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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: was she BPD  (Read 568 times)
Lostone1314
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: June 28, 2015, 08:50:16 PM »

Hi

Not sure if my 45yr old ex gf has BPD or npd but she cheated on me multiple times before breaking up over what she said was lifestyle differences because my home was too modern,I was to clean and tidy,I didn't drink and her teen daughter hates me.she said we didn't know each other and shouldn't have lived together,that I wasn't who they thought I was and that her kid will always hate me.that she was confused and didn't know what she wanted and that you never know what may happen in a few months.

We lived together for 3 years and dated for 1... her daughter hated me from day one and it just got worse... the break came after the daughter had a violent fit after I ate something she wanted (I didn't do it deliberately)... my ex argued we not break up but live apart till kids grow up and I agreed but said that if she felt as though it was working to be upfront and honest and break up as an adult... week later she broke up ... I had not heard from her in a week since moving out

.what I didn't discover till a month later is that she had been cheating for at least 6 months with multiples... .she finally admitted to cheating with one random she picked up after I presented evidence but I'm sure there was another but didn't have evidence... 3 months prior to break I caught her setting naked pics and bedroom secrets to an ex ,she was blind drunk at time so I called her up on it the next day.she denied any knowledge of having done it and when presented with the msg was not apologetic nor distressed she dismissed it as a drunken mistake and that was that... I tried to get her to open up as to why but she refused to discuss it further saying she loved me...

During last 2 years of Rs she became drunk at least weekly and hurled insults at me such as

Your not worth the financial convienience

Your going to grow to be a fat old man

Your fault I didn't orgasm

Your hobby is embarrassing (she introduced me to hobby as a Xmas gift)

Don't you want. To look beautiful for your girl (insisting I go to gym)

You will never find one as beautiful to me to love you (when I discussed breaking up over the child)

You don't understand women

When we would go out for dinner ect she would try to force me to drink and get upset if I didn't

Her cell ph acct came to my email address it how I caught her out and in the 4 weeks after our break she was in contact with 4 different men incl the cheater... when the affair ended during those 4 Weeks she tried 2 others dialing 2 numbers every 5min for 6 hours straight with no answer then finally took up the offer of an aquaintance of ours one who had been on her social media list our whole relationship... he is 57yr old,wealthy,drinks,parties and is obese she denied having cheated with him but they were intimate and living together imeadiately and she and he posted public pics on social media the week she had admitted to cheating.

There was no empathy,no remorse,no emotions displayed when she admitted to cheating or when I asked why she posted pics so soon after her admission when clearly she knew I was devestated she just,didn't care about me

Why would she say I was fat at only 5kgs over my ideal weight but it's ok to sleep and enter into relationship with an obese man 7years older than me ?

Will she insult him as she did me ?

Will she cheat on him?

I know it's dumb but I feel it's my fault she insulted me and cheated cause I wasn't the man she wanted

im lost in a sea of ruminating and obsseive thoughts as to why and where i went wrong...

should i have kept drinking

should i have been less clean & tidy

should i have been more the porn star in bed

should i have spent more $$ in her

should i have gone to gym

should i have not complained so much about her not helping with housework or cleaning up after her kids

so many things i wish i had and had not done.

13 months on and she appears very happy with new man .i cant understand she herself said he was not attractive when he stalked his fb page while we were together and commented on how an 57 yr old obese man could get a young attractive woman his then gf... she was aware he is wealthy so maybe its the $$

why insult my weight then sleep with him thats crazy isnt it

so lost
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rotiroti
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« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2015, 09:14:11 PM »

BPD or not, this sounds like a terrible partner
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2015, 09:56:02 PM »

BPD or not, this sounds like a terrible partner

she only helped with housework a handfull of times leaving me to clean up after her and kids especialy the daughter who lacked basic hygene skills tossing soiled underwear back unto draws... i would come home to a horrible smell in summer and when i asked the ex to sort it out she said it was no big deal... the kids lived in filth at dads so when with me they hated my clean home.

ex would just go out and leave me to go into girls room looking for filthy clothing...

i just wanted her equal share... she never contributed to financials except for half the mortgage which she complained about saying " i cant believe i have to pay you rent"

she would buy food once a fortnight when kids over and god help me if i ate something i was not given "its the kids food she would say"

she would pay her way when we went out but didnt like it she expected i pay cause i was the man she felt entitled cause she was beautiful and i should have been gratefull to have such a beautiful woman who was a porn star in bed... she did things in bed that paid women prob would not do
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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2015, 12:12:53 AM »

hey lostone1314, and welcome to bpdfamily. these relationships can be especially volatile, confusing, and heartbreaking. youve found one of the best and largest support groups in the world, and there are many members here who can relate to what youve gone through, and help.

you would do well to check out the lessons on this site. in particular, reading through these will help you to better understand BPD behaviors, and what youve been through:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lostone1314
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 86


« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2015, 01:09:55 AM »

hey lostone1314, and welcome to bpdfamily. these relationships can be especially volatile, confusing, and heartbreaking. youve found one of the best and largest support groups in the world, and there are many members here who can relate to what youve gone through, and help.

you would do well to check out the lessons on this site. in particular, reading through these will help you to better understand BPD behaviors, and what youve been through:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

hi once removed

she wasnt diagnosed BPD are the descriptions ive given consistant with BPD
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once removed
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2015, 01:37:01 AM »

some of them are, lostone, definitely. have you had a chance to read up on the diagnostic criteria for BPD?

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder

the fact is we arent professionals and cant diagnose. but that doesnt mean we cant help. where do you see your ex on this spectrum?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lostone1314
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 86


« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2015, 07:26:53 AM »

some of them are, lostone, definitely. have you had a chance to read up on the diagnostic criteria for BPD?

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Borderline-Personality-Disorder

the fact is we arent professionals and cant diagnose. but that doesnt mean we cant help. where do you see your ex on this spectrum?

Thanks for your kind welcome...

She exhibited the following

Frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned ... .I believe she felt I may break up due to the child and cause I was not the type of man she wanted so she began cheating to secure a new object... she went thru 4 men in 4 weeks and clearly the dialling of 2 numbers every 5 min between hours of 1030 pm and 430am indicates she was desperate to secure a new object... the man she finally selected isn't her norm it's just that he by his nature will worship the ground she walks so long has his reward of porn type sex is maintained and he is wealthy making for security that I could not supply.

Unstable personal relationships that alternate between idealization—“I’m so in love!”—and devaluation—“I hate her.” This is also sometimes known as "splitting."

There were times when she would behave as an equal partner showing affection,helping out,and others where she disrespected me terribly her worst being when she got drunk.

Impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes, such as excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse or reckless driving.

Before me she had at least 9 other partners but I'd say there were many more she never told me about... she never used protection nor the pill so god knows how come she never caught anything or got pregnant .she was an animal in bed very flirtatious in public which I didn't like but I never played the jealous bf perhaps I should have been... I'm her 5th long term Rs

And of course there was the alcohol she loved to drink and she was like another person when drunk very abusive but never physically

Periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days -

This wasn't often nor very long but at times she would act anxious or moody maybe the distress of dealing with kids hatred of me was causing it

Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness

This was a biggy... she had no hobbies no interests outside of her kids,dog,beach,alcohol and sex what entertainment I was able to provide on my income never seem to satisfy her in later years of our Rs... her new man being wealthy is able to provide constant date nights,holidays,Harley Davidson rides into country she suggested before break I buy a Harley but without her financial help that wasn't possible... .to eliviate my depression I bought that Harley after our break Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

She showed none of the other symptoms

The first 2 years were the best I've experienced by any woman... she was loving,affectionate,she help sposmadicaly with house work,didn't drink so much,wasn't abusive,she said no one had ever treated her like a princes and I had never felt so loved and wanted during our second year when we moved into my new home she began to be less affectionate less interested in our Rs the kids hatred got worse they hated me and my home many times she suggested I sell up and buy a home they would be comfortable in I regret not givin that a go... her ph records showed in our 2nd year the sexting started some were exes some were new contacts... .in our 3rd year the physical cheating,drinking  and abuse started she had checked out by then I knew and nothing I said or did made a difference... few times she was going to move out cause of kids but always changed her mind... our 4th and final year was the worst we were like roommates... I'd been rejected so often I checked out but I could never break up I was so terribly in love with the woman she once was and hoped she would change back when the kids grew.

I miss that woman and feel she may never be replaced not only cause she was beautiful but because she felt like my soul mate.

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Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2015, 11:55:55 PM »

I'd been rejected so often I checked out but I could never break up I was so terribly in love with the woman she once was and hoped she would change back when the kids grew.

I miss that woman and feel she may never be replaced not only cause she was beautiful but because she felt like my soul mate.

It's hard to reconcile the person we loved, who made us feel on top of the world, with the other person. My T referred to it as a compartmentalized personality. He never validated my "diagnosis" of her (he only saw her twice before she quit), but he focused me on the immature behaviors and helped me deal with those.

Like you, I also checkec out emotionally in the last year. This triggered her abandonment fears, and people with BPD (or traits) fear abandonment. I know this is my Ex's worst fear: being alone, even if she has Hermit tendencies. I felt like the guy in Aliens: "this can't be happening, man!" I clung to the belief that if only I had done this or that, that we would still be together. The fact was, I was just exhausted.

Have you seen this article Lostone? What do you get out of it?

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
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Lostone1314
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 86


« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2015, 05:11:58 AM »

I'd been rejected so often I checked out but I could never break up I was so terribly in love with the woman she once was and hoped she would change back when the kids grew.

I miss that woman and feel she may never be replaced not only cause she was beautiful but because she felt like my soul mate.

It's hard to reconcile the person we loved, who made us feel on top of the world, with the other person. My T referred to it as a compartmentalized personality. He never validated my "diagnosis" of her (he only saw her twice before she quit), but he focused me on the immature behaviors and helped me deal with those.

Like you, I also checkec out emotionally in the last year. This triggered her abandonment fears, and people with BPD (or traits) fear abandonment. I know this is my Ex's worst fear: being alone, even if she has Hermit tendencies. I felt like the guy in Aliens: "this can't be happening, man!" I clung to the belief that if only I had done this or that, that we would still be together. The fact was, I was just exhausted.

Have you seen this article Lostone? What do you get out of it?

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

Hi Turkish

This is where I'm stuck right now ruminating the what ifs... mine was the same no way she could be alone she has to have a man doesn't matter who so long as she is worshipped and adored and honestly despite her obvious good looks and amazing sex I too got exhausted I gave so much of myself with little return... I get moments of clarity where i see her behaviour as childish and crazy  triggered by my not worshiping and adoring  her the way she wanted what ever that was but these moments are fleeting cause I say well she is goin well with Rs partner #7 so it must have been me then the guilt and self loathing sets in...

Each time I was abused I asked her why say that and she would say in a drunken slur "truth comes out when your drunk" I wonder if in a year or 2 the truth comes out that she is using Rs # 7 like she used all the others

Shrink booked in 2 weeks lookin forward to sorting my head out cause if I don't I will spend the rest of my life alone
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