She has contacted me after 1.3 years..not replied yet

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hurting them is possible. BPD take pity and condecension pretty badly in my experience. It angers them and that tends to lead to being upset.

Consider the sort of person you want to be.

[Cleanglass]

Hurting them is possible. BPD take pity and condecension pretty badly in my experience. It angers them and that tends to lead to being upset.

Consider the sort of person you want to be.

[kentavr3]

we think that they have BPD. this  is a general  and very old name for this disorder. What if they NPD? Sociopath? Psychopath? you can't hurt them. Otto Kenberg in his book said, that they have no depression. I would leave idea to hurt them. Ignoring and no contact! try to stay healthy and sanity. Take care of yourself.

[Rickybee]

. Ignoring and no contact! try to stay healthy and sanity. Take care of yourself.

Thats good advice, only approach that seems logical really feels natural... .if she wants to talk she can but im not giving up my power

[Rayban]

I agree.  There comes a point where it's just best to let it be. The key here is to shift the focus from them ie (what are they doing, how could I get revenge, why did they say that etc.) To what can I do to become a better person. It happened, it was gut wrenching, and an experience I never want to relive in my life. Now what? The choice is playing games that will only perpetuate the pain, and where the odds are stacked against me. I have empathy, she on the other hand is a cluster b cocktail whos been playing all her life. They play to win.  Me ... .I just want to get on with my life. No contact is the only way. Cut off the attention, and trust me they will go looking for it somewhere else, and quick. I let myself be recycled,  and she just punished me for handing over all the power.  Not anymore.  I've decided that no attention to her gives me the chance to focus on myself.  It's a work in progress, but it does get better with time.

[Stripey77]

Sorry, just to interject, but Kentavr3... .they absolutely DO have feelings, of course they do. That is an absolute sweeping generalisation! Of course BPDs have feelings, they are human beings. If anything, they feel too much and to me, often seem to be in great turmoil. My ex has on several occasions walked out on me, mid conversation, when things have got difficult and he's clearly not coping. That's because he's unable to deal with his feelings - not because he doesn't have any.


On another note, I do wish people would stop talking on these boards about revenge, karma, wishing heartbreak or even death on our exes. If a) we accept that our SO's have a serious emotional disorder and b) we proclaim to have loved, or still love, these people, why on earth would you want any such thing to happen to them? We're better than that, aren't we? I really don't see how tit for tat can serve any one of us. Hurting our exes, in any way, will not make them suddenly 'see the light' and realise how much they hurt us.

We need to find peace for ourselves, and for me, I do think a large part of that is acceptance that this is what it is, and forgiveness. Our exes/SO's deserve our pity, if anything. They have to live in disorder, turmoil and probably not understanding why they do the things they do. They are pretty snookered, without getting help. We, on the other hand, will survive this, and eventually heal and move on. Seeking revenge, of any kind, is a huge waste of our time and emotion, and it only drags us down.

As I say, they absolutely DO feel. I know the evidence and our collective horrific experiences might lead us to think otherwise, but we have to be careful not to demonise these people. They are not monsters, even though they've done monstrous things... .and they deserve love as much as the rest of us. Sadly, that is the one thing that is eventually probably going to evade them, and I would have thought that would have been punishment enough for anyone.

[pjstock42]

we think that they have BPD. this  is a general  and very old name for this disorder. What if they NPD? Sociopath? Psychopath? you can't hurt them. Otto Kenberg in his book said, that they have no depression. I would leave idea to hurt them. Ignoring and no contact! try to stay healthy and sanity. Take care of yourself.

My ex is all over the cluster B spectrum (BPD/NPD/sociopathy) and she has severe depression issues. Is on a cocktail of antidepressants/antipsychotics & has tried to kill herself in the past so I have a hard time believing that these individuals cannot feel depression. I understand that through their discard of us, they most likely come across as extremely cold/callous but I could never extrapolate that to meaning that they are impervious from being hurt. Perhaps they are very skilled at preventing being hurt by others and will go to extreme measures to avoid this yet they cannot seem to stop from hurting themselves.

[Rickybee]

even though they've done monstrous things... .and they deserve love as much as the rest of us. Sadly, that is the one thing that is eventually probably going to evade them, and I would have thought that would have been punishment enough for anyone.

Well said

[fromheeltoheal]

Good points Stripey-

they absolutely DO have feelings, of course they do. That is an absolute sweeping generalisation! Of course BPDs have feelings, they are human beings. If anything, they feel too much and to me, often seem to be in great turmoil.

Yes, borderlines feel emotions intensely, like the volume knob is turned up to 10 all the time, and feelings become facts because a borderline does not have a fully formed self, a compass that always points true north if you will, so the emotions predominate.  And that doesn't feel good, so psychological tools are developed to not feel that, along with sometimes impulsive behaviors with emotion-soothing as the motivation.

On another note, I do wish people would stop talking on these boards about revenge, karma, wishing heartbreak or even death on our exes. If a) we accept that our SO's have a serious emotional disorder and b) we proclaim to have loved, or still love, these people, why on earth would you want any such thing to happen to them? We're better than that, aren't we? I really don't see how tit for tat can serve any one of us. Hurting our exes, in any way, will not make them suddenly 'see the light' and realise how much they hurt us.

While anger and a desire for revenge are normal responses to abuse and disrespect, including maybe some anger at ourselves for putting up with what we did for as long as we did, that we then project on our exes because it feels better, and also recognition that anger is a stage of grieving, and as a stage it can be worked through like all the other stages, we can cut ourselves some slack for a while, burn up that anger by typing up a storm here, and after a while there's an opportunity to get off it, and we owe it to ourselves to call each other on stages taking longer than need be to work through.  

So is anyone stuck, or is forward-moving detachment going on?  And a cool thing is once we detach we can maybe adopt a more balanced, and probably more accurate, view of our exes, the good and the bad, and maybe find some compassion for the rough road they walk, as we let that go with grace.

[Rickybee]

 She hasn't said anything since... .never got a sorry that message she sent was as if we was friends and she never did anything wrong... sick... today I feel abit angry thinking bout everything she did to me, feeling like giving her a piece of my mind and telling her exactly what she is... a scum bag... .tempting she does deserve it but how would that make me look?

[fromheeltoheal]

She hasn't said anything since... .never got a sorry that message she sent was as if we was friends and she never did anything wrong... sick... today I feel abit angry thinking bout everything she did to me, feeling like giving her a piece of my mind and telling her exactly what she is... a scum bag... .tempting she does deserve it but how would that make me look?

Not only how it would make you look, it would be indication to her that an emotional attachment is still in place.  It seems, only knowing what you're telling us here, that things aren't wonderful for her right now, and it's common for borderlines to show back up acting as if nothing ever happened, to test that attachment to see if one is still in place with you, and therefore you may be someone who can help soothe emotions she can't soothe on her own.  Not malicious necessarily, she's just responding to her own emotions, but best for you to get clear on what your goal is.  If it's to detach and remove her from your life, no communication would be best, but if you do end up communicating, make it short with no emotional content, and she will eventually go elsewhere looking for that soothing.

[Rickybee]

 Your right... .makes me look still attached... .was just having a bad day i think... i guess its stil just feels so unfair that justice has not been served... but who knows what is going on in her world... perhaps its far from perfect... .my short reply perhaps didnt sooth so she has left it at that because i didnt get into a dialogue with her or ask how she was... its all about her eh

[Rickybee]

Now she has sent me a friend request :s still no sorry... .what would you do?

[fromheeltoheal]

Now she has sent me a friend request :s still no sorry... .what would you do?

Well, if you take it at face value, is she a friend, after all that's happened?

And then, what's the goal?  If you don't consider her a friend and you want to emotionally detach from her, what's the right thing to do?

[Rickybee]

Its like im interested to hear what she would have to say, but in her world its ll forgotten or something... like nothing happened and we should be friends... i know that i cant have a deep conversation wth her... its impossible she just shuts down or ignores when her behaviour is questioned or pointed out, ive not replied since me saying "im not really sure what to say to you" i would love to know why she is doing this but just not sure... i guess it would make me feel better to know she misses me and wants me back even tho i dont want her... but in truth i think she s happy with replacement and doesnt want me back, only wants to hurt me or see if she can still hurt me... or simply be friends so she can feel better about doing what she did to me... its doing my head in wish these people could just talk normal like adults and be out in the open and honest... all head games clearly still

[fromheeltoheal]

Its like im interested to hear what she would have to say, but in her world its ll forgotten or something... like nothing happened and we should be friends... i know that i cant have a deep conversation wth her... its impossible she just shuts down or ignores when her behaviour is questioned or pointed out, ive not replied since me saying "im not really sure what to say to you" i would love to know why she is doing this but just not sure... i guess it would make me feel better to know she misses me and wants me back even tho i dont want her... but in truth i think she s happy with replacement and doesnt want me back, only wants to hurt me or see if she can still hurt me... or simply be friends so she can feel better about doing what she did to me... its doing my head in wish these people could just talk normal like adults and be out in the open and honest... all head games clearly still

It's a stretch to expect someone with a mental illness to "talk normal like adults", but if she exhibits significant traits of the disorder, she's contacting you because she wants to see if an emotional attachment is still in place, and if it is, she will feel better, simple as that.  So it boils down to what do you want?  Closure, or the retribution that would come from knowing she wants you and misses you, or the satisfaction of her trying to hurt you and you not letting her, whatever it is, if she experiences feelings she doesn't like, can't handle, she'll use all the psychological tools to not feel them, the shutting down and ignoring you mention, and borderlines get so good at it she can move on as if nothing happened, because to her it didn't.  So knowing all that and focusing on what's best for you, what's the right thing to do?

[Rickybee]

It sure is a tough one, confusing as ever... i fear doing anything will play into her power and only hurt me, thank you for your input... isn't it all confusing eh

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Contacting her wasn't a bad thing.  She reached out to you and you responded by say, "I'm good, but why have you contacted me after all of this?"  I agree with another poster, she is likely not sure how to respond.  You didn't react to her.  Be careful though, I thought I could handle being "just friends" with my ex and she had me back to "I love you" in just a couple of weeks.  Don't lose the progress you've made for her or anyone else. 

[Cinlou]

My advice would be to shut that door before she pushes it open, infiltrates your life and you end up getting your heart broken all over again.

My exBPDbf cruelly, harshly and brutally dumped me over the phone a few years back.  I was devastated, confused and depressed.  3 months later he contacted me via text to say "happy birthday".  I responded with a simple "thanks" which then led to more texts which then led to him wanting to meet with me to talk which then led to us getting back together.  I regret answering that text to this day.  If I had, it would have spared me the last 4 years of drama, hurt and wasted time.

IMO, anyone who cheats on you is NOT worth your love.  Period.  You deserve better and you don't owe her a response.  Cheaters don't change and pwBPD don't either. 

Stay strong.
 

[Cinlou]

Also, do not accept the friend request!  You are setting yourself up for more hurt.   If you are having doubts ask yourself why you would want to entertain a friendship with someone that cheated and lied to you and never apologized?  If a guy friend of yours lied to you, cheated you in some way and never apologized, would he still be your friend?  Would you want to continue the relationship?

Please don't play the fool like I did for so long.

[Rickybee]

Thank you, I was thinking today whether to send a message, I have it already typed... what you think?

(Although I have moved on and happy and in great health now, not sure fb friends is good idea, not sure if you are aware of the gravity of what you did to me, you are a very dangerous woman emotionally, spiritually and psychologically, you lied to me manipulated me and cheated on me and used my frantic shock and trauma from the cruel sudden discard as a means to make me look crazy and you the victim, i was the victim? you lied for attention, you played me when i went into a relationship with you with good intentions and loved you, abandoned me when I loved you and needed you, so without saying sorry to me and acting as if nothing happened is quite the insult, you treated me awful katie during that 4 years, i still have compassion for your disorder and all sufferers but that is no excuse to destroy people who love you and care about you with narcissistic malignant behaviour, who knows one day but right now im pretty happy without you existing in my mind, its safe to say im recovered and completely over you 　 all the best, thanks for the life lesson)

feels like a huge desiscion sending that... not sure if its best... she would only get a few lines in and stop reading anyway and write it off as im still messed up over her and ghost again :s

[pjstock42]

To be totally honest with you, I see 0 benefit in sending that and think that you'll regret it when you look back in a few months.

[once removed]

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. Please feel free to continue the discussion in another thread.