Someone please talk me down...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been almost 2 1/2 years since the breakup and since I've seen her... .There has been no one else for me. Not even one date. I can't imagine loving anyone the way I loved her.

She acknowledged indirectly that she still loves me. I don't want to go into details, but I responded (not saying anything super emotional or saying I loved her too... even though I still do, beyond all reason). And she didn't respond again.

It's taking everything in me to not beg her to tell me how it would be different this time. I knew as soon as I left for good she'd want me back in her life (after the prior 2 years of completely ignoring me). I know she's gone to therapy for a long time and has had a lot of things happen that have forced her to take a good hard look at her life.

BUT I also know that if she had changed, she would tell me how she changed. It would be obvious. I know there's a 99% chance that if I let her back into my life I'd be miserable and scared and wonder what happened to my life again.

But I still miss the good parts of her so much. No one in my life understands this. I can't even tell them what's going on because they'll think I'm crazy for even considering it. *I* think I'm crazy for even considering it.

[purpleavocado]

It's been almost 2 1/2 years since the breakup and since I've seen her... .There has been no one else for me. Not even one date. I can't imagine loving anyone the way I loved her.

She acknowledged indirectly that she still loves me. I don't want to go into details, but I responded (not saying anything super emotional or saying I loved her too... even though I still do, beyond all reason). And she didn't respond again.

It's taking everything in me to not beg her to tell me how it would be different this time. I knew as soon as I left for good she'd want me back in her life (after the prior 2 years of completely ignoring me). I know she's gone to therapy for a long time and has had a lot of things happen that have forced her to take a good hard look at her life.

BUT I also know that if she had changed, she would tell me how she changed. It would be obvious. I know there's a 99% chance that if I let her back into my life I'd be miserable and scared and wonder what happened to my life again.

But I still miss the good parts of her so much. No one in my life understands this. I can't even tell them what's going on because they'll think I'm crazy for even considering it. *I* think I'm crazy for even considering it.

[ShadowIntheNight]

It's been almost 2 1/2 years since the breakup and since I've seen her... .There has been no one else for me. Not even one date. I can't imagine loving anyone the way I loved her.

She acknowledged indirectly that she still loves me. I don't want to go into details, but I responded (not saying anything super emotional or saying I loved her too... even though I still do, beyond all reason). And she didn't respond again.

It's taking everything in me to not beg her to tell me how it would be different this time. I knew as soon as I left for good she'd want me back in her life (after the prior 2 years of completely ignoring me). I know she's gone to therapy for a long time and has had a lot of things happen that have forced her to take a good hard look at her life.

BUT I also know that if she had changed, she would tell me how she changed. It would be obvious. I know there's a 99% chance that if I let her back into my life I'd be miserable and scared and wonder what happened to my life again.

But I still miss the good parts of her so much. No one in my life understands this. I can't even tell them what's going on because they'll think I'm crazy for even considering it. *I* think I'm crazy for even considering it.

Purple, I'll think on your original question later, but for the time being, let me just say that I suspect that at some point I will be in your shoes too. I'm not sure if I'll relish it or still want to punch her in the nose. But let me say this, whether inside another relationship with her or not, you always have a choice over what you want to do. She is not some Homerian siren who opens her mouth and you have to do her will. Just remember that when you get fearful.

Hugs.

[CharWood]

I am sorry you are going through this. I felt compelled to respond. My BPD ex and I were together for 4 years. She has refused to go to therapy the whole time. So, it is a good thing that yours is getting some kind of help.

I cannot relate with you, as of yet, about not seeing mine. She was and is still a typical BPD hot mess when we broke up in July and since then: erratic behavior, emotional detachment, rebounding, replacement seeking, impulsive behavior... .I though for sure she would cut contact with me; however, she stays in regular contact and cannot seem to go more than 2 days without speaking to me in some way: in person, text, or by phone. She has found a replacement; however, she still attempts to rely on me for emotional support and advice and her behavior is very hot cold, push pull. I am not sure how long her contacts with me will last... .who knows. she could drop off the face of the planet tomorrow and go radio silent. But: this is the reality of being with a BPD. Everyday is anxiety because you live in fear of what-ifs, what if she leaves again? what if she starts trying to seek attention from others again? what if she triggers off again? what if she starts acting out again?... its not any kind of life to live. Think about the roller coaster you rode on for 2 years... .it may seem like the highs make it worth it, but the lows, lets be honest, are the worst of the worst... its like living in your own personal hell.

We have been broken up for 5 weeks now. the last time, she came crawling back within 3.5 to 4 weeks (1 month)... .there was no real replacement last time, but there is a quasi-replacement who lives an hour and a half away now. I realized I deserve BETTER than this. I realized that maybe my BPD is not a good enough person for me because she will not get the help she deserves and only focuses on her own needs and brokenness. How can someone actually love you when they cant love themselves? I know it hurts to think that you loved someone and gave them the best of you and those feelings were not reciprocated. Believe me when I say I feel the pain you are going through. Did they want to love us? Yes, probably. So, take some relief in knowing that. But, they cannot love us. They are too broken. If yours has been in therapy for a long while but has stayed broken up with you for this long, why contact you now? Has she apologized for what she has put you through? Has she taken accountability yet for her actions? A lot of BPDs are in denial that they even have a problem... sometimes their contact with you is just to see if they still have their hooks in you in some way... .that's why, when they figure out they may or do, they go radio silent again. We are an object to them, not a person.

The whole thing is very sad. Do not be afraid to call her out and just ask her straight up what she wants from you. Don't be afraid to question her. And, do not be afraid to assert your feelings to her. She may not hear it but at least the seed is planted and you have set a boundary.

[purpleavocado]

It's been almost 2 1/2 years since the breakup and since I've seen her... .There has been no one else for me. Not even one date. I can't imagine loving anyone the way I loved her.

She acknowledged indirectly that she still loves me. I don't want to go into details, but I responded (not saying anything super emotional or saying I loved her too... even though I still do, beyond all reason). And she didn't respond again.

It's taking everything in me to not beg her to tell me how it would be different this time. I knew as soon as I left for good she'd want me back in her life (after the prior 2 years of completely ignoring me). I know she's gone to therapy for a long time and has had a lot of things happen that have forced her to take a good hard look at her life.

BUT I also know that if she had changed, she would tell me how she changed. It would be obvious. I know there's a 99% chance that if I let her back into my life I'd be miserable and scared and wonder what happened to my life again.

But I still miss the good parts of her so much. No one in my life understands this. I can't even tell them what's going on because they'll think I'm crazy for even considering it. *I* think I'm crazy for even considering it.

Purple, I'll think on your original question later, but for the time being, let me just say that I suspect that at some point I will be in your shoes too. I'm not sure if I'll relish it or still want to punch her in the nose. But let me say this, whether inside another relationship with her or not, you always have a choice over what you want to do. She is not some Homerian siren who opens her mouth and you have to do her will. Just remember that when you get fearful.

Hugs.

Thank you!  Well, if your experience is anything like mine, you will probably experience both emotions. I have to admit that for a minute I felt absolute glee that she was still hung up on me- 3 years ago when we were in the midst of the drama, I NEVER ONCE imagined that she would ever be the one begging to talk to me and be with me again. But at the same time, it made me immensely sad... .for both of us in different ways, I guess.

Thank you for the reminder. Things like this always remind me of how screwed up the dynamics were between us, the anxiety I felt when I didn't answer her right away, etc.

[Chrisbazsky77]

 hey purple,

I'm sorry that you're not having a particularly good day today.

It's been almost 2 1/2 years since the breakup and since I've seen her... .There has been no one else for me. Not even one date. I can't imagine loving anyone the way I loved her.

That's a long time to be away from her and still feel so strongly for the good parts we sometimes choose to remember only-especially when we are hurting. I understand completely-you wish that you could wake up from this recurring bad dream and all be fine again.  Have you considered counselling? Have you chose not to date again or were the trial runs a bit hellish:-) ?

You did the right thing by not giving away too much of what you're feeling right now, to her.  You may not realise this but you have pretty much talked yourself down already,quite nicely, in your post:-)

You mentioned a couple of things: that she completely ignored you for 2 years-so you acknowledge deep down that she hasn't been consistent with her feelings toward you. You were weary about sharing your feelings 2 years on with her(perhaps you know she will not process that information as you would hope). You are fully aware that you would be the first person to notice any valid changes in her with treatment.

You are not crazy for feeling the way you do. You loved completely and purely and it's 100% understandable to experience the loss of not being able to express that to a person of your choice any longer.

Keep posting/sharing here.

You're aready on the right track by becoming aware of the actions=consequences scenario. How will you take actions for yourself? How can you ensure great outcomes from those actions?

I know this is a tad cliched but take care of YOU.

I don't usually post a response unless I feel very strongly about a post/thread and I think you are going to be just fine.

[purpleavocado]

Char... .my ex's therapy was court-mandated, which makes me slightly suspicious about whether she's actually trying or not. Although I suppose the same could be said if she decided to seek it for herself... .I just think it would be more likely in that scenario.

I haven't seen mine because I moved a good distance away and it would require a plane ride, or a REALLY long drive. I can definitely relate to your experience about her behavior after the breakup. Mine was erratic with the texts and social media for at least 6-8 months.

I can SO relate to this:  "Everyday is anxiety because you live in fear of what-ifs, what if she leaves again? what if she starts trying to seek attention from others again? what if she triggers off again? what if she starts acting out again?... its not any kind of life to live." You're right. The roller coaster is incredible. I have no desire to do that again. My brain knows that, it's just that the heart sometimes gets behind on the message.  

It's funny (and not in a haha way... ) because sometimes my ex does show a great deal of self awareness. Other times, it's very obvious to me that her warped way of seeing the world is very much the same as it's always been. You're absolutely right that someone who doesn't love themselves can't love someone else. She has admitted to being toxic and putting people on a pedestal and making unrealistic demands. But has she ever given me a true apology, a heartfelt one the way a normal person would? Absolutely not.

What she love(s/d/whatever) about me, and you might relate to this, is what I represented for her. Unconditional love (which ended up not being true, love is always conditional), someone to always stick by her, someone who was willing to compromise themselves to make her life easier/better. And that's not something I can continue. Who wouldn't burn out on that? It's just so sad to think that we really are objects to them.

Thanks so much for listening and sharing your story.  

[purpleavocado]

Thank you so much Chrisbazsky77.

I agree, it's a long time to still feel this way. I think i'm especially vulnerable when she does a "gesture" the way she did this time. But honestly her gesture was really more of a distraction- instead of saying "hey, here's what went wrong, here's what I would improve, I'm going to USE MY DARN WORDS" she did this. Which shows me that there hasn't been much growth there.

I've dipped my toe in the pool and gotten some really weird vibes and cancelled a few dates, hah. I'm probably extra sensitive about it and maybe they were nice and I just talked myself out of it, but who knows? At that point it was better safe than sorry. And since then (about a year ago) I haven't tried at all.

Thank you for your kind words. It's hard to remember when I feel so vulnerable to her that I am still drawing boundaries, and it's nice to hear when i'm doing it without realizing it. And for validating me and telling me I'm not crazy... .we all need that from time to time!   

[sas1729]

Hey,

Something you said in your original post made me think. You are worried that you may never love another person the way you loved your BPDex. On some level I think that's true for many of us. You later on described how the love you gave was unconditional, and followed up by mentioning that love is actually conditional. I think what many of us miss when we miss our BPDexes is how "pure" and unconditional the love we thought we were giving was. I think we miss an ideal, because love is conditional as you said. All of us went through the storm and in the end maybe we lost some innocence about what we think love is.

I no longer think what I felt for my BPDex was "true love". It was, in a way, a selfish outlet for me, since the attention I received (both positive and negative) was total. And it stroked my narcissism. So yes, I liked to think that I was capable of unconditional love, and being there for my BPDex made me feel good. Obviously there were painful times, but I lauded myself for "giving it all I had".

In so many ways I think you are in a good place. Your response and subsequent analysis shows how strong of a person you are. Your compassion is likewise undeniable. What worked for me was getting out and meeting new people. It worked because I had a chance to actually experience what getting to know a person in a healthy way meant. And for many reasons it helped me to calibrate my expectations and thoughts about what a healthy relationship is.

[Chrisbazsky77]

This board jump started me into an entirely different mindset!

Acceptance and self-awareness will be the final keys to genuine healing.

Don't be so hard on yourself. The amazing part of being human is that we are all different:-) we feel differently, think differently, some may take longer than others to find themselves again... .some may choose to stay single for a while and give themselves the opportunity to find love again.

This time around-you get choose what works for you;-)

Stay strong!  

[CharWood]

Oh so she HAD TO get therapy. nice. I wish my ex would have been forced to... but even so, I guess they cant be helped unless they want it in the first place.

Ok, so you live away from your ex. The object constancy comes into play then... .if you are out of sight, then it takes a trigger for her to recover her residual feelings or thoughts about you... .it could be anything really, a facebook post, an old e-mail, on object them reminds them of you... .that's usually when they really vividly remember. That could explain the lapse in contact for you as opposed to my situation. My ex and I actually moved away from her hometown and friends and out of state to my hometown in FL last year... .when we broke up, I thought she would go back to her safety net... but she stayed. so, I was super confused about that part. she said it has nothing to do with me, that she was just "bored" of living in her home city and didn't want to go back... .(but, its funny, everytime we had a disagreement, she sure was quick to say "I wanna move home"

I understand about the heart vs. brain battle. I have it. Hell, I sometimes look at my phone wishing that nutty dummy would text me... .but then my brain says woah, whoah... .uh uh, stop... .its really hard. Sometimes, the heart wants what it wants even if the brain nows d*mn sure its not good for you... .

Yes, my ex had times of clarity like that as well... .but she was never able to sustain them. She really has no ability to self actualize and no sense of self at all. She is not in touch with reality and lives in denial and in avoidance of the real world and being an adult... handling her life. It is only when she is pushed up against a wall and in panic mode that she seems to almost come back to reality for a while... or when she had a stable and loving person like me to be her anchor, though she fought me for 4 years.  

I do relate to you. I absolutely loved her with no conditions. She put me through hell and I stood by her... .but, she left on the drop of that hat when things got tough. see. you are right, there is always terms and conditions attached to the "love" of a borderline. its sad. If they find that one person who is really a stand-up, stable, kind, considerate and loving partner who elevates their life (most borderlines, unfortunately, have a very dysfunctional past and upbringing. unless they are high functioning, their quality of life is not the best and neither are the people they surround themselves with), they push back against that, are very self-destructive, and can cause themselves to lose the best thing they may ever have. You do burn out... .I did. You cannot give someone all of you and get bread crumbs in return. they break you down to pieces and keep on breaking and taking until their can be nothing left.

I struggle every day with this break up... with how the past 4 years went down. I sometimes feel guilty and ashamed of myself for staying and enduring that... for being so blind, for excusing her behavior and ignoring the red flags... .Time does make it better. and education about BPD helps us Nons find closure that we likely will never get from our exes.

Again, my heart goes out to you... .I completely get it. It is not right what we have been put through... .sometimes good people's kindness is taken for weakness and we are taken for granted.

[purpleavocado]

Hey,

I no longer think what I felt for my BPDex was "true love". It was, in a way, a selfish outlet for me, since the attention I received (both positive and negative) was total. And it stroked my narcissism. So yes, I liked to think that I was capable of unconditional love, and being there for my BPDex made me feel good. Obviously there were painful times, but I lauded myself for "giving it all I had".

In so many ways I think you are in a good place. Your response and subsequent analysis shows how strong of a person you are. Your compassion is likewise undeniable. What worked for me was getting out and meeting new people. It worked because I had a chance to actually experience what getting to know a person in a healthy way meant. And for many reasons it helped me to calibrate my expectations and thoughts about what a healthy relationship is.

That is a really good point and I think I'm definitely in that same boat. While it caused me huge amounts of anxiety to love her and be in a relationship with her, it also fed my ego in a very odd way.

Thank you... I think I'm usually in a good place, but I definitely have moments of weakness. I'm terrible at meeting new people but I think it's necessary. I'm glad to know that it's worked for you!

[purpleavocado]

My heart goes out to you as well, Charwood. It sounds like you are processing and understanding everything very well. Four years is a long time to be with someone who treats others the way they do (that's how long I was with mine too). There are times when I still want her number to pop up on my phone; but most of the time it's dread for when it happens.

Hang in there. My post might not have given you much hope about it getting better over time, but it really does.