Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:58:55 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: For the first time I feel like the jerk...  (Read 532 times)
mrwigand
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 147


« on: June 21, 2015, 03:04:32 PM »

Had a really contentious interaction with my dBPDexgf the other day, and it really had me feeling very cruddy, mainly because I feel like I legitimately overstepped my bounds.

My ex still owes me some money from when I bailed her out of jail, and maintaining communication because of that has been problematic, and I probably have as much to do with that as her. What can I say, it’s an awkward situation and she tends to have very extreme reaction to how I’ve “handled” things, even though I’ve tried to collect the money from her in as cordial and unobtrusive a manner as possible.

The last time I had seen and spoke to my ex we were actually on good terms, but I got the impression that she went out of her way to bring her new relationship to my attention (she told me she just wanted to show me some pictures of a costume party she went to, and she ended up showing me just a bunch of pictures of her and new boyfriend). From my perspective, that seemed like poor boundaries on her part, but I didn’t lash out at her or anything. I just told her after it happened that I had an emotional reaction to seeing that and that considering that I think I still needed some space for myself-that I cared about her but I needed the space because it was the less painful option for me at this point. Because of that I asked her if the next time she paid me back some money if she could just send me a check in the mail. She never responded to that email, but I didn’t read too much into that.

About a month or so later, I tried to send her a nice email asking if she could pay me back some money at the start of the next month. She didn’t respond for days, so I eventually texted her, said hi and asked her if she saw my email regarding the email Her response. “Yep.” Okay… I asked her if she could do that time frame. Response: “Yep.”

I thanked her and asked if she could send the check to my address. At first she asked my why she couldn’t just hand it to me, but before I could respond she politely but roundly refused to do anything other than hand me the check. I told her why I preferred it that way, that I wasn’t upset or trying to hurt her, just that it would be more helpful to me if that were possible. I told her that I had been very accommodating to her schedule in terms of paying me back and that I would appreciate if she could accommodate me in this regard and she texted me back something to the effect of: “There’s been accommodation by both parties. I’ve had to accommodate your frequent miscommunication and mixed messages in this endeavor.” Nothing too harsh, but I have to admit I did react sensitively to her words.

Also, at this point she started reverting back to this tone of “I just want to pay you back so you can be fully removed from my life.” That’s a sentiment that I think is perfectly fair on her part, but I definitely was hurt by the tone, not even necessarily rationally. I just was.

I eventually relented on her handing me the money in person, but I asked if in the future we could iron out the details over email (she might have thought that was a weird request, but at this point I had secretly given over control of my email to a close friend so someone else could interact with her about the details of the money… I know that’s a bit of a juvenile ploy, but after some of the strained communication with my ex I just gotten to the point where I wanted an invisible intermediary Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).

Well, she never responded to that request. So after all that, feeling like she had dodged me on the initial email, wasn’t respecting my boundaries in regards to just mailing me the money, ignoring my communication, I was upset. Maybe not even fairly so, but I was upset. And in that frame of mind I made a mistake. I texted her later and basically tried to pick a fight.

I asked her if she was upset about anything, and she said she wasn’t. But I didn’t let it go – I basically said, “Okay, well you ignored my initial email about this, didn’t seem to have any intention of responding to me regarding email communication, and you said some pointed things about my “miscommunication”. She got really upset and told me she didn’t appreciate me trying to force a conversation, accused me of being passive aggressive.

I immediately felt pretty bad because I realized I hadn’t respected her boundaries on the issue, and I apologized and told her it wouldn’t happen again. She ended the conversation by saying, “I have nothing to discuss with you other than the payments, so let’s just exist on that civil plane.” The tone of that comment stung me, but I think that’s just because I’m pretty sensitive Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). In truth, I obviously think that’s a fair position on her part, and it’s obviously for the best.

I sent her a text the next morning apologizing for my behavior and told her I would respect her boundaries on everything in the future. She didn’t respond to that, but I didn’t expect her to (although as pathetic as it might sound I was hoping she would validate my apology, even though I didn’t think she owed that to me in any regard).

So, I don’t know. I felt really bad about the situation for a couple of days, but I talked to some friends and my therapist about it and I’m feeling a little better. A big thing I’m still struggling with regarding the end of the relationship is the part where I have to look to myself for “forgiveness” and validation. Specifically, I have to become more comfortable with forgiving myself and validating myself after times like that when I feel like I apologized to the best of my ability, and I know I won’t get any kind of reassurance or validation from her.

Also, after speaking to my friends and therapist it’s easier to put things in perspective, in terms of not beating myself for lashing out one time when she’s subjected me to a lot more painful and unnecessarily hurtful behavior (and her current behavior I don't think helped things either).

I know I need to look to myself for validation, but I was wondering if anyone here could relate to being in a position where you felt you acted poorly, and if it was difficult for you that your ex wouldn't acknowledge your attempts to make amends?

Logged
Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2015, 04:08:13 PM »

Oh gosh I relate!

I don't even know where to start!

How about me always holding myself to really strict standards of almost perfect behavior while making excuses for him?  Beating up on myself for one boundary breaking behavior of mine, but excusing and justifying his?

Yes, I acted poorly at times.  When I did, it was magnified... .By both him AND myself!  No wonder our darn MC couldn't identify the PD traits!

I imagine this is how our r/s lasted so long serving a function.  Because we both punished ME for issues.  It was always my designated responsibility to "fix" the r/s, do damage control, help him reconnect after wks of ST.  Crap... .wasn't it all my fault?  For a darn while there... .That is what we both believed!  My goodness... .all he does is mirror me often... .so if I'm acting responsible... .isn't it still my fault?

Ok... .rant done!

Yes... .

A missing feature in my r/s was that I felt unappreciated.  I felt that I worked my butt off... .Much of it unnoticed... .Much I didn't expect anyone to notice... .But when there were blatantly obvious benefits that I contributed... .I did want SOME sort of minor notice for it!

Even in MC... .  MC just pretty much helped me to accept this role of the "r/s repairer."

Crap... .How am I supposed to feel loved when I always feel like I'm dragging him to behave sanely.  I feel like I am going through insane measures to try to get him to behave sane... .behave productive to the r/s!

*sigh*

Eh... I guess I'm having a bit of a day today.

I didn't realize.

Well... .I hope something in my ranting is actually useful for you!

I do not believe you are alone at all!

I think you are denying part of your experience to cope.  You are being strong, responsible, considering her,... .  And seem a bit guilty to be less than perfect in an almost impossible situation.
Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2015, 04:16:46 PM »

You have done HER a favor.  Lent HER money... .And gosh... .she is manipulating you ba cause she has something you want.  She is behaving badly... .all over the place.  You do one misstep

... .and well... .let's stop short and now zoom in on this moment?

Just last wk... .  My ex said he came across some things of mine...   Did I want them back?  I actually did.  I also had a check of his that came in the mail.  He offered to come to my place to drop off my things.  I stated that I wouldn't be home for that, but rather on the road to somewhere, so best I just slip it under his door... .as leaving a check out was not good.  (He couldn't argue with this... .even tho I know he wanted an in person exchange). So he left the stuff on his doorstep for me... (he was home, car there... .he is NPD more... .so more worried about looking like he needs no one vs needy) I left his check and txtd him it was there.

I know he was pissed I took over the details of the interaction... .and it wasn't done on his terms.  I also know he was pissed that I pretty much "rejected" him by my approach. (Although it really wasn't my intention)

Oh well.  It got done.
Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2015, 04:21:34 PM »

Yes... .

I always wish he could see that my behavior was always filled with good intentions.  I wish he could really understand how hard I tried.  I wish he could somehow validate something that let me know he actually sees the true me ... .instead of the person he wants to project onto.

*sigh*

(I must be hypoglycemic or something at this moment... .I don't usually have this much vent in me... .ok... .done venting now!)
Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
blissful_camper
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 611



« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2015, 01:32:09 AM »

Yes, ex was unable to acknowledge apologies from me, verbal or written ones. He seems to see goodwill as a sign of weakness. I'd not encountered that perspective in an r/s before. It certainly made healthy communication challenging. I'm so glad that's behind me.
Logged
BorisAcusio
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 671



« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2015, 02:57:48 AM »

Yes, ex was unable to acknowledge apologies from me, verbal or written ones. He seems to see goodwill as a sign of weakness. I'd not encountered that perspective in an r/s before.

I'm glad that you brought this up. In my expereince, apologies were justifying her aggressive impulses on me, as it was her chance to finally elimate the perceived persecutory/unworthy object. Normally, people would refrain from kicking somone on the ground, not encouraged by that fact.
Logged
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2015, 04:18:05 AM »

Yes, ex was unable to acknowledge apologies from me, verbal or written ones. He seems to see goodwill as a sign of weakness. I'd not encountered that perspective in an r/s before.

I'm glad that you brought this up. In my expereince, apologies were justifying her aggressive impulses on me, as it was her chance to finally elimate the perceived persecutory/unworthy object. Normally, people would refrain from kicking somone on the ground, not encouraged by that fact.

This is what I experienced as well at the end of the relationship. When she was backed by new replacement.  This vicious, aggressive person appeared who I had never met... .it was quite bewildering and painful.
Logged
Aussie0zborn
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 803



« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2015, 05:27:00 AM »

Wow you are really messed up. You need to get over it. PwBPD are very good at causing trouble and when you pull them up on it it's all your fault because you are making them feel bad.

When they cheat on you, it's all your fault because you didn't tell them how beautiful/handsome they are when you woke up that morning. The fact that you slept in and were late for work is irrelevant - and in fact, such a defence is an actual admission on your part that you didn't say it and therefore an admission of guilt. Can you see where I'm going with this? This is what you have allowed yourself to get caught up in but don't be feeling like a jerk - you're not.

You can cut your losses and forget the money - it will save you a lot of grief and speed up your recovery. Better still, ask a lawyer to handle it. Asking your friend to handle your email is a good idea while you are so fragile.

Keep away from her - she is too toxic and you're way too fragile right now. Is the money really worth you becoming more fragile? You realise she is enjoying this, right? I somehow dont think you are enjoying it so maybe you can step out of the boxing ring - trying to win this round is going to cost you more emotionally. Do you really need that grief right now?
Logged
lm911
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 189


« Reply #8 on: June 22, 2015, 05:50:18 AM »

This is one of the hardest aspects of dealing after a break up with a borderline - feeling guilty.

Guilty for not saying the rights words, guilty for not being good enough, guilty for not respecting her boundaries, guilty for the fact you have caused her this emotional mess.

In moments I am struggling with this too, but listen to me- you cannot win with a damaged/dysfunctional individual. Whatever you do - she is gooing to blame you, because this is easier for her, otherwise she has to blame herself and this will lead to suicide attempt. So don't feel guilty and don't worry about her - she will survive. She always has.
Logged
mrwigand
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 147


« Reply #9 on: June 22, 2015, 10:27:16 PM »

Hey, I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses!

I know I was getting pretty emo over a relatively minor issue, but it felt good to let some of that out and get some gentle reminders that I'm not a bad person, despite the way I feel after interacting with the ex sometimes Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

Anyway, I'm feeling A LOT better a day or two removed from the experience, and the forum definitely helped  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!