanated from outside our marriage that were interfering with our marriage.  It seems that we were unable to work this through even though I would have liked to.  I am still working on accepting all this.

If they want to know more:

My Response: There were levels of trust that we came up against that created a lot of conflict and misunderstanding.  Getting close to one another was difficult and there was a lot of friction that I tried to accept all the responsibility for.  I finally got to a place where I really wanted to address this so we could be closer but was unable to.

Don't know if this helps anyone or if they had the same thoughts. 

Just sharing what is helping me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey joe-

Elevator speeches, nice topic.  To me they kind of tie into boundary preservation, depending on whom I'm talking to, an area I've been working on, since work was clearly needed.

I have a blurb I tell people, never called it an elevator speech, but it would be one: "I just got out of a relationship with someone with a mental illness that I didn't know about, I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and what I need from you right now is compassion, empathy and validation."  Not something you say to the checker at the corner store, but for people who care about me, that's it in a nutshell.

[joeramabeme]

"I just got out of a relationship with someone with a mental illness that I didn't know about, I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and what I need from you right now is compassion, empathy and validation."

WOW!  That is awesome, you even take it a step further and ask for what you need!  That is not something I excel at but will incorporate that language into my elevator speech.

Not something you say to the checker at the corner store, but for people who care about me, that's it in a nutshell.

I did start in on the clerk one day, and she was really really nice and asked if I would like to have a cup of coffee!  She is married and just being a friend.  But yes, I agree, the clerk is not the person for this talk.

Thank you! 

You used the term "mental illness".  I have been starting to lean away from that viewpoint in favor of character trait.  In the interest of my understanding and recovering; can you elaborate how you see it?  The reason I have leaned away from the term is because I don't think it can be medicated away, I see it as a part of what their character is all about.  I recently posted a thread about this topic titled "BPD: "disorder" or "Character Trait".  One of the respondents referred me to another similar thread from November 2014 that was a very enlightening discussion about this very topic.  Not sure if it is of any interest to you but I am finding a deep need to fully understand What the heck just happened (that should be my screen name)

Joe

[fromheeltoheal]

You used the term "mental illness".  I have been starting to lean away from that viewpoint in favor of character trait.  In the interest of my understanding and recovering; can you elaborate how you see it?  The reason I have leaned away from the term is because I don't think it can be medicated away, I see it as a part of what their character is all about.  I recently posted a thread about this topic titled "BPD: "disorder" or "Character Trait".  One of the respondents referred me to another similar thread from November 2014 that was a very enlightening discussion about this very topic.  Not sure if it is of any interest to you but I am finding a deep need to fully understand What the heck just happened (that should be my screen name)

Borderline personality disorder is classified as a mental illness by the folks who know such things, specifically a Cluster B personality disorder, and that has nothing to do with whether it's treatable with medication or not, it's a matter of someone exhibiting a specific set of behavioral traits pervasively, and it's often comorbid (existing simultaneously) with other cluster B disorders like NPD and ASPD.

But really it's part of my elevator speech because it causes people to be curious about what's up with her and for a little shock value, and if they ask I'll tell a little bit, but it's not about her anymore, hasn't been for quite a while, it's about me and what I need from people moving forward and I make that clear.

There's a book called 'Search For The Real Self: Unmasking The Personality Disorders Of Our Age' by Masterson that is a fantastic read, and goes into the genesis of BPD and NPD from a clinical perspective, but accessible for the novice, the lights came on for me in a big way regarding her, but beyond that he discusses the normal development of a child, the Real Self as opposed to a false self as he puts it, very beneficial and enlightening for all of us.  Recommended.