Forgetfulness a BPD trait?

[jujux15]

I was reading a page here about break ups and noticed in particular the statement along the lines that too our BPD partner absence can actually make them forget us like a child out of sight out of mind. I immediately remembered how my ex would tell me when people angered or upset her she was able to not focus on them to the point of legitimately forgetting who they are. I also only saw my ex once a week or every two to three weeks she often told me that sometimes she'd forget my face and how I am and would think too herself after reuniting "that's why I love him" is this a common BPD trait? I always found it unsettling like I had to constantly win her back

[Thread]

My experience isn't so much the out of sight out of mind one, but who knows . That could be a thing that I'm just not aware of.

But my h Bpd is very "absent minded" or forgetful. I will tell him things, write them down, text them, have full on conversations about upcoming things... .And he will do it wrong or forget and say that we never had those 1,2 or 3 conversations. I say 3 because I will seriously have to talk about the same thing over and over to make sure he won't "forget." And sometimes he makes fun of me for have the same conversation w him multiple times. Damned if I do and blamed I set him up for failure if I don't. Fun times ... .

[enlighten me]

From what Ive read and experienced I don't think they forget you just the emotions attached to you. Im still trying to figure out cognitive memory when it comes to BPD.

My exgf has hundreds of photos which to me seems obsessive. She has a very good memory with certain things but seems to need the photos to remind her of the emotion attached to that particular moment.

[jujux15]

My experience isn't so much the out of sight out of mind one, but who knows . That could be a thing that I'm just not aware of.

But my h Bpd is very "absent minded" or forgetful. I will tell him things, write them down, text them, have full on conversations about upcoming things... .And he will do it wrong or forget and say that we never had those 1,2 or 3 conversations. I say 3 because I will seriously have to talk about the same thing over and over to make sure he won't "forget." And sometimes he makes fun of me for have the same conversation w him multiple times. Damned if I do and blamed I set him up for failure if I don't. Fun times ... .

I can relate to that, i'd often have to pull up the text messages of what she said because she'd be so sure that she didnt say or did say something and it was the complete opposite, glad to hear that its possible for it to work when someone has BPD!

[jujux15]

From what Ive read and experienced I don't think they forget you just the emotions attached to you. Im still trying to figure out cognitive memory when it comes to BPD.

My exgf has hundreds of photos which to me seems obsessive. She has a very good memory with certain things but seems to need the photos to remind her of the emotion attached to that particular moment.

that would make sense, hence the whole having to remember why she loves after not seeing me for a week or more. I havent had many relationships to compare my experiences with her too so I didnt know if all girls were like this, like they just really need to see their bf constantly or they'd just forget things? I dont know

[Thread]

I don't think it's normal to forget someone important to you if you don't see them regularly. I mean hello Facebook, you can see whomever you'd like everyday. Skype, Instagram... .You name it!

[jujux15]

I don't think it's normal to forget someone important to you if you don't see them regularly. I mean hello Facebook, you can see whomever you'd like everyday. Skype, Instagram... .You name it!

ok cool, you spend so much time with a person you start wondering if maybe you're looking at things wrong you know? It never made sense either because she'd get distant after not seeing me and i'd be like ok lets talk, skype, call or whatever and she'd try but ultimately i initiated everything and did most of everything because... .well I have no explanation, she'd say it makes her feel better one second then say oh yeah skyping really works! But never work with me to actually find time to do it. Being with her in person was mostly extremely blissful, it was when I wasnt with her and she was all distant and acting as if i was just a stranger or something, thats what hurt

[troisette]

I wondered about memory too. I once went round at a time pre-arranged a few hours earlier and he was eating dinner, had apparently forgotten that I was to visit.

And the photos; they were everywhere. I became disconcerted at waking up facing a wall of photos of his past - it recently went through my mind that they might have been hung there as a connective reminder for him when he woke up.

The more serious memory issues, of forgetting major things, I think were disassociation.

[Teereese]

My stbxh was not forgetful in the mannerof Jujux's original post. It was more in the manner of Hanging - absent-mindedness. Even then, I often wondered whether he was truly absent-minded or whether it was purposeful manipulation.

I often felt as though I was in a lose-lose situation because I felt the need to repeat things but then he would put me down for repeating things.

[Thread]

My Bpd husband hated talking on the phone. When i would visit my family, yes it also was like I was non existent. It was such a hassle trying to get him on the phone, let alone to talk to me on the phone. I actually watched my time and for 19-20min we sat in silence, I gave up and read a book while he just sat there quietly on the phone. I'm curious too if it's a bod trait.

[jujux15]

My Bpd husband hated talking on the phone. When i would visit my family, yes it also was like I was non existent. It was such a hassle trying to get him on the phone, let alone to talk to me on the phone. I actually watched my time and for 19-20min we sat in silence, I gave up and read a book while he just sat there quietly on the phone. I'm curious too if it's a bod trait.

Yes! She swore she loved talking on the phone with me yet would only do it if everything else she did was taken care of. "hey babe, I was driving home so I figured I'd call you", "hey babe I need to relax after a long day so I figured I'd call you" I never really felt like she genuinely wanted to talk to me I felt like she just did it to avoid my nagging

[jujux15]

My stbxh was not forgetful in the mannerof Jujux's original post. It was more in the manner of Hanging - absent-mindedness. Even then, I often wondered whether he was truly absent-minded or whether it was purposeful manipulation.

I often felt as though I was in a lose-lose situation because I felt the need to repeat things but then he would put me down for repeating things.

Similar experience, when I'd show her texts saying otherwise she eventually lashed out at me and yelled at me calling me childish and how much she hated when she did that. It just irked me how she'd straight up so no I NEVER said that or no I NEVER did that. No matter how many times I showed her her memory is faulty she'd just have an excuse about the whole ordeal like. "oh I was multitasking that's why I didn't remember"

[jujux15]

I wondered about memory too. I once went round at a time pre-arranged a few hours earlier and he was eating dinner, had apparently forgotten that I was to visit.

And the photos; they were everywhere. I became disconcerted at waking up facing a wall of photos of his past - it recently went through my mind that they might have been hung there as a connective reminder for him when he woke up.

The more serious memory issues, of forgetting major things, I think were disassociation.

This is very interesting to me, my ex keeps multiple photos of events on her door like childhood, friends etc. I just thought she liked collecting things. She even keeps pictures of exes, when we first broke up I deleted all photos of us but she kept a few on her phone and kept gifts I gave her.

[samynet]

Interesting point!

My previous relationship was a long distance r/s for 6 years  and when we were together I felt loved like if we were together the previous week. Intimate and so on.

With my ex uBPDgf I felt if we were not together she didn't feel the same way, it seems that she needed to be with me to validate her feelings.

I remember to tell her that maybe I would be abroad in a project, coming back every weekend, and she started to cry saying that she knows herself and it would be really difficult to hold a r/S like this. (I would be here every friday, sat and sunday    ).

I don't know if it's related or not, but she used to say that sometimes when she was alone she used to think how I used to take care of her when she was sick and so on... .

Talking on the phone wasn't either a think that she didn't love to do. When I confront her after the breakup asking her why she never did me a spontaneous and passionate call, she answered "You never told me that you loved that, and you know i don't like to talk on the phone".

About the photos... .her room was full of pictures of her friends (3/4 friends) and relatives. The first day I went there she still have one of hers ex - but she didn't love him so she was not upset towards him and keep the photo there. (Removed after my remark that day).

After our brake up, within the stuff that she returned me, she gave me a photo from us that she had on her bedside table.

Today is not a good day, the first person I crossed at work was her  :'(. We crossed our look, she bowed her head and followed her path... .

[jujux15]

Interesting point!

My previous relationship was a long distance r/s for 6 years  and when we were together I felt loved like if we were together the previous week. Intimate and so on.

With my ex uBPDgf I felt if we were not together she didn't feel the same way, it seems that she needed to be with me to validate her feelings.

I remember to tell her that maybe I would be abroad in a project, coming back every weekend, and she started to cry saying that she knows herself and it would be really difficult to hold a r/S like this. (I would be here every friday, sat and sunday    ).

I don't know if it's related or not, but she used to say that sometimes when she was alone she used to think how I used to take care of her when she was sick and so on... .

Talking on the phone wasn't either a think that she didn't love to do. When I confront her after the breakup asking her why she never did me a spontaneous and passionate call, she answered "You never told me that you loved that, and you know i don't like to talk on the phone".

About the photos... .her room was full of pictures of her friends (3/4 friends) and relatives. The first day I went there she still have one of hers ex - but she didn't love him so she was not upset towards him and keep the photo there. (Removed after my remark that day).

After our brake up, within the stuff that she returned me, she gave me a photo from us that she had on her bedside table.

Today is not a good day, the first person I crossed at work was her  :'(. We crossed our look, she bowed her head and followed her path... .

I feel for you man and it's interesting I've realized that they seem to truly have the mental capacity of a child. Forgetting somebody you've been with for that long after just a week or so surely is not normal. Nor is the fact that all of us see the common theme of them keeping pictures of so many periods of their life. Want to know something funny? My ex also had a picture of her ex up and I had been with with her for at least 6 months! I basically threatened breaking up with her over this and she took everything down. Apparently she kept the pictures because she got pregnant while with him and kept the pictures because she couldnt keep the ultrasound lest her parents find out. I'm not even sure if that is true though, I've been tempted to contact her ex to see but I'm trying not too

[UVA2002]

All mine forgot to tell me about the multiple lives they were living behind my back. So maybe it is.

[jujux15]

All mine forgot to tell me about the multiple lives they were living behind my back. So maybe it is.

Sorry to hear that, I'm sure they all have them. Did finding out about that help at all? Like seeing their true colors realizing that it was all them

[UVA2002]

All mine forgot to tell me about the multiple lives they were living behind my back. So maybe it is.

Sorry to hear that, I'm sure they all have them. Did finding out about that help at all? Like seeing their true colors realizing that it was all them

I guess it certainly helps the detachment stage and yes knowing I'm a decent human and do not drag innocent people through my house of cards leaving a trail of hurt and anger because I was hurt at some time in my life. I know that sounds harsh but if you're here you know what I mean. It makes you definitely realize you got played and are better off. So once again yes I'm glad the layers have been revealed in my cases or I would still be in their devaluation/ humiliation stage thinking it was me and I blew it when it was actually doomed from the start. Now I know it's all an illusion for her and burning that candle at both ends has one result a huge accident waiting to happen and I escaped.

[jujux15]

All mine forgot to tell me about the multiple lives they were living behind my back. So maybe it is.

Sorry to hear that, I'm sure they all have them. Did finding out about that help at all? Like seeing their true colors realizing that it was all them

I guess it certainly helps the detachment stage and yes knowing I'm a decent human and do not drag innocent people through my house of cards leaving a trail of hurt and anger because I was hurt at some time in my life. I know that sounds harsh but if you're here you know what I mean. It makes you definitely realize you got played and are better off. So once again yes I'm glad the layers have been revealed in my cases or I would still be in their devaluation/ humiliation stage thinking it was me and I blew it when it was actually doomed from the start. Now I know it's all an illusion for her and burning that candle at both ends has one result a huge accident waiting to happen and I escaped.

That's what I was thinking would happen well glad to hear you're ok

[UVA2002]

All mine forgot to tell me about the multiple lives they were living behind my back. So maybe it is.

Sorry to hear that, I'm sure they all have them. Did finding out about that help at all? Like seeing their true colors realizing that it was all them

I guess it certainly helps the detachment stage and yes knowing I'm a decent human and do not drag innocent people through my house of cards leaving a trail of hurt and anger because I was hurt at some time in my life. I know that sounds harsh but if you're here you know what I mean. It makes you definitely realize you got played and are better off. So once again yes I'm glad the layers have been revealed in my cases or I would still be in their devaluation/ humiliation stage thinking it was me and I blew it when it was actually doomed from the start. Now I know it's all an illusion for her and burning that candle at both ends has one result a huge accident waiting to happen and I escaped.

That's what I was thinking would happen well glad to hear you're ok

I've noticed that a big problem around here is not realizing this. There should only be one section on this whole site and that's leaving them and not looking back. To much everyone thinking they can fix this but they don't realize there are plenty of replacements waiting in the wings and we are nothing but puppets in some sick game.

[Mr. Magnet]

They never seem to forget a single actual or perceived slight.

[jujux15]

They never seem to forget a single actual or perceived slight.

This is also very very true and when you look at it logically it's terrifying. How is it possible that basically every single person in your life has wronged you? I eventually told my ex something your doing has to be why at this point. As you can imagine our relationship was already going downhill