is she baiting me?

[DestroyedKnight]

I posted a couple of days ago saying how my udpwBPD exgf had text me with what seemed like a very heartfelt and sincere apology for the way she treated me.Even saying how she should never have kicked me out and that she should have talked to me but she lets things build up and it makes things worse and bat crazy comes out. Wouldn't tell me directly that she loves me but insinuated that she does by saying I know the truth.

I thanked her for her kind words and told her I love her but considering she has a new supply now I told her how I can't be in her life in any capacity and arranged to collect my children and drop them off through her mother and I am fully committed to going nc from now on.

Now I dropped my son off at school 35 hours ago and my daughter at her mums house.She has text me in the last 5 minutes with "What has (son) had to eat at yours?"

I replied back with "raw sushi,undercooked chicken breasts and a whole cow dripping with blood".I knew she was insinuating something,and as it happens she tells me our son was sent home from school today 8 and a half hours ago being sick so my question to her was "why did it take you until now to ask me?" and secondly why did she not ask the school?. and considering there has been 35 hours in between my son being at my house did she not think that it could have been her cooking?

she has wound me up to the point where I have told her from now on I will put an inventory of what he had to eat complete with temperatures in his bag when he goes home which received a sarcastic comment back.

Is she for real? what is she trying to do?

[enlighten me]

Hi DK

I have had many of these from what time have you been putting son to bed as he isn't settling now, to what has he had to eat.

I take all of these with a pinch of salt now where before they would wind me up. Having my parenting brought into question is probably the only thing that puts my back up with my exs.

Food poisoning normally takes 1-3 hours before it manifests so when it comes to my youngest son being ill I can work out what he had, when he had it, if anyone else ate the same as him and if anyone else is feeling ill in a split second.

The fact that you told her that you would never be a part of her life again has probably been playing on her mind and triggered her abandonment fears. My ex wife was positive that all she had to do was click her fingers and I would come running back. When it was made clear to her by her mum that there wasn't a cat in hells chance of this happening she started with things like your ex did.

It could also be blame shifting. If your son was sent home at the beginning of the day then it may have been something she gave him or he was ill and she sent him to school anyway. Rather than take the blame she is trying to shift it onto you.

Try not to let this wind you up instead use it to add an extra layer to reinforcing that you made the right decision to break up.

[DestroyedKnight]

I guess what I am trying to say is,do they make up excuses to get you to message them back and if you end up arguing with them then they see it as a small victory or something? at least the lines of communication are open in their eyes.Maybe I am reading too much into this but it seems like she is trying to push my buttons yet again reverting back to old tactics

[enlighten me]

Yes it does seem to be a common tactic to engage people. Im not saying they all do it as they all are different.

My exgf said something once that at the time seemed odd. It was something like if someone cant love me Id rather they hate me. I can now see that positive or negative its all attention where not feeling anything about them means they mean nothing.

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi DK

I have had many of these from what time have you been putting son to bed as he isn't settling now, to what has he had to eat.

I take all of these with a pinch of salt now where before they would wind me up. Having my parenting brought into question is probably the only thing that puts my back up with my exs.

Food poisoning normally takes 1-3 hours before it manifests so when it comes to my youngest son being ill I can work out what he had, when he had it, if anyone else ate the same as him and if anyone else is feeling ill in a split second.

The fact that you told her that you would never be a part of her life again has probably been playing on her mind and triggered her abandonment fears. My ex wife was positive that all she had to do was click her fingers and I would come running back. When it was made clear to her by her mum that there wasn't a cat in hells chance of this happening she started with things like your ex did.

It could also be blame shifting. If your son was sent home at the beginning of the day then it may have been something she gave him or he was ill and she sent him to school anyway. Rather than take the blame she is trying to shift it onto you.

Try not to let this wind you up instead use it to add an extra layer to reinforcing that you made the right decision to break up.


Hi Enlightenme, I was not the dumper,she dumped me after 9 years together mate.It's taken me long enough to get out of the fog with us coming up to nearly a year since the split but I don't understand how she is now in a relationship with someone butt ugly but yet she's not posting it on her fb wall like she normally would have done,it is him who has updated his status and she sends me an apology basically saying I had been there for her through everything and she should never have kicked me out but that is as far as it has gone.Now she sends me a snotty message accusing me of giving my son food poisoning.It is like she knows how to push my buttons and by god she just did for the first time in a long time ,I just don't understand her intentions in it all because I aint going running back to be pushed away again any time soon,been there bought the T shirt

[enlighten me]

Hi DK

Sorry I didn't realise she dumped you. Now your out of the fog you seem to be staying committed to not going back.

My exgf did exactly the same thing with my replacement. She was with him for 11 months until all of a sudden his fb status changed to in a relationship and hers followed shortly after. I was told this. In all the time she was with him she never once mentioned him to me. She would go away to his on weekends I had our son but never made reference to him only the place where he lived.

I have pondered this and still not sure of the reason. My best guess is she didn't want to shut the door on me even though she didn't want to be with me.

Its amazing how they can find our tender spot with such accuracy. Like I said before try not to take it to heart. Its hardly ever anything weve done that theyre kicking off over its more to do with how theyre feeling. Next time have a pause and then and then ask a question back. Something like why whats happened. Give yourself time to process rather than react. You will walk away a lot calmer and she will be left knowing that that particular tactic no longer works.

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi DK

Sorry I didn't realise she dumped you. Now your out of the fog you seem to be staying committed to not going back.

My exgf did exactly the same thing with my replacement. She was with him for 11 months until all of a sudden his fb status changed to in a relationship and hers followed shortly after. I was told this. In all the time she was with him she never once mentioned him to me. She would go away to his on weekends I had our son but never made reference to him only the place where he lived.

I have pondered this and still not sure of the reason. My best guess is she didn't want to shut the door on me even though she didn't want to be with me.

Its amazing how they can find our tender spot with such accuracy. Like I said before try not to take it to heart. Its hardly ever anything weve done that theyre kicking off over its more to do with how theyre feeling. Next time have a pause and then and then ask a question back. Something like why whats happened. Give yourself time to process rather than react. You will walk away a lot calmer and she will be left knowing that that particular tactic no longer works.

I know there are thousands of people on the forum so don't expect you would remember me but I recall private messaging you a few times and you telling me my story was so familiar to yours and triggered you.Congrats on the promotion by the way  

I think she knows that to be with me now that she needs to put the hard work in and right now she is not prepared to do that,she would rather take the easy route by starting the cycle again although she hinted a few weeks back she had been to see a doctor and came up with some cock and bull story how the doctor said she needs to speak with her mother because that is where a lot of the problems lie . My initial reaction was to just ignore the text,I even gave myself 5 minutes to try and process my response but I still ended up angry at her . Not once in the past few months when I have had my children has she thrown these accusations at me so don't know why she is starting now when she has a new supply in her life.

And no longer am I falling for her "you know the truth" crap because if she did love me we would be together now

[enlighten me]

Hi DK

I do remember our pms. Unfortunately my grey matter can get a bit overloaded with info. I recall one of your posts hit home with something your ex did.

Thanks for the congrats. I ummed and ahhed a bit still not quite sure what Im doing 

Just because she has a new supply it doesn't mean everythings rosey. She could be devaluing him as we speak and this could be triggering abandonment fears. You just happen to have been the stress ball for her to take it out on.

I had a couple of little moments like this. After one I was told her and her bf have had a but of grumble on fb. Which is quite big for her to air her laundry in public.

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi DK

I do remember our pms. Unfortunately my grey matter can get a bit overloaded with info. I recall one of your posts hit home with something your ex did.

Thanks for the congrats. I ummed and ahhed a bit still not quite sure what Im doing 

Just because she has a new supply it doesn't mean everythings rosey. She could be devaluing him as we speak and this could be triggering abandonment fears. You just happen to have been the stress ball for her to take it out on.

I had a couple of little moments like this. After one I was told her and her bf have had a but of grumble on fb. Which is quite big for her to air her laundry in public.

Haha I have seen a few of your posts in recent weeks mate and you are doing a sterling job,keep up the good work.I don't know,something very fishy is going on,I can feel it in my waters . She announces that she is moving closer to me,literally round the corner.I find out some bloke who really is god damn ugly and looks like a smack head has posted that he's in a relationship with my ex on his fb wall 6 days ago so I kick off because I find out he drinks and takes drugs and I don't want that around my kids,followed by the seemingly sincere apology and the subtle leaving me dangling saying that she can't respond to me saying I love her but I know the truth.

Now her last message I just received a few minutes ago was very very childish.I told her about the effects of food poisoning and the usual timing and asked her to ponder on it and the reply I got back was "ermmmmmmmmmmmmmm... .Nah"

one minute telling me she should have talked to me and not kicked me out and not acted out like she is and has been doing but is doing just that right now

[enlighten me]

It sounds like your get the full playbook thrown at you.

I hated that childish thing.

Yes it does sound like something is going on. Having so many different things in such a short time isn't normal.

What it is that's causing her to do this though will probably only come to light with time.

Its a difficult one because part of you wants to know so you can plan and another part needs to let it go and not have the stress.

[DestroyedKnight]

It sounds like your get the full playbook thrown at you.

I hated that childish thing.

Yes it does sound like something is going on. Having so many different things in such a short time isn't normal.

What it is that's causing her to do this though will probably only come to light with time.

Its a difficult one because part of you wants to know so you can plan and another part needs to let it go and not have the stress.

Said it many times in the last few months that I would take her back in a heartbeat if she was to take my hand and come with me and see a therapist and work on her issues,seems like she has been triggered again but I could be wrong,like you say I guess time will tell. I think about her constantly,I saw her replacement a couple of days ago literally only 10 yards away doing his upmost to avert his eyes and not look in my direction.If he had caught me at the beginning of the split he would have been beaten to a pulp no questions asked and I probably would have been banged up . But I have come a hell of a long way since then.I don't react,I don't get jealous,I tell her if this is the path she wants to take then so be it but don't expect me to be there to pick up the pieces when the mask comes off again.

It's all well and good posting Ed sheeran songs proclaiming I am the one and how she will change for me in time yada yada but actions speak louder than words.Some nights I feel a warm peace come over me like I am content and stress free.I have a full time job working nights.I see my children every week which brings me so much joy,I don't miss the constant accusations of me cheating when I never physically cheated on her once,the jealousy because I said hello to a woman on facebook telling me to delete them,the being called a sex pest because we had gone two weeks without sex and I was horny and yet again it was my initiating it and getting frustrated that she would just lie there like a sack of potatoes.But by god I miss her and love this woman,I miss the closeness we once had,the laughter,the deep connection and bond and her planning our wedding and life together.Arrggggh

[enlighten me]

It sounds as though your still very torn.

How would you feel if she begged you to take her back?

[DestroyedKnight]

It sounds as though your still very torn.

How would you feel if she begged you to take her back?

I am very torn yes because I know deep down inside there is a lovely young woman I fell in love with who has mental health issues and I want to love her like I always have done and for her to work her way towards getting better with my help.I told her a few night back that I have had to be so strong to get through all this and she was so sorry for her actions and said I didn't deserve any of what she put me through but she hasn't begged me to go back yet and I doubt she will do to be quite honest.

Many people would say it is up to the man to do all the running but been there done that and got shot down in the process and mocked on her fb wall with all her enablers although I know she has one of the first emails I ever sent her after our split in a folder marked important in her gmail which contains a very emotional heartfelt declaration of love for her with a love song by Richard Marx Waiting for you.I feel like I am failing her and all I ever said to her if I give up on her if I walk away.Yeah I have been getting on with my life but I just can't seem to take that final step just yet

[enlighten me]

It is sad. The good we see in them is unfortunately tied to the bad. We cannot separate them. We can either decide that we can bear the bad to have the good or that the good isn't worth having to deal with the bad.

I do not hate my exs. I don't love them anymore as for me the person I loved was a figment of my imagination.

[DestroyedKnight]

It is sad. The good we see in them is unfortunately tied to the bad. We cannot separate them. We can either decide that we can bear the bad to have the good or that the good isn't worth having to deal with the bad.

I do not hate my exs. I don't love them anymore as for me the person I loved was a figment of my imagination.

I don't know,I honestly don't.I am not running round there declaring my undying love for her anymore.Not giving in to her asking for favors or even phased by her acting out or that she may or may not be with a new guy however ugly he is.Ok yeah I think about them having sex and how she always said she only ever felt safe and comfortable with me and even taking off her clothes but maybe that was a lie who knows.I am hearing even more and more stuff come out since the split which she denies and in all fairness the things I have been put through nobody in their right mind would stick around for round 2 but the fact is I really do love her if that is with her or without her.

She has admitted she has a problem but just won't take that final step,so what happens now? I move on with my life and she ends up having another breakdown and calling me one night and I have to decide whether or not to run to her rescue? or she comes up with some lie about how her bf has beat her up or whatever to get my attention.Things were normal and loving for 9 years.she told me she wanted to marry me for about the 100th time a month before kicking me out and then BANG my whole world gets turned upside down. This really is a cruel disorder

[enlighten me]

There was a time that if one of my exs said either of those things I would have come running. Now I would call 999 and either send the police or an ambulance to her.

It might seem harsh but that's what I would have to do to not get drawn in again.

[DestroyedKnight]

There was a time that if one of my exs said either of those things I would have come running. Now I would call 999 and either send the police or an ambulance to her.

It might seem harsh but that's what I would have to do to not get drawn in again.

haha yeah but knowing how much of a nice guy I am,until I get really Bruce Banner angry that is I would probably go running like an idiot.Maybe I am weak I don't know.I have read countless stories saying how people felt like they needed that second hit just to make sure it can't be salvaged.I am not looking for revenge or have alterior motives,I have nothing but love for her.If she feels an ounce of what she ever said she felt for me then she has to put these words into action.I have been angry at her,I have been loving,indifferent,passive.Fought silent treatment with silent treatment,received a random message on fb saying how my ex is shagging my so called friend and responded to it with total disdain and nothing works.Told her I hate her (probably not a good idea) told her I love her with all my heart despite everything she throws back at me and all I get back is "I can't respond to that but you know the truth"

[enlighten me]

I wouldn't recommend going back for a second hit just to make it easier to get over her. My ex wife recycled me and when she dumped me again I was worse off than I had been before.

With my exgf I was determined not to make the same mistakes I did with my ex wife. I decided to think the worst and believe her capable of anything. It helped a lot. A bonus was that when things came out they didn't knock me back as far as they did with my ex wife.

[DestroyedKnight]

I wouldn't recommend going back for a second hit just to make it easier to get over her. My ex wife recycled me and when she dumped me again I was worse off than I had been before.

With my exgf I was determined not to make the same mistakes I did with my ex wife. I decided to think the worst and believe her capable of anything. It helped a lot. A bonus was that when things came out they didn't knock me back as far as they did with my ex wife.

That is exactly my thinking on the matter.I believe armed with the knowledge I now have at my disposal I could make this work if she is willing to at least meet me half way.You probably know all the sick and twisted things my ex has put me through so I know she is capable of anything.I mean phoning up my old employer pretending to be the CSA is pretty out there and telling me to F off and get out of her house then half an hour later texting me asking me if I wanted chinese food for tea and having sex with me that same night amongst countless crazy making behaviors so I don't believe if I had another fall from grace it would be as much of a blow.However as I keep saying the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing and expecting the results to be different (or something along those lines) .

I think I should just go off the radar and carry on with what I am doing.I don't have any desire to date right now,just focusing on work and my children

[enlighten me]

One think that seems to happen a lot is when we get stronger and detach they see us again as who we were in the beginning and this can sometimes trigger them to try and recycle.

Its a strange situation as by this time most wont go back yet before they reached detachment they would have happily done so.

[DestroyedKnight]

One think that seems to happen a lot is when we get stronger and detach they see us again as who we were in the beginning and this can sometimes trigger them to try and recycle.

Its a strange situation as by this time most wont go back yet before they reached detachment they would have happily done so.

Yeah I was blacker than the ace of spades when she dysregulated and kicked me out,my name was dragged through the mud all over facebook.I let the mind games get to me all the while she was sleeping with me and telling me she would always love me but pushing me away. Then thanks to many lonely nights on this forum I finally wised up and the fog began to lift and I saw things for what they were.Hell I even found myself laughing at the behavior she was displaying,logging into whatsapp to see her go offline instantly like a little game a child would play but for some reason I found it delightful (no idea why )

I was ugly,I was crap in bed,she had cheated on me she says,I was a crap father,allsorts of nasty vile things spewed about me and I noticed her family distancing themselves from me.Then I went What the heck I am a nice guy and I don't deserve this.I noticed her sister would join in with her nasty games and figured she probably has a pd too and then I keep getting told by many people that the area I am now living in thanks to my ex is swarmed by women who are nut jobs .Feel like I am in a frigging movie sometimes watching out for blood suckers everywhere :D

As the months progressed she was painting me white again,buying me fathers day presents,saying daddy this daddy that to my son and daughter and charming me with things about our past.her posting songs declaring her love for me,or quotes saying stop holding on to people who clearly don't want to be with you etc etc.Hang on! back up,you kicked me out love not the other way round,I was begging on my knees for forgiveness for something I didn't do and you looked right through me.And I have declared my undying love since and you laughed at me and mocked me but now I aint playing ball you're playing the victim like I am the one who abandoned you? wow  

[enlighten me]

Hi DK

It really is bizarre. My exs have both done the painting white. My ex wife spent last summer wanting to spend time with me on the pretext of seeing our sons. My exgf had the whole family stand at the window waving bye when I dropped my son off. She also posted songs that could have been for me. I got a birthday card from her. It wasn't a loving message or anything but why bother.

I loved both of my exs with all my heart but after everything that has been done by them I will never go back to them. I deserve better than that. Im in no hurry to meet anyone. After all that has happened I actually feel whole. Maybe for the first time in my life. I didn't even realise that I wasn't whole until after going through everything I have.

I still cant get over how scarily similar your ex and my exgf are.

[DestroyedKnight]

Hi DK

It really is bizarre. My exs have both done the painting white. My ex wife spent last summer wanting to spend time with me on the pretext of seeing our sons. My exgf had the whole family stand at the window waving bye when I dropped my son off. She also posted songs that could have been for me. I got a birthday card from her. It wasn't a loving message or anything but why bother.

I loved both of my exs with all my heart but after everything that has been done by them I will never go back to them. I deserve better than that. Im in no hurry to meet anyone. After all that has happened I actually feel whole. Maybe for the first time in my life. I didn't even realise that I wasn't whole until after going through everything I have.

I still cant get over how scarily similar your ex and my exgf are.

haha the funny thing was I was telling my story to the lady cutting my hair who I have been going to for years and she was telling me about her mans exes and how he was based in Germany.Made me think of you .

Yeah I think for the first time in my life I am starting to really appreciate me and realise that it is myself who creates my own happiness not someone else.And especially someone who displayed that many red flags when we first got together.What the hell was I thinking? seems I have issues too if I am going to let someone like that in my life and then be so effected when it goes wrong like it did big time

[enlighten me]

You also need to remember that only you can make you unhappy as well.

It was a strange light bulb moment for me. I then thought back to friends who just seem to go through life shrugging off the bad stuff. I remember once in the army a group off us got torn into for something we had done wrong. I was quite devastated and really took it to heart one friend just shrugged it off and walked away giggling. I didn't understand how he could do this but now I realise that I have always strived to please and put too much emphasis on what people think of me. His I am who I am and you can like it or lump it attitude now makes complete sense.

[DestroyedKnight]

You also need to remember that only you can make you unhappy as well.

It was a strange light bulb moment for me. I then thought back to friends who just seem to go through life shrugging off the bad stuff. I remember once in the army a group off us got torn into for something we had done wrong. I was quite devastated and really took it to heart one friend just shrugged it off and walked away giggling. I didn't understand how he could do this but now I realise that I have always strived to please and put too much emphasis on what people think of me. His I am who I am and you can like it or lump it attitude now makes complete sense.

yep guilty as charged.I know for a fact I am mr nice guy,do anything to please anybody.Probably why my ex was so attracted to me in the first place.Some might say gullible .

I had the same thing kind of happen with me a few weeks back.Started my new job in a well known british supermarket on nights and I was doing my upmost to get the job permanently and trying to impress.Well every department is scored each morning on how well they are stocked,cleanliness etc.One night I got a score of 8 and then next I got a 7 but I worked equally hard if not harder on both nights but my god I took it to heart until my manager just casually turned around and said "ahh don't bother with the score,they are a load of bollocks" . Bit sensitive of me then haha

[enlighten me]

I found with my last job this work ethic was a double edge sword. Yes I got recognition but it made me the go to guy. Probably doubled my work load and meant others rather than pulling their weight were left to get away with slacking as it was easier for me to pick up the slack than deal with them.

As I was going through what I was I got to a point where I had enough. I pushed back and probably a lot harder than was good. I swung the other way for a time and stuck to only what I had to do. I became anti with some of my bosses as I had enough of every job being passed onto me. I probably didn't handle it as well as I should have.

In they end they got my point and started sharing the work out. Probably cast a shadow on me but not a big enough one for them not to want me again.

[DestroyedKnight]

I found with my last job this work ethic was a double edge sword. Yes I got recognition but it made me the go to guy. Probably doubled my work load and meant others rather than pulling their weight were left to get away with slacking as it was easier for me to pick up the slack than deal with them.

As I was going through what I was I got to a point where I had enough. I pushed back and probably a lot harder than was good. I swung the other way for a time and stuck to only what I had to do. I became anti with some of my bosses as I had enough of every job being passed onto me. I probably didn't handle it as well as I should have.

In they end they got my point and started sharing the work out. Probably cast a shadow on me but not a big enough one for them not to want me again.

Yeah there comes a point with me where I finally snap and speak up too,when I first started there the guy who was training me up was complaining that he does more work than all the other lads because our section is the biggest and is aggrieved that he gets paid the same as everyone else.Now I have a permanent contract,I too am the guy thinking the same thing .

It's kind of like that with my ex,I love her.I have even questioned if it is addiction or love and it definitely is love which is probably why I can ignore all the bad behavior and sometimes even blank it out and forget it even happened and plus that way it doesn't trigger her off again into act out mode.But there comes a point when my patience runs out when she's off with the new bloke (or maybe it's a wind up) who knows, and I get the baiting messages and I step back and take account of the whole situation and think how many times do I have to tell this woman I love her? and give her the direction she needs to take,all the while being ignored and even more acting out. It would be easier to walk away I agree,I even said to her many months ago she is lucky I am still speaking with her after all she put me through and she agreed

[enlighten me]

Addiction is a state characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences.



What you have to bear in mind is that we are all individuals. You mention the direction she needs to take but this is only from your point of view. How many times have we all been given advice and not listened to it. It doesn't mean that the advice was bad it just means that it didn't meet with what we wanted to do.

I could tell you to do this or do that but would you do it?

[DestroyedKnight]

Addiction is a state characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences.



What you have to bear in mind is that we are all individuals. You mention the direction she needs to take but this is only from your point of view. How many times have we all been given advice and not listened to it. It doesn't mean that the advice was bad it just means that it didn't meet with what we wanted to do.

I could tell you to do this or do that but would you do it?

spot on mate I fully agree.I keep saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.I have fast learned that I can't control her actions,all I can take resposibility is for myself which is why sitting here today I feel much more stronger and able to counteract the BPD unlike I was in the beginning.I am fast learning that she does not respond well to no response and will often retaliate if I kick off with her like I did last night .So the simple answer is 'I don't anymore'.If she wants me out of her life which she said many times then so be it,but then don't keep texting me every couple of days with a random question asking for assistance or coming up with some nonsense about my kids to get a reaction from me because if she carries on the way she is going I will get a new phone and blank her out of my life completely.

She can't have it both ways.Shortly after the split she resorted to drinking alcohol (probably to block out the pain).I babysat my children at her house one night and I was still very much in a state of shock.Now bearing in mind she told me she does not love me anymore and was telling me she was involved with someone else off the internet my head was cabbaged.Then before she goes out on the town she turns to me,looks at me lovingly and then leans in for a full blown passionate kiss then when she gets home has sex with me.Tried that a month later and she pushed me away.It is and was so confusing

[Take2]

It's kind of like that with my ex,I love her.I have even questioned if it is addiction or love and it definitely is love which is probably why I can ignore all the bad behavior and sometimes even blank it out and forget it even happened and plus that way it doesn't trigger her off again into act out mode.But there comes a point when my patience runs out when she's off with the new bloke (or maybe it's a wind up) who knows, and I get the baiting messages and I step back and take account of the whole situation and think how many times do I have to tell this woman I love her? and give her the direction she needs to take,all the while being ignored and even more acting out. It would be easier to walk away I agree,I even said to her many months ago she is lucky I am still speaking with her after all she put me through and she agreed

Addiction became a huge factor in how I wound up begging an abusive man with BPD to stay with me in a relationship over and over.  Love addiction.  It's not a joke.  The brain does reward itself from the push/pull behavior.  You wind up trying over and over to please this person who part of the time is giving you the best love in the world and then the other part of the time is cutting out your heart.  Long after the mask fell, I still couldn't walk away from this guy.

He was brutal to me.  Truly truly awful in the end.  And yet I begged for it practically by staying.  It made NO sense on my part at all to beg to treated so badly.  It felt like love.  It still feels like it was the love of my life. But I'm far enough removed from it FINALLY to know that the addiction was at work for me.  That doesn't mean it wasn't also love I guess.  Just means I had (and still have) a lot of work to do on myself... .  time and distance are a good thing!  

[enlighten me]

Sounds like you are at a key turning point.

Her games you are now noticing. Your no longer wanting to be the white knight an come running. You realise your not responsible for her actions and have no control over them.

Your priorities are changing to you and the kids. She has dropped down the pecking order from being number one to number three.

[DestroyedKnight]

It's kind of like that with my ex,I love her.I have even questioned if it is addiction or love and it definitely is love which is probably why I can ignore all the bad behavior and sometimes even blank it out and forget it even happened and plus that way it doesn't trigger her off again into act out mode.But there comes a point when my patience runs out when she's off with the new bloke (or maybe it's a wind up) who knows, and I get the baiting messages and I step back and take account of the whole situation and think how many times do I have to tell this woman I love her? and give her the direction she needs to take,all the while being ignored and even more acting out. It would be easier to walk away I agree,I even said to her many months ago she is lucky I am still speaking with her after all she put me through and she agreed

Addiction became a huge factor in how I wound up begging an abusive man with BPD to stay with me in a relationship over and over.  Love addiction.  It's not a joke.  The brain does reward itself from the push/pull behavior.  You wind up trying over and over to please this person who part of the time is giving you the best love in the world and then the other part of the time is cutting out your heart.  Long after the mask fell, I still couldn't walk away from this guy.

He was brutal to me.  Truly truly awful in the end.  And yet I begged for it practically by staying.  It made NO sense on my part at all to beg to treated so badly.  It felt like love.  It still feels like it was the love of my life. But I'm far enough removed from it FINALLY to know that the addiction was at work for me.  That doesn't mean it wasn't also love I guess.  Just means I had (and still have) a lot of work to do on myself... .  time and distance are a good thing!  

Thanks Take2. I think the addiction side comes from wanting things to be how they used to be and possibly sparking that charming loving young woman back to life again but it is a fight I am losing day by day.All I am doing is going on with my life,hoping she might see the light.Now of late there have been small glimpses and she has told me she plans to see a doctor but then the nonsense about the doc saying she should speak with her mum and then a couple of night back the sincere apology telling me she should never have kicked me out and keeping me dangling after I said "I wish you could find the courage to tell me,maybe one day" and she replied "you never know what's around the corner".I am being fed scraps and dangling carrots while she gets with the first bloke who shows her the slightest bit of interest.Is that all I am worth? no I don't believe I am.

Although I have no desire to get back in the dating game again,how would she feel if I started seeing someone? I think I know the answer to that,so why does she insist on hurting me by doing just that?

And I fully agree with the time and distance.Although she now lives 2 minutes around the corner from me and no doubt any day soon I will probably bump into her as I live slap bang in the centre of town where the shops are .

[DestroyedKnight]

Sounds like you are at a key turning point.

Her games you are now noticing. Your no longer wanting to be the white knight an come running. You realise your not responsible for her actions and have no control over them.

Your priorities are changing to you and the kids. She has dropped down the pecking order from being number one to number three.

Yeah so much so that for the last hour she has upped her game to now accusing me of saying things to my son which are totally untrue and threatening me saying I am lucky she has not stopped me from seeing them after the things our son comes out with.I know these are lies because I have not said a word to him about her other than explaining why myself and her do not hug and kiss anymore but I did it in a grown up calm way like any father would do.Now bearing in mind I have a text message on my phone from her saying "I would never take your kids away from you because I know they are your world" I have just reminded her of this and she has shut up for now.Also accusing me of money being more important than my kids but what she doesn't realise is when you are kicked out of your own home with nowhere to live,houses/flats,money don't just fall out of the sky.Well they do for her because she gets benefits .

Looks like I could be going to court soon and this being very costly

[enlighten me]

I would start gathering evidence.

This may sound harsh but if it comes to court you want to be prepared for any wild allegations.

I made the mistake with my ex wife of thinking she would amiable during the divorce. I spent a fortune defending against wild allegations that she would drop before it came to court. By this time though I had already had the lawyer send several letters countering them.

Do you have any record of her saying these things?

It might be worth getting a Dictaphone and switch it on every time you see her.

[DestroyedKnight]

I would start gathering evidence.

This may sound harsh but if it comes to court you want to be prepared for any wild allegations.

I made the mistake with my ex wife of thinking she would amiable during the divorce. I spent a fortune defending against wild allegations that she would drop before it came to court. By this time though I had already had the lawyer send several letters countering them.

Do you have any record of her saying these things?

It might be worth getting a Dictaphone and switch it on every time you see her.

I have numerous text messages still on my phone from her saying she is bat ___ crazy and like I said in previous posts saying she should never have kicked me out.Also saying she would never take my children away from me because they are my world and every message since then has been logged including the threats. Basically she is saying my son has relayed back to her that I said she probably has a certain number of six nations rugby teams in her house when I never said anything of the sort and also saying he has been telling her allsorts of things I have meant to have told him which are lies.Knowing what she is capable of she could put anything into that poor childs head so god knows what is going to happen in the coming weeks.

I feel like yet again because I am not reacting to her how she expects in regards to her having a new man in her life she is kicking off like only a child would and using every trick in the book

[DestroyedKnight]

oh in and in regards to the dictaphone,there will be no need for that because I have taken face to face enounters with her out of the equation because I have told her to drop the children with her mother from now on so she is obviously clutching at straws trying to create more drama.

It had been relayed back to me through a mutual friend that she was really kicking off on her fb last night at 9pm around about the time I was telling you about her texts accusing me of giving my son food poisoning.So I took to fb for the first time in a long time and warned her that unless she wants me to post all her texts she has recently sent me I suggest she stops with her bullsh*t and she swiftly removed the post I was told

[enlighten me]

I hope the rugby teams werent the pacific islanders. Some of those Tongans and Fijians are huge 

I kept all communication to email or text. It calmed my ex wife down knowing it could be read. Its good that you have removed face to face from the equation as you cant be accused of threatening her.

[DestroyedKnight]

I hope the rugby teams werent the pacific islanders. Some of those Tongans and Fijians are huge  

I kept all communication to email or text. It calmed my ex wife down knowing it could be read. Its good that you have removed face to face from the equation as you cant be accused of threatening her.

haha no 3 of the six nations rugby teams and not my home country was mentioned in there which I was mightily disappointed about  . This really is bizarre behavior mate,like i said last night.She has got a new supply now so why the hell is she coming at me with all this nonsense?.

I feel like this whole thing is all just a massive game to her.Couple of weeks ago her status on fb read "just call me Freddie" as in the nightmare on elm street character.A week later I see this bloke setting his relationship status as seeing my ex and all the while I am not reacting to anything

is the little child throwing her dummy out of her cot by any chance? did I mention I love her?

[enlighten me]

I think you may have mentioned you love her 

Yes it is odd and does come across as very childish. What her end game is I couldn't say an maybe she cant either.

[shatra]

Enlighten me wrote--

   Just because she has a new supply it doesn't mean everythings rosey. She could be devaluing him as we speak and this could be triggering abandonment fears.

------Correct. The new supply will likely get the same treatment  that we did.  Curious--how would the BPD devaluing the partner trigger abandonment fears in the BPD?

[shatra]

Knight wrote---

Although I have no desire to get back in the dating game again,how would she feel if I started seeing someone? I think I know the answer to that,so why does she insist on hurting me by doing just that?

------Mine told me to "find someone better than" him, but I wonder how he would feel if I do so?  Would yours be upset and jealous if you meet someone?

----Sounds like things are not so rosy with your ex's new partner. Would you be able to get past the upset feelings of her being with him now, if she returns to you in the future?

[DestroyedKnight]

Knight wrote---

Although I have no desire to get back in the dating game again,how would she feel if I started seeing someone? I think I know the answer to that,so why does she insist on hurting me by doing just that?

------Mine told me to "find someone better than" him, but I wonder how he would feel if I do so?  Would yours be upset and jealous if you meet someone?

----Sounds like things are not so rosy with your ex's new partner. Would you be able to get past the upset feelings of her being with him now, if she returns to you in the future?

The distinct impression I get from all this right now is she is using this guy as a way to get to me.Either she is with him for real and she is using him in some sick triangulation to get me back in the game which I have not been playing.Or she had told him to update his fb to reflect she is in a relationship.Considering she is spending alot of time focusing her attention on me and taking to fb yet again I would suggest the latter but either way I do not care now. When I love somebody like I do her,I don't go off with someone else and I am sure many rational normal people don't on this forum so her actions are just making me sick rather than making me love her.

The treatment I got at the beginning of our relationship was love bombing with red flags thrown into the mix and a touch of drama and lies but I ignored all of it.Then things were normal and loving for many years with numerous talks of our marriage and her saying I was her soulmate and she never wanted to lose me.Always saying "if we split up I hope we remain friends" which I found very strange and would often say we are not going to split up so why do you keep saying that.I know now! . I am not even jealous of this guy in all fairness.He really is dog ugly,skin and bones and not a patch on me so as I walked past him I just laughed and said "wow what a state".My main concern right now is my children and I think she knows this which is why she is playing hard ball yet again because I refuse to play her games

[shatra]

 Knight wrote---

I am not even jealous of this guy in all fairness.He really is dog ugly,skin and bones and not a patch on me so as I walked past him I just laughed and said "wow what a state"

-----So he is clearly several steps "below" you----she may have chosen someone who is likely to put up with her and is not likely to abandon her... .so if she returns to you, you would be able to get past this, the fact that she is with him right now instead of you?

-----How would she react if you go out with someone else----would she be jealous?

[DestroyedKnight]

Knight wrote---

I am not even jealous of this guy in all fairness.He really is dog ugly,skin and bones and not a patch on me so as I walked past him I just laughed and said "wow what a state"

-----So he is clearly several steps "below" you----she may have chosen someone who is likely to put up with her and is not likely to abandon her... .so if she returns to you, you would be able to get past this, the fact that she is with him right now instead of you?

-----How would she react if you go out with someone else----would she be jealous?

I don't think many people would put up with the things I went through with her if they are ugly or not.I witnessed some seriously mad stuff in the 9 yrs.Running off to her mothers house in another country because she was in a state of panic because I started a new job.I hardly ever went out,I don't drink or do drugs and this guy does so he'll be in the pub and she is going to just love that .

I was never ever going to adandon her no matter how much her head tells her otherwise and if she returns to me yeah I could forgive her for being with him right now because I made a mistake and went with someone else after the split but with the way she had messed my head up I was all over the place

[enlighten me]

When a pwBPD meets someone its not about looks or money its about getting their supply met. A lot of the times they appear to have got a downgrade but that's based on our values and not theirs.

Sometimes a downgrade gives them what they need as they are held in higher esteem by tem. The she's so beautiful and way out of my league Im so lucky mentality kicks in. Because of this they are sometimes willing to go out of their way to please.

[DestroyedKnight]

When a pwBPD meets someone its not about looks or money its about getting their supply met. A lot of the times they appear to have got a downgrade but that's based on our values and not theirs.

Sometimes a downgrade gives them what they need as they are held in higher esteem by tem. The she's so beautiful and way out of my league Im so lucky mentality kicks in. Because of this they are sometimes willing to go out of their way to please.

yeah I completely get that but what if a pwBPD is with a not so ugly guy with a heart of the gold and that guy was forever buying her flowers,telling how beautiful she was,that he loved her and she never believed a single word I said,so will the same apply to the new bloke? no matter how much he does all these things and even more so because he really wants to keep hold of her she will sabotage it eventually anyway or then the enmeshment kicks in?

[enlighten me]

The cycle repeats until the pwBPD is willing to break it.

What she gets from someone that is attractive and has money will give her a different set of feelings than an ugly broke guy.

With the first her fear of abandonment may be the primary emotion that drives her.

With the later her sense of being able to do better could drive her.

You will probably have seen with your ex her flip flop with what she wants. These unstable feelings are what drive them.

[DestroyedKnight]

The cycle repeats until the pwBPD is willing to break it.

What she gets from someone that is attractive and has money will give her a different set of feelings than an ugly broke guy.

With the first her fear of abandonment may be the primary emotion that drives her.

With the later her sense of being able to do better could drive her.

You will probably have seen with your ex her flip flop with what she wants. These unstable feelings are what drive them.

Seen it many times.Always wanting something new,i.e driving lessons,new pet,new hobby and all these things never lasted long.was almost like she was trying to get a quick fix.Maybe this is the same with the new guy.I just don't know how she managed to stay with me for nearly 9 years before she blew.And I know she is now stalking me

so the apology the other day was just a way to keep me on the back burner just in case things with the new guy fizzle out I take it?. It seemed very sincere and especially with her admitting she is bats**t crazy and that she should have talked to me.But what did she want me to do? because I know how this goes now.I go running round there to sweep her off her feet,maybe end up in bed with her and then she pushes me away again

[enlighten me]

The problem I had with my exs is I didn't hear what they were saying. I listened but what she was saying was hidden.

For instance her saying she was bat s crazy could have been her way of trying to tell you she cant help what she does so you should move on. It could have just been her saying it as an explanation of her behaviour.

Its hard to hear what they are truly saying as they mix it up and don't express and think they said it when they didn't.

It doesn't help us end the confusion just knowing they have a PD.

Whats more important is whether you want to deal with that anymore.

[DestroyedKnight]

The problem I had with my exs is I didn't hear what they were saying. I listened but what she was saying was hidden.

For instance her saying she was bat s crazy could have been her way of trying to tell you she cant help what she does so you should move on. It could have just been her saying it as an explanation of her behaviour.

Its hard to hear what they are truly saying as they mix it up and don't express and think they said it when they didn't.

It doesn't help us end the confusion just knowing they have a PD.

Whats more important is whether you want to deal with that anymore.

Her actual words were (I have them saved for proof because that apology has been long overdue ). "I should have spoke and not just kick you out,talking is not my strong point,more bottle it up until it gets bad then it all comes out or sends me bat sh*t crazy b*tch". Even saying she should never have acted out like she has been doing and admitting that she has done and said some nasty things.Now whilst I heard all that,I also thought at the same time.They are just words and no action,so it is all well and good texting me an apology but the things she has put me through will stay with me until I die.

If she seeks help then yes definitely.I already told her if that is the path she chooses to take then she will have me in her corner fighting with her every step of the way or carry on repeating the cycle and then find out I am not there when it all goes Pete Tong

[enlighten me]

Interesting that in her apology she never says sorry.

[DestroyedKnight]

Interesting that in her apology she never says sorry.

sorry yeah she did

"I have said I have done nasty things and I don't and won't deny that and no you didn't deserve it either and for that I am sorry.You had been there through everything when we were together and still was even after we wasn't and it should have been different and not me acting out this way so I am sorry and really do mean it and not just saying it to you"

So she said sorry twice,but as to what she wants to come of that apology is anybodys guess really.Maybe she just wants to make herself feel better or take some guilt away

[HappyNihilist]

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