Did you believe that your replacement succeeded?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

When I was replaced they both(BPD ex and new object) gave the impression that this RS was a success, so I started to doubt my self. He had made friends with her kids, it seemed ok at the surface. Maybe his personality and intelligence was the right match for her, and he could get something out of it?

I thought : maybe she tried a new secret formula based on less contact and more shallow connection, enabling her to hold her mask for a very long period? She is obsessed to have "in a relationship" as status at any cost and keep that prey in that rs by any means.

And he probable would keep along , since he got a good rs with the kids, and only would see her good sides, not meet her so often.

Do you think this is possible in the long run?

[borderdude]

When I was replaced they both(BPD ex and new object) gave the impression that this RS was a success, so I started to doubt my self. He had made friends with her kids, it seemed ok at the surface. Maybe his personality and intelligence was the right match for her, and he could get something out of it?

I thought : maybe she tried a new secret formula based on less contact and more shallow connection, enabling her to hold her mask for a very long period? She is obsessed to have "in a relationship" as status at any cost and keep that prey in that rs by any means.

And he probable would keep along , since he got a good rs with the kids, and only would see her good sides, not meet her so often.

Do you think this is possible in the long run?

[Schermarhorn]

The guy she was with seemed to have a massive whiteknight complex, but he broke it off with her.

I knew they were doomed when I saw patterns being repeated. But everything appeared perfect.

[Turkish]

Mine is thus far. He's 8 years younger than she, and 18 younger than me. Maybe that's more her emotional level, and it might likely last. She can't ever have kids with anyone else, and I think the kids kept us together longer than we should have been.

[Lostone1314]

my replacement is 12 years older than her @57 , obese & upper mid income wealthy... she is slim and attractive... last i looked ( dont anymore) they appeared happy together... im guessing his $$$ keeps her their as she said i wasnt worth the financial convinience... and her looks keeps him their... so long as he adores her 24/7 puts up with drunkeness ( and he will cause he drinks equally as much) she will stay... in any case they share mutual friends so she has little choice... if she cheats or abuses him her social network is toast.

so yeah they will stay together and likely marry very soon... to be honest i dont care but i do care that @50 im alone and single again and that the dream she sold me has been shattered...

[greenmonkey]

From what I can work out she has had two replacements - both of which have failed.

Both have been recycles - and both have had enough time out to clear their heads and look at her differently. Each have lasted approx 2-3 months no longer.

Maybe she is on replacement number 3 now - I have no idea.

Whatever happens the outcome will ultimately be the same and the patterns repeat, it is down to how much patience and abuse any one will put up with before they have had enough and can see through all the lies.

[Infern0]

My Replacement (who i replaced in kind ) came as a surprise to me but to be fair there were early warning signs that they were doomed and it didn't take long.

[Suspicious1]

I suspect that the traits a replacement would need in order to "succeed" in the relationship with my ex would be traits I would hate to have. I think, quite possibly, that I ought to be proud not to have those traits. For him to have been happy in our relationship, the things I would need (and subsequently what I imagine a replacement would need) would be:

- a strong need to be rescued, preferably to be in actual physical danger every couple of months or so, so that he could achieve the validation he needs by rescuing people and putting his MMA skills to the test.

- paradoxically, not to be too weak. Not to be a victim. To be able to find that fine line between being strong, but also in need of someone *stronger*.

- to have a real admiration and awe for his weight-lifting abilities. More so than if he did something that actually made a positive difference to the world.

- to be as interested and accepting of violence as he is. To be prepared to talk about it every day.

- to be clingy, but at the same time not engulf him

- to give up all sexual fantasies and preferences in order to absorb and reflect his own

- to make him feel the centre of his partner's world. "Visible" as he termed it.

- to give up one's own identity in order to entirely morph into a couple. To the point where any personal social media accounts would be swapped for a couples ones only (he even set up a couples Facebook account where we could merge as one person. I refused to delete my own one. He didn't like that).

- to start any interaction with any unknown man (particularly, but not restricted to, anyone sending messages online) with the phrase "I'm in a relationship with someone who I adore and who is the centre of my world and I'm not interested in anyone else". Even if that person hadn't expressed any interest at all in becoming romantically involved.

- to get married and have a baby

- to have the ability to guess his thoughts and feelings, even if they were in conflict with his stated thoughts and feelings (one of his favourite phrases was "don't listen to the words I use, listen to what I'm really trying to tell you).

So that is what his new partner is going to need in order for him to be happy. When I look at that list, I'm kind of glad I failed.

[balletomane]

He's been with my replacement for four months now. She's his flatmate.

I was his longest relationship by far. All the others lasted four months at most. (One lasted just two weeks before exploding.) If his previous patterns hold, his current relationship has either already ended or will end within the next couple of months.

I think it might last a bit longer as he is less suspicious when he's around someone the whole time, and living together might stave off his paranoia for a while. My estimate is on nine months at most. (And I feel a bit guilty because I want it to fail as proof that it wasn't just me - this woman is really lovely, and if it ends badly with her then I will know for sure that it couldn't have been me.)

[Pretty Woman]

Personally, I don't think any replacement succeeds. Succeeds at what? Securing a f'd up relationship?

People are different so some may not trigger the ex as badly as I apparently did. All I know is I am friends with three of her exes and we all experienced the same patterns, same push-pull... .everything. All three of us are completely different people with very different interests and personalities. I can't imagine the same patterns changing with the current one.

I think it comes down to who is complacent and who isn't. I was a total doormat, hence why we lasted 3yrs. The relationships before me were 6mo and a a year and a half. She also goes back to exes from years ago... .keeps tabs on pretty much everyone.

[zundertowz]

Personally, I don't think any replacement succeeds. Succeeds at what? Securing a f'd up relationship?

People are different so some may not trigger the ex as badly as I apparently did. All I know is I am friends with three of her exes and we all experienced the same patterns, same push-pull... .everything. All three of us are completely different people with very different interests and personalities. I can't imagine the same patterns changing with the current one.

I think it comes down to who is complacent and who isn't. I was a total doormat, hence why we lasted 3yrs. The relationships before me were 6mo and a a year and a half. She also goes back to exes from years ago... .keeps tabs on pretty much everyone.

As much as we would like to see these relationships blow up before our eyes in most cases it may take years and you also don't know the personality of the replacement... .No one will succeed it's just a matter of when the mask slips and how much the replacement is willing to take.

[Pretty Woman]

Mine's mask is already slipping... .she blew up Facebook for a week over people deleting her and not caring about her "feelings" and how happy she is with her new girlfriend.

If you are so happy why do you care if your Facebook friends are deleting you? None of these people are her real-life friends... .just her facade online.

[greenmonkey]

Mine's mask is already slipping... .she blew up Facebook for a week over people deleting her and not caring about her "feelings" and how happy she is with her new girlfriend.

If you are so happy why do you care if your Facebook friends are deleting you? None of these people are her real-life friends... .just her facade online.

Sounds familiar - my ex used add random Lesbians on her Facebook and make out they were her 'friends' - she would chat to them, make them feel sorry for her, use them and discard unless they saw the light before hand. She had no real friends at all. It was all a 'look at me' and I am 'mother of the year' type things - very very sad

[zundertowz]

Mines a bit more manipulative and calculating... .the mask stayed on for a long time only slipping off once and a while the first 2 years until it completely fell off in the 3rd. Her history says it takes three years for the crazy to let loose... .at the moment shes in complete 15 year old FB love bomb mode with all her "friends" egging her on. 37 year old women acting like teenagers.  By the time her relationship blows up I hope I don't even care.

[borderdude]

... .here whats happen:

he broke it up with her many times, but she sucked him back, usually every 1-2 weeks.

Then he broke it up , and she sucked him back and bought  "engagement rings" for both. In her mind they needed rings , that would help

off course not.

[ScotisGone74]

Do I believe my replacement succeeded? At what?     Maybe... .if you consider getting married within two months to someone that has severe mental problems and consistently lies a success, then yes I suppose he has succeeded.     Funny thing is I see him around town in her car all the time and she s never with him, I m guessing that poor guy will figure it out soon enough           

[apollotech]

Pretty Woman:

Personally, I don't think any replacement succeeds. Succeeds at what? Securing a f'd up relationship?

I think this ^^^^ is the question and the answer. Rather than accessing "success" based on longevity wouldn't it be better to make said assessment based on the "quality" of the relationship? The fact is, most of us could have stayed in these unhealthy relationships with these unhealthy people.

[borderdude]

I guess a better question would be : Did you doubt your own decision and thought you could have done it otherwise. ?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I guess a better question would be : Did you doubt your own decision and thought you could have done it otherwise. ?

I actually think I did pretty well under the circumstances.  I got pretty good at handling problems and talking to my exBPD without ruffling his feathers too much.  Lots of gentle conversations, hugs, and reassurance, and we could address most of the relationship problems.  However, all this time, I was only changing his behavior, not creating a deeper understanding of my boundaries and needs.  Sometimes your partner really does need to know that his actions hurt you, not just that it would make you happy if he did things another way.  That conversation could never happen, and it basically enabled his selfish thinking.

I put a lot of effort into making the relationship work without hurting him.  Frankly, I don't see anyone else pulling it off.  He effectively has zero mask, too, even from day one, so I doubt there will be a "replacement."

[Michelle27]

If succeeding is having her desires mirrored and him showering her with attention and him pretending to be something he's not to impress her, than yes.  I look back at the patterns of the beginning of our relationship and he's repeating them, right down to choosing a very overweight, submissive and low self esteem woman.  I'm so happy to be out of that rollercoaster that I don't even care beyond actually having sympathy for her.

[butterfly 27]

Hello 

I dont believe that the relationship of my ex BPD with my replacement will be succeeded, at the beginning may even be good but because it is the phase of idealization and also because she wants to make me feel jealous and show me what I'm losing and that my replaced is better than me and treats her well, now what next is the hell.

This will have no end, it is a vicious cycle. She keeps a "pattern" of relationships that what matters is her happiness, if the relationship escapes this "pattern" she acts as a victim "the drama queen", telling everyone that the person she is romantically involved treats her badly and a lot of things that are not true.

[Pretty Woman]

I should have said: Securing a F'd up relationship... .temporarily because they eventually replace you.

[Pretty Woman]

Michelle,

    YES! I had gastric sleeve surgery in December and lost over 80lbs.  She is now dating a 350 lb woman who is very self concious and insecure.

Easier target?

[Cleveland]

Personally, I don't think any replacement succeeds. Succeeds at what? Securing a f'd up relationship?

People are different so some may not trigger the ex as badly as I apparently did. All I know is I am friends with three of her exes and we all experienced the same patterns, same push-pull... .everything. All three of us are completely different people with very different interests and personalities. I can't imagine the same patterns changing with the current one.

I think it comes down to who is complacent and who isn't. I was a total doormat, hence why we lasted 3yrs. The relationships before me were 6mo and a a year and a half. She also goes back to exes from years ago... .keeps tabs on pretty much everyone.

As much as we would like to see these relationships blow up before our eyes in most cases it may take years and you also don't know the personality of the replacement... .No one will succeed it's just a matter of when the mask slips and how much the replacement is willing to take.

I don't know - my ex moved in with him in less than three months, engaged in less than four.  The wedding was planned for less than a year from when she and I broke up - Sept.  They just broke up two weeks ago.

Oddly, less than a week after he and I met (he had reached out to me via FB to meet because he would be my D's stepdad.  We never spoke about my ex, I was friendly - I did throw a couple passive aggressive remarks out but I don't think he caught them.  He mentioned that his ex wife and he have an amicable relationship and I said "that must be nice."  And he said something about us having to be the adults in the relationship for the kids' sake, and I said "that's all I have ever wanted from the beginning."

No real idea what brought it out - her family is shocked, well they were shocked she moved so quickly with him, but they never saw or heard about any problems.  But as I told her SIL - you were always shocked when I would tell you about a blow out argument she and I would have after a family gathering and everything appeared fine.  She put those outward "everything is great" signs on for everyone else, but alone... .different story.

[Learning_curve74]

I thought : maybe she tried a new secret formula based on less contact and more shallow connection, enabling her to hold her mask for a very long period? She is obsessed to have "in a relationship" as status at any cost and keep that prey in that rs by any means.

And he probable would keep along , since he got a good rs with the kids, and only would see her good sides, not meet her so often.

Do you think this is possible in the long run?

Is it possible? Maybe. So you're thinking maybe your replacement is somebody who will rarely see your ex, and have a very shallow relationship with her, therby staying in the relationship? Take him out and put yourself in his shoes. Is that the kind of relationship you want with your significant other?

When I was replaced they both(BPD ex and new object) gave the impression that this RS was a success, so I started to doubt my self. He had made friends with her kids, it seemed ok at the surface. Maybe his personality and intelligence was the right match for her, and he could get something out of it?

If by "success" you mean a continuing relationship without breaking up down the line, then if your replacement "succeeds" it'll be by having his own issues that keep him engaged in what is an unhealthy relationship.

Have you ever visited the staying board? That might help you better understand the challenges of a continuing BPD relationship.

[once removed]

my replacement lasted, if i recall, a good year longer or more than me. they broke up. i wouldnt call that a success. every relationship is different.

[cloudten]

I do not think they are capable of giving another relationship more than what they gave yours. So, no- I do not believe replacements actually "succeed".

I do think that the more shallow and less emotionally intimate, the longer it lasts.  Its when these people get close that they get even crazier. So even if things appear to be going well in their relationship, its probably because there is no actual substance to the relationship.

[Pretty Woman]

I agree with you, Cloud Ten:

The first two years were hell... .tons of break ups and push pull. Year three I was so distant emotionally... .likely out of self-preservation... .no fights... .nothing. I think we actually lasted long because I stopped giving a shyt. I was so drained and no longer the person I was coming into the relationship. I seemed to lose all joy and sense of myself. While we made it a year with no fights it really wasn't a relationship. She killed that in the first six months.

[zundertowz]

I agree with you, Cloud Ten:

The first two years were hell... .tons of break ups and push pull. Year three I was so distant emotionally... .likely out of self-preservation... .no fights... .nothing. I think we actually lasted long because I stopped giving a shyt. I was so drained and no longer the person I was coming into the relationship. I seemed to lose all joy and sense of myself. While we made it a year with no fights it really wasn't a relationship. She killed that in the first six months.

Mine was a bit different... .the less I cared or fought the more crazy and violent she would get... .so the fighting in the first few years seemed to be less and it showed her i cared... .by year three I checked out because of depression, anxiety, and being exhausted and thats when all hell broke loose.

[llor]

I sure hope my replacement succeeds.

She has been out of my hair since she meet him.

Seriously I'd pay the guy if I could get her off my back forever.

She has shown signs that she wants us to re-establish contact and I am trying to push her back gently (for now until the divorce goes in front of the judge) then I will be free.

I swear to god I'll go : "Judge has given a divorce certificate to Dobby. DOBBY IS FREEEEEE"!

[problemsolver]

I'm not sure ironically enough my exBPD has said things like "she can't mentally handle r/s" or "she's not well" but that didn't stop her from buzzing around guy to guy looking for attention literally a day after she "broke up" with me  and it won't stop her from jumping into another R/S or another mans bed... from what I understand , they just seem to forget about their symptoms when they meet a new partner, everything's new , fresh start , new beginnings , unaware of the childhood trauma , or BPD. She get's to be someone new... then a few months down the line something happens to trigger them and then they are reminded of BPD and perhaps they remember that they aren't suited for relationships etc etc or there head isn't in the right mind space to cope with real relationship conversations and problems ontop of pain that they already have ... .This is something I read from another psych forum from a girl with BPD ... So in all honesty ... The happiness may only be temporary you can only hide who you are for so long ... although in the grand scheme of things if you hide who you are for 6 or 7 months , then the BPD starts to kick in that's when people are generally already "hooked" and confused when this behavior starts happening. So from what I've read it's just a cycle , that will play over and over unless they make some major changes within them self or the "non" play's the game correctly and never really believes the idolization stage ... keeps his or her distance and takes what the BPD says with a grain of salt. In other words the replacement has to know what their up against before the r/s starts...

[borderdude]

My question is based on self doubt only. I have a tendency to forget the bad traits , and remember the good, look at persons in a good light.

[michel71]

Personally I feel very sorry for the replacement to come and for an unknowing heart that will be broken. I have every reason to believe that it will be the same for everyone who crosses her path romantically.

[borderdude]

Another tought... .Before we get to know each other I found out she alteady had been in a full blown rs with "me", yes you read right. I read about BPD persons ability to engage in fantasy rs and it all came to a clearity regarding her behaviour towards me. Anyone that share this experience?

[Heldfast]

Since my replacement cheated with her on me, knowing she was engaged, etc etc, and deliberately trying to lure her (which obviously, she wanted) out of the relationship and to him, I wish them each other in full. If he "succeeds" it's only because he's willing to be the world's biggest doormat.

[seang]

I dont want to think about the future, and whether she succeeds or not.  My issue on this subject is, that with some people they do succeed.

The guy who my ex was serious with before me was everything to her.  She expressed so much emotion for him compared to us it was, well not great.  She lasted with him 2 years.  Moved him in, in 3 months.  Lifted and moved her life and daughter away to be with him.  Had his name tattood on her arm!  And i dont know the truth in the split, but i do know he went back when she wasnt there to get his stuff.  Indicating she was either mental and couldnt be trusted, or that he knew she couldnt bare to let him walk.  IDK.

My point is, who are these people that do do it for them?  Ive read Narcs, or other BPD's.  But someone gets along with them... .although i suppose it still ends!

[saintgrey]

I dont want to think about the future, and whether she succeeds or not.  My issue on this subject is, that with some people they do succeed.

The guy who my ex was serious with before me was everything to her.  She expressed so much emotion for him compared to us it was, well not great.  She lasted with him 2 years.  Moved him in, in 3 months.  Lifted and moved her life and daughter away to be with him.  Had his name tattood on her arm!  And i dont know the truth in the split, but i do know he went back when she wasnt there to get his stuff.  Indicating she was either mental and couldnt be trusted, or that he knew she couldnt bare to let him walk.  IDK.

My point is, who are these people that do do it for them?  Ive read Narcs, or other BPD's.  But someone gets along with them... .although i suppose it still ends!

Well I was with mine for almost 6 year and close friends for 2 years before that, red flags everywhere and I knew something was wrong but i didn't bother to put a label because I though I knew how to deal with her issues, I always thought it was because of her depression and anxiety but now I know she's just addicted to the anxiety pills like any crack addict.

[Pretty Woman]

Seang,

  Oh it still ends... .trust me. I have met the ex's she's raved about. The ones she has returned to many times and they are NPD. An NPD tends to attract back the BPD but is no match for the BPD... .they still get abused and dumped.  My ex left me in 2013 for her ex in Minnesota. Told me she was going back to the "love of her life", "the one who got away".

Came back to me a month later. Told me they had sex but one day she was watching her comb her hair and she realized what it was she couldn't stand about her.

This ex broke up with her partner of seven years to get back with our ex! She gets dumped on her arse. For seven months my ex was talking to this woman on the phone... .she told me her "best friend". I didn't know what triangulation was and that she was actually working on this person to leave me.

Suffice it to say I don't think she (this particular ex) is in rotation at the moment. After that happened and she came back to me this ex pretty much inactivated her FB and dissapeared.

Then again they have been playing this game for over fifteen years... .and she's not the only ex playing it.


I say my ex will never contact me again. I say this yet I know she has tried to contact everyone at one point or another. All I know is she is extremely unhealthy and I am staying the eff away.

PW

[greenmonkey]

echoing PW if all the traits, behaviours are the same, the pathological lying, cheating, silent treatments, rages, leeching, stealing and the list goes on each and every relationship will be the same, the length of time depends on how long it takes the the 'trigger' or how long the other takes to get fed up of being a doormat.

From my guessing my ex has had 2-3 replacements/recycles in 10 months and she is now back on OKC looking for her next victim/relationship.

I feel for whoever gets involved in her life of chaos, lies, woe is me I am a victim, the whole thing of why everyone has treated her so badly and her life is so awful and it goes on.

It will go in a continuous loop, never ending, nothing will change, they will be a lot of women hurt in the process - the just have to be strong enough to get out and get wise to it. It is a shame you can't put health warnings on people

[Mr Hollande]

My replacement succeeded and has it all to come. All the worry, all the mess and all the pain. Good luck to him.

[theoneone]

My replacement is 20 years older than her. So, he "succeed" in landing himself a sexy 20 something year old who seduced him for a one night stand and then just latched on. I've since heard that she's involved with 3 OTHER people as well, and she got fired from her job recently since they were all customers and they started coming into her work ready to duke it out over her.

So... .yeah. They all succeed at creating a lot of drama in their lives by getting involved with a lying, deceitful, promiscuous, unstable individual who puts on an incredible charm in the beginning. Yay for them.

[borderdude]

My replacement is 20 years older than her. So, he "succeed" in landing himself a sexy 20 something year old who seduced him for a one night stand and then just latched on. I've since heard that she's involved with 3 OTHER people as well, and she got fired from her job recently since they were all customers and they started coming into her work ready to duke it out over her.

So... .yeah. They all succeed at creating a lot of drama in their lives by getting involved with a lying, deceitful, promiscuous, unstable individual who puts on an incredible charm in the beginning. Yay for them.

Holy mother ... . 

[theoneone]

My replacement is 20 years older than her. So, he "succeed" in landing himself a sexy 20 something year old who seduced him for a one night stand and then just latched on. I've since heard that she's involved with 3 OTHER people as well, and she got fired from her job recently since they were all customers and they started coming into her work ready to duke it out over her.

So... .yeah. They all succeed at creating a lot of drama in their lives by getting involved with a lying, deceitful, promiscuous, unstable individual who puts on an incredible charm in the beginning. Yay for them.

Holy mother ... . 

Yeah, I was pretty hurt when I found out about my replacement. It was really soon. I even met the guy before we broke up, shook his hand and spoke with him. I feel like she was already working on him as a lineup even as we were together.   But after hearing about all this other drama I really feel like I dodged a bullet. It's made the moving on process easier.

[SGraham]

Personally I feel very sorry for the replacement to come and for an unknowing heart that will be broken. I have every reason to believe that it will be the same for everyone who crosses her path romantically.

Yeah that's kinda how i think my ex is gonna be. We were each others first serious relationship but i know she is going to be like a romance tornado, laying waste to any poor sap who falls in love with her.

[ReneeMurphy523]

i have definitely succombed to the belief that the replacement will succeed.  My ex BPDbf cheated on his gf with me.  Strung her along for three months, before he finally officially ended it with her, to be with me.  I, of course, thought I was the exception and his LDR with her had fizzled.  Not the case.  After a year together, I suppose I triggered him (?) cause I demanded more of his presence/time.  The surge of attention and affection he initially showed me, slowly dissapeared over time, and he became critical of me and emotionally/verbally abusive.  I wanted the man back that I knew in the beginning.  I wanted him to deliver on all the promises he made.  No surprise when I  confronted him about all of it, he left me and ran right back to his ex.

I KNEW it was going to happen.  He had been triangulating me with her in the last couple of months. My insecurities, ego, and fear told me that maybe I was the last "fling" before he settled down with the love of his life-his ex before me- the woman he was meant to be with. 

Cut to six months later.  That relationship ended and he was begging me to come back.  Even though I told myself I never would-I did go back.  I spent four months with him and I ended things this time- cause I wasn't totally happy and he was still shady, and had not proved that he had changed at all.  The trust was totally gone on my part. 

Three weeks later, he moved onto another girl.  I used to work with him, but left the job 9 months ago.  The new girl is another fellow co-worker.  I was not suprised he found a replacement so fast, but another co-worker-in under a year? Holy Hell   

She is smart, cool, and attractive, so I don't want to put her down, but I feel he just went to her cause she is there.  As perhaps, all us were.  Easy targets :-( 

I can't say 100% how this will turn out, but like previous posters have mentioned it's not that our exes have changed, it's really what the other party is willing to put up with. 

All I know is that this second time around my eyes are open wider and I see this behavior for exactly what it is.  I truly feel sorry for the new girl in his life. She does not deserve what is coming.

[fred6]

This thread got me thinking. So I cruised by my ex's FB page to see what was going on lately and noticed 2 things. 1st I noticed that while she used to be a FB junkie, she hasn't really posted or "liked" anything in the past 2-3 months. Just a pic of her daughters first day of school. It's mostly other people tagging her and posting things to her page.

2nd thing that I noticed, my replacement posted this meme to her page just yesterday. That doesn't seem like something a happy couple would be sending to each other. I haven't seen or heard from her in almost a year Sept. 20. Trouble in paradise already? I know it doesn't mean much, but the very thought of our replacement succeeding is just our heads effin' with us. Most of the time, the same problems will arise for the replacement regardless. The only thing different is the timeline depending on what the replacements issues and temperaments are. Keep your heads up guys and gals!

“how to keep a relationship: communicate talk about things the good and bad build trust be honest be faithful be there for one another make time for one another leave the past in the past, which includes ex's know that having arguments are normal know that you won't always be happy don't expect change appreciate the flaws appreciate each other become best friends lastly, love each other unconditionally!”

[michel71]

Ahh Face Book. I hate it. My uBPDw de-friended me several months ago after an argument. She changed her last name back to her former married name (nice huh?) and took every single picture of me off her page, that included the wedding photos. One of my wife's pet peeves was that I had confided in a few close friends when I was having a near nervous breakdown in the last year and that I burst out in tears in front of a co-worker. She didn't want anybody to know our business. Ummm... .maybe... .it was because she had something to hide like she was a crazy abuser? Strangely, my wife didn't de-friend my friends who were on her FB, resulting in them finding out our dirty laundry anyway. How smart is that. One of them is my chiropractor who saw me today and said " what is going on at home". Embarrassing. Apparently my wife has been posting sad poems.

[balletomane]

One of my wife's pet peeves was that I had confided in a few close friends when I was having a near nervous breakdown in the last year and that I burst out in tears in front of a co-worker. She didn't want anybody to know our business. Ummm... .maybe... .it was because she had something to hide like she was a crazy abuser?

This was what led my ex to break up with me. He turned on me in a second over a very minor disagreement about politics that wouldn't have bothered most people. Over the next month of cruel treatment (savage spiteful remarks, him getting drunk and cutting and saying it was my fault, silent treatment interspersed with angry outbursts) I lost a lot of weight, was crying through the night, had tears leaking from my eyes at various points of the day, and developed a near-permanent skittering heart rate. After four weeks I turned to some friends whom I knew would be absolutely honest with me even if it meant hurting me, explained what had been going on, and asked if I was really the abuser he said I was. I had been getting so scared he was right that I was thinking of resigning from my job (because an abuser shouldn't work with vulnerable children) and applying for a vacancy packing boxes in a warehouse, away from people who could be hurt by me. That was how frightened and cowed I had become, and how sure that he must be right. My friends put sense back into me and I told him that this behaviour had to stop. He got really angry that I had "made him look mean" and said, "Well, at least now I am relieved from the pain of trying to decide whether to call you my girlfriend or not." And then we carried on being a couple in everything but in name. I wish I hadn't been such a walkover.

I know that my replacement doesn't know he and I were still involved when she got together with him, and even though at first I thought they might succeed (they live together, and that makes it easier to deal with his suspicious thinking - object permanence problems and paranoia come into play when his partner is away from him) but then I remember that a relationship built on a lie or a half-truth is pretty unlikely to last. And I am a pretty big thing for him to conceal from her. I feel sorry for her because she is probably going to end up devastated as well when the truth comes out. When I told a friend that he had discarded me for his flatmate, she said, "Ha, sensible people don't sh*t where they eat and sleep, that's just asking for karma to come and get you," and I think she may be right.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

My BPD ex replaced me seven times,  so thought only she knew,  at the time I just was waiting them out, actually see was keeping me as a toy to play with if the new toy became broken, most of these lasted a week to two months.  God i thought i was amazing each time she would come to me after each failed relationship, it was great for a few days, then she would feel guilty and honestly become delusional or cut herself because she couldn't deal with the guilt.  oh well.

[Herodias]

My BPD ex replaced me seven times,  so thought only she knew,  at the time I just was waiting them out, actually see was keeping me as a toy to play with if the new toy became broken, most of these lasted a week to two months.  God i thought i was amazing each time she would come to me after each failed relationship, it was great for a few days, then she would feel guilty and honestly become delusional or cut herself because she couldn't deal with the guilt.  oh well.

That's kinda how I felt when these little escapades would happen and he acted like the women were always after him and he would tell me once he couldn't handle it and I would run them off for him!  I knew he was feeling guilty about something when he would start cutting himself as well. It was usually when he was involved with someone else I am finding out now. Guilt and feeling like he failed me.

[SummerStorm]

Mine chose her boyfriend over me.  She told me that he was the reason she was alive and the reason she would keep fighting to stay alive.  She said she was going to fight to be the girl he deserved.  A few weeks later, she changed her Facebook profile pic and unlinked his name from hers in her relationship status (pretty sure it was because she was back on Tinder).  A few days later, they were linked again and had decided to move across the country.  A month later, she texted me to say that they had broken up.  I texted him and asked him about it, and all he would say is that there were "a lot of factors" that led to the break up. 

She's back on Tinder, and some guy I've never heard of liked her picture on Facebook a few weeks ago.  Her relationship status is listed as "single," so I have no idea who the guy is. 

We still talk, but it's about surface things and her hunt for an apartment.  And that's all I want to know about.   

[Auslaunder]

I think my replacement probably succeeded if success is measured by keeping the relationship together. My husband married a girl from the Deep South without any college education from a poor family  8 years younger than me. They had a child shortly after their shot gun marriage so I think she will put up with a lot to try to keep it together. My ex husband kept calling me after they were married so he told me she was monitoring his phone calls. He texted a lot of women lewd photos when we were married so I see her point, but I guess they were fighting some. After I divorced him he started drinking heavily again and got kicked out of the army and moved in with his parents. My ex mother in law is very abusive, also BPD. She threatened to shoot  me once. I don't feel inferior for not sticking around for all that.

[saintgrey]

  after a month, the new r/s is done.

[Mutt]

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