20 year marriage ending

[Camel]

Married 20 years. Pregnancy initiated. She younger by 9 years.

Nice start. Quickly fell apart. She diagnosed with bi polar 1 disorder four years ago. Refused treatment. Pathological lies. Adultery. Constant credit card and money abuse. Negligent parenting behaviors like leaving toddlers locked in basements. Filthy home. Couldn't hold job. Home for 16 of the years. Drug abuse. Alcoholism. Suicide attempts. Blamed me.Very popular, charming and beautiful. Mother of the year. Victim of a lifetime. Denies everything. Blamed me. Older kids volunteer to testify. She continues to blast me. Posts pictures on Facebook of new, latest, boyfriend. References to me abusing her. List could go on.

Fair balance. I yelled at her when she did stupid things. Begged her to stop. Pointed out her flaws in front of kids. Ignored her. Withdrew. Depressed. Ended up voluntarily in hospital for treatment of MDD. A very tragic ending.

I have recovered. Moved on. In relationship with healthy and wonderful gal. Kids adore her. Got my job back. In good physical condition. Taking back home. Kids rallied to my side. Desperately hoping that 'mom gets help'. Placed kids in therapy.

Here's where I need help. I still love her. I still want to help her. I don't want to get back together. That madness ended months ago, although I still feel a desire to have sex with her. New partner better. Moving back to community where she is. Very popular 'party girl'. Again, very successful at keeping her image intact with most. Terrified of exposure. Still contacts me under the guise of the kids, than rips me a new one for an hour. Loves to tell me that she is the happiest she's been in her life. Cries tears of joy now that I am gone. Contradicts every thing. Fabricates wild stories. Lies. Contradicts... 'I am filing an order of abandonment against you', while my kids are with me. Etc

The marriage was crap. I just wanted her to be honest. She never was. Couldn't leave cuz I wouldn't leave kids with her. In the five months since I ran for the hills in shame she has disappeared. Never home. When she is. Screams at kids. Lays in bed. Other parents called to find her. Dropped off drunk. Brings new friends in who think she is the greatest thing etc. Again, our kids have had it with the charade.

How do I survive this?

Anyway,any advice would be welcome. Thanks

[once removed]

hey camel and welcome to the family.

im sorry youre going through this. twenty years is a very long time  

that was a really great move on your part, getting your kids into therapy. thats going to go a long way in terms of a neutral party helping them understand the situation, and learning skills to cope. are you also seeing a therapist?

i recommend you check out the lessons on both leaving and staying boards since you have a coparenting relationship:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

you may want to check out the coparenting board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=9.0

as well as bpdfamily suggested reading. there are several you may find useful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56280.0

and keep posting and checking out the board. youve come to the right place and we are here to help