Losing touch with FOO

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone,

before meeting my uBPDw I always had very close contact with my (much older) sisters family, almost like I was part of the family. This changed after meeting my to-be wife and having children, understandably, but it has now gotten to the point where we are no longer invited to family functions etc. I think they have gotten tired of my wifes behaviour and gotten to the point where the cons outweigh the pros, as sad as it is to say.

This is a huge problem for me, because if me and my wife end up separating, I have counted on being able to spend time with my sisters family again for support. This now feels to me like it's fading away. I'm no longer sure I'll be able to repair it even if I'm on my own (with the kids) again.

Anyone found themselves in a similar situation or have any advice to offer?

[empathic]

Hello everyone,

before meeting my uBPDw I always had very close contact with my (much older) sisters family, almost like I was part of the family. This changed after meeting my to-be wife and having children, understandably, but it has now gotten to the point where we are no longer invited to family functions etc. I think they have gotten tired of my wifes behaviour and gotten to the point where the cons outweigh the pros, as sad as it is to say.

This is a huge problem for me, because if me and my wife end up separating, I have counted on being able to spend time with my sisters family again for support. This now feels to me like it's fading away. I'm no longer sure I'll be able to repair it even if I'm on my own (with the kids) again.

Anyone found themselves in a similar situation or have any advice to offer?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey empathic, Sure, I've been in your shoes.  My guess, and this is just a guess, is that your W has encouraged this split from your family out of her own insecurities and fears of abandonment.  Has she made it difficult for you to see family members?  Has she complained about and/or disparaged your family members?  Has she been less than polite at get-togethers with your family?  Well, all of those things happened to me, so I wouldn't be surprised if some or all of them have happened to you.  My BPDxW would even do rude things like start vacuuming when my mother and sister had come for a visit.

In my view, you really need family members in your life, because otherwise life with a pwBPD can be incredibly isolating.  You need family to keep things in perspective.  My BPDxW never could accepts that there was plenty of love to go around for her as well as my family.  I strongly suggest that you make efforts to reach out to your sister.  Let her know that you are having a hard time with your W.  Explain how you really care about your sister and her family.  In my experience, family members are willing to forgive and generally know something is wrong because they see that you are not yourself and are probably scratching their heads about what to do.

As you note, you are likely to need your sister and her family down the road.  Don't burn that bridge, as you might need it!

LuckyJim

[Aussie0zborn]

I was almost in the same boat as you and after leaving her and going back I felt I lost the support of my family and there were no more invitations to family gatherings - I made my choice and I had to stick with it.

Once finally separated, I knew not to call them and bother them with the same old nonsense. And family being family, they came to me, so don't be so surprised. Just don't tire them out with your stories - use a therapist for that and the family will more than likely come good.

You are probably underestimating them. Don't think for a minute that they don't have some idea of what kind of life you have so it's probably not as bad as you think. Stay positive.

[Lucky Jim]

You are probably underestimating them. Don't think for a minute that they don't have some idea of what kind of life you have so it's probably not as bad as you think. Stay positive.

Agree, Aussie.  I bet that, as family, they already know something is wrong.  If you reach out to your sister directly, without including your BPDw, I predict she will be open to communication and might prove more than willing to help.  But you have to be honest and don't sugarcoat it in order to protect your uBPDw.

LuckyJim

[Panda39]

empathetic,

Your family isn't rejecting you they are creating boundaries to protect themselves from your wife's behaviors.  You are a package deal so the consequences of your wife's actions get played out on you too.

I agree with the others that you will be readily accepted and supported once you are a separate entity from your wife.

I browse all the boards here and I can't tell you how many parents and siblings miss their children, and brothers and sisters that they are isolated or distanced from by a spouse with BPD.

My guess is that your family is just waiting for you to make the first move.

Does your sister live nearby maybe you (just you) can invite her to lunch and start rebuilding the relationship.  

[empathic]

Thanks everyone. I'm sure you're right, that I'll be able to rebuild it later on, and that they are acting this way to protect themselves and/or not knowing what to do.

My post was triggered by the fact that I'm yet again not able to spend time with my sister and her family in their vacation home. This time my wife would actually have been OK with me going with the kids, but it was not possible for other reasons (sister had already made other plans those weeks, I was too late to the table).

I'm not sure I had been able to go if we'd initiated a separation already anyway, too much practical stuff to take care of.

But I will try to spend more time with my FOO when they are back home.