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Author Topic: How to move on after being dumped by BPD  (Read 516 times)
Jazzy
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« on: November 25, 2015, 08:48:40 AM »

After 6 years of  what I thought was a  great relationship, my partner overnight discarded me saying he was seeing someone else. We were to get married in a couple of months. Later I learnt he was already seeing this person , a lady ten years older than him while he was still with me. He wanted to remain friends  with me but turned into a complete monster, abusing me verbally and emotionally at every step. He suddenly became so different  from the person I had known,mean and cruel, but to others he was the same sweet person I had known earlier. I just could not understand how someone could change so much. It was almost as if he was fabricating stories to justify discarding me.However, I must admit I had ignored the red flags earlier such as him wanting to meet up with ex girlfriends as well as complete  inability to cope with stress. After reading up, I realize he probably has BPD; he has been in and out of relationships and is constantly questioning life.  Not being able to bear his abuses, I have cut contact  with him for the last one  month, However I miss him every waking moment  and not a single day goes when I don't cry for what I once had with him. I have also lost a great friend in him. I am very depressed and cannot seem to think or do anything else.I know I must move, but I don't seem to have the strength to do so.Please help me
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AVR1962
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« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2015, 09:27:00 AM »

What your boyfriend did to you is exactly what BPDs and NPDs do. He said all the right words, made you feel like a queen, you felt there was sincerity, he was able to earn your trust but all the while they are deceiving you. That charm they poured on to you was more than likely being poured on to who knows how many other women. These people are insecure individuals who seek people to meet their needs. Sex is a common way they seek others for reassurance. Once you catch the BPD in his lie, or they have used you for what they wanted, they move on emotionally but that doesn't mean they have broke u with you yet. It is very common for the BPD to replace the person before they drop them. BPDs have to have attention, they have to be #1, they idolize and put you on the pedestal and then completely abandon you and treat you like you are nothing but trash. Not uncommon for the BPD, when they have decided to end things, to go about telling lies about you and the relationship and you are left dumbfounded. If you start digging you will more than likely find out too that he had you somewhat brainwashed to what h wanted you to believe. More than likely there's many lies floating out there right now.

Be very thankful that he broke this off with you. He could have kept seeing the other woman and neither of you would have been the wiser. You might be real confused for awhile and you might even blame yourself and wonder what you could have done that would have saved the relationship. The answer is that you did noting wrong. These people do not think like we do, they do not have compassion. He will justify his actions with you by blaming you because he cannot be in the wrong. He cannot face himself. You will no longer be able to talk common sense with this man, you are his target for what he cannot face in himself. Sounds twisted I know. And yes, there will be those who will fall for hi lies and manipulation but once dooped like he did you they too will see they were used as well. These people cannot love anyone because they do not love themselves, they actually feel unworthy but it is so covered up.

He might call you up one day and act like this other relationship is on the down hill side and act like he wants to get back with you. Best thing you could do is have absolutely no more contact with him. He knows how to work you, he knows what you want to hear and he know he can have you back if he wants. You need to make it clear to him but having no communication that you will have nothing more to do with him.

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for almost 28 years, our children are grown but he has never stopped with his lies and manipulation towards my children to make me look like the bad guy. He and I have not spoke or seen one another in years. My kids see thru parts of him
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JRT
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« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2015, 10:05:38 AM »

Hi Jazzy

I am really very sorry that you are going thorugh this. I also had a relationship with a person that I suspect had BPD that was entirely trouble free... .idyllic in fact. Like yours, literally overnight I was discarded and painted black; only days after she sold her furniture, moved in and ordered our wedding rings she sent me a 1 sentence breakup text while I was away for work - she blocked me everywhere and I ever spoke to her again - that was 14 months ago! After 2 years of a GREAT relationship, this was the outcome.

Many people have had very tumultuous relationships with their BPD partners hence it is difficult for many to understand a relationship such as yours or mine that is free of the raging, lies and other typical 'noise' that seem to typify most BPD relationships - we are definitely in the minority on this.

I don't know if it makes you feel any better or not, but I have read many stories regarding the aftermath and what pwBPD say to justify the breakup and they seem to all use the same playbook on this; its called a distortion or smear campaign. Looking back, mine blamed her breakups on very nebulous but difficult to impeach terms such as 'he was controlling' or 'he was not a very good father' and so on. In my case I know her son referred to me to someone that I know as a 'psycho' and to another as a 'controlling stalker'. This from someone that never registered so much as a word of complaint to me EVER! What is your ex saying? I know that it is probably painful to hear what he has been saying but it important to realize that what he is saying is clearly fabrication so that he can justify his behavior. If you were together for 6 years and he is BPD, I am certain that you probably meant the world to him, nothing less. This seems to be what they do to the people that are the most important to them.

The important thing in the near term for you is to feel better and move towards a restoring your life to more of a normal state. Are you doing anything specifically to this end? I am happy to share some of the tactics that I used to get things back on track if you would like. It gets better I promise you... .its a matter of time and distance. THis site is also very helpful, I don't know what I would have done without it.

Let me know how I can help.

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thefixermom
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« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2015, 10:18:05 AM »

AVR1962 said it well and I would emphasize her caution to not allow your weak side to be taken back in if/when he orbits back around you, which he might, when his current flame starts to fizzle.  I've fallen for the charm and adulation of BPD myself and as part of growing myself up through the pain I came to see the facade for what it is so that I would not be subjected to such pain again.   As much as it hurts to realize this, we are duped, in part, by our own insecurities and dependence on others, which makes us prime candidates for this type of relationship. Plus we think all this brilliance coming from them is real... .sort of like falling in love with the image and not the substance.  Hang in there and know it will pass... .SO LONG as you use this time to enrich your life right alongside the pain. In time, the pain will lesson and the joy will increase. I'm betting the day will come when you will wonder what you even saw in him to begin with. Hard to imagine but having been there several times before, I can say it does happen. You will one day even see the signs of BPD immediately and run the other way.  That's what happened to me. An overtly charming and flattering personality in the opposite sex became a big red flag for me. Pain is a great teacher.
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Jazzy
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« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2015, 11:29:36 PM »

Thankyou all for your support. The worst part of the whole thing is that there was no apology from his side at all ; no feeling of remorse or regret for the pain and trauma  he put me through. Rather  after breaking my heart he continued to trample upon my feelings, bashing  me up verbally and emotionally   and blaming  me for things I have not done. It was almost as if there was a "love switch" that he had moved from 'on" to "off" position. He was so cruel that I had no choice but to stop communicating and stay away for the sake of my own sanity . I know I must move on, but I still love him with all my heart and find myself thinking of him every second of the day and missing him terribly.He seems to be very happy in the new relationship.On seeing this I cant help wondering if  BPDs ever do settle into relationships that last forever?Do they ever feel sorry for the way they treated an ex they supposedly loved at one time? Do they come back to say sorry?Can there ever be one true love in their lives?

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« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2015, 11:34:26 PM »

Thankyou all for your support. The worst part of the whole thing is that there was no apology from his side at all ; no feeling of remorse or regret for the pain and trauma  he put me through. Rather  after breaking my heart he continued to trample upon my feelings, bashing  me up verbally and emotionally   and blaming  me for things I have not done.

There is shame here. It's easier to project the bad acts on you than face them.

We'll walk with you on this recovery. Just keep doing the postmortem - it will help to piece it together - solve the puzzle.

It also helps to have people that understand and are here for you 24/7.
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Jazzy
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« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2015, 12:16:06 AM »

JRT... .thanks for asking.He said he did not like the way I got upset everytime he went on a holiday with his supposedly estranged wife or met up with an ex girlfriend at a holiday resort. He insisted they were "just friends" and that I was old fashioned with a " convulated mind and distorted thinking." I now realize they were red flags that I chose to stupidly ignore because I was so much in love with him. I trusted him ("without trust there can be no relationship" is what he would say) because I loved him and I would do anything to not upset him.  Also he was so nice to me especially in the first two years that I never thought he could do any wrong.Of course I realize now it was just a mask that he had put on and once it came off I saw what he is really like. In spite of everything I find it difficult to forget him or stop thinking of the wonderful times we shared.I wonder if the pain will ever go away or whether I will have to live with it all my life.He seems to be happy in is new relationship and I must confess I do sometimes wonder if there was actually something wrong with me and ws I to possessive?

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JRT
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« Reply #7 on: November 26, 2015, 12:21:34 AM »

Thankyou all for your support. The worst part of the whole thing is that there was no apology from his side at all ; no feeling of remorse or regret for the pain and trauma  he put me through. Rather  after breaking my heart he continued to trample upon my feelings, bashing  me up verbally and emotionally   and blaming  me for things I have not done. It was almost as if there was a "love switch" that he had moved from 'on" to "off" position. He was so cruel that I had no choice but to stop communicating and stay away for the sake of my own sanity . I know I must move on, but I still love him with all my heart and find myself thinking of him every second of the day and missing him terribly.He seems to be very happy in the new relationship.On seeing this I cant help wondering if  BPDs ever do settle into relationships that last forever?Do they ever feel sorry for the way they treated an ex they supposedly loved at one time? Do they come back to say sorry?Can there ever be one true love in their lives?

Jazzy... .sorry, those are not easy questions to answer. It might help you to know that you are in very good company as those are, perhaps, among the most often asked questions that I have seen on this forum. If you are like me, you are asking them as a way of validating the entire episode and relationship; it sure would make me feel a lot better if I knew that all along that she really loved me... .that what I gave to her was not in vain... .that what I received in return was sincere... .that she understands that she hurt me (and my daughter) and that we did nothing but love her and nothing else to deserve such treatment... .but any answers to those questions even if it was HIM that was telling you are merely guesses more than anything else. BPD is a pretty serious disorder.

Its OK to love him I think. Mine was fundamentally a very good and lovable person (she was a waif BPD and ever raged). She was intelligent, talented, personable and beautiful. We shared many of the same interests and goals and wanted the same things in our future. I still love her too but realize that a relationship between her and I (her and ANYONE quite frankly) is simply not a possibility.

Neither in many of these case is closure I am afraid. One of the things that was the oddest of all was the way that mine was fine until the day before and then she cut and run, it is this very thing that found me on this forum. BPD's all seem to pull from the same playbook; read the posts here and you will find many accounts (perhaps the majority of them) where SO's breakup suddenly and disappear from the lives of people that love them. They don't seem to care about what effect this has on us in any way shape or form let alone if we are afforded any closure. Truth be told, it is likely that he feels that YOU are the problem... .that he had no other choice that to do what he did because you gave him no other choice... .HE is the victim.

The worst thing about being shut out like this is that there isn't really anything that you can do about it other than cope to be honest. Contacting him will make things worse, trust me on that. Most of us here have been dealing with things by talking with one another here... .reading about BPD... .and doing things to improve and assuage the hurt. You are not alone and there are many good people here that have similar stories and can relate.

Keep reading... .keep posting. It will eventually get better with time and distance. Maybe he will contact you sometime; decide what you will tell him and what you want the outcome to be. Perhaps he will not: work towards strengthening your life and achieving your life's goals and ambitions. I KNOW its painful... .but that pain WILL pass.

Hang in there!
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JRT
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« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2015, 12:30:58 AM »

JRT... .thanks for asking.He said he did not like the way I got upset everytime he went on a holiday with his supposedly estranged wife or met up with an ex girlfriend at a holiday resort. He insisted they were "just friends" and that I was old fashioned with a " convulated mind and distorted thinking." I now realize they were red flags that I chose to stupidly ignore because I was so much in love with him. I trusted him ("without trust there can be no relationship" is what he would say) because I loved him and I would do anything to not upset him.  Also he was so nice to me especially in the first two years that I never thought he could do any wrong.Of course I realize now it was just a mask that he had put on and once it came off I saw what he is really like. In spite of everything I find it difficult to forget him or stop thinking of the wonderful times we shared.I wonder if the pain will ever go away or whether I will have to live with it all my life.He seems to be happy in is new relationship and I must confess I do sometimes wonder if there was actually something wrong with me and ws I to possessive?

I personally do not believe that it is unreasonable to avoid old flames while on vacation. Neither to I think that it out of line to clearly demonstrate that there is nothing amiss regarding those old romantic interests. I do not know if you were too possessive or not; that has to be relative to the people in the relationship. But I DO know that if he is a true BPD, that there was likely nothing that you could have said or done differential that would have changed the outcome. Their flight is practically preordained and in many cases (like mine) take place when the GOAL of emotional intimacy is achieved. Think about it: this objective of a good relationship will kill a BPD relationship!

I am sure that you will love again someday and the pain will definitely go. Again; time and distance will get you there. I am dating now and have some struggles to this day so it might take a bit.

As far as your replacement is concerned; the conventional wisdom on them is that they are usually akin to rebound relationships in the non world. They are there to satisfy a specific need and not much more. While some go as far as getting serious right away, the wheels seem to fall off of the thing pretty quickly as reality sets in. If you monitor the boards, you will catch many accounts of the failure of such relationships.
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AVR1962
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« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2015, 10:00:43 AM »

Jazzy, you wonder if yo were to possessive. Think about this, he was meeting other women. He told you but that does not make it innocent even if he claims it was. Is it possible you had a bad gut feeling and that was why you questioned these get togethers? I have been married to my second husband for 23 years and if was meeting with other women, even if he claimed they were friends, I would not be any too happy. He put that statement on you to derail your thinking so you would blame yourself but he was the one that should not have been doing this in the first place.

You say you are still in love with him... .what is it that you are in love with? Is it the way he treated you in the beginning when he could not live without you? We love being loved and it is understandable that you want that back in your life. What this man did to you is exactly what BPs do to other people.

You see him happy in this new relationship... .do not be fooled. This scenario will repeat itself.

Do BPs ever settle into a relationship? Those that settle don't seem real happy in my opinion.

You are mourning the loss of what you thought you had. Now you have to open your eyes to what you actually had and didn't realize it. This man is a cheat and not because of you. No person can make another person cheat. Cheaters are emotionally unavailable people... .this was a statement my counselor made to me and I felt confused because my first husband was so huggy and we'd cross oaths in the house and he would just give me a kiss, he and I could talk for hours, I felt connected to him but if you think about it he wasn't available to me... .he was seeking other women. No partner can be available to their spouse/friend if they are seeking the attention of another.

When My ex-husband's older affair lady broke up with him and he then started seeing the much younger girl I saw he future layed out for her. I actually contacted her to talk but she was so naive and so hooked. Thru my kids I heard what she was dealing with and he treated hr even worse than he did me. She eventually divorced him and let me know that I was right but that she was listening to anyone at the time. These people are cons and users.
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Jazzy
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« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2015, 12:36:38 AM »

Thankyou AVR.  6 weeks after  I went NC with my BPD ex , I thought I was learning to move on, but then two days ago my ex put up pictures of his new girlfriend and himself on FB which have set me back many places. I feel totally devastated  and crushed seeing them look so happy . I learnt they are engaged and seeing the ring on her finger has devastated me even more. I feel so helpless that there is nothing I can do other than try to move on. Right now moving on seems  so very difficult;I feel very depressed and cannot seem to think of anything else... .I cannot seem to get my ex out of my head for even one minute.I feel so angry and hurt  that the happiness  and the marriage that he promised me for the last six years he gave to someone he knew less than six weeks. I feel let down  that  his  family( enablers?) support him saying all  they want is  to see him happy.I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do other than watch the man I have loved with all my heart transfer all his feelings elsewhere overnight. What is most painful is that she is wearing the exact same dress and necklace  in the photograph  that he had presented me when we were together. Coincidence or history repeating itself? Of late I have been getting angry with people close to me for no reason. All the pain inside me is coming out in the form of angry outbursts and is being directed towards people who I would never want to hurt. I keep on having imaginary conversations in my head about what I would say to him if I saw him. Although I would never want to see him again I cannot forgrt him. I am constantly seesawing between hating him and missing him. My mind is a big mess. All  I  yearn for now  is peace  of mind and the abilty  to forget him . I don't know what to do.I am in my late forties( he is 53 and his new girlfriend is 64) and I feel I will never find love again.

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Hopeful83
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« Reply #11 on: November 30, 2015, 01:02:25 AM »

Thankyou AVR.  6 weeks after  I went NC with my BPD ex , I thought I was learning to move on, but then two days ago my ex put up pictures of his new girlfriend and himself on FB which have set me back many places. I feel totally devastated  and crushed seeing them look so happy . I learnt they are engaged and seeing the ring on her finger has devastated me even more. I feel so helpless that there is nothing I can do other than try to move on. Right now moving on seems  so very difficult;I feel very depressed and cannot seem to think of anything else... .I cannot seem to get my ex out of my head for even one minute.I feel so angry and hurt  that the happiness  and the marriage that he promised me for the last six years he gave to someone he knew less than six weeks. I feel let down  that  his  family( enablers?) support him saying all  they want is  to see him happy.I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do other than watch the man I have loved with all my heart transfer all his feelings elsewhere overnight. What is most painful is that she is wearing the exact same dress and necklace  in the photograph  that he had presented me when we were together. Coincidence or history repeating itself? Of late I have been getting angry with people close to me for no reason. All the pain inside me is coming out in the form of angry outbursts and is being directed towards people who I would never want to hurt. I keep on having imaginary conversations in my head about what I would say to him if I saw him. Although I would never want to see him again I cannot forgrt him. I am constantly seesawing between hating him and missing him. My mind is a big mess. All  I  yearn for now  is peace  of mind and the abilty  to forget him . I don't know what to do.I am in my late forties( he is 53 and his new girlfriend is 64) and I feel I will never find love again.

Hey Jazzy,

First of all I'm so sorry you're going through this   It's tough and painful to be discarded like that, only for them to then get engaged to someone else so quickly.

Our scenarios are similar in that regard - my ex got engaged to someone else within two months of us breaking up (perhaps sooner - I only know from what others have told me). We had been together for three years and were supposed to get engaged this year. To see him live this out with someone else was like a stab to the chest. You start wondering if it was you, if this other person is the magical cure they're searching for, if there was anything else you could have done.

I know the pain you're going through, and trust me it does get easier. I know saying that 'time heals' is a cliche, but it's true.

Are you still friends on FB? If you are, I'd recommend removing and blocking him for your own sake. If you're not friends, block him so that you cannot see his profile. Trust me, seeing these photos will only set your healing process back. I made the mistake of checking his Instagram once at the beginning, and after that I vowed to myself I wouldn't do it again. It was definitely one of my wisest decisions.

And don't give them too much thought. This man isn't capable of a healthy relationship - the way he discarded you is proof of that. This is what I had to focus on whenever I found my thoughts drifting to his relationship with her. I went from being envious of her to pitying her. She's with someone who, unless he gets help, will never be capable of healthy adult love.

And that's what we deserve - healthy adult love.

As for finding love again - I focus on loving myself for now and I'm hopeful the rest will follow.

Keep posting. This community is a lifesaver.

Hopeful
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Jazzy
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« Reply #12 on: November 30, 2015, 01:40:53 AM »

Thankyou Hopeful for your support . I was just wondering if a BPD  dumps his partner only if he already has a replacement lined up ? Do Bpds ever discard their partners if they are not already in a romantic relationship with somebody else?
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MakingMyWay
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« Reply #13 on: November 30, 2015, 06:55:27 AM »

Thankyou Hopeful for your support . I was just wondering if a BPD  dumps his partner only if he already has a replacement lined up ? Do Bpds ever discard their partners if they are not already in a romantic relationship with somebody else?

It seems that they have a replacement either already in a relationship with them or they are fairly certain would be willing to be in a relationship with them when the discard happens. That was certainly the case with my ex, she ended up with a close friend who was obsessed with her for months, so she knew he was an option. It also helped her save face, since she technically didn't cheat on me, even though she was with my replacement almost immediately after discarding me.

pwBPD need attachment to feel whole, so it is very common for them to have somebody lined up already when they discard. Similarly, it is not uncommon for them to attempt to draw you back in when their replacement has had enough. Hopefully by the time that happens you will have learnt enough about BPD to realise that engaging with him again is unhealthy, or how to effectively have a relationship with him without detriment to yourself.

For now though, stick to NC and start thinking about how you personally can heal and move on. Everybody here is going through the similar things you are and we will help you as much as we can. 
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Hopeful83
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« Reply #14 on: November 30, 2015, 07:43:07 AM »

Thankyou Hopeful for your support . I was just wondering if a BPD  dumps his partner only if he already has a replacement lined up ? Do Bpds ever discard their partners if they are not already in a romantic relationship with somebody else?

It seems that they have a replacement either already in a relationship with them or they are fairly certain would be willing to be in a relationship with them when the discard happens. That was certainly the case with my ex, she ended up with a close friend who was obsessed with her for months, so she knew he was an option. It also helped her save face, since she technically didn't cheat on me, even though she was with my replacement almost immediately after discarding me.

pwBPD need attachment to feel whole, so it is very common for them to have somebody lined up already when they discard. Similarly, it is not uncommon for them to attempt to draw you back in when their replacement has had enough. Hopefully by the time that happens you will have learnt enough about BPD to realise that engaging with him again is unhealthy, or how to effectively have a relationship with him without detriment to yourself.

For now though, stick to NC and start thinking about how you personally can heal and move on. Everybody here is going through the similar things you are and we will help you as much as we can. 

This is exactly what I suspect my ex did. Once his beloved mother told him he couldn't marry me, he latched onto the z-list ex who was also in desperate need of getting married due to cultural issues. She was in the right place at the right time, and he was in need of a distraction - bang, they were engaged within two months.

I do sometimes wonder what would have happened had the ex not been available at the 'right time.'
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« Reply #15 on: November 30, 2015, 08:58:40 AM »

Thankyou Hopeful for your support . I was just wondering if a BPD  dumps his partner only if he already has a replacement lined up ? Do Bpds ever discard their partners if they are not already in a romantic relationship with somebody else?

pwBPD traits are not this predictable or homogeneous as a group.

In general, people with abandonment fears (BPD or not) are going to do things to reduce exposure to abandonment. There are many ways to do this.  One is to have a "place to land", even if temporary. One is to hyperfocus on something (traininng, work, etc.). Another is to... .
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JRT
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« Reply #16 on: November 30, 2015, 10:54:35 AM »

Thankyou Hopeful for your support . I was just wondering if a BPD  dumps his partner only if he already has a replacement lined up ? Do Bpds ever discard their partners if they are not already in a romantic relationship with somebody else?

Mine did not seek a replacement from what I understand and remains ostensibly single after more than a year. It appears to be her pattern with romantic relationships to 'sit it out' for an extended period after she terminates the relationship. However, it IS possible that they triangulate (or otherwise occupy themselves) with non-romantic relationships. My ex has done so with her 19 year old son who is now my 'replacement'. She depends on him in much the same way as a boyfriend/husband. 
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« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2015, 12:18:00 PM »

Hang in there, Jazzy. I promise it will get better... .you will heal from this and be wiser for it.   As has been said already, what you thought you had, you didn't really have with your ex.  We have the totality of the person and now you know more of what he is about. You were deceived or deceived yourself, probably both. What I learned from my experiences was to move slower with the beginnings of relationships and give us each a chance to gradually show our full selves after all the wooing and infatuation fades away to reality. Jumping in bed quickly with someone binds us even closer to attachment. I'm no prude but I have learned this.  :)espite all the happy showy pictures on facebook, you are still not seeing what is behind the scenes... .a man who is not happy at his core.  I used to hate to let go of my exes, in part, too, because I was just SURE the next woman would be the one to make him happy and I wanted to be that woman. But another thing I want to say here is that even though you are looking for him to fail so that you can have some validation, and even if he were to succeed with this next person, you need to want that for him.  You will heal better if you truly love him from afar, meaning not make "love" be defined by possession or winning.  To love someone is to want them to do well even if it mean they are with someone else and breaks our heart.  I don't know that you are truly in love with him as much as you were dependant or attached to him and needed to have him for your emotional security.  That is not love.  And I always fall back on the fact that unhealthy people do not attract healthy people... .so in some way you and he are both in need of help.  The best thing you can do is face your fears and work your way past them.  :)on't seek to be with someone just to take the pain away. It won't last and it won't be healthy or happy. You will always be afraid of losing the person and having to live with your pain again, which is always just under the surface.  You will be eons ahead of your ex if you do what he refuses to do at this time... .grow and become whole through this.  Then you will have your center core strength and peace and no one will ever be able to have this kind of control over you again.  I like that in this case you were upset that he was wanting to hang with his exes.  Because it brought your problems to the surface and gave you the opportunity to see him in the light of day... .see how he reacts to your insecurities.  I am now friends with some of my exes and so is my husband with his. But we do not have a gut feeling that anything is going on.  If we did then we would have to make changes.  And even if you were controlling or possessive unnecessarily, it's ok. It just exposes your insecurities and challenges you to face them.  You will come to know yourself better, when to trust these feelings and when not to and you will seek out a partner who loves you and wants you to feel secure in the relationship ONCE you are healed and grounded within yourself and can maintain a healthy relationship with a healthy man.  Have fun getting there. Consider it an adventure like going to college. Lots to learn and better opportunities for your life once you "graduate." When you are with a healthy man you will look back on this ex and see what a child he was and how far you've come and how happy you are now compared to then.
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AVR1962
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 156


« Reply #18 on: December 01, 2015, 09:29:35 AM »

Thankyou AVR.  6 weeks after  I went NC with my BPD ex , I thought I was learning to move on, but then two days ago my ex put up pictures of his new girlfriend and himself on FB which have set me back many places. I feel totally devastated  and crushed seeing them look so happy . I learnt they are engaged and seeing the ring on her finger has devastated me even more. I feel so helpless that there is nothing I can do other than try to move on. Right now moving on seems  so very difficult;I feel very depressed and cannot seem to think of anything else... .I cannot seem to get my ex out of my head for even one minute.I feel so angry and hurt  that the happiness  and the marriage that he promised me for the last six years he gave to someone he knew less than six weeks. I feel let down  that  his  family( enablers?) support him saying all  they want is  to see him happy.I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do other than watch the man I have loved with all my heart transfer all his feelings elsewhere overnight. What is most painful is that she is wearing the exact same dress and necklace  in the photograph  that he had presented me when we were together. Coincidence or history repeating itself? Of late I have been getting angry with people close to me for no reason. All the pain inside me is coming out in the form of angry outbursts and is being directed towards people who I would never want to hurt. I keep on having imaginary conversations in my head about what I would say to him if I saw him. Although I would never want to see him again I cannot forgrt him. I am constantly seesawing between hating him and missing him. My mind is a big mess. All  I  yearn for now  is peace  of mind and the abilty  to forget him . I don't know what to do.I am in my late forties( he is 53 and his new girlfriend is 64) and I feel I will never find love again.

Jazzy, big big hug to you! You said you saw the pics on FB. Do yourself a big favor and block them both. Do not put yourself thru this emotional torture. I hear ya... .how can his family support this? My inlaws did the same and I was floored. My mother-in-law told me later that in order to have their son in their life they knew they would have to accept the lady he had an affair with.

There's a few things I did that helped me get thru what you are dealing with right now. I actually started driving a different route to work so I wouldn't pass y her place of work and see my husband's auto there, I placed the Serenity Poem on my fridg and read it when I felt weak, I started seeing a counselor (I too was dealing with depression and could not sleep at night), and I told myself over and again, "I love this man enough to let him go." In my mind I wished him happiness and felt if he was truly in love with this other woman it was not fair for me to keep him from her. I listened to lots of music and started some projects around the house to keep me busy. I stopped communicating with my inlaws, not out of revenge but just because the connection was hard for me and it seemed I would always hear about my ex and I didn't want to hear, didn't want to know. In my mind I would tell his new girlfriend that she did me a favor. I probably wouldn't have divorced him and she made it possible for me to live a life without his drama... .sort of, we had 2 children together.

You will find love and when you do you can thank your lucky stars that you didn't marry this man. By then his marriage to this other lady will be dissolved and he will be moved on to yet another victim.

Keep your chin up Jazzy, you can do this!
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Jazzy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 65


« Reply #19 on: December 02, 2015, 11:40:15 PM »

Thankyou so much all for your understanding and encouraging words. It has been very tough the last few days and I don't know what I would have done without the support of my BPD family. I do understand that I owe it to myself to heal and move ahead and the only way I can do so is to forgive and forget. While I seem to have accepted what has happened  and that there will be no going back, there is so much  pain, hurt and angst inside me  having been betrayed by the one person I thought would always be there for me, that I fully understand how tough this will be for me. Reading all your stories at least helps me realize that there was nothing more I could have done... .I gave this relationship all that I could and when it collapsed the way it did I felt there was something lacking in me.I also lost a parent  a couple of months before I was discarded and sometimes I wonder whether it was  because I was so caught up in my grief and not  able to give my partner's problems( he always seemed to have interpersonal problems at work) as much attention as I usually do , triggered something off in him. Ironically he did meet this other person at the same time as I was away for the funeral and it almost was like "when the cat is away the mouse shall play" situation. do feel terribly let down that while I was always expected to understand what he went through, this one time when I really needed him to comfort me, he was already replacing me with someone else .

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