Cant Figure It Out... Where Did She Go

[bjm]

So I need help understanding this, as I just can't.  I was with my ex who claimed I was the most amazing man she had ever met and the greatest thing that had ever happened to her.  In addition to us having a strong connection mentally and physically, I did have the ability to provide her with an amazing lifestyle.

We had a tornado hit our relationship, and we started breaking up and making up every few days for around three months.  After one such incident, I did something out of the norm, and just never returned her phone call.  There was no break up, no communication, no nothing.  I literally just did not call her back.

The strange thing is, I have never heard from her again.  Its been about 6 weeks.  She would always reach out every time we had an incident.

I just cannot get over it or understand how she can just never contact me again.  No interest where I am, am I ok, or what happened to me.  To be fair, I have not reached out either, but Im not the one who treated her like crap.

[Aussie0zborn]

Maybe she's busy. Did she by any chance have somebody already lined up?

How are you with the separation? You do realise that her declaration of you being the perfect man for her was her way of getting her hooks into you, don't you? I mean... .if we were as wonderful as they say we are we would not have been single or available when we met them. Clearly, we're not THAT wonderful. We're only as wonderful as a healthy person said we were - and not one iota more.

[JRT]

This is not entirely uncommon... .I would go out on a limb and speculate that if she did it under these circumstances, it was on the horizon anyway. Mine was a 2 year relationship where we were engaged... .she moved in and 3 weeks later moved out while I was out of town... .I was notified by text and blocked from contact... .I have not spoke to her since, that was 9 months ago... .same deal: I was the greatest thing that ever happened to her

pwBPD do things like thins but the attachment is something that they cannot seem to shake. If she is a pwBPD, the chances are very good that you will here from her regardless - the behavior of mine seems to be an anomaly.

The other thing I wanted to point out is that you not returning her call and sustaining that, may have been a confirmation of what she feared the most: that you have abandoned/rejected her. I believe that often times non's, in their rightful quest to assuage their own hurt and recover, fail to consider the effect that their NC has upon their pwBPD. Despite her pattern of breaking up and dis-regulation during your relationship, she may be fully of the opinion that you are the one that broke up with her!

[joeramabeme]

Good for you and not calling her back.  Stay firmly rooted in what your intuition is telling you!

Ya, you may hurt that she seemingly shows no emotion for your welfare or concern for the relationship but here is what you need to think through.  If she is being this difficult after your in-kind response to her behaviors, what will happen when the stakes are higher or her abuse is even deeper. 

This is not a game you can win.  Reason is because you CAN see reality and CAN feel your feelings that match reality, she CANNOT.   

Ya, it is painful and the memories of what it "Felt" like tell you that it is worth more effort, but her actions are clearly telling you that she is not in synch; what you experienced and felt and what she experienced and felt are not the same.      

Read the warning sign and accept if you do not take it's advice you will likely get more hurt.

[bjm]

This is not entirely uncommon... .I would go out on a limb and speculate that if she did it under these circumstances, it was on the horizon anyway. Mine was a 2 year relationship where we were engaged... .she moved in and 3 weeks later moved out while I was out of town... .I was notified by text and blocked from contact... .I have not spoke to her since, that was 9 months ago... .same deal: I was the greatest thing that ever happened to her

pwBPD do things like thins but the attachment is something that they cannot seem to shake. If she is a pwBPD, the chances are very good that you will here from her regardless - the behavior of mine seems to be an anomaly.

The other thing I wanted to point out is that you not returning her call and sustaining that, may have been a confirmation of what she feared the most: that you have abandoned/rejected her. I believe that often times non's, in their rightful quest to assuage their own hurt and recover, fail to consider the effect that their NC has upon their pwBPD. Despite her pattern of breaking up and dis-regulation during your relationship, she may be fully of the opinion that you are the one that broke up with her!

Have you reached out to her?

[bjm]

Good for you and not calling her back.  Stay firmly rooted in what your intuition is telling you!

Ya, you may hurt that she seemingly shows no emotion for your welfare or concern for the relationship but here is what you need to think through.  If she is being this difficult after your in-kind response to her behaviors, what will happen when the stakes are higher or her abuse is even deeper. 

This is not a game you can win.  Reason is because you CAN see reality and CAN feel your feelings that match reality, she CANNOT.   

Ya, it is painful and the memories of what it "Felt" like tell you that it is worth more effort, but her actions are clearly telling you that she is not in synch; what you experienced and felt and what she experienced and felt are not the same.      

Read the warning sign and accept if you do not take it's advice you will likely get more hurt.

  So what do they feel?

[joeramabeme]

So what do they feel?

I really don't know or understand what they feel.  Seems that their feelings change like the direction of the wind with no explanation of why.

MY uBPDw said she wanted to buy a house and I am sure she did yet when we had a chance to buy a house she said no.  I asked her why and she said she did not know and that she was scared.  Two days later she said she said let's go look at this new house on the market. 

In short, I think there is a lot of chaos that happens around their unresolved emotional issues.  With my wife there were times when everything seemed to make perfect sense and the feelings matched the situation and then just as quickly some other feeling would be expressed that seemed out of relation and often out of proportion to the situation.  If I inquired about her feelings she would often blame and berate me for what I had done or not done at some point either in the present or past. 

[bjm]

Good for you and not calling her back.  Stay firmly rooted in what your intuition is telling you!

Ya, you may hurt that she seemingly shows no emotion for your welfare or concern for the relationship but here is what you need to think through.  If she is being this difficult after your in-kind response to her behaviors, what will happen when the stakes are higher or her abuse is even deeper. 

This is not a game you can win.  Reason is because you CAN see reality and CAN feel your feelings that match reality, she CANNOT.   

Ya, it is painful and the memories of what it "Felt" like tell you that it is worth more effort, but her actions are clearly telling you that she is not in synch; what you experienced and felt and what she experienced and felt are not the same.      

Read the warning sign and accept if you do not take it's advice you will likely get more hurt.

  What does her lack of action show?

[willemina]

BJM, she took that as you rejecting her if she is anything like my bf

Interesting discussion. If I missed a call from my bf BPD, it would really be an 'all out rejection from me to him".

I was confused because people miss calls all the time, and when you have time, you return your calls. They see it as rejection, yet he missed my calls all the time and it was never an issue, so once I investigated and said "Hey I called you yesterday and you did not answer" (calm tone, almost presented to him like an afterthought) and he said :yeah I was taking a nap.

HUH? Come again?

Is this BPD trait?

Now I'm in week 5 of S/T, first time its ever happened.

[bjm]

BJM, she took that as you rejecting her if she is anything like my bf

Interesting discussion. If I missed a call from my bf BPD, it would really be an 'all out rejection from me to him".

I was confused because people miss calls all the time, and when you have time, you return your calls. They see it as rejection, yet he missed my calls all the time and it was never an issue, so once I investigated and said "Hey I called you yesterday and you did not answer" (calm tone, almost presented to him like an afterthought) and he said :yeah I was taking a nap.

HUH? Come again?

Is this BPD trait?

Now I'm in week 5 of S/T, first time its ever happened.

Its been 6 weeks.  I have not heard a word fro her.  She always resurfaces.  Its just very strange.

[NonBPDEx]

Is this BPD trait?

Certainly was in my case. There were times that if I did not answer a txt message within a short period of time then obliviously I did not love her.

One morning I awoke to a slew of messages that had been sent around 4 am that said to the effect "good bye, remember I loved you". Then an hour later stuff about how I can be so cold, etc.

However, if I questioned her on being late, then I was told I was "laying a guilt trip" on her... .

[JRT]

This is not entirely uncommon... .I would go out on a limb and speculate that if she did it under these circumstances, it was on the horizon anyway. Mine was a 2 year relationship where we were engaged... .she moved in and 3 weeks later moved out while I was out of town... .I was notified by text and blocked from contact... .I have not spoke to her since, that was 9 months ago... .same deal: I was the greatest thing that ever happened to her

pwBPD do things like thins but the attachment is something that they cannot seem to shake. If she is a pwBPD, the chances are very good that you will here from her regardless - the behavior of mine seems to be an anomaly.

The other thing I wanted to point out is that you not returning her call and sustaining that, may have been a confirmation of what she feared the most: that you have abandoned/rejected her. I believe that often times non's, in their rightful quest to assuage their own hurt and recover, fail to consider the effect that their NC has upon their pwBPD. Despite her pattern of breaking up and dis-regulation during your relationship, she may be fully of the opinion that you are the one that broke up with her!

Have you reached out to her?

I last time that I attempted was three months out on xmas eve... .I called her, announced my name since I was calling from a hotel. She immediately hung up. An hour later I got a call fro the police in the city she now lives.

This has kept from attempting but I know that in her disordered mind that she is of the opinion that she has been abandoned despite the circumstances. Lately, I have considering reaching out once again but am loath to do so in contemplation of another call from the cops or that it might push her again. We'll see... .

[neverloveagain]

If the ball stops bouncing, why continue to play.