I responded...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He sent a third email, littered with "sincere" apologies and deep remorse, and to this one I wrote back. I indicated that I want to maintain NC (which I know is not embodied in the fact that I'm writing back! I'm weak!) and I also told him I think he needs to address the underlying psychological issues that cause him to "unravel" and "destroy everything" (his words) - subtly hinting toward BPD.

I know, this (based on everything I've read on this forum) was not a wise decision. I get to be weak, too, right? So now I brace myself... .

[MSNYC]

He sent a third email, littered with "sincere" apologies and deep remorse, and to this one I wrote back. I indicated that I want to maintain NC (which I know is not embodied in the fact that I'm writing back! I'm weak!) and I also told him I think he needs to address the underlying psychological issues that cause him to "unravel" and "destroy everything" (his words) - subtly hinting toward BPD.

I know, this (based on everything I've read on this forum) was not a wise decision. I get to be weak, too, right? So now I brace myself... .

[Mutt]

Hi MSNYC,

I sent a similar message in the early stages of detachment. It sounds like you have set a limit with advising him that you're going NC, we're responsible with defending our morals and values. What are you going to do if he responds and he's on the attack?

[hollycat]

Well, if you are weak, I am certainly right there with ya, sister!

If he does respond back, I would NOT engage in JADE. I seem to do that all the time with BpdH and I am sick of it.

If he does respond back, send him articles about BPD and suggest therapy and meds.  DO not even agree to see him unless he can prove he has entered therapy and is on meds.

Just my advice. It's what I suggested to BpdH but he is in denial and thinks I am the sick one.

[Schermarhorn]

"I'm just extremely sorry beyond the point that you could never understand. I made many mistakes repeatedly and I regret them. I was just really messed up and confused. I'm better now that I've figured out some stuff."

That was my ex's opener for the last time we had contact. I ended up talking to her and she started bashing me the night after that message. They are just saying whatever they can to get you to respond. They mean none of it.

[JohnnyShoes]

"I'm just extremely sorry beyond the point that you could never understand. I made many mistakes repeatedly and I regret them. I was just really messed up and confused. I'm better now that I've figured out some stuff."

That was my ex's opener for the last time we had contact. I ended up talking to her and she started bashing me the night after that message. They are just saying whatever they can to get you to respond. They mean none of it.

Thanks Nonya24... .

Needed to hear that tonight.

hey are just saying whatever they can to get you to respond. They mean none of it.

[MSNYC]

Wow I just learned what JADE is (after the fact - thanks for pointing it out hollycat!) Nonya24: almost identical response from boy. He wrote:

"I just needed to tell you how sorry I am and how much I still love you.  I needed to say how wonderful and beautiful you are. I also wanted to express what a huge part of my daily life you still are and how much you've affected me. I know we aren't friends but even still your the best I have now and the best I've ever had.  I hope this gives you some closure and that you know my apology is sincere." Also a ton of apologies for being a "dick." No attention at all to the fact that I said he might consider professional intervention for the dangerous out-of-touch-with-reality spiral he exposed me to. He ended the email with "deleting you from my contacts now so I don't bother you again." Then an hour later he wrote to me to say our dog really misses me and even though we can't be friends maybe he could drop off the dog sometimes. JEEZ IT'S LIKE HE READ THE TEXTBOOK AND IS EMBODYING IT. I'm not writing back, but I'm guessing it's not the last I hear from him. Thanks for chiming in, everyone.

[hurting300]

He sent a third email, littered with "sincere" apologies and deep remorse, and to this one I wrote back. I indicated that I want to maintain NC (which I know is not embodied in the fact that I'm writing back! I'm weak!) and I also told him I think he needs to address the underlying psychological issues that cause him to "unravel" and "destroy everything" (his words) - subtly hinting toward BPD.

I know, this (based on everything I've read on this forum) was not a wise decision. I get to be weak, too, right? So now I brace myself... .

How are you weak? You told him your wishes. You are brave enough to speak your mind and not be a coward. You have great communication skills. Your never weak until you go back, you're standing your ground ...

[MSNYC]

Thank you hurting300 - needed that validation.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MSNYC, I love the part about the dog.  Talk about manipulation!  He's using the dog to entice you back through guilt, obligation or "cuteness"!   

My suggestion: don't fall for it.  It's a lure to see if he can hook you again.

Stay strong.  Sounds like you're doing great.

LuckyJim

[cyclistIII]

I think there's sometimes a dogmatic sense on this board of NC being a Commandment and of contact of any kind being a Deadly Sin... .but I have made contact or briefly responded to him several times and not suffered more from it.

I think what's important is the motivation. If you're saying something because you need to say it, for your own sake, to feel that those words have been said so you can release them and let them go, or to know that you have done the decent thing by addressing their questions or apologizing for your mistakes, because you want to know YOURSELF that you did the decent and reasonable thing, regardless of your ex's ability to understand or even truly hear your words, then that can be useful, and help you be in a place to fully let go and move on.

If you're expecting your ex to respond in a certain way, or wanting something from them, or if you're not prepared for their potential angry or blaming response, then it can be very harmful.

Those are my new thoughts on NC. I don't think you were weak to respond; I think you were doing what a rational person would do in a rational break-up. The problem is that this is not a rational break-up, so you have to be prepared for a very irrational and potentially hurtful response... .but if you are in a place where you can handle that, then responding might even help you achieve a sense of closure for yourself.

[Mutt]

I think there's sometimes a dogmatic sense on this board of NC being a Commandment and of contact of any kind being a Deadly Sin... .but I have made contact or briefly responded to him several times and not suffered more from it.

I think what's important is the motivation. If you're saying something because you need to say it, for your own sake, to feel that those words have been said so you can release them and let them go, or to know that you have done the decent thing by addressing their questions or apologizing for your mistakes, because you want to know YOURSELF that you did the decent and reasonable thing, regardless of your ex's ability to understand or even truly hear your words, then that can be useful, and help you be in a place to fully let go and move on.

If you're expecting your ex to respond in a certain way, or wanting something from them, or if you're not prepared for their potential angry or blaming response, then it can be very harmful.

Those are my new thoughts on NC. I don't think you were weak to respond; I think you were doing what a rational person would do in a rational break-up. The problem is that this is not a rational break-up, so you have to be prepared for a very irrational and potentially hurtful response... .but if you are in a place where you can handle that, then responding might even help you achieve a sense of closure for yourself.

Well said.

Wow I just learned what JADE is (after the fact - thanks for pointing it out hollycat!)

I don't JADE with my ex and family members that may not know better and don't understand boundaries. My ex may be emotionally dysregulated and blaming me for something else that's going on with her in her own life. She's mentally ill, I find that it helps to get to the root of the matter if I don't JADE.

Understanding JADE

[hurting300]

Thank you hurting300 - needed that validation.

It's the truth. Unlike some stories I've read on here you aren't selfish. You expressed your feelings and left it alone. You did the mature and adult thing.

[cm3557]

Here's an email I received after coldly being discarded and infiltrated with hurtful false accusations. After getting multiple calls and texts in addition to this, I was week and I responded. romance started again and it was passionate and blissful.

A few days later, he went down the crazy spiral, on the attack and sent me a text saying "you're manipulative and hurtful. Never contact me". Boy did I feel like the fool falling for his lies and tricks AGAIN. Don't be the fool.

Here's the email:

"I understand you are angry and frustrated with me for ignoring you the last couple of days. And, there is no excuse. It was not fair. We've done it to each other on multiple occasions, and I wish we hadn't. I wish I hadn't. You wanted to be there for me, you showed your love despite my frustration, and when I didn't respond, you were hurt - you couldn't understand how I could ignore you, and it made you feel like I don't love and care for you. It's understandable, and I'm sorry.

Things have gotten so complicated with us, and I'm truly sorry for my big part in that. There have been so many times when I've been mad and scared and I've wanted to forget about you (whether the reasons/feelings were real or not), and I know you know that feeling too. I think we feel that way - and that strongly about it - because of how we feel for each other. The fear of being left and hurt is devastating in itself. Because it's you and me, and because of what that means to us, there is nothing scarier. While that is unfair, and toxic, I want to draw attention to how special and amazing the strength and richness of our feelings are as well - words cannot describe... .

(I'm sorry I'm speaking for the both of us - and I hope you agree.)

. For what it's worth I've been in therapy sessions twice a day for the last three days. The doctors are smart and communicative. We've talked a lot about the origins of BPD, and it's been really helpful. I appreciate what you wrote in your email, even if I didn't show it at the time. I don't want to give up on us.

I've thought about you non-stop. I can't make myself stop, even if I try. I love you very much and care deeply about you. I want nothing more than to use our love in the right way and experience true happiness with you.  If you still feel the same, I want to find a way to spend our lives together. "

[hurting300]

Here's an email I received after coldly being discarded and infiltrated with hurtful false accusations. After getting multiple calls and texts in addition to this, I was week and I responded. romance started again and it was passionate and blissful.

A few days later, he went down the crazy spiral, on the attack and sent me a text saying "you're manipulative and hurtful. Never contact me". Boy did I feel like the fool falling for his lies and tricks AGAIN. Don't be the fool.

Here's the email:

"I understand you are angry and frustrated with me for ignoring you the last couple of days. And, there is no excuse. It was not fair. We've done it to each other on multiple occasions, and I wish we hadn't. I wish I hadn't. You wanted to be there for me, you showed your love despite my frustration, and when I didn't respond, you were hurt - you couldn't understand how I could ignore you, and it made you feel like I don't love and care for you. It's understandable, and I'm sorry.

Things have gotten so complicated with us, and I'm truly sorry for my big part in that. There have been so many times when I've been mad and scared and I've wanted to forget about you (whether the reasons/feelings were real or not), and I know you know that feeling too. I think we feel that way - and that strongly about it - because of how we feel for each other. The fear of being left and hurt is devastating in itself. Because it's you and me, and because of what that means to us, there is nothing scarier. While that is unfair, and toxic, I want to draw attention to how special and amazing the strength and richness of our feelings are as well - words cannot describe... .

(I'm sorry I'm speaking for the both of us - and I hope you agree.)

. For what it's worth I've been in therapy sessions twice a day for the last three days. The doctors are smart and communicative. We've talked a lot about the origins of BPD, and it's been really helpful. I appreciate what you wrote in your email, even if I didn't show it at the time. I don't want to give up on us.

I've thought about you non-stop. I can't make myself stop, even if I try. I love you very much and care deeply about you. I want nothing more than to use our love in the right way and experience true happiness with you.  If you still feel the same, I want to find a way to spend our lives together. "

He took blame for his part in the email right? And did you give him the silent treatment also?

[klacey3]

Hi msnnyc

Try not to be too hard on yourself. It can be really tempting to reply or contact them sometimes. Just keep in mind what you want. For most of them they don't know it is really over is if we do not respond at all for a long time. As the other posters have said, if you feel it will benefit you to respond then go ahead. No contact isnt a rule set in stone.