The Missing Phase

[WhatJustHappened?]

I guess it's been 5 or 6 weeks since break up. We broke NC via leaving messages and texts. It wasn't pleasant.

Last night I was really thinking about my exBPDgf quite a bit. Especially the sex! But also thinking about "us". I shouldn't be, she lied quite a bit.

I have a first date tonight and my senses are on high alert. I'm not even sure I want to go. I may have set this up too soon. Ugh.

I guess what's interesting to me is that maybe I miss the whole idea of "us" versus "her"? Not sure that makes sense.

[once removed]

hey whatjusthappened 

why do you feel you may have set this date up too soon?

[WhatJustHappened?]

hey whatjusthappened 

why do you feel you may have set this date up too soon?

I guess I'm just still a little raw from my recent BPD experience and feel that I may not be emotionally ready but its just a date. Plus I am super sensitive to any potential BPD warning signs. Just don't want that affecting any new possibilities.

On the other hand, its important to me to keep moving forward as I would like to have a meaningful relationship.

[Yolanda123]

WJH, I'm there with you... .

I'm 4 weeks post B/U and trying to go N/C (blocked FB & cell) but my exBPDbf keeps popping up and leaving messages on my home voice mail... .I have not heard from him for 5 days.

I am torn between hoping he will stop contacting me so that I can move on and focus on ME, and wanting him to reach out, I guess because it makes me feel like I mattered, like I'm not so easily forgotten and replaced. It's always a battle between head and heart.

Though I feel like I'm progressing, I am still getting the missing moments, and today I'm there... .

Maybe as you're saying (it really makes sense  ) we're missing the `us`, we're missing the hopes and dreams we built when we met this person and were convinced this was the love of our life. It's hard to let go of this... .let go of the person without the BPD.

I'm there too with the date... .a nice (I think?) guy from work with has asked me on a date a few weeks back when he heard I was single again... .I did not feel ready then and not sure I am now... .not sure when I will be... .I told him yes eventually I would like that but I need some time after b/u.

I feel I'm not ready to trust someone new... .feeling a little paranoid in the sense that I'm afraid I'm gonna see BPD flags in everything... .this guy who asked me on a date sent me a FB instant message this morning saying I thought I'd see you at work yesterday but you were not there, are you okay? Might just be a nice guy asking if I'm OK, might be a BPD guy obsessing over me  

Are you feeling like that too? Is that why you're hesitant to go on your date? Or is it because you're still thinking a lot about your exBPD and feel you would not be fair to this new person?

Sorry I can't give you real good advice on this as I'm not sure myself how to handle this... .I think meeting up with new people can be good, taking the focus off the exBPD, going forward... .at the same time, I don't feel ready now and I think it's important to listen to that.

Take care, let us know how it goes for you  

[Yolanda123]

Oups posted my message and read your new reply only afterwards... .sorry for the questions that you answered 

[once removed]

thanks for your reply.

"I guess I'm just still a little raw from my recent BPD experience and feel that I may not be emotionally ready but its just a date. Plus I am super sensitive to any potential BPD warning signs. Just don't want that affecting any new possibilities.

On the other hand, its important to me to keep moving forward as I would like to have a meaningful relationship."

theres a couple of schools of thought on this matter, and i think youve outlined them both. one is that we should wait; spend some time alone, work on self improvement, then date as we are ready. the other is that dating again is in itself a sign of being ready to move on. they dont contradict each other, and both are right, the variable (the timeline) is unique to each individual.

my concern is that if a person doesnt feel emotionally ready, that may lessen the chance of success in dating, which could leave you feeling worse. many members are hyper vigilant for the signs of BPD when they get back out there. either that, or they find "normal" to be "boring". no spark.

the attitude that "its just a date, and important to keep moving forward" is a good one. if there isnt a spark, that doesnt necessarily mean its a bad experience at all. so essentially, im just trying to get clarity on your thoughts and feelings, as well as your expectations, not to tell what to do or not to do. hope that makes sense. it helps to outline for ourselves.

going back to your original post:

"I guess what's interesting to me is that maybe I miss the whole idea of "us" versus "her"?"

this is very common here, especially at the five or six week mark. it takes some time to integrate both of these concepts for ourselves. what i do suggest, is resolving these things before getting too deep with another potential partner. its easier than it might seem to carry this into a new relationship.

[NonBPDEx]

I broke up with my BPDgf last March. I was the one that broke it off. She went straight to a guy she had been grooming, and from what I know she seems happier now.

I broke it off because I knew from day one that there was something 'off' about her. However, she tried really hard to make things work. I felt though that I could not depend on her.

The odd thing was that I was fine with the breakup for the first month. Then I started a downward spiral after seeing her again, and finding out about the new guy, and seeing her happy.

So, I thought the best cure was to get back up on the horse. So I went online and managed to get a bunch of dates.

Exactly the opposite of what I was expecting happened. All dating did was to highlight my exBPDgf, and make me miss her even more.

I thought I was low before the dating spree. However, dealing with a bunch of dates that only served to highlight what I had given up really sent me on a tailspin to one of the lowest points in my life. I am only just recovering.

As much as I would like to be in a relationship again, I know I am way too raw at the present time.

Personally I feel that taking time to love myself and heal are paramount. If someone comes along, great. But I would not put myself out there until I can unequivocally say I have rebuilt my identity.

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess what's interesting to me is that maybe I miss the whole idea of "us" versus "her"? Not sure that makes sense.

Yes, it makes sense.  We were getting needs met on some level by being in this thing called "us", our needs for connection, 'love', certainty, variety, significance, growth, contribution, we all have those needs, and speaking for myself, I was getting some of those needs met at a very low level with her and some not at all, which is why I left her, but after the relationship ends we haven't found something else to meet those needs yet, haven't replaced "us" with something to meet them, so we miss that in that sense, but we don't miss our partner and how weakly they met them. 

So what to do?  We could jump into another relationship as a means to meet them, it's up to us to decide when the time is right, if we start another relationship before we've fully processed the last one we will take that baggage with us into the new relationship, which might be unfair to the new person and maybe unhealthy for us.  On the other hand, it's important to get back on the horse with our newfound knowledge and wisdom and meet a lot of people, otherwise our apprehension and tendency to label everyone a borderline might get in our way.

For me what's been working is to just live my life.  If we find ways to meet our needs without depending on someone else we can go into relationships to give instead of get, and if we are meeting our needs in empowering ways and enjoying our life it shows, and we end up mighty attractive to the opposite sex, if that's your flavor, and then it's up to us to weed out the folks looking for unhealthy attachments and stick with the healthy ones, which means we need to be healthier and more mature ourselves.  It's a brand new world.

[apollotech]

I guess what's interesting to me is that maybe I miss the whole idea of "us" versus "her"? Not sure that makes sense.

That makes perfect sense. It's healthy to griev the loss of the relationship. The relationship fulfilled needs and was one possible future. It would not be healthy to griev the loss of someone who mistreated you. I think you're seeing the loss correctly and your grief is well placed.

[WhatJustHappened?]

In regards to the date I had last night, I am very glad I went

[Yolanda123]

Great I'm happy for you !

[WhatJustHappened?]

Great I'm happy for you !

Thanks! Kinda funny... .my date has similar job experience as my exBPDgf. Also, while on the date, I texted myself a note to remind me to look up something that my date recommended. When I did, the last text that popped up on my phone was a picture of exBPDgf It was like my ex was saying "here I am" (hahaha).

[Yolanda123]

Yeah seems like they keep popping up !   Glad that you're able to laugh about it and that you enjoyed your date  ... .gives me hope there's a life after exBPF 

[Yolanda123]

*BPD*