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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Borderline GF & another time out  (Read 417 times)
JQ
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« on: June 08, 2015, 05:30:08 PM »

Hello ... .first time post ... .I've been involved with a BPD since Nov 2012. It's been on again off again since the ride began. I thought she was Bi-polar, she told me a few months ago that her therapist said she had BPD. In the last two weeks I've really had my eyes open to this world, and OMFG it's spot on with everything I've read, the Youtube video's I've watched, the I hate you/don't leave me, push pull, the other boyfriends, the avoiding of conversations by changing the subject or looking around you to the TV ... .and the sex drive she had was as one person put it ... .porn sex. Alas ... .nothing is as it seems and all good things must come to an end ... .again ... .and again ... .and again. The cycle repeats itself.

I'm 52, I started this ride at 49 with a girl who reached out to me via social media who I had gone to school with. She like other examples I read about told me of the terrible divorce she was going through, two kids involved and how much of a jerk this guy was for having a affair. Over the last 2 1/2 years I've seen the clues but chose to either ignore them or believe her story she was telling me ... .but my gut told me something. I should of listen to it ... .I should still listen to it, but full disclosure, I've seen a therapist for anger issues for a work related issues and we got into my past ... .turns out I am a care giver or "Codependent", I want to help, I can fix it, and it's due to my childhood upbringing. Good news is that I'm now self aware of this behavior which is a major part of the battle and I'm learning to say no to family and friends ... .it's hard but it's a start.

SO with the BPD ex ... .she started out calling me since I lived 1/2 way across the country, within a phone call or two she was initiating phone sex that would last hours. Then our first skype call she was naked ... .remind you this is a girl who I hadn't seen in 25 plus years. Within a month, she called late afternoon on a Thursday and said lets me 1/2 way for the weekend ... .so we did. What a crazy weekend ... .every 4 or so weeks we would drive, talk for hours on the phone and once at the hotel would spend the entire weekend in bed. Crazy erotic ... .amazing ... .in all of that she would tell me about how her ex husband was threaten to take the kids, how work didn't understand her causing her untold stress. She started a work romance with her boss ... .then within months he was fired. Her new boss was close to retirement and didn't play that game. Her boss retired and she got a female boss and her "work stress" increased so much she changed departments to get a male boss. You see where this is going?

She wanted me to move where she was even suggesting that I move in the same complex ... .so I did ... .once there I was ignored with barely a call or a simple "hi" on a text for days at a time. She was crazy busy with the girls, work, life issues. I couldn't even meet her for lunch or dinner. After I confronted her about a second guy that she has been seeing at the same time she was seeing me. Basically she would sleep with him then with me 2-4 days later with me or vise versa. She avoided the conversation, changed the subject, then put me in a time out on calls or text, seeing each other, phone sex or even sex for two months. The chase was over for her. So, I confronted her one night, told her how I felt, she told me that she didn't love me, that she missed seeing the other guy. I then showed her my inspection papers for the apartment, my rental agreement for the moving truck and told her that if she didn't love me anymore and miss him there was no reason to stay ... .she had the classic BPD abandonment fear and took me by the hand to her apartment and has sex with me. I still moved out the next day, when she came home from work she jumped in her car, called me and started to drive down the road to find me as she talked to me.

I moved two hours away, not far enough. She called, texted and coaxed me back to her place to talk more than once that lead to nothing more the more great sex. Still avoiding the conversation on our relationship. I pushed ... .wrong thing to do with a BPD. We had a blow up via text and conversations AND again she put me in "Time out". She tells me why don't you give us a break ... .a long break ... .find yourself then you can call me or text me on this day ... .6 weeks later.  I decided to move again out of the state several states away. She told me she hated me for pushing so hard, I said I was sorry and I wasn't going to push anymore, I was done pushing. I made the mistake of sending her a card in the mail within a week, "the only guy ever to do this" and she's kept everyone. How do I know? She showed me the file in her cabinet where she keeps them. I then started to read the internet for BPD and everything that came with it. The "time out" is a classic thing they do, not unlike a timeout for a child who has been bad. I pushed her on relationship issues she didn't want to discuss, made her mad, she told me she hates me for pushing so hard and put me in a time out. I have chosen not to text her, or call her. I'm trying like hell to move forward with my life and get over the hump. She did text me "Happy Belated Birthday" two days after the fact ... .I've ignored any response to her.

I know she is currently with at least one other guy ... .a new one or one of 3 older ones. She actually bought one a house in the last year ... .long story but she's in the process of selling it and is going to take a wash on it. Before I left she told me she was going to spend mothers day weekend with her mom ... .my gut told me otherwise and followed her until she stopped to pick something up at the store. When she came out there I was standing next to her car ... .the look on her face was something you should of saw. She wasn't going to see her mom and was dressed rather nicely. I told her I had a feeling ... .it' wasn't the first time and from what I've learned it won't be the last time for her.

The break up is hard, no question. I know I'm in a time out, the silent treatment and she is fond of telling me that past historical events is an indicator of future performance indicators. so will she call or text. I'm sure of it ... .before I said good by to her she told me that she would like to call me and have phone sex ... .or come to where I live and I could show her the city ... .which is code for I want to F*%$ your brains out too. I soo want her to do that just because the sex is awesome, but nothing in life is FREE gentlemen and I along with yourself have to ask ourselves, is the cost to our mental state, our physical health worth it ... .only you can decide as I can. I for one will resist with everything that I can to ignore the phone call or the text ... .

I encourage you to read, seek out actual counseling and learn everything you can about the narcissistic borderline personality disorder. Everything ... .and I mean EVERY THING points out that she has been, is and will be damaged for the rest of her life. It started long ago before you met her with issues with her parents, and a event such as sexual trauma but other abandonment trauma can contribute to it. Everything I've read that they will need a life time of counseling from professionals and sometimes meds that might or might not help, they will NEVER ... .let me repeat that NEVER get better. They will always have financial problems, anger issues, lack empathy towards other including you, a pattern or history of stormy, rocky on again off again relationships, impulsive or dangerous behaviors including more than one sexual partner at the same time ,chronic feelings of emptiness or being alone in the world, anger issues and suicide thoughts. If he or she has the last one, don't hesitate to call 911.

When I look back on the 2 1/2 years of our encounters either after road trips or when I lived in the same state there was more than one time she had urinary tract infection (UTI), this is usually caused by a sexual encounter, I'll spare you the details but look it up. this was one of those things I chose to ignore at the time ... .I now know that she was having that same crazy porn sex with someone else ... .perhaps more then one someone else. I look back on it and I'm very lucky ... .and I'm thankful that I didn't get a STD from our sexual encounters. If I was to ask her if she had been with someone else she would tell me no, this was a lie. Another thing the BPD do, they like to serve their greater good. SO if you asked her when the last time she had a STD check, don't believe her whatever she says. Better not to have sex with them, use a condom if you do. She took me to one of her therapist encounters, and my eyes were opened. She said right there that her ex boyfriend who I made her break up with called her up after I had forced her to call things off. He told her if you ever want me to F%#@ your brains out, give me a call. The doc asked her what did she think and her response while i was sitting there was, "we always did do that very well". I then asked the doc in amazement that I was interested in a one on one, monogamous relationship with her. He then told me that might never happen JQ. What is a guy suppose to think about that? The woman he believes he is so in love with will sleep with multiple partners and there is nothing I will be able to do about it.

SO, guys if you're in this type of relationship and you want it the porn sex that you believe is love, go for it, I'm not one to judge. But know this, they will never have feelings for you, they're incapable of doing so. They are underdeveloped minds of a child that want what they want when they want it and will do what it takes to get it. They will like, cheat and do what ever is needed to get it done. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to please this BPD woman only to be rejected. It seems only when there is a chase to be had, the feeling that you are not theirs yet they will do all kinds of things to convince you that you are the one true love, that you are their soul mate ... .once they have you ... .then and only then will the true self reveal itself. While she dated the guy she was buying the house for, she called me to have phone sex. While she was dating him and a couple of others she was on more then one dating site and by self admission met up with 18 guys for a date.

Let me be clear, I have loved her for a long time and she was never far from my mind over the 20 plus years, I want to believe I still love her, but know that nothing will ever become of this. For my sanity, for my personal health I have to cut things off, to move on. I know that she will never get better ... .I hate the situation she is in, but I can't change it, doctors can't change it, it's very much like terminal cancer, you wish with all your heart that you could make a difference and help them, but there is nothing you can do in either situation. The person will die of cancer and if you continue down this path with your BPD relationship, you will die a very slow, a very painful death. If she has left you, she will reach out once again, maybe not tomorrow, or next week or next month but she will reach out again. How do I know this? Because another BPD woman I was involved with 18 years ago reached out not long ago ... .she was the reason I have a 9mm and a permit to carry. A law enforcement friend of mine told me that he was next to her when she told a woman standing next to told my BPD girlfriend that I was cute and would if giving chance like to go out with me. Her response was if I can't have him no one will. They can be violent, remember you are not dealing with a logical thinking person, they are developmentally stunted people that act out with abandonment fears. Consider this whole experience as just that, a life learning lesson and I hope that it wasn't expensive to learn ... .not just in money, but in a STD, or your overall mental health.

Thank you for reading my post, it is in some way self healing ... .but know that I am a long way from being completely over her and will continue to work at it every minute of everyday to take better care of myself. My wish for those reading this, either male or female is to give you yet another example of how a relationship with someone who is a narcissist borderline personality disorder is a no win situation for you. YOU WILL NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE EVER! Leave and find a relationship that you can have fun in and enjoy life and share with someone who doesn't make you bat___ crazy. Get some help, you can't break off the relationship alone, you'll need professional help as I've needed ... .and asking for help isn't a sign of weakness but self awareness that you like EVERYONE has limitations ... .we all have to learn ... .let someone help you learn your way through this challenge and you will get through it ... .remember life is to short to be angry or depressed or miserable in a relationship ... .enjoy life and all that it has to offer.


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ppb2la

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 30


« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2015, 12:01:37 AM »

JQ,

I found your post to be very helpful.

The intensity of the r/s with the BPD is like a drug, and they are masters of manipulation especially when the NPD is also a part of their pathology.

I have to keep reading posts such as yours to reconfirm that my uBPD and uNPDbf is NEVER going to be able to have a r/s with me. This is what is so sad for all of us here. We have good hearts and want to help them. I have so much empathy and compassion for mine, yet I realize that he is empty at his core.

Thankfully, we have these forums to read/ vent and learn from .

Best in your journey,

ppb2la
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Aussie0zborn
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 803



« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2015, 12:51:43 AM »

Excellent post. Thank you for sharing. Now that you know all of that, have you blocked her telephone number or are you secretly hoping she will re-engage? If so, what will you prove by leaving the door open and she re-engages you?

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rotiroti
formerly neveragainthanks
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 758



« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2015, 07:52:10 PM »

"SO, guys if you're in this type of relationship and you want it the porn sex that you believe is love, go for it, I'm not one to judge. But know this, they will never have feelings for you, they're incapable of doing so."

This is so spot on. And yes my BPDex was capable of lying and always had multiple partners and orbiters "who were just friends." Anoter point you were spot on was the thrill of the chase. As soon as I had moved across the country to live with her, she became cold and distant.




There were lots of triggers reading this, but it's good to be reminded of the bad so boldly
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