On Humiliation and getting back at them

[NCEA]

A lot of people here can't get over with it for a long time.

I think a lot of it has to do with being humiliated by an ugly discard.

It's not a normal break up. Mine told me she was "crazy in love" with someone after knowing him 4 days, and canceled my plans to move to her city after I've already booked a flight and apartment.

I truly think that getting over the feeling of humiliation could only be obtained with one method - getting back at them and humiliating them back.

Was your discard humiliating too? Any thoughts on this?

[Schermarhorn]

A lot of people here can't get over with it for a long time.

I think a lot of it has to do with being humiliated by an ugly discard.

It's not a normal break up. Mine told me she was "crazy in love" with someone after knowing him 4 days, and canceled my plans to move to her city after I've already booked a flight and apartment.

I truly think that getting over the feeling of humiliation could only be obtained with one method - getting back at them and humiliating them back.

Was your discard humiliating too? Any thoughts on this?

My way of getting back at her is fixing myself and having a successful relationship.

They have enough problems on their own.

[NCEA]

Getting back AT them. Not with them.

I feel it's important to take control back, by writing the true last note.

[hope2727]

I was devastated. Humiliated and devasted by the man who swore I was the love of his life. I do not want revenge. Justice? Perhaps. Revenge?  No. Mostly I just want the man I love back. I feel like he is lost in there somewhere. I know it's unrealistic but it's how I feel. :-(

I do totally understand what you are saying however. It does make sense.  It just isn't how I feel.

[LostGhost]

An eye for an eye makes the world blind.

The best revenge is to move forward and devote all effort to living a good life. I know it's easier said than done but if necessary, take solace in the fact they'll never have a good life, so revenge is a moot point.

[AwakenedOne]

I truly think that getting over the feeling of humiliation could only be obtained with one method - getting back at them and humiliating them back.

1. Sorry your hurting.

2. I guess you could call what was done to me by her as humiliating. I was too busy though and in survival mode to be humiliated by someone that I considered at the time to be evil. Learning about her possibility of having BPD lessened that a whole lot though.

3. Can your ex be "crazy in love" with someone after 4 days? Or is she just doing something that is crazy that you shouldn't take personally due to the fact of her being crazy?

4. BPD is a spectrum disorder. Some with BPD are violent, dangerous and or suicidal. If you humiliate them something terrible could happen. I was married to a woman on that end of the spectrum.

5. Humiliating someone else doesn't accomplish anything positive for you or anyone. She will not learn any lessons and will not be cured of BPD due to that action.

6. Like Itstopsnow wrote above, in a lot of ways even being with them in the relationship was the most humiliating thing.

7. If you humiliate them for payback you might one day regret stooping to their level. Better to have a feeling of knowing you took the high road.

[NCEA]

I disagree.

If the first person they've hit would teach them a lesson - non of use would have been here.

It's on.

[enlighten me]

I disagree.

All that getting revenge on them does is make them think that you are the bad guy and they where right about you.

You are not dealing with a logical mind. You are dealing with someone who acts on feelings. Its not normally premeditated its reaction and survival instinct. They may never realise the consequences of their actions so no lesson will be learnt.

[NCEA]

She'll never know it was me. I believe she'll think it's karma, possibly linking it to me knowing the universe it getting back at her, and in away it does (I'm part of the universe, right?). She's spiritual and she'll get the message.

It may take 2-3 months, I'm not in a hurry, and it's going to be elaborated. I'm also interested in how it will make me feel, I think it will kick any bad feelings out the window. Call it childish or whatever but I gave it 3 months, the feeling is not going away, so I'll be active about it.

Woke up at 3:30 am today due to the over the counter meds I took yesterday. Sc--rew this.

[bAlex]

A lot of people here can't get over with it for a long time.

I think a lot of it has to do with being humiliated by an ugly discard.

It's not a normal break up. Mine told me she was "crazy in love" with someone after knowing him 4 days, and canceled my plans to move to her city after I've already booked a flight and apartment.

I truly think that getting over the feeling of humiliation could only be obtained with one method - getting back at them and humiliating them back.

Was your discard humiliating too? Any thoughts on this?

I would love nothing more than to get back at her. Although I have seen her get her share of bad luck, it was only satisfying for a moment... She's incredibly strong and gets over anything in a blink of an eye, I kinda envy that. She's really like a child who gets a hiding for being bad, cries about it, and 10min later she's laughing and playing outside again... I've been humiliated many times too, but it would be impossible to do the same to her, so I think it's futile anyway.

[NCEA]

I truly think that getting over the feeling of humiliation could only be obtained with one method - getting back at them and humiliating them back.

3. Can your ex be "crazy in love" with someone after 4 days? Or is she just doing something that is crazy that you shouldn't take personally due to the fact of her being crazy?

Does it matter? The fact is, I've been feeling like $hit for 3 months now, and really longer due to the mind games. I don't care it's not personal, I'm "returning balance to the force". You know what they said about the Nazi's, it's not that everybody supported them, but everybody just stood there and let them take power and do what they did. So the line stops with me, I won't be a bystander. She thinks she can do this with impunity because most men are weak and wouldn't even think of this.

The line stops with me.

It's not going to be physical of course or anything illegal but it's going to be humiliating and hurt. A lot. And honestly I wish you'd do the same. We could start a movement. Educating people. Maybe these people should be listed on some site, like sex offenders. Why not? Why sex offenders yes and emotional monsters not? Five years from now this could be legislated. People with diagnosed personality disorders should be listed. Think how much harm it would save.

[bAlex]

I truly think that getting over the feeling of humiliation could only be obtained with one method - getting back at them and humiliating them back.

3. Can your ex be "crazy in love" with someone after 4 days? Or is she just doing something that is crazy that you shouldn't take personally due to the fact of her being crazy?

Does it matter? The fact is, I've been feeling like $hit for 3 months now, and really longer due to the mind games. I don't care it's not personal, I'm "returning balance to the force". You know what they said about the Nazi's, it's not that everybody supported them, but everybody just stood there and let them take power and do what they did. So the line stops with me, I won't be a bystander. She thinks she can do this with impunity because most men are weak and wouldn't even think of this.

The line stops with me.

It's not going to be physical of course or anything illegal but it's going to be humiliating and hurt. A lot. And honestly I wish you'd do the same. We could start a movement. Educating people. Maybe these people should be listed on some site, like sex offenders. Why not? Why sex offenders yes and emotional monsters not? Five years from now this could be legislated. People with diagnosed personality disorders should be listed. Think how much harm it would save.

I find this idea intriguing 

Just be warned man, every time I lost my sh@# and cussed her out about what she did it didn't do anything but made me feel worse. I don't know about your girl but mine was incapable of any sincere remorse. She also didn't learn jack every time her bad decisions bit her in the ass. She just shrugged it off and got on with her life.

[thisworld]

I truly think that getting over the feeling of humiliation could only be obtained with one method - getting back at them and humiliating them back.

NCEA hi,

You have asked for our thoughts, here are mine:

I believe the logic above would put you in a very dependent position because it says that if she can't be humiliated, you can't get over the feeling. How independent would you be if you perceive your well-being (in this example, getting over that feeling) as something that can be achieved through something someone else feels or does? To me, that means handing over my personal power to someone else. In this case a mentally disordered person. Are you sure you want to do this to yourself? With each act of retribution at this stage, you will be creating a power she actually doesn't have. Before you grow emotionally indifferent to her (detach and heal), categorically this is the only battlefield possible due to the value you attribute you your actions ("humiliating HER results in getting rid of MY feeling."

Justice, forgiveness (I don't believe it's necessary for healing), retribution are different things and may be looked at completely differently from various perspectives. Relying on someone else's feelings to feel good is another matter.  

Practically, too, I believe this would even lessen your chances of feeling good. Because humiliated people that you humiliate back don't usually disappear from the face of the earth. If she, like you, resorts to trying to humiliate you back to soothe her feelings (which they sometimes do with smear campaigns etc) you may find yourself in a war where you are getting crazier and crazier. Simply because you are a sane person:)) If you keep your emotions at that dependent position, it would be easy to win over you emotionally (as BPDs are able to rewrite history and sincerely believing that as well) simply because it's YOU who is leaving your feelings (feeling better/humiliation etc) open to her. It wouldn't be that difficult for her to get a victory, mind you. Here you are a narrative that can be used with certain alterations after any attack from your side, can be posted on FB or whatever:

I left NCEA and he felt humiliated, he drew me back to take revenge, oh I must  have hurt him so much. I'm so sorry for him. (This even after she falls in love with you again and this time you dump her). He says I'm a bad person and am crazy and fake and cheap for falling in love just in 4 days but the truth is I never liked him that much anyway and my boyfriend knows why, too. He feels sad for him as well. I think he feels bad because he dropped everything to be with me but I didn't want him. But what can you do? He's now stalking me and I can't get rid of him. I've cut all contact with him and just wanted my friends to know, still don't be harsh on the guy, he's hurt you know.

Where would that leave you?

Expose her to her new boyfriend, this or some more lies about you. Speak about her, this. Or something that fits the narrative. This doesn't lessen their chance of finding new replacements because they have a warped sense of reality (but unfortunately they don't have an A ha moment because they are mentally ill) that they can adjust to the replacement's emotional needs.

You can seek justice, you can seek retribution, revenge. It's not my place to comment on them here, I don't preach values to people without knowing what happened to them, in what ways they were hurt or violated etc.

However, for all of those, I believe one has to come to a complete point of emotional independence as well. That's real power and that results in proper independent action. You'll have many alternatives, but you have to come to that point first.

This is what I think.

[enlighten me]

The best form of revenge you can get is to get on with your life and forget about them. Nothing hurts them more than being inconsequential. Love and hate are two ides of the same coin. To them hate means they still matter to you.

Why put the effort of an elaborate revenge into them when you can use it on yourself to do something more positive for you?

[NCEA]

Thank you everybody for your detailed replies.

I have no problem to admit that she has power over me, following months of psychological games and the rest. But I don't prescribe to the idea that we are or should be "whole people" in ourselves and get all our emotions worked out by ourselves simply because we're social creatures and we're not meant to work like that. It's all baloney. As I wrote somewhere else, we're meant to live in tribes or communes, as part of a larger group and part of our emotional needs SHOULD get met by others. I didn't come up with this now, it's something I read and agreed with in a book called "Attachment".

Also - it's not about HER feelings and how she would feel or what she'll do. It's about ME, taking action, doing what is right. So it's  not as if her emotions here are my reason for doing it. It's MY feelings of doing what is write. When it ended I was still in love with her and didn't really understand what was going on, so I didn't lash out at her like I should have. She used to say "I'm afraid of my monster" - I should have explained her that she IS the monster, not something or someone inside her. Now, it's too late for that.

To me it makes total sense that from an emotional POV that I will look to seek closure by leveling things out with my aggressor. `And it works for me on the moral level too as I've explained above.

Would you tell a rape victim that the rape is over and that  she needs to "work out on her emotions" and put it behind her? F no.

I DO NOT want to deal with this for 1-2 years. That's ridiculous. I think this is a shortcut. I'll let you know how I feel after it's done.

And no, she will not know it's me. She will have no idea what hit her and as you can imagine she has many enemies.

Thanks for your comments.

[CollateralDamage]

For what it is worth, I DID get even with mine.  Nothing physical or illegal, but worked it like a chess game.  It worked beautifully, and it appeared to be Karma working its magic rather than me.  I felt great and I still do   She deserved it with what she did to me, the head games and the double life.  She was embarrassed beyond belief and the overall impact was a reduction in her supply.  She barely had any friends anyway, but once my plan was invoked, she now has a lot of alone time to really think about her actions.  The funny thing is that she still contacts me like I would ever return. 

[NCEA]

Nice! Sounds amazing. What did you do? If you don't want to write it here, send me a PM. I just wrote one to you.

[thisworld]

Would you tell a rape victim that the rape is over and that  she needs to "work out on her emotions" and put it behind her? F no.

"Would you tell a rape victim that the rape is over and that  she needs to "work out on her emotions" and put it behind her? F no"

No, f*no. We tell rape survivors that rape is over, that they need to work out on their emotions and illnesses (PTSD and whatnot) and decide to seek justice legally or not seek it depending on which will be more empowering for them as an individual. As soon as they reach out, we help them collect evidence properly (that's the first step, evidence disappears very quickly). It's important not to force anyone into seeking justice just because we think activism is good (that would be using them for our purposes) and neither do we force them to heal and let go and start a happy life somewhere. Individuals differ, sometimes, activism is healing in itself. But that's not built on revenge. Basically, from very radical activism to government guidelines (I know the UK, not sure about the US) we tell rape victims more or less what we have told you.  

Rape survivors are taught to distinguish between two different things. 1. Their own feelings and approach which can be modulated for their own good. 2. Justice coming from outside. Many survivors enter rape support groups with a strong belief that if justice is restored at an outer level, their feelings will be soothed. They are angry. The underlying feelings are frustration, helplessness, worthlessness. They think number 2 will restore this. In extreme cases where there is enough proof so the rapist gets a good sentence, this expectation is more or less satisfied. This is very rare and PTSD continues nevertheless. In most cases, survivors return more or less empty-handed (UK goverment papers warn against this), with minimal punishment for the rapist from the law and the society (and this is rape and in front of law, it's even worse when we are talking about emotional abuse and the hypocritical society). The painful process of trying to make others recognized that they were wronged is full of lots of invalidation and that's why it's termed "second rape."  In the end, many of these survivors find that the punishment inflicted does not satisfy them (the law admits this) and they turn this into an obsession and burn, burn, burn. Their lives are now ruled by this. That's why it's important to separate number 1 and number 2. You have the power to heal on your own and you can choose to seek justice - revenge is another concept. Only the two are not connected actually even though you are feeling like that at the moment. We heal on our own (that's a proven reality). Seeking justice at the outer level is an individual choice, I like that choice. Nobody is telling any survivor to put this behind them. Only, regaining independent power is important. Communal life, interdependency etc, does not contradict or erase this. One in inward, the other is outward. We can discuss your analogy if you like, but that's completely up to you.  

What happens when the victim seeks "revenge"? Judith Herman of trauma studies has a good observation on this. If victims do not do the emotional work necessary IN THEMSELVES, they can't become survivors and remain victims. Sadly, this is usually a victim position that mirrors that of the aggressor, perpetrator and unintentionally, they become perpetrators themselves who are like cloned versions of their aggressors. That's the reason why we need to heal no matter what. Not to leave this behind, but not to become it. The problem with "revenge" is you cannot determine the outcome and if results in something other than you expected - even if in the long run- you are back to square 1.    

I'm sorry and I do seriously apologize if these comments are offensive to you at the moment. When you said thanks for your comments, I felt like "maybe, he doesn't want to carry on anymore" and I decided to write despite that doubt on my mind. To me, that was a little risk-taking on my side because I don't know you. But I, another BPD survivor, feel completely on your side emotionally and morally. I enjoy thinking through your threads, the points you come up with teach me a lot and show me where I'm standing in my recovery. Still, of course I'll not pester you if you don't want to continue.

Best,

Thisworld

[enlighten me]

So one question.

If an act of revenge goes so well that the other person is left completely devastated and ends up committing suicide would it have still been worth it? The fact that someones brother, sister, son, daughter, mother or father is gone would be justified?

I know its extreme but so are these people and their emotions. I realise both my uBPD exs where walking on a knife edge and I realise how little it would take to push them over the edge.

I too had revenge fantasies but now they aren't worth my effort. They are sad and scared little children that lie and cheat, use and abuse people to get through each day. I don't need to be like them. Sinking to revenge on someone who is not capable of having a normal life is in my opinion below me. Yes I can be the bigger man and its not because I am some sort of saint. Its because I have better things to do with my life.

Bitterness makes bitter people. How are you meant to move on when no one finds you attractive due to the resent and loathing you carry around. Would a future partner be proud of your actions or would they fear you would do it to them? Would you keep it locked away as a skeleton in your closet as it shames you or boast about and make people think your a vindictive person?

[NCEA]

These are good legitimate questions. She will not kill herself. I know her. If you knew her, you'd realize that this is just the right reaction to this. She's not an alcoholic or some weak person but a very powerful woman who uses her sex appeal to slay men all over, one after another. She's an evil powerful woman, not the weak type some of you write about. If I'll actually be able to pull it off, she would even respect it... .(if she knew that it was planned). She's living in a movie like drama and this is just taking her actions back to her court and in her face.

[Fr4nz]

A lot of people here can't get over with it for a long time.

I think a lot of it has to do with being humiliated by an ugly discard.

It's not a normal break up. Mine told me she was "crazy in love" with someone after knowing him 4 days, and canceled my plans to move to her city after I've already booked a flight and apartment.

I truly think that getting over the feeling of humiliation could only be obtained with one method - getting back at them and humiliating them back.

Was your discard humiliating too? Any thoughts on this?

Yes, happened the same to me as well... .she claimed to be in love with the replacement just after 4 days he knew him for the first time. It's just the way BPDs work, they feel love when in reality they feel need.

[thisworld]

For what it is worth, I DID get even with mine.  Nothing physical or illegal, but worked it like a chess game.  It worked beautifully, and it appeared to be Karma working its magic rather than me.  I felt great and I still do   She deserved it with what she did to me, the head games and the double life.  She was embarrassed beyond belief and the overall impact was a reduction in her supply.  She barely had any friends anyway, but once my plan was invoked, she now has a lot of alone time to really think about her actions.  The funny thing is that she still contacts me like I would ever return. 

CollateralDamage,

You didn't build your well-being on this, did you? Your posts show that you worked with a therapist, shared experiences here and you are still at the detachment forum, which shows a lot of individual effort. Yours worked like a chess game, but can you guarantee that for everyone because you say BPD people are unpredictable?

How long has it been? It's possible to diminish opportunities of supply for a narcissist, BPD etc but they relocate and restart simply because they have to. This is survival. If they live, despite the big new shame, this is what they have to do. (They do this faster than us of course.) If you don't work on yourself, do you think you will feel good forever when she relocates and restarts in a matter of months at best? When she again finds the love of her life and truly believes this and completely rewrites history? Probably with a more serious codependent offering her sympathy for her victim situation? Or a man who is OK with open relationships and doesn't get wounded by cheating because he doesn't have a definition of it? ( A NPD would be very probable) So, a couple of replacements dropped them. So what? That happens to them all the time actually. Only, we don't get told that.

[Fr4nz]

So one question.

If an act of revenge goes so well that the other person is left completely devastated and ends up committing suicide would it have still been worth it? The fact that someones brother, sister, son, daughter, mother or father is gone would be justified?

I know its extreme but so are these people and their emotions. I realise both my uBPD exs where walking on a knife edge and I realise how little it would take to push them over the edge.

I too had revenge fantasies but now they aren't worth my effort. They are sad and scared little children that lie and cheat, use and abuse people to get through each day. I don't need to be like them. Sinking to revenge on someone who is not capable of having a normal life is in my opinion below me. Yes I can be the bigger man and its not because I am some sort of saint. Its because I have better things to do with my life.

Bitterness makes bitter people. How are you meant to move on when no one finds you attractive due to the resent and loathing you carry around. Would a future partner be proud of your actions or would they fear you would do it to them? Would you keep it locked away as a skeleton in your closet as it shames you or boast about and make people think your a vindictive person?

I fully agree with enlighten me, revenge is pointless. They'll think to be victims anyway, and they'll try to move on with a "new" life as soon as possible (they behave like survivors in the end). Their way of thinking is disordered, you cannot expect they'll behave and react like us.

As others suggested, the best form of revenge is just to stay NC and move on with your life in the best, possible way.

If you really want to stick a needle in their eye, from time to time, perhaps you may want to consider to show publicly on facebook your accomplishments (that worked for me, and I'm sure about it ).

Their life is so chaotic and without stable, long term goals and relationships that seeing an old partner moving succesfully with its life can be quite a big revenge... .and perhaps this'll give them something to think about and learn from that!

It's a win-win thing

[bAlex]

I think ultimately it would be great if she lost her looks. If no one wants to date her it would make her think twice about what she had, how carelessly she gave it up, and the damage she caused. I think a lot of them have it way too easy! They seem to always have an endless supply of suitors, so replacing someone is nothing to them. Perhaps father time will take care of that...

[NCEA]

Age is men's best friend... .and women's worst enemy. They'll all lose their looks way before us. And sorry for the ladies who read it, but it's usually true.

[thisworld]

I have that fantasy about the looks as well. My ex is male and dysfunctional so looks is the only thing left, but it doesn't work as effectively.

If no one wants to date her it would make her think twice about what she had, how carelessly she gave it up, and the damage she caused.

This may not be so, though. Usually, they end up with no dates but by that time, they have trapped someone in a marriage (just anyone really) and they turn that person's life into another form of hell because they can't release tension through these affairs. Males growl and become very depressed and dismissive. I don't know what women do but I bet you don't want to be there. You still get trinagulated sometimes, with the cashier at the grocery store, the postman etc. It doesn't end. To what extent they have awareness is another issue. They don't think about losses the way we do. They probably come up with a victim scenario again (all those people I've wasted MY years for.) They don't like the punishment time gives but only for their purposes, not with empathy for the people they damaged.

[thisworld]

Age is men's best friend... .and women's worst enemy. They'll all lose their looks way before us. And sorry for the ladies who read it, but it's usually true.

Hopefully we won't be doing Cluster B anymore so these things will not matter. The guy gave me two new wrinkles, serious

[enlighten me]

These are good legitimate questions. She will not kill herself. I know her. If you knew her, you'd realize that this is just the right reaction to this. She's not an alcoholic or some weak person but a very powerful woman who uses her sex appeal to slay men all over, one after another. She's an evil powerful woman, not the weak type some of you write about. If I'll actually be able to pull it off, she would even respect it... .(if she knew that it was planned). She's living in a movie like drama and this is just taking her actions back to her court and in her face.

Ok so your plan works and she has something to play victim about. Her white knight comes to her rescue and whisks her off to a life of luxury. How would you feel if your actions gave her an even better life?

Im a great believer in karma. By making them a victim they can be rescued and have someone to blame. By leaving them to their own devices and letting them ruin their own lives then no one rescues them.

Its very easy to see the outcome we want but we have to look at it from all angles. We may facilitate them in getting everything thing they want just by trying to bring them down.

[steve195915]

I disagree.

All that getting revenge on them does is make them think that you are the bad guy and they where right about you.

You are not dealing with a logical mind. You are dealing with someone who acts on feelings. Its not normally premeditated its reaction and survival instinct. They may never realise the consequences of their actions so no lesson will be learnt.

When I was lied to and discarded like I was nothing, I too felt like I'd want her to suffer somehow.  But after I thought about it and being aware of her BPD, I knew she can never be truly happy, can never find true love and peace.  She has to live with her illness with the emotional dysfunctions, anger outbursts, crazy thoughts, contentious relationships and all the other traits so that's enough punishment.  

And you are right, they don't realize the consequences of their actions so just doing something to them as revenge will just lead to their justifying their actions and they can use that as proof and to entice to their next victim to feeling sorry for them and wanting to protect and take care of them.  Yes their actions are based on their delusional thoughts sometimes as a survival instinct and sometimes just as a childish emotional reaction.  

The hard part to come to grips with is whether their actions were premeditated as sometimes it sure seems that way.  If that's the case it sure seems like it's wrong to let them just walk away without paying any price for doing what they did and then they can do it to the next person that comes in their life.  I think all of us would like justice of some sort if their actions were truly premeditated.  I just don't think they are, they are mentally ill and have to live their life that way, and that is punishment enough.

[enlighten me]

I totally agree Steve.

Time is a great healer and a great eye opener. My ex wife left me in 2011. Dragged me through a messy divorce and took my sons away to live with the new love of her life. She is married to a man that she now hates. Has no friends or family where she lives and my sons now live with me. If I wanted to make her suffer I couldn't have done a better job than she has done herself.

Let time be your revenge and moving on. Living a happy and fulfilled life because you can rest assured that they will mess their lives up and will live every day with regret and the knowledge that deep down it was them and no one else at fault for their circumstances.

One day I will have my dream house in the country where my children and grandchildren can gather and have happy times. When this happens my ex wife will no doubt be looking on envious and realising she could have been a part of it. By then though she wont even register in my thoughts.

[NCEA]

The hard part to come to grips with is whether their actions were premeditated as sometimes it sure seems that way.  If that's the case it sure seems like it's wrong to let them just walk away without paying any price for doing what they did and then they can do it to the next person that comes in their life.  I think all of us would like justice of some sort if their actions were truly premeditated.

Yes, they know. When they answer in an ugly way, when they play the cold/hot game, when they cheat, when they do something immoral, they know that what they're doing is bad. Or else she wouldn't talk about "her monster" or "afraid of being herself".

She's afraid? She should have been. She could have taken herself to therapy. She could have asked for help. She could have not done what she knew was wrong.

She didn't break the law, you can't go to the police... .so you take action yourself. I'm doing it. Time will take it's toll on her as well, I know it will, but I want an active part in it.

[Inharmsway]

Good points you making there about getting them back and returning the favor. Although I wasn't really discarded unceremoniously, i did the leaving after having had enough.

The fact that they were trolling the internet in less than 3 days looking for sex was a major blow not just to whatever was left of my ego but also a final nail in the coffin. It confirmed that my decision was good afterall.

Karma will get them for us, I've let go and am now at peace. The fact that he might be stuck in this vicious loop brings me some twisted comfort and joy but since it's another human being, i feel their pain and wouldn't wish what they have on my worst enemy. It's a hollow, empty, painful and horrible life to lead.

If i were religious, I'd equate BPD to eternal "HELL".

[steve195915]

Good points you making there about getting them back and returning the favor. Although I wasn't really discarded unceremoniously, i did the leaving after having had enough.

The fact that they were trolling the internet in less than 3 days looking for sex was a major blow not just to whatever was left of my ego but also a final nail in the coffin. It confirmed that my decision was good afterall.

Karma will get them for us, I've let go and am now at peace. The fact that he might be stuck in this vicious loop brings me some twisted comfort and joy but since it's another human being, i feel their pain and wouldn't wish what they have on my worst enemy. It's a hollow, empty, painful and horrible life to lead.

If i were religious, I'd equate BPD to eternal "HELL".

Yes BPD is hell for them, that's why so many threaten or commit suicide, or cut themselves. 

I wouldn't wish BPD on my worst enemy either. 

[GVincent]

Gosh! Gosh Golly Gee Whiz!

I'm really hurting right this minute. Up and down like most of you/us since the breakup. Learning to love myself again slowly, very slowly but surely. And right this moment, as I write to you all, taking a break at the office as my poor tired and obsessed brain takes me to that horrible place of -LIAR, CHEATER, HOW COULD YOU, FOUND THOSE PICTURES WHERE YOU'RE ALL DRESSED UP FOR HIM, NOT ME... .etc and I come here to this place for some solace, some support, and I see, as always, that I am not alone.

So my take on all this - I get it, I really do. From where I sit at this exact moment, my emotions are right there with you -get back at her, hurt her, make her feel what I'm feeling, etc.

But here's the thing. I'll still be here, before, during and after I get back. I'll still be here, hurting, not loving myself, wanting somehow to "get back together" NOT! But you know what I mean.

Is my ex evil? I don't know. Did she do things to me that I felt were evil, probably. But I AM NOT EVIL. Even if our 15 year r/s was not real to her, it was to me. I never did anything but TRY with my own means, my own problems and codependency issues, to love her, protect her, and yes control and change her, save her, to the best of my ability.

I'm so tired of that, of her and of that person I was. I am no longer that person. I am rebuilding, becoming a better me.

So the upshot, my 2 cents-I really do understand the need/desire for revenge, I really do. Personally I have decided to take revenge on me, on the me that accepted the humiliation. Revenge on me by becoming, as I said, a new-improved better me.

Peace,

G

[steve195915]

The hard part to come to grips with is whether their actions were premeditated as sometimes it sure seems that way.  If that's the case it sure seems like it's wrong to let them just walk away without paying any price for doing what they did and then they can do it to the next person that comes in their life.  I think all of us would like justice of some sort if their actions were truly premeditated.

Yes, they know. When they answer in an ugly way, when they play the cold/hot game, when they cheat, when they do something immoral, they know that what they're doing is bad. Or else she wouldn't talk about "her monster" or "afraid of being herself".

She's afraid? She should have been. She could have taken herself to therapy. She could have asked for help. She could have not done what she knew was wrong.

She didn't break the law, you can't go to the police... .so you take action yourself. I'm doing it. Time will take it's toll on her as well, I know it will, but I want an active part in it.

I can totally understand the anger you feel, as I felt the same too at first.  They sort of know they did wrong with their bad words, or horrible actions, and they may have some sense that something is wrong with them, but at the same time they seem not to be able to really comprehend it and do something about it.  Their thought process is insane.  

As far as taking actions on them, whatever you do will most likely just backfire.  If you try to tell her family or friends or acquaintances about her, it will just make you look bad as they know how to play the victim role and can use this to their advantage, it also justifies their actions too.  If you do something illegal then you will just risk getting yourself in trouble.  

As Inharmsway said, they're living a hollow, empty, painful and horrible life, a living hell.  Hopefully your anger will subside and you can find peace in that.

[Fr4nz]

I can totally understand the anger you feel, as I felt the same too at first.  They sort of know they did wrong with their bad words, or horrible actions, and they may have some sense that something is wrong with them, but at the same time they seem not to be able to really comprehend it and do something about it.  Their thought process is insane.  

They have huge problems with self-esteem and they often loathe themselves in extreme ways.

As such, their impulsive actions often produce shame in them aftwerwards, a shame they have somehow to hide under the carpet or compartimentalize in their mind; that's why they often have to find some excuses for their actions or they split you black: these are defense mechanisms which kick in to preserve their self.

[Learning_curve74]

I totally understand people often want revenge. We want somebody who hurt us to be hurt in turn. As if they will learn a lesson or something too. However, what steve195915 wrote is worth repeating:

As far as taking actions on them, whatever you do will most likely just backfire.  If you try to tell her family or friends or acquaintances about her, it will just make you look bad as they know how to play the victim role and can use this to their advantage, it also justifies their actions too.  If you do something illegal then you will just risk getting yourself in trouble.  

The issue with "taking revenge" is that we may not like the outcome. Or it will hurt us as well. It depends too much on the other person, and that's something to learn: when our happiness or peace of mind depends on another person, we can be too easily disappointed.

BPD is a learned ingrained pattern of disordered thoughts and dysfunctional strategies towards life. It takes years of intense therapy and work to change these things. Getting revenge on her only reinforces her worldview and the way she treats people. Basically, "people screw me, so I have to screw them first, thank you NCEA for reinforcing it."

[Mutt]

I feel it's important to take control back, by writing the true last note.

Anger is healthy when it helps us to detach from an unhealthy relationship but when anger turns to revenge the other person has control over us. Someone else mentioned doing emotional work on ourselves. I think that you will find many members here agree that these break-ups are a lot of pain NCEA but to take control is to take control of ourselves and let go, that path will lead to emotional well being and peace.

We all come from different walks of life and have different experiences but we can empathize with how difficult these r/s break-ups are.  I'm sorry to hear that she humiliated you but my advise is to share your experience with us on the forum, get it off of your chest and process the anger.

[bAlex]

Reading everyone's posts here, and most of you seem to make logical, good points. But I agree with NCEA - they know damn well that what they do IS wrong, but they do it anyway. They know damn well that they're guilty when you confront them, but they deny, manipulate, gaslight and straight up lie their way out of it, they just don't care who they hurt in the process. They will rarely, if ever admit any wrong on their part, always about them, what they want. When I needed her to do what was right the simple act of LISTENING wasn't even an option. She knew right from wrong, she just chose to ignore it.

Considering the comments on these boards about them not being logical, no remorse, not learning from mistakes, them being able to move on to the next "victim" with such ease if their world came crashing down, simply blaming others and taking on the role of the victim etc... Is any amount of karma ever enough for them to finally learn something? Is karma even strong enough to even stand up to their train of thought? Will anything bad make a difference in their lives seeing that they seem to thrive in chaos? How can it be a living hell for them? Water off a duck's back. I can't help but feel somewhat helpless when I read about that. They seem to be immune to whatever life throws at them.

I understand they are sick and they didn't choose to be this way. But does that give them a free pass to do what they want? Just steamroll their way through life and sorry for you for being in the way? Should we keep taking the high road and understand, forgive, accept, move on? Just NC? Is that really our only defence? It doesn't seem enough. Some members have been here for years, is that everyone's fate when all they wanted to do was be in a happy relationship? Why should we pay for their sorrows?

[Invictus01]

No point. The best thing you can do is walk away. Just walk away, no revenge is necessary. The best way to go through life is to get rid of people who don't belong there and keep the ones who want to be there, no matter what their state of mind is.

[once removed]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

when a relationship comes to an end (the case for all of us here) the power struggle is over (usually). we are faced with detaching, or not. this is the detaching board. engaging in revenge is not detaching.

in other words, this relationship ended; in a painful and humiliating way that understandably hurt your ego, i understand. ive been there. you can heal from this. but the relationship ended. when i was a senior in high school i had a three month relationship that left me devastated. to this day, i have occasional painful dreams about her, and if i were to try, i can dig up painful thoughts, feelings, and memories. would you recommend i seek revenge or would you remind me that the relationship ended?

you describe this person as a monster, fair enough. if thats the case, you can cut your losses and consider yourself free, she can never hurt you again. shes not your problem anymore.

[NCEA]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

The only "outcome" is damage, there is nothing too elaborate here. I was listening to No More Mr. Nice Guy a couple of days ago and to be honest I'm starting to feel that part of the reason most of you don't agree with me is that you're SUCH NICE GUYS, which is the reason you got here in the first place.

You can learn to stand firm on your boundaries RETROACTIVELY.  You've been harmed? HARM BACK. I know, at the time you were hurt and confused and had CD, but now after a few months it's time to get even.

Who's with me? 



This will teach you to assert yourselves next time some nut is walking all over you, invalidating you, crush your boundaries or what have you.

[Mutt]

NCEA,

You can learn to stand firm on your boundaries RETROACTIVELY.

Can you tell me what boundaries are?

Well, like all stories I'm sure, it's hard to know where to start.

I guess where we met - in Greece, 3 years ago. I've met her and her friend outside of a vacation house.  We spoke the three of us, and as they are French and are very open sexually, we ended up in sort of a 3some. I slept with her friend, but not with her, she watched us and kissed me, but no sex. At the time she was in a relationship that was falling apart. Years later I'll understand what it meant.

Three years later I'm living in Argentina for a couple of months and post on my FB "who wants to visit me?" . We only wrote each other a few times in these past 3 years but now she wrote that she needs a vacation and "sort of a in a break from the boyfriend" and wanted to come. I said yes.

She came over to visit me and we spent 9 days together and "fell in love". She went back to Europe and started love bombing me, and we went into a long distance relationship.

What were your boundaries when you met your ex?

[Invictus01]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

The only "outcome" is damage, there is nothing too elaborate here. I was listening to No More Mr. Nice Guy a couple of days ago and to be honest I'm starting to feel that part of the reason most of you don't agree with me is that you're SUCH NICE GUYS, which is the reason you got here in the first place.

You can learn to stand firm on your boundaries RETROACTIVELY.  You've been harmed? HARM BACK. I know, at the time you were hurt and confused and had CD, but now after a few months it's time to get even.

Who's with me? 



This will teach you to assert yourselves next time some nut is walking all over you, invalidating you, crush your boundaries or what have you.

Trying to go on a revenge campaign isn't gonna teach you anything. First of all, if you are dealing with a PD individual, you aren't playing on the even field. What you consider being a "revenge", depending on what flavor of PD you are dealing with, might be considered a fun source of entertainment. And second... .What will help you not to end up in the same position is to learn how you got there in the first place. That's how you not end up back there, not dishing out what you perceive being a " revenge "

[JaneStorm]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

when a relationship comes to an end (the case for all of us here) the power struggle is over (usually). we are faced with detaching, or not. this is the detaching board. engaging in revenge is not detaching.

in other words, this relationship ended; in a painful and humiliating way that understandably hurt your ego, i understand. ive been there. you can heal from this. but the relationship ended. when i was a senior in high school i had a three month relationship that left me devastated. to this day, i have occasional painful dreams about her, and if i were to try, i can dig up painful thoughts, feelings, and memories. would you recommend i seek revenge or would you remind me that the relationship ended?

you describe this person as a monster, fair enough. if thats the case, you can cut your losses and consider yourself free, she can never hurt you again. shes not your problem anymore.

I needed to read this today. I admit that I unearthed and hoarded some very damning pictures, texts, and emails very early on in the relationship. I held onto them. I had fantasies of using them each time he fire-bombed my heart. He never knew I had them; until last night. I emailed him a not so subtle threat. I don't think I will be hearing from him after I heard his head explode, 40 miles away. I won't expose him. I don't want to hurt him. I needed to burn that bridge (for myself) once and for all. There is no return after the revelation of what I have been sitting on. I will delete all temptations over time. It is so sad that I had to go full nuclear option.

[thisworld]

I think you did the best Janestorm,

Because BPD is not as controlled or collected as a NPD or ASPD, you are lucky if they just relocate but with their impulsivity, they may actually create more difficulties. I sometimes wish my ex was more NPD (he has traits but is also very impulsive) or even ASPD because the negotiation - you do something bad, you have something to lose- sticks with them to a degree. Not always with BPD. My T advises going gray rock for this reason. Even gray rock throws him off balance bad, so I still have to offer some supply and decrease that gradually.

[JaneStorm]

I think you did the best Janestorm,

Because BPD is not as controlled or collected as a NPD or ASPD, you are lucky if they just relocate but with their impulsivity, they may actually create more difficulties. I sometimes wish my ex was more NPD (he has traits but is also very impulsive) or even ASPD because the negotiation - you do something bad, you have something to lose- sticks with them to a degree. Not always with BPD. My T advises going gray rock for this reason. Even gray rock throws him off balance bad, so I still have to offer some supply and decrease that gradually.

Thank you for that. It pains me that he is now in terror of what I will do. I just needed the cycle to stop. He is still soothing (setting up opportunities at least) with other women. Holidays are best for "tell so-and-so I said hi... ." crap and then act the victim when he has to 'block' them from bothering him. Insanity.

What is Gray Rock?

[Schermarhorn]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

The only "outcome" is damage, there is nothing too elaborate here. I was listening to No More Mr. Nice Guy a couple of days ago and to be honest I'm starting to feel that part of the reason most of you don't agree with me is that you're SUCH NICE GUYS, which is the reason you got here in the first place.

You can learn to stand firm on your boundaries RETROACTIVELY.  You've been harmed? HARM BACK. I know, at the time you were hurt and confused and had CD, but now after a few months it's time to get even.

Who's with me? 



This will teach you to assert yourselves next time some nut is walking all over you, invalidating you, crush your boundaries or what have you.

1. You are most likely going to start a war with someone that can't be beat. Anything you do will be returned ten fold. You aren't talking about a sane sensible person. I urge you to look at what other people have gotten themselves into.

2. Keeping yourself involved is only going to cause you more harm. Why are you continuing to associate yourself with this person?

3. The problem is not with being a nice guy. It is being a nice guy without boundaries. The lesson is not to change our personalities, but it is to establish boundaries. Most of us will now cut off contact once we see we are being mistreated.

[thisworld]

Janestorm,

Gray rock is basically limited communication where you respond (it has simple guidelines on the internet) but in such a dull, nonpersonal way (and always like this) that an ASPD, NPD etc does not get the ego wound and doesn't turn very malignant and replaces you quickly. Hopefully, they'll leave you alone because they think leaving you is alone is what THEY want because you are as dull as a gray rock in the scenery and you provide no supply. Basically, you are too boring for them. (NC is sometimes understood as negative supply or hurts their ego too much). Luckily, these are actually lazy people who don't put much effort when there is nothing to gain. When there isn't much hope of supply, they don't tend to stick around and put effort. If they stick around and are demanding, a well-planned exposure (or a threat as you have done) may be necessary - mostly it doesn't come to that, luckily. It is advisable that you work with a therapist or support group at that stage because sometimes, slow and escalating subtle threats also work etc.

No need to worry though, these are rare cases. They mostly hide a bit, have a couple of attempts (but are working on replacements or smt) and then go away. You did what you thought was necessary for your safety, don't worry about the rest now.

Stay strong. 

[Itstopsnow]

Take it from me. It is best to cut all ties! When I put my ex up on a website that he was already on in 2012. Warning women about his lies, manipulations and cheating, it only kept me more tangled with him and his mother! She even called me telling me I was the love of her sons life and she didn't really know his second girlfriend and she was nothing to him . Whatever they both lie. They live a very stormy messed up life! They will never feel safe or secure with anyone and they can't be alone with themselves and their own thoughts. Their disorder also affects many other areas of their lives. Mind was always in debt, spending too much, saved nothing and developed a gambling addiction the last 7 months we dated . Couldn't hold jobs too long either. No real friendship besides who he dates I guess (uses) and family members . Really getting revenge on someone that pathetic . Why bother? So they can continue to blame you for their life fling badly? Let them blame someone else . They really are their own worse enemies. Nothing you do will add or subtract to the fact that they will never have a real relationship that is honest, trustworthy and fruitful . It sucks I never got my closure from him. But do I need it? He's a pathological liar . Nothing would be true even if he tried to explain. Plus we know what they are. Even if they don't.  I was happy I put up the profile on him so he could read what I thought of him and expose him for a bit. But taking it down made me feel better because it made me let go. Revenge or reengaging in anyway will bring you back into the craziness . Stay away for your own health

[Michelle27]

I understand the temptation to get revenge.  I have thought about it.  But it's not who I am.  I strongly believe in Karma and believe people get what they deserve in the long run.  I am spending my energy healing from the damage of the relationship with a pwBPD and want to be the best version of me I've ever been.  That doesn't jive with exacting revenge. 

In trying to decide which path to take, I also realized what others have said in this thread... .that many of the pwBPD we've dealt with will never have a healthy relationship unless and until they get serious therapy (and as we know, most won't).  That's sad, and in my low moments of thinking about getting revenge, I remember that because of this, they can never truly be happy being themselves and enjoy a genuine loving, reciprocal and giving relationship. 

[NCEA]

Really getting revenge on someone that pathetic. Stay away for your own health

My girl is nothing like that. She has a good job and lives well and simply enjoys playing with her toys. I really think every case is different. I wouldn't do it to anyone, it's a very specific types of girl who , in my opinion, deserves it. And this wouldn't come instead of other types of healing but in addition to it.

I'm about to launch a not for profit website that promotes a good positive cause, I wish I could post here the links. It will be video based and kind of self help + being good to others based. I'm starting a new degree, settled in a new city after years of traveling, only eat organic and work out 3 times a week. I'm also going to start soon CBT , although I'm also contemplating a pshyciatrist, not sure which to take.

It's just a little side hobby, I'm not sure I'll be able to execute what I want but I'll try.

[Fox Mulder]

I sometimes think about getting revenge. Not by hurting her or even interacting with her - I plan to never communicate with her again. But I do want to get even by living well and meeting an amazing new girl while her new relationship goes off the rails and she ends up feeling even more trapped and unhappy than she claimed she was with me.

The problem is that getting to a place where I'm happier than I ever was with her, and meeting someone new and awesome who really loves me, seems like a really difficult thing to achieve - and really unlikely. And her downfall into unhappiness is completely - and rightfully - out of my hands, and judging from what I've seen on her social media (which I peeked at a few times and completely messed myself up, so I've stopped doing it) she's blissfully happy and feeling free and taking part in all the marijuana and alcohol that she wasn't able to with me because I didn't partake in either of those things.

I hear that wanting to get back at a BPD ex is pointless, because they've already got BPD and that's a life sentence of unhappiness. But I don't know. She seems real happy now. She painted me as the worst choice she had ever made and completely got rid of me. Anyone would be delighted to rid themselves of something they hated so passionately...

[Beach_Babe]

I can't speak for your ex, but mine was a sadistic bully. He thrived on pain, and will spend the rest of his life hurting others because he has a disorder. This does not make the abuse we suffered OK. 

[Herodias]

I'm with you Beach Babe- mine is awful! Everything he does is for his own benefit and is very manipulative! I get why people would want revenge. My revenge is getting better and not being with him anymore. It takes time. I'm almost divorced. He still pushes my buttons and I hate it! I know he will be miserable in the future if he isn't already. He's using this having a baby thing for all the attention he can get - he will do the same to this gf and he's not going to quit drinking. Maybe once I'm out there is no more triangle - this is the most humiliating thing to have a husband with a pregnant gf! Why doesn't it look bad to them? At least I know his parents are humiliated too! They will get theirs on their own! I'm convinced!

[Learning_curve74]

I understand they are sick and they didn't choose to be this way. But does that give them a free pass to do what they want? Just steamroll their way through life and sorry for you for being in the way? Should we keep taking the high road and understand, forgive, accept, move on? Just NC? Is that really our only defence? It doesn't seem enough. Some members have been here for years, is that everyone's fate when all they wanted to do was be in a happy relationship? Why should we pay for their sorrows?

When in the early phases of healing, we are hurt and are mostly concentrating on our own pain. We often feel that the BPD ex got off "scot free". They don't get a free pass, they typically keep doing the same dysfunctional things and keep ruining their relationships. A BPD person's greatest fear is being alone and being abandonded, so in effect they create their own misery. Once we heal and move on to lead healthy fulfilling lives of our own, why is that not "enough"? If I'm busy spending my time having a rich, fulfilling, and healthy life, where will I have the extra time and energy to waste on "revenge"? And if I'm in the process of healing, why should I spend time and energy that is important in healing myself towards hurting another person instead?

There are many different people with different ways of living, yet there are some ways that are often non-constructive and even destructive. We should be careful about giving in to our immediate emotions because that is part of what got us to this point in the first place. When we consider our emotions AND involve some considered thought, we can choose the course of action that is in our own best long term interests instead of being emotionally reactive and making rash decisions that may hurt us.

[UVA2002]

Trust me if u seek revenge on a BPD just live well smile and pretend they never exsisted. It's their worst fear and years later they still come back

[Beach_Babe]

  My revenge is getting better and not being with him anymore.

Well said Blue! The cycle will simply repeat. Look how he has already devalued his gf trying to recycle already with you. I really do not understand here, simply because they are mentally ill we cannot call a spade a spade. My ex, for example, is a pathological liar and con artist; he willingly violates the law and enjoys hurting women and torturing animals. My bank accounts were drained when he left and during the relationship was often beaten within an inch of my life. Yet I had people here telling me I had no right to my feelings or "its been x amount of time get over it."   Seriously, how is it healing to further shame someone? I don't know NCEA but clearly the guy has been through hell. Can we,as a group try to exercise perhaps a tad more compassion?

[Fr4nz]

  My revenge is getting better and not being with him anymore.

Well said Blue! The cycle will simply repeat. Look how he has already devalued his gf trying to recycle already with you. I really do not understand here, simply because they are mentally ill we cannot call a spade a spade. My ex, for example, is a pathological liar and con artist; he willingly violates the law and enjoys hurting women and torturing animals. My bank accounts were drained when he left and during the relationship was often beaten within an inch of my life. Yet I had people here telling me I had no right to my feelings or "its been x amount of time get over it."   Seriously, how is it healing to further shame someone? I don't know NCEA but clearly the guy has been through hell. Can we,as a group try to exercise perhaps a tad more compassion?

If he likes to torture animals (can you explain a little bit), then we're talking about an individual who has, most likely, anti-social traits; that's quite different from a "pure" BPD.

[Fr4nz]

I sometimes think about getting revenge. Not by hurting her or even interacting with her - I plan to never communicate with her again. But I do want to get even by living well and meeting an amazing new girl while her new relationship goes off the rails and she ends up feeling even more trapped and unhappy than she claimed she was with me.

The problem is that getting to a place where I'm happier than I ever was with her, and meeting someone new and awesome who really loves me, seems like a really difficult thing to achieve - and really unlikely. And her downfall into unhappiness is completely - and rightfully - out of my hands, and judging from what I've seen on her social media (which I peeked at a few times and completely messed myself up, so I've stopped doing it) she's blissfully happy and feeling free and taking part in all the marijuana and alcohol that she wasn't able to with me because I didn't partake in either of those things.

I hear that wanting to get back at a BPD ex is pointless, because they've already got BPD and that's a life sentence of unhappiness. But I don't know. She seems real happy now. She painted me as the worst choice she had ever made and completely got rid of me. Anyone would be delighted to rid themselves of something they hated so passionately...

FB is just a façade... .who knows what is really going on in their lives and minds.

[EaglesJuju]

I completely understand the anger and hurt of everyone in this thread.   I have felt the hurt and anger from my pwBPD as well. There are no words to truly describe the hurt and anguish you have felt. I am sorry that you all have had to endure such sadness.

When in the early phases of healing, we are hurt and are mostly concentrating on our own pain. We often feel that the BPD ex got off "scot free". They don't get a free pass, they typically keep doing the same dysfunctional things and keep ruining their relationships.

This is completely accurate.  A pwBPD will hate themselves more than you ever could. They have vicious cycles of shame/self-loathing/self-disgust, which triggers maladaptive behavior to cope and regulate their emotions. For a BPD sufferer it is a never ending cycle of self-sabotage and destruction. You could do the worst thing that you could possibly think of to get retribution, but it really is nothing compared to the hell they face on a daily basis.  Remember, a large portion of BPD sufferers self-harm and are suicidal. Honestly, there is nothing that you can really do that is worse to someone that already has suicidal ideation and wants to die. 

All personality disordered people are not the same. I have experienced a personality disordered relationship by being the partner and the person with a personality disorder. My pwBPD, suffers from BPD  and I was diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder. Granted, I do not fit the criteria for DPD anymore because of years of therapy and a lot of hard work. DPD is different from BPD, although both disorders share abandonment fears and poor self-esteem. PwDPD tend to be more of people pleasers and blame themselves for other people's behavior.

I do not condone hurtful or cruel behavior whether it be from a BPD, NPD, DPD, or a non-personality disordered person. From my own experience before therapy, there really was nothing anyone could have done to me to make me feel worse than I already did about myself. I felt more guilt about things that most people would never blame themselves for. All it would take is for someone to threaten or trigger abandonment and that was it; game over. 

[Herodias]

FR4NZ, Some BPD's have traits of NPD and anti-social disorder as well. I have also read that BPD's can be as bad and/or worse in some ways... .It is really hard for therapists to diagnose them,  we know them better than anyone. Mine loved animals, but when in a situation when he felt he wanted to control them, he would hold the cat tight and not let it move... .as he did with me. He would also pull the dog away from me and threaten to hurt her to upset me... .I never thought he would but I don't know. He would also never follow "rules" like pick up after her or leave her on the leash. We argued about that allot. One time he let her run out of the yard when he was drunk and someone down the street picked her up and luckily we caught him before he took her to the pound! Just awful. She would shake when he was drunk. She didn't want to be around him but felt upset when he would force her to come to him since dogs want to do what they are told. It was very upsetting. Actually, I am glad this came up because these are the things I need to remember! I am horrified to think of him with a child. I bet his parents are as well! I am glad it wasn't any worse as I am sure there are stories that are allot worse.

[Beach_Babe]

I am convinced mine was NPD. His psychiatrist, however, diagnosed BPD. My point, regardless, is that we are quick to judge people who are hurting. No revenge is NOT a good idea, but I can remember a time when that's all I thought about too. It took a while for those feelings to dissipate and being shamed in no way sped up the process. It's true, you will never them "teach a lesson", they are sick and its wasted energy. Better to improve ourselves.

[Turkish]

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