Suspecting High Functioning BPD - Help?

[oneggshellshere]

So I suspect my sister has BPD.  We are very close in age and are relatively close.  She has always been a wild party girl who is extrovert and loves to be the center of attention whereas I am a sensitive introvert who prefers to stay home with my family (or read!).  However, I have always felt that things with her are not quite right, but couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  Looking into her past, there is a trail of destruction in her wake in the form of broken friendships and relationships, bad credit, wrecked cars... you name it really.

On one hand she can be very funny, charming and witty but on the other is this dark, twisted person who literally scares the crap out of me.  She has a very successful career with many admirers.  She puts out this “public” image which is quite far removed from reality.  That is a caring, compassionate person who really cares for people.  In reality she is a very self centered person with very little empathy at all.  When will occasionally say sorry but it's usually more about making herself look/feel better than being genuinely sorry.  She thrives on being the center of attention and requires the people around her to give constant praise and admiration.  Conversations are usually directed back so she is the one doing all the talking or directing how the conversation will go.  She will be brutally honest in her opinions of everyone around her but cannot take criticism back in any form.  Her response is typically an off the deep end "Fine, I am the worst person alive and deserve no happiness". 

I feel she meets most, if not all the criteria for BPD.

-   She has had many intense relationships which get very serious, very quickly.  To start with she almost hero worships the guy, then suddenly, for sometimes the most absurd reason (what he was wearing for example!) will dump him and he is literally the anti Christ.  She will bad mouth him to anyone who will listen one day and then is back together with him and worshiping him again the next.  She accuses them of cheating constantly, or she will cheat.   It’s absolutely baffling.

-   Awful mood swings.  She can snap from being happy go lucky to an angry mess in minutes.  For example, our mother commented on the new color of her hair and she blew up and stormed out of the house, slamming the door.  This kind of thing happens several times a week.

-   Her self worth or image fluctuates a great deal.  She also can not walk past a mirror or window without pulling up her top and flexing.  She is obsessed with her appearance and is terrified of getting older.  Has been getting botox/fillers in her face since 19.  She uses fake hair extensions/eyelashes and even illegal tanning injections.

-   She has suffered from an Eating Disorder most of her adult life.

-   Abuses Alcohol, sometimes even seems like she is an alcoholic.  When drinking / drunk her behavior is it’s most reckless.  The start of the night will always be a great party, great happy mood and she is the life and soul of the party.  By the mid point in the night, things will take a sharp downward turn with her turning abusive and often violent (usually with whatever boyfriend she is with) but I have also been the target.  Her worst episode happened a few months ago after a turbulent drug and drink filled weekend.  She ended up self-harming (cutting) to the point of needing stitches.  Her boyfriend phoned me at 5am and when I arrived to try and help she threw every confidence or secret I had trusted her with back in my face, accused me of hating her and thinking of myself as perfect.  Then jumped up and tried to strangle me. 

-   Cutting herself.  Usually in or around a break up but sometimes as a manipulative strategy to get to people.

-   Reckless, sometimes completely dangerous behavior.  Drink driving and completely wrecking her car being the most dangerous.  Thankfully she or anyone else were not hurt.  She has also went to parties where she barely knows anyone and finds herself waking up in someone’s bed with no memory of the night before.   She dresses extremely provocatively and sometimes will even strip.

-   Awful with money.  She earns a good income but is always crying poverty.  She will buy clothes/pampering herself/drink etc well before buying anything for her child or paying bills. 

I can literally think of hundreds of examples of behaviors that to me are absolutely baffling, scary or just plain crazy that have happened over the last 10 years or so.  Mainly I find myself just going along with what she says or does because it’s easier and keeps the peace.  Sometimes, esp if she asks me to do something I can’t do for her, I am walking on eggshells at her response.  Then there is a side of her that seems very young and vulnerable and she makes you feel guilty if you can’t help her more or do more for her.   She is also extremely beautiful and seems to very easily make friends wherever she goes.  Friendships start of intense but then usually fizzle out.  Her friends are always male or much younger girls who seem to almost worship her, like she can do no wrong. 

Sorry I don’t even know how to write about this stuff.  I came across the symptom list for BPD and was flabbergasted – to me she seems absolutely text book.  Of course I brought it up with her because I want her to seek medical help but she absolutely flat out denied there was any problem.  She stated she’s had a hard life, had a ___ time and basically everyone else was to blame.  She told me I am selfish and judgmental and if only I would “give a ___ about her” and help her more, life would be easier.  Again, I was very upset to find myself on the receiving end of this abuse in which I am totally the bad guy.  I do as much as possible to help her, right down to cleaning her house or helping her pay bills.  I look after her child at least half of every week, sometimes, he spends more time with me that he does with her.  I have my own job, family and home to look after.  I am her shoulder to cry on, sounding board and adviser though she never actually listens to or takes my advice.  I should mention that it’s not a two way street.  She is never interested in hearing about or helping with anything to do with my life.

Up until now I have always excused her behavior as “just the way she is”, or something she’ll grow out of, or even putting it down to a less than ideal childhood (mentally ill mother/alcoholic father).  I am just exhausted.  I don’t know what to do anymore for her.  I always forgive her, but as the years pass I am trusting her less and less.  At this point, I feel like just stepping away but I am worried about how that would affect my nephew.  That and I love her and have always felt protective of her. 

Sorry this ended up so long and thank you for reading.   

[Kwamina]

Hi oneggshellshere

Thanks for introducing yourself to the community. Your sister's behavior sounds quite concerning indeed. We can't diagnose people here but based on what you've said, I can definitely see why you would think she could very well have BPD.

Your sister denies she has a problem. Do you know if she perhaps in the past has ever been diagnosed with any kind of mental, emotional or behavioral disorder? Has she ever received any kind of therapy for her issues?

Her worst episode happened a few months ago after a turbulent drug and drink filled weekend.  She ended up self-harming (cutting) to the point of needing stitches.  Her boyfriend phoned me at 5am and when I arrived to try and help she threw every confidence or secret I had trusted her with back in my face, accused me of hating her and thinking of myself as perfect.  Then jumped up and tried to strangle me.

What your sister did here is very disturbing behavior. What did you do when she tried to strangle you? Has she ever been physically violent with you before?

And knowing what she's done in the past, do you feel safe around your sister? To help you assess your safety situation, I encourage you to take a look at this document: Safety First

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting here

[oneggshellshere]

She possibly had post natal depression but has never been diagnosed with anything officially.  She will not entertain the idea of doctors or counselling.  :'(

That incident was extremely upsetting and to be honest I did not expect her to attack me physically.  She has punched  me (in the face!) before when we were around 18/19 but nothing since.  When she attacks me it's usually verbal/ name calling etc.  Which i also never interact or reply to.  That incident, her bf had to physically restrain her while I left the house, then I sat outside for a number of hours until she had fallen asleep from absolute exhaustion.  All her violent attacks are usually directed at her boyfriends. 

I do not feel safe or comfortable around her when she is drinking, so I don't allow myself to be in that situation.  I have stopped socializing where any drinking etc in involved. 

Thank you

[Kwamina]

She possibly had post natal depression but has never been diagnosed with anything officially.  She will not entertain the idea of doctors or counselling.  :'(

It's very unfortunate that she is unwilling to consider counseling, yet not surprising since you said before that she denies she has a problem. There are people with BPD who have learned to better manage their difficult thoughts and emotions, but for this to happen it is essential that the person fully acknowledges his or her issues and fully commits to therapy. Unfortunately this currently isn't the case with your sister but perhaps in time that might change.

I do not feel safe or comfortable around her when she is drinking, so I don't allow myself to be in that situation.  I have stopped socializing where any drinking etc in involved.  

For now though, given the volatile nature of her behavior, it is indeed very important to take steps to protect yourself. Recognizing that she's particularly dangerous when drinking and keeping your distance from her at those times is very wise

Do you in general feel comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with your sister?