For catharsis, what single statement really hurt you

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, for catharsis, what are some of the single sentences that used to really hurt you that you won't have to hear again? Not a whole paragraph of discussion, just a line and maybe a brief explanation.

"That's not a feeling" (Neat way around the 'all feelings are valid' mantra)

"You know that word is triggering for me" (A lot of very basic words were on that list)

"I do 80% of the work in this relationship."

"Oh, so you're saying I'm a crazy cXXX?" (Her attempt at reflective listening)

[Gonzalo]

So, for catharsis, what are some of the single sentences that used to really hurt you that you won't have to hear again? Not a whole paragraph of discussion, just a line and maybe a brief explanation.

"That's not a feeling" (Neat way around the 'all feelings are valid' mantra)

"You know that word is triggering for me" (A lot of very basic words were on that list)

"I do 80% of the work in this relationship."

"Oh, so you're saying I'm a crazy cXXX?" (Her attempt at reflective listening)

[SummerStorm]

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." 

This was used whenever I confronted her about anything she lied about/did wrong.  It was used to make me feel like I was the bad person for bringing it up.

[Pretty Woman]

"This is not up for discussion"

"The only thing consistant about you are your inconsistencies"

"You were never here"

":)on't poke the bear"

"I'm sick and tired of your knee-jerk reactions"

[toxicfam]

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but you're wrong." - every time I tried to open up and fix our relationship.

"Ungrateful -swear-"

":)isrespectful little -swear-"

[Pretty Woman]

Oh yeah and all the name calling... .

a-hole, Jack-a... .I never called her names ever.

[Yolanda123]

I love you and want our relationship to work, but I can't deal with what we do to each other (meaning him being angry/irritable/distant for whatever random reason and me reacting like a normal person, and this being too much for him to handle)

Are you seeing/thinking about someone else?

[rarsweet]

"Its not about you"... .haha yes it is, its my life now.     " there is more to me than people see". " if you loved me... ." "it doesn't matter" " if people really got to know me they would have a different opinion" " you don't pay attention" " you think you are so smart and you're not" "so and so loved me to death, you don't" " why can't you see me the way so and so did" " you don't have to... ." " times change, you can't really listen to other people's advice because times are different" " most people are stupid" " wanna watch a movie?" " you don't have to do anything, I'm more important than x,y,z, let's just watch z movie"

[rotiroti]

"If this happened to me 5 years ago, I would've said 'F--- this' and left"

"I hate coming home to you"

"... ."

I think the silent treatment were the worse, because 1) they would come out of nowhere and 2) end out of nowhere

[SummerStorm]

Oh, I forgot "Let's watch a DVD."  Anything to avoid actually talking about anything serious.

[Yolanda123]

What's wrong? (while it was him who was angry/irritable for no apparent reason)

You seem distant

[Yolanda123]

If you did this or that, or did this or that differently, things would go so much better between us

[daz_bpd]

"(what she says)" - and the reality, or how i feel

"i don't care" "i dont care anymore" "Wouldnt you want me to be happy with someone who can take care of me?" - I support her, and deeply care and love her

"i hate you" " i [swearing] hate you" - she hates everyone that doesn't do as she says, miseerable

"im tired and too stressed out" - and Im apparently the reason for that

"You wont have me eat coz you have a reason" "im starving" "im hungry" "un hungry and you won't send me money" "Im having a massive headache. if you cant get me money for food now i will sleep" - that I am to blame for her not eating, or having money for food

"I cant do this anymore." "I give up." - when I have exerted all the effort and done every to make things happen for both of us

"You sound so fake" "liar" - she lies to me constantly, but somehow i am the one not being honest

"Ive been vomitting bile" "im sick" - her illness and its my fault for her stress?

"If you dont, then I know you dont have my best interest at heart. You just want ne suffering all the time" - if i dont instantly fix things or rescue her, then she will do something to make me suffer and cause more pain

[rotiroti]

What's wrong? (while it was him who was angry/irritable for no apparent reason)

You seem distant

Noo! I forgot about those 2. Always came after a drought of ST

[sas1729]

"You never listen to me."

and how about the good old "f*** you"?

[jedimaster]

"I don't have to put up with this.  If you don't [insert anything] I can be out of here and leave you to deal with all of it."

Blew her totally away when I stopped putting up with her and left.

[confusedinny]

"YOU did this" (how does one punch themselves in the face?)

"You love drama"

"Are you cheating on me?" (cheaters love to accuse, classic)

"Can you get me (fill in the blank)"

"What's wrong"

"Let's have a baby" (daily)

":)o I do that to you? I never do that to you" (last time she pulled this one out, she was referring to how I "rush" her. i had a 10am appointment and let her know the night before we needed to be out the door at 9:30. At 10am as I'm still standing there asking her to please hurry as I was late for my apt, her rage at me began for "rushing her". It escalated in the car as she grabbed the steering wheel and swerved us to the side demanding to be let out of the car. Almost forgot about that story)

[UserName69]

"You're so AWSOME!"

"You're SO great!"

"You're send by God"

"I have a busy schedule (applying for jobs, like that would take a couple hours)"

"I hate the fact I love you" <----- So far the best thing I ever heard

"I missed your voice"

[Beach_Babe]

"I never said that!"

"So you think I'm a worthless weightie?"

"Leave me alone or I will call the police" (when caught

In a lie).

"I hit myself because you upset me. Hope you are HAPPY!"

"So you're the only one that sees beauty in this beast?"

"I do love you. I want to see you. No I do"

"Let's have a baby"

"Stalker! Get away"

[Mike-X]

So, for catharsis, what are some of the single sentences that used to really hurt you that you won't have to hear again? Not a whole paragraph of discussion, just a line and maybe a brief explanation.

"That's not a feeling" (Neat way around the 'all feelings are valid' mantra)

"You know that word is triggering for me" (A lot of very basic words were on that list)

"I do 80% of the work in this relationship."

"Oh, so you're saying I'm a crazy cXXX?" (Her attempt at reflective listening)

As the host of this discussion, can you help me to understand the value of this type of thread in healing and recovery?  As stated, it seems to me that this just encourages splitting your ex and potentially all pwBPD as "bad" and mocking them. In my opinion threads of this sort might be helpful in healing and recovery if they emphasized, perhaps, healing through understanding BPD as a mental illness, understanding the role of this mental illness in the relationship, and/or understanding your own reactions to mental illness?

[repititionqueen]

"I don't think I know what love is" (push-pull, saying I love you then taking it away. This always ripped my heart out).

"you're crazy"

"You poor thing" This was a huge red flag  ... .His response to me expressing my feelings about him hurting me.

"I take you up and then I send you down again" Talk about a roller coaster.

"Let's watch a marathon of (his favourite show that I wasn't interested in)" I like that a number of you reference the movie/tv distraction technique.

"Let's go meet up with my friends" It just never seemed like enough to just make a plan with him and I. Lots of triangulation:

"I have to work late again" He was working 12 hour days... .Even his work started to think he had a personality disorder. I realize now it was triangulation.

"My mom... ." Anything about his mother. Some serious engulfment issues going on... .He was already 'married' to his mother.

[joeramabeme]

As the host of this discussion, can you help me to understand the value of this type of thread in healing and recovery?  As stated, it seems to me that this just encourages splitting your ex and potentially all pwBPD as "bad" and mocking them. In my opinion threads of this sort might be helpful in healing and recovery if they emphasized, perhaps, healing through understanding BPD as a mental illness, understanding the role of this mental illness in the relationship, and/or understanding your own reactions to mental illness?

Thank you Mike!     

I sometimes find myself objectifying my pwBPD traits after reading this board.  Not to be misunderstood, I find levity in being able to laugh and share.  But I am so deeply confused at times because my spouse is really a beautiful person with many wonderful qualities.  It is sad but when it comes to intimacy she is scared to the point of disorder.   

I am having such a hard time going from pillar to post in my mind with I love her and she is disordered and sometimes it feels intentionally evil but is not.  And likewise, I show symptoms too.  This disorder is on a spectrum of traits. 

As someone in mid-divorce, I agree with Mike, this kind of post can be counter productive to my own healing which requires understanding and compassion amidst all the pain and hurt.

[Gonzalo]

As the host of this discussion, can you help me to understand the value of this type of thread in healing and recovery?

Catharsis, like I said above. Another thread prompted me to remember 'That's not a feeling', and it felt so good to realize that I am not having to put up with that, and am not trying to navigate through that kind of weaponized therapy language any more. (It neatly bypasses the 'all feelings are valid' mantra, while not being something you can offer any concrete argument against on the fly). Letting some of the things that used to hurt me so much out to a set of people who will understand them makes me feel much better and helps me get rid of a lot of baggage still knocking around in my head.

It also helps reinforce the decision to leave by emphasizing the benefits of remaining out of the relationship. Whenever I find myself thinking too fondly of her or wanting to reconnect, I remind myself of the things I don't have to endure any more, and it helps both with removing the desire then and making it occur less frequently. I think a lot of people here who keep wanting to reconnect with their ex- could use more of it.

As stated, it seems to me that this just encourages splitting your ex and potentially all pwBPD as "bad" and mocking them.

Being happy for the abuse that you don't have to suffer is not the same thing as refusing to see shades of grey, and it is extremely intellectually dishonest to paint this as a BPD-style splitting behavior. Especially since I have never painted my ex- as all black, and have in fact argued against people who say that sort of thing on this board. You should think carefully before trying to use therapist-speak in an incorrect manner against me, my ex- weaponized a lot of therapy language, as  I learned to rapidly tune out anyone who attempts to do that to me as a defense mechanism.

In my opinion threads of this sort might be helpful in healing and recovery if they emphasized, perhaps, healing through understanding BPD as a mental illness, understanding the role of this mental illness in the relationship, and/or understanding your own reactions to mental illness?

There are already a lot of threads about understanding BPD, that's not what this is for. And it's not about reactions to mental illness or the role of mental illness in the relationship, but about bad treatment that we don't have to endure any more, without trying to examine the source. I think it's healthy to be happy about a burden that you don't have to bear anymore.

[ppb2la]

" I'm out of here!"

" We're done!"

He broke up with me 11 times in 5 months over total frivolities.

"You never listen to what I say."

"If you loved me... ."

" Will you take care of me?"

"I'm afraid you won't treat me like the precious piece of china that I am."

[going places]

"you're crazy, I didn't say that" (( and I had it printed, from the email he sent, and he still demanded, he didn't say it ))

"I don't know, kinda, maybe, sorta, I guess" (( his complete inability to commit to anything ))

"why don't you just get over it, i said i was sorry" (( after I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression caused by the trauma he inflicted ))

"I had an epiphany"

With my ex, it wasn't a lot of 'words' but a lot of silent treatment, scowling, wadding up his face in disgust, glaring, and eye rolling. His abuse, unfortunately, never left a mark that others could clearly see... .

[introvert]

"I would have killed myself if roles were reversed." (When I confronted her about cheating)

"You don't even really know me."

"You're effing worthless and pathetic."

"You never listen to me."

"You've only ever apologized first once or twice throughout the entire relationship." (More like 500 times. FOG, right?)

"I only cheated because I thought we weren't going to make it as a couple."

"My exes actually liked talking to me and being around me unlike you."

"I don't think you actually love me."

[letmeout]

I didn't say that, you did!

I didn't do that, you did!

You can't hold that against me because I was drunk so it doesn't count!

I raged at you because you had it coming!

If you can't take your anger out on your wife, who can you take it out on!

I hate your family!

No body likes you!

No one can tell me what to do!

Your face looks like Sh#t!

oh heck, its an endless list... .glad I don't hear any of it anymore!

[Turkish]

 Gazing into my eyes and saying, "I love you Turkish," said at the time with utmost sincerity.  :'(

[anxiety5]

"I'm not getting into this right now"

translation: I have no defense for what you just brought up.

"You beat me down!"

translation: You are holding me accountable rather than taking me storming out of the room as a signal to drop this forever!

"I love you"

translation: NOTHING you did was the equivalent of loving someone.

"Stop fighting with me!"

translation: When I treat you bad, or cheat on you, or don't ever reciprocate or have any interest in resolving issues by communicating like an adult, stop pointing that out. When you do this it creates conflict because I will refuse to ever acknowledge, validate, or even listen to you or your concerns. This all = conflict. And YOU are the problem. so our fighting? it's YOU fighting with ME.

[Lifewriter16]

What an interesting thread... .

Here's my humble (and ever so slightly resentful) contribution:

"Why is it always me who's getting it wrong?"

"I feel you crossed a line last night... ."

"You've p**sed me off"

"I'm sick of your anger"

"Maybe we should give today a miss"

"I don't want to see you today"

"I won't be over on ... ."

"I won't be going on ... .!"

"I might be able to go after all"

"Text me when you want to see me next"

"You're punishing me"

"I don't want to talk about it!"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore!"

"It's over!"

"Have a great life."

"You had your chance and you blew it."

"The consequences of your actions could be losing me for good"

"You'll lose him like you lost me." - talking of a future relationship

"It wasn't my choice. You finished it."

"I'll find someone else and I'll make it work."

"Welcome to the real world"

"It's OVER!"

"I hope you're okay."

"I'll be okay. It isn't like I haven't been here before."

"I'm angry with you and I hate you and I don't miss you because right now that would hurt too much. Happy?"


"Is there anything you need from me?" - YES, YES, YES but I'm not going to get it, am I?


This is a particularly timely reminder for me as to why it is best to never see my BPDxbf ever again.

Love Lifewriter

[klacey3]

"You really are sick. If you don't realise how wrong you arr you are sicker than I thought"

"No-one is as cruel as you"

"You are only crying because I caught you out and you feel guilty"

"I would feel ashamed of myself if i were you"

"If you dont do ... .then I will know you don't love me. This is the only way to know if you do or not"

"i knew you never loved me. You f**** me over and now I am going to f*** you over"

*insulting me when I spoke of something he did that I wasnt happy with

*threats to talk to his ex or meet his ex if i wouldnt see him that day or spoke about something he didnt want to talk about

[Infared]

"A zebra doesn't change it's stripes."

Always said to call to my attention to the fact that I was not performing in a way that she wanted me to. Was always said with contempt or superiority.

It was quite a joyful moment for me to finally use the line on her when I had evidence that she was lying to me and cheating on me, just like she did with every other man she had ever been with.

Silence... .deafening silence... .

[enlighten me]

I told you to pick up (add something I wasnt told).

I hate liars ( from one of the biggest liars ive ever met)

You were flirting with ( add any woman I happen to speak to even check out girls or waitresses)

[Loosestrife]

"You're pushing me"

[Forestaken]

"YOU did this" (how does one punch themselves in the face?)

"You love drama"

"Are you cheating on me?" (cheaters love to accuse, classic)

"Can you get me (fill in the blank)"

"What's wrong"

"Let's have a baby" (daily)

":)o I do that to you? I never do that to you" (last time she pulled this one out, she was referring to how I "rush" her. i had a 10am appointment and let her know the night before we needed to be out the door at 9:30. At 10am as I'm still standing there asking her to please hurry as I was late for my apt, her rage at me began for "rushing her". It escalated in the car as she grabbed the steering wheel and swerved us to the side demanding to be let out of the car. Almost forgot about that story)

You married my Xw? Why am I still paying alimony?

[SummerStorm]

"I miss you" - Always said when she wasn't getting attention from her boyfriend

"IDK" - Her way of avoiding answering questions

"You're so clingy" - Her reaction to me trying to have an adult conversation

"You're so f*#@ing annoying" - Said at random times

"Ok" - Like, "IDK," a way of avoiding conversation

"Can I stay over on ___________ night?" - Asked when she was idealizing me

"Come to my room after bus duty?"

"Sit with me at the assembly?"

"I have to pee" - I knew more about her bathroom habits than I did my own

"Ugh, this music sucks" - Nothing I listened to pleased her, and I have an extremely eclectic taste in music

"I want popcorn" - One of the few things she ate; the smell always permeated my bedroom

"I'm sick/throwing up and can't go to work/hang out with you."

"If you had moved in with me when I first asked you to, none of this would have happened." 

[Beach_Babe]

"I'll pay it eventually"

[lostjak]

"I'm not playing games."

"I don't want to fight about it."

"You know that triggers me."

[Yolanda123]

Why do you do that to me?

I love you anyway

[UserName69]

Everytime when we got back to eachother I took her out for dinners of gave her a present.

"You cant simply bribe me"

"You cant throw money at your problems"

"You really believe money can solve everything? "

"How the hell did you get me here (when we went out for dinner)"

She always used to say these things.

[flycast89]

"The way you dress is repulsive... .We've been dating for awhile now, and you haven't made any adjustments (to the way you dress)."

"It's not all about you."

":)on't get such a big head."

"Pay attention!"

":)o you even know which direction is north?"

My favorite though, as I am a documentary filmmaker... ."You are spoiled, and selfish. You love talking about yourself. Why don't you go make a movie about it."

[icecream]

-I really don't know who i am, i have to figure out myself

-My life is chaos, you don't understand that

-My head, my neck, my back is killing me

-I understand you don't want to be my friend, i wouldn't be friends with someone like me

-Right now i'm angry

-I miss you

-You don't listen, i told you so many times

-I'm exhausted

-People say I can't be alone, they are wrong... .I really can

-Why do I always have to say sorry

-I don't want to talk about it

- I I I I I... .Always I... .

[nowwhatz]

Gazing into my eyes and saying, "I love you Turkish," said at the time with utmost sincerity.  :'(

Bingo.

That and similiar things said and done are what stings the most and what I don't ever want to experience again.  

The utmost sincerity. Yes.     Being told "I love you" with the utmost sincerity from a person with BPD that you truly love is a form of mental torture which has almost destroyed me.

God help me if she ever attempts to recyle again and says those words.

Was never called names or verbally abused like so many other examples on this thread. That would have been much better.

[disorderedsociety]

I hate myself and want to die

I wish assisted suicide was legal

My back is so tense, will you rub it for me?

My foot is cramped up, will you rub it for me?

What do you wanna do?

Do you wanna get a four loko (alcoholic drink)?

Are you gonna leave me?

You're gonna leave me aren't you?

Who was that girl you smiled at?

Why were you gone so long?

Do you hate me now? (almost in the tone of, can you hate me please? what the heck)

Do you think I'm fat?

I'm so fat, look at me.

I feel disgusting

I just ate ___ and now I'm gonna go throw it up

Why don't you pay more attention to me (after being in the same room for 5 hours and giving responses to everything)?

[arn131arn]

- you will NEVER be inside me again!

Jesus, we can't even make this s!;t up can we?

[SummerStorm]

"I'll pay it eventually"

Gotta love the word "eventually."  To them, "eventually" could mean 1,000 years from now.

[SummerStorm]

"The way you dress is repulsive... .We've been dating for awhile now, and you haven't made any adjustments (to the way you dress)."

"It's not all about you."

":)o you even know which direction is north?"

I was never told that the way I dress is repulsive, but mine tried to get me to wear makeup (I've never worn it; my mom has never worn it), get a new bra from Victoria's Secret (a waste of money, IMO), and change my hair style.

Yes, I got "Not everything is about you" and similar sentences several times.

Mine also doubted my knowledge of things and ability to do things, which is hilarious because, intellectually, we are on the same level.   

[SummerStorm]

-My head, my neck, my back is killing me

-I understand you don't want to be my friend, i wouldn't be friends with someone like me

-I miss you

-I'm exhausted

-People say I can't be alone, they are wrong... .I really can

-I don't want to talk about it

I heard all of these, but the one that really got me is the "People say I can't be alone, they are wrong... .I really can" one.

Mine would complain one second that she has no friends and then later say, "I don't care that I have no friends."  The night before she tried to commit suicide, she  told me that, when she was in college, it didn't bother her that she had no friends at all. 

The funny thing is, my former friend can't deal with being alone.  She gets rid of friends and boyfriends/girlfriends very easily, but she always jumps right into other friendships and relationships.  I don't know her whole history, in terms of specific dates and things, but I doubt she's been single for more than a week in the past five years.  She broke up with a guy in January, started dating her current boyfriend a week or so later, became friends with me at the same time, and then set me up to be his replacement a month or two later.  She refuses to live alone.  She could afford a one-bedroom apartment, but she instead shacks up with the first person who offers. 

She always says that she has so much stress and anxiety in her life, but she is the main cause of it.  If I were constantly thinking about where I was going to live next, I would be stressed, too.  You know things are bad when a person has to move and only has two options at the time--a guy she's been dating for a month and a person she's been friends with for a month--because she has absolutely no one else in her life.   

[ponco]

"Never"

[Lifewriter16]

"You're a callous, heartless b___" did the trick.

Lifewriter

[Erliquin]

"I can see why your ex-wife killed herself."

There were many of course, but this single line was devastating.

[MrTardyPresent]

"Why are you so nice to me?" (Post Cheating/Break up)

"Why do you stay with someone like me?" (After hurting me and using crocodile tears to make me feel sorry for her even though I'm the one that's hurt)

"I felt like we were losing connection." (Post Cheating/Break up)

"You'll understand" (Post cheating/Break up)

[Mutt]

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