Saw photos of exBPDgf (weight gain)

[4Years5Months]

I've been away for a while, mainly because I've been doing well in my recovery from my 5 year relationship with my uBPDexGF in which she broke up with me 7 times, replacing me the last three, most recently with the security guard from her work who had been dumped by his wife...  She reached out to me several months ago and we chat via text and Facebook message, but haven't seen each other.  She told me my replacement (relationship is now 8 months old) is a dBPD and their relationship is a constant struggle, that he stomps out on her regularly and hates himself.  Yet, she stays with him.  I found out they are moving in together in December - he essentially moved himself into her apartment (she shares with her mom) immediately when they started dating and now they are getting their own place.

Just setting the stage a bit - read my previous posts if you want more juicy details.

While she and I talk, it is very clear that we are long-distance friends and that the replacement would not like her talking to me, and definitely not seeing me in person.  Thus, last February was the last time I saw her, except for her one Facebook profile photo change which was just her face.

Well, I went to her work's Facebook page tonight and saw photos of her at some dinner they had.  I'm not one to snoop, but hearing she's moving in with my replacement was a trigger of sorts, and off I went.

I was shocked by the photos.  She has gained at least 50 pounds, maybe more.  I put a number out there only because it's significant amount.  And I'm not some shallow someone who harps on a woman's appearance.  She was overweight when we started dating and gained weight during the two years we lived together, but put herself on a strict diet and exercise regimen and lost nearly 100 pounds.  She looked great!  And well, right at the peak of her weight loss is when she broke up with and replaced me for the first time, naturally.

Her body issues have always been a huge deal for her.  She hated how she looked, even when she lost weight, and now she has gained it back.

And here's what led me to this topic:

I felt satisfied and happy to see her like that.  And I know it's selfish and wrong, but seeing my ex overweight again was like a mini weight lifted off of my shoulders.  I feel bad, but not feeling as much pain over losing her counterbalances things.

Did anyone else see their ex go through something similar?  It tells me she isn't happy and well, that's the result.  And should I feel good about this?  It's like anything negative that happens to her, I take solace and comfort in.  And that doesn't seem right.

[Heldfast]

A touch of schadenfreu is probably not an unhealthy response on your part. Happened to me recently where I had to break NC to resolve an accounting issue from when we were together. Took a look at some pics while doing so. Nothing so drastic, but she got pasty, heavy, and seems to have an acne issue. There's no attraction left, I loved her for inside and out, now feel no attraction to either.

[Lonely_Astro]

That is what happened with mine as well.  She was very attractive when we met, basically a cheerleader physique (short, curvy, yet sleek).  Once she moved on from me and replaced me with the guy she ended up marrying, she gained some weight (roughly 40lbs, but she's still very attractive).  I took it to mean that she was happy, content, and satisfied with her new relationship (marriage) because she was no longer fixated on her looks.  At the same time the weight gain started, she also seemed to have normalized.  She had a different phone number, she wasn't the source of office rumors, she always looked "put together" (no wet hair in the mornings, makeup, non-wrinkled clothes - signs to me that she wasn't staying out late and running from place to place like she had been).  

For the first time, to me, she seemed to be happy with herself and her place in life.  I have to admit I was a bit jealous by the guy she was with, how did he manage to make it work?  What did I do so wrong that he did so right?  Those were my questions.  Turns out, what I was seeing was a false image she put on for the husband.  We've talked at length about that time and she told me that she always had to look neat for him or he would verbally abuse her because he saw her as a trophy wife and got upset if he wasn't able to flaunt her because she wasn't pretty enough (in his eyes).  I actually believe it to be true, he's actually a douchebag from what I've independently heard from others.  So, it turns out the weight gain was from him chipping away from her already damaged image and she was actually even more depressed.  It wasn't content that gave her the weight gain, it was contempt.

Anyway, as bad as I feel for it now, I did have a moment of schadenfreude that she had traded someone who cared and loved her as much as I did (I thought she was beautiful in a t-shirt, jogging pants, and no makeup at all) for someone that saw her as an object and nothing more (he allegedly saw her on their wedding day, just before the wedding, and said "you don't look as pretty as I thought you would" when he saw her in her dress - I disagree, she looked gorgeous in her dress and yes, I was a bit jealous again).  I think having those moments of karmic justice that we enjoy happens to us all, whether we like to admit it or not.

[hergestridge]

My BPDexwife has put on quite a lot of weight since we broke up. She was overweight for the most part of our relationship, but now she is gaining weight. I don't know how much of this has to do with her medication though, because I am not informed about her health issues anymore. I just meet her and exchange a few words when I leave our daughter at her place.

When we were still together I used to really try to see the good things in her. To see it from the bright side. We had some great sex and i still have fond memories of that, but frankly a lot of the time that was down to me not looking too closely at what I had in front of me.

I am now in a relationship with a non-overweight woman with a beautiful body and I think it comes naturally to me that I make the comparison - my exwife is not very attractive and she is not taking care of her body.

From what I know she excercises a lot and eats an awful lot. She never loses weight, it's only destructive to the body (knees, feet). But I guess it's all related to her condition. Eat to ease the pain, excercise to ease the pain, f*ck to ease the pain... .

[toddinrochester]

Mine also gained about 20lbs the first month (her estimates). I think its just stress and the fact someone knows about the person that she really is. The real her. I think that stresses her out.

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD has gained weight and has basically stopped styling her hair in the past month or so.  Her makeup is messy, and she just looks rough.  Since she broke up with her boyfriend in August, she's dated two guys.  The first cheated on her.  The second was already being mirrored and idealized less than a week after she broke up with the first one.  Things went south with her other boyfriend the day after his birthday; the current guy's birthday is in a few weeks, so I guess we'll see how that goes. 

[LostGhost]

Mine looks better. Lost 20 lbs, changed her hair, makeup etc. she looks great.

[Dutched]

No weight gain.

Just a terrible face (when unnoticed / in rest) that shows a mask of happiness (in social settings).

Dead eyes, no sparkling left, no joy seen.

Cloths as chameleon adjusted to the style of that poorly dressed and heavy tattooed granddad (which was so disgusting in that previous life… )

Her direct family (FOO... .!) contacted me earlier this year, couldn’t resist that obviously after finding out some truth of exw’s behaviour for many yrs. For years they saw me as painted by exw.

Anyway, the burden exw carries seems to be by times very heavy despite all in her new life.

Additional comes that exw will loose her face to every one when this r/s with that old man will end. Exw is hooked for life, really until death parts them. Seemingly exw realises that …  Maybe the reason exw still wears those earrings.

[MSNYC]

You guys are all so lucky. My ex was hot to begin with, but since our breakup has gotten a cute new haircut and some adorable shirts. He's a good-looking guy (everyone thinks so - and I think it allows him to get away with a lot of his ish), and not any less so since the breakup. Enjoy your schadenfreude.

[once removed]

i have to wonder what we are getting at and what we are accomplishing when we base our recoveries on our exes' weight and physical appearance.

ive gained weight in the past year. my ex would be sorely mistaken if she saw me and made a connection; i doubt that she would.

i wont pretend i didnt do any of it. i lost a lot of weight during the breakup. that made me feel better, which seems reasonable. she didnt, which was mainly why i felt better, which seems pretty silly. at the end of the day, while it is human, it is silly. we are all adults, we are all aging. weight fluctuates for varieties of reasons. in fact, gaining weight during a relationship is very common.

if our exes gain weight, lose weight, does this actually really say anything about us? is there a valuable takeaway?

[Pretty Woman]

Mines gained about 20. Then again, her girlfriend is a bigger gal with friends all over 350lbs. If she's mirroring her I'm not surprised by this.

[Suspicious1]

I saw a photo of my ex a while ago, and he sure looks like he's put on weight. He was 42 when I was with him and always took great care of himself, training twice a day and was very strict about eating no more than 75g of carbs a day and only drinking water. He was making sure he had the right muscle structure in the right places, depending on what he thought I might like. His stomach was absolutely flat and rigid - he was working towards a "Tom Hardy in Warrier" physique. In the photo I saw, his arms look bigger, but so does his stomach. There was a definite roll of fat there, where there never used to be. Whether he's just put on fat all over or he's been focussing too much on his arms, who knows?

All this is totally judgemental and shallow, obviously. Since I split up with him I've put on about 20-30lbs. He'd probably say I'd let myself go because of the sheer misery of not being with him. The truth is, I am in a new and settled relationship, I have a job that means I can finally afford to feed myself AND my children, and my partner and I go out for dinner far too often. Maybe my ex is heavier because he's more settled too. Maybe he doesn't feel he needs to relentlessly pursue perfection in the hope of being loved more for it. I really hope so.

[Dutched]

i have to wonder what we are getting at and what we are accomplishing when we base our recoveries on our exes' weight and physical appearance.

ive gained weight in the past year. my ex would be sorely mistaken if she saw me and made a connection; i doubt that she would.

i wont pretend i didnt do any of it. i lost a lot of weight during the breakup. that made me feel better, which seems reasonable. she didnt, which was mainly why i felt better, which seems pretty silly. at the end of the day, while it is human, it is silly. we are all adults, we are all aging. weight fluctuates for varieties of reasons. in fact, gaining weight during a relationship is very common.

if our exes gain weight, lose weight, does this actually really say anything about us? is there a valuable takeaway?

I appreciate your comment to question one self instead of focussing on weight.

IMO however the question and comments have a deeper meaning.

Special for those more recently broke up it is of course a intense healing process that is by far nor linear and can take up a very long time.

In the process lies the attempt to validate self worth because of feelings of failure, rejection, deep hurt, etc.

Therefore a comparison must be made. A comparison with the obvious one (the ex), the for shortly, the nearest and dearest.

How do we react when a guided missile ‘by accident’ hits a building with citizens?  

How do we react when a cop drags and/or seemingly molests a pupil to remove him/her from the classroom?

How do we react when a ‘sportsman’ shoots a lion, just for the thrill of it?

We react with nationwide, even worldwide, contempt, it is disgusting as it is not within social accepted standards

But wait, it wasn’t even directed at us… but never the less it affected us somehow.

But wait, even when a colleague gets promoted/pay rise, we try to validate our feelings by comparison…

When I read the stories on this Board, I see crushed souls, deeply crushed ones full of unbelief and hurt beyond words.

It wasn’t about you, depersonalise it, it is the disorder.

But, it happened to you, it affected you/your kids directly and in the most cruel way.

Don’t understand me wrong, but sadly, really sadly this community is in the air… (it is very valuable, so I donated again. Don't worry   )

No one asked to be treated that way, no one would ever have to dig deeply into his/her soul questioning, reading, asking, etc. if it wasn’t for what affected us so direct and deeply.

[once removed]

Special for those more recently broke up it is of course a intense healing process that is by far nor linear and can take up a very long time.

In the process lies the attempt to validate self worth because of feelings of failure, rejection, deep hurt, etc.

Therefore a comparison must be made. A comparison with the obvious one (the ex), the for shortly, the nearest and dearest.

How do we react when a guided missile ‘by accident’ hits a building with citizens?  

How do we react when a cop drags and/or seemingly molests a pupil to remove him/her from the classroom?

How do we react when a ‘sportsman’ shoots a lion, just for the thrill of it?

We react with nationwide, even worldwide, contempt, it is disgusting as it is not within social accepted standards

But wait, it wasn’t even directed at us… but never the less it affected us somehow.

But wait, even when a colleague gets promoted/pay rise, we try to validate our feelings by comparison…

When I read the stories on this Board, I see crushed souls, deeply crushed ones full of unbelief and hurt beyond words.

It wasn’t about you, depersonalise it, it is the disorder.

But, it happened to you, it affected you/your kids directly and in the most cruel way.

dutched, i couldnt agree more with you about a non linear healing process and the depths to which members here have been effected by their experience. i agree that soul searching and asking tough questions is vital and courageous. i dont really think this subject fits into soul searching or asking tough questions.

as i mentioned, i think its perfectly human. i did it in my own way. not everything perfectly human is perfectly healthy. in retrospect, for me, it was an unhealthy coping mechanism.

in fairness, my comments were less directed to the original poster and more the direction of the thread. there are many things that can explain a decline or a boost in physical appearance. if we are trying to figure out if we have anything to do with that, i dont think thats productive. are we waiting, watching, studying our exes appearance for hints? i dont think thats productive. we should also ask ourselves if we are using it to ease our pain. do we lose physical attraction to our exes because of a weight gain or decline in appearance and therefore feel closer to "over them"? that can prove a very shaky foundation and doesnt sound much different than painting our exes black (another shaky, and unhealthy coping mechanism).

what im not saying is that it isnt natural to lose attraction to a person not taking good care of themselves. i could have been clearer about that. i do think that as we recover, we should check ourselves, and our coping mechanisms in the process.

[Mutt]

Did anyone else see their ex go through something similar?

I can relate. My ex stopped taking care of herself and gained a lot of weight after the split. She has a history of sexual abuse from childhood.

Borderline patients that are obese are likely to have a history of sexual abuse ( Sansone et al. 1995 ) and often have conscious desires to deflect sexual interest. p.50 Gunderson, Links 2nd ed.

[Fr4nz]

Did anyone else see their ex go through something similar?

I can relate. My ex stopped taking care of herself and gained a lot of weight after the split. She has a history of sexual abuse from childhood.

Borderline patients that are obese are likely to have a history of sexual abuse ( Sansone et al. 1995 ) and often have conscious desires to deflect sexual interest. p.50 Gunderson, Links 2nd ed.

Mutt, 4 years,

I also can relate, somehow; I'm NC with my ex since the end of february (I was replaced since the beginning of that month, that is, exactly 1 month after our break-up).

From the very few information I had about her from a friend of mine, who happened to be a coworker of her between April and May, she was constantly coming at work drunk (WOW!); she also exibithed some crazy behaviours (i.e., fights with some colleagues, sometimes dressed too provocatively and was flirtatious with her boss and clients - the latter may be due to her HPD "component".

In general, it seems that many BPDs are able to "block" the pain related to the end of a serious relationship and quickly move on; however, somehow, this pain may emerge under other forms (self-destructive behaviours, traits of the disorder(s) more intensified than the average, and so on).

What do you think guys?

[AsGoodAsItGets]

That sounds right, my ex exhibited similar behaviour,, drinking, fights, negative work situations.  The wieght, didn't see any gain, concerns about it, yet she was very thin.  I do know she was heavy, from what I understand is she was most faithful to that ex until she lost the pounds and then left him.   It's funny he lost a ton, but she still called him fat even after they got back togeather,  he was real skinny to.

[whitebackatcha]

My ex didn't change size. She was full-figured, and always claimed she had a great body image (despite periods of dieting and a history of eating disorders that said otherwise). A few months ago, I saw a picture she had posted on a networking/dating site of herself wearing a fitted dress... .except there was no way she was wearing it. It was clearly on a mannequin, and she had zoomed in to cut out her face and arms (emphasizing her great "figure". Lest I think she really had been wearing it, I saw a phot someone else had taken of her at an event in the outfit, and it was confirmed there was no way the picture she posted was honest. It made me feel good at the time that she wasn't confident and attracting tons of people IRL because she clearly felt she needed to falsely advertise. I was aware that was selfish of me, of course. I knew I wanted to feel less easily replaceable, as she knew her weight wasn't a negative for me.

[hergestridge]

Maybe my ex is heavier because he's more settled too. Maybe he doesn't feel he needs to relentlessly pursue perfection in the hope of being loved more for it. I really hope so.

This is another aspect. My exwife used to have to normal weight but was never really happy about the disciplined life she needed to live to achieve that.

We see things differently. To me weight loss and exercise is a challenge (and even fun actually). For much of the time it was just overwhelming and a chore for my wife.

She doesn't like to be challenged, either by herself or by someone else. Basically, a life free of expectations and pressure is what suits her best.

It's probably all for the best that she eats all she wants and spends the night watching TV as long as it gives her peace of mind. It's not what gives *me* peace of mind and it took me many years to wrap my head around that.

[Beach_Babe]

Mines gained about 20. Then again, her girlfriend is a bigger gal with friends all over 350lbs. If she's mirroring her I'm not surprised by this.

350? I thought mine was big at 312. Last I heard he joined

an online weight  forum "to make new friends". ("Make new friends" is code for "I got dumped" btw). From what I understand Tubby also broke a seat at McDonalds (for which he is now  suing ) . That was two months ago. No clue what happened after and don't care; he will always be worthless anyway.

[Skip]

Did anyone else see their ex go through something similar?  It tells me she isn't happy and well, that's the result.  And should I feel good about this?  It's like anything negative that happens to her, I take solace and comfort in.  And that doesn't seem right.

It's great honesty and self-awareness to be able to see this and question it.  And you should - with things like this we really want to balance in our heart and mind - it's about who we are.  You are not the first person to feel this, nor the first to question it.

Is the feeling coming from feeling some vindication of a blow to your self esteem or some relief to a wound to your ego? What do you think?

Is the question about your values and not wanting to build yourself up at the expense of someone else?

Can you balance these two things - rationalize them - and come to a place where you understand whats conflicting you?

From what I understand Tubby also broke a seat at McDonalds (for which he is now  suing ) . That was two months ago. No clue what happened after and don't care; he will always be worthless anyway.

Beach',

I'd say the same to you, dear. You're greatly pained this relationship failed - it doesn't help to say you don't care. No one is buying it. You aren't buying it. You don't think he is worthless.

This is the stuff we say to hide from our true feelings because the feelings hurt too much.

Have you googled "dialectical dilemma" (https://bpdfamily.com/audio/wisemind.mp3). It might help to try and step back and look at what you are experiencing. It will help in dealing with it.

This has been a huge blow for you.  You can survive it - and more importantly, you can grow from it.

This would be a good PI thread.

Skip

[toddinrochester]

Some tough love was just dispensed. Its good to hear this stuff. We all want to see them fail in some way. If we are honest about it. It makes what happened easier. If my ex blew up to 200 lbs and she looked awful that would make me feel better on the surface. Then I could tell people how I "dodged a bullet there". But I hope she gets back to where she is and is working on her BPD. We (I) need to be cautious in not putting down the ex to make ourselves feel better. Its counter productive to our healing.

[Hopeful83]

Some tough love was just dispensed. Its good to hear this stuff. We all want to see them fail in some way. If we are honest about it. It makes what happened easier. If my ex blew up to 200 lbs and she looked awful that would make me feel better on the surface. Then I could tell people how I "dodged a bullet there". But I hope she gets back to where she is and is working on her BPD. We (I) need to be cautious in not putting down the ex to make ourselves feel better. Its counter productive to our healing.

Although this is very true, it's hard not to fall into the trap of putting them down at times. Especially when the circumstances of a breakup have been horrific. But yeah, I have to remind myself on a regular basis that it doesn't matter what he's doing or whether he's failing/thriving. It has nothing to do with my future happiness.  

[toddinrochester]

I agree 100%! Its incredibly hard.

[Hopeful83]

I agree 100%! Its incredibly hard.

Absolutely.

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last four months because when we first split I couldn't come to terms with the injustice of it all. The lies from him, his mother, his new fiancee. It felt like such a set up. One minute he was practically engaged to me, within two months he's off with someone else. It's hard not to become resentful, but the resentment only does US harm. Not them.

I personally believe that the more positivity we put out into the world, the more good will come back to us. And I don't say this in a new age type of way. I think there's a far simpler and more logical explanation for things like karma - if our intentions are good, and come from a place of authenticity and honesty, I believe that more often than not it will set the wheels in motion for good to happen, simply because we're acting from a good place (so good thoughts are more than likely going to lead to good actions).

So, for example, whenever I find myself thinking of my ex in a bad way, I reverse it and think something good about myself, or I go and work on the book I've started writing, or I journal. I turn the negative energy into something positive, and hopefully in time these little actions will return back to me with a good reward.

Likewise, I found it helped when thinking about people who have ill intentions. I think if you act from a place of dishonesty and inauthenticity, nothing good can come of it, because it more often than not sets a more negative chain of events into motion. I'm not saying BPDs have ill intentions, but it's just the way I look at 'bad' deeds in general.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining this properly, and sorry for going off topic, but it's how I handle things when I find myself wondering if he's self imploded yet.

[toddinrochester]

What really makes this easier on me is knowing that no matter how happy she looks (I don't go to her fb page I am assuming), I know that she has an inner turmoil that stresses her out non-stop. The front that she shows everyone does not exist with me anymore. I know the real her. So even if she was as thin as before (if we were dating and she put on weight It wouldn't have mattered to me) and in a relationship where she is "Soo happy". I know she is not. She knows that I know she its not. I am okay with that.

[whitebackatcha]

Some tough love was just dispensed. Its good to hear this stuff. We all want to see them fail in some way. If we are honest about it. It makes what happened easier.

Especially if we were the ones that were left. It's "proof" that they aren't better than us like they implied.

[Lonely_Astro]

Some tough love was just dispensed. Its good to hear this stuff. We all want to see them fail in some way. If we are honest about it. It makes what happened easier. If my ex blew up to 200 lbs and she looked awful that would make me feel better on the surface. Then I could tell people how I "dodged a bullet there". But I hope she gets back to where she is and is working on her BPD. We (I) need to be cautious in not putting down the ex to make ourselves feel better. Its counter productive to our healing.

What was funny for me was that after my pwBPD gained weight I was happy.  Not because she wasn't as attractive, no, I actually found her more attractive.  Why I was happy was because I had believed that she was actually content with her life and comfortable enough to not care about superficial matters.  But, as I later found out, that wasn't the case.  You're right though, no matter how happy/content they appear on the outside, they are raging rivers of turmoil on the inside. 

I once equated my pwBPD 'life' to that of a volcano's lava.  You know how it looks flowing, how the surface has a peaceful calm to it when it crusts over just slightly but underneath that surface a raging hot inferno is still going?  That's how I saw her and her life.  That's how I still see her life.

[SummerStorm]

I think that my observations about my former friend BPD's drastic change in appearance come from me worrying about her, more than anything.  As someone else mentioned, it may seem that all pwBPD just move on quickly and don't care, but it does make me wonder if there is more going on--if, in fact, her physical appearance is symbolic of her internal pain.

For a few years, other than intense and rocky romantic relationships, she was stable.   No drugs, consistent weight, great GPA in college, etc.  In the past six months, there has been cutting, drug use,  a pregnancy scare, a suicide attempt, the loss of a 6-month relationship, the loss of a friendship, being cheated on by that guy's replacement, the loss of a career she went to college for, her parents moving across the country, and two moves of her own.  And now, she has gained weight and looks like she is on something worse than pot.

She is triggered by birthdays and holidays.  Mom's birthday was 9/10.  Hers was 9/11.  New boyfriend's is in a few weeks, right before Thanksgiving.  Then, there's Christmas. 

No one she's around now will be able to pick up on this.  I'm past the anger stage and want to see her get the help she needs, before another suicide attempt happens.